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Letter from a sociopath

From time to time, Lovefraud receives email from people who identify themselves as sociopaths. Here’s one that came in recently:

I have read your website, and i am not impressed. You give the impression that all sociopaths are murderers and haters, incapable of loving, and should be thrown away as a tragedy to the human race. You do not mention the difference between a high-functioning sociopath and a low-functioning sociopath. I happen to be a high-functioning sociopath, and your website is all lies and misguided information, and whats worse, you gain money out of creating a stigma of us, and abusing the victims of certain relationships, which although do happen, aren’t generally what high functioning sociopaths are about. Who’s the one with no conscience? I would say you.

I have no emotion, i use logic to understand what is happening. I mimic emotions of others because i know that it is important to my survival that i display emotion or otherwise people become scared. Is that really so bad? Yes, perhaps i play mind games with people because i grow so bored, but that doesn’t really harm them does it? People get over it. I don’t go out murdering puppies and kittens, and laugh like a comic villain. I may have mistreated some animals, but never with the intent of doing so. I may have hurt some people, but they get over it. I’m the one who has to pay for their hurt, they threaten my survival when they retaliate. I flirt with people a lot, but so do a lot of people, not just sociopaths. I do have some emotion, even if it is limited. I can pretend to have an emotion to convince myself. I act simply to feel.

You ’empaths’ only have emotions so that you are scared of us, when all we are are bored, and confused harmless cheeky rascals. And to point out, adult sociopaths usually stop being sociopaths after the age of 30, so its not ‘incurable’ as soon as they become an adult. You try living in a world that is black and white, where any emotion has to be forced, and you have to copy others expression, and  you’re always so very bored, because i am, so bored. You can’t blame us for needing some excitement, to survive we must have a way out of our boredom. You know nothing about what you say. We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.

Born with the genes

The person who wrote this letter, I was able to determine, is an attractive young woman. I’ll ignore her mischaracterizations of Lovefraud—we are obviously well aware that sociopaths are not all murderers, because most of us were involved with sociopaths who didn’t kill anyone.  Beyond that, her letter provides a good insight into the reality of sociopaths, with all their rationalizations and excuses.

Even so, I do feel sorry for them.

Sociopathy is highly genetic, and no sociopaths asked to be born they way they are. No sociopaths asked for manipulative parents or uncaring home environments that pushed them further along the path towards disorder. That’s the hand they were dealt, and it’s truly sad.

Even sadder is the fact that they don’t know it’s sad. It’s like someone born blind, who doesn’t comprehend vision. Or someone born deaf, who can’t understand what music may be. They were born with a limited or nonexistent ability to love, and whatever love they did have was probably snuffed out by their own disordered parents. Instead, they have an overactive appetite for power and control.

Like this young woman, sociopaths are aware that they are different. But most of them don’t care. In fact, they take pride in their ability to exercise power, and look down on the rest of us. We are merely marks to be exploited.

Lessen the disorder

This young woman also said that people stop being sociopaths at the age of 30. There is no scientific evidence that sociopathy can be cured. The best we can usually hope for is that sociopaths will decide to comply with the mores of society, if only because it’s in their own self-interest. They do have the power to decide that following the rules is more convenient and causes them less aggravation than violating them.

Can sociopaths actually lessen their disorder? Dr. Liane Leedom is hopeful, although she recognizes that it is extremely difficult. The fact is that many brain characteristics and functions contribute to sociopathy, and the human brain is not static. Beliefs and behaviors can cause chemical and structural changes in the brain. So if sociopaths were really committed to changing their ideas, and engaged in activities that fostered empathy, their brain structures could change. An individual willing to attempt this would probably have a lesser degree of disorder to begin with, so maybe he or she would already have seeds of caring buried within, seeds that could grow into a degree of empathy.

Inaccessible soul

I was struck by the last sentence of the letter:

We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.

I actually think that the young woman is right about this. The souls of sociopaths are buried under so much negativity—anger, hatred, aggression, coldness, envy and the desire for power—that the souls can’t be felt.

I don’t think those of us who have been damaged by sociopaths should attempt to help them. Our first duty is to ourselves, to our own health and recovery. But I believe that we’re all connected, and maybe in whatever communication we may have with a higher power, we can pray for them. It might take a long time, but maybe it will do some good.

Even if we don’t see any improvement in particular individuals, praying will help ourselves. Bitterness only prolongs our own misery and harms our own health. Perhaps offering prayers, from a safe distance, will make a difference all the way around.


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220 Comments on "Letter from a sociopath"

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Sky, I just got this book recently in a box of old books I bought at the auction. Intersting you should mention it.

Oxy,
cool.
I think you will like it. The message in it, was something that doesn’t come naturally to me. So I found it very helpful.

Sky, I totally agree with you 100%! I think that may have been why my ma and her oldest sister are so screwed up. I just found out the other day that my grandma was basically a slave to them all. She had four kids and a husband, and she did ALL the work. They never helped or were expected to do a thing.
It is bad to swing too far the other way in either direction. Parenting can be hard. I like Dr. Sears though. He is great when I need advise. Kids need to learn how to be respectful, and part of teaching them empathy means they put themselves in the other person’s shoes and can feel what the other person feels. It would seem very hard to do that if they were shielded from everything in life.

Oxy, I never said it was the ONLY thing, but I strongly feel it is a factor in most cases. This is from personal experience, and science is still trying to figure everything out, for sure about this stuff. I recently read a study and a lot of information about how most kids with these disordered parents do not grow up to be like this. So, my point was just that genetics is not the main factor. Yes, you need the genes, but in the majority of cases where one grows up to be a s/p/n environment is a huge factor.
It just seems like there might be a little too much about discarding kids because they are just genetically linked, and some parents do have a cause in this (not all!). I had to step away from the posts for a little bit, because I became rather upset by a post, recently. I read a post about a woman who stayed, left, returned, struggles to not go back to a very abusive man where there are children being physically and mentally abused. Then she gets support and told not to blame herself for her child’s behavior because of genes. This post made me cry a little for the kid. These kids are in an abusive situ and I do feel the adult should take responsibility for being in the situ and returning to it.
I have screwed up countless times, as does everyone. It is life, but we live up to it. I do take responsibility for my screw ups, and I correct them. Yes, it is my fault if I put myself or my kids in a bad situation. I give some leeway for not knowing, but after some time of it I have to be responsible. My feelings and my wants cannot be the only thing that matters in my life. I have kids, and part of that is caring and not putting them in bad situations, esp. because I am being to selfish to leave a man that I know is abusive. I don’t want to sound like a judgmental bitch, but I do feel guilty for some of my mistakes and screw ups, and I think it is a normal healthy thing. It helps me not to do the same thing over and over again, and it helps me to correct and try to mend some of the damage that has been done.
I guess I might just be on the other side of things. I am more of a child advocate type of person. I have been able to walk away when I felt someone was or could be abusive. I put my own feelings aside and thought of the impact it would have on the other people around the situation. I understand that some people do not understand esp when it comes to mental abuse. That one can be really hard to see, and I understand staying longer than one should. I just cannot understand when someone stays with a man that punches a small child in the face. To me, that makes you an accessory to child abuse. It is just how I feel, and I do not expect anyone else to feel the same as me. We all have our different life experiences and ideals that shape us and our thoughts/ feelings on issues.

I think this article is appropriate in light of the psychopathic trolls who have infiltrated this site even after being asked to leave and IP addresses blocked by Donna.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Whatever happened to grey rock and the smiley brigade? we can all act as we want here, but what each of us does with spaths and trolls effects the whole blog. I am not being judgemental about those who choose to interact with spaths here, but please….don’t. However we want handle them in our own lives is up to us, but interaction is supply and that only extends the stay.

i had some real things i wanted to post about this weekend, and the blog was not a safe place to do that. newcomers got caught. the general level of suspicion about who is what was raised on the blog. i heard things about people calling others spaths (stuff i surely missed the first time around). and on. and on.

this is what spaths bring. and the splintering and lack of safety on the blog because we engage is saddening. Can we try to just ignore these people on the blog? I have watched spaths and trolls come and go; and watched how the posters here have handled each one that showed up – and the best outcomes are always from grey rock. always. bore, ignore and use the report button.

QUOTE ABOVE ARTICLE: Instead, they have an overactive appetite for power and control.

Like this young woman, sociopaths are aware that they are different. But most of them don’t care. In fact, they take pride in their ability to exercise power, and look down on the rest of us. We are merely marks to be exploited.

Ox Drover,

There is no pain greater on this earth than loving someone with all your heart and listening to them say they want to change, in a moment – you can hear their voice be so sweet – like a child’s voice. And, it’s real, for that moment.

Just as fast, they are ripping out your heart gleefully, destroying you, and mocking you for being so stupid to buy the con again.

I just pray to God that he leads the way for people who are truly beyond human help.

The real battle for a sociopath is finding his/her self – honoring their real feelings; real pain, happinesses, etc. Finding the small voice of emotions and abiding by it, and then the next step – introducing it to the world in trust that he/she won’t be hammered down by their environment…

The path to self-realization isn’t a “tool”. Self-realization requires you to follow IT, and to make changes that are necessary in order to honor IT better 🙂

Dear Purewater,

I agree with you totally, it does rip your heart out when you love someone and they manipulate and lie to you…whether they can not change or just don’t want to, doesn’t matter….the point is that they are not going to change.

Just as the troll who comes here, in spite of being asked, then demanded to leave, but continues to seek attention here in a place he is not wanted…WHY he is not wanted is beside the point, would YOU for example stay where you were not wanted? Of course not, but you have boundaries and you respect other people’s boundaries. SAYING the word “respect” but DEMONSTRATING DIS-respect is what makes the troll prove that he IS A TROLL.

We must always look at the ACTIONS of people versus their words, when the actions and words don’t “jive” you can know that the person is manipulating (or trying to).

Ox,

I hear ya.

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