Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader “Winifred” contributed the following article. She also wrote The Other Prey — loving someone previously married to a sociopath.
My husband’s ex wife is a sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Here are tips on how, over the past 9 years, I have learned to stay one step ahead of her and survive with my sanity and our marriage!
1. Do your homework
Remember even though you are nothing like them, you must learn to think like them so that you can anticipate their mindset and next deviant move. What they are going thru in their life at the present time will greatly affect how much hell they plan to rain on you, your children involved, or anyone close to you.
To stay ahead of their next move, get to know personal things about them—anniversaries, birthdays, benchmark dates, etc. ”¦ their moods will be elevated on these days even more than usual. Valentines Day, the day they separated, etc. ”¦ huge key days.
Info can be found on Internet sites from the yellow pages (Intelius), to local courts where they reside or have resided. I have learned that every action—from divorce, marriage, death, birth, and lawsuits against someone—are public knowledge. You just have to go to the court building in the area and ask.
My husband’s ex swore to the church she joined—and defrauded 24K out of—that she was never married before their marriage. Yet she had a son (claims she was raped) and was married 2 times before their marriage, and to her son’s father! Needless to say, the church found out the truth, but it took them 2 years to put her out.
2. Cut out drama
Remember sociopaths feed on drama, so whenever you have to take action, do it with the least amount of drama and show possible…even though you’d love to gloat for a time. Do it privately.
3. Watch your words
Be very careful of whom you talk to in your inner circle. Remember, they know your acquaintances and can con anything out of them. As ‘normal’ human beings, we are very unsuspecting prey until we have to deal with a sociopath for a long time. No one I know, including myself in the beginning, is prepared for what they bring to your life!
4. Think before you act
When you do have to act ”¦ think it over, don’t act on impulse or emotion. Use your head, sleep on it. Remember, you have to determine their reaction and next move with your decision ”¦ and what it will cost you or the children in the long term, not immediately.
5. Children as pawns
Prepare yourself as much as possible if you have children with a sociopath ”¦ especially if they have physical custody. Your children will definitely be used as pawns; their minds will be screwed with 24/7. All of this time their sociopath parent will prevail as the “victim” when it is really the children. Sociopath parents sometimes pass on the gene, stay as strong in yourself as best you can. (Ask God for help.) Don’t ever give up on your children; you are the only normal parent they have.
6. Document Everything Always
Be prepared when you go to court. Take paperwork and proof of any of your actions and claims ”¦ they will cry, con the judge, the lawyers, and will lie and get away with it almost all of the time. Remember, courts do not recognize sociopath parents ”¦ especially mothers. Document Everything Always!!!
7. Always have a witness
Never, never be alone with the sociopath ”¦ always have a witness to everything ”¦ record all phone calls regularly, and keep them for your files. We bought a small pocket recorder that my husband carried in his shirt pocket or jacket. It can serve as proof in court or when dealing with the lawyers.
8. Keep your guard up
Don’t get comfortable and think everything is ok, it is Not ”¦ that’s when they’ll pounce!
9. You may not be able to save the children
Lastly, if you have children involved, prepare yourself as much as humanly possible for the fact that when they become young adults and from then on ”¦ they may never come around to having any kind of relationship with you. They will be brainwashed and each relationship with your children is different. You can spend you life doing the right thing as a parent, and no matter how disappointing and frustrating, you may end up with adult children that despise you.
Move forward with your life and find someone who is very strong willed as a partner. It is possible to be happy again ”¦ we are!
A year later and number 3 is still a reality in my life.
Manipulation of family members, friends and employers.
They know no bounderies.
Ryan961
Once you have made it clear to family members and friends that she is a sociopath and lying with every word, it is up to them to hang up or cut her off bluntly without any attention given to her. They will probably NEVER truly understand her evilness like you do, but they do owe you the courtesy to ignore her and continue their relationship with you…if they don’t stand by you once you explain, I believe you haven’t lost much to begin with! Explain to them that ANY ATTENTION given to her, positive or negative is attention and she will feed on their every word. Stay positive…Don’t give her what she wants….! Good Luck Ryan
I think this is very good advice period, though it becomes crucial to follow this plan when a disordered person has control over your life.
It took a lot for me to “get” the reality of my marriage (thick skull). I am still working on getting the reality of my unsatisfying relationships with my children. They are now grown, and one says she loves me (I want to believer her) but she is so rude and contemptuous of me and won’t discuss anything, says I was never there for her but I am not allowed to explain, or ask for clarifications, or defend myself. Her behavior towards me is exceptionally painful (thin skin) In my memory, I thought I was a devoted mom. I think what I did was not appreciated, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t parent them. I don’t know what “never there for her” means and she refuses to discuss it. I was a stay at home mom, and make sure they were involved in lots of activities, school sports, community events, vacations, camps, lots of celebrations b/c birthdays and victory celebrations after soccer games, always homecooked breakfast before school, dinner as a family at night, helped with homework. I rack my brain to try to understand where I failed to be there for her. Something must have happened that she blames me for, but I don’t know what it was. While my husband was cruel and abusive to me, he was not that way to the kids.
ThickSkull – it sounds like your daughter may be blaming unfairly. Unfortunately, it is possible that your daughter may have inherited some of your ex-husband’s traits.
Thickskullthinskin,
I have seen 1st hand how my husband’s children treat him, it is horrible and inconsiderate. I have to say though, in his case it is partially his own doing because he parents out of GUILT(huge mistake) and has NEVER taught them that there is consequences for their actions, now at almost 18 and 22 yrs old they are clueless and don’t give a damn. They have chosen to become their mother and believe that we as society owe them big time, and that my husband and I should have to support their every whim and want along with their mother’s wants for the rest of our lives. HE has never commanded respect from them from day one and their shallowness, entitlement, and arrogance has been taught to them by the best…their “mother”! I realize that there is a lot of things that have happened that my husband has no control over….but a huge part of him obviously doesn’t believe he deserves their love and respect…so he will never get it. In my writing when I say “Never give up on your children”, what I actually mean is….always be open to being willing to listen to them even as adults they are still your children, but, don’t let them destroy you or your happiness, and change who you are….if you have been the best parent you can be, they should respect you . It is very painful and unfortunate when our children grow up and turn out like their sociopath parent, but it is not our job or duty to change them…it is impossible. My husbands 2 kids do not speak to him…they used to call him only when they wanted something new, expensive or $, I put a stop to that. His b’day was 6/18 and he didn’t hear a peep from either adult child or for father’s day either, but he has taught them how to treat him, and his fear of their mother, and losing their love which he has never had paralyzes him.
They will continue to do whatever works for them….and if he chooses to accept any morsel thrown his way sparingly than that is his choice, if he doesn’t believe he’s worth respect, they sure the hell aren’t going to give it to him. The “love” he believes they have is very conditional….on the $ he forks out, the gifts they get no matter how he is treated ect….
We teach people how to treat us, and this is what they have been taught, on top of the lies and manipulation their sociopath mother has imbedded in them. The one thing that I can never understand about relationships is once we realize that the person we have chosen to be with , marry or have children with is a pyscho…why have any more children with them….why do this to another child? My husband knew when his son was 4yrs old she was a psycho, and then they “planned on how to have a baby girl” and his daughter was born? Now at 63 he is paying child support for a child that despises him and has No contact with him. LISTEN UP EVERYONE…..once you realize that the other person is a pscho…..stop having sex with them…no more innocent people should be hurt, and since is is genetic, no more sociopaths need to be added to the “human Race”! The sociopath will trap you or convince you to have more children……Don’t be a fool!
TSTS
My SP sis had a traumatic experience in her teens and blamed our Mum (who never knew) for “not protecting” her. Mum could do no right.
IMO your daughter IS blaming you unfairly and HAS inherited some of your ex-husbands traits.
She is displaying an internal rage directed at you for some unknown reason. Hurtful as her behaviour might be, DO NOT own her rage, that belongs to her. Don’t try to explain, justify or clarify, but ask calmly “what happened” to her and “when exactly were you never there for her?” Tell her (without blame or guilt) you “didn’t know” and you’re “sorry she feels that way/that happened, but we all have needs and you will continue to be the good mum you are and always have been”.
If she says you should know without asking, tell her, “talented as I am, I cannot read other’s minds.”
Be strong and know you are beautiful.
Thank you Winifred for your advice. I’m sure many Lovefraud readers will find it helpful.
My husband ex wife is also a sociopath. The past 5 years have been probably the hardest of my life. But I knew she had a mental disorder when I married my husband. He told me she was off her rocker. I just didnt realize she was a sociopath who couldn’t be cured. When I first married my husband, I entered the most dysfunctional situation I had ever seen. No one was caring for children. My husband was working all the time since his ex sociopathic wife didnt work and neither did her husband she remarried. So they lived off my husband $3500 a month child support and also the sociopath received $3000 from her wealthy mother. The children saw my husband on wknds before I married him and moved in. When they weren’t with him they staying at the sociopaths sister, she pawned them off on anyone she could. These children had no stable home. So when I saw the crazy living situation. I really felt compelled to not only help them to have a more stable home life but my husband to see and be more a part of his kids life. I know he felt sad about his lack of doing all he could to save them from such instability. He is a wonderful man, but I do believe he had somewhat given up. He had to work to pay bills as child support and his ex was always asking for more money for kids. He would give it to her because he was so emotionally beat up that to confront her on anything was just to exhausting. Even tho he knew the kids weren’t staying with her 95% of the time she said they were.
So when I first moved in I was in shock at everything . It was the first time I actually saw how bad it was. My daughter from a previous marriage was only 5 years old. So I worried if this situation would negatively effect her. I felt that it could not if I fixed the dysfunction and made my husband house a home. I wanted my daughter to be in a stable environment and I wanted my
Husbands kids to be in a stable environment. My husband had a big home, the kids rooms were upstairs and they were bare except for a bed and a few knick knacks. They always slept on the couch or with their dad in his room when they came over. Not on my watch tho. I went out and bought new sheets, comforters that matched their personalities and as crazy as it sounds I got them medium size flat screens. The playroom beside their room smelt so bad because the ex spath would lock her 3 dogs in there and the room was infested with dog pee and poop. So I just hired someone to pull up nasty carpet and replaced with clean me carpet. I hung pictures up. I made their rooms, a place they actually felt comfortable sleeping in. The playroom I made a fun room. It was actually a play room with a tv and DVD player so they could have movie nights on wknds.
When they saw all the changes that had been made they LOVED IT! It was like the first time someone did something for them that was genuine. These kids don’t go with out by far! But things were bought for them like Nintendo ds’s, iPads, toys, anything to keep them busy so they wouldn’t bother their mom or whoever they were staying with. I think they are not evil kids like their mom. They are very sweet kids. I gave them attention,picked them up on time at school, and my daughter loved them. She didnt like having to share my attention with them and acted out but she loved having kids to play with. All was going pretty good. Even tho I knew the sociopath would randomly go to the kids school (all 3 kids went to same school) and only go up there to tell staff that I was arrested for prostitution in Ohio (I have never been to Ohio and never been a prostitute or arrested). This is when she first started her smear campaign against me. She really didnt know tho that the kids had been staying with us as much as they had been. But the spaths mother who also kept alot would call me and say kids want to be with y’all. So I would get them. Obviously the spaths mom knew she was crazy so we just didnt tell her. Craziest thing about it would be how the kids would be with us and she would text my husband and say “I have kids with me and ***** says she need new shoes and something for whatever and ******* says he needs to finish a science project so can u drop me off about $500 so I can get for them?” This is when my husband was not shocked but hurt because he saw her for what she was. He knew what a cheating lying bad human being she was but he so wanted to believe that she was good when it came to the children. He realized she wasn’t. She not cared about anyone but herself. It hurt him to see that everything had been a lie, since their divorce, it hurt him because he felt bad that the kids had really been neglected the whole time and he believed her all those times when she said she was with them and turns out they hadn’t been with her ever. He knew it was a lie because that day the kids were with us cuz I picked them up from their grandmothers. So he told her. “H**L NO!!! The kids are with us!” He called her out on being a dirty liar and all hell broke loose. She was not use to him saying no and she wasnt use to being caught or confronted on her lies. She was a horrible mother but she had an obsession with the status quo. She wanted people to believe she was a great mom, wanted a mother of the year reward.
It’s been hell since then. She did not care that her kids were happy and finally living in a stable environment, she was actually livid and angry that when she did get them she found out that they liked me and liked staying with dad. I think she thought that my goal was to “out mother” her. What an idiot. She was unable to see that I also had a child and wanted my child to have stability and I saw my husbands kids being passed around from relative to relative, I felt bad for them. It would be hard to have to go to school everyday, not knowing who u would be staying with that night. So her smear campaign became even worse. Of course she just wasnt speaking to me, at the time I didnt know she was a sociopath, I thought her actions were because she was on a number of hard core prescription drugs that made her pass out for days and she was a bad mom cuz of that. I really didnt understand what a sociopath was then and it never crossed my mind. I really thought her behavior was so horrendous because of drugs. I didnt know people neglected their kids and lied for more money just because they were selfish cruel callous beings. Now it’s been almost 5 years and its been hell. Because since I married her ex, and all the sudden set boundaries, it’s my fault she doesn’t get the extra $1500-2000 she use to get because she lied about needing it for kids. She only gets her $3500 monthly. But she knows it was me who made her ex husband happy (which even tho she cheated and left him she wanted him to be miserable). She hated the fact the children liked their step mom, and ask to go to their dads. She despised me for doing for her kids what she WOULD NOT DO! And DID NOT WANT TO DO. I think it was sheer laziness on her part. I will say things have been better the past 8 months. Only because I have learned to ignore it all. She writes about me online and says I am unstable and jealous of her and insecure. That stuff use to make me angry and I would react and respond and by doing that she somehow made me out to look like this mean crazy person who was “bullying” her. So I learned my lesson. She wasnt going to stop spreading lies, she would vilify me if I tried to defend myself. So I just ignore it and I don’t get online and look at her twitter or Facebook to see what lie she is telling this wk. all I can do is focus on the things I can control like myself and my daughter and husband. When kids are with us i do not ever speak bad about their mother and I never will. She speaks horribly about me, calling me a whore, telling them I am mentally unstable and I am using their dad and keeping them away from him. Because she half the time has an excuse when it’s our wknd for why they can’t come, probably tells them tho “dad said he can’t get y’all this wknd”. It’s so frustrating but I do believe the kids are smart and seeing that WE NEVER SPEAK BAD OF THEIR MOM BUT THEIR MOM CAN’T STOP SPEAKING BADLY ABOUT US. They aren’t there yet but I do think they are getting to that point of questioning who is really the POS In the situation. I have distanced myself some because so much stress but if the kids call me and need anything I am always there for them. That’s all I can do in this situation. It really is so ugly and dysfunctional. But since my husband bought the kids phones to be able to call us ( they are 11 and 14). He also has decided NO CONTACT ANYMORE WITH THE EX SPATH. Which has really enraged her.. And guess who she blames and torments for it ?!? Me….
And so sorry for the long post. I had to get some of that off my chest. I am sure there are way worse situations. Although my post seem endless I actually left out alot. Point blank the crazy sociopath no longer cares to make her ex husbands life miserable. I AM THE NEW TARGET AND HAVE BEEN FOR 4 years and she has made life hell. But I am learning more everyday of how to cope and not go insane
Winifred – your advice was much appreciated and very good. So thank u!
Kay, kudos to you for being so strong and taking on this nutbar and standing beside your hubby and his kids. When I met my bf I warned him about what he was getting into and that he may become a target but he didn’t care. I’m not sure he really ‘got it’ at that point. The ex-spath has actually been pretty good with him. I think it’s because he’s a MAN. The ex loves to torment women…he thinks he’s way above us and expects us all to be ‘scared’ of him. Ha!
I wish I had some advice for you beyond gray rocking the crazy biatch! Learning not to care about what they say about you is key. There is no reasoning with these psychos and nothing you say will make her stop. Eventually she’ll find another victim because you’ll be too boring…I HOPE. I pray you find peace. I pray I do too. all of us need it and deserve it. I wish Karma didn’t take so long to catch up with these rejects of nature. I have never wished death on anyone…until I discovered my ex was a sociopath. It’s the only way we’ll ever be FREE.
I think that there is no such thing as a guilt free parent…especially when trying to raise kids with a sociopath. I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying,
“I am finally seeing that I was going through a lot more than I ever realized while you were growing up and I am sorry for any part I played in making, or allowing anything that made, you feel unsafe or unloved. I do love you very much and I am very hopeful that the two of us can build a new relationship based on kindness and work at building that to a respectful understanding. For now, I am very happy when I spend time with you. And I would be ecstatic if we would make sure we speak to each other with the highest regard possible. Does that sound good to you?”
Children often will “take it out” on the safer parent because they are aware the spath or narcissist does not love them. If one parent came closer to showing sincere love, the daughter or son of the spath may want to vent on them because the spath scares them or they know they can not work on their childhood issues with the spath.
Kay, consider yourself blessed because your husband’s kids responded to your attention in a positive way, and you were able to reach them, my husbands kids hate me, their sociopath “mother” never let then get 1 step ahead in their relationship with their father or me. When they would come to visit on weekends she would interrupt their visits by calling our home 27 times daily, when I unplugged the phone she got them cell phones and called constantly….they also were brainwashed into calling her with every step we took to “report in”! No matter what we(I) did for them it wasn’t good enough. nor will it EVER BE! They followed their mothers footsteps and told horrific lies right along with her! They are now 17 and 22 and have nothing to do with my husband….they have told him ,”when he divorces me, they will speak to him then!” This will never happen, so I guess I will just sit back and enjoy the silence….the last 9 years haven been pure hell!. My husband’s ex collects his SS, even though he hasn’t even retired yet, along with child support and SSI. She is only 52, but claims to be “disabled”, and has convinced a doctor so, she receives benefits. Because she is “disabled” she is eligible for his SS now at 52. She brings in over $2400.00 monthly is SSI and SS alone, not including child support, has never worked, never will and is proud of it. She knows how to buck the system out of anything she can, and is a pro at playing the victim, and getting whatever she can from different churches she joins….once they find out she’s lied and throw her out, she moves on to the next church. The kids preach ‘Jesus” out of one side of their mouths, while they tell horrible untruths out of the other side. I guess the lesson in all of this is……once you realize you are with a sociopath…get out, don’t keep having children with them, Children Don’t fix this ever! Now he has 2 adults released into society that have the same tendencies as their “mother”! God help us all!
This article has some very good reminders about what to do when dealing with a sociopath. My favorite is to “never let your guard down.” It is so easy to let my guard down when he is sad or loving. But, I have learned that he will always rebound and make me a target. I actually feel very uncomfortable when he acts loving lately. I guess I have now learned enough that I can FEEL it is not genuine at all.