By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
If you are not willing to learn,
No one can help you.
If you are determined to learn,
No one can stop you.
A friend shared that saying with me today in an email and it made me think about what we say here at Lovefraud when we encourage a new poster to read and learn about psychopaths, to arm themselves with knowledge: “Knowledge is power.”
Knowledge is a powerful tool in our lives. If we have no education, we are powerless, as we see in people who have dropped out of school illiterate. We encourage our children to do the best they can in school, to go on to higher education, so that they are better prepared in life, have more power to determine their life course.
In dealing with a psychopath, our knowledge of them is important. It shows us what to expect out of them, and that we are not going to be able to help them. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that we must take care of ourselves (and our children) first and not worry about trying to “fix” the psychopath. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that the best way to defend ourselves is No Contact. Our knowledge shows us that No Contact protects us from further wounds and that each and every time we break this “contract with ourselves,” we are injured, wounded.
Learning about ourselves
The knowledge that gives us power, though, isn’t limited to knowledge about psychopaths. Our power-giving knowledge extends to learning about ourselves. I’ve often said here that, “It starts out learning about them, but ends up with us learning about ourselves.” The more I learn, the more I realize that what I have learned about psychopaths is small indeed compared to the huge amount I have learned about myself.
The learning about the psychopath encourages me to stay no contact and to realize that they are dangerous, but the learning about myself has encouraged me to change. The learning has encouraged me to learn what I need to know to keep myself safe from the next trolling psychopath looking for a vulnerable victim. It has also taught me how to set boundaries, and how important boundaries are for keeping me safe from anyonewho would use or abuse me in any way.
The knowledge I have gained has also made me take a long, hard look at my own “moral compass,” what I know to be right and what I know to be wrong. It has made me more determined to hold fast to keep myself on that “straight and narrow” path of the “do right” rule. If I am doing right, I know that I am doing okay. It makes me realize that the people I want in my “circle of intimacy” are also people who adhere to the “do right” rule and are honest, trustworthy and reliable. The Bible says that “evil companions corrupt good morals,” and this is right. If we are around people who do dishonest things, then those things become more “normalized,” and we tend to think, “ah, it’s not so bad, everyone does it.” So the people we associate with have a profound influence on our own moral compass. Just as I wouldn’t want my kids running around with or associating with “thugs,” I also need to be cautious of who I associate with.
I am worthy
Learning more about myself, and what I want out of life, has also taught me that I am worthy of being treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve to be treated well by those I associate with. I treat others well, but I will also expect that they will treat me well as well. I will not associate with those who treat me poorly.
I have also learned that I must treat myself as well as I expect others to treat me. This means that I stop doing things to my body that are likely to cause health problems: over eating, over drinking, use of nicotine or other drugs, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of proper medical care. I will care for myself well—mentally, physically and spiritually.
Responsibilities
Meeting my responsibilities to myself is important, but meeting my responsibilities to others is also important. Seeing that my children are properly taken care of, and parented well, that my job is done well both at home and at my employment are important aspects of the life plan for myself. I will allot my available time in such a way that all my responsibilities are met in a timely manner, and that includes recreation and relaxation.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that, in the past, I tended to take on as “my responsibility” things that were actually not my responsibilities. I had been taught and believed from an early age that other people’s happiness was my responsibility. I have now learned that I am not responsible for others’ happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness. By not taking on things that are not my responsibility, I have more time for myself and those things I am responsible for.
In addition, I have learned that now that my kids are grown and my husband passed away, I am not responsible for providing room, board and shelter for anyone, no matter who they are. While I believe that it is my duty to share with others less fortunate than myself, it is not my responsibility to provide for those who are unwilling to provide for themselves. My hospitality to my friends and family is entirely voluntary on my part. When people come to my house, it is my house, my rules.
Taking back my power
Knowledge indeed is power. I have assumed my power. I’d like to think I have taken “back” my power, but I’m not sure I ever really knew I had it, or if I did, I sure didn’t use it when I didn’t take care of myself, and took on responsibilities for others that were not legitimately mine. I didn’t exercise my power when I allowed others to repeatedly use and abuse me.
Now that I know better, I am doing better. I am taking care of myself, allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, even if they fail. I am setting boundaries and eliminating the people in my life who do not share a complementary moral compass. My life is starting to be filled with joy and peace, love and laughter, because it is not weighted down with cares brought on by lack of knowledge or by failing to use that knowledge to take care of myself.
Learn and take hold of your power!
Hey Hens!
missed you.
20years,
think of it this way: you aren’t going to help him become a stronger person by cushioning him.
Regardless of how well he was doing 5 years ago, these were HIS decisions not to save for the future. We all know that calamity can happen.
You and I were stupid enough to make the mistakes we made and we are paying for them now. I’m in a similar boat as you, my spath poisoned me so I was sick all the time and couldn’t work. So I don’t have a career and am struggling to establish one.
He needs to struggle through this on his own, and you need to learn to let him, no matter how bad it looks. This will be a test for both you AND him.
If he is a good and strong man, he will accept his responsibilities and be proud of it.
20 years,
Of course it is tempting to “rescue” him…but I am glad that you are not allowing him to move in and taking him on as a dependent.
He is suffering the consequences of his poor decisions and also the general economy.
You say he has not had a regular job in 5 years. What did he do before he moved in with these people? What is his relationship history? His history with his family? Etc. There is just something that doesn’t ring true to me. Did you know him before his financial crash? Do you know people who knew him before his financial crash? How about his ex wife? What is their relationship like? His kids? Sibs?
The more you KNOW about the man, not just what he tells you, the more I would trust what he says. (if that makes any sense)
Wonderful article Oxy, Thank you.
Hi 20yrs,
I agree with so many of your posts, so thought I’d throw in my 2 cents.
I’m concerned by this:
“He constantly worries about his cash flow, down to the dollar. That is what is hard for me to stand by and watch without helping”I have to be more careful with my food budget since I feel this tug to help feed him”
I agree with the notion that even though the economy went south, he really did not plan for his financial future. Personally for me, I’d only get involved with someone who can truly stand on their own financial feet. Please be very cautious.
The history… this is all true (verified): his wife died suddenly/unexpectedly 5 years ago, after many years of a happy marriage and a few kids. She had been the primary breadwinner and he had been employed in an industry which has suffered great cutbacks in this economy. At the time of her death, he was employed. The death was a shock, he still had a couple kids not yet launched, no outside family support, and in the shock/aftermath he ran through the inheritance funds very quickly (like many families unfortunately, no life insurance provisions and no will! So the family home had to be sold so that the children could get their half share of the inheritance, according to state law).
It is a true story, although yes it is a “pity” story. I did not know him then; only for the past 2 years. I have met family and friends of his and have been with him in different settings. There is no “mask” as far as I can see (I am careful). He’s a nice and decent person who always paid bills on time until this sudden crisis.
The kids are grown now and he is too ashamed of his situation to let them know how truly poor he is. All of them are struggling to establish themselves, too. He wishes he were in a position to continue helping them, but he cannot.
I handle things differently… I am someone who plans for disaster and have always had plans in place to cover the unexpected.
It really can make a difference, and I have other friends who have also lost spouses suddenly, but had insurance and wills and things, and their situations turned out better.
I don’t believe that rescuing people is helpful to them. But to turn back to the subtopic of the article… I’m wrestling with where my duty lies, to be helpful and supportive without rescuing, within the context of a relationship I would like to be able to consider a developing partnership.
I myself have been in tough financial circumstances during the past decade, while trying to rebuild… and I received some help from some quarters, and it made a difference in my life and the lives of my children.
And I’ll bring up again that awful but wise book, “The Giving Tree.” I am NOT a stump. 😉 That doesn’t help anybody.
Anyway, this will (slowly) unfold, I guess. 🙂 I appreciate everyone’s offering your takes on it. It really helps me. Sometimes I think I get lost in my own perspective.
20 years,
something doesn’t sound right. most states when a spouse dies, the surviving spouse gets everything unless the will specifies otherwise. And if the kids are underaged, I don’t get it….why would they get any money?
This is not my forte, I know nothing about it, does anyone here have more information?
in our state (yes, I looked this up! It is true…) if a person dies intestate (without a will), there are complex rules to follow… in the case of a married person with children, the estate is divided in half; spouse gets one half, and the other half is divided evenly among the children.
Different states do it differently.
It doesn’t mean that EVERY asset is divided this way, just the value of the estate. In this case, I believe the bulk of the assets were caught up in the equity of the home, so there were no other fungible assets which could be assigned to the children.
It doesn’t matter how old the children are — they inherit. Only one was underage at the time, but close to adult age.
This is stuff I didn’t know before. You better believe I am having my will updated! As should we all…
It is odd that the kids would WANT to force Dad to sell the family home. Most kids would at least let Dad live in the family home and then IF he decided to sell it take a share.
Him going through the inheritance unwisely brings up some questions to me….
HER being the primary bread winner also brings up questions….
While all these things may be TRUE it doesn’t make him sound like he has ever been very good at working and earning or managing finances. His “keeping secrets” from his kids and worrying about “helping them” when he is SO POOR sounds a bit squirrely too.
This man may be very nice and may have had some bad breaks, but it just doesn’t sound like he would be a very good financial risk or a good financial manager.
I am a VERY FRUGAL person, and I also like to live WELL….so I manage my money very well and carefully. I know that not everyone has the “good sense” or the ability to manage money as well as I do, but at the same time, I would not want to mingle finances with someone who didn’t….and I sure wouldn’t want to support someone.
Dear 20 years, Call me cynical but I agree with Skylar and Oxy….something is OFF! Sounds like a PITY story to me….I would tread LIGHTLY.
Perhaps I am just “too damn old” to give anyone a second chance but how does that saying go….”ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY?”
I was out to dinner with an old girlfriend tonight. And I realize that she and I had so much in common. Although her husband may not be a spath like mine was there are a lot of the traits in common; charming, manipulation, etc, etc.
For YOUR own safety please tread lightly. I hope to goodness that you really did find a genuine love but some of what you are sharing scares the CRAP out of me!
20 years
If you care about him-keep it slow–don’t rescue. It sounds like he has been in a dependent mode for most of his life with his wife then you.
This could be a hard pattern to break. There are some people out there who look for rescuers.
If it is a partnership you want then over the next few years you could help guide him into full independence.
I am not a big fan of duty-but what I replace it with is doing whats right. Kids and yourself come first.
I hate to say this as I think you care for this person–but he has had five years to rebuild.
I myself am 4 and a 1/2 years out and I went from nothing to something in that time with three kids 2 dogs 2 cats and 2 guinea pigs. I was a wreck at the beginning and still suffer PTSD.
My life is decent now and like you I don’t have a lot of money but I make it work for me. It helps that I have simple needs.
Watch that old soft heart 20 years.
Enjoy his company but beware.
Also a wise counsellor told me many years ago-women confuse pity with love. Think about it.
I’m with you if you need to talk.
STJ
xxx
20years, I don’t know how long you’ve been on LoveFraud or how far out you are from the spath experiences, or what steps you’ve taken to recover and emerge from them, but I will tell you this: PITY is the most effective tool in the Sociopath Toolbox. It begins with pity and ends with the victim blinking like a deer caught in the headlights of a Peterbilt truck.
I PITIED my first AND second exspath – both in different manners and for different reasons, but the PITY was well-designed, well-orchestrated, and this most recent exspath has done the following: set me up before we married, played me like a violin during the marriage, relieved me of over 1/4 million via forgery and coersion, maintained a violently deviant and risky double-life, walked away from the marriage and all financial obligations, and will NOT SEE A SINGLE CONSEQUENCE FOR HIS ACTIONS.
PITY……….sob stories………..puppies, kittens, and butterflies……….RUN, 20years! Run like the wind and call it a day!
Brightest blessings.