By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
If you are not willing to learn,
No one can help you.
If you are determined to learn,
No one can stop you.
A friend shared that saying with me today in an email and it made me think about what we say here at Lovefraud when we encourage a new poster to read and learn about psychopaths, to arm themselves with knowledge: “Knowledge is power.”
Knowledge is a powerful tool in our lives. If we have no education, we are powerless, as we see in people who have dropped out of school illiterate. We encourage our children to do the best they can in school, to go on to higher education, so that they are better prepared in life, have more power to determine their life course.
In dealing with a psychopath, our knowledge of them is important. It shows us what to expect out of them, and that we are not going to be able to help them. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that we must take care of ourselves (and our children) first and not worry about trying to “fix” the psychopath. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that the best way to defend ourselves is No Contact. Our knowledge shows us that No Contact protects us from further wounds and that each and every time we break this “contract with ourselves,” we are injured, wounded.
Learning about ourselves
The knowledge that gives us power, though, isn’t limited to knowledge about psychopaths. Our power-giving knowledge extends to learning about ourselves. I’ve often said here that, “It starts out learning about them, but ends up with us learning about ourselves.” The more I learn, the more I realize that what I have learned about psychopaths is small indeed compared to the huge amount I have learned about myself.
The learning about the psychopath encourages me to stay no contact and to realize that they are dangerous, but the learning about myself has encouraged me to change. The learning has encouraged me to learn what I need to know to keep myself safe from the next trolling psychopath looking for a vulnerable victim. It has also taught me how to set boundaries, and how important boundaries are for keeping me safe from anyonewho would use or abuse me in any way.
The knowledge I have gained has also made me take a long, hard look at my own “moral compass,” what I know to be right and what I know to be wrong. It has made me more determined to hold fast to keep myself on that “straight and narrow” path of the “do right” rule. If I am doing right, I know that I am doing okay. It makes me realize that the people I want in my “circle of intimacy” are also people who adhere to the “do right” rule and are honest, trustworthy and reliable. The Bible says that “evil companions corrupt good morals,” and this is right. If we are around people who do dishonest things, then those things become more “normalized,” and we tend to think, “ah, it’s not so bad, everyone does it.” So the people we associate with have a profound influence on our own moral compass. Just as I wouldn’t want my kids running around with or associating with “thugs,” I also need to be cautious of who I associate with.
I am worthy
Learning more about myself, and what I want out of life, has also taught me that I am worthy of being treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve to be treated well by those I associate with. I treat others well, but I will also expect that they will treat me well as well. I will not associate with those who treat me poorly.
I have also learned that I must treat myself as well as I expect others to treat me. This means that I stop doing things to my body that are likely to cause health problems: over eating, over drinking, use of nicotine or other drugs, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of proper medical care. I will care for myself well—mentally, physically and spiritually.
Responsibilities
Meeting my responsibilities to myself is important, but meeting my responsibilities to others is also important. Seeing that my children are properly taken care of, and parented well, that my job is done well both at home and at my employment are important aspects of the life plan for myself. I will allot my available time in such a way that all my responsibilities are met in a timely manner, and that includes recreation and relaxation.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that, in the past, I tended to take on as “my responsibility” things that were actually not my responsibilities. I had been taught and believed from an early age that other people’s happiness was my responsibility. I have now learned that I am not responsible for others’ happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness. By not taking on things that are not my responsibility, I have more time for myself and those things I am responsible for.
In addition, I have learned that now that my kids are grown and my husband passed away, I am not responsible for providing room, board and shelter for anyone, no matter who they are. While I believe that it is my duty to share with others less fortunate than myself, it is not my responsibility to provide for those who are unwilling to provide for themselves. My hospitality to my friends and family is entirely voluntary on my part. When people come to my house, it is my house, my rules.
Taking back my power
Knowledge indeed is power. I have assumed my power. I’d like to think I have taken “back” my power, but I’m not sure I ever really knew I had it, or if I did, I sure didn’t use it when I didn’t take care of myself, and took on responsibilities for others that were not legitimately mine. I didn’t exercise my power when I allowed others to repeatedly use and abuse me.
Now that I know better, I am doing better. I am taking care of myself, allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, even if they fail. I am setting boundaries and eliminating the people in my life who do not share a complementary moral compass. My life is starting to be filled with joy and peace, love and laughter, because it is not weighted down with cares brought on by lack of knowledge or by failing to use that knowledge to take care of myself.
Learn and take hold of your power!
“I think why I, and so many others, I’m hoping someone can relate, have had such a hard time seeing them for who/what they are is that we don’t want to admit that we were so dumb?”
It’s called avoidance of cognitive dissonance. Our brain (we) doesn’t like to be in a state of cognitive dissonance – ending up with a result of a choice that cotradicts our beliefs. Everyone does avoidance of cognitive dissonance for meaningless everyday stuff (like buying gadgets we don’t need, want or even know how to use, but ‘hey the sales guy said it had all these functions)… If we hate to be confronted with the disparity between our choices and results of our minor everyday stuff, then how much will we avoid this awareness state for more important life decisions, where we got into more trouble than we’d ever could imagine and with bigger emotional impact?
The avoidance of cognitive dissonance in our brain is a short term survival tactic. And EVERY victim of a spath used it to their long term detriment. It’s a NORMAL response. And EVERY normal human being does it EVERY DAY for meaningless stuff.
Lady Ruiz, yepper – the spath changes tactics with the ability of a bloodhound that can pick up a cold trail! If Plan A isn’t coming to fruition, switch to Plan B. And, Plan A is usually involving pity. Once our empathy and desire to help/save/rescue another human being is confirmed, then they begin circling the victim like a shark taking tiny nibbles out of the target until there’s so much blood in the water that they can’t help but to go in for the kill.
Everything you’re feeling, Lady Ruiz, is a normal reaction to what you’ve experienced. Keep reading and posting. {{{HUGS}}}
20 years- I would be careful if I were you. SPaths always offer ’proof’ along with their pity ploy. So his ’verified’ story is not a reason to not see red flags. If all you have is his spoken word, that’s not much. Other causes for pause in your story; ‘his wife was the primary breadwinner’, of course. Then you mention that there was no future planning, no insurance provisions and no will. You sound like a careful planner that would not have kids and a spouse without being able to a) provide for them, and b) save for a rainy day. He did neither and wasn’t too concerned until the other shoe dropped. Hmmm. Responsible people don’t all of a sudden turn irresponsible. SP have lots of excuses, to fill in for the inevitable questions of their dodgy stories that just don’t add up, both are plentiful in your post. Another weird anomaly is her sudden death, accidental?, I saw that there was no insurance policy, so that is some relief. Unless, her sudden death was a consequence of not making a policy or naming him the beneficiary. Hope I’m not being too cynical here. Are you sure he always paid his bills on time, until this sudden crisis? Did he tell you that or do you know it? I, like you, save for an emergency fund and my SP knew this- he called me the stable one. Irresponsible people are always attracted to responsible people, naturally, they are getting the good end of the bargain and don’t feel guilty on the take. He seemed really comfortable taking, not a quality you or I share. Is he looking to you to be the primary breadwinner that his wife was? No thanks. He can keep looking (and probably is/will) to find a more receptive supply if you don’t bankroll him in any way. Mine found a doctor, so I was off the hook. Find some one like you, who proves it in ways that don’t make you debate their sincerity in your head.
Thanks, Anon-o. I have been thinking especially deeply about all this, since posting about it initially. I do have misgivings and doubts, as well as the interest in and affection for him. But I am not moving quickly in either direction. I’m being very, very careful.
One reason why this is hard for me (to reject him because of his poverty) is because I myself struggled to get back on my feet after my divorce, and it was only slightly over a year ago that I landed this currently stable job (even though it is not making me rich, it is stable and I can pay my bills). Up until then, I temped, I took part-time and odd jobs, did whatever I could, but really struggled. So, “who am I” to judge him? I have always had excellent credit, but my rating did slip some during my struggling period — if you don’t have steady income, sometimes it is hard to pay the bills on time, no matter how frugal you are. I kept believing I would find a job and my situation would improve, but I never dreamed it would take me YEARS for that to happen.
Most of what I wrote about him has been verified, including how his wife died (I’m convinced there is no foul play — it was a 30-year, happy marriage with expectations of it continuing for at least another 30 years). I suppose I can be fooled, but I am also open to new experiences — just going to be cautious and do my best to take care of myself (not be vulnerable, or get out quick if things turn out to be something other than what I think they are)
Some of it is impossible to verify, such as his lifetime credit history.
It is probably good I didn’t win the lottery last week. 😉 My true financial situation is a good “weeder outer” in some ways. No one could reasonably be after me for my money — though they could be after me for my apparent stability and sense of responsibility. And I have fairly simple needs and would love to find a similar partner, who can also take care of himself.
Well, I’m going slow and careful.
Yikes, “impossible to verify” is another cagey situation. My situation (and yours) is straightforward enough to hear and not question, is his? Is it because you are triangulated from all of the historians of his prior life? Did he hit the ‘reset’ button and start over? Those are signs. Don’t think you are ‘staying in control’ by being careful, remember the SP always wins. Every woman on this blog thought “I’m smart enough to handle this.” He has the tremendous advantage of no conscious. You need to keep the little bit of money and emotional stability you have to keep your job. You are investing trust, energy, reputation and your self esteem thinking you can get your emotional and romantic needs met by walking a thin line with some one you believe to be secretive and/or deceptive. You will be right back to square one, rebuilding if you give him any thing. Money isn’t their only agenda, of course, they love to destroy people’s lives, even if it is a seemingly meager one, just because they can, it is a power ploy, they only way they feel emotion. You have been through enough, you are already seriously depleted on energy and resources, so he should not expect you to be a lifeboat, yet you get the feeling that he does? My SP told me he was in the same situation as me too- we were in school together with no family, no help. He claims he had toxic parents like mine, that he could not count on. Hmmm. I thought it weird that that fact alone didn’t make him super responsible and industrious- like it did me- had a job since I was 15. I had saved enough to pay rent and tuition, but he was just counting on love bombing some one to live with. He did it before and after me too- same story, different girl. There was always some ’emergency’ on why he had to move fast and move in. Ways to verify; Do you hang out with other couples from his 30 year marriage? Surely they must have made good friends? Does he try to get you to pay for 50% or more of your dates? If you pull back, (if you ever have?) does he disappear and try to find another supply? If you state some honest concerns does he get really angry/ugly and discredit you?- BPD and sociopaths do this when confronted. Read through the blogs and watch for other telltale signs, they are all subtle, so don’t explain them all away.
Ox, so true! Poignant article!
I finally have the courage to face parts of me that I was afraid of so much before. Now I’m doing the work, getting through it. That experience made me braver than I’ve ever been.
Brave.
I mean that word really has weight for me now and I can actually identify with it. Brave enough to face my issues and grow. I used to be too afraid, cause I always worried about the worst case scenario. After a sociopath experience, the worst case scenario is already behind me and all I have to do is learn from it and get that KNOWLEDGE so I can take control of my life and avoid this for sure.
Panther, glad to see you back and glad you are progressing!
20 Years, just because he is “poor” is not a reason for “rejecting” him, it is WHY is he poor? Irresponsible? Was he giving money to his kids when he didn’t have it, so they wouldn’t know he was poor? Keeping up a “front” with his kids is a BIG sign to me. RESPONSIBLE people don’t spend money to keep up fronts.
Nothing wrong with being “poor” in terms of not having money but there is irresponsibility in trying to keep up with the Joneses when you can’t afford to. IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE who don’t plan well and don’t spend wisely then get into a tight place because of it…that’s a problem.
Thank you, truthspeak! I am seeing less red today. I am working very hard on drawing myself back to stillness when I start to get worked up. It dawned on me about a month ago that the root of all of my angst is, well, ANGST! Since about the age of four, I’ve had a steady stream of adrenaline coursing through my veins, and I am physiologically addicted to it. I’m not an expert on this topic, it’s just my lay research, but it makes SO much sense. So I work to catch my thoughts and reframe them before I get too much of a fix. Does that make sense?
NC today, and I was a little anxious because my kids are at their dad’s and the bf is usually over here on this night. No word from him, and as I stated before, I deleted all of his info on Sunday. I will probably rely heavily on these boards tonight! 😉
20 Years… Sadly, I can identify with your story, and I can only echo OX Drover’s question of “WHY is he poor?” (((Hugs))) to you!
Anon-o said: “Every woman on this blog thought ‘I’m smart enough to handle this.'” This. We were also smart enough to google, “I think my ______ is a sociopath.” 🙂
To take this further, this just popped up on my Fb newsfeed, from Pema Chodron:
HALT THE CHAIN REACTION
“Emotional reactivity starts as a tightening. There’s the familiar tug and before we know it, we’re pulled along. In just a few seconds, we go from being slightly miffed to completely out of control.
Nevertheless, we have the inherent wisdom and ability to halt this chain reaction early on. To the degree that we’re attentive, we can nip the addictive urge while it’s still manageable. Just as we’re about to step into the trap, we can at least pause and take some deep breaths before proceeding.”
This is what I consider knowledge right now, it sheds light on how I’ve dealt with the spath in the past, and how I treat myself in the present. Not the future. One day at a time. The present. The knowledge of Now.
I’m taking it all in, what all of you are saying, and I’m considering it carefully. As I’m sure most or all of us have been in this position at one time or another: heading in one direction in a relationship (towards it), then getting some doubts, then coming to a point of pause and wondering which direction to go in, needing to know some underlying reasons…. I don’t want to decide “wrongly” (one way or the other) which is something I would deeply regret.
I have kept from posting some “identifying” details about him which might further illuminate, but I also think I have given you all enough of the gist that the situation is being expressed clearly and fairly. (I have not said anything that is not true; just that I still have a sense of privacy about me… and so the more specific detail, I have a hesitation in sharing).
Your comments and thoughts are very helpful to me, in giving me some things to consider. Particularly “why is he poor?” and also the concerns about his keeping his situation from his children. He has used biblical rationalizations about his financial situation… and his views on “not storing up treasures” are not my interpretation of the bible. (he seems to think that if he has $20 and that’s all he has, if his able-bodied, adult child comes to him and “needs” $20 to buy gasoline (that’s debatable, since this child also seems to have some pretty nice, new clothing) then he should just give the $20 away… even if that means that he himself will not have money for food (seriously — not at all) or gasoline for himself so that he can get to work.
I do not think at all, this is what the bible means about money. I do think that we are allowed to “save” money for emergencies and the future, and that this is not a repudiation of “we must keep faith that God will provide for all of our needs, and if we store up treasures then we do not have faith…”
He is not in any respect but this one, what I would call a bible “nut.” Otherwise he seems very much in line with my thinking, and he is intelligent. I just think he misinterprets this part, maybe on purpose? I’m not sure… but it is a definite red flag.
It is hard for me to turn the horse around midstream, but I’m not saying I can’t do it. Just that the way I tend to operate is with deliberation and to get to a point of being quite sure — as opposed to a sudden, abrupt about face.