I write you this letter to explain something to you. You have a serious personality disorder whose very symptoms, paradoxically, may leave you unaware that you have it.
Or”¦you may be “aware” of your disorder in an “intellectual” sense but, consequent to your disorder, you lack appropriate alarm and shame over its expression.
People who do not have your disorder, if they were told they had it (and of its nature), would feel extremely unnerved, shamed, to hear this feedback.
You, on the other hand, neither feel, nor react, with expected levels of uneasiness to learn of your disorder. Your reactions, expressing either calm indifference and striking unperturbedness, or, alternatively, possibly rageful defensiveness, merely add credence to the diagnosis.
You were probably not “born” with this disorder, but it’s also probable that you brought a biological tendency to it, whose eventual emergence your upbringing probably encouraged, or elicited.
It seems likely that histories of abuse, neglect and trauma encourage the development of this disorder in individuals who, like yourself, are prone to it.
It is rare, although not impossible, that this disorder would emerge in its fullblown state from childhoods that are genuinely nurturing, secure, and free of emotional and physical abuse.
Your disorder is called a number of different names that can be confusing, among them sociopath, psychopath, antisocial personality disorder, malignant narcissist, and more informal names. Although there may be some useful distinctions between these terms, the confusion they produce probably exceeds the usefulness of these distinctions.
More important are the common elements between them, which describe a similar phenomenon—a human being like yourself who, while intellectually aware of common standards and laws of “right and wrong,” nonetheless grossly, chronically violates the boundaries and integrity of others with deficient remorse, deficient empathy, a deficient sense of accountability and, typically, with an attitude of contempt or indifference towards the experience, and suffering, of those he’s violated.
You might recognize yourself in this description, but you may not. If you do, as I’ve suggested, your recognition of yourself as having this disorder will produce a notably inappropriate response.
But if you don’t recognize yourself from this description, it’s likely to be a function of more than just your denial. Rather, your failure to see yourself, truly, as a sociopath probably reflects, to an extent, an aforementioned feature of your disorder: I refer again to your deficient empathy, as a consequence of which you are actually incapable of feeling more than superficial, transient concern about, and remorse for, your hurtful impact on others.
It is possible that hurting others is a primary goal, but it’s also likely that hurting others is a byproduct of your primary aim (and pattern) of taking something from others that doesn’t belong to you.
In other words you may, or may not, intentionally seek to hurt others, but in either case your condition leaves you depleted of normal, inhibiting levels of compassion, sympathy and empathy towards others.
Your disorder has other essential features. The reason you can take from people, steal from them—their money, their dignity, sometimes their lives—and suffer so neglibly, if at all, from your abuse of them, is that you do not respect them.
Your condition fundamentally leaves you with a characterological disrespect of others.
You view the world as a competition ground for gratification. People around you are thus players in this metaphorical drama”¦.players from whom your principal inclination is to take, cajole, exploit and manipulate whatever it is that will leave you, not them, in a more comfortable, satiated condition.
You feel that your gratification—your present security, status, satisfaction and entertainment—takes precedence over everyone else’s. Your gratification is simply more important than anything else.
In your mind, you are entitled to the gratification you seek—in whatever forms you presently seek it—even when it costs others a great deal of pain towards which, as we’ve established, you bring a disordered lack of empathy and concern.
This is a very twisted notion—specifically, the conviction that your gratification and its pursuit are virtually your inalienable right—a notion that supports the rationalizing of the chronic expression of your abusive, exploitive attitudes and behaviors towards others.
Finally, this make you an unrepentant boundary violator of others’ space.
I am willing to try and help you in some way, if I can, but as you may, or may not, know your disorder is notoriously unamenable to known treatments. But first I ask that you return to me the forty dollars we both know that you took from my desk drawer last week when I left you alone in my office for half a minute.
You did this once before, and because I had no proof, I could not be 100% certain you stole from me. But this time I counted my money before stepping out of my office, admittedly in case you stole from me again, allowing me proof of your theft.
And so I ask you to admit this when I see you next Tuesday, rather than play the foolish games that are often so indicative of your personality type.
Perhaps we can discuss this letter when I see you, or perhaps you took a quick look at it, laughed, and ripped it up. We will see.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Far
You are a better person. Consider him ancient history .If AA would allow you to be a part of what they do things would be different. He going to be told he is in a “pink cloud” another words, he will have no time for anything or anybody except AA. Sounds like you sacrificed for him a lot. Spaths love the attention be it from you or their new “friends” in AA. Doesn’t matter.
know that YOU are the better person
unwilling
This is where I part ways with the spaths I hear most about: The unsuccessful psychopath.
Mine is polar opposite. Same job for twenty five years. Owns his home and has for twelve.
He does it right financially, but not….he is incredibly in debt,
Thus new gf who can help pay the bills.
NOt all are out of work and living in basements or jumping job to job.
I got suckered by “success’.
LL
Hey LL check out this description. Fit my spath like a gllove.
Sociopathy, also called psychopathy, is a personality disorder characterized by deceit on a scale most of us cannot imagine. These men and women are not crazy; they know exactly what they are doing. Here is how Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., begins his book about psychopaths, Without Conscience:
“Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.”*
re sociopaths insane? Here’s how Dr. Robert Hare, who uses the term “psychopaths,” answers the question:
“Psychopaths do meet current legal and psychiatric standards for sanity. They understand the rules of society and the conventional meanings of right and wrong. They are capable of controlling their behavior, and they are aware of the potential consequences of their acts. Their problem is that this knowledge frequently fails to deter them from antisocial behavior.
“In my opinion, psychopaths certainly know enough about what they are doing to be held accountable for their actions.”*
* © 1993 by Robert D. Hare, PhD. Reprinted by permission of The Guilford Press.
According to Dr. Robert Hare, many sociopaths (he prefers the term “psychopaths”) behave in a way that is technically not illegal, but violates conventional ethical standards. Dr. Hare calls these cases “subcriminal.”
In his book, Without Conscience, he states:
“They appear to function reasonably well—as lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists, academics, mercenaries, police officers, cult leaders, military personnel, businesspeople, writers, artists, entertainers and so forth—without breaking the law, or at least without being caught and convicted. These individuals are every bit as egocentric, callous and manipulative as the average criminal psychopath; however, their intelligence, family background, social skills and circumstances permit them to construct a façade of normalcy and to get what they want with relative impunity.”*
The Inner Triangle
Dr. Leedom analyzed the criteria for antisocial personality disorder stated in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). She came to the conclusion that sociopaths have faulty development in three areas: ability to love, impulse control and moral reasoning.
“By definition, a sociopath is someone with impairment in all three of these abilities,” Dr. Leedom says. “Sociopaths are unable to love, have poor impulse control and exhibit immoral behavior.” Dr. Leedom calls these three areas the Inner Triangle.
Interestingly, she found that researchers in Great Britain, David Cooke and his colleagues, have developed a three-factor model of psychopathy. Dr. Leedom says the three factors in their model correspond to the three sides of the Inner Triangle.
Dr. Leedom believes the Inner Triangle also has implications for people with addiction, alcoholism and ADHD. There are genetic links between these disorders and sociopathy, she says.
Dr. Robert Hare’s Symptoms of Psychopaths
© 1993 by Robert D. Hare, PhD. Reprinted by permission of The Guilford Press.
Interpersonal traits
• Glib and superficial
• Egocentric and grandiose
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Lack of empathy
• Deceitful and manipulative
• Shallow emotions
Antisocial lifestyle
• Impulsive
• Poor behavior controls
• Need for excitement
• Lack of responsibility
• Early behavior problems
• Adult antisocial behavior
• The complete picture
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Glib and superficial
Psychopaths are often witty and articulate. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a quick and clever comeback, and can tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.
Typically, psychopaths attempt to appear experts in sociology, psychiatry, medicine, psychology, philosophy, poetry, literature, art or law. A signpost to this trait is often a smooth lack of concern at being found out that they are not.
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Egocentric and grandiose
Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their self-worth and importance, a truly astounding egocentricity and sense of entitlement. They see themselves as the center of the universe, as superior beings who are justified in living according to their own rules.
Psychopaths are seldom embarrassed about their legal, financial or personal problems. Rather, they see them as temporary setbacks, the results of bad luck, unfaithful friends or an unfair and incompetent system.
Psychopaths feel that their abilities will enable them to become anything they want to be. Given the right circumstances—opportunity, luck, willing victims—their grandiosity can pay off spectacularly. For example, the psychopathic entrepreneur “thinks big,” but it’s usually with someone else’s money.
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Lack of remorse or guilt
Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be concerned.
Psychopaths’ lack of remorse or guilt is associated with a remarkable ability to rationalize their behavior and to shrug off personal responsibility for actions that cause shock and disappointment to family, friends, associates and others who have played by the rules. Usually they have handy excuses for their behavior, and in some cases they deny that it happened at all.
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Lack of empathy
The feelings of other people are of no concern to psychopaths. Psychopaths view people as little more than objects to be used for their own gratification. The weak and the vulnerable—whom they mock, rather than pity—are favorite targets.
Psychopaths display a general lack of empathy. They are indifferent to the rights and suffering of family members and strangers alike. If they do maintain ties with their spouses or children it is only because they see their family members as possessions, much like their stereos or automobiles.
Because of their inability to appreciate the feelings of others, some psychopaths are capable of behavior that normal people find not only horrific but baffling. For example, they can torture and mutilate their victims with about the same sense of concern that we feel when we carve a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
However, except in movies and books, very few psychopaths commit crimes of this sort. Their callousness typically emerges in less dramatic, though still devastating, ways: parasitically bleeding other people of their possessions, savings and dignity; aggressively doing and taking what they want; shamefully neglecting the physical and emotional welfare of their families; engaging in an unending series of casual, impersonal and trivial sexual relationships; and so forth.
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Deceitful and manipulative
Lying, deceiving and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths. Given their glibness and the facility with which they lie, it is not surprising that psychopaths successfully cheat, bilk, defraud, con and manipulate people and have not the slightest compunction about doing so. They are often forthright in describing themselves as con men, hustlers or fraud artists. Their statements often reveal their belief that the world is made up of “givers and takers,” predators and prey, and that it would be very foolish not to exploit the weaknesses of others.
Some of their operations are elaborate and well thought out, whereas others are quite simple: stringing along several women at the same time, or convincing family members and friends that money is needed “to bail me out of a jam.” Whatever the scheme, it is carried off in a cool, self-assured, brazen manner.
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Shallow emotions
Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at times they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling. Careful observers are left with the impression that they are play-acting and that little is going on below the surface.
Laboratory experiments using biomedical recorders have shown that psychopaths lack the physiological responses normally associated with fear. The significance of this finding is that, for most people, the fear produced by threats of pain or punishment is an unpleasant emotion and a powerful motivator of behavior. Not so with psychopaths; they merrily plunge on, perhaps knowing what might happen but not really caring.
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Impulsive
Psychopaths are unlikely to spend much time weighing the pros and cons of a course of action or considering the possible consequences. “I did it because I felt like it,” is a common response.
More than displays of temper, impulsive acts often result from an aim that plays a central role in most of the psychopath’s behavior: to achieve immediate satisfaction, pleasure or relief. So, family members, employers and co-workers typically find themselves standing around asking themselves what happened—jobs are quit, relationships broken off, plans changed, houses ransacked, people hurt, often for what appears to be little more than a whim.
Psychopaths tend to live day-to-day and to change their plans frequently. They give little serious thought to the future and worry about it even less.
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Poor behavior controls
In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.
Although psychopaths have a “hair trigger” and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths “blow their stack” it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are “cold;” they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper.
It’s not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation.
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Need for excitement
Psychopaths have an ongoing and excessive need for excitement—they long to live in the fast lane or “on the edge,” where the action is. In many cases the action involves breaking the rules.
Some psychopaths use a wide variety of drugs as part of their general search for something new and exciting, and they often move from place to place and job to job searching for a fresh buzz. Many psychopaths describe “doing crime” for excitement or thrills.
The flip side of this yearning for excitement is an inability to tolerate routine or monotony. Psychopaths are easily bored. You are not likely to find them engaged in occupations or activities that are dull, repetitive or that require intense concentration over long periods.
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Lack of responsibility
Obligations and commitments mean nothing to psychopaths. Their good intentions—”I’ll never cheat on you again”—are promises written on the wind.
Truly horrendous credit histories, for example, reveal the lightly taken debt, the shrugged-off loan, the empty pledge to contribute to a child’s support. The irresponsibility and unreliability of psychopaths extend to every part of their lives. Their performance on the job is erratic, with frequent absences, misuse of company resources, violations of company policy, and general untrustworthiness. They do not honor formal or implied commitments to people, organizations or principles.
Indifference to the welfare of children—their own as well as those of a man or woman they happen to be living with at the time—is a common theme among psychopaths. Psychopaths see children as an inconvenience. Typically, they leave children on their own for extended periods or in the care of unreliable sitters.
Psychopaths are frequently successful in talking their way out of trouble—”I’ve learned my lesson;” “You have my word that it won’t happen again;” “It was simply a big misunderstanding;” “Trust me.” They are almost as successful in convincing the criminal justice system of their good intentions and their trustworthiness. Although they frequently manage to obtain probation, a suspended sentence or early release from prison, they simply ignore the conditions imposed by the courts.
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Early behavior problems
Most psychopaths begin to exhibit serious behavioral problems at an early age. These might include persistent lying, cheating, theft, fire setting, truancy, class disruption, substance abuse, vandalism, violence, bullying, running away and precocious sexuality. Because many children exhibit some of these behaviors at one time or another, especially children raised in violent neighborhoods or in disrupted or abusive families, it is important to emphasize that the psychopaths’s history of such behaviors is more extensive and serious than that of most others, even when compared with those of siblings and friends raised in similar settings.
Early cruelty to animals is usually a sign of serious emotional or behavioral problems. Cruelty to other children—including siblings—is often part of the young psychopaths’s inability to experience the sort of empathy that checks normal people’s impulses to inflict pain, even when enraged.
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Adult antisocial behavior
Psychopaths consider the rules and expectations of society inconvenient and unreasonable, impediments to their inclinations and wishes. They make their own rules, both as children and as adults.
Many of the antisocial acts of psychopaths lead to criminal convictions. Even within prison populations psychopaths stand out, largely because their antisocial and illegal activities are more varied and frequent than are those of other criminals.
Not all psychopaths end up in jail. Many of the things they do escape detection or prosecution, or are on the “shady side of the law.” For them, antisocial behavior may consist of phony stock promotions, questionable business and professional practices, spouse or child abuse, and so forth. Many others do things that, although not illegal, are unethical, immoral or harmful to others: philandering, cheating on a spouse, financial or emotional neglect of family members, irresponsible use of company resources or funds, to name but a few. The problem with behaviors of this sort is that they are difficult to document and evaluate without the active cooperation of family, friends, acquaintances and business associates.
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The complete picture
Psychopaths are not the only ones who lead socially deviant lifestyles. For example, many criminals have some of the characteristics described above, but because they are capable of feeling guilt, remorse, empathy and strong emotions, they are not considered psychopaths. A diagnosis of psychopathy is made only when there is solid evidence that the individual matches the complete profile—that is, has most of the above symptoms.
Sizing up the mark
Sociopaths never hesitate to exploit a vulnerability Who does the sociopath prey on?
Trustworthy
You’re an honest, forthright person. You take your obligations seriously. You would never dream of taking advantage of someone—so when a sociopath takes advantage of you, you won’t see it coming. If you play by the rules, know this: Sociopaths don’t.
Nurturing
“Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to spot and use ‘nurturant’ women—that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others,” says Dr. Robert Hare. These women often work as nurses, counselors and social workers. They tend to look for the goodness in others and overlook faults. Is that you? Watch out.
Committed
When you give your word, it’s good as gold. You see yourself as a good wife or good husband, loyal to your spouse. You stay the course, even when it looks like you’ve made a mistake. A sociopath will understand, and keep bleeding you until there’s nothing left.
Be especially suspicious if your beau has recently come to town from a distant location—sociopaths tend to move around a lot
unwilling,
do you have a link you can send me where you got this article?
I’d like to pass it on but not as a link from here.
LL, you really can’t know everything about your spath’s financial situation unless you speak to his wife.
My BIL is a cop and “owns” 2 homes, he also has a law degree. But he did it all with my sister’s stellar credit rating.
When he married her, he was a cop but had nothing to wear (so he wore his uniform pants when off duty), couldn’t get a credit card to save his life. Before that he was a meth addict (only reason I know is because I saw him with my spath and because of his teeth)
After he met her, he studied a book on how to fix your credit rating without paying the bills you owe. Got most of the stuff dismissed. With my sister’s help, he began to save and pay and fix his debt that he had left. She wouldn’t marry him unless he did this. Then he became ambitious and went to law school with hundreds of thousands in student loans. He purchased a house and kept it and purchased another, during the easy credit times. He has an abundance of energy and he has learned to focus it.
I know how he focuses it because I’ve seen my own worthless, shiftless spath focus his: PLAN A CON.
These freaks of nature have no desire to do anything other than CON and DESTROY. So, whenever they need to do ANYTHING, they focus their EVIL on that. If it’s part of a plan to CON OR DESTROY, they have boundless energy and FOCUS.
I’m convinced that my spath found this floundering EVIL METH addict and taught him this trick: “Choose what you want out of life and do it with evil intent. It makes it soooo much easier to get it done if you can imagine the suffering you will cause in the end.”
My sister, is also a spath. But she was never evil and focused until she met him. Then one day she said to me, “Skylar, I have figured out what to do when I’m sad. I just turn it into ANGER. When you’re angry, you can’t be sad.”
Who does that? A spath.
She is soooooooooooooooooooooo stupid that I’m sure she didn’t come up with that on her own. He taught her. She has told my mom other things that he taught her on a similar vein. Spaths are determined to turn other people into themselves. They want everyone to be and do evil. For that reason alone, we must resist. We can’t let them win.
Everyone,
you all need to see the movie, “The brothers bloom” to get how a con works and how the con artist thinks. It’s a romantic comedy. so it’s sociopathy “lite”, but very eye-opening.
Unwilling you summed up some of the best indicators of psychopathy in writing.
Sky, copy the article, then paste it into an e mail, then send it. I think she put together various quotes from different writers into one article.
Sigh.
Sky,
they are no longer married, have been divorced over a year now. What she knows is child support.
He’s heavily in debt, was afraid he was going to lose his house, although that didn’t stop his compulsive spending. He uses money to keep his kids on his side, disneyland dad stuff. I don’t know how he could continue to spend money like he had bazillions and not get further in debt. He use to tell me he consolidated credit cards and I know the house is mortgaged to the hilt. His new target had to have money. He wanted his bills paid off, or at least help with housing expenses as well as “adding new features” to his home.
LL
Unwilling.
Thank you for writing all of that out! I’ve read most of what you wrote. I have Dr. Hare’s book “without conscience” and Martha Stout’s “The Sociopath Next Door” and “Women Who Love Psychopaths”….etc etc etc. Most of that applies to my last spath too.
Bless your heart!
LL
Kimmy?
WHat’s the matter?