Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman from India whom we’ll call “Nisa.”
I had a relationship with a man in the last year. He was in his separation at that time. I gradually fall for him. He told me about his wife and said that she cheated him in a very bad way by involving with another guy and she is not normal, has dual personality disorder. I felt the pain of this person in my heart and gradually became attached to him.
As the day passes I started loving him. He said he loves me a lot. ‘I fell as a boyfriend, I fell as a husband for you,’ this was his language. Till one and a half months things were going good, but after that he became very possessive. He became paranoid and had misinterpretation for my each and every action.
Phobia towards sex
From the beginning of my relation I said I had a phobia towards the first time sex. He said that at that point of his age he doesn’t have an attraction to sex. After that we got intimated physically but I was not ready for sexual intercourse and can’t realize that this will become a problem.
After that he continuously insulted me because of this reason. And that trampled my womanhood. I was literally shattered. I had always a fear what will happen if I can’t do sex on our next meeting. He said that tell your parents that within the 1 year of our relationship you were not being able to do sex.
He knew that I am a child rape victim and at the beginning of our relationship he said that he will help me to overcome this fear. He is a doctor. But being a doctor he insulted me like this way.
Cannot leave him
But in spite of hearing all these things, I cannot leave him. I can do anything for him. I lost all my self esteem. I had no boundaries.
His approval became the sole motto of my life. He isolated me from my friends. He told wrong for my own sister. Still I forgave him and kept contact with him. I don’t know but most probably I became codependent. He hurts me a lot, but still I can’t leave him.
Sometimes he said, I love you, you are my life, the next day he said your sister is arrogant and that is the reason he can’t commit to me and sometimes he gave the sex reason.
I was totally confused. I also told him I will do sex, whatever phobia I have I will overcome, that but please do not leave me. I lost my whole self respect. In spite of all these disrespects I cared for him and love him a lot.
I can’t study and lost the interest in my work. I had lost interest to my research work and became isolated from my friends, my family and my pets. Nothing can comfort me other than his approval. Not even if my paper got published in a top most journal.
He blamed me
He was also very egocentric. I sent so many gifts for him in his hospital but mistakenly I put General hospital after his hospital’s name in the address. He then blamed me that I have written the general hospital intentionally just to insult him. I was numb hearing this. I can’t imagine in my dream also that this will become an allegation.
He talked garbage about me to his friend, that I am egoistic. I have tried to explain him that I am 8.5 years younger than him, I am not his contemporary. Why should I jealous about him? But he can’t understand anything, any explanation.
I was totally messed up and completely emotionally drenched out. I can’t sleep night after night, cried a lot, had attempted suicide twice. 🙁
I am in a vulnerable situation. For the last one month I kept no contact with him. But still I cried a lot, remembering him. I can’t bring ignorance for him. I can’t forget him and had great shame that I met this man. I can’t date any other person and am gradually losing the faith towards love.
AM I A VICTIM OF A PSYCHOPATH? Please give your valuable comments.
Why I wrote ‘The One That Got Away’
Thank you for your reply No More Wool.
The issue is that we live far from each other and our relationship was mostly phone calls. Hours and hours of talking and laughing and building a friendship. Then we started to fall in love with each other talking about our daily stuff. We got along great and laughed and then texted all day. Due to snowstorms and our busy schedules we didn’t make the effort to even meet halfway. This went on for two months. I was planning to move up in June. Then we agreed we could get the relationship started for real. He came down here once and so I wanted to see his place and so I agreed to drive up. When I got up there I thought we would be alone but his son fell asleep and he didn’t ask me to stay. So we hung out in the living room. And I left to go home at midnight. It was supposed to be our night to finally see each other in person. I was upset that he didn’t even offer me to sleep on the couch.
Anyway, had he not sent me a pic of me on his cell phone, and I didn’t notice the dating icons, I never would have checked the site! I would still be talking to him today and planning my move!
The fact that he said he just went on the site to see if his subscription was up tells me he wasn’t happy when he was with me in person. Then he lied and offered info ” I don’t even have the app on my phone “. That’s when I told him I saw it!!!! Which is what made me check the site. If his profile was unhidden, it would be one thing. But he was “online”.
So he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I’m just so shocked and confused why????? Why would he continue to talk to me and make plans knowing I was relocating and rushing the move to be in a relationship with him!!! If he changed his mind after our second meeting he should have said something.
Anyway, I guess I’m lucky I found out before I continued.
PS. He had an affair on his wife. 17 year marriage. Hates his adopted mother who was cruel to him and his father.
And his last gf told him he needs anger management therapy. He went. Concluded that SHE was crazy!!!! Lol
So I’m trying to breathe and not kick myself for getting into the “fantasy” for 3months and being foolish.
I just really fell for his sweetness, sincere way of talking, and that I may have a future with a nice man. Finally.
So it’s a crash from the great dream!
I appreciate your response SO much!!!! Really do need validation and support. I can’t eat. Or sleep so thanks you ,
It is hard to realize the dream won’t ever be reality. Count yourself fortunate you figured it out before you wasted more time on a bad emotional investment. Even so, it was a very real emotional investment on your part. You are entitled to mourn the death of the dream. Even a year post-discard I am still troubled by the “what-ifs” even though I have no desire to return to the hell that I was living in before. Building a new life post-sociopath can be really hard some days.
Thank you NoMore ….
Your feedback is so comforting.
It really was just a dream. I enjoyed talking with him so much. I loved having a man
Text me everyday to say good morning. And I thought about him all day. He always texted me every hour usually even if it was just to send xo. We both discussed how lucky we were to find someone.
Now I wonder if he has been sweet talking all of the women he’s met online for the past 13 years. He actually was duped by a woman spath right after his divorce! A pathological liar!!! But he does know how to lovebomb! The last gf he had for a year he was ready to buy a home with her after 3 months! Then he said it was all downhill and he just dumped her ione night. She sat in his driveway and wouldn’t leave for three hours!
So, yes. I listened to my gut after the first meeting but I went back to him to give it a shot.
For two months I thought we were really building a close friendship for when I move up. But looking back I realize that he could have made an effort to even meet me halfway before the two months. I trusted that he was not on sites. The one and only time I went on to check… There he was!!!!!
So now I AM grieving the loss of a dream and dealing with the hurt.
Hi first post. Trying to figure this all out. I’m involved with a Narcissitic man that I think fits the bill on here. It’s astounding overwhelming and not shocking. I’m shaking. I’m in the devalue, discard phase I believe. I’ve loved him for over 11 years ( anniversary beginning of April). I’m devastated.
I’ve been battling cancer. This past five months it’s been awful. In and out of the hospitals.
Prior to these months it was always silent treatments stonewalling and now I just learned about gas lighting. I have no family so isolating me wasn’t hard. I had a lot of friends when we first dated. In college so I’m young, but I slowly would loose contact with them.
Everything everyone describes here has been napping. I’m sorry I’m very very broken atm. I can’t even collect my thoughts to write them down properly. I’m devastated by his last treatment and I just don’t know what to do.
I’m alone. I have two friends in this world and him. Or at least I thought I had him.
Albeit the last thing he did to me almost killed me.
Ok I’ll try to explain bit by bit.
I was diagnosed with cancer and been battling it for a while. I live on my own and at this time because of my health I depended on him. I trust him with my life. I almost died.
I put him as my medical decision maker and the doctors always had a hard time teaching him. He’d say he wouldn’t get and he would know exactly what to say to me so I would think its the doctors faults. So I believed him but this time I needed emergency surgery and they needed permissions. I was completely unconscious and couldn’t make them and well I needed heart surgery and then some on top of taking of of lung filled with liquid. I was having a crash in my cancer journey. They couldn’t reach him. No one could. My two friends one who had went to the same college and just kept his distance from him and his sister. In any case the doctors apparently spoke to him and he had an arguement and left. Refused to give any permissions. Anything and the doctors were ignored. They called and thensome for days. Meanwhile my friends had to rush to get hints changed with lawyers and notaries.
Any case I could have died. The doctors said I should have died. Here there’s a believe that doctors can’t just do anything. They work with you and your family. Not having family he was my family. Like I said I trusted him with my life. My heart. My everything.
That was at the end of January. I was in the hospital all of February and March and April. This is my fifth day out of the hospital. Still recovering from the damage done for that decision. Physically I’m in chronic pain. My cancer is better thank god but my mental state I’m broken.
Usually when I was in the hospital he refused to visit. He said he was scared of hospitals so o respected that. He would call or sometimes when I would call him he would answer but it was rare. He had all the control. He didn’t like not having all the control and instead of ignoring me he would ignore the hospital and times. It was never that bad though.
I’m sitting here after my friend pointed me in this direction. The doctors mentioned his description and they mentioned he had a sociopathic decision making pattern and that they were concerned he wasn’t serious about being loyal caregiver to me. I never knew what that really meant and since he always blamed them saying “they are just disorganized and giving me a hard time” whenever I would ask him. I never got a straight answer. Ever. I’m the honest type very straight forward and because of surviving child abuse, I ask of relationships to be honest and really straight forward.
He isn’t now that I think of it. It’s been a game. So the past five days I feel like I’ve gone through withdrawal from drugs. I’ve never been on drugs so I can’t be know for sure but it’s been brutal.
He still lives at home with his parents. They answered when I called as I got home from the hospital. They acted like they didn’t know much. It was in the morning and I tried calling before he left for work. The father was very nervous on the phone. I didn’t think much of it. His family I’m sorry to say is the typical British unavailable individuals that refuse to speak unless they have to. So when his parents do talk they tend to have this nervousness in their voice. His father didn’t know where his son was. Or come to think of it wouldn’t tell me. Technically he should have been just waking up to get to work. But I’m not thinking of it too much since I haven’t been awake litterally in months. They told me I was awake conscious twice and both times I called my boyfriend and no one answered. He can get night shifts so again I’m trying not to be paranoid.
But it’s been four days later. He hasn’t called back. I answered all the hospital inquiries his dad had. I felt like I was on trail. Like I wasn’t believed. But again I believe when you have nothing to hide you hide nothing right? So I don’t have problems in answering questions. But it was clear what his parents knew was told by their son and it wasn’t near to the truth. Which I found disturbing and very odd.
Hear I read they lie. Project. I’m seeing that. Many things are clearer now that that was pointed out.
This is just recent events. I can name 100s that would lead to silent treatments and him ignoring me just like he is now for a week or two.
The only difference is now I was in the hospital. I could have died. I wasn’t conscious and I’d like to know what happened. I feel like I deserve to know but I’m scared shirtless. I mean how can a day before he tell me he loves me and can’t wait until this cancer rumors are gone and he cries about the thought of loosing me to this.
I’m so confused. So broken I’ve been shattered already so many times my self esteem is non existent. But our last conversation was how he was going to treat me better and turn all of this around.
I guess more empty promises.
I’m writing here because I know I need to and I’m probably not making any sense. I’m trying. I’m also trying to understand why I’m triggered. Why he isn’t answering any phone calls any messages or emails. I know the nurses kept on joking that since he is a workaholic and he works at an airport with many people. Many many people and how he never included me ( events, parties social networking he would gaslight/ blow up blame me , and fight for even me ever bringing the subject up or to his attention) that he probably has a gf at work that I don’t know about. But how does one go about finding that out? He’s cheated on me in 2010 with a flight attendant at work he said they were done. He refused then to go to therapy and when I asked to prove to me he wasn’t taking to her anymore he would get brutally mean. Saying ” how can anyone prove that? You just have to trust me!” And then silent treatment for a week be ignored.
I never met his work friends. I never was allowed to just show up. I only did once and boy that was the most degrading and hurtful experience.
But I digress. It doesn’t effect right now.
Right now I can’t eat sleep I’m a nervous wreck. I should be happy I’m out of the hospital but I just wish I never woke up that’s how much my heart hurts. Abandonment is my weakness. I guess that’s why his silent treatments in the past worked. But he would always come back. This time I don’t what happened I don’t know why I’m being punished. Why he refused to be nice to the doctors and why he didn’t just transfer his medical legal powers to my other friends. He could have made me die.
I’m in the I love him I miss him so much to how could anyone treat another persons that way?
I’m not a bad person. I love with my whole heart. I would be by his hospital side of head cancer and roles reversed. I would never ever make decisions as he had. He was always too busy to visit. Or he had work. Or he just was afraid of the hospital or he was sick of dealing with the doctors stupidities as he would call it ( when Iwould find out they wanted him to fill out forms).
I don’t know what to think what to do. All I know is I’m shaking and I’m hurt.
Any advice?
Bluelight – what a terrible, terrible experience. It does sound like he is a sociopath. Sociopaths have no ability to give care to another person. the first thing you should do is change your medical documents so that he is no longer the decision maker.
You are experiencing a terrible shock. There are many articles here that may help you.
The hardest part is coming to terms with the idea that someone actually can be a heartless as they are. Unfortunately it is true. They have no heart.
Hi bluelight. I tried writing you earlier but my tablet glitched out and it’s gone now. While I’m sorry for the harsh realities that brought you here, I’m glad that you found this site. You are in the place that everyone here once was, just beginning to grasp the realities that most of us were unaware of until we were almost destroyed by one of these shape shifters. Most of us have really ugly true life stories that we have survived. You too will survive this. Your ability to do so and the rate of progress will depend largely on you being willing to challenge many life long false beliefs. Society as a whole perpetuates many of these broken concepts and our journey can oftentimes be a difficult one because while we are struggling with overcoming our own internal false beliefs, others who don’t get it will insist that you too basically bury your head in the sand. There are more of these morally insane people out there than I used to think. I used too believe that sociopaths were freakishly rare serial killers. Anomalies. Sadly I now know better. Learn about how to identify the red flags. Its not about imputing false motives to others or being paranoid. You will learn its about being aware and having healthy boundaries in place. Don’t get caught up in the technical diagnosis either. Some are textbook. Because deception is the main component with these social predators it can be nearly impossible to get a solid clinical diagnosis. Instead focus on their behaviors. Do they lie ? Do they twist ? Do they accept accountability ? Do they have entitlement issues ? Do they adore control ? I could go on but you get the picture. If they have these kinds of tendencies, suffice to say they have some version of cluster b personality disorder. While there are many more men out there like this, there are also plenty of females who have some version of this disorder and they can present very differently than males do. Be careful. Educate yourself. Don’t let this guy manipulate you. He will use you if it suites his needs, toss you aside when he has gotten what he wants, and then he will sleep like a baby. I’ve dealt with these creatures before. The lack of conscience is hard to wrap your head around. My soul has ached from the lack of humanity that seems to inhabit these individuals. Hope some of this helps. Peace to you.
First off thank you for all the replies. Today has been a very hard day. A day of crying and just trying to grasp everything. Everything you mentioned here is him to the last detail. He is very arrogant. Ever since he started his job at the airport he treated me like I was nothing. At times he would get verbally abusive and because of my childhood I would submit. I knew if I stood up for myself I would be silenced and I figured life was about loving. Not arguing. Albeit we would end up arguing anyway if I thought differently or anything differently come to think of it. Yes he is very entitled. He acts as though everyone has to listen to him. He is good looking and he plays the victim sad and depressed guy a lot. To be honest that’s how he hooked me.i thought he had a story and could understand my background. He never accepted it always used it against me even though I worked very hard in therapy and educating myself. We’ve had a rocky relationship. Well honestly anytime I would be honest about anything and it didn’t sit him instead of talking about it and finding a solution for the both of us, he would verbally abuse me and then silence me or he would punish me weeks later. It’s true his parents did protect him. They’ve always looked down on me because I never had family. I always thought it was because t made them uncomfortable and they liked judging people but I thought if they got to know me they’d see I am a kind person. In any case one of his parents are bipolar. They had a breakdown when he was young. Everytime I would cry he would say I was crazy and I was using his past parent to control him. My feelings have never really been any of importance. To answer your questions. I am in a Cancer support group. Over here ( not in America) counsellors are not cheap. At the moment I am not working because of me being in the hospital. So that will have to wait. I will look at women’s shelters to see if they offer consul long though.
I’m just in shock. Everything you guys are writing is hitting home.
Yes he had an affair with his coworker. I don’t even know the details. It came out because I was pregnant ( when first diagnosed) and he had to tell them it was ok for me to have the surgery, etc and it ended up killing the fetus. When I came out I was very depressed. That was the first time he told me to then go kill myself. That was when I was at my lowest. Needless to say he disappeared that night. The next day was my birthday and as we had plans he ditched me. When I called his phone he never answered. I called his parents and that’s how I got through. He was angry. Always angry whenever I would do that. Call the house. He called me garbage and hung up on me. On my birthday. I can’t remember if any were ever celebrated for me. For him yes but me no. I say this because the next day we chatted on msn and be admitted when I make him sad he goes to other people to make him happy and so what if it’s other women and that wasn’t cheating because he didn’t have sex with them and he gets confused. When he said that I went straight to his work. First time ever but I was afraid hurt and distraught. He was panicked and tried everything in the book to deter me from going. But I needed to make myself known at his place of work. I wasn’t going to make a scene at all I’m not like that. He even went so far to tell me he wasn’t going to see me. I went anyway had him called at the main desk and waited with coffee. He quickly ushered me to the elevator to a floor that was dead empty. Never once pretending to know me or be romantically involved. 24 hrs later he told me he was having an affair with someone at work. He told me after we made love and he promised me he would never ditch me or call me names especially on my birthday. Right after. In an email when he went straight to work.
That was he first and only time. I forgave him. A month later we were working on our relationship. Since then he said I was never to go there again because he didn’t want to cause any scenes. These past three years he would constantly party with coworkers never tell me about it. I would just find out when I thought we had plans or wanted to talk and he would be somewhere noisy. He was “busy” and I would find out he was later at a bar with his coworkers. The same coworkers who he had told me cheat on their wives and gfs and he thinks it’s discusting.
Yeah he had me going. Nope any social networking site I wasn’t even invited. He never mentioned then. It was my doctors that asked me and him about it since they found him and I wasn’t on it. Needless to say an hour after that conversation I couldn’t find any sites and I found one but it was made private. Whenever I would ask him it would turn to a fight. Whenever I went near his phone I was crazy and how dare I. It was also locked. He always his his phone until this past year. Blatantly talking endlessly on text with coworkers. We’d have plans and he would get a text laugh and grab his stuff and leave. If I asked where he was going or what was happening I was too controlling and I was crazy. But he had to know where I was and every medical detail of me. Yep I was hoping he would come around. The doctors confronted him about his responsibilities and that’s when I saw his lies. He would say one thing to me one thing to he doctors and forget what he told me so he would say another thing. Nothing would match. The doctors did let him know his decision pattern was irregular and thensome. He didn’t talk to them for a month after that. Always blaming them. I believed him.
I will read the articles here. I’m such an idiot. God I am an idiot. My gut knew he was slightly abusive. I just saw him get better and then he would be caught up at work being busy.
Yes I see it now it’s a double life. I see now he should have included me. He should have. I do. We’d fight over it and I’d beg and he would get angry that I would eventually cry.
He always twisted everything to his advantage and I often felt set up.
Right now he hasn’t answered anything. I’m pretty confident he did cheat as he left very vague messages the night he had that arguement with the doctors. Very panicked needing to speak to me because they were giving him a hard time to please let him know how I’m doing even if I don’t want anything to do with him. The timing was when my friends went to his work to look for him because he refused to answer the doctors and I needed surgery.
I think he thinks I found out when in reality I don’t know what happened. All I know is our last conversation was out of love. I was hopeful. Scared sh*tless for my Cancer. Then waking up on the hospital and being told everything that had happened to me medically.
We haven’t been sexually active for months so I’m pretty sure I don’t have an std. We always used protection.
In any case this has opened my eyes. Thank you everyone for everything. I’m an honest person who just wants to know the truth. I’m broken right now. Don’t know where to start. Thank you.
Bluelight, what you feel right now “shock”, “confusion”…I will add angry, sad, mind racing…is sadly normal when you finally find out the truth about the person you have been dating or married to that they are a sociopath. The good news is you know now the truth of the abuse you have endured and you have a name to go with it. Note that all sociopaths are also narcissist.
Bluelight, you will cry ALOT, you will get to the point you will be angrier then you ever thought you could be, you will be in denial some moments then you will open your mind again to the truth about who he is.
Your emotions will be all over the place. This is what happens when you start to come out of the fog (brain washing/mind control) that the abuser has created. You will experience all the grieving stages just like a death in the family. It will be over whelming at times…come here and vent when you feel this way.
We have all been exactly where you are so please please know you are not alone anymore. Google “grieving stages” so that you will understand the emotional stages you are going through.
Also reach out to your countries National Domestic Violence Hotline each and every time you are very emotional…they understand what you are going through too. There is help so dont think you have to feel your emotional alone. Also let these emotions out dont stuff them in they will just come up down the road in your life. Writing in a journal helps too especially before bed.
This guy sounds exactly like my ex…my ex would create so much chaos & drama so that I was trying to figure out how to fix the relationship instead of leaving the relationship. Your boyfriend is using blame shifting, gas lighting abuse, projection, etc to control your mind. And he will start to use love bombing very soon so be ware…he will tell you he will change, he will cry, he will use pity play, then when that does not work he will shift to anger to try to control you…PLEASE use the NO CONTACT RULE starting today or when you have your exit plan in place.
My husband begged me to stay after I finally had proof of his two year affair…said he would change but he just got progressively worse in his abuse towards me, drama & chaos and when I finally left him for good 6 years later he was having affairs with 3 women in two different states. THEY DO NOT CHANGE!! EVER!!!!!! He is exactly what he has showed you with all the abuse that he had inflicted on you.
For me those 3 women he was having an affair with were my escape out of my marriage for good. After I left him & drove across country, I found a counselor who told me the truth. And I knew then he was never going to change but he would have continued to break me down
It sounds like he has a girlfriend (#2) at his place of work and this is why you are not invited to their parties/office. Check his phone bill if you need proof. But really the only proof you need is your gut add in the fact the doctors told you he was a sociopath and there is your true answer.
Hon, you are not an “idiot” so please erase that from your mind. These sociopaths are master manipulators they know exactly how to con someone into their game he has dozens of people he is conning right now at work, his family, friends etc so you are not the only victim of his but you are the only one really to know exactly how evil he is behind closed doors. Please know also that sociopathic behavior can be genetic so one or both of his parents might also be sociopaths.
******Do a search on NO CONTACT RULE SOCIOPATH on Lovefraud and also on the net. This is a rule that you must implement if you want to truly escape and live a peaceful life. This rule is the most important rule you will ever follow but get the help of an Exit Plan & your local domestic abuse center so that you have some protection.
We have all been where you are when you say “I’m broken right now”…..I know it feels absolutely overwhelming and you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I promise you will break free and soar again. You will find happiness again. It takes time to heal emotionally & mentally so be kind to yourself during your healing journey. It takes time too for you to heal your body from all the cancer & other health issues that come with the treatment.
😉 HUGS to you 😉
PS Donna’s books are excellent (see the book store at the top of this site for her list of books) and the book Woman who love psychopaths by sandra brown is one that my counselor gave me. All of these will continue to open your mind up from the brain washing.
This is from the net. Cut/Copy/Print this for you to look at when you have doubts about ending your relationship. No Contact rule:
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
Bluelight, first I want to send you huge HUGS, you have been through so much for someone so young.
The most important thing to realize now is you must listen to your gut, your gut will NEVER steer you wrong. You have read articles on lovefraud and you know in your heart and your gut that he fits the bill as a sociopath. That means is is extremely dangerous and you must start protecting yourself. DO NOT TELL HIM THAT THE DOCTORS TOLD YOU HE WAS A SOCIOPATH…this is for your safety!! Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview about listening to your gut.
Like Donna stated the hardest part to comprehend is the fact they are heartless. For me once I finally was told the truth by a counselor after I literally escaped my marriage the hardest part was comprehending that my husband (now ex) had on consciences…yes I knew in my gut that this was true but it took me 3 weeks for it to literally sink into my mind that I had been living for 12 years with an evil evil man who wanting nothing more then to emotionally & mentally break me down.
My best advise to you is for you to ask the hospital for help out of this abusive relationship. You state “The doctors mentioned his description and they mentioned he had a sociopathic decision making pattern and that they were concerned he wasn’t serious about being loyal caregiver to me.”
Ask these same doctors for a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with sociopath abuse (most counselors are not educated on this subject matter so it is vitally important to find one that is). Your Boyfriend is exactly like a cult leader and you are his cult follower so you need help out of this abusive controlling relationship. he has used so many mind games on you that you dont know which way is up or which way is down..this is how all victims of a sociopath feel so you are not alone in your confusion state.
My other advise is for you also to ask the hospital for a separate counselor who deals with life threading illnesses…they are like a grief counselor who can help you sort out your feelings with regards to cancer. It is normal to be scared and not know how to deal with your emotions when diagnosed with cancer. The hospital has these types of counselors typically on staff and typically are excellent. I would not recommend you uses this counselor type to deal with the sociopath in your life as they most likely will not be educated on this matter.
There are many support groups for Cancer patients. In the USA patients we can call National Cancer Foundations (there are countless) such as American Cancer Foundation and they will give patients support group locations so that you can chat with other people who are going through cancer treatment to get support, vent & learn about their treatment, eating changes etc. Also google the type of cancer you have with the word cancer foundation for specific support group. Just to let you know There are some type of cancers that are STD’s that your bf could have passed onto you since you mentioned he has cheated on you.
I would also recommend that you reach out to your national & local domestic abuse center. What victims of abuse do not realize is the bulk of abuse the endure from an abuser is emotional & mental abuse typically physical abuse does not come into the relationship until the victims is ready to leave or has left the relationship. It is important to have an “EXIT PLAN” out of this relationship. Once you leave you are in grave danger especially with a sociopath. Filling a restraining order may be necessary and your local abuse center will help you with than EXIT PLAN & with a restraining order. Google “Domestic abuse Exit plan”, “exit plan dr phil”, “domestic abuse exit plan you tube” and look at your National domestic abuse website for more info. YOU are in a domestic abusive relationship.
His parents will protect him…they have been doing it his whole life so you will not get any support from them. Your boyfriend has most likey also been telling them lies about you it’s called “sociopath smear campaign” (do a search here on lovefruad and on the net) this is a way for a sociopath not to be exposed to the world.
Some other sites psychopathfree. com & psychopathy awareness.wordpress. com and in the UK there is BaggageReclaim. com.
KEEP READING, READING, READING everything about sociopathic abuse it will open your mind up from your boyfriends brain washing & mind control (YES he has been brain washing you & mind controlling you also just like a cult leader). Reading will help you to open your mind and see the truth.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, WE HEAR YOU. Lovefraud is one of the best sites to learn everything about what you have been dealing with.
Wishing you all the best, take care.
PS YOU are not really in love with him…you are in love with the man he pretended to been but in reality he lied to you about everything.
PS. Do you think that it is possible that he has a girlfriend that he works with and this is why he did not want you to “just show up”? If he is attending parties with co workers and you were not invited this is living a double life. What was he hiding??
It is all to common for sociopaths to have many victims on the hook at one time. When I finally left my h I found proof that he was cheating on me with three different women in two different states this after finding out several years earlier that he had a two year affair with a co worker. When I found out about that affair he begged me to stay said he would change. He never changed he just broke me down everyday that I stayed to control me.
My counselor told me that he had dozens of affairs as this is what sociopaths do. If you read Donna’s story (Lovefraud creator) she too experienced the cheating deception. This might be another reason why his parents dont want to get involved they know he has endless women in his life.
Ask your doctors to test your cortisol levels as this is an issue with cancer/cancer treatment and with a breakup/PTSD
Honestly I now think for sure he was hidding something.
It is the only thing that makes sense. I’m a firm believer when you have nothing to hide you hide nothing.
Bluelight, I am a firm belvier too in that if you have nothing to hide you hide nothing. What you have describe of your bf is exactly the chaos & drama my ex h created when he was cheating continuously on me. it was absolutely craziness that he created. You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride around them and you feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to have them blow up at you.
Once you go no contact you will start to see & feel peace & calmness in your life again
I will read. I’m sighing over here. This is a lot to take in. Everything is making sense.
I changed doctors. He told me in order to have him continue supporting me through my diagnosis and fight he couldn’t be around those doctors.
I am going for a bath to relax and then I’m going to start reading.
Thank you. Really. Thank you.
Bluelight, your welcome!! 😉
I am with Donna (Lovefraud) that you need to remove him from your medical form giving him power. He is not looking out for your best interest. The doctors saw this so protect yourself asap from this evil man. Once you implement the No contact rule he may become very angry and may want to harm you medically or do something with your medical records as this is what sociopaths do they want to emotionally, mentally, financially and physically harm their target victims. Your medical forms have a lot of personal info such as your personal ID number etc. So this is another reason you need to take him off.
You might even want to go back to the other doctors because it seems they have your best interest at heart and will protect you/your medical files.
Take your time reading all the info….it’s a lot to take in…and you need to process everything otherwise you can over load your mind, body & spirit.
Your going to be ok…it just takes time.
Good night 😉
Last night after reading NoMoreWools post to me, I finally popped out of the “depths of despair” mode. I felt validated. I realized that I allowed myself to get caught up in the fantasy that I had a sincere loving man who really wanted a relationship with me and that once I moved up north it woukd work out and I would finally have a man to share my life with instead of being alone.
The fact that you validated that I was now going to have to grieve the loss of that dream, really helped me tremendously. I was feeling angry at myself for not being wise in how I handled the whole encounter and then I started to soul search about how I played a role in the whole fantasy. And I thought about how naive I was to not check to see if he was being truthful about staying off datingbsites while we were communicating. I trusted someone I did not know well enough and let myself get caught up in his lovebombing. I was so happy to finally meet a man that seemed to really care for me. I guess I need to work on my self esteem more so that I am not so desperate to allow myself to ignore the red flags I saw and FELT ALL ALONG.
The old “follow your gut” rule!
The red flags were : he came on too strong too fast. Spoke of marriage before we even met.
98% of our communication was phone calls and texts and there were lapses in returned texts
He didn’t make the effort to see me in person
He spoke of his dysfunctional relationship with his adopted mother
He has been single for 13 years and addicted to online communication ( dating sites)
Couldn’t make eye contact with me when we met. My 17 yr old daughter said he’s “shady”
His recent Xgf said he needs therapy for anger management which he did go to
He cried tears about his mother abusing his father and him on our second get together
He was mean to his daughter when she was young and overweight and called her names and
Now regrets the relationship is tainted
His 25 year old son lives with him and he supports him
There’s just so many questions in my mind about ypthe whole encounter! One thing is that when I was on my way up for our ” special night ” finally, he texted me when I was ten minutes away that ” his son is home so we will have to behave for awhile lol” What? His son was sleeping and he didn’t even want to take me up to see the upstairs of his house! He only poured me one glass of wine and put the rest away. This was my hint that I was not staying overnight. He didn’t even offer for me to stay on the couch! I live two hours away, so at midnight, knowing I was so tired., I said ” I better go” thinking he would ask if I wanted to stay or if I was ok to drive. So I left and had to pick up my daughter and drive all of the way home ! ( I dropped off my daughter to visit her sister in college nearby!!!)
That was cold! And his son always has HIS gf overnight! It was very disturbing. Didn’t even text me the next day in the morning as he usually does. Then asked ” how was the ride home” I had the worst headache and was drifting off as I was driving !
Both times that we got together his actions didn’t match the loveboming prior. He didn’t seem excited to see me.
He also mentioned how a woman he met from a dating site practically attacked him (sexually) on the first meeting. Well, he probably love bombed Her with the same words he told me!!!! He writes how he can’t wait to kiss me and hold me and make love to me!!! Then he is cold on meeting!
So…. I am left with perplexed feelings! The only thing I can surmise is that he is only able to be intimate online where it’s impersonal. He is insecure about his weight. He has a huge belly and is not in shape!
So last night I asked myself…. Do I really even like HIM?
That’s when I popped into reality and out of the “fantasy” I buikt up in my head.
So I learned a valuable lesson. GO SLOWLY next time. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
And if seems too good to be true…. It is. It’s fake.
Now I want something real.
Dear Jan 7
I am again here. Again I am in distress. I was healing reading your posts and your help but presently I have found that man with a woman in an intimate position in a car in road. Again severe depressive attack on me. And I am in depression. I am taking anti depressants. My mother can not see me like this way and called that guy, he said that he had moved on in two months and whats wrong in that. He can not help me as a friend also. I know that lady .. he said previously he doent like her. And now he is having sex with her. Why me Jan 7. That lady was a divorced lady and she does not want to get married so why he did not go with her in a relationship previously. Why he spoilt my life. Why he gave me tears and pain so much. Why cant i move on? I can trust anyone. He said he will become spiritual and will never go into a relationship. And see now what he is doing? I felt so hurt so deceited. The person whom I helped him throughout his seperation in his fathers illness just threw me away like a garbage. My mom also begged and ask him to support me as a friend but he denied. How one could be so brutal and ungrateful? Please say something? Please say will these people suffer in their old days? May be that will give me some comfort. I cant ever forgive him.
Hi Nisa, sending lots of hugs to you. It’ not easy to move on…like the old saying “time heals all wounds”…well it takes lots of time before that happens when you are dealing with a sociopath.
You do NOT want this guy in your life what so ever….look at what he is doing now, he is having sex with a woman in a car, this is a grown man having sex in a car…..this guy does not love her…he only wants sex from her. Sociopaths always want something… money, sex, a place to live, etc. they can not feel anything including love or loving someone else. You catching him having sex with her in the car is a perfect example of why you don’t want to be with him.
Why is he having sex in a car? because he is MARRIED and he can not go home and why can’t he go to this woman’s home? who knows maybe he wants to keep her off guard to control her.
Either way you want a loving guy who will make love to you in a bed NOT have sex with you in a car.
Please reach out to your family…they are your family they can help you. Please do not isolate yourself not now when you need close friends & family around you.
For your health find a good endocrinologist doctor to get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance all issues with victims coming out of abusive toxic relationship.Within in hours/days of getting the right hormones you will feel dramatically like your old self. See Mia Lundin’s book and her site mialundin. com. THIS IS the missing link to feeling like your old self again & quickly.
This guy is VERY COLD HEARTED….keep reading everything at the top of Lovefraud under the red/gray tabs and watch the videos up there you need to open your mind up from his brain washing & mind control.
Also see psychopathyawareness. wordpress
YOU are not alone please please keep reaching out for support including your local domestic abuse center.
Huge Hugs to you Nisa!!
Glad you reached out for support here today.
Take care.