Editor’s note: The following story was sent to Lovefraud by a man whom we’ll call “Anthony.” He believes his ex-wife is a sociopath. This is part 4 of 4. The story refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Read: Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3
Trying to make sense of the insanity:
How could someone behave this way?
At this point I was totally bewildered and completely devastated. Nothing at all made sense to me. I remembered all of the strange events that happened throughout our “relationship,” and I knew that they all tied together somehow, but even the events themselves were so bizarre, that my mind just could not make sense of them. I knew that she was a very sick woman, that’s all.
When I talked to a neighbor a few days after she left, I even told them that there was something very different about this “breakup.” It was nothing like a normal breakup, but it was so much more painful than anything I had ever experienced before. I could not figure out why, so I just thought that it was because I loved her so much. It was not until months later when I began to learn about narcissism, psychopathy, and covert abuse that I learned why I was in such incredible pain. I had been in an abusive relationship for 3 years, and did not even realize it. I was so hooked on her, emotionally addicted, and determined to show her how much I loved her, so that when she left, there was so much more there above and beyond the loss of a relationship, which actually never existed in the first place. It was this addiction and the emotional abuse of the past 3 years that caused the much deeper pain during the breakup. It’s not an easy concept to accept and to truly understand, but it is what happens, and it was the reason for very difficult time that I had at this point.
Trying to make sense of the insanity:
Discovery of Narcissism
It was several months after she left, and I was still clueless to what had happened to me, and still knew nothing about why it happened. I was visiting a friend, and we were talking about this. When I explained to her that I finally got hard evidence that my wife was cheating in her office during the workday, and when I lovingly (well, as lovingly as possible under those circumstances) confronted her, she turned it around on me, called me crazy, and still denied it. My friend’s response was, “She will never admit it. She’s a narcissist!” I remembered that this was the very thing that my attorney said when we talked months earlier, but I dismissed it then, because I had the wrong impression of what a narcissist really is.
I thought I knew what a narcissist was, but when I began to really read about it, I was shocked to find that it explained much of what I had experienced. I thought I had finally found it! I learned about the defense mechanisms like projection, then understood exactly why she accused me of the very things that I suspected she might be doing, and I learned that she actually told me many things about her own thoughts and actions when she accused me of these things. So much about my strange experience suddenly wasn’t totally strange! I went from total confusion, to a point where things actually began to make sense. What an incredible day that was for me. I cannot begin to explain how it felt to finally be able to make sense of the hell that I had experienced in this, and to start to resolve the cognitive dissonance that I had been carrying around for years.
Although much of this disorder fit my wife’s behavior, there were some things about Narcissism that did not fit her at all. This is sometimes normal because these disorders are not black and white, all or nothing, but the traits fall on a continuum. Some are more pronounced in some people, and not in others. Actually, there is a grouping of disorders that are similar, called cluster b disorders, including Anti Social Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. This is the official grouping by the American Psychological Association. These disorders share similar traits, and the disordered share similar coping mechanisms.
I had heard about this cluster in the past, but like most people, knew little about it. While much of my problem was explained through narcissism, there were some basic things about narcissism that did not fit my wife at all. Mostly, narcissists are totally focused on their image, so they want the very best of anything that will make them look good. This could be cars, houses, clothes, or other things. They often brag about accomplishment and\or events that never really existed, or about credentials that they do not actually have. They want to be seen with powerful and successful people to make them look good. None of this fit my wife. She drove an old van, and while she was very attractive and spent money on her hair and nails at times, she did not put much importance on having nice new clothes, or the best of anything, really. I had trouble with this, because it showed that she may not actually be a narcissist, or at least not to such a degree, but still, most of the strange events were clearly explained by this disorder, including the bizarre projections, the covert abuse, the mind games, and relationship phases of idealization, devaluing, and finally discarding. Narcissists are also known for coldly smearing their victim’s names and reputations in the end, in an attempt to shift the focus and blame off of themselves.
Trying to make sense of the insanity:
Discovery of Psychopathy
So while I studied Narcissism, and was learning a great deal about what happened to me, I came across the website Lovefraud.com. This site was created by Donna Andersen, who was victimized by a man that she believes is a sociopath. As I read the stories, so much of them mirrored my own story, and the traits of a sociopath matched my wife’s perfectly. Sociopaths are also known as psychopaths, and the disorder is in the cluster b disorders, but now the APA calls them Anti-Social Personality Disorder. They are clustered together with NPD (narcissistic Personality Disorder). They are all closely related, and as far as I’m concerned (and so many others who have been victimized and nearly destroyed by these sick predators), it’s pure evil.
Now I finally knew exactly what happened to me. I began to learn why it happened to me, also. These people target their victims because of weaknesses that they quickly find in the potential target. They have spent their entire lives putting on facades and preying upon others, so they become very skilled at manipulation, and at quickly evaluating a potential target, to determine where their weaknesses are. They then exploit those weaknesses as they put on whatever facade is needed to gain whatever they seek from the victim. They are masters of this game, because they have had to be in order to survive, and because they have perfected this game over their entire lifetime.
I began reading everything that I could find on the subject, and before it was over, I probably owned and read a dozen of the top rated books about psychopathy, by authors like Dr. Robert Hare, Harvey Cleckly, Sandra Brown, and Thomas Sheridan. In addition, I found some excellent websites, and probably spent hundreds of hours studying over the 18 months that I spent learning about this disorder. It was such a liberating thing to gain understanding after being in a total fog for so long. I finally knew, I clearly understood, and I have learned things that are truly priceless. Yes, I was pretty beat up, and yes, I went through absolute hell, but I finally see it. I will never have to go back to that ugly place again. I know what they are, I know how they operate, and I know how many of them are actually out there, everywhere. I’m no longer easy prey, and I hope to educate as many others as possible about this. The only way to fight this is to shine the light of truth on it, and expose it.
Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism that is used by the disordered to give relief on a sub conscience level for bad feelings that are the result of their own thoughts and actions. To relieve themselves of those bad or uncomfortable feelings, they project their own defects onto others. The result is that they blame others for exactly what they themselves are thinking and doing. Being on the receiving end of these projections is truly a bizarre thing to experience.
I’m still a little unclear about this, because the disordered person has no conscience or empathy at all. They do not care at all about others. How then do they feel uncomfortable feelings about what they are thinking and doing? I am not sure, but I know that I experienced this with my disordered person on probably 5 or 6 different occasions. These occasions were times when we were having emotional discussions about our relationship, she was therefore under stress, and she would accuse me of things that I felt that she must actually be thinking or may have done herself. I had good reason to think that she may be thinking or feeling these things, yet she accused me of those very things, and completely without merit. It was baffling to me.
I saw her complete lack of empathy, and her actions clearly showed that she did not care about how her behavior would crush me. She actually enjoyed getting over on me, and doing what she was behind my back. Why then would she need to use projection in those moments when discussions were heating up about things between us not being “right?” I do not understand this, but there is no doubt that, when we were arguing about the things that I felt were very wrong with our “relationship,” and she was under stress, she projected onto me on many occasions. Not understanding what was happening, but definitely understanding that something very odd was taking place, I could only make mental notes, and try to make sense of something so bizarre.
One of the first times that I can remember that projection was used by my wife was when we were having a heated discussion about her daughter and how I thought that our family was out of order, and she said something like, “you never loved me. I think you wanted to love me, but you don’t know how.” And she also said, “You only married me to prove something to your ex-wife,” and “This whole marriage is a lie.”
I remember stopping and trying to figure how something like this could come out of her mouth when I constantly made every effort to show her how much she meant to me. I deeply loved her, and I made a conscience effort to show her, almost on a daily basis. I knew that her accusations were completely base-less, and even absurd considering how I treated her. I knew that there was something significant about these exchanges, but I just could not make sense of them. I figured that she must have been thinking and feeling these exact things, but was completely puzzled as to what was really happening. If she were thinking and feeling these things, why in the world would she accuse me of them? It just made no sense!
These exchanges were the oddest things for me. I am a very logical person, with a background in computer science, so I tried to make sense of this, but from a logical point of view. Not having a clue about what I was dealing with, I just could not understand what was happening. The truth is, this disorder and everything about it, is anything but logical. It is completely illogical, and we are dealing with people who are actually insane. They are not out of touch with reality (a psychotic), but they absolutely are insane. You can never figure out what is happening while you are trying to figure it out from a normal person’s perspective. Not until you understand that you are actually dealing with insanity, will you even begin to get your mind around what is happening. It is truly bizarre.
Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Duping Delight
This was one of the most hurtful aspects of my “relationship” with this sick woman, and until a few months ago, I had not yet learned of the term to describe it. I suspected throughout our “relationship” that I knew what was happening, and as time went on, more cracks in her pot became visible, and I began to slowly put it all together. I became more and more convinced that things were not at all as they seemed. If that was not enough to deal with, there were many times that I felt that she was actually covertly rubbing it in my face that she was getting over on me, carrying on an illicit and disgusting sexual affair, and I was clueless (or at least she thought that I was). These instances clearly demonstrate how these people think, how they view life as nothing more than a game, and how they enjoy destroying others in their quest for dominance, power, and control. These instances are clear proof to me that what I was dealing with was a very sick and a very evil woman, and it is hard to even get my mind around the fact that this woman is this way. Had I not experienced it for myself, I would probably not believe it. This is a very beautiful woman on the outside, but a rotting soul on the inside.
Duping delight is the term to describe one of the tools used by these sick people, and I believe that this tool alone shows that what we are dealing with is actually pure evil. There is no poor judgment, or bad choices here. When someone is such a cold and sick person to manipulate and deceive someone, then to make a sport of it for their own sense of power, control, and amusement, they clearly demonstrate purely evil behavior. Nothing anybody can say will ever change my mind about this.
One of the first instances of this that I can remember is around several conversations that we had about fitness. She was never an active woman when I knew her, and a typical evening for her was to sit in front of the TV and watch any of her 15 favorite TV shows. She was very close to a couch potato, and I wanted us to be a little healthier. I explained that I wanted to grow old with her, and I framed the discussions as positively as possible, hoping to encourage her to be more active with me. Most of the time, we sat on the couch and watched TV, hardly ever walked around the neighborhood, and only rode our brand new bikes once or twice.
During one of these conversations when I was gently nudging her to do something like take a walk to get us a little exercise, she told me that she got exercise during the day at her office. She said that she closed the door in the middle of the day, and exercised. Now this was towards the end, when I was pretty sure that she was seriously deceiving me, and may be having sex in her office during the day (I had eliminated all other possibilities). I played along, though, laughing at the thought of her doing push-ups in her office, saying something to the effect that I’d love to be a fly on the wall to see something so funny. I thought about what she said, and I could not believe that she’d think that I would believe that she’d close her door and exercise in her office during the work day, when she was a total couch potato for the entire time that I was around her, and all the way back since I met her. It’s just ludicrous that someone would even think that story was even close to plausible.
Just weeks later, I found out, without a shred of doubt, that the exercise that she was getting was mostly from behind as she let her boss use her like a piece of trash. The fact that she was doing it was not enough power and excitement for her, she had to take her sick games to the next level. She had to covertly rub it in my face that she was screwing in her office, and getting away with it, while her loving, faithful, and clueless husband was being made the idiot, or at least she thought so.
One trait of a psychopath is that they are easily bored, and this is a large part of why they are ALL sexually promiscuous: the need for excitement. I think it is also worth pointing out that they carry out their “duping delight” games not only as an exhibit of dominance and control, but also as simple entertainment for themselves. I bet she almost wet her paints when I made the comment about being a fly on the wall while she “got her exercise,” but I know she wasn’t laughing when I exposed her for the cheating, lying, deceitful woman that she is.
Another good example of duping delight happened one evening while we were being couch potatoes, and watching Jeopardy. This episode was about the game of golf. Now to our knowledge, she had never played the game. None of her past (known) boyfriends were golfers, nor were her husbands. Still, as the questions were read, she answered many of them correctly, and with smugness, as she played her game, and toyed with me. She knew all about the game of golf, the swings, the different clubs, when to use them, scoring, and so on. I played along, asking her how she knew all of this, and she just explained it away as luck or something. Again, this was towards the end, so I knew what she was likely doing with me, and figured that she had cheated with at least one man who was a golfer. Low and behold, when I busted her, the married trash that had been doing her in her office for years was, you guessed it, and avid golfer. Gee, what a coincidence. I think not.
These two examples show clearly how very sick and depraved these people really are. It’s not enough to do what they do to innocent, loving, and trusting people. They have to take it up a few notches with their sick and twisted games.
How anybody can say that this is not absolute evil is beyond me. Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self Love) says that narcissist are not evil. Tornados and tigers hurt people, just like narcissists, and they are not evil. They are only doing what tornados and tigers do. It only stands to reason, then, that narcissists, just doing what narcissists do, like tigers or tornados, are not evil either. I guess we could apply this very logic to someone else, lets say, Adolf Hitler. Hitler just did want anyone like Hitler would do. He wasn’t evil, he was just doing what he does. It’s a ridiculous argument.
These people know exactly what they are doing. They know very well that they are destroying families, and innocent lives, but it never bothers them one bit, because they lack the very things that make us human to begin with: empathy and the ability to love. Just because they do not care (it does not bother them in the slightest), does not make what they do any less evil. Furthermore, considering how they ACTUALLY ENJOY what they are doing, which is clearly demonstrated in their “duping delight,” when someone tries to call this anything less than absolute evil, it almost makes me furious!
If this experience has taught me one thing, it is that evil exists in this world, not only in things that are blatantly obvious, like someone flying an airplane into a building full of innocent people, but even more so, in people and places that most would never expect to find it.
Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
Idealization, Devaluing, and Discarding
Another common theme with many of the cluster b disordered individuals (NPD, ASPD, HPD, BPD), is that relationships with these people all follow the same progression. There are three phases that make up this relational progression: idealization, devaluing, and discarding.
During the idealization phase, the disordered is treating their partner as if they are the best thing that they have ever known. This is at least partly because they are in the process of hooking the victim. They are very skilled at sizing up a victim, quickly learning what the person wants and needs, and then becoming exactly what is needed to ensure that the victim is hooked. This is important, because it is this bond to the disordered that will ensure that the victim remains once the abuse starts in the next phases of the relationship, the devaluing phase.
Immediately after the victim is hooked, the disordered will begin to devalue the victim. This may be a gradual process, and it will likely begin with little comments at opportune times, when the victim is made to feel less-then in some way, or made to feel not quite good enough. Other ways that the disordered may devalue the victim is through the use of other abusive tools of the trade used by the disordered. These tools include manipulation, projection, gaslighting (making the victim think that they are crazy, and that the problems are because of them), duping delight, dishonesty (lies, some of them for no other reason that it is entertaining to them), subtle put downs, deception, and deceit.
For someone who has not been through this, one might think, “I’d pack my bags as soon as someone began to treat me this way!” I would think that very same thing. What needs to be understood is that these tactics are never overtly used, in blatant, obvious ways. Disordered people are very skilled at this game, so they know how to be very subtle in what they are doing, and they are able to blend enough good in the mix so that the victim usually does not even notice what is happening to them. What ends up happening in the “relationship”, is that the victim begins trying to compensate and correct, to restore the “relationship” to what “it was” in the beginning. The only problem is that, the victim does not yet know that their entire “relationship” was never real to begin with, and therefore can never be “restored” to its original state. Still, the victim begins buying into the lies, and jumping through hoops, trying to appease the disordered in some way. This is all in an effort to resurrect the perfect person and “relationship” that they once had.
The final stage of relationships with the disordered is brought about in one of two cases. The first case is when the victim no longer of any use to the predator, usually because they have either gotten what they wanted, or because whatever they wanted has been all used up. The other case is when the predator is found out, the mask is removed, and the game is up. Either way, the victim is callously discarded like yesterday’s trash. This is a very difficult thing to experience, and it often drives the victim to the point of suicide.
This relational progression took place in my “relationship” in the same way that it did in all of the other cases that I have read about. It is amazing how similar all of our stories are. The details may be different, but the stories are almost identical, and there are hundreds of them, probably many times more, but most are not talked about.
The discarding was the most incredibly painful experience. I honestly thought we loved and cared for each other. When I discovered the hard evidence of what she was doing, and when I still offered mercy, forgiveness, and a chance to make it all right, but instead, got it all turned around on me, more lies and deceit to shift the blame, and coldly discarded, it was emotional pain like nothing I have ever experienced.
It is only by God’s grace that I made it through alive. Had I not had Him, and the key people that He put in my path, I am certain that I would have at least taken my own life, possibly much more. When I hear of any of the very common tragedies in the news today, I understand exactly why these things are taking place. The world is not a nice place, but is full of evil, much of it well hidden in places that one would never suspect, and it is going to continue to get worse. It is this evil that is destroying so much good in the world, and these sick people are a huge part of the problem.
Understanding the Bizarre Behaviors:
The Smear Campaign
When one of these people is either found out, or when they have completely used up the victim, and thus have discarded them, the smear campaign is sure to follow. This is because they must maintain cover for what they are, out of the basic need for survival. In order to do this, blame must be shifted. For the victim, this is like the final nails in their coffin.
Try to imagine going through a “relationship” with one of these sick people, being covertly abused, having been idealized, then slowly devalued for years, and finally discarded like a worthless piece of trash once you prove that this person, whom you genuinely and deeply loved, had been doing something like screwing their boss the entire time. Imagine the depth of pain and confusion that you’d feel at that time (believe me, it is more painful than you can imaging).
Now try to imagine how you would feel, if you were in this state, and you also had to deal with this person, whom you loved and cherished, and whom you thought loved you, begin to spread lies about you to your friends, family, and neighbors, to explain the breakup. These people are ruthless, and they lie as easily as they breathe, so they will not hesitate to do this, because it serves their purpose. That is the only thing that ever matters to them. It is completely devastating to the victim.
God only knows what this woman told people to explain what happened, but I could see that she told them something. I did not understand what was happening until months later, when I learned about psychopathy, and read the many other stories of this very thing happening. Still, I knew that she was spreading these lies, and completely denying the truth. My neighbors would no longer let their daughters have sleep-overs with my daughters at our house, and when we were in mediation for property division, the mediator came back in from her room saying that she’s getting 2 completely different stories about what happened. I did not even ask the mediator what she was being told.
It really doesn’t matter what she had been saying. It’s all a pack of lies from a severely disordered woman. I know that she is going to pay for what she did to me and my children. God is not mocked, and she mocked Him throughout this entire “relationship” and marriage, and throughout the process to end it. I know that I did my part to try to help her, and I deeply and genuinely loved her. I showed unconditional love and mercy, and I know that God was pleased with that. I was so very good to her, but she repaid my good with evil, all the way to the very end. It may be a game to her now, but it won’t be forever. If these people even have a soul, when their number is up, they will be reminded of the lives that they destroyed while they played their games.
I was lucky. I didn’t get dumped by the spath, I dumped him!! But even that proved to be a difficult task. Although there were oddities in the 10 year relationship, I didn’t realise that he was an spath, so when i finally decided I’d had enough and wanted to finish the relationship, I expected it to happen in the ‘normal’ way ie you tell the other person you want to finish it, there are tears etc, they move out and you get on with your life.
What actually happened was that I decided it was over and picked a date when I had finally plucked up the courage to tell him. But 2 days before that I was brushing my teeth and he came into the bathroom and commented ‘You won’t kiss me any more, why?” My response, through gritted foamy teeth BECAUSE I WANT A TRIAL SEPARATION! The look on his face was a picture.
He didn’t see why he should go an sleep on someone elses floor/sofa and for a whole month more I had to put up with him being in the flat. I had to make a mental note to wear a dressing gown etc as he kept pawing at me and I couldn’t bear him to touch me any more, but I still didn’t know he was an spath. As the month worn on I hated him more and more, but tried to be civil, but he still hadn’t found anywhere to live. I think he was deliberately not trying, not believing I was serious about ending it. But having found the courage, I was deadly serious and wanted him gone.
After about 3 weeks it was arranged that he would stay with a mutual friend, away from where I lived and he would try & get a job in that area, so we all visited and then I returned to my place. About 3 days into his visit I received a drunken phone call from him accusing me of phoning all the agents in the area telling them he had a drink problem (I later realise this was projection and I think gaslighting) but at the time I couldn’t understand how he could accuse me of that as why would I tell the agents that when I wanted rid of him.
Later that night I had a panic stricken phone call from the friend. She had locked herself in her bathroom as he had been in a drunken rage and had threatened to kill her!! I was horrified! I asked if she was ok and she was, and that he was now alseep on the sofa. I said he would probably be ok until the morning.
After that phone call I sat in shock and shaking and knew this was crunch time. I had put this friend in danger and had to do something about it. I decided that if I didn’t do it now, then In never would. I went round the flat packing everything I could find of his into suitcases and rubbish sacks. I was shaking but I knew I had to do it or we would never be safe.
Then I rang the police for advice, but they weren’t very supportive, saying that because of him living with me for over 1 year he had a right of access to his home – ie my flat. It made me so angry. they could only do something once he had done something to me – how stupid!
I then rang another friend who worked the early shift – by now it was about 5am and he was the only person I knew who would be awake at that time. he advised talking to a solicitor. At 9am I rang a solicitor and made an appointment to see him later that morning. I explained to him that I had told the ex to leave but he wouldn’t. we also spoke to my landlord and told him the situation and what we planned. We basically gave him 2 days to move out or we would get an injunction.
When I came back after 2 days he had gone! I was so scared to go into the flat but relieved I didn’t have to face him. I changed the locks immediately and then started clearing up all the mess he had left – he hadn’t taken half the stuff I packed, so I was lumbered with clearing it and for months/years I kept finding the odd bit here and there.
For about a month I was doing the ‘getting over the boyfriend business’, still not knowing he had been an spath. Then an ex of his rang me asking of I had seen or heard from him. He had been staying at one of her properties but couldn’t be found and did I think he was suicidal. My answer to that ‘No he’s too selfish for that’.
Then she dropped her (unknowing) bombshell and my life changed forever. She commented on how sorry she had been to see how much weight he’d put on, he looked just like his mother. I commented that his mother was dead. She replied no, she’s alive and living in xxxxxx. I was stunned. And then more shock. The friend told me that the brother that I had been told had died, wasn’t one brother, but 2 and both were alive and living in xxxxx and had children!!!
All I can say to describe it is that the bottom dropped out of my world, the rug was pulled out from underneath me. The disbelief unbelievable. 10 years of my life had been lived in a lie. I couldn’t comprehend it. I didn’t know who I was any more. The pain and anger I felt indescribable. I can remember standing in my hall way screaming, screaming in such pain and banging my head on the wall in the most excruciating agony I’ve ever experienced. I think it was almost animalistic howling actually, the pain of a soul that has been ripped to shreds. Unless you’ve experienced it, its indescribable.
Later on someone offered me a new bed to replace the ‘marital’ bed. I told them to bring and axe as I wanted to smash the bed to pieces. Sensibly on their part they only brought hammers. I found it very therapeutic to smash the bed and it really helped in my healing.
“All I can say to describe it is that the bottom dropped out of my world, the rug was pulled out from underneath me. The disbelief unbelievable. 10 years of my life had been lived in a lie. I couldn’t comprehend it. I didn’t know who I was any more. The pain and anger I felt indescribable. ”
This is exactly the same reaction I had upon finding out my stepfather of ten years had left my mother for a woman he worked with, after she confronted him about sexually abusing my youngest sister for ALL THOSE YEARS. Along with countless affairs and cheating. I had loved him as a father because he replaced my father who had died. I could not believe that he had fooled all of us all of that time, that we had lived with him and never suspected a thing. I was 19 years old and it rocked my world. Every person in the family fell into a stupefied state of depression, disbelief, rage, and guilt. I remember thinking “how will I ever be able to tell who I can trust and who is bad?” I lost the only father I had a second time. No one can ever be prepared for such a betrayal by someone you trusted.
Anthony:
Thank you so much for sharing your story!
It is such a breath of fresh to read this knowing others understand the magnitude of these relationships. I have tried to explain it to my family and friends what I have gone through. I don’t fault them for not fully understanding because they haven’t experienced being with one who is disordered. I am so thankful that they haven’t experienced this!
Reading the part of you sitting on your couch and having the conversations you described was liking looking in a glass ball of reflection as I was sitting there with my ex-boyfriend having a similar conversation.
(I have been married for 22 yrs. My husband died and a month later this old high school friend shows up – of course I know now that it was all planned on his part.) We dated for 2 1/2 years. I broke it off before Christmas. Went NC for 4 weeks, but foolish begin conversations again. I have been now 2 weeks of total NC. And plan to keep it that way!
I feel doubly foolish for going back to him for a few months. Especially since he was seeing someone else, which of course he said he had just gone out with her a few times since we were apart. I have since found out that he started seeing her before I broke up with him in Dec. (OF COURSE) And I saw a text feed where they were saying “I love you, baby” and etc. That’s when I felt the sickest. I have been duped twice! And the other part I felt sick over was that he was intimate with me and her. 🙁
He is one that is also financially stable, have a great career, just finished his master’s degree, very handsome, very physically fit…. everything to make him look good. I thought he was my prince charming but as we know, that is just fairy tale stuff.
I did so much for him. Gave so much of myself to him. It was never enough.
I hurt and pain continue. I hope that one day…I can be truly Free.
I am going to counseling tomorrow for the first time. I hope it will help. I have had extreme anxiety.
Thank you Anthony for sharing your story. I’ve been out of my relationship for right around 8 months and I’m just now realizing how little I knew the “man” I was with. I can’t say that he is a true man. It was through a series of strange events that I discovered my ex is truly a sociopath. Last summer he suffered a breakdown and I took him to the psych hospital where he was committed for 5 days. Apparently he manipulated the doctors the whole time while locked up. They diagnosed him as bipolar, but I now see the whole truth. I may take time to write down my story to help educate others who are going through or have gone through similar situations. I’m a highly educated, independent woman and I’m having a difficult time forgiving myself for being taken advantage of by this person. I will say that I did try to take my power back from him recently. When I learned that he has moved on to his next victim and given her the ring he took his daughter along with him to buy for me, I contacted her. See, this fool couldn’t stop texting or calling me. I thought he wanted to reconcile. I had texts and pictures (the kind that engaged, commited men do not send) to show her as to who this person is. They were (maybe still are) in the midst of planning a wedding and building a 5 bedroom house at her expense. She had also told him to quit his job and she would support him because of his bipolar. Ohm and the child that he thought about signing away, now is forced to visit her dad every other weekend because he is such a family man. The fiance thanked me profusely, but I’m guessing she was manipulated into taking him back. I did try to save her unlike those before me. Only prayers and time will help her now.
This is what I don’t understand – what woman is so desperate to have a “man” that she will not cut bait even when she knows the story up front? He sounds like a parasite – is he faking the mental illness so he can find himself a caretaker? You have intrigued me by saying a spath is so willing to pull a con that he will actually allow himself to be committed to a mental hospital!
I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be with a deceitful parasite.
I think this post really hit on one of the things that is hardest to understand for people who don’t have an abnormal dominance drive. That’s the question of why sociopaths, with no morals, seem uncomfortable when accused of something heinous and resort to retaliatory accusations and projection. While it might be comforting to think of this as a latent sign of morality, I believe it is most likely just another sign of “ladder think”.
“Ladder think” is my term for the mentality that views life itself as nothing more than an enormous ladder. Success means climbing the rungs by knocking the people above you down and shoving the people already below you down even further. Viewed from this skewed perspective, sociopaths interpret moral judgement as something that knocks people down the rungs. For instance, Bernie Madoff used to be powerful and respected, living in luxury and calling all the shots in his massive financial empire. Now his domain has been reduced to the size of a prison cell, and his clout is non-existent. He’s been knocked all the way down the ladder. Since sociopaths have a dominance drive allowed to grow vigorously by egotism and lack of empathy, of course they find the thought of losing power incredibly repugnant.
I believe this is one of the reasons why they turn tail when the mask is removed. It’s not that they are ashamed of their behavior. They are simply uncomfortably aware that, no matter how clever they think themselves, they are greatly outnumbered by people who possess a conscience. Recognition for what they truly are would mean being relegated to the lowest rung, and oh, how they hate to lose their social clout and all the manipulative power that goes with it! Faced with such a terrible threat, sociopaths generally respond in one of two ways: fight or flee (or sometimes both a once). Fleeing would correspond to the discard phase. Of course fighting does not necessarily mean resorting to physical violence. For the more sophisticated, it’s often a smear campaign, threats, or nasty, baseless face-to-face accusations. But what form would those accusations tend to take? Here, I think, lies the answer.
From the sociopath’s perspective, you are swinging a huge morality stick at them, which has the potential to knock them down the ladder. Now, the problem is that they have no morality stick of their own to swing back, because they have no morals. So what are they going to do about it? That’s right–they’re going to take yours. Just like at the beginning of the relationship, they are a warped mirror, designed to turn your own hopes, dreams and morals against you, to hook you where it counts and hit you where it hurts. Believe in soul mates? They’ve felt the connection since you first met. Value generosity and mercy? Then you’re stingy and vengeful. You think their cheating is evil? How much of a coincidence is it when they they turn around and accuse *you* of cheating? Nevermind that it has no basis in reality, because reality and “ladder think” have nothing to do with each other. That’s why conflicts with sociopaths are never about the facts.
If you’ve grown comfortable living your whole life as a lie, then why should you value the truth? From the sociopathic perspective, it’s always (only) about winning, and if they said the sky was green, they have to be right (above you on the ladder), even if they were factually wrong. This is why sociopaths enjoy gaslighting so much, because it is basically the art of burying the facts in favor of gaining more power (to knock you down the ladder). They play the same game from start to finish, always ignoring the truth, though at some point, the gap between their words and reality becomes so large that others break free of their control. The mask slips.
Faced with sheer, undeniable insanity, normal people start thinking, why am I even listening to this? It has no basis in reality. The terrible truth is, nothing the sociopath did was ever based on reality. When they finally say something unbelievable, it is not the sociopath’s tongue which has changed; it is the victim’s ear. Perhaps the greatest silver lining of their twisted mirroring is that since sociopaths only know how to echo back your own moral indignation, if you have been true to yourself, their projected accusations will always be baseless. The more absurd their words, the better, because it pushes the listener to transform into an advocate of self, sanity, and truth. When you root your convictions in the world as it truly is, they have no power. When they have no power, then you are free–and from their perspective, that is the worst thing of all, because then you are a rung up on them. =)
can I reprint this accurate summary?
Of course! Understanding what sociopaths are really up to is one of the best ways to avoid being caught in their deceptions. Please feel free to share this anywhere people could benefit.
I think you have hit on a great analogy. They hate it when you finally put the finger on them. They hate being exposed, and that is when you see the full extent of their rage! It’s probably the most dangerous time to be in a relationship with a spath. How many times have we seen on shows about murderers, that they murder their spouse just before or at the same time their house of cards is going to go down and they have no control over that. All the credit card bills are due, and the wife or husband will see the full picture of financial abuse they were unaware of, as one example. Or like Anthony’s story, when he finally confronts his wife about her infidelity. They can’t fool you anymore, so they go into damage control in order to maintain their facade with other people that know you. Often they have done a pre-emptive strike, and the smear campaign has already started. They will always act this way because 1. They are angry that you outed them, so you must be punished, and 2. They have to maintain their power and their power is based on the mask. To maintain the mask, they must take you out first by the smear campaign.
This happened to me with my younger sister. I was having a normal phone conversation with her, when she made a remark about our mother, and I said something to the effect of, no I don’t believe that, and the next thing I knew she was SCREAMING at me over the phone something about our mother making her suicidal! Nothing like this had ever happened before! She hung up on me, and I felt very bad that I upset her because I had NO intention of doing such a thing. I called her back, and her young son picked up the phone (he was no more than six years old at the time) and I said, oh honey I was just talking to your mom and she got very upset, and he said to me “yeah, her mother!”
Next thing I knew, she grabbed the phone away from him and started screaming at me “how dare I talk to her child!” and hung up on me again. I was totally bewildered and wondered WTF just happened????? It was telling to me how her very young son had reacted to this, cool, collected, and blase like this happens often! And then I was very disturbed that she had screamed something about committing suicide with her young son within earshot!!
I figured, I know I did not do anything wrong here, but I am going to bite the bullet because I am sorry that whatever I said got her so upset. I decided to send her some flowers. The response to my flowers was not quite what I was expecting. She sent me a note saying that her husband thought the flowers were very nice (his family is in the florist biz) and that my gesture would go along way toward her thinking about forgiving me!!
It was no more than a month later when she started her smear campaign against me with my other sister, and sent me a bizarre, terse email stating:
“It is too disturbing to speak with you until you get control over your alcoholism.”
Now, since I am not nor have ever been an alcoholic, it was another WTF just happened???
The pertinent information here is that SHE is a recovering alcoholic! Now the reason I may not have sounded quite like myself is that I was going through excruciating pain with endometriosis. Since I was so ill, her email was something that emotionally blind-sided me, and I really had no way to respond to something like that!
Later I found out that this is about the same time she tried to convince my other sister that I was an alcoholic, and she believed her!! Now that was a serious mind-f*ck!!
How could she convince my sister of something that was not even remotely true? Well, she did it. Her powers of manipulation and persuasion were off the charts! And she has not spoken to me since. Birthday presents sent to my nephews get no response. She just began to act like i had never existed, like the silent treatment on steroids.
It has taken me years to understand that she has borderline personality disorder, although she is a psychiatrist, which is really frightening! Her mask slipped with me during that phone call, and instead of having an adult conversation about it, I think she became afraid
that I might tell my other sister what had happened. So she took out the threat by starting her smear campaign.
I think she realized that I could not be manipulated early on, and took the opportunity when I was weakened by my illness as the perfect time to take me out, especially since I live in a different state from both sisters, so there was no way to connect except by phone or email, and that clearly was not going to happen. She cannot trust someone she can’t manipulate, in her paranoid version of the world!
Anthony
You sound like a very loving human being, and very trusting one. Never lose those qualities in yourself.
We are all here to a large part because we experienced similar situations, or similar life altering experiences.
There were a few things you pointed out that really stood out. 1) your remark about how she changed in an instant, the snarl on the lips, the black eyes, the rage. I saw and confronted this so many times. It feels evil. Its cold, dark, and horrible. When its aimed at you, sometimes you lose your step because its simply that frightening. I remember it well.
Narciccism…terrible word that, and living with someone who has three to four of these behaviors rolled into one is a terrifying human experience. Do we wonder why we suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
I watched a man turn this switch on and off for 10 years. Go from one person to another in a matter of seconds, I feared for my life a long time. Now I don’t.
The “aftermath” post break up conversations, where you try to convey the pain you are suffering in some hope there would be even a glimmer of recognition that you paid the price for them. And, you get absolutely nothing or a rather flippant comment, which can then send you into another tailspin. That remark about the weight you shed really stuck with me. I remember talking long distance internationally and telling this person who called to have something sent to him, that I was on the verge of suicide. He nervously laughed and then said, “I have bad days too you know!”.
Im so glad you are here to share your story, it helps those of us that can feel lost in the ether, by confirming, and it brings people forward who may be experiencing the same, and are lost in the abyss.
When you smile now, you’ve earned it, its a serious smile in a way, a smile of deep knowledge, and confirmation. Life can be beautiful again. One step at time, moving forward.
Anthony,
thank you so much for writing you story…..you have written so articulatately about your experiences….it made me feel so sad for all you have been through..i think your an amazing person to have gone through so much and yet to have held your heart strong in character……god is truely with you and that light will always guide you out of the darkness…keep following it and may each day bring you closer to true peace.
you have help me alot by just reading your experience….i searched for answers just like you……i found lovefraud and read books and soaked up every bit of information..untill i realised yes the person i had spend 16 years of my life with was a sociopath…….and it was all a lie…..it devasted my life……its 3 years on and im still trying to recover……thank you for the clear facts in your part 4..again it made me see face to face what i too went through too just like you and what this person did to me……at this point in time im still struggling to come to terms with the after effects…..today i received a letter from my ex…..it would be what you would call her projecting letter……she basically told me im the one who had abused her for years,due to the fact i was abused as a child………..and told me she wanted nothing more to do with me,she had moved on,she didnt think about me and didnt want me anywhere near her,that she didnt want my anger in her life….it was a letter full of abuse and cruel accusations like so many i have received from her………..i sat once again in tears reading it…………..but something was different this time……….because i cried yet after i got up and went on about my day,you see i see her,i know who she is,i know what she is,i know what she is doing………..and i know why she has discarded me……….because i know what she is and she cant use me anymore and she cant play her mind games with me anymore……its terrible to find out you never knew someone at all…when you gave everything.
there are givers in life and there are takers…my ex would have been the first person to say………………she was a taker……and i was the giver…..i thought we were the perfect couple for so long…but now i know i was duped!
lifting the veil,
I’m sorry that your ex keeps finding ways to hurt you.Ironic that she wants nothing to do with you~yet she’s the one writing!She doesn’t “think about you” but she keeps writing you.I think she’s really POed that you’re NC with her! 🙂
Anthony
Thanks for writing this article. I found myself shaking my head in agreement many times. Although, I like everybody else have been involved with one. You related your experience with great detail and enough depth to convey how totally foreign and alien these experiences(people) are. I wish I could go back to “before the spath” and read your story. I wonder what I would think from that perspective. Unfortunately, I can’t. Spath I was with recently said, ” I do some bad things and some good things”. I guess he thinks the good cancels the lies, cheating, manipulation,gaslighting, etc. Wow…what rationalization. They really have no clue how to “be”.
Thanks for this twoviolets, I found it very helpful
Its not exactly the same as what MY s/path “girlfriend” did to me but many similarities.I could relate.As I ve said on here before…I tried to help her with rent for her apartment that she was supposed to be sharing with an older(60) roommate lady….who she arranged for me to meet-which I did….turned out to be a great scam.In fact she was moving in with a guy.I was working and didn t go into the apartment after that…I thought great—a place to stay with a nice lady who could influence her.Instead it was a guy with a long record …and only after snooping and investigating found out the truth.After I confronted her,she accused me of stalking,being immature and having insecurity issues.But as I texted her adios she laughed and said I was obviously too stupid to figure it all out earlier.I said lies are hard to prove…which is the truth.A lot of things didn t seem kosher but to get definitive proof is not easy.Since then(a year ago)she s been arrested twice and been the domestically assaulted by the guy she was cheating on me with.He went to jail for two months.I have had no contact with her…though she tried calling me to bail her out of jail for stealing.I wouldn t accept the call.Quite an adventure in sociopathic training for me…and a few thousand poorer (though not an amount that was debilitating)…I survived and my eyes are wide open.Indeed-I have learnedmylesson.