By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
If you are not willing to learn,
No one can help you.
If you are determined to learn,
No one can stop you.
A friend shared that saying with me today in an email and it made me think about what we say here at Lovefraud when we encourage a new poster to read and learn about psychopaths, to arm themselves with knowledge: “Knowledge is power.”
Knowledge is a powerful tool in our lives. If we have no education, we are powerless, as we see in people who have dropped out of school illiterate. We encourage our children to do the best they can in school, to go on to higher education, so that they are better prepared in life, have more power to determine their life course.
In dealing with a psychopath, our knowledge of them is important. It shows us what to expect out of them, and that we are not going to be able to help them. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that we must take care of ourselves (and our children) first and not worry about trying to “fix” the psychopath. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that the best way to defend ourselves is No Contact. Our knowledge shows us that No Contact protects us from further wounds and that each and every time we break this “contract with ourselves,” we are injured, wounded.
Learning about ourselves
The knowledge that gives us power, though, isn’t limited to knowledge about psychopaths. Our power-giving knowledge extends to learning about ourselves. I’ve often said here that, “It starts out learning about them, but ends up with us learning about ourselves.” The more I learn, the more I realize that what I have learned about psychopaths is small indeed compared to the huge amount I have learned about myself.
The learning about the psychopath encourages me to stay no contact and to realize that they are dangerous, but the learning about myself has encouraged me to change. The learning has encouraged me to learn what I need to know to keep myself safe from the next trolling psychopath looking for a vulnerable victim. It has also taught me how to set boundaries, and how important boundaries are for keeping me safe from anyonewho would use or abuse me in any way.
The knowledge I have gained has also made me take a long, hard look at my own “moral compass,” what I know to be right and what I know to be wrong. It has made me more determined to hold fast to keep myself on that “straight and narrow” path of the “do right” rule. If I am doing right, I know that I am doing okay. It makes me realize that the people I want in my “circle of intimacy” are also people who adhere to the “do right” rule and are honest, trustworthy and reliable. The Bible says that “evil companions corrupt good morals,” and this is right. If we are around people who do dishonest things, then those things become more “normalized,” and we tend to think, “ah, it’s not so bad, everyone does it.” So the people we associate with have a profound influence on our own moral compass. Just as I wouldn’t want my kids running around with or associating with “thugs,” I also need to be cautious of who I associate with.
I am worthy
Learning more about myself, and what I want out of life, has also taught me that I am worthy of being treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve to be treated well by those I associate with. I treat others well, but I will also expect that they will treat me well as well. I will not associate with those who treat me poorly.
I have also learned that I must treat myself as well as I expect others to treat me. This means that I stop doing things to my body that are likely to cause health problems: over eating, over drinking, use of nicotine or other drugs, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of proper medical care. I will care for myself well—mentally, physically and spiritually.
Responsibilities
Meeting my responsibilities to myself is important, but meeting my responsibilities to others is also important. Seeing that my children are properly taken care of, and parented well, that my job is done well both at home and at my employment are important aspects of the life plan for myself. I will allot my available time in such a way that all my responsibilities are met in a timely manner, and that includes recreation and relaxation.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that, in the past, I tended to take on as “my responsibility” things that were actually not my responsibilities. I had been taught and believed from an early age that other people’s happiness was my responsibility. I have now learned that I am not responsible for others’ happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness. By not taking on things that are not my responsibility, I have more time for myself and those things I am responsible for.
In addition, I have learned that now that my kids are grown and my husband passed away, I am not responsible for providing room, board and shelter for anyone, no matter who they are. While I believe that it is my duty to share with others less fortunate than myself, it is not my responsibility to provide for those who are unwilling to provide for themselves. My hospitality to my friends and family is entirely voluntary on my part. When people come to my house, it is my house, my rules.
Taking back my power
Knowledge indeed is power. I have assumed my power. I’d like to think I have taken “back” my power, but I’m not sure I ever really knew I had it, or if I did, I sure didn’t use it when I didn’t take care of myself, and took on responsibilities for others that were not legitimately mine. I didn’t exercise my power when I allowed others to repeatedly use and abuse me.
Now that I know better, I am doing better. I am taking care of myself, allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, even if they fail. I am setting boundaries and eliminating the people in my life who do not share a complementary moral compass. My life is starting to be filled with joy and peace, love and laughter, because it is not weighted down with cares brought on by lack of knowledge or by failing to use that knowledge to take care of myself.
Learn and take hold of your power!
I had a good night’s sleep and just woke up!
Oxy, you sound pretty similar to me. I appreciate your reading what I’ve written about this so carefully… I think you are picking up on exactly the same red flags as I am (“red flags” in this case not NECESSARILY meaning he’s a spath… could mean a dependent person who will not be able to break out of that, and yes, hiding things from his kids…)
STJ, like you, I have been able to rebuild, though it has not been at all easy. It was just necessary, and I did it (and am still doing it). And you are correct; the duty to kids and self come first. My dilemma in my mind comes when I wonder about marrying him. Why would I think of marrying him? I am “the marrying kind.” But now I’m at an age where I’m starting to think maybe I don’t have to marry men I love, who love me. My tugging really has to do with a spiritual/biblical view of marriage; specifically that “the two become one” which is something I think is a very high ideal. The oneness — not the separateness — I think it is sacred and I seek it! But this financial stuff is really getting in the way. I don’t think you can have the “oneness” in a marriage if you keep finances separate. since I am not willing to co-mingle finances, I don’t think I could be satisfied in a marriage of separateness… it seems totally counter to the very idea of marriage. So then my mind says, “well, you can’t marry him then.” Then I start to feel sad.
Truthspeak: you are correct to call it what it is: PITY. And even though in my mind/heart, the jury is still out on whether this is a well-orchestrated pity PLAY (I really don’t think it’s a spath case… I think he is in a genuinely pitiable situation. but that doesn’t mean I can’t drown all the same, and I won’t let that happen because I’m not a rescuing type of person), it is true that the PITY comes into it. Actually, it is the fact that I am not a rescuing type of person that is tugging at my feelings of doubt over whether I’m being selfish, or where my duty begins and ends.
DonnaDixon: I think I have found a “genuine love” however, there are these few things (they are few) which are huge and significant (yes, these few things overshadow the tremendous number of good things). I suppose I am lucky that my kids are “in the way” because as long as they live here, I am not moving him in. It forces us to live apart and gives me at least a couple years to figure this out.
You all are so smart and I appreciate your pulling apart my dilemma to look at it from different angles. It’s very helpful.
I forgot one part. The question of why he didn’t use the five years to rebuild. I do believe what he tells me (even if I think I would have done it differently — it is hard to say since I never was suddenly widowed). He said that when his wife died, he was kind of numb for awhile but did whatever he could do to get his kids launched, and that meant spending the money (one was in college; hence the loans after the money ran out — college is expensive), getting them cars (not expensive ones), food and shelter. As for the divided inheritance, he likes to always do “the right thing” which meant that he believed the kids should get their inheritance right away according to state law — so there was no question about selling the family home (also I doubt he could afford the mortgage payments…). The money went quickly. He then was so grief-stricken that he simply wanted to die. He gave the rest of his assets away to his kids and to friends who had helped him out (by providing shelter). Then he had hardly anything. But he didn’t die, after all. (he says he honestly wanted to and thought that he would). Then he met me and didn’t want to die anymore. He said he never expected he would meet anyone else or could think of having another relationship, after the long, happy one he’d had with his wife.
I don’t think this is a made-up story; it sounds plausible from everything else I know about him, but I do think it is an unfortunate story. I know that my feeling pity does not obligate me to rescue him. And I’m aware that people can confuse pity with love, so I guard against that. In my case, I did not know any of this when I met him and became attracted to him. He was just a nice and interesting man who has many things in common with me (and some differences). He didn’t hide it from me, but his situation just didn’t come up right away. Since I have kids, I do “distanced” dating at first — I’m very cautious. We met for coffee and stuff. None of that set off any red flags about finances. He can pay for coffee, he has a car, he has clothing, he is well groomed, etc. His family is nice, seems very normal.
Having said all that… I am now in a very cautious, take-it-slow frame of mind.
20years, I would love to say that I would pity this guy’s journey, as well – being an empathetic individual, it’s very difficult NOT to pity someone who has such a story. But, even his wanting to do the “right thing” rings like a klaxon in my ears: MY exspath always assured me that he was always doing the “right thing” and that I always had reason to trust him.
“Launching” our children through college, vehicles, etc. is something that we do to the best of our ability and withing reasonable means. The fact that YOU are his Saviour and responsible for removing his desire to die is a screaming, flapping, waving red flag. He experienced a loss and “wanted to die.” He met you and he “didn’t want to die anymore.” HIS CHILDREN should have been reason enough to want to push through the hell of personal loss, NOT another woman.
And, so you clearly understand: whether he’s got a car, clothing, or is well-groomed or not does not EXCLUDE him from being someone to watch very, very closely. Knowing what I do, today, I would run from someone with a story like this like my butt was on fire – and, not because I wanted to be mean, either. I need to protect myself, first and foremost, and I will never, ever accept the responsibility for another person’s “happiness” or desire to live, ever again. Why? Because that assertion is FLATTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is meant to make ME feel GOOD!!
You have my most positive healing thoughts and energies, 20years, my dear.
20 years
Marriage is a sacred union to me also so I know how you feel. But it takes both to feel this way about it to have some meaning.
All I can say–is to reiterate your words–is to take it slow over the years and see how it unfolds..
In the meantime–enjoy his company on your terms. I’m sure you will work it out. I personally now could quite happily not marry to have a relationship. I have come to detest the ownership and possesion that some men assume tied to it. Most times you don’t see this in them until after the union.
Also my ex took the car. He is well groomed and his mask is a quiet unassuming man. He lives with his mum and he takes care of her as she has early stages of dementia. All looks good–but he is not. I pity his poor mum and through the grapevine I have heard that he has took total control of her home, finances and behaviour. All in the matter of 4 1/2 years. My kids are worried about her–but I have to tell them I have no power to help their wee nana. I’ve known her for 25 years and I loved her. She became one of the relationships I had to give up after I threw him out and divorced him. Funny how she was doing fine on her own after losing her spath husband–I think enjoying her freedom–and then all of a sudden dementia when he went to live with her.
He has the perfect pity story and family to support it as they are all glad that he is the one caring and not them. He has total control of their perceptions of her. They are a selfish bunch but you have to know them for a good while before you see this.
He is now not working (sacked cos of the economic climate) and this just adds to his sacrificial image. He isn’t bothering looking for work as he has to pay child support to me if he does.
He also dropped his older two kids when we split. I wonder how he explains their absence in his life to people.
Take care
STJ
xxx
I can’t tell you how helpful it is to hear these words from all of you who have thoughts about this. A sounding board is what I need right now, and you guys are perfect. There is something very sacred about this place (Lovefraud forum), too.
Well, today is a day with my kids 🙂 so I’m off to enjoy time with them!
20 Years, I am glad that you are taking t his “talking to” in teh spirit in which it is intended….rather than becoming disturbed because it may not be what you want it to be. LOL
Sometimes we are kind of blunt here and I think this guy has had 5 years to rebuild and has not done so, in fact, has essentially gone to more or less homeless except for the grace (rescuing) of his friends.
I went through a horribly traumatic divorce that left me with a kid on each hip, a 10 yr old truck, a dog and a cat,, and no home, no furniture, nothing….In 3 years I finished college, worked full time during the school year and two jobs during the summer, kept an A average, graduated first in my class, and at the end of college had money in the bank.
I figure that anyone who really TRIES can do okay and keep their head above water. Maybe that is not the case, but that story (can’T remember the name of it –CRS) of the homeless black guy with the little boy who became a stock broker, shows me that no matter what, you can succeed if you try. Maybe not to the extent that he did, but if YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO you can succeed. I lived in the back of my pick up truck for a summer with my two kids and my cat….because that was what I had to do. My egg donor didn’t offer me a roof though she had a 4 bedroom house…and I’m glad I never asked her for a roof.
At the end of the summer I had a roof that I had negotiated,, I was enrolled in college, got my PEL grant and a small loan and paid my tuition…traded my truck for a small station wagon, traded my camper shell for some furniture and was on my way. Barter, trade, and working hard put me back on my feet.
My INDEPENDENCE helped me feel good about myself….doing it for myself. I’ve hung on to that independence to this day, because when others “do things” for you many times there is a HOOK attached, a string, a debt that they call in in CONTROL at a later date. My egg donor is good at this…but I have refused all “gifts” and “help” from her because I know that there is a STRING ATTACHED. She attached a string to the “gifts” she gave to the psychopaths and they betrayed her giving. LOL So she kept offering me money as “pity” but I refused every time. She actually got mad at me for refusing her “gifts” (and therefore control) LOL
The Bible says to “be not unequally yoked” and I think in a situation where there is poverty on one side and plenty on the other the relationship is unequal. Dependence on his part (on the first wife) and now failure to adequately provide himself housing etc. is problematic. Even if he gave the money to his kids for their college this is a poor choice, because he is HIDING THE FACT that he made poor decisions (sacrifices) for his kids.
If I had been in that shape, I would have said, “Junior, I am really sorry but I won’t be able to pay your college tuition next year, so I suggest that you move back home for a year and work and save up the money for your tuition, or go to a cheaper school and we will get your degree if we cooperate, but that’s the only way I can help you.”
But to give the money and borrow the money so Junior could go to school and NOT KNOW that daddy was spending his housing money to send him is DISHONEST and shows that the man is more EMOTIONALLY invested in APPEARING solvent when he is not. He borrowed money he can not pay back so that is in effect THEFT in my book.
The more I think about the things this man has done and his dishonest relationship with his kids where finances are concerned, I think shows that he has some “big issues.”
Truthspeak,
I’m posting this on my Healing Board:
“PITY is the most effective tool in the Sociopath Toolbox. It begins with pity and ends with the victim blinking like a deer caught in the headlights of a Peterbilt truck.”
It’s wonderful. Thank you.
ps: being a City girl, didn’t know what a Peterbilt truck is, so I googled it: Yikes!
Clair, old truck drivers never die they just get a new Peterbilt. LOL
Yea, one of those old peterbilts barreling down the road will turn a deer to jelly!
That’s a good one, Oxy.
Also like your line that “gun control is shooting what you’re aiming for”. LOL, but very true.
Oooooh, the PITY!!! That is what I felt for him from the beginning. “Oh, this POOR man! I must SAVE him!” I am so angry right now. ANGRY. We spent the first year either having amazing sex (which I was SO hungry for after years in a sexless marriage) or with him in the fetal position with his head in my lap. What the…??? And then it stopped. Not because he got stronger, but because he changed his tactics.
I see it all laid out in front of me, and it makes me sick. The last year, whenever I’ve confronted him with the Truth, all he’s said is, “If you don’t like it, you can walk away at any time.” What a remorseful and loving thing to say, huh? And why didn’t I walk away?
I think why I, and so many others, I’m hoping someone can relate, have had such a hard time seeing them for who/what they are is that we don’t want to admit that we were so dumb? I don’t know. I don’t think any of you are dumb. I don’t think I’m dumb. I got caught up in thinking how complex life is, and how delicate human emotions are, and how we hurt the ones we love the most… BS!!! I love my kids more than anything in this universe, and I try my best every day not to hurt them.
GRRRRR!!!
I love this article. Knowledge makes me angry.