Like most of the United States, all of us at Lovefraud were horrified by the sordid story of child sexual abuse that emerged from Penn State University last week. Unlike most of the United States, we probably weren’t surprised.
That’s because all of us at Lovefraud have learned a very difficult lesson that millions of other people have not learned. This is the lesson: Evil exists.
For most of us, however, there was a time before the lesson. At that time we didn’t know evil existed—let alone what it looked like or what to do about it. So at that time, we were vulnerable to the sociopaths.
The sociopaths came into our lives, showering us with affection and maybe gifts, asking about our dreams and promising to make them come true. Kind of like the way Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant football coach, treated some of the young boys from his Second Mile organization for disadvantaged youths.
Then, after a period of time, we glimpsed inappropriate or immoral behavior from the sociopath. Perhaps it was directed towards someone else. Perhaps it was directed toward us. In any event, we were shocked.
Did we really see what we thought we saw? Did that person, who we always thought was so wonderful, who had been treating us like gold, really do that? It’s so out of character. It can’t be true.
Kind of like the reaction many people probably had towards allegedly seeing or hearing about Jerry Sandusky abusing young boys.
Complicated issue
Many people at Penn State failed to take appropriate action to stop Sandusky from preying on young boys. All of the following people have been criticized:
- Janitors who knew of an assault
- Mike McQueary, the graduate assistant football coach who witnessed an attack
- The Penn State athletic director and senior vice president, who failed to contact police
- Penn State University President Graham Spanier, himself a family therapist
- The legendary football coach Joe Paterno
But the issue is complicated. I am not making excuses for anyone, but experts say that any decision about what to do in this situation would have been fraught with psychological issues and societal pressures. An excellent article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette raised the following points:
- Did the officials who failed to report feel allegiance to a friend? Did they feel allegiance to Penn State football, or to the university?
- What about the phenomenon of “diffusion of responsibility”? Did everyone think reporting was someone else’s responsibility?
- What about the human brain, which is “remarkably adept at believing what it wants to believe—”and not believing what it doesn’t want to believe?
Read Penn State: Why doing the right thing isn’t as easy as it seems, on Post-Gazette.com.
Teachable moment
So how do we correct the problem? How can people be prepared to respond appropriately when they come face to face with evil? We need awareness, education and training:
- Awareness: Evil exists.
- Education: Evil is not always obvious. Sometimes, it masquerades as goodness.
- Training: When we discover evil, what do we do?
Quite frankly, I think many of the people who could have reported the behavior of Jerry Sandusky were shocked into inaction. They saw or learned something unbelievable. They didn’t know what they saw or learned was possible. Then, with no guidance about what to do in such a situation, they decided there was less personal risk in doing nothing, or doing the minimal, or soft peddling what they learned, in case they were wrong.
Make no mistake: Doing the right thing in this situation involved enormous personal risk. It was the individual’s word against that of a scion of Penn State football. It was like going up against the church.
Perhaps, in the end, good will come out of this tragedy. What happened at Penn State has provided a teachable moment on a grand scale.
The child sexual abuse scandal has forever tarnished the legacy of the legendary Joe Paterno and the storied Penn State football team. It is a lesson of what can happen when people fail to do the right thing. The sudden and drastic downfall may be just what is needed to help people faced with similar situations in the future take the personal risk and go to the right authorities.
Doing nothing may be safe in the short term, but perilous in the long term. If Joe Paterno can be ruined by not doing enough, anyone can be ruined.
Yeah, creepy huh!!
And the common thread of all those horrific events is a narcissistic psychopath!
OK here’s an important lesson from the Penn State Scandal:
ALL PSYCHOPATHS DO PSYCHOPATHIC TELLS.
“Touched — The Jerry Sandusky Story.”
That’s the name of his autobiography. CAN IT SCREAM ANY LOUDER? THEY ALL DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
skylar:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!
Louise, yep. They can’t resist. They CAN’T resist. They “tell” like we, breathe. They all do the exact same things, you just have to know how to interpret the actions.
skylar:
It’s amazing! Mine and the OW in triangulation both told tells all the time. I just didn’t realize it at the time of course! Duh, stupid me. BUT…I am NOT stupid anymore!! HAHA!! The joke is on them now!
Latest headlines say he’s denying it now…
Of course he’s denying it…..just admit he was in the shower with the kid, that’s harmless, right? Maybe not wise, but he never thought at the time that some kid would accuse him of something so bad…after all he was a coach at THE Penn State program, and NO coach from there would do anything baaaaad….. PUKE!
pass the bucket.
PUKE
This is a great article. It triggered me, too, but in different ways. I wanted to share my perspective. The trigger for me was the call for legislation to punish people who fail to report, and to protect whistleblowers…
All I can think of is “witch hunt.”
I don’t know how common my experience is, but I was recently falsely accused of child neglect, investigated by CPS, they interviewed my spath ex-husband and his even-worse wife, who lied about me in the report which CPS based their “finding” on. It caused tremendous trauma to me and my children. Although the initial report occurred 8 months ago, I am still PTSD-ing from it. It sucks! I am angry and hurt and feel like I have absolutely no recourse. They “branded” me with a neglect label which I have to carry for the next 5 years. All evidence was fabricated and false (I don’t have to prove this to you guys, of course — but I have to tell “my truth” somewhere…). The CPS lawyer said, “we are not taking your children away. Why should you care if you are labeled neglectful? most people find that it really doesn’t affect their lives at all…” meaning I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. her logic escapes me, but she is young — perhaps she is not yet a mother. Most people who are not yet mothers think that they will be super-moms once they become mothers. Or people who have not been falsely accused think it would never happen to them, OF COURSE NOT, because they are good parents. (I once thought that, too! silly me…)
I defended myself by telling the truth, but it was not sufficient. All I can say is, it was my word against theirs, and CPS chose to believe the spaths.
This is the most crushing thing to go through — I have been a good mother, have not neglected my children, and my reputation has been smeared. I don’t know how to ‘get over this.’
That is the trigger. I am afraid of making it more likely that false accusations will destroy innocent, good people’s lives, if we have legislation in understandable reaction to child sexual abuse — to make people report it. And think that that will solve the problem without creating new ones.
I’m hoping you won’t read that and react in a simplistic or surface way (though you can react however you do, of course — as my reaction was a “trigger” — most of us have them).
From my experience, I think that we need to look at the entire system as a whole — and I think not enough attention has been paid to CPS and how they do their work. What happens when people file a report? Do fair and thorough investigations happen? Not always — and my experience is not unique.
Am I putting down all CPS caseworkers? Of course not! They have a job to do, some of them do it well, and some of them — I sadly now believe — lack the experience and perspective to be able to tell a neglectful or abusive parent from a good one. And err on the side of “protect the children!” and snatch them away or other knee jerk reactions. The aftermath of this type of investigation feels more like I and my family were invaded by a toddler in a china shop with a baseball bat who smashed everything and then smiled, satisfied, and left us to pick up the pieces of our lives.
We need to make absolutely sure that when we report “suspected” abuse that the investigations are conducted fairly! We need watchdogs. That there is no foregone conclusion in the investigator’s mind. Innocent people can be traumatized through false allegations and yes, this does happen! Does CPS give you any “how to deal with the aftermath of trauma from the CPS investigation of your false accusation” handbook as a parting gift? No!!!!! They just make their finding, and you are left on your own to deal. It’s horrible. (they never admitted that they were wrong — their final finding was “unsubstantiated neglect” which means they have no evidence either way, but just in case I AM neglectful, they are going to label me thus for the next 5 years). It just hurts. And I’ll admit one reason why: being a mom — a good and safe, attentive, appropriate mom — is a huge part of my identity. Not the only part, but a very big part. I’m devoted. I’m dutiful. I care. I try. I fix my mistakes. I try to do it “right” — not perfectly — and have a goal of raising self-sufficient, productive adults. I really, really want to do this right. And I think that I do! And I think there are many moms like me — and we are all vulnerable to false accusations and traumatic CPS investigations, if people choose to report either to cause mischief or because they have some slight suspicion of abuse or neglect (maybe Johnny forgot to take his coat to school one day, so mom is neglectful — etc.).
So, my questions for society are — how do we protect children from sexual abuse, while also not going on witch hunts? This is a very tough problem. I do not think that legislation for the bystanders is going to help, UNLESS there is also simultaneous reform of the CPS system.
We need to be concerned with THE TRUTH.
I do not — absolutely do not — think that saving innocent children should trump everything and that we should go full steam ahead in saying, “well, you know, the potential innocence of this adult under investigation DOES NOT MATTER. They are an adult. They can get over having their child taken away. They can get over any nasty accusation we level at them. They can get over having their friends shun them. We don’t care — we only care about the children. Even the least little suspicion of abuse means we get to destroy innocent adult lives.”
I know that is an extreme reaction of mine — as I said, it is a trigger. Does my trigger trump the sexual abuse of children? I don’t view it as a contest. I would like the entire system looked at — child sexual abuse is wrong. But we also need strong adults, and we need to be able to recognize the difference between an adult who is a threat to children, and an adult who is a protector of children. We need to find better ways to prevent it and stop it. And I think we also need to find better ways of investigating “suspicion” of abuse — so that adult/family lives are not destroyed in the process.
I’m interested in everyone’s thoughts — how to have a balanced and fair approach that safeguards children without unduly destroying the “good adults” who are out there. Because good adults are not perfect — who is?
I think Donna’s approach is right on target. Recognize that evil exists.
But then, please, don’t be so horrified by that that you stamp out the good along with the evil.