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Reaching Out And Healing

Today I would like to reach out to everyone here on this site. I have been deeply touched by your comments and on-going conversations, and I feel so much of the pain and confusion that many of you are still experiencing. Your stories resonate so strongly with me on numerous levels — because I’ve been there too. I know how it feels. I ache for each and every one of you who is currently going through the heartbreak and insanity. And I’m here to tell you, today, that it WILL get better. You WILL come through — particularly with the help and support of sites like this — and there WILL come a time when you can look back at where you are now, recognize all you have achieved and give yourself a huge great pat on the back. I know this road is painful. I know it’s fraught with dangers. I also know from my own experience that it’s a road that leads to someplace better than I could possibly have imagined back then. So, in my opinion, it’s a hugely valuable journey — although there were certainly moments when it didn’t feel that way!

When I first discovered the extent of my soul mate’s betrayals, I honestly thought that I would die from the pain. It was excruciating. Not just emotional, but physical as well — I’m quite sure that I actually felt and heard the sinews snapping as my heart ripped in two. The days were horrific and the nights were torturous — nightmares haunted my sleep, and when I awoke I found myself still caught in the murderous grip of a ghastly and terrifying dream. But there was no escape. For this was no dream. It was my reality. And, like it or not, I had to deal with it.

Why Had This Happened To Me?

No matter where I went, no matter what I did, no matter who I talked with, I could not get away from the daily torture that had suddenly become my reality. I admit that there were times when the pain was so bad that I actually considered the alternative to living. I have never been so desperate — and I have never felt so alone. And the worst part of it was that nobody seemed to understand what had happened — least of all me. I had given everything to my husband, and I loved him with all of my heart, all of my soul, and with every nerve cell and fiber of my being. Where had I gone so wrong? Why did the man I loved treat me so badly? How could I have been so blind?

The questions ran round and round my head — taunting me, poking at my wounds and eating away at my confidence. Yes, I judged myself over and over again, much more harshly than even the meanest jury — and it hurt. It hurt like hell. People would tell me with the best of intentions that things go wrong in even the best marriages. They assured me that I would eventually pull through. They promised that I would heal and they even dared to venture that one day I would find love again. But I couldn’t hear them — I wouldn’t hear them. I convinced myself that mine was no ordinary marriage. I told myself that I had been lucky enough to find true love — and stupid enough to ruin it. That my husband was one in a million. That I’d never ever feel so safe and so loved ever again. Oh yes, my mind did a really good job on me in the beginning!

For me, the turning point came some ten weeks after he vanished from my life the evening I discovered his betrayals, when an old friend emailed me with the suggestion that my estranged husband was in fact a sociopath. I was in bed at the time, another restless night, bloodshot puffy eyes and the heavy heart that had become my constant companion. The email had arrived on my iPhone — I had never heard the word sociopath before and I started to get curious. I quickly found Dr Hare’s checklist and my eyes widened as I ticked off just about every point. A few minutes later I found the Lovefraud website, and was both horrified and relieved to find out that I was not alone. As I read the countless stories from people, just like me, who had also been lured and conned by a heartless sociopath, I started to believe that perhaps I could wake up from my living nightmare. Knowing that it was not me who had been stupid, realizing that I had been a deliberate target, and understanding that I had found a place where people shared my experiences and empathized with my pain, I took my first faltering steps on the slow road to recovery.

It’s Personal Now

I’m not saying that it was easy — far from it in fact. But from that moment I decided to keep focused on the fact that I had not been dealing with a ”˜normal’ person. I distanced myself from the last connecting emotions that were binding me to him, and concentrated instead on my own feelings. I knew in that moment that in order to heal myself, I would need to confront my own emotional patterns — many of which were still subconscious. I would need to venture in to the parts of me that I had locked up and hidden away. To open up old scars I thought had healed long ago — and to take a long honest look at who I was and how I had become such an attractive target.

From that moment on I became a friend to myself. The self-berating stopped — as did the vulture-like questions that had circled me for so many weeks. No more did I question why this had happened or what I had done to deserve such a cruel betrayal. Instead I focused on how I could move myself through the pain and re-claim my life. In a very short time I even dared to start considering what sort of life I’d like to create for myself — going in to great detail about how I would feel once I’d achieved it. I didn’t think about how it might happen or what I might need to do — nope, I just focused on how I would like to feel. I even managed a laugh when I realized just how divorced my chosen feelings were from the ones I was currently experiencing!

That was when I realized that, against all my best intentions, I alone had been keeping myself a prisoner in my misery. Yes, you read it right — the gatekeeper, the warden was not him at all”¦ it was ME. Because I’d kept on torturing myself long after he had gone.

So I had a choice. To support myself through what I knew was going to be a difficult journey, or to keep asking myself hurtful questions that only served to keep me stuck in my suffering. I chose the first option.

Dealing With The Practicalities

At that time I was absolutely penniless. I had closed our business, I had no work and to top it all I was strapped up in a full leg-brace because I’d had an accident and torn the cruciate ligament in my left knee. I couldn’t drive, I could hardly walk, and I had no idea how on earth I was going to survive — let alone support my son. But I focused on the things I knew that I could do — and one of the first things was to re-claim my home. I threw out anything and everything that reminded me of him, and I put up all the photographs and ornaments that I’d hidden away because he hadn’t liked them. I hobbled around the village and collected fruit from the trees, teaching myself how to make jams and chutneys that I knew I could give to friends for Christmas presents. I kept firmly focused on the idea that I was taking control of my life — of who I was and of how I chose to live — and my internal mantra became “everything I need is already within me” so that, even though the bills were coming thick and fast, I refused to be overwhelmed. I kept on top of my finances by selling everything I didn’t need on Ebay — it’s really quite amazing what some people will buy! It’s true that one person’s rubbish is gold to another — thank goodness!

All the time that I was doing the practical stuff, I also went deeply in to my emotional healing. I read and re-read all my self-development books (Louise L Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” being a particularly old and trusted favorite), I scoured the internet for positive stories, and I learned all I could about sociopathy. I devoured stories that inspired me — personal, honest accounts from people who had overcome difficulties, as well as stories from people who had been through a similar set of experiences as my own. I chose my friends, and only spent time with people who energized me, refusing to deal with the mood-hoovers who threatened to sap my positivity and bring me down. I ate healthily and I made sure to get out and about as often as I could — I became quite the expert at shuffling along on my crutches!

It was by no means straight forward, and I fell at many hurdles along the way. But I remained focused and determined — and always gave myself credit for even the tiniest of steps. And slowly, slowly I started to heal. I was open, honest and gentle with myself at every step of the way. When, some days, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, I would stay there. No guilt, no beat-up, just the acknowledgement that my body was telling me to rest. When I felt overcome with emotion, I would let it happen. Never again was I going to stay quiet or bottle up painful feelings that just needed to come out. So, yes, there were times when I encouraged myself to shout, sob and wail until I was exhausted. Times when I let myself sink in to the pain and hurt — knowing that each time I did so another part of me would heal.

And it worked.

Slowly slowly I began to re-connect with myself. Little by little I started to re-claim my life and bit-by-bit I once again dared to start dreaming. I began to like the reflection I saw in the mirror, and I made sure every day to be thankful for all the good things that were around me — even if on the bad days the only thing I could find to be grateful for was the fact I was still breathing! I stuck loads of messages of support around my home — some from friends, as well as messages to myself. Everywhere I looked there were reminders that I AM ok, that I AM loved and that I AM surrounded by friends who care. In the process I lost some friends, made some new ones, and deepened connections with many old friends who happened to re-appear in my life. I blessed the daily miracles that were helping to transform my life and I re-awakened my belief in magic.

Where I Am Now

Today, two and a half years on from that soul-defining evening when I discovered the truth, I am chuffed to bits to tell you that my life now is better than I could ever have imagined. My business is once again up and running (better and more profitable than ever it was when I ran it with my ex!), I have lost 25lbs in weight (the fat is just melting away), I am authoring here on this site, I have just landed a book deal with an international publisher, and my social life is richer than it’s ever been before. I am happy, content, safe and hugely excited for the future.

So I’m here to tell you that you CAN make it through. If I can do it, then you can too. I’m here as living proof that the human soul is stronger than we think — and that we CAN heal, no matter how devastating or overwhelming the damage might seem at the time. As I said, I experienced many moments when I thought it would be better to die — and, in a way, I suppose I have ”˜died’. Because when I look back now at the person I was when I was trapped in such a toxic relationship, I simply cannot recognize myself. And now, as I review the journey I’ve taken since then, I am filled with pride and love for myself for achieving so much. Yes, maybe the old me died — but it’s been worth it, because now I am living in paradise, and I know the best is yet to come!

I hope this has been helpful — I would be happy to answer any questions so please feel free to email me at [email protected].

With much love and blessings to all.

 


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128 Comments on "Reaching Out And Healing"

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Beautifully written, Mel. Very inspiring…this is exactly what I needed to hear today….I’m almost there, thank you!

Mel –

I’m so glad to hear that you have gotten your feet back underneath you.
I find it very fitting that as I sat here and read your post I am listening to Billy Joel “My Life”.

It’s been 18 months since I left my very toxic cheating lying Spathex (even tho I know for a fact he’s still stalking me online – monitoring my activity – but you know what? I don’t care!)
I have a LIFE!
I too believe that I have come out stronger and for the better because of it. yeah, it sucks and still hurts once in awhile to actually think that I believe in him – in us.
But, I am so much healthier and happier!

Plus – it’s a good way to find out exactly who you are and who your friends are.

Towanda to you!

Cheers!

Mel,
very inspirational post! thank you. The run in with the spath seems like the worst thing that ever happened, until you realize that they are everywhere and the spath simply opened your eyes to the evil that was already in your life.

Mel. Thank you. Im hopeful. The journey never ends.

mel,

This is a good article to print out, reading it in my spare time. It’s encouraging, giving hope to those of us who are still struggling.

Well done Mel, I gave myself a pat on the back only the other day, told myself I’ve got this far after 6 years, getting my children through their private schools and I only have another 18 months and then I am finally free of the spath.

The next time someone tells me ‘he didn’t mean it, he can’t be that bad, you are exaggerating’ blah, blah, they should understand these individuals know exactly what they are:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2031406/Rapist-Graeme-Jarman-wanted-murder-spinster-Judith-Richardson-77.html

Mel, thank you for your post.

Great post Mel! It’s a matter of taking control of your life and what is happening in it. Something I have been doing for a year now and I’m not stopping any time soon.

It is easy to get down, be hard on yourself and believe all the bad things. Harder still sometimes to look for the good in life, chalk it up to experience and move on.

We will all get there one day. Standing at the top of our worlds, screaming with pleasure and delight at how great things are. Too bad the spath’s will never know or feel the joy or exuberant happiness we share. They are really missing out on a great time!

Thank you Mel. I make sure to read at least one LF post from top to bottom per day. Today was busy, so this was the top-to-bottom for me and I am glad I read it….

Oh, gee, I am nowhere near where you are, but these sorts of stories are like the fuel, the hope….

This was just what I needed to read today, too. Thanks so much for taking the time to write it. Those of us who are still struggling NEED the hope!!
For months, I’ve tried to get the spath out of my life by telling him goodbye, that I officially can no longer speak to him, etc. It never works. He’ll either reach out to me again, or I’ll do it myself during a moment of weakness. (Sad but true.)
So my friend thinks I should try a different approach: Just stop responding. That’s what I’ve done today, and he’s starting to wonder what’s up. I’m getting more and more baffled texts from him.
And part of me feels rude for handling it this way.
Do I deserve to give him an explanation? We were just chatting like normal yesterday, and now I’m simply…gone. Then again, he hurts me every time we talk. Every. Time. So I fear that if I try to explain that I’m done, it just won’t work again.
Is this the right way to FINALLY end this horrible relationship? Because with every fiber of my being, I want to end it.

Wow, Mel! You did it again. How is it that you connect with me so well. I just got back from my therapy session and I have been balling my eyes out. This article popped up on FB at the perfect moment. Funny how things happen that way.

I am stuck in the, “That was when I realized that, against all my best intentions, I alone had been keeping myself a prisoner in my misery. Yes, you read it right ”“ the gatekeeper, the warden was not him at all” it was ME. Because I’d kept on torturing myself long after he had gone.”, stage.

It has been 16 years this fall since he left me and I am still at a loss as to what it was about me that made him think he could treat me that way.

I think I am now done torturing myself. This healing journey took a very bad turn for me today, but I am grateful that your post pulled me out of a very, very dark place. I’m tired of living in the shame. I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough. I’m tired of thinking that he was the end all be all and that I wound up with mediocricy. I don’t care anymore how successful he is or how well he treats his wife. I am done. (or at least I so desperately want to be)

I have two choices right now. Either I’m done with all this crap or I die. There is no other way. I want to be happy. I want to live to enjoy my beautiful family. I can’t let him or my shame steal any more of my precious time with them.

Simply, Thank You for being out there and sharing your story. It helps more than you will ever know.

Aliciad

I totally understand what you are saying! I did basically the same thing with mine. Every single time I spoke to him, he hurt me. Then one day I just told him that I need space and to please back off for a little while. Any NORMAL boyfriend would probably be kind, though maybe hurt, but more concerned than anything. Instead he went bonkers and sent me an email that I posted here in LF and others found disturbing. That was the first time that I got confirmation that I wasn’t nuts for being unnerved by him. There was something actually worth being unnerved for.

So I never told him why. I just kinda tried to sneak out while he was sleeping, so to speak. I would, if it worked, probably swear the moon to this guy if that would get him distracted long enough that I could bolt out the back door. Now he’s posting all over the internet that I am bipolar, because I “loved him in the morning” and then “needed space” in the evening. He’s calling me all sorts of stuff on yahoo answers (whoopie do) and yet simultaneously sending me emails claiming to still love me.

I really really think you should cut him off and go NC. I know how hard it is. I, myself, was stuck in this cycle of trying to run, and then halfway out the door feeling like I was going to shatter into a million pieces if I kept running, so I’d go back. This was my fear. This was what he had turned me into. He had deliberately terrified me to the point that I actually thought leaving him would somehow be harder than staying with him. He’s threatened legal action if I tried to use legal action to protect myself when he tried stalking me on one occasion in which I tried to go NC. He basically tricked me into think that leaving him was more dangerous and detrimental to my livelihood than staying with him. But he hurt me. Every. Single. Day. Just like you say!

Aliciad, my heart really goes out to you, because you are still with him. Going NC after being a yo-yo for over a year was a really hard step for me. It’s hard. And maybe he is puzzled by your decision now, since you’re not responding. But I want you to be prepared for some things (cause these spaths oddly seem to do the same crap for whatever reason). He MIGHT show up on your doorstep claiming the sweetest of loves for you. Be ready for that. He might bring roses. He might make other people call you. Mine would do all this and also start sending emails to himself as women claiming to have seen him at a party and fallen head over heels for him. He was trying to get me jealous or distort me into think other women liked him and that I must be crazy if I don’t think he is a God too. (Many of these women called him a God, but he wrote every single one of those emails I learned later.)

So, be ready. Be ready for 400 phone calls in one day, or 1000 emails, or him on your doorstep or standing outside the house. Be ready for a Mexican band to be outside your window playing music while he sings some sappy song. Be ready for him to say YOU are nuts for not talking to him. Be ready to be called cruel and unfair and crazy yourself. Be ready for his friends to contact you and tell you that you’re hurting this poor nice guy who is just in love with you and cannot understand what he did wrong. Be ready for people to follow you.

But do not talk to this guy if he hurts you every day. You don’t deserve that. Run like the wind. And then run some more. Keep running. Let him say or do whatever he wants, but run.

And if you feel like you are the crazy one because you were talking nicely to him one minute and then decided ENOUGH OF THIS and stopped talking the next, this doesn’t mean you are doing the yo-yo.

As Skylar so memorably told me: You aren’t DOING the yo-yo. You ARE the yo-yo.

Freaking run.

I really hope this gets better for you. Wish I could help. I’m just about a week into NC and he’s thrown a lot of curve balls aleady. It’s not easy, but IT IS SOOOOOO WORTH IT.

@ aliciad456:
That is exactly how I got my Spath to leave me alone. I put in writing “NO CONTACT” and started ignoring all of his messages and texts and it drove him insane! He started getting more threatening and that is when I printed them all out and took it down to the police station. They called him and told him to stop contact. It worked, except for one last word (of course) and then he disappeared and changed his number. It’s worth a shot…mine said that he would haunt me forever…haven;t heard a word in 6 weeks. It is also a good way to make yourself accountable for the NO CONTACT as well, if you are having trouble in that area.

Stay strong and take control…there is nothing that a Spath hates more than to be ignored!!!!

Alicad…

Please heed the advice you are being given.

No contact is the MOST humane and thoughtful thing you can do in the context of a sociopathic encounter.

Talking and reason DO NOT WORK. He is a ONE WAY communication device. Nothing but nothing will reach him. So you have to stop trying.

He will take every opportunity to inflict injury on your heart and mind. His love-bombing is only a set up to get close enough to put another pin in your heart.

Change your #’s, block him from all addresses and social networking venues. STOP communicating with him.

It is honestly the only way you will begin to be able to get sane again. He will make sure, if you continue to try and be a normal and reasonable person with him, that you LOSE.

He needs everyone around him to lose. Either outright, or in subtle energy draining ways, that are so insidious you’re half dead before you notice.

SAVE YOUR LIFE! Do it now. Please….

GREAT ARticle, Mel! Thanks for sharing your wonderful insights!

Hello all,

I have a question which I hope one of you might be able to shed some light on. I’ve been involved with a sociopath for about 5 years and have probably experienced every emotion that there is…mostly despair but also an unhealthy obsession with needing him in my life. Even though I’ve been hurt too many times to even count, I always felt that we’d be tied to one another in some way because of the drama that has occurred in his life of which I was a part.

After finding out about yet more lies, deceitfulness and other women, I thought I’d play it “cool” when he texted me to invite me over one day. I informed him that I had a date and asked if I could have a raincheck. (I never really had a date but for all he knew, it could have been with one of my girlfriends.) Anyway, the only thing he said was “have fun” and I haven’t heard from him since. This happened about 3 months ago.

I honestly thought that he’d be trying to call, contact me, etc. but it’s like I don’t even exist for him anymore. I’ve planned to bump into him but he barely acknowledges me and has moved on. I am so stunned…I thought that what I said would get his attention and after hearing how so many of you are being hounded by your ex’s, he would do the same.

Needless to say, my plan backfired and I know that I should be grateful that he’s out of my life, but each day seems to get harder instead of easier. I would much rather have him yell and scream than to realize that he could care less about me. I suppose I have some kind of addiction and my mind tells me I’m so lucky to be away from him, but my heart and emotions are so raw that it’s hard to even make it through the day.

So, does anyone have any insight as to why he just dropped me after 5 years and never tried to contact me? The reason why I’m so upset is because I’m the one who caused the split and I realize that I really can’t contact him now…I wouldn’t even know what to say.

Any suggestions? Thank you for listening to me.

Dear Baltimore,

And you want a person who has HURT YOU REPEATEDLY to come back into your life WHY?????

It is obvious to me that you are aware that your desire for him to contact you, and to “play games” with you, is not “normal” or “good.”

Now that he is out of your life, I think you should 1) thank your lucky stars he is gone and not stalking you and 2) start figuring out why you crave the company of someone who is obviously hurtful to you, and 3) why you are so invested in this “game” of telling him lies and expecting him to do the push/pull dance of an unhealthy relationship.

Welcome to LoveFraud…I suggest you start in the archives about healing and work on yourself. It is where we all end up anyway…it may start out about them, but ends up being about ourselves and our healing. Good luck.

baltimore:

Join my club. Mine did the same thing to me.

I can tell you exactly why he is not contacting you…he has someone else. You already said you knew about the other women and all the lies. He just has someone else right now, but I am sure he will contact you again when he becomes bored with whoever he is with. But if/when he does, you must remain strong and ignore him. Trust me…I feel exactly like you…I could have almost written your post so I feel for you, I really do. It hurts very badly. My thoughts are with you.

Baltimore,
5 years, 25 years or 5 days. They have an equal amount of attachment regardless. That attachment is based on how much they think they can control you.

When you said, “I have a date.” THAT WAS PRICELESS. There must’ve been an angel on your shoulder that told you what to do. They understand that emotions are the key to controlling you and if you are already dating, then they know you are lost to them because your emotions have detached from them.

He probably scratched you off his little black book as absent mindedly as I scratch my ass. All the drama you experienced together was MEANT to bond you to him. He probably set most of it up and it wasn’t real. He had no investment in you, except as a game.

There is only one thing you left hanging. There is the issue of the narcissistic injury you caused him, when you said you had a date. They harbor resentments a long time. I hope he forgets about this one – but I doubt it.

I think he has written it on his calendar to get back in touch with you in a year. When he does, he will set out to punish you severely. If you think things were bad before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Each time I left my spath and was drawn back in, he hatched an even more diabolical plot to destroy me. Once you leave a spath, NEVER go back. It’s very dangerous.

Baltimore, Be careful what you wish for. Been there done that. Leave well enough alone. What your feeling is normal. Hang in there and dont jump back on that rollercoaster.

Baltimore…..I’d chalk it up to….”Well…that was easy”!!!!!
You are experiencing the emotions of grief…..bottom line is…..allow the grieving process and remove your ego from it all!
You said he wasn’t good for you……BOTTOM LINE….RUN and be damn thankful for this outcome!
It is an addiction…..get help for it. Quit playing games with YOURSELF….it’s a dangerous way to live (that’s the ego part).

Get down on your knees and kiss the ground…..YOUR OUT!
Now allow the process of healing. It takes time darlen!

XXOO
EB

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Baltimore – we get hooked chemically on the drama and truama – you can learn to unhook yourself. very good book to read is ‘the betrayal bond’.

you are just jonesing for a ‘hit’. ignore it. ignore it again and again and move on to working on breaking the bond. you really CAN have a life.

Baltimore….

They RUN when they know and realize that you are “on to them” and that you aren’t going to take their “sh%t” anymore.
By you telling him that you are going on a “date”, you blew his ego…and he got angry…because he knows he is losing his good source of “supply”—YOU! You took his crap, stayed with him “knowing” he was a cheater and liar. When you finally show that you aren’t going to take it anymore…they RUN!!!

I’ve been through this with several different socios I have been invblved with. I was a socio-magnet…attracted to the charming, rich, good-looking, charismatic DANGEROUS socios out there! And they targetted me..young,pretty, successful, had money….sweet, caring, and giving.

My x did the SAME thing…and then, in a few months..when things aren’t working out with someone else…they start “lovebombing” you again…and you think–“Gee, he really loves me..he came back…” and so you will go back to the cheater that NEVER changes!!!

You are only upset because HE ran. He ran before YOU could leave him and dump him…but, in reality, you DID dump him by telling him you are dating someone else.

Believe me, its “killing” him…not because he “loves” you…but because you are now ON to him and taking a stand to NOT put up with his cheating and lying.You beat him to the punch.

I know its hard because of how they abruptly exit (run)…but I hope you feel more worthwhile as a human being than to settle for a cheating lying sociopath who is disordered and can never love you.

You deserve true love and in time…it will come. But, not if you waste another 5 yrs with a sick deceptive fake.

tobehappy

I wish with all my might that mine would run.

Well, technically, he is running….towards me with an ax, so to speak. I’m currently the target of his major stalking campaign and working overtime to stop it. Ignoring him doesn’t work. I’m shutting things down, closing accounts, speaking with police and cyber detectives. Yet he won’t stop trying. Now he’s talking about a smear campaign: contacting my family and telling them all sorts of things about me that are either made up, inflated, or altered. I really wish he would run away, but I think he’s got his directions mixed up. Ehem, excuse me spath, but the door is over THERE please!

With all my ‘best’ efforts, the one that works is to act like he must come back for me to ever be happy… that’s what I let him think what few times he contacts me, then he is satisfied that I’m still miserable and leaves me alone for a long time. I don’t know. If I leave the idea of ‘good ridence’ he won’t let go.

I hope everyone is well, I see alot of new names! I’m glad that you all have found people who really do get it!

Shabbychic, I hope you are doing great.

Hens, I have thought of you often, I dreamed you showed up to see me with a great big bear hug! You were wearing a space suit… I’m guessing because of the moon times!!:) I’ve always wanted to meet you and it was such a good dream. My wing is mending finally… although it took seeing some scary traits and moments with my oldest boy.:( I was so afraid for my youngest, that it really hadn’t dawned on me that my oldest could … I’ve accepted it quite well though. I wonder if my experience wasn’t to prepare me for facing the hollow in my son.

Thank you all for being my human strength while I had none of my own. I never would have made it this far if it had not been for you and the Lord of course!

With all of my heart, I love and pray for you
It’s me

Dear It’sme – That wasnt a dream ~! I was there in my space suit giving you a big bear hug cause your special and dont ever forget that ~!

Baltimore-you may feel like your plan backfired, but it is a blessing in disguise. Something had you searching sociopath that brought you here. Keep reading, you’ll find what you need to understand here. Without any knowledge doesn’t common sense tell you he doesn’t love you , never did. Most people can’t just dump a dog the way be did you. I understand the dance you are in with him but find someone else to dance with. A dance of love should just flow, it shouldn’t drag you.

Baltimore – You are I think where I was a while back. Wow. Maybe the reason he is ignoring you, in part, is because he somehow knew that it would upset you. I just would guess that if you are in pain and his actions, one way or another, are leading to this pain, then he probably did that on purpose.

I also agree that he has another woman.
I also agree that he will be back when she either gets boring or he needs someone to use to make her jealous (sounds like an spath dream: kill two birds with one stone).

And I agree with everyone that you need to kiss the ground, be thankful, never go back, and start healing. Get off this addiction. I can really relate. We all can. It’s really hard.

Someone in here said that going back to an spath is like going back inside a burning house just to see if it’s still on fire.

I like that analogy. Yes, it’s still on fire.

Hi,

My name is Dawn. I spent 16 months with what I have come to believe is a sociopath. I’m two weeks into therapy, medicated with anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs. Nobody believes me but my therapist, and she is the one that named his disorder. No one I know truly believes the things this man has said and done to me, and for them sociopaths only exist in horror movies and novels.

So here I am. I need to be with people who know and understand.

Dear Dawn,

Welcome to LoveFraud, I’m sorry you have to be here but if you need to be here, this is THE place to be. Good information (you must LEARN ABOUT PSYCHOPATHS, so read the articles in the archives and some of the books about psychopaths) and learn to validate yourself. you do not have to have someone else believe the truth for it to be TRUE! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, so take back your power! (((hugs))) and God bless you. The people here KNOW where you are coming from…it is nice to know you are NOT alone!

Hello Ox Drover,

It’s good to meet you. I’ve done a lot of reading since my first visit with my therapist. Obsessive reading, really. I understand the nature of the beast though it has not completely sunk in. The information here is amazing and I’m happy to have found you all.

Dawn

Welcome Dawn,
So sorry for your encounter, but you’ve come to the right place to learn and to heal.

Hi Dawn,

I just wandered in here only about 1 month ago myself. I know what you mean by NO ONE understanding or believing you.

Then I came to this place and realized that the only people who truly get it are others who have been through it with an spath.

Like Ox said, I wish you didn’t have to be here. The sheer size of this group actually makes me so upset, because I think of all the people here and then just imagine that there must be at least this many spaths running around destroying lives. I wish this website/blog was made redundant and had no need to exist. Until then, here we are, the survivors.

I think horror movies set us all up. When I finally told my mom, she was perplexed, still is. They just see an ax murderer when you say sociopath or psychopath. The hardest part is the people who have MET or spoken to the person you are now telling them did all those things, because sociopaths really do not look the part.

Another hard thing is the way people throw that word around. I know that disgruntled ex girlfriends and boyfriends throw out, “Oh, he/she was a total psychopath!” Then when we use this same word, people kinda laugh, thinking oh we must be just holding a bitter grudge. So far, I’ve dealt with this by stopping for a moment, reminding myself that they don’t mean any harm, waiting for their rolling eyes and giggling to stop, and then saying, “No, I mean a real one.” Then comes some silence as they just look at you for a minute.

These people are fantastic Dawn and welcome! I hope this place helps. Read through all the literature on healing and being hooking by an spath (that’s what has helped me) and stay tight with the people in here. They are a wealth of information.

Hello everyone and THANK YOU Mel for this story.

I am new here. I have been reading this website for about 5 months now. This article from Mel, really hit home with me. I would like to share my story with you, in hopes that it will help someone else like myself identify the signs and hopefully you won’t feel alone any longer”.This is a bit long, feel free to jump around”.
I was married to my spathex for 4 years. I saw red flags before marriage, but chose to ignore them. Outbursts and the like. I met him through my work. He was newly single (his girl friend of many years had just moved out of the state to get away from him). I was divorced for about a year from my first husband who switched teams, literally, to my surprise.

Then single and taking care of my 2 small children and my ailing mother who was also living with me at the time, and dealing with my first ex-husbands new lifestyle. I was exhausted. My spath preyed on me at a time in my life when I was vulnerable. But from my eyes, he was my knight in shining armor. He gave me a bit of distraction from the craziness in my life. He was sexy. Light blue eyes, charming, confident, lover of sports and many seemed to really like him. What I didn’t know, was his past. He was a recovering alcoholic who hadn’t drank in over 10 years but lied and started drinking when we began dating, stating that he just started and can control it now, not like in his early 20’s. He had domestic charges from his ex-girl friend, assault charges from previous fights with men. I was blind. He encouraged me to sell my house and move in with him after 6 months, we were then married at one year. So fast, I know now.

The games started immediately. He would be mad if I wanted to go out with my co-workers after work for a drink. If invited friends over, he would make it miserable so they wouldn’t want to ever come back. I could only take phone calls during the day when he wasn’t around. Evening time was for him. He then started getting mad if I spent too much time with my children, from my first marriage.

He was jealous or angry if I didn’t text or call him constantly on the phone throughout the day. Thought that I was having an affair every time I left the office on a sales call and came back later than expected, which was all day long! Told me I had to wear clothing that didn’t come in a V-neck any longer, as too sexy and that was what all the men were looking at. He was later fired from his position for lying about something, I never got the full story. Within a couple days, after that, I was offered another marketing position with another company in my same town, and he encouraged me to take that. But later became angry as this new position opened me up to meeting even more new people and having more fun, without him. My co-workers couldn’t stand him. I then had to keep some of my events that I had to attend a secret, to keep him from getting angry. Somehow, he always found out.

The police were at our home many times but I just asked them to have him removed or taken to his parents. We live in a small town, and I didn’t want the public to know, as they publish everything in our local paper. I have a job where I work with many people in our community and I didn’t want them to know the “weak” woman. To many in my community, I am the strong, smiling, happy, and confident woman, but that all changed when I would walk in my door at home.
Every time he would abuse me, he would apologize and beg me to come home. I would believe him and I was scared. He threatened to kill me if I ever left him.

Well, after 4 years, I gathered the strength and I did it anyway. I moved all our stuff out while he was at work one Tuesday morning. And the Sherriff served divorce papers as he pulled in the driveway. I took all the debt, ALL of it, so he wouldn’t come after me and so that he wouldn’t break any more things in the house. He walked away a free man. Divorced in about 4 months.
That sounds great, but the relationship didn’t end. I wasn’t living with him, but we secretly kept in contact, my family would have disowned me if they knew. I believed that maybe we could work this out and may be down the road we would someday be together again. I truly believed him. I forgot about all the pain and sorrow he caused in my life and more importantly, my children’s lives. When my children were at their dad’s, I would spend the weekend with him, and some nights became scary, but he was controlling his anger to keep me there.

After about a year after I had moved out, we were still seeing one another secretly. But then he started seeing a girl friend about 4 months ago. He lied about it at first but then he said did that because I wasn’t fulfilling his needs, you know it was my fault, again. Since then, we had been still secretly together until last month. He kept telling me he was going to break up with her, but couldn’t yet. He would tell me she call him enough or spend any time with him and that I just needed to hang on and wait for him. But why? What was I getting out of this relationship? Sex was amazing, but that was it. No true companionship. What he didn’t know is that his cell phone records are still coming to me and I could clearly see that wasn’t true. I finally had the strength, to tell him no more. And now, for a week now, began the no contact.

After reading so many stories here, I now get it. He was using me. But I am still weak. I still have this sick feeling in my stomach, even though I am angry with him, I still miss something. Why is that? He drives by my house on the way to the golf course with his girlfriend. He has moved on, and I am still sitting here. He is doing things with her that he never did with me. I have to admit I am jealous. But tell me why? I should be glad that he is out of our lives, right? But why do I hang on? I am a smart and successful woman. What is wrong with this picture? I am worried that this other woman is prettier or thinner than me. Does that make sense?? NO!!!!

My friends, my coworkers or my family don’t understand why this is still hurting me. They said, be glad he is with someone else now. You’re free! Your children are thriving, which they are! I have a hard time not thinking about him several times a day. Time”Time”Time. I know.

He texted me 3 days ago that since I had not responded to any of his texts since last Wednesday, that he told me he misses me and just wants to be my friend, but he would leave me alone from now on. I didn’t respond.
I have to mention that I have a large bunch of girl friends that have given me strength and who have been there for me, even though they don’t understand. And I have had more fun these last 4 months that I have had in a long time. I have had a freedom that I haven’t had in a long time. And in the last year, I have been able to spend quality time with my children that I was never able to before. I have gotten attention from several men, but I still can’t and am not ready for a relationship until I am healed. And I really don’t think it’s fair to bring anyone into my children’s lives again, until they are grown.

So my question is”..What the hell is wrong with me?? And how long is this gonna take?? I am not crying but feel like an addict!?! I have got to move on. So why is it so damn hard? I understand from all the blogs and articles that I have written. And hearing so many people with the same story, as mine, I wanted to post my thank you to all of you, for helping me get to this point in my life. These are baby steps but I am getting there. This story by Mel really hit home for me today. And reading the responses from so many that are right where I am, helps me gain strength. This group of individuals on this website are the few who truly understand. And I am thankful.

P.S. Sorry so long. Just had to release my story.

Dear Deb,

YOU ARE AN ADDICT AND THAT’S WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY….he has chemically addicted you to the drama. READ AND READ AND READ more and more of the articles about “what is a sociopath” and about healing, and GIVE YOURSELF TIME.

There is a great book I recommend called “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes, it is about how our brains become addicted to them and their drama. The sex causes releases of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so you are right, you ARE an addict, but you can over come this just like I quit smoking. But even now, two years later, sometimes I want a cigarette! But I have not and will not smoke…or allow anyone else to abuse me. You can do it, you are at the right place with the right encouragement. Glad you also have some friends in the real world. They may not understand but it is still supportive to have them. Good luck. and Again, welcome to LF! God bless.

Panther…most people think that the definition of a “sociopath” is a serial killer.

I just tell people that I was involved with an abuser,con-artist, pathological liar, theif, and cheater.
Or I tell them that I was married to “Scott Peterson”, since
he even looked like him..a bit more handsome…His eyes were hypnotic….This they can understand.

Even my lawyer said to me during the divorce…”I can’t put my finger on it…but he is one strange and scary man…I would run as far away from him as possible and don’t expect a thing from him…”

Funny, but the first time I met him…I couldn’t put my finger on what was “weird” about him. I thought he was high on pot…because of his “laugh” at everything…

He did have “inappropriate laughter’…which I addressed with his mom prior to marrying him. If you tell him someone died or was hurt…he bursts out laughing…..omg…he was so weird.

I never wanted him back when I told him our marriage was over. I don’t even think I ever really loved him…or liked him for very long. I only liked the illusion of him I created in my mind.

The xbf wasn’t abusive…just sneaky and lied too much by ommission…

As I heal, I am more attracted to “normal” men. I see red flags and I listen to them…never doubt my intuition again!
`

People will sometimes laugh when they are nervous…I’ve seen and heard the nervous laughter before…I even do it myself sometimes.

Thats what his mother said. But, we all do that. His was different. When I would look at him and say…”Whats so funny that a middle school boy died while running track?”…He would say…”Thats funny, no?”

He was diagnosed by a very competent professional…who told me NOT to take him back…a few weeks prior to the divorce, when he begged me…(only to get the court order for 20k dismissed..then he would leave me again!)…and this therapist said…” He has NO empathy…he is INCAPABLE of loving ….and in all my years I have never told anyone to divorce. I’m telling you to RUN from this man.”

I’m glad I did.

My girls would not be honor students who are happy all of the time. He would have destroyed their self esteem and they would have learned to take abuse!

dear 2B,

I”m glad you LISTENED to that therapist! I have NOT listened to warnings too many times. You are right though, now I listen to my own instinct and any warnings I have from others as well.

Louise, your post above about “sometimes people laugh when they are nervous” is a perfect example of “dismissing” our intuitions by looking at it from a perspective of “I sometimes laugh when I am nervous, therefore when others laugh inappropriately, they are probably like me.”

WE have empathy and WE have compassion, and WE laugh when we are nervous, therefore we ASSUME that others are the same, but they are NOT. (Not putting you down here BTW just showing how good people can attribute their OWN goodness to others who don’t deserve it.)

The two wiener girls and I are so sad. We miss Harley so much, this really hurt’s, I thought I was prepared for this. I have to go away (work) for a few days, I can take the girls with me, Harley loved to go..it’s gonna be hard to leave him here all alone.

Oxy,
OMG! What a real eye opener your last post was to me. I read what Louise wrote and said to my husband “sometimes I laugh when I get nervous” Never realizing your whole point above! Thank you.

Hens,
He will be with you all in spirit! Just because he crossed over doesn’t mean he’s not with you, where ever you go 🙂

Ana, yep, we think that we are like others and others are like us, but that is not necessarily so. We use our own feelings to “rationalize” what we think they may be feeling or thinking, and give them the benefit of the doubt!

Thank you all so much for your insight and advice…you can’t believe how good it feels to realize that other people know exactly how you feel, because otherwise, I’d be terribly alone. There is absolutely no one that knows about my situation and it’s so hard to pretend that life is just peachy fine in front of my family, co-workers, friends, etc.

Ox Drover- I know you’re right…I need to figure out why I’m so attracted to this unhealthy relationship. It’s a problem with ME that I have to address!

Louise- I agree with you…I am sure he has a few others but I’m just so shocked that after 5 years I meant so little to him. I’m glad you can relate to me because I feel like my reactions are so abnormal!! Thanks for your understanding!

Skylar- It’s interesting what you said about the drama binding us. And in a weird, warped way, I think that’s what I’m missing-my life seems so boring and uneventful, albeit consistent. It’s also interesting that you brought up the narcissistic issue…I hope I have the strength to heed your advice and never go back if he should call. For some reason though, I just don’t think he’ll make the first move so I’m praying that I’ll overcome the temptation.

Hens- Thank you for reminding me that what I’m feeling is normal :). I was beginning to feel like a real freak!

Erin Brock- You’re right…I feel like I’m totally addicted to him. I’ve never been addicted to ANYTHING in my life, so I’m hoping in time that the feeling will start to fade. At least I now know that it won’t be with me forever.

One Joy- Thanks for the reading recommendation…I’m going to buy it this weekend!

tobehappy- Thank you for making me realize that I indeed called the shots and in reality actually “won” the game by walking away, even though my plan didn’t work. It would have been far worse if he had dumped me!!

justus5-I plan to keep reading on this site because of all of the encouragement and good sense that I see. And thank you for reminding me that it was truly a blessing that this happened to me…better now than years from now when I’d have even more regret!

Panther-Thank you for the great analogy of the burning house! At least I know that if I ever went back, I’d have no one to
blame but myself. I would be an absolute fool to even contemplate it. I hope I’ll grow stronger each day so that the temptation will never be there!

Again, thank you all for your caring and support!

Oh Henry, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers and I will always hold you near and dear to my heart.

Baltimore,

Sugar, we start out learning about them, but we end up learning about OURSELVES….why we are vulnerable to them. In the end, we end up better, brighter, stronger and happier, so keep yer chin up and read and read and learn about them and most importantly about YOURSELF.

Until I started examining my own part in the situation (I am NOT blaming the victim though for what the other person does) I could not stop the abuse until I refused to accept it. Now, it doesn’t matter to me WHO is abusive, they do not get a second chance to do it.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

oxy and sky – think you in particular might be interested in this website: http://www.horizonresearch.org/index.php

It’sme – Thanks – I am gonna be ok. I am just a big cry baby tonite. I hope your life is going well. Hugs to you and thanks again…
Ana – I feel his spirit – I do ~!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

my boy used to visit me all the time hens…he was so beautiful. he has been gone a long time now, and i am starting to put more pictures of him up. it’s still a bit hard to do that (on of the things I need to do EMDR for is what his last hour was like, and his last 1.5 years of me nursing him. he was in renal failure, so it was very much an emotional and financial roller coaster.) i have decided to start to think of the good things whenever i start thinking of how he died.

the good ones last in our hearts forever! you’ve got a harley heart!

Awwww, Hens…my heart goes out to you. I know it’s tough.

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