Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman from India whom we’ll call “Nisa.”
I had a relationship with a man in the last year. He was in his separation at that time. I gradually fall for him. He told me about his wife and said that she cheated him in a very bad way by involving with another guy and she is not normal, has dual personality disorder. I felt the pain of this person in my heart and gradually became attached to him.
As the day passes I started loving him. He said he loves me a lot. ‘I fell as a boyfriend, I fell as a husband for you,’ this was his language. Till one and a half months things were going good, but after that he became very possessive. He became paranoid and had misinterpretation for my each and every action.
Phobia towards sex
From the beginning of my relation I said I had a phobia towards the first time sex. He said that at that point of his age he doesn’t have an attraction to sex. After that we got intimated physically but I was not ready for sexual intercourse and can’t realize that this will become a problem.
After that he continuously insulted me because of this reason. And that trampled my womanhood. I was literally shattered. I had always a fear what will happen if I can’t do sex on our next meeting. He said that tell your parents that within the 1 year of our relationship you were not being able to do sex.
He knew that I am a child rape victim and at the beginning of our relationship he said that he will help me to overcome this fear. He is a doctor. But being a doctor he insulted me like this way.
Cannot leave him
But in spite of hearing all these things, I cannot leave him. I can do anything for him. I lost all my self esteem. I had no boundaries.
His approval became the sole motto of my life. He isolated me from my friends. He told wrong for my own sister. Still I forgave him and kept contact with him. I don’t know but most probably I became codependent. He hurts me a lot, but still I can’t leave him.
Sometimes he said, I love you, you are my life, the next day he said your sister is arrogant and that is the reason he can’t commit to me and sometimes he gave the sex reason.
I was totally confused. I also told him I will do sex, whatever phobia I have I will overcome, that but please do not leave me. I lost my whole self respect. In spite of all these disrespects I cared for him and love him a lot.
I can’t study and lost the interest in my work. I had lost interest to my research work and became isolated from my friends, my family and my pets. Nothing can comfort me other than his approval. Not even if my paper got published in a top most journal.
He blamed me
He was also very egocentric. I sent so many gifts for him in his hospital but mistakenly I put General hospital after his hospital’s name in the address. He then blamed me that I have written the general hospital intentionally just to insult him. I was numb hearing this. I can’t imagine in my dream also that this will become an allegation.
He talked garbage about me to his friend, that I am egoistic. I have tried to explain him that I am 8.5 years younger than him, I am not his contemporary. Why should I jealous about him? But he can’t understand anything, any explanation.
I was totally messed up and completely emotionally drenched out. I can’t sleep night after night, cried a lot, had attempted suicide twice. 🙁
I am in a vulnerable situation. For the last one month I kept no contact with him. But still I cried a lot, remembering him. I can’t bring ignorance for him. I can’t forget him and had great shame that I met this man. I can’t date any other person and am gradually losing the faith towards love.
AM I A VICTIM OF A PSYCHOPATH? Please give your valuable comments.
Why I wrote ‘The One That Got Away’
Nisa – You are describing the big issue that everyone who was involved with a psychopath faces – trying to comprehend how they can behave the way that they do. Actually, it is impossible to understand. All you can do is accept that they are what they are.
Nisa, No, there is no suffering in these creatures. Pity is just another one of their games. When you realize that the man you thought you loved does not exist, you will be able to separate. Jekyll and Hyde refers to an old horror movie where Dr. Jekyll created another person within himself. One was kind and the other was evil. So the phrase refers to a person who appears to be both good and evil at the same time. But these creatures are never good, it is all an act. They are not even human because they do not have the capacity for empathy or love. Everything they do is a scam to manipulate people to get what they think they want. Hurting other people is the only thing that makes them feel better. You are grieving a phantom, not a real person or relationship. Please save yourself now.
they r not even human? 🙁 What I have done to my life? I am still reminiscing my past memories 🙁 🙁 I dont now when Will I become free from this bondage !
Nisa, they are not human. Most victims think this also and post the same post that you have concluded. Scientific brain studies on sociopaths/psychopaths show that their brains are literally wired differently and do not function in the emotional region and other parts like a normal person.
Once you see that he is not human and that his brain does not function like ours then you can start to see he is PURE EVIL and needs to be cut out of your life for good.
It’s not easy to break the emotional bond your ex formed…each day is a new step to breaking out of their mind prison. YOU Nisa are a very strong person and you want to break free and you are each time you read or reread an article on this site you are opening your mind up from his brain washing and mind control. Just like a cult follower does to their cult leader. So keep reading and watching the videos at the top of this site.
Also read the book Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra brown (amazon) and Donna Anderson’s books at the top of this site under the book store (and I think amazon too). They will answer 90% of your questions in depth. They are must read books. But please keep asking questions here and venting as this all helps too very much.
You are not alone we are here for you!! 😉
Thanks a lot everyone..
I just posted an article on gas lighting abuse from Donna ANderson (Lovefraud) on the main page just look to the left.
Here is another one from Psychologytoday. com by an expert on gas lighting abuse Dr Robin Stern
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted
also do a search on the net “gas lighting abuse” & “sociopath gas lighting abuse”
Dearest Jan 7
the link of Psychology today what you have shared is my story. I cant imagine that I was being gaslighted. Yes its true everytime the more he insulted me the more I forgave him. Every time I thought Why I shouldnt be more considerate. I want to share one of his line .. you must be shocked. Actually there is so much of insults which he had made I forgot some of them. This one I really want to share. As I have mentioned I have a very bad childhood. I am a child rape victim. My cousin brother did it to me thrice from my age of 12-14. I told my ex about this incident. And because of that I had an apathy toward sex that I also said. As the day passed he started allegating me that he can not commit as I can not do sex. But one day he said that 14 years old girl who is in her 9th standard is much older. He implied that as if it was not forceful thing I slept with my 18 years old brother intentionally. It just broke my heart. I was shattered.He considered himself sophisticated highly qualified but is this the way of talking to a woman? How one can be so much of insensitive How !!!!!!! I wont forgive this man ever. Please tell me will he suffer? will these people get their punishment ever in their lifetime? Please tell me may be this thing can console me some amount. I want him to be a loner. I wish he could have sex but NOT LOVE which I have gave him unconditionally.
Nisa, I am at a lose of words reading your post. So I will try to express myself as best I can but still I will fall short.
The betrayal that you had from a family member is beyond comprehension. The people who were supposed to protect you harmed you in the most primitive evil way. I am so incredibly sorry that you were raped by a family member. I can not even imagine the pain that you endured and the aftermath of emotions that still fill your heart & mind to this day.
I want you to know that you are a good soul, a kind hearted person, hard working who is loving and you deserve so much better in life then what has been dealt to you. It’s time to take your power back Nisa from all of these evil people!!
TODAY IS THE DAY YOU SAY I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE IN MY LIFE THAT WILL HARM ME, THAT WILL ABUSE ME, THAT WILL SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME. Today I am taking my power back!!
This man that you are dating is pure pure evil. He wants not only to destroy you but destroy everyone that walks in his path. You can no longer walk into his lions den and expect a lion to be nice. You must see him for who he is a predator who will emotionally & mentally kill your spirit.
We all must see the truth before our very eyes…it’s not easy to do but we must do this…this planet has evil evil people on it…it’s hell on earth…there is danger every where. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths…when you walk down the street start counting 25 people and you will start to realize that only way to stay safe in this dangerous world is to be very very careful who we let into our circle and if their are evil people in your life you MUST get them out of it asap….starting with this evil sociopath.
This is a conscious awareness.
You must start looking getting out of your mind and seeing the world around you. This is not easy to do since the sociopath brain washing and mind control causes us to think to much.
You have to start seeing you like a herd of zebra’s running in the safari way from Lions. The only way to stay safe is to see the truth that there is evil predators walking as men.
Reach out to your local abuse center for support Nisa…you are not alone.
YES HE WILL SUFFER….as they get older people start to see their life long pattern over evilness and he will end up alone.
Please know that you not wanting to have sex with him is NOT the root issue of why he treats you so poorly…he treats you horribly because he is a evil sociopath. Sociopaths are not nice they are manipulative, cunning, evil, con artist.
Nisa, google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview about listening to our gut…it’s powerful reminder.
Thanks a lot Jan 7. The only thing I believe now that is karma. I am deceited. But I wish one day he will get his punishment. He has to pay for my tears and the sleepless nights which I have spent.thanks all. And thanks to this blog. I am incapable of forgiving him though I tried. Its not possible for me 🙁
Hi. Several years ago I was betrayed by my bf. I came here for help and you were lifesavers. I was devastated.
Well I met someone on a dating site in Jan. we used to work together 30 years ago. We both married and had kids and divorced thirteen years ago.
We got on the phone excited as ever because we were very attracted to each other back then.
We talked for hours. Both wanted the same things. Both had the same interests. We texted all day long. We were both on cloud nine.
I was planning to move up north where he lives and works in the summer since I’m losing my house. He lives with his son. I live with my daughter.
So we met in person two weeks later after many texts and calls!!! All day texting and sexting started too.
We agreed to get off dating sites. He was very active on them for 13 years. I had profiles up but not active. He even said he wanted to write a book about online dating.
Well he didn’t remove his profile after we met and he didn’t make eye contact when we met! He didn’t seem so loving as on the phone in person. I ended it.
Didn’t trust him
I wrote to tell him why. He said that I didn’t remove mine so he left his on. ( I tried and it didn’t work ) He also said we shouldn’t get intimate until we both got in shape ( after we met) which threw me off.
Well we agreed to both delete all of our profiles. And the constant texting and calls continued. We talked of a life together and he called me nonstop and even invited me to a wedding in June and told his family about me.
We didn’t get together for two months. Snowstorms and his job.
Finally we decided that i would drive up sat nite for the big night together. His on ended up staying home so he texted me that we would have to “behave ” for awhile. His son has his gf overnight often! Huh???
So I got there late with traffic and I said” I’m leaving” at midnight. We talked and had wine. He didn’t offer me to stay. Ugh!
So he didn’t even make eye contact much that night either!!!
Gut feeling: not good.
So he sent me a screenshot of his phone cover. Of me. Only the icons for two dating sites were on it!!!! He sent it a week before.
I went on one site this morning. His profile was on it. I never checked before. He was also online!!!!!!
I told him I was betrayed by my x with dating sites!!!!!
Well I confronted him via texts this morning and said I was upset and he should figure out why. He immediately said he thinks I saw him on the site. He said ” I went on there a day ago or so to see when my subscription was up and it is of course and I didn’t renew. I just checked it and it shows my profile was visible and it shouldn’t have been. I just fixed it. Babe I’m not seeking out other women. My membership is up I don’t even have the app on my phone. ”
Omg I sent him the photo of the app on the picture he sent me.
So he deleted intend sent me the pic back without it.
I said ” today? Lol”
He said he joined in January and cancelled it so it wouldn’t renew but it was still there. He never deleted it!!!!! Don’t you think i would have renewed it?
Then he admitted ” you’re right neither app should have been on my phone. I should have deleted them long ago”
I said the fact that you didn’t is a breach of trust.
He said ” yes you are right I’m sorry” I said ” so am I ”
I am so hurt AGAIN!!!!
I really fell for him. We had same interests. Same goals. Sad
If someone makes you uncomfortable at the beginning of what might become a relationship, what would make you pursue it? The fact that you are on here looking for validation of your misgivings should tell you that this relationship does not have much potential. From what you have posted, it sounds like you are the one putting all of the effort into the relationship. Do you really want to spend your time chasing after this guy, driving to meet him, and checking up on whether he is cheating online?
After my experiences, I don’t want to be part of any relationship where I am asked to give more than 50% of the effort to keep it going.
How come no one replied?
Hello all , I am in depression again. I was recovering. But recently I came to know that my ex married another divorced woman.and moved on. and I am still in medicines and not being ready for any relationship. Nightmares are coming. I am seeing him to marry that woman in my dream. I am in distress. please help me. Please please please
nisa,
I just saw your post.
Don’t for a minute think that he will treat any other woman better or different than he treated you.
Try some meditations..it really helps.
How did you find this out?
SITC
Thanks. But still that inhuman came into my dreams. I am in medications. antidepressants. Why these people can move on so easily without a single drop of tears. When he was lonely he was in seperation he used me, for his mental support.And as soon as he got his divorce he moved on to another powerful business women. I gave my level best and so much love that a person cAN do. But he treated me like a slave.meantally raped me. And now he is getting everything and I am in depression. I want his suffering. I hate him like hail. Will he get his punishment? please say >>> that will give me some peace. LOts of love to lovefraud. I got to know that he is married with another woman from fb.
Nisa, just the fact that he is a sociopath is its own form of suffering. He can never truly feel love or real connection. This is a type of hell for a human being to live in. That is why he exploits others – he feeds off their emotions; it is all a sociopath knows how to do. Please do not think for one second that he is happy in any real sense of the word, nor is his latest victim. Sociopaths are always playing games and always get smug pleasure from winning – whether it’s winning a woman’s affection through lying or winning a pack of cigarettes in prison. They will always have a smug sort of fake happiness because they are not capable of feeling any depth of emotion. Do not mistake this with true happiness. They create drama and chaos wherever they go. To experience happiness, you must be able to experience peace. They have none.
I know it’s hard to go completely no-contact with the internet at our fingertips. But you must not look on his FB page – it will be a setback for you.
I know when I was deeply depressed after my relationship with the sociopath ended, the thing that helped me the most was reaching out spiritually. I believe you need to enlist spiritual help to recover from these vile beings. Even prayer can help, and it can help even if you have no faith. Ask to have the pain and suffering removed from your system. And breathe and allow it, even if you have to rage or sob to get it out. Remember, for the depths of suffering you are going through, you can also feel this depth of joy. The sociopath cannot and will never feel either. No matter what, you have already triumphed over a vile being like that. Please stay strong.
My best,
Star
nisa,
Good thing you got some medications.
Hope you are feeling better.
I hate to tell you this but they will go on and do this over and over to people without a thought because they don’t know what empathy is.
I know how much it hurts and you want them to feel it too but the only thing you can do is not EVER let it happen again.
When people show you who they are, believe them and walk away.
Keep venting here.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
First post. Married to spath 4years at age 18. We have 2 daughters. 2nd husband 30 years of raging and stonewalling. Nothing physical thank god. Divorced 8 years ago. Romance the last thing on my mind until a year ago, met someone in a non-substance recovery group…immediately began calling. Think he is too tired at his age to even pretend “adoration” but the intensity and intrigue hooked me and I filled in all the blanks myself. Mostly a year of mental and emotional insanity…highest highs…lowest lows….I have read at least 12 books on the topic in past 2 months. He called few weeks ago and I was terrified to again instantly experience a complete denial of all I had learned. After a week, came back to my senses and have had to start NC all over. Feels like I learned NOTHING!! Horrifying. NC! No exceptions! Still reading for hours a day and feel like the denial wont break. Help!!!
YOU CAN DO IT. Just remember how awful breaking NC makes you feel when you are tempted. Block his phone number if you can, change your number if you have to. Post here when you need to. No one understands what you are going through as well as the people here on LF.
I still have thoughts like he doesn’t understand and maybe I treated him like the spath by reacting to his twisted thinking. Is it common to think as the victim that I really did mess with a fragile soul…why this ping ponging back and forth thinking when the entire duration of interacting with him I was excited, terrified, hopeful, and heartbroken? Feeling crazy today! Feel like he broke me out of my emotional coma of not wanting a relationship ever again. So painfully disillusioned. Feel like my innocent dream literally died. Have blocked his number and emails. So angry that I have to change support circle because he “feeds” there. It is a very important group to me and I know he has already started his sneaky little smear campaign. Now I am shamed and untrusting of almost everyone because I don’t what has been insinuated. Blech! Thanks Donna and NoMoreWool.
waking up – welcome to Lovefraud. You are correct – the best approach is absolutely No Contact. Take it one day at a time. The longer you stay away, the stronger you will become.