From time to time, Lovefraud receives email from people who identify themselves as sociopaths. Here’s one that came in recently:
I have read your website, and i am not impressed. You give the impression that all sociopaths are murderers and haters, incapable of loving, and should be thrown away as a tragedy to the human race. You do not mention the difference between a high-functioning sociopath and a low-functioning sociopath. I happen to be a high-functioning sociopath, and your website is all lies and misguided information, and whats worse, you gain money out of creating a stigma of us, and abusing the victims of certain relationships, which although do happen, aren’t generally what high functioning sociopaths are about. Who’s the one with no conscience? I would say you.
I have no emotion, i use logic to understand what is happening. I mimic emotions of others because i know that it is important to my survival that i display emotion or otherwise people become scared. Is that really so bad? Yes, perhaps i play mind games with people because i grow so bored, but that doesn’t really harm them does it? People get over it. I don’t go out murdering puppies and kittens, and laugh like a comic villain. I may have mistreated some animals, but never with the intent of doing so. I may have hurt some people, but they get over it. I’m the one who has to pay for their hurt, they threaten my survival when they retaliate. I flirt with people a lot, but so do a lot of people, not just sociopaths. I do have some emotion, even if it is limited. I can pretend to have an emotion to convince myself. I act simply to feel.
You ’empaths’ only have emotions so that you are scared of us, when all we are are bored, and confused harmless cheeky rascals. And to point out, adult sociopaths usually stop being sociopaths after the age of 30, so its not ‘incurable’ as soon as they become an adult. You try living in a world that is black and white, where any emotion has to be forced, and you have to copy others expression, and you’re always so very bored, because i am, so bored. You can’t blame us for needing some excitement, to survive we must have a way out of our boredom. You know nothing about what you say. We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.
Born with the genes
The person who wrote this letter, I was able to determine, is an attractive young woman. I’ll ignore her mischaracterizations of Lovefraud—we are obviously well aware that sociopaths are not all murderers, because most of us were involved with sociopaths who didn’t kill anyone. Beyond that, her letter provides a good insight into the reality of sociopaths, with all their rationalizations and excuses.
Even so, I do feel sorry for them.
Sociopathy is highly genetic, and no sociopaths asked to be born they way they are. No sociopaths asked for manipulative parents or uncaring home environments that pushed them further along the path towards disorder. That’s the hand they were dealt, and it’s truly sad.
Even sadder is the fact that they don’t know it’s sad. It’s like someone born blind, who doesn’t comprehend vision. Or someone born deaf, who can’t understand what music may be. They were born with a limited or nonexistent ability to love, and whatever love they did have was probably snuffed out by their own disordered parents. Instead, they have an overactive appetite for power and control.
Like this young woman, sociopaths are aware that they are different. But most of them don’t care. In fact, they take pride in their ability to exercise power, and look down on the rest of us. We are merely marks to be exploited.
Lessen the disorder
This young woman also said that people stop being sociopaths at the age of 30. There is no scientific evidence that sociopathy can be cured. The best we can usually hope for is that sociopaths will decide to comply with the mores of society, if only because it’s in their own self-interest. They do have the power to decide that following the rules is more convenient and causes them less aggravation than violating them.
Can sociopaths actually lessen their disorder? Dr. Liane Leedom is hopeful, although she recognizes that it is extremely difficult. The fact is that many brain characteristics and functions contribute to sociopathy, and the human brain is not static. Beliefs and behaviors can cause chemical and structural changes in the brain. So if sociopaths were really committed to changing their ideas, and engaged in activities that fostered empathy, their brain structures could change. An individual willing to attempt this would probably have a lesser degree of disorder to begin with, so maybe he or she would already have seeds of caring buried within, seeds that could grow into a degree of empathy.
Inaccessible soul
I was struck by the last sentence of the letter:
We have a soul, we just can’t access it as easily as everyone else.
I actually think that the young woman is right about this. The souls of sociopaths are buried under so much negativity—anger, hatred, aggression, coldness, envy and the desire for power—that the souls can’t be felt.
I don’t think those of us who have been damaged by sociopaths should attempt to help them. Our first duty is to ourselves, to our own health and recovery. But I believe that we’re all connected, and maybe in whatever communication we may have with a higher power, we can pray for them. It might take a long time, but maybe it will do some good.
Even if we don’t see any improvement in particular individuals, praying will help ourselves. Bitterness only prolongs our own misery and harms our own health. Perhaps offering prayers, from a safe distance, will make a difference all the way around.
Joanie:
I agree!
This “rationalization” of “boys will be boys” , turned into “porn is just a guy thing” is DAMAGING to women, and we MUST LET MALES KNOW that it is! No, it’s not just spath males who think this way. It can be as seemingly “innocent” as your first major, years-long lover, when you are young and impressionable, who has a habit of hiding Play Boy magazines under his bed, okay? Porn OBJECTIFIES women! Meanwhile, the male musician friend of mine, who said that “porn is just a guy thing”..well, he has Buddha statuary in his home, and gave me a book (of similar philosophy), as if to tell me to “forgive” and to “free your mind of these worries”.. meanwhile still CHEATING ON HIS WIFE, not divorced yet. I have not “exed” him off my FB friends list yet, but it seems he is still BLIND to how porn OBJECTIFIES women.
On another note, another of my FB male friends, who has been a friend to my S.O. for years, ..he is an expert luthier, though an alcoholic, and I have witnessed him abusive to me, on one occasion, when he was drunk. It is sometimes difficult for me to maintain my friendship with him. I think I mostly do so because my S.O. knows him on “business terms” .. I know that this luthier has his generous moments, but I also think he may have pedophilic tendencies, or, at least, the tendency to go after extremely young females when he is in his 40’s. I worry about him, but am not ready to “X” him off my list of friends, yet. He owns his own home, is not wanting for work (is not lazy, but, in a drunken moment, has accused at least one person of being such)
Raised as a Christian, instructed to “no judge, lest ye be judged”.. well, I think that had me BRAINWASHED to those who blindsighted me later in life..so I since became a Buddhist (or, at least, I am trying to arrive to that path) Mainly, I changed religions because I saw TOO MANY HIPOCRYTES who claimed to be Christians, and met HONEST men, after that, who did not perp on women!
Women are tired..TIRED of frauds and liars..EXHAUSTED from their LIES..from the years of which they have DEFRAUDED us. Meawhile, others around us, when we tell them our stories, many of them cannot fathom what each of us endured, nor the levels of abuse we tolerated and HID, hoping “it will get better”.. Though I volunteered for several months in a Woman’s Center..helping abused women, after graduating college, that short stint made a small “dent” (like the speck on a chrome-plated fart in the cosmos, when our Universe is just too vast to even contemplate how large it is)
The worst of the SPATH traits is GASLIGHTING..what my ex was EXPERT at..convincing me that anything I suspected he did (which he ACTUALLY did) was not what he did.
I once knew a musical female friend in my past. She was a native to the state where I was only a visitor..she had lived in that western state all her life. She loved country and western songs. She also loved animals. At one time in her life, she “broke” wild horses. She earned acclaim for her art work (she was an excellent painter) in the western town where I met her. She also, according to what she told me about herself, had, at one time, been the girlfriend of the local bluegrass guitarist “expert” (the “best of the best bluegrass style guitarists).. After him, she never loved another man again, but was CONTENT in herself. She became a psychologist. I could tell you her name, but I can’t on this site, but she received acclaim/press for her oil paintings in her locale.
This good woman took me to my first stock show out west. At that show, we both busked, with out guitars and voices, at that venue, where we were permitted to do so. Her paintings were so vivid and perfect, in press about her work, she was described, as to her style, as like “Chagall”..with “floating images” in her pastoral paintings. Her brother worked for BBC, as a journalist. She was definitely special to me, could EMPATHIZE with others..almost like no one else I ever had met. She died from a brain tumor. Before she did, though, I knew that she had pursued a PhD in psychology.
She lived in a tiny, “postage stamp” sized home that she kept, with animals (ducks, chickens, etc.) in her back yard. Even after she had sworn off men, she was able to maintain her dignity, in that tiny home, to paint in oils..oils which later she was recognized for, in local press, as being an artist, who one journalist who described her art, described it as like the art of Chagall (with floating animals)..my friend died of a brain tumor. But I remember her well..remember her as someone who, while she STOOD ALONE, without a mate, for years, GAINED her well-deserved press, for her art.
It was sad, to me, how my dear friend, had become asexual, never wanting another male mate, after that “famous” blue grass musician, with whom she had had a long-term relationship. She never told me the details of that relationship, though..as if wanting to keep her dignity.
I just know though..that the man who finally “did her in” had never broken horses as she had done. Possibly, he was jealous of her and her accomplishments, including of her art, of which she gained acclaim.
I don’t know her ex lover..never met him, and hope never to meet him, though possibly I have, given I was in that professional musical circle, possible the same one her ex was in. I only knew that he DESTROYED her, that after him, she never was a lover to another man, again. Very sad.
Zim
Zim:
Your post really made me sad because I feel like I am that woman, too. I really do and it scares me.
Zim, Louise,
Yes, it scares me how to trust again. I guess when you find yourself feeling vulnerable in small ways and someone takes advantage, shows no respect or empathy, RUN! Maybe that’s it….. get on the zero tolerance program. Isn’t there a book titled, “Why Men Like Bitches.” Maybe being firm, assertive and no nonsense helps. I thought I was that way at first, but man I swear, I got worn down and just when he sensed my softness (well into marriage and kids) then, spath takes it up a notch. Who wants to give up family? But honestly, make a firm boundary line and stand firm would be my advice now. You’ll find out real quick it he’s someone who cares about his family.
Peace all.
Hello to all,
I haven’t had time to post responses to articles on LF lately; but I read, and share links, religiously.
My personal opinion about the letter-writer is that she *THINKS* she is “high-functioning” – however, her own words condemn her as merely “providing a justification” for her own actions (and taking pot-shots at LF to PROVE she’s right, to her Self!).
My advice: tell her to stuff it and go get a PhD in Psychology and actually DO interviews and assessments OF sociopathic personalities – she WON’T, of course, because – if she COULD CARE – it would be LESS.
That is all….
Jewels
Zim- the first paragraph of your post hit home. I remember talking to my therapist about porn and the spath. I remember telling him that I didn’t have a problem with that. He looked at me and said “why do you think that’s ok? Don’t you feel it objectifies women?” I was stunned like a deer in headlights. I think I had become so pre- programmed not just by the spath but by society in general I had never even thought about that.
Rationalizations are very powerful. I personally have had a problem with rationalizing others bad behavior. I considered them judgemement and judgements were bad. This is not the case. It comes down to self love and boundaries. Ox wrote a really good article on this that has helped me allot.
It’s funny as time passes I’m seeing the world with new eyes. I had no idea of all the toxic people in my life. It’s not my job to rationalize their behavior. Furthermore I don’t want them around me or my son. It’s hard to do. I have deleted so many people off fb. I have gone through my phone and looked at my contacts. Not many are true friends or even good people. In fact many have really done some crappy things to me. Why are they still there- my fear of being alone. No more!! They really aren’t there anyway why waste my time and confuse myself thinking otherwise.
coping:
Good for you!!!! Keep it up! I am going to do the same.
Dear Coping,
TOWANDA for you baby!!!! You go girl! Get those toxic parasites out of your life….you need them like you need another hole in your head! People like that do not add anything positive to our lives.
Go ahead and JUDGE what kind of people they are by LOOKING at the FRUIT of their behavior. Are they living the way KIND, CARING, RESPONSIBLE and HONEST people live, or are they showing that they are unkind, uncaring, irresponsible and dishonest? If they are not the kind of people that are positive influences in your life, get rid of them ASAP!
I do believe sociopaths want to feel. What she views as a power over others, I view as a weakness. To have to mimic emotions and never actually know what it feels like”to never connect with people, to love, or feel loved. Can you imagine living a life where you believe that people you’ve hurt actually threaten your survival. I would recommend high-functioning sociopaths rely heavily on their intellect, as they can decipher right from wrong, and use that as a replacement for the emotions they lack. I don’t think empaths fear sociopaths; we feel sorry for them. I think sociopaths should channel their energy into hobbies or careers that would satisfy their need for excitement. Doing good things and making positive impacts is equally as gratifying as doing bad and playing mind games. Thinking of the notoriety that can come from doing good; I am surprised that sociopaths haven’t figured out that the rewards are greater on the good side of the spectrum. I do believe that everyone is born with a soul. If sociopaths truly believe they are the more powerful and smarter breed of human, they would feel no need to exert that power or abuse it. I suspect this isn’t really the case. They are the fragile breed, full of loathing and self-hatred, and they strike, out of fear without ever letting people get close enough to know the ’real’ person. I believe sociopaths can get better if they try to get in touch with the emotions they do have. I think the biggest lie they tell, is the one they tell themselves as an act of self-preservation.
This “rationalization” of “boys will be boys” , turned into “porn is just a guy thing” is DAMAGING to women, and we MUST LET MALES KNOW that it is! No, it’s not just spath males who think this way. It can be as seemingly “innocent” as your first major, years-long lover, when you are young and impressionable, who has a habit of hiding Play Boy magazines under his bed, okay? Porn OBJECTIFIES women! Meanwhile, the male musician friend of mine, who said that “porn is just a guy thing”..well, he has Buddha statuary in his home, and gave me a book (of similar philosophy), as if to tell me to “forgive” and to “free your mind of these worries”.. meanwhile still CHEATING ON HIS WIFE, not divorced yet. I have not “exed” him off my FB friends list yet, but it seems he is still BLIND to how porn OBJECTIFIES women.
On another note, another of my FB male friends, who has been a friend to my S.O. for years, ..he is an expert luthier, though an alcoholic, and I have witnessed him abusive to me, on one occasion, when he was drunk. It is sometimes difficult for me to maintain my friendship with him. I think I mostly do so because my S.O. knows him on “business terms” .. I know that this luthier has his generous moments, but I also think he may have pedophilic tendencies, or, at least, the tendency to go after extremely young females when he is in his 40’s. I worry about him, but am not ready to “X” him off my list of friends, yet. He owns his own home, is not wanting for work (is not lazy, but, in a drunken moment, has accused at least one person of being such)
Raised as a Christian, instructed to “no judge, lest ye be judged”.. well, I think that had me BRAINWASHED to those who blindsighted me later in life..so I since became a Buddhist (or, at least, I am trying to arrive to that path) Mainly, I changed religions because I saw TOO MANY HIPOCRYTES who claimed to be Christians, and met HONEST men, after that, who did not perp on women!
Women are tired..TIRED of frauds and liars..EXHAUSTED from their LIES..from the years of which they have DEFRAUDED us. Meawhile, others around us, when we tell them our stories, many of them cannot fathom what each of us endured, nor the levels of abuse we tolerated and HID, hoping “it will get better”.. Though I volunteered for several months in a Woman’s Center..helping abused women, after graduating college, that short stint made a small “dent” (like the speck on a chrome-plated fart in the cosmos, when our Universe is just too vast to even contemplate how large it is)
The worst of the SPATH traits is GASLIGHTING..what my ex was EXPERT at..convincing me that anything I suspected he did (which he ACTUALLY did) was not what he did.
I once knew a musical female friend in my past. She was a native to the state where I was only a visitor..she had lived in that western state all her life. She loved country and western songs. She also loved animals. At one time in her life, she “broke” wild horses. She earned acclaim for her art work (she was an excellent painter) in the western town where I met her. She also, according to what she told me about herself, had, at one time, been the girlfriend of the local bluegrass guitarist “expert” (the “best of the best bluegrass style guitarists).. After him, she never loved another man again, but was CONTENT in herself. She became a psychologist. I could tell you her name, but I can’t on this site, but she received acclaim/press for her oil paintings in her locale.
This good woman took me to my first stock show out west. At that show, we both busked, with out guitars and voices, at that venue, where we were permitted to do so. Her paintings were so vivid and perfect, in press about her work, she was described, as to her style, as like “Chagall”..with “floating images” in her pastoral paintings. Her brother worked for BBC, as a journalist. She was definitely special to me, could EMPATHIZE with others..almost like no one else I ever had met. She died from a brain tumor. Before she did, though, I knew that she had pursued a PhD in psychology.
She lived in a tiny, “postage stamp” sized home that she kept, with animals (ducks, chickens, etc.) in her back yard. Even after she had sworn off men, she was able to maintain her dignity, in that tiny home, to paint in oils..oils which later she was recognized for, in local press, as being an artist, who one journalist who described her art, described it as like the art of Chagall (with floating animals)..my friend died of a brain tumor. But I remember her well..remember her as someone who, while she STOOD ALONE, without a mate, for years, GAINED her well-deserved press, for her art.
It was sad, to me, how my dear friend, had become asexual, never wanting another male mate, after that “famous” blue grass musician, with whom she had had a long-term relationship. She never told me the details of that relationship, though..as if wanting to keep her dignity.
I just know though..that the man who “did her in” had never broken horses as she had done. Possibly, he was jealous of her and her accomplishments, including of her art, of which she gained acclaim.
I don’t know her ex lover..never met him, and hope never to meet him, though possibly I have, given I was in that professional musical circle, possible the same one her ex was in. I only knew that he DESTROYED her, that after him, she never was a lover to another man, again. Very sad.
Am so glad the spath is out of my life. Had he stayed with me five more years, he probably would have gone through my inheritance from my father. The woman he left me for got her inheritance 10 years sooner than I did. That was what he was after I think, her money, her property.
Yeah, he had “stage presence” alright..could really FAKE those “love” emotions up there, too, while his band covered “From a Jack To A King” [my interpretation: “I’m a King now that I’ve burned so many bridges, destroyed so many lives.., but gee, the woman I have now sure makes me feel like a King! .. even though I’ve duped her, too, especially when she doesn’t know I’ve sexed men, too, and still want to sex men .. and gee, I’m not sorry I sucked you into my mess when I made you believe in love, while singing Walk Through This World With Me, getting you to harmonize with me .. don’t feel alone..I’ll be singing those same songs to the next chick and the next..cause it WORKS! Ha ha .. fooled you! What a CHAMP I am for lying my way through life and getting away with it! Aren’t I a NEAT guy, ladies? Don’t you just LOVE me for that? That I’m a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR and have PROVED that it PAYS to be one? Don’t you just love me? Hey..I’ve got an EXTRA BONUS for you..I get herpes sores on my mouth! Gotta love it, right? Possibly I got them from taking someone else’s wee wee in my mouth, when, just before, another guy with herpes on HIS mouth probably had that same wee wee in HIS mouth. Aren’t I a great guy? Or maybe I got herpes from a swinger’s party I attended..maybe one of those swingers had herpes..or maybe one of them just got out of prison..gee..I don’t remember who gave it to me..all those RANDOM people I had sex with..my memory is so short..I just can’t recall who. But hey..I’m DISCRETE, right? So discrete and intelligent that my girlfriend busted me. Aren’t I cute? Oh..another BONUS for you..I love to have my “salad tossed” .. probably why I had HUGE hemorrhoid that resembled an engorged green tick..gotta love it, right? I’m just the PERFECT guy for you. My third BONUS is that I like to try to turn women into lesbians, even though I know that you never wanted that nor would ever be one. I do it because when I was young, someone tried to turn me into a queer and succeeded in turning me into a CLOSET queer. Aren’t I just THE BOMB, girls? I love to mix it up and mess with your minds and souls because I’M MESSED UP. The More, The Merrier, you know..and I could care less if everyone in the world got my STD. Darn! My last girlfriend escaped me escaped narrowly without getting it. I’ll try harder next time, though, with the next woman..to give it to HER. That should be EASY..a Piece of Cake, since I think I like getting oral sex from women better than I do having MEANINGFUL sex with them. I love to OBJECTIFY women. I’m “The Lucky One” .. Aren’t I cute?”] and he sang Glen Frye’s On The Other Hand..I should have known that while my repertoire focused on women burned by cheaters, his seemed mostly ABOUT how cheaters get away with it, or how MEN get “burned” (He Stopped Loving Her Today)
Zim