Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman from India whom we’ll call “Nisa.”
I had a relationship with a man in the last year. He was in his separation at that time. I gradually fall for him. He told me about his wife and said that she cheated him in a very bad way by involving with another guy and she is not normal, has dual personality disorder. I felt the pain of this person in my heart and gradually became attached to him.
As the day passes I started loving him. He said he loves me a lot. ‘I fell as a boyfriend, I fell as a husband for you,’ this was his language. Till one and a half months things were going good, but after that he became very possessive. He became paranoid and had misinterpretation for my each and every action.
Phobia towards sex
From the beginning of my relation I said I had a phobia towards the first time sex. He said that at that point of his age he doesn’t have an attraction to sex. After that we got intimated physically but I was not ready for sexual intercourse and can’t realize that this will become a problem.
After that he continuously insulted me because of this reason. And that trampled my womanhood. I was literally shattered. I had always a fear what will happen if I can’t do sex on our next meeting. He said that tell your parents that within the 1 year of our relationship you were not being able to do sex.
He knew that I am a child rape victim and at the beginning of our relationship he said that he will help me to overcome this fear. He is a doctor. But being a doctor he insulted me like this way.
Cannot leave him
But in spite of hearing all these things, I cannot leave him. I can do anything for him. I lost all my self esteem. I had no boundaries.
His approval became the sole motto of my life. He isolated me from my friends. He told wrong for my own sister. Still I forgave him and kept contact with him. I don’t know but most probably I became codependent. He hurts me a lot, but still I can’t leave him.
Sometimes he said, I love you, you are my life, the next day he said your sister is arrogant and that is the reason he can’t commit to me and sometimes he gave the sex reason.
I was totally confused. I also told him I will do sex, whatever phobia I have I will overcome, that but please do not leave me. I lost my whole self respect. In spite of all these disrespects I cared for him and love him a lot.
I can’t study and lost the interest in my work. I had lost interest to my research work and became isolated from my friends, my family and my pets. Nothing can comfort me other than his approval. Not even if my paper got published in a top most journal.
He blamed me
He was also very egocentric. I sent so many gifts for him in his hospital but mistakenly I put General hospital after his hospital’s name in the address. He then blamed me that I have written the general hospital intentionally just to insult him. I was numb hearing this. I can’t imagine in my dream also that this will become an allegation.
He talked garbage about me to his friend, that I am egoistic. I have tried to explain him that I am 8.5 years younger than him, I am not his contemporary. Why should I jealous about him? But he can’t understand anything, any explanation.
I was totally messed up and completely emotionally drenched out. I can’t sleep night after night, cried a lot, had attempted suicide twice. 🙁
I am in a vulnerable situation. For the last one month I kept no contact with him. But still I cried a lot, remembering him. I can’t bring ignorance for him. I can’t forget him and had great shame that I met this man. I can’t date any other person and am gradually losing the faith towards love.
AM I A VICTIM OF A PSYCHOPATH? Please give your valuable comments.
Why I wrote ‘The One That Got Away’
Hi nisa,
It sounds like to me that you have had dealings with a sociopath. But don’t call yourself a victim, you are a fighter. You have managed to find this site and managed to go no contact for a month! Well done! That is not easy. Even if he’s not a sociopath, he’s still not the type of person you should be around. Nobody should ever be made to lose their self esteem or to feel terrible in any relationship. Stay as far away from him as you can, he will try & woo you back, but it is only for his own benefit. I once read on here that they treat us like a plaything, like a cat does with a ball of yarn or mouse. They just keep “tapping” to see if there is still life there they can destroy. Please stay away from him & get back closer to your family & friends who love you unconditionally. Including your pets. Keep looking to this site, read Donna Andersons books. Soak up as much love & positive especially from people who love you for real. His love was never real -yours was, that’s why it’s so hard! Remember you are a valuable person. Obviously have a lot of love to give, because that’s who they target. Stay strong, it will get easier in time. I can’t tell you enough to keep coming back here, read everyone’s stories, how they have battled & conquered. It will make you strong & give you back your self esteem. All the best to you xxxx
I wholeheartedly agree with your comments, missymooz. Excellent insight and advice. Love Fraud is a very helpful resource. So grateful for Donna Andersen and all of her followers.
Thanks a lot
Nisa, I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering. In my opinion you are indeed a victim of a psychopath but you don’t have to remain a victim and you are not alone. No contact is the best policy although very difficult early on it gets easier as you regain your self-worth and strength.
Something that helped me in my own recovery from all the damage done by my spath is an extraordinary woman, Louise L. Hay. Her book, “You Can Heal Your Life” is a gift! Also her self-esteem subliminal messages can be downloaded from iTunes audio books. I listened to these (and still do) every night for a year, it works! Louise Hay is also a victim of childhood rape. She took something very bad and damaging that happened to her, learned to heal herself, and now shares her gift with the world. I highly recommend these tools for recovery and wish you the best in your healing process. Stay strong and trust your gut! You can recover and rebuild your life! No more lies, no more mistreatment, no more isolation and no more pain! You can get on with your life and live a better life! Wishing you the best!
Thank you 🙂
Nisa, you have been through so much emotional pain in your life. I am truly sorry. Like others have stated this man is a psychopath and very very danger mentally & emotionally to anyone that crosses his path especially for you right now.
For your safe guard and for your mental well being you must fight to stay no contact with him as he will just keep pushing you over your emotional edge ever time you talk with him either via the phone, text, email or in person, psychopaths love to push their victims over their emotional edge they do it to all of their victims. It’s a game to them, a cat playing with a mouse.
All the things he said about his ex-wife are things HE did not her, “…she cheated him in a very bad way by involving with another guy and she is not normal, has dual personality disorder” these things describe HIM not her!!! My guess is he is NOT separated from her he is very much marred to her so that he could suck you into his sick twisted evil game.
Psychopaths are pathological liars they lie about everything and anything!! including that they are “separated” when in fact they are most likely not. My ex husband sat on a bar stool after we had a fight about his cheated and he told the female owner of the bar when she asked him if he was married he told her “once”. They ended up having sex that night. These are the games these guys play with woman.
If you think it is safe contact his wife with the help of your sister to find out more about this evil guy. But ONLY if it is safe for you to do so. My guess is he used extreme mental & emotional abuse to push her too to her limits. Having your sister help you talk with his ex wife will open your sisters eyes to the reality of this guy = he is a psychopath! Then she will know the truth and will be able to help you through your pain. Also have your sister look at this site.
I also would HIGHLY recommend that you contact your local domestic violence abuse center ASAP for free counseling & free women group meetings. PLEASE reach out for this help hon, you are no longer alone we HEAR YOU!!!
Watch the videos Donna Anderson (lovefraud) has created up at the top of this site under the “video” tab. Each time you are emotional crying, sad, angry watch the videos over and over.
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU NISA!! You are not alone reach out for help asap. Follow the NO contact rule starting to day.
do a search up at the top of this site and on the internet”
gas lighting abuse
no contact rule
see other sites: psychopathfree. com, psychopathawareness. word press. & lisascott.com the path forward surviving a narcissist
open a fake email account then a fake facebook page and look at psychopath free & after narcissist abuse.
Books: Lovefraud by Donna Anderson (go to the top of this site lovefraud and look under the “book store” red tab for info on her books. Also the book woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown is excellent.
Keep coming here to vent. HUGE HUGS TO YOU NISA!!!
Thanks a lot. I am still can’t believe that everything was fake. I am suffering from cognitive dissonance. He emotionally abused me still I loved him. God knows when Wil I be able to delete this man from my mind.I cried fall in my knees for not to leave me. I can not forgive myself for dedicating my self worth. Will he get punishment?? I want him to be alone. He spoilt 4 women’s lives and spread craps about them. Everything is his ex’s fault.same goes for me as well.:(
Thanks dear
Hi Nisa, hugs to you. What you are feeling sadly is exactly what all victims go through, I too have been where you are now. The emotional pain is absolutely unbearable at times. When I thought my body could not produce another tear more would flood out of my eyes endlessly, enough to fill all the oceans on this planet.
You will go through all the grieving stages just like a death in your family. So google “grieving stages” so that you understand all the emotions pain you are going through at the time they come up. For me the angry stage was the hardest because I am not by nature a angry person…but it was part of the process of getting through the shock and anger at him and at times at me for not leaving him sooner & getting caught up with him in the first place.
It’s hell on earth to be abused by a sociopath/psychopath. The aftermath is devastating. The shock of finding out that the person was lying throughout the whole relationship and was intentionally manipulating and gas lighting you is unexplainable to people who have not experienced it themselves. This is why LF is such a comfort for all of us. The addiction that the abuser created this is what you need to break along with the emotional trauma bond that he created. It’s not easy to stop your mind from racing this is what counseling at the abuser center will help you.
I promise you with time & counseling you will get to a point that you will NEVER want to see him ever again. And you will also get to the point that you dont care what he is up to because you know already what he is up to = abusing new victims.
Reach out for help Nisa with your local abuse center. This is what they do, they help victims move forward from the emotional pain. It’s ok to cry…let your feelings out by writing in a journal or venting here. You are not alone…it feels like it but once you connect with people from the abuse center you will feel much better about yourself and the fact that this relationship is over. Your self esteem will come back but only when you disconnect from this guy this is why the no contact rule is a must for survival.
If you can get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency & hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD that need to be healed. Look into adrenal fatigue also.
I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much. The forgiving yourself will come in time once you are full educated on sociopathic abuse. You will realize that he was a master at sucking you and others into his abusive toxic world. He is a con artist.
Do a search on Lovefraud & the net on “Sociopath smear campaign” & “narcissist smear campaign” they will give you insight into why he blames you and not himself. But I want you to know that it was not your fault. He is a abuser and will always be a abuser.
The closure on this relationship is the fact that you now know who he is…YOU have exposed him by searching and finding your way to Lovefraud.
I am glad that you had the courage to post your story and for coming here tonight to share more. We are here for you. Take care
I have lost trust in love. Can’t be able to date any other guy and have grown an extreme apathy towards sex. I have started going counselling. The problem is I have several conflicts in my mind. Sometimes I felt strong hatred for him but sometimes I reminiscing the memories of the initial stage of the relationship and grows a strong feeling of contacting him. Though I know he will again abuse me. My therapist told me that this is cognitive dissonance. He has a jykel and Hyde personality. What does it mean?? I want to share one small example one day I swallowed sleeping pills because my sister was insisting me not to meet him and she said that he is not suitable for you. We had a big fight and I attempted suicide not being able to defend that man. Because I saw him as my soul mate any negative sentence about him haunts me. But you know what this man told me after this incident. He said that I had went to your place because your sister called me and because of your sleeping pills incident I missed my cricket world cup match. What kind of person is he??:( is he human?? He also said that your sister gave me cold behave on that day and this is the reason I can not commit you. As if everything is my fault. If the sun rises in the west one day that will be my fault also. He ruined me. I will never forgive him.
Nisa, it is normal to lose trust in love and it is a survival mechanism. Your brain is telling you to be cautious right now about all people. THAT IS A GOOD THING!! Not a bad thing. Down the road once you emotionally heal by getting this guy out of your life now you will learn to let people back into your life one by one once they prove they can be trusted. Remember the saying “trust is earned”.
This guy is pure pure EVIL. Your counselor uses the phase “Jykel & hyde” rightfully so….it means that he is nice one minute then evil the next. Him being “nice” is just a con game to suck you back into his game. DONT buy it.
YES, your counselor is correct you like all victims of a psychopath are experiencing cognitive dissonance. This is another reason you need to go NO CONTACT with this evil evil guy. He wants to break you down, he gets enjoyment out of seeing his victims emotionally & mentally break down. PLEASE dont let him do this to you go NO CONTACT with him starting today!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to your local hospital or hormonal specialist doctor and tell them that you are in a abusive relationship and ask them to test you for 1) cortisol levels 2) hormonal imbalance 3) vitamin deficiency. ALL of these things are issues with woman who are in a abusive relationship with a sociopath/psychopath. One of the biggest issues is hormonal imbalance caused by all the stress the abuser put the victim under. Getting the right hormones will help tremendously with your cognitive dissonance. Within hours you will feel better. Have your doctor explain what progesterone hormone is and ask how your testing was with this hormone.
What you are feeling is not just a mental issue but it is a physical body issue (adrenal glands not functioning correctly because of all the stress this evil guy has put you under).
I am sorry this guy has come into your life but it is time to get your strength to throw him out of your life for good by using the no contact rule. Nisa, the no contact rule is the only way to find peace in your life again. This guy is NOT going to change ever. He will push every victim over their emotional edge for fun. He is sick minded and evil.
YOU are not “ruined”, I promise you, you will be happy & healthy again. But you must start with the no contact rule and finding a hormonal specialist doctor or going to your local hospital to get tested for cortisol levels and hormonal imbalance. DONT delay this go TODAY!!
The problem is I have several conflicts in my mind. Sometimes I felt strong hatred for him but sometimes I reminiscing the memories of the initial stage of the relationship and grows a strong feeling of contacting him. Though I know he will again abuse me. My therapist told me that he has a jykel and Hyde personality. What does it mean?? I want to share one small example one day I swallowed sleeping pills because my sister was insisting me not to meet him and she said that he is not suitable for you. We had a big fight and I attempted suicide not being able to defend that man. Because I saw him as my soul mate any negative sentence about him haunts me. But you know what this man told me after this incident. He said that I had went to your place because your sister called me and because of your sleeping pills incident I missed my cricket world cup match. What kind of person is he??:( is he human?? He also said that your sister gave me cold behave on that day and this is the reason I can not commit you. As if everything is my fault. If the sun rises in the west one day that will be my fault also. He ruined me. I will never forgive him.
Having several “conflicts in my mind” is NORMAL with a victim of a psychopath they have created this conflict in your mind on purpose.
Please buy the electronic book over the internet and read them they will help explain what your body & mind are going through right now: Look at the top of this site for Donna’s books and Amazon for the other.
1) Lovefraud by Donna Anderson
2) Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (my counselor gave me this book the very first day I meet her…this book will explain everything about how you feel, why you feel the way you do, that he is evil and explain why & how he is mentally breaking you down).
He is NOT your soul mate, he pretended to be your soul mate by mimicking all of your dreams, likes, and behaviors…why did he do this? he is a con artist and he needed to con you into his sick and twisted game.
Who says they cant miss the “cricket world cup match” a EVIL PSYCHOPATH because they feel nothing towards others…their brain does not function in the emotional region of the brain. They only care about themselves.
It’s time to move back to the strong, loving, hardworking person you were before you meet this evil man. How do you move back to your old self? By going NO CONTACT with this man TODAY!! Block him!!
Look at the site Lisascott. com the path forward surviving a narcissist. This site has a great support section (under the Step 1 -3 section) there is always someone on the site to read your post and answer you quickly so you dont feel alone. This will help you with the time change between the US and India.
Nisa, I want you to know we have all been where you are. It is a scary place to be. Your hormones are out of balance because of all the crazy stress and mind games this man has put you under.
YOU will get to a good place again I promise you.
YOU will be a stronger person more aware of people and their actions.
YOU will be able to spot the evil bad person before they enter your life in your future.
I know life has been so hard for you. You have survived so much. But there is joy waiting for you so please dont leave this planet it’s not your time. It’s your time to heal and help others through their pain from a abuser. YOU are incredibly strong. YOU will find peace & love again.
HUGE HUGS to you NISA from across the world!
Nisa, I posted a few past post on LF for you to read. If you go to the main Lovefraud page then look to the left (scroll down) an you will see a listing of all the current post being talk about. You will see “Nisa Read this post”.
Everything Jan7 says is great! Mine faked it for 26 years… so I know what you are feeling… but the good news is you WILL heal and you will feel better and I PROMISE you, you’ll recover. Ummm, it’s important to keep in mind that recovery can only come with No Contact, though. Don’t falter. You are worth too much. He is worth nothing.
I also came out of it with vitamin deficiencies that my Dr. picked up on. Focus on your health like it is your job. Stress & grief depletes you physically, in surprising ways. Tell yourself that your new job is No Contact, and healing. Walk-walk-walk, listen to praise music or whatever you find healing. I made myself a playlist on my Ipod of praise music, and it was like medication for me… to go walk with that. Ask God to heal you, and you will be amazed at what he does. Hugs–
Nisa, I googled “India national domestic violence hotline” and only came up with this site that list resources in India. But you should also google “India national domestic violence hotline” to see if more info comes up for you while in India (I’m in the USA so this is why I might not be able to get full info). The hotlines are usually available 24 hours a day 7 days a week/365 days a year.
http://helpstopdomesticabusenow.blogspot.com/2011/08/indias-list-of-resources-for-domestic.html
Thanks for your valuable comments.but still I can not accept the truth and think about him. Why is it so addictive??
We all felt this! I promise. The best thing for you to hear is this will pass. It will leave you. So many people are brutalized emotionally by these evil people because they know exactly how to ingrain themselves into your heart and mind. It will take a while, but you WILL come to a place of acceptance and you will no longer like him! I promise. Trust God to take it away from you. He will.
Dear Nisa,
This is the work of a psychopath for sure, while they do not have to meet every single character defect they seem to meet enough to make them harmful to the rest of us.
I can completely understand how you are feeling as I have experienced the same. As I am reading your story, I can’t help but think that your culture is somehow making you feel different. You mentioned great shame that you had met this person. This shame you are referring to, does not apply to you!! Why should you or any one of us feel ashamed because we actually loved another person? We loved with honestly and loyalty. Qualities that are honorable, not shameful. Unfortunately, when it comes to shame or guilt, these types of people are not capable of having remorse, shame or guilt. Just as YOUR BEST INTEREST is not important to them, only what is best for them matters.
You are doing the best thing and the hardest thing having no contact! I believe that is the key to finding what you lost the most which is YOU. Crying is a good thing, keeping a journal is another good idea, keeping busy is important. I have had to play tricks with myself, when I was having a bad day I would say to myself well maybe later I’ll think about him or reflect on the critical things he would say about me. Telling me that I would regret when he walks out of my door because NO ONE WILL EVER PUT UP WITH ME OR MY BULLS**T. When someone says the same things to you enough eventually it starts to get into your head. I would say to myself, yeah right you are the crazy one and I remember normal and this isn’t it but when it ended, I was lost! Funny thing is I had been lost the whole time I was with him, he made me almost invisible and when he did see me, well whatever it was had to be changed. I would do pro and con lists about myself, am I considerate of others, am I selfish whatever he was putting in my head is what I ended up thinking about. Realistically, at times everyone can be inconsiderate, or self absorbed and I am sure I had been at times in my life but never did I try to hurt another person, take from another person and make it my life mission to destroy the character of another human being. I never thought anyone owed me a free ride. This was him and because they mirror off of us they take the good with the bad, they suck up our goodness see the human traits we all have and they use that, magnify it to their own advantage. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS TO THEIR OWN ADVANTAGE!! Straight out of his mouth…”I will always win, it’s a win win situation for me” It was a lost, win me back situation for me.
I don’t know how long this process takes, I know it took a little while for me to think that any of his behavior was acceptable so I think it will take me time to heal. As well as it should and as for having faith in love, well maybe it is better that you find you again and love you again or even like the person you are.
As for me, after this experience, I know that I am not ready to even be objective towards anyone else, he could be the most normal man and at this point I’d see red flags. Going through this draining experience leaves you with little energy. Sitting with sad feelings is not comfortable at all but if I do not feel what I’m feeling I could make the same mistake at some point again and I never want to go through this again. Even knowing that he will never look back and be accountable for himself makes me grateful not to be HIM!!
Keep coming on here and reading stories, comment and talk to other women who can relate. I know this much, I will be a different person after this now whether I give him the power to make me miserable, he has had enough power over me and the one you have gotten out of your life has taken enough from you. You are human, you are good and loving, he doesn’t and knows he isn’t worthy of you. He knows this deep inside, deep inside he is insecure. It doesn’t matter if he is doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief.
Thank you Carol. I just want to know why these people are so much narcissistic?? Is there any hidden sufferings of these people which they will have in their old age?? Because I just wonder how can one man discard a girl so callously and how can one is so much ungrateful?
Nisa, depending on where in India you are from you can get good therapeutic support if you want or need that. I grew up in Mumbai. I can help get you connected to resources in your area.
Read about why it is so addictive in some of the earlier articles on Lovefraud. Do you live with family? I was so apprehensive about asking family for help but found that it was invaluable. I also got involved in a seva organization based out of a Shirdi Sai Baba organization. I am still very involved with them and find that as I get stronger I love it even more!!
Take good care of yourself. Hey its almost mango season and I have to say I’m jealous of you being there now!!!! Treat yourself to all the good stuff….there is a lot of wisdom in our ancient scriptures….read, learn, practice and thrive!!! Its a hard road….Reach out to me via Donna if you need to!!
Hi Nisa, this is from another site on narcissistic abuse. It will give you a good understanding of the emotional bond that you much break & more info about the no contact rule.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
Hey thanks all. I am trying hard to maintain the no contact. Yes Jan 7 I am doing much well now. Your comments are my strength. Whenever I felt week I read this site. It is helping me. I am going to meet the doc soon for my hormonal level and vit level checking.
Dear all,
I have one mutual frnd with that guy in my fb and today I find a photo as that mutual friend was tagged it appeared in my fb timeline. He is posting different photos haing lunch in five star and enjoying his life in a full fledged way. There is no guilt or remorse in his face. Also he is getting many flirtatious comments from many girls in his comment box and he is reciprocating them. I dont why I am terribly shattered by seeing all these things. Why am I cant be able to move on? I just wonder how a person on earth leave another person so callously without any guilt 🙁 feeling so much of pain. I have deleted that mutual friend.
Nisa, your post put a smile on my face. Thank you for letting us know you are doing better and making appointments.
We have all been where you are, it’s scary to feel all of those emotions that you are feeling right now…but with time & putting your health at the top of your priority list plus counseling you will get to the point you will never want to see that evil man ever again.
Be kind to yourself when you are very emotional.
Look at sites like Adrenalfatigue. org read they symptoms list/read, DrLam. com see the symptoms list and Mialundin. com (her book is excellent explains the hormonal imbalance aspect/dont worry about the title of her book she choose that title to catch women attention) & watch her you tube video. Google “high cortisol levels after breakup”
Google “Taylor Swift never getting back together video”….it’s a great video to watch over and over and sing along too. 😉
Keep us posted. Wishing you all the best!!
Take care
what good do you think it does to have cortisol tested to get a daily curve plotted? if you find out ur low or high at the wrong times, what can you do besides cut out the stress? i know if u are super low you can take cortisone but most times thats a late stage thing. its more the wired and tired thing — cortisol surges thats tied to stress. i have a friend whos actually burnt her adrenals pretty well gone, who i could see her needing the cortisone. im not there yet. so theres nothing pharmaceutically i can do. its so frustrating. i take lots of herbs, amino acids and minerals but no consistent good sleep, still anxious too much, etc.
Anitgonnatakeitnomore, the cortisol test if done properly is tested for a female within a certain time from of her period which makes the testing more accurate.
After ANY breakup (or death of a family member) the body will release more cortisol the new term is called “Broken Heart Syndrome” but really it is a high release of cortisol and other hormones.
Cortisol testing is very important along with hormonal imbalance and vitamin/mineral deficiency as these are all issues with PTSD & since most if not all victims of a sociopath have PTSD during & after they leave their abuser it is important to know how your body is functioning specifically your adrenal glands and how to properly correct & heal your body so that you can heal your PTSD.
When some is suicidal it is important to know that it is not “all in their minds” but it is a physical body issues that is causing mind issues which is causing their distressed thinking. Also high levels of cortisol will prevent you from sleeping throughout the night instead you will wake up continuously. (google Mia lundin you tube to watch her videos on the subject). Once you correct your adrenal glands you will think clearly again.
High levels of cortisol continuously is very dangerous for the body and brain. Adrenal gland issues such as adrenal fatigue & Addison’s can have long term health repercussions. In addition your brain will not be functioning normally which means you can not make proper decisions such as leaving your abuser or following the no contact rule. Stress can kill. So it is VERY important to get these test and to talk with a adrenal and/or hormonal doctor about the stress you have been under continuously.
This is why it is important to get your cortisol levels tested and hormones & vitamin/minerals levels tested.
To heal your adrenal glands you need a good clean diet lots of veggies, no junk food, no alcohol or drugs, plenty of rest & relaxation, sleep, no stress (which is another reason to follow the no contact rule) and vitamins/minerals/hormones specific for healing the adrenal glands.
80% of adults will end up with adrenal fatigue.
Thanks a lot Jan 7 🙂 You helped me a lot.. I felt that I am not alone.. I am glad that I have found this site 🙂
Nisa, your so welcome. I am so happy that you also found this site too. It’s a true true blessing that we all found this wonderful site. To feel so alone in your relationship is overwhelming but to find out others fully understand the nightmare you have been living is another blessing.
Thank you Donna & Terry for all that you do to connect all the victims so that we know we are no longer alone! (very powerful what you both do!!)
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