From time to time, Lovefraud receives email from people who identify themselves as sociopaths. Here’s one that came in recently:
I have read your website, and i am not impressed. You give the impression that all sociopaths are murderers and haters, incapable of loving, and should be thrown away as a tragedy to the human race. You do not mention the difference between a high-functioning sociopath and a low-functioning sociopath. I happen to be a high-functioning sociopath, and your website is all lies and misguided information, and whats worse, you gain money out of creating a stigma of us, and abusing the victims of certain relationships, which although do happen, aren’t generally what high functioning sociopaths are about. Who’s the one with no conscience? I would say you.
I have no emotion, i use logic to understand what is happening. I mimic emotions of others because i know that it is important to my survival that i display emotion or otherwise people become scared. Is that really so bad? Yes, perhaps i play mind games with people because i grow so bored, but that doesn’t really harm them does it? People get over it. I don’t go out murdering puppies and kittens, and laugh like a comic villain. I may have mistreated some animals, but never with the intent of doing so. I may have hurt some people, but they get over it. I’m the one who has to pay for their hurt, they threaten my survival when they retaliate. I flirt with people a lot, but so do a lot of people, not just sociopaths. I do have some emotion, even if it is limited. I can pretend to have an emotion to convince myself. I act simply to feel.
You ’empaths’ only have emotions so that you are scared of us, when all we are are bored, and confused harmless cheeky rascals. And to point out, adult sociopaths usually stop being sociopaths after the age of 30, so its not ‘incurable’ as soon as they become an adult. You try living in a world that is black and white, where any emotion has to be forced, and you have to copy others expression, and you’re always so very bored, because i am, so bored. You can’t blame us for needing some excitement, to survive we must have a way out of our boredom. You know nothing about what you say. We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.
Born with the genes
The person who wrote this letter, I was able to determine, is an attractive young woman. I’ll ignore her mischaracterizations of Lovefraud—we are obviously well aware that sociopaths are not all murderers, because most of us were involved with sociopaths who didn’t kill anyone. Beyond that, her letter provides a good insight into the reality of sociopaths, with all their rationalizations and excuses.
Even so, I do feel sorry for them.
Sociopathy is highly genetic, and no sociopaths asked to be born they way they are. No sociopaths asked for manipulative parents or uncaring home environments that pushed them further along the path towards disorder. That’s the hand they were dealt, and it’s truly sad.
Even sadder is the fact that they don’t know it’s sad. It’s like someone born blind, who doesn’t comprehend vision. Or someone born deaf, who can’t understand what music may be. They were born with a limited or nonexistent ability to love, and whatever love they did have was probably snuffed out by their own disordered parents. Instead, they have an overactive appetite for power and control.
Like this young woman, sociopaths are aware that they are different. But most of them don’t care. In fact, they take pride in their ability to exercise power, and look down on the rest of us. We are merely marks to be exploited.
Lessen the disorder
This young woman also said that people stop being sociopaths at the age of 30. There is no scientific evidence that sociopathy can be cured. The best we can usually hope for is that sociopaths will decide to comply with the mores of society, if only because it’s in their own self-interest. They do have the power to decide that following the rules is more convenient and causes them less aggravation than violating them.
Can sociopaths actually lessen their disorder? Dr. Liane Leedom is hopeful, although she recognizes that it is extremely difficult. The fact is that many brain characteristics and functions contribute to sociopathy, and the human brain is not static. Beliefs and behaviors can cause chemical and structural changes in the brain. So if sociopaths were really committed to changing their ideas, and engaged in activities that fostered empathy, their brain structures could change. An individual willing to attempt this would probably have a lesser degree of disorder to begin with, so maybe he or she would already have seeds of caring buried within, seeds that could grow into a degree of empathy.
Inaccessible soul
I was struck by the last sentence of the letter:
We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.
I actually think that the young woman is right about this. The souls of sociopaths are buried under so much negativity—anger, hatred, aggression, coldness, envy and the desire for power—that the souls can’t be felt.
I don’t think those of us who have been damaged by sociopaths should attempt to help them. Our first duty is to ourselves, to our own health and recovery. But I believe that we’re all connected, and maybe in whatever communication we may have with a higher power, we can pray for them. It might take a long time, but maybe it will do some good.
Even if we don’t see any improvement in particular individuals, praying will help ourselves. Bitterness only prolongs our own misery and harms our own health. Perhaps offering prayers, from a safe distance, will make a difference all the way around.
skylar
Yeah, Zim, the type is a parasite that sucks you dry. I’m glad you got away from him and his crock tears.
zimzoomit
It was as if he purposely endeavored to unravel, destroy, diminish, crush..make irrelevant..EACH and EVERY MORAL concept I had held dear all my life, to the point he worked to rake apart..rent my soul, not only in my professional lives (both of them..my day job AND the bands he worked with me..for which I PAID HIM TO PERFORM in them..found him jobs), but in our personal life together.
Talk about sucking off the souls of others! He also “seduced” me into helping him shore up his failing business (I was between my contract jobs) for no pay; he went bankrupt soon after.
Yes…I will CONTINUE to expose him..whenever..wherever..however I can.
Zim
zimzoomit
Another thing..often our lives are so active-intensive, that life speeds by us so fast, that we just don’t realize what goes on around us (gesellshaft..not sure of spelling, but look up that term, also look up “anomie”), so that we don’t notice when spaths have occupied our space. That is what happened to me, I was too busy with my day job ambition to notice what he was doing..that he was short-circuiting our relationship, as he had done with two other wives before me.
When spaths are “done” with us, though we experience deep pain, maybe we should look to our Higher Power in thanks that we were released from that hell.., that we are FINALLY able to have some “down time” to “review” about what has happened to us all, because, before this happened, we often seldom had time to see what they were doing, b/c of the fast pacedness of life and what heavy responsibilities we carried.
Zim
zimzoomit
At those times when we are downtrodden, experiencing major career blocks, perhaps, or more blocks than that.., often, that is what SPATHS take advantage of..our vulnerabilities. At those times they SEE we are “easier” of whom to take advantage..seize the opportunity to prey..making us more open to MIND CONTROL, like cult leaders do. I honestly believe that this is what happened to me with my ex. Heck, he even tried to CONTROL how I spent the $ I got from an EEO settlement I won, meanwhile, turned the tables to say that I should have “put up” and “shut up” about the abuse of me on my job, when I had fought that battle strongly, proved my points and WON. Look out for FRAUDS who don’t support you emotionally/financially when you have to go through things like this. But then, I think most of you already know this.
Zim
zimzoomit
Just remember..true love isn’t supposed to hurt that much.. Don’t mean to seem “trite” .. but..
My healing songs this week are “Distant Water” and “Language of the Heart” .. David Wilcox tunes..an artist my ex apparently despised ..to “touchy feely” for him..maybe because Wilcox could ACTUALLY FEEL/CREATE while performing music, and my ex couldn’t?
Zim
zimzoomit
Any questions about those Wilcox tunes I mentioned..go to YouTube to listen to them..
Luff to all..
Zim
zimzoomit
Guess my other point is..when the SPATHS finally release us..MANY HONEST, GOOD GUYS are still out there, possibly hurt by spaths, like we were (honestly hurt, not PRETEND HURT like spaths often have us believe..) and WAITING for us..like my S.O. was for me..
There IS hope..
Have faith..love,
Zim
zimzoomit
I ask you..what A-hole would “project” on David Wilcox, a “too touchy feely” style, unless he (spath) was unable to feel/touch, honestly, himself?
Plus, my ex could NEVER write such a beautiful song, musically or lyrically..it just wasn’t, IMOP, in him.
I mean..Wilcox, in some instances, on guitar, played like Bert Jantch (sp?), knew many open tunings (like I learned, from Joni Mitchell, Eric Anderson, etc.) .. My ex knew NONE of those things when I met him..probably still doesn’t.
My ex was also a house painter and did bit carpentry jobs, though, I seriously doubt if he was BONDED or LICENSED to do those jobs.
Look for FALSE CREDENTIALS of the spaths. You most likely will find more than several.
Zim
zimzoomit
In my youth, I learned, diligently, with focus, with effort, with concentration, with discipline, the skills of my then hobby, which later brought me profit. I speak of learning several musical stringed instruments since I was age 16. I was INNOCENT then..what many would call a “folkie” or “folk musician” .. Included in those skills, I learned (from only two musicians) “open tuning” skills on guitar. Many that you may or may not recognize as “famous” artists, use same skills. Since I learned them, I’ve met FEW who employ same skills. Those who excelled in “open tunings” on guitar, included Joni Mitchell, Eric Anderson, David Wilcox, and Shawn Colvin.., among others. I was PROUD of what I had learned/accomplished..BEFORE my ex (SPATH) entered my life and CONSUMED what I had accomplished/done..seemingly to use my skills to his EVIL end.
Do NOT let the SPATH suck the life out of you!
Zim
zimzoomit
I guess that many of us wonder to this day.., in many cases, many years “after the fact” (ending) of their relationships with their spaths, as to WHY our exes (spaths) felt they could get away with lying so much..
I still occasionally wonder, “Did his mother care whether he lied, chronically, or not, as a kid?” .. If she did not care, “why did she accept/cover for his behavior?”
My ex told me, in the end, that his female niece was MOLESTED by his own father (“behind the scenes”.. at night, after she was asleep..is what I got from my ex, after he left me. I wondered then..WHY wasn’t his MAJOR CONFESSION about the MARRIED woman for whom he left me? Why focus on a WORSE topic (though it may have been true, about his niece) of incest, when, mainly, I was trying, at that time, to get to the bottom of why HE, my ex, cheated on me. Well.., it was a REPEAT PATTERN for him..he had cheated, before me, when he was married to wife # 1 and to wife #2, he cheated..each time, with a MARRIED woman……which is what he did with me, too. Only, with the one he cheated on me with, he succeeded in breaking up her marriage, which he had not been able to do the first two or three times in his life that he had tried to do that. Sick or what?
Zim