Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Winifred.” She previously wrote “The Other Prey loving someone previously married to a sociopath.”
I have just read the story from “Edward” entitled, My involvement with a female sociopath. My heart goes out to the people who are collateral damage from the wrath of a sociopath…male or female.
I would like to get the message out there that there is actually a way to recover from this hell, and after picking up the pieces and getting to know ourselves again, to find someone who has no evil agenda, someone who wants what we want! I have been with my husband for 10 years now, and we have been through it all! I believe that after the destruction, and reality sets in, when we begin to become whole and human again ”¦ we can find a real love to enjoy life with. We can be more cautious and reserved, but we shouldn’t lose ourselves, our dreams or our hopes because of what one “person” (and I use that word lightly) attempted to do to us.
It becomes even more difficult when children are a common factor, because we want the best for them, but the sociopath wants to use them as a pawn against us. In almost all cases, if we are forced to continue any kind of ties with our ex sociopaths, because of children or financial reasons, the sociopath will attempt to do whatever it takes to create drama and hell in our lives, and the lives of anyone involved. It takes a very, very strong, special person to be in a relationship and love someone who is fleeing from a ex sociopath.
Unified and strong
I know from first-hand experience ”¦ the relationship between my husband and I has to be unified and strong in the wake of whatever is thrown our way! I know in our case, having two different personalities helps. He is laid back and like deer in the headlights when she tries to manipulate him; I am like a locomotive heading her way. It took her years and years to finally get the fact that I am always steps ahead of her to avoid her wrath and path!
I do know, no matter who you pick as your next partner, they had better be strong willed and resilient at the same time or they will go crazy themselves. It takes a long time, but once the sociopath realizes that he or she cannot manipulate and control the new partner, eventually things will slow down. (They never go away totally.) I had to learn to be extra assertive, while keeping the drama to a minimum. (Sociopaths feed on drama.) If this role is not established from the beginning, the sociopath will always win.
Pick your battles
As in any relationship, you must learn to pick your battles, otherwise it will destroy you and wear you down. As the wife of a man married to a sociopath in the past, I had to be willing, and had to love him enough, to evaluate every situation that she threw our way calmly, while remembering to think like her to protect us both. If the relationship does not grow extremely strong it will not last ”¦ it is very difficult loving someone whose life is in constant turmoil without growing to resent them for choosing who they chose before you.
It is different for us because we can see through the horrific evilness and mass destruction, and I often wonder how he did not see it? It is like any situation, when we are so deep into it we cannot see the destruction.
I know with my husband that I would have never put this much time and effort into this relationship if it weren’t for the fact that he is indeed a very good man and worth it. I have been forced for now to give put on hold my dreams and passions until we no longer are tied to his ex financially ”¦ all of our money is spent just keeping her at bay. It has been 10 years and his second child with her will be emancipated in 15 months,
This article decribes my life with my husband and his ex-spath exactly. I am so elated that there is finally an article about this. Everything is the same from the “deer in the headlight look” to me being the “locomotive”. Its funny that she doesn’t like dealing with me at all however, you must stay one step ahead of her at all times. My husband’s last child was emancipated end of May. We thought that we could sever our ties with her. We were wrong. She started up again or she had never stopped. It all depends on how you look at it. At least, she is no longer receiving child support that the kids never saw. They have been divorced for 12 years and we have been married for 10 and this crap has never stopped.
The scary thing with female sociopaths is when they are attractive and can use their feminine wiles (crying, flattery, flirting, sex, and even blackmail) to sway judges, law enforcement, and anyone else in a position of power to makes things go their manipulative way. I am a woman, and I see women behaving badly…sometimes as bad as men…if not worse!!!
RED FLAGS of a female sociopath: No relational/sexual boundaries, incest, addictions, lying, slandering, stealing and creating divisions and strife…usually to break up relationships/families. Their favorite line to their very long list of new male victims, “I have not had sex in over a year, I feel like a virgin.” Sexually addicted and not too brilliant men gobble it up.
I was with a spath for nearly 17 yrs all told and my new partner of 3 yrs was married to a borderline personality for 11. There’s some overlap in the criteria. One of the things that bonded us from the very beginning was that we both understood. Every time I heard myself say, “you won’t believe what he used to do…” I’d see in his face, that he totally believed it. 10 yrs later, he still has to endure her rages, her constant blame for everything that goes wrong in HER house, her complete non-parenting of the children she got custody of. Late night calls from kids that neglected and need to be picked up because she is acting crazy and the endless money battles because she refuses to pay her court ordered share of anything. One of the kids recently decided to stay with him and in 6 months has flatly refused to even text with her. He wants zero contact and I don’t blame him. He tells me she’s crazy, she lies and she’s dangerous. And he’s right on all counts. Yet Like spath, she charms the court and everyone she meets and gets away with it. Fortunately only 2 yrs left and the last child will be leaving for college, then he never has to answer another call or text from her.