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By | June 11, 2012 37 Comments

Launch today: Red Flags of Love Fraud, plus Workbook, plus e-book!

Today, my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, becomes available on Amazon.com and through all other distribution channels.

This book reveals, for the first time, the tactics of social predators who pursue romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. It explains how sociopaths seduce their targets, why it’s hard to escape the relationships, and how people can protect themselves.

Of course, Red Flags of Love Fraud has been available in the Lovefraud Store for several months, and many of you have written to me to say that it precisely describes your experience. Here is one of your letters:

I stumbled across your site in 12/2011 ”¨while Googling the words “pathological liar.” I was Googling those words because the guy I married on 12/16/11 abandoned me on 12/29/11, just 13 days later, all while leaving a trail a lies. The article “10 signs the guy you’re dating is a sociopath” popped up and I read it with my mouth wide open screaming, “Oh my gosh, this describes him exactly!”

I ordered your book with the same title and it has helped me gain understanding and closure. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what happened, until I read your book. He literally used to say some of the exact phrases you used in the book. The hardest thing and the most helpful thing I’ve had to do is accept that the guy I knew and loved never existed.

I cut all forms of communication back in February. That also has helped me a lot. I’ve since found out that he was addicted to drugs and he stole jewelry from me when he left. I now realize that I should be happy he left me because he could have so easily destroyed me if he had stayed. Although it hurts, I say thank you God for looking out for me. I just wanted you to know that a woman in South Carolina has begun to heal because of you allowing God to use you in writing the book. — T.H. in South Carolina

Thank you T.H. for your kind words! I’m sorry for your experience, but glad that my book you.

Now, the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook

In addition to explaining the sociopath, I want to help all of you develop the awareness and internal strength to avoid or escape them.

When sociopaths are on the prowl for a hook-up, they engage in calculated seduction. They probe for our strengths and weaknesses, and then use them to worm their way into our lives. So I also created the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook, which focuses on you. The Workbook enables you to identify your vulnerabilities before the predators do, so you can recognize when you’re being targeted. Or, if you suspect that you’re already in an exploitative relationship, this workbook helps you figure out how you were seduced, what you need to do to leave, and how to protect yourself so that it never happens again.

The Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook contains a dozen checklists and nearly 50 questions to encourage you to think objectively about your situation. I’ve included space right in the book for you to record your answers and observations. You’ll clarify:

  • Personal beliefs that make it hard to recognize an exploiter
  • Your traits and needs that make you vulnerable to a sociopath
  • Your positive qualities that a sociopath would love to abuse
  • The strategies a predator may use to seduce you
  • Your reactions to internal warnings, or warnings from others
  • Why you may overlook or excuse bad behavior
  • How to leave an abusive individual once and for all

A sociopath cannot have an exploitative relationship with you if you don’t cooperate.  The Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook helps you fortify your internal defenses so that you can avoid, or escape, a damaging involvement.

The Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook is available EXCLUSIVELY in the Lovefraud Store. A $6.95 value, it is FREE with your purchase of the printed Red Flags of Love Fraud on Lovefraud.com (just pay the shipping cost for an additional book).

If you’ve already purchased the printed Red Flags of Love Fraud, you can request a free copy of the Workbook just pay the shipping and handling. This offer is only available to readers who purchased the book previously in the Lovefraud Store, and your prior purchase will be verified. Offer expires July 15, 2012.

Red Flags of Love Fraud e-book

Finally, Red Flags of Love Fraud is now available as an e-book. In the electronic version, the links to outside reference material are active, so if your device is connected to the Internet, you have immediate access to more in-depth information about sociopaths.

The e-book is available for any device—Kindle, Barnes and Noble Nook, Sony Reader, Apple iPad and iBook, and e-reading applications for your computer. This will be especially helpful for Lovefraud’s readers located outside of the United States, because you can now get the book without paying international shipping costs.

Order your copy of the Red Flags of Love Fraud today! In fact, order one for yourself, and one for a friend or family member who also needs the information!

Lovefraud Store
Printed book, Workbook and e-book in all formats

Amazon.com
Printed book and Kindle e-book


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Truthspeak

DONNA!!!!!!!!!!!! TOWAAAAAANDAAAAAAAA!

Congratulations and THANK YOU for your determination and survival!

Brightest, brightest blessings

alohatraveler

Too bad for James Montgomery that he married such a smart, articulate, and determined woman.

Little did he know that his bad deeds would launch such an awesome website empowering people all over the world to defeat shabby characters like him.

Congratulations on your hard work on the books. I will be ordering soon.

Aloha

Truthspeak

We need a farking “LIKE” option on this blog! LOL Alohatraveler said it to a “T!”

alohatraveler

truthspeak… there is a “like” button. Hit it. You never know who on FaceBook might need to read this. In my opinion… we all need to read this.

:O)

behind_blue_eyes

I purchased the e-book yesterday and I am about half finished reading it. Very good work Donna!

I think at least one of the comments was mine, if not it was very similar to what I experienced.

More to come…

behind_blue_eyes

Regarding the sociopath stare:

“Some people instinctively recoil from the stare. Others, however, override any sense of apprehension and interpret intense eye contact as a sign of attraction. “I remember his intense eye contact from the first moment I saw him, which made me a bit uncomfortable but made me believe he was strongly interested in me,” one survey respondent wrote.”

This is the comment I think I wrote. If not, it accurately describes my experience. Moreover, it was the first clue that I had been involved with a sociopath, when I came across an article describing the sociopath stare.

“But sociopaths are good at distracting us from their emptiness, so early in an involvement, you may see the lifeless eyes only fleetingly. In fact, this characteristic is often easier to notice in a photograph of the individual, rather than in person.”

Uncanny, as I did not see the emptiness in person, only after the fact in photos. Interestingly, in a conversion when he was flattering me on my “sky blue eyes,” he said his were more “cold and gray” than blue. I remember this comment disturbing me. If I had only known…

Louise

BBE:

OMG. Yeah, the stare. That is exactly how I felt…that the stare meant he was greatly attracted to me. What an idiot I was.

Photographs. I never saw any pictures of mine, but his daughter has his eyes and there are many photos of her on Facebook and Google. Wow…they are empty…it is sad. Extremely sad and creepy. She’s only 13. She looks exactly like him…she’s adorable, but I bet wicked.

That is weird that yours would say his eyes were cold and gray…who says that? I could see someone saying they were gray or grayish blue or something, but cold? Yeah, that was a huge red flag. These damaged beings…smh.

behind_blue_eyes

Louise;

My ex-spath’s oldest nephew looks very much like him, with the same eyes and same almost “devious” smile. This is very evident when the kid is side-by-side with his younger brother.

behind_blue_eyes

“The sociopaths who engaged in deceptive sex were the most pathological in the survey. On every measure, they were the most disordered and caused the most harm to their partners.”

My x-spath was HIV+ and did not tell me, lied about his online activities and was very much into porn.

“With sociopaths, however, the interest in pornography is often extreme, both in quantity and the level of deviance. “Sick stuff,” commented one survey respondent.”

The “sick stuff” comment could well have been me, as my x-spath was into porn depicting bareback sex, fisting, group sex, violent sex and more…

“Interestingly, 71 percent of the sexually deceptive group engaged in intense eye contact, compared to 57 percent of those who were not sexually deceptive. And 70 percent of the sexually deceptive group were described has having eyes that sometimes seemed lifeless, compared with 58 percent of the rest of the sociopaths.”

Again, I wish I knew the stare connection.

Truthspeak

Behindblueeyes, I think that the “stare” is that there’s no emotional feedback, if that makes any sense. The stare is an actual attempt to gain information. They’re drinking in our facial expressions and the emotional information that they can read in our own eyes. Since they don’t feel, they need to record valuable information, visually.

In retrospect, I can clearly recognize that the second exspath had NO emotional engagement, whatsoever. Okay, think about the most vibrant, jubilant, and delightful human being that YOU know, personally. Now, compare the inner light in their eyes to the spath’s. There’s no comparison, because there IS no “inner light” in the eyes of spaths. Yes, some can …. “make” …. their eyes twinkle, but it’s not connected to other people. It’s usually in reference to some off-color joke or glee in someone else’s misfortune – no true joy or mirth. The first exspath just had very cruel eyes…….very cruel.

And, the connection between sexual deviance and sociopathy cannot be ignored. BOTH exspaths were addicted to pornography and objectification of women. This second exspath WAS into the very, very sick stuff, and was acting out his deviances in group gatherings with people of the same ilk – very expensive gatherings, I must say. And, the level of violence and torture still makes me physically nauseous to recall it.

As an aside, my personal sexuality has been damaged beyond repair, I’m afraid, as a result of the discoveries about the the second exspath. UGH…..

Ana

Hello,
Since the spath that I once knew was a woman ‘friend’ I wonder; do women spaths have that same addiction to porn the male spaths have? I know she has a couple of short relationships in a row, but have no knowledge if she was into porn. Who knows with these creeps.

Louise

Ana:

I don’t know if the women are addicted to porn, but I know the one I was entangled with was very “sexual.” Always flirting, always had her boobs hanging out…would never wear a shirt that wasn’t revealing. All the men were after her because they knew what she was like…she exuded sexual energy.

behind_blue_eyes

Truth;

I agree, in retrospect, regarding their stare is to gain information. First, from a distance, it is about physical attraction — simple yes or no. Then, close up, to learn about you, so as how to manipulate you.

Yes, there is no sparkle about true emotion or interests, because other than sex, money and control, they have none.

Lastly, I believe that sexual deviance among sociopaths is so common, it is defining, much the same way as cutting iis to borderline personality disorder.

behind_blue_eyes

Ana;

Understanding gay people is difficult because of certain conundrums. For example, while physical homosexual characteristics tend to be “hyper-masculine” — gay men have higher T levels, larger penises, at least one trait is hypo-masculine — larger hypothalamus and perhaps even auditory traits more female. In addition, on standardized tests, gays tend to score between male and female.

This could imply that lesbians might be attracted to porn than straight women. Let me see if there are any studies.

behind_blue_eyes

Ana;

I could not find any studies on lesbians and porn — that might be a good thing!

Ana

Thanks Louise, I appreciate your input.

BBE; she wasn’t a lesbian as far as I know…and neither am I. I am married to a man.

Hmm… Makes me wonder about that porn addiction with women spaths. Thanks for checking!

behind_blue_eyes

Opps, sorry Ana I misread your comment.

Ana

BBE,
Thanks for checking. I’m still curious about that though.
My husband says she is deviant criminal. I must agree. I can’t imagine what it was like for those poor men to have encountered her..UGH! They prolly ran for their lives…<3

kim frederick

My guess, and only a guess is that spath women DO NOT have the same propensity to use pornography that male spath’s do, because women, in general are not as visually stimulated as men are. Furthermore, most porn is fashioned for the male point of view…ie, the male is in control, (again, just a guess. I’m sure there is some porn out there that features dominitrex’s and such). I would think that the female spath would be very seductive and use her sexuality as a means of gaining control.

Kim,
I heard that porn for women shows men cleaning the house…

works for me. 😆

Truthspeak

Skylar……a perfect women’s “porn” would depict a really buff male that endures horrendous PMS, a toxemic pregnancy, and a 20-hour labor/delivery and is cooking, cleaning house, cleaning laundry, making beds, whose body turns into tapioca ALL during the portrayal! LMAO!!!!!!! (guffaw, snort, chortle)

darwinsmom

I wanted to write this for a while now, and I have done so personally to Donna already, but I will repeat it. Donna has done major, groundbreaking work for victims and survivors, by creating a list of red flags of spaths and paths in the wild. It is understandable, includes the red flags in the early lovebombing deception phase when the mask is full on, and you can still escape the traumatic d&d.

I owe her my gratitude for creating this blog with daily info as well as commentators. And I owe a lot of gratitude to all of you guys and gals. I’ve always been a person who likes to make up my own mind, whether it’s the opinion of a ‘professional expert’ or that of a ‘expert by experience’… but I value both types of data and anecdotes and info. You’ve all shared your stories and your opinions freely, and yet give others the freedom to think it over, compare, make up their own mind and agree, disagree or say, “I don’t know”.

Nobody here will become suspicious of someone here if they want to call the spath a psychopath or vice versa. Nobody here will accuse you of being devaluing or an enabler or even a downplaying psychopath for not agreeing with the claim that a narcissist must be a psychopath. Nobody here will reject you if you believe there actually are professional experts out there who’re trying their utter best to comprehend the tree destructive personality disorders and might have a reason to make a distinction, even if all three show the same behaviours.

No victim here imo was ever told to go seek another forum simply for using a different name of the disorder, or for god forbid have some faith left in some professionals, nor vice versa when they have no faith at all in them anymore. The sole posters ever rejected here are people who’ve shown themselves to act maliciously, start stirring the pot (and I mean START, I do no mean ‘respond’ to the stirred pot) or who plead understanding for the spaths and blame us.

This community of victims is open minded and has produced valuable practical tactics for victims realizing there are different life situation that prevent a survivor of going full no contact. This is an understanding community, who try to research together. The Grey Rock tactic is such a gem imo for those in need of it. I’m happy I’m in a situation I don’t have to use that tactic at all, but I’m glad it’s out there to refer other people to.

Unfortunately I’ve seen how some other communities perpetuate a victim division, where it’s better not to discuss any opinion regarding who or what is a psychopath and who may not be, because if people do slightly disagree with it or at least come out and say “I’m not totally convinced” they end up being told they’re in the wrong group. How in the hell can a victim be in the “wrong” group of victims? Is’t a victim is a victim is a victim? How can a community claim to be working for solely towards healing when they insist on dividing victims over their beliefs over a subject the ‘experts’ don’t even agree on?

Well THIS community does not perpetuate division. Yes, some people are raw and may feel attacked. They have the freedom to respond and express their hurt and be defensive. Members will comfort them, and yet without necessarily chiding or ousting the other. All in all, this is a ver gentle, understanding community. And we have some superb long term members here, who welcome new survivors and guide us greatly, and yet encourage us to strike out own path. Disagreeing slightly with them sometimes may feel daunting and apprehensive, but not punished.

You all made me feel respected, valued and allowed me to seek my own way through the trees of the forrest with your mass of experiences and insights.

Basically I just want to say that I love you gals and guys!

Truthspeak

Darwinsmom…..well said, and you are loved right back, without conditions or judgement.

Brightest blessings to you

behind_blue_eyes

“My guess, and only a guess is that spath women DO NOT have the same propensity to use pornography that male spath’s do, because women, in general are not as visually stimulated as men are.”

Kim, this is quite true, which is also a reason why men watch sports. In fact, men are so visual that when watching sports, certain physical changes occur that mimic the actual players, such as eye motion, and testosterone boost with victory…

behind_blue_eyes

darwinsmom;

I agree with Truthspeak, very well said. We should all do whatever we can to support Donna.

Darwinsmom,
I’ve been wanting to tell you how much I appreciate your posts too. Since you came here, you’ve always been the voice of reason. More recently, I’ve seen you become more articulate and incisive on the subject of spaths. Often times, you put to words what I’m too disorganized to say.

Thanks for being you and being here.

Ox Drover

Kim, I just heard a good one that Milo will appreciate….AMISH porn is a CAR MAGAZINE. LOL And yea, I agree that GIRL PORN is a picture of a man cleaning house. LOL Yep, that’s my idea of something sexy. Never had one that sexy. But who knows, maybe one day! LOL

G1S

Thank you, Darwinsmom, what you wrote was lovely.

behind_blue_eyes

“All sociopaths lie to the extreme. If someone isn’t lying, he or she is not a sociopath. In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, 95 percent of respondents said that the sociopaths they knew were extremely or moderately deceitful.”

I guess that by implication (71 percent of the sexually deceptive group engaged in intense eye contact) those showing intense eye contact would in general be the most deceitful?

Ox Drover

BBE, while the LF survey sheds some light on the perceptions of the victims…it really isn’t a “scientific survey” because the people who are being “labeled” as psychopaths by their victims, may or may not actually be psychopaths, it is the PERCEPTION of the people taking the survey that they fit the criteria.

Now, that doesn’t mean that the results of the survey are not meaningful, because I think they are very meaningful. Looking at psychopathy from the PERCEPTION of the people who see themselves as victims of “love fraud” is a very interesting and informative way to look at things even if it does not meet the strict criteria for a scientific experiment.

Victims’ perceptions have not been looked at very often or very clearly I don’t think, and because this survey which asks volunteers to offer their opinions about the behaviors of those that they perceive victimized them, I think it gives a picture of what those victims who are willing to take the survey observed in the person who victimized them.

Deceitfulness is a hall mark of the psychopath, though all people who are deceitful are not psychopaths.

Some people have noted the intense eye contact that some psychopaths have, but I don’t think that a percentage has been figured by anyone scientifically. Intense eye contact is a predatory behavior across species. Border Collies who herd prey animals (sheep, goats, pigs, cattle, etc) use intense eye contact to cause the prey animals to change direction and to pack up. Just as wolves and lions do the same thing.

I found Donna’s survey very interesting and informative. It is only another bit of information in the collective of information being assembled by observation and research about psychopaths, but it is another blank filled in.

behind_blue_eyes

Ox;

Very good point. Did Donna have any access (direct or indirected) to any of the “sociopaths?”

You prefer the term “toxic” to anyone who is incapable of a healthy relationship, for whatever reason. This would include, but not be limited to sociopaths.

Ox Drover

BBE, no Donna did not interview or survey any of the “sociopaths”

I don’t “prefer” the term “toxic” for everyone but the thing is that ANY relationship where there is abuse is toxic to the victim for sure! I don’t think that an abusive relationship (depending on the level of the abuse) is necessarily one in which there is a psychopath, but it is surely not a healthy one and not one in which I would want to be involved in any capacity.

Many people learn dysfunctional ways of coping wiht family Drama-ramas rather than learning to set healthy boundaries.

As children in unhealthy families we learn to survive, to do what we need to do to cope with parents or social situaitons where we are not treated with respect due to us as human beings. We learn dyfunctional patterns of relating, of interacting, that become what we think of as “normal” because that is what we grew up with.

I know now that the family I grew up in my FOO was highly dysfunctional, yet, for years I thought we were a “normal family” with good ways of behaving. I realized eventually that I had bought into many of these dysfuncitonal ways of behaving myself. Those dysfunctional ways contributed to me allowing others to abuse and use me. Of me not knowing how to set reasonable boundaries.

I go back to the way I was taught that my feelings did not matter, that my job was to make other people “happy” no matter what it cost me in terms of allowing them to abuse me.

Fortunately I had a good man for a step father, my “daddy” but he too was somewhat involved in the dysfunction though he was a caring man and I realize that he loved me very much. He supported me in ways that I didn’t even realize until I was an adult. I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that I was able to spend the last 18 months of his life with him, caring for him, and being able to understand more about our relationship. Even in retrospect, I can see that the good parts of me came from him.

He too was such into a lot of the dysfunction and keeping his own counsel when I wish now he had spoken up, but he would not “fight” my egg donor. She had him in thrall as well. He did come to my defense the one time she really physically lost it and was beating me with a belt, buckle end. I was defying her and she went postal. He pulled her off me.

He loved my son Patrick when Patrick was a kid and was a mentor to him, but he did realize that Patrick was a worthless individual and that his “repentence” was a fake though. I wish I had listened to him more. It would have saved me a lot of grief. He didn’t push his opinion on me though, and I was so deep in denial that I didn’t want to accept what he knew as truth.

I can only accept that I made my choices, and I lived in denial for a long long time about Patrick.

My son D said when the summer of Chaos started that if my dad or my husband Morgan had been alive “none of this would have happened” and I believe that, but they were both gone by that time. I realize now that Daddy kept a lid on my egg donor’s behavior that I didn’t realize at the time. After he was gone and Morgan was dead, there was no one to keep a lid on her need to control the dysfunctional dynamics of the family. When I started setting boundaries she panicked and then things went to hell in a hand basket. Even from his prison cell, Patrick continues to control my egg donor. Though she thinks she is in control. LOL It is a case of the psychopathic controlling the dysfunctional.

behind_blue_eyes

Ox;

In my family, it is my mother who keeps the “lid” on dysfunction, especially regarding her younger sister. My aunt is such a controller that she has made her life miserable because she cannot step away from her children’s lives.

For example, she lives on a fixed income and her main asset is her house. 4 years ago, when the markets were high, I tried to get her into a reverse mortgage to provide some extra income. She would not do this, for fear she would leave less to my ungrateful cousins.

JustBree

As soon as I leave this comment I’m headed to the kindle store to buy the book. I want/need to read more about the sexual deviance. My spath was very into pornography, BDSM, objectification of women and violence toward women. I have now learned that his sexuality isn’t restricted to women. It’s not about the woman, the man or the whomever -‘it’s all about power and control. I just learned last week that he is zeroing in on his next victim – a slightly older, overweight woman with glaring self esteem issues. Keep up the good work, stay strong and support your fellow victims. It does get better, but it’s not an easy or linear process.

Hugs,
Bree

behind_blue_eyes

JustBree;

My ex-spath was exclusively homosexual and I do believe him on this. His deviance may have been for younger. I have several reasons to believe this. First, several of his web profiles say so. Second, he dressed like a teenager yet he is in his late thirties.

But most chilling was a “matching question” on one of his profiles. “Would you date somebody convicted of a sex crime.” Since my ex-spath is a small person and with no real physical strength, if he is alluding to something in his past, I doubt it is a physical crime.

breckgirl

Just bought two copies of the book and workbook! Look forward to sharing them with the head of our local DV organization.

So excited there is a workbook! Cannot wait to see it!

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