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By | April 30, 2015 244 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Deception from the first encounter, and every single day thereafter

sad and stressed womanEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “amille2.”

When my boyfriend……….or should I say the man I thought was my boyfriend………..walked out the door a couple of days ago, I told him I felt like I had been sucker punched. He replied, “No, you haven’t” and shut the door.

Just two days before that, I read his wife/girlfriend?’s grandmother’s obituary whereby he was listed as the husband/significant other.

The physical jolt that went through my body was immense ……….. followed by the sound of every lie I had been told for the past 5 years clicking open in front of me to see ……….. really see this time. Then they all came crashing down at my feet ………. taking my heart and part of my soul with them.

The absolute depth of the deception is too much to comprehend right now. Surreal really. We aren’t talking “I’m staying in tonight and you find out later he went out with his friends” kind of lies. I’m talking about the foundation …….. from the first encounter …… and every single day thereafter.

He suffered a head injury in the military. It meant that every day he woke up with a headache ……… that gradually became worse as the day went on. It affected his short-term memory ………….. but not long term. He had PTSD. He was in counseling because of his severe anxiety about having people in his house. He was a recovering meth addict from the meds given for his head pain ……. And while I knew acquaintances that confirmed the head injury ……. and I did see some anti anxiety meds prescribed by the VA. I will not even try and guess the real story.

All of this meant, of course that I could only see him during the day. As I worked from home, I would gleefully take a long lunch and make up the work later in the evenings or weekends. Besides, I could not see him during those times because he was either home resting from the migraine or busy with his daughter.

I was at his house one time …….. anything feminine was attributed to his daughter. Met his parents and brothers once in passing …… not one of his friends …. though he talked to them often about me, he said. He asked me not to mail anything to his house. It seems his last girlfriend tried to come between him and his son. To this day, his son is so traumatized by it, he doesn’t let his son know when he is seeing someone. After his son moved out, I still couldn’t mail anything because his anxiety of having people in the house was spilling over to even having mail delivered. We did take a couple of weekend trips …. but they were short and he was always in a hurry to return. Holidays were celebrated before or after the actual day. I didn’t really mind as I have two children, parents, cousins, etc. that I all wanted to nest with. I cherish this family time and I liked not having to worry about whether or not he was entertained or bored by family stories. It worked out rather well, didn’t it?

As I continue to pick through the rubble of lies in front of me, I’m dismayed as to how careless and stupid I was with my soul. How easily I dismissed all the odd stories; the fact that every ex girlfriend tried to control him and I should avoid them at all costs; the lies about things that didn’t need to be lies; the grandiose explanation when he ended up going to a friend’s wedding without me; the victimization he faced throughout his childhood and marriage; how we never went anyplace significant in the local area together; how I couldn’t even walk up to his front door for a quick kiss because he was too anxious to handle that; and his fascination with porn …. more than I probably can imagine.

Of course, I didn’t have the benefit of receiving all of this information at one time. It all accumulated slowly …….. like the proverbial frog in boiling water. Each new inconsistency was built upon the last and could be easily explained ……….. or at least I thought it could.

I knew all along that something wasn’t right. This was not even close to a normal relationship.

I stayed because he was handsome and charming. He showered me with gifts and proclamations of love. He sent flowers and wrote the most beautiful letters, cards and emails. He text me several times a day telling me how much he missed me. He endeared himself to my children. He fixed things at my parent’s house. He never once said anything unkind or asked for money. I was always beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and giving. We had a great sex life. Lots of sex.

I will say that the last 6 months my soul has been trying to wake me up. I was putting distance between us. Told him I had many conference calls or activities with the kids. I was starting to see glimpses through the mask. One of our last conversations he told me that he saw me as his future. My first thought was that I didn’t believe him; my second was that I didn’t feel the same.

Yet here I sit. Knowing that I traded part of my heart and part of my soul to feel love and security. Knowing that someday it was going to haunt me …… but never truly knowing why and to the extent. Devasted to realize I traded myself for nothing in return.

Discovering his double life is painful. Realizing I meant nothing to him. The cards, the gestures, the words ……… all empty. I had the strength to politely tell him that I was depleted. That he had to go. I didn’t cry, beg, get angry or ask him why. It would have been a waste of what little I have left of me now. I’m constantly anxious and afraid he will return to try and convince me that I’m wrong about him. He claims his ex girlfriend planted the obit because she is still stalking him after all this time. That he’d be happy to have me go to one of his therapy sessions with him. That he knows that he needs to work on himself …….. that his issues cause me to doubt him …… and if he changed, would I take him back?

I am so glad I found your website and book. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I’m trying not to replay every conversation in my head over and over again. I’m trying to understand that this man is no longer in my life. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the irony that his last words to me were actually the truth.

 

 


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Marisol – thank you so much for sharing. You have eloquently captured what so many Lovefraud readers feel.

What I so appreciate about your piece and Donna’s response is the expression of your experience…it is odd in looking back at my own trek to see how mild words make it seem…but the reality was that my spirit was harmed…something uniquely kind was damaged without any form of regret from the perpetrator…thank you for sharing this.

amille2

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It is/was very therapeutic to write. I googled “depth of deception” or something of that nature…..and here I am.

Still so surreal to me.

But I have found so much strength here…..

Jan7

Marisol, I am so sorry that you had to find out he was married in the way that you did…I imagine it was completely & utterly shocking. I am glad that you had the strength to search the net for the truth finding your way to this wonderful site LF and to post your story. It’s not easy to open up especially when you are still in the state of shock but it is a great way to start your healing journey and to find support.

The lies they tell are just unbelievable and never ending. After 12 hellish years of being married to a sociopath I will never know the truth about all of his double & triple lying lives but what I did find out and what at the time did not make sense but after being told by a counselor that I was married to a sociopath was enough to know that I need out of my abusive marriage. So as painful as it is for you to find out the truth you will come to realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to you in the last 5 years. The truth does set us free!!

Be sure to watch Donna Anderson’s videos at the top of this site under the red tab and do a search on Lovefraud and the net for the following:

gas lighting abuse & sociopath gas lighting abuse

No contact rule & narcissist no contact rule

sociopath pity play

sociopath Love bombing

This guy will come boomeranging back into your life so we prepared by educating yourself on his manipulative games. Come here to ask questions/vent etc.

Wishing you all the best!!

Take care

Jan7

ps one of the worse things you can do with a sociopath is go to couples therapy as they always will manipulate the counselor and turn everything around to blame the victims they are masterful at this game!!! Best to go to individual counseling by yourself with a extremely knowledgeable counselor on narcissist & sociopathic abuse.

amille2

Jan7. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my letter. I have no intention of contacting him again. As I mentioned, the depth of deception is too deep……and I have a daughter that I must model/show her that you do not stay in a relationship with someone like this (she is young; knows he was unfaithful but not the extent of what I found out).

I am trying to educate myself as much as possible……out of fear that he will return……I have read through many of the stories…am reading Donna’s book…….am going to find a counselor that can help me heal. It was a shock yet so beneficial to read that my over abundance of empathy led me astray.

It is very comforting to know that I’m not alone………that I am not completely stupid……and that there are people out there (like you) that care.

Thank you again.

Jan7

Almille2, your welcome 😉

I think that is one of the most important things that comes out of finding out the truth about our mate and that is we are not alone. They isolate us from our friends/family and in your case he isolated you from his friends/family.

I remember when I started to search the net the day that I was told by my counselor that my h was a sociopath. I had been searching for answers through “marriage counseling” and even though I told each counselor that he had no remorse, guilt, shame, lied about everything, cheated etc (every trait of a sociopath without knowing what I was describing to them) they never told me get out asap! I felt so trapped and alone, desperate for answers & desperate to end my marriage but I was so mentally exhausted from all of his craziness & drama that I could not find the door out on my own. It was not until I literally escaped, drove across country & found a counselor to tell me the truth did I finally have closure on my marriage. YOU are no longer alone, we are here for you & you can reach out to your local abuse center for free counseling (although they do not talk about sociopathic behavior) & free women group meetings.

No you are not “stupid”…none of us are…they are sleek con artist who mimicked our dreams, belief systems and hopes…no one stands a chance against a sociopath con artist.

You should be very proud of yourself Amille because you see exactly who he is, you know that going no contact for you and your daughter is a must, you ended your relationship and would rather be alone then with him. This is a HUGE step in such a short amount of time. So pat yourself on the back and give ourself lots of high fives!!!! Bravo!!

Finding the right counselor is not easy, finding a counselor who knows about sociopathic abuse is not easy…so keep in mind you might have to fire one or two (or more) until you find the right one.

Donna Anderson of Lovefraud has a life coach program if you go to the top under the red tap “contact us” you can learn more. I have not used her services but her website here is excellent & I would guess the same for her services as she is a very educated & highly intelligent caring woman who has accomplished lots before/after being conned by her ex h. You might also want to contact your local abuse center to see if they have any outside counseling recommendations.

As your daughter grows into her teenage years dont forget to educate her too on how to spot a dangerous man (boy) as 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths mainly men and 1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist these are the bullies in school who grow up to manipulate, control and abuse their spouses & bf.

YOU are going to come out of this nightmare a stronger version of your old self. So be kind to yourself as you process all of the lying, chaos & drama that he did to you and your daughter. Think about filing a restraining order too with the help of your local abuse center for your protection & change your locks & think about installing a home security system from a hard ware store like Home Depot/lowes (USA) they have security systems starting as low as $15 for a door and a package for $100 that take batteries & are easy to install with a simple screw driver. Advise your neighbors to call the police if they see his car or him near your home. You can bring your door lock tumblers to home depot to change them, it’s cheaper then changing the whole door lock. Just call them for a price. Taking the tumblers out is not hard.

Another site that will help educate you is psychopathyawareness. wordpress.

A few additional books that might help you out:

Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown

Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan

The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout

Take care

Jan7

ps the book “The sociopath next door” you can listen to the audio version on you tube for free just google. The others can be found on amazon.

angelina

Question Please…
I just woke up startles at 5:55 am. I took what my dr. prescribed two days ago just now.. a mg of klonopin.

In my dreams…. and upon waking… I thought of all the girls I know down on “The Ave” that he will attempt to con and use. WHY CANT I INFORM THEM… SAVE THEN just as we would a burglar, child molestor or rapist? Some os these women are old and unattractive… he uses his amazing looks, body, sex to manipulate them and it works. I fell for sure… He also chooses widows with money.
why cant there be a news report…

CAUTION; THIS MAN JUST LIED UNDER THE GUISE OF LOVE AND ENGAGEMENT AND USED THIS WOMAN… A LOCAL music therapist with dementia residents and a Nursing Home where he met her thru his work…
and succeeded at conning her out of 10.000 dollars, free room and board for almost a year, a new car after his 2005 Camaro was repossessed …. and he will do it to you.
He is also emotionally and physically abusive but has said he holds back and does not beat the women he wants to… b/c he wants his pension from the Fire Dept.

why cant I try and find the numbers and contact these women? Why? He is teling them that I BEAT HIM AND ABUSED HIM AND KICKED HIM OUT AND HE HAS NOWHERE TO TO go. I am crazy and he just couldnt be abused anymore.

Does anyone see the evil , the twisted evil of the above?

If you could just tell me why I should not contact these women? for one… he has told so many of them that I am nuts.. that they would not even accept my friend requests on facebook. I have shut my fb down and I think that is a good idea.
if there is a restraining order on someone and a background check is run for employment… will it appear on the report?
I kind of wish I had not taken the med cuz I have to go to work at some point today…. but on my own time.
the reality of it all just hit me like a ton of bricks when I woke up. his plotting arms not holding me… while his lips utter I love you throughout the night and morning.

amille2

Many thanks for the suggested reading! I will definitely start them once I finish Donna’s book.

AnnettePK

Good Morning Kitty,

Your desire to warn other victims is the way many survivors feel. It’s natural for good people to want to protect others.

It doesn’t usually work well with spaths. Consider whether you would have believed the warnings of an ex girlfriend when the spath was in the love bombing stage of deceiving you and he appeared to be such a great person. Your ex is telling the lies about you to his new victims to preemptively discredit you, in case the new victims compare notes with the old victims. If you try to warn them, you will most likely be viewed by them and the rest of the world as a bitter ex.

Another reason is that it is not good for you. Your ex may try to harm you if you interfere with his preying on new victims. Putting your energy into your recovery and staying safe will enable you to do more good in the world in the long run.

If warning new victims worked, we’d all be doing it effectively, and there would be a lot less victims. Sadly, it generally doesn’t work. It just backfires. Many well meaning victims discovered this the hard way.

What you can do is let a new victim in a relationship know you are available to answer questions if she has any questions. This applies to someone who has been seeing him for awhile. You can send a brief note saying something like I understand you’re dating so-and-so. If you ever have any questions for me or would like to talk, you’re welcome to contact me.

When you’re going through the worst of the aftermath, as you are now, you need your energy to recover and take care of your own needs. Keeping your life simple so you can focus on the basics can help.

amille2

Jan7…..thank you. Trying very hard not to beat myself up. However all these lies I stuffed in the corner of my brain keep surfacing….and I cringe at myself.

Ironic isn’t it? If a friend came to me and told me my story as hers, I would tell her he was lying…that she would be crazy to stay with him…

Do you really think he is going to come back? Do these guys need to be the ones to break up? In other words, he’ll be back because he didn’t break up with me? If so, then I will need to think of a way to let him break up with me if he returns.

He hasn’t done anything to warrant a restraining order. I fear even if I were able to obtain, it might provoke. I’m not sure he can stalk ….at least not at night. What would he tell his wife? He never had a key to my house…..but I will definitely change the code to the garage. I appreciate your warnings. I will be more vigilant about checking my surroundings.

My mother told me to always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I’m telling my daughter to do that too…just never to the point that you sacrifice yourself.

Thank you again for your responses. You have no idea how much you are helping me.

AnnettePK

Whether they initiate the breakup or not, they tend to come back because they are always trolling for what they can exploit someone for. They never really were in a relationship and they are never really out of it, in their minds.

Jan7

Amille, it is normal that all of the lies they told purge up in our brains….sociopaths use brain washing, mind control, trance, & hypnosis to control their victims and to control our minds so lots of thoughts during your relationship were repressed. Sociopaths ARE cult leaders and the victims are the cult followers. Even if they only have one follower they play the same mental games as if they had 1000 followers. He was your cult leader & you were his cult follower. So you need to open up your mind and all the repressed memories will flood out.

As over whelming as it is for all of these thoughts to “keep surfacing” it is your brain’s way of sorting out everything and purging the bad out vs storing it. Our brains know what to do to have a peaceful & calm life.

You will have triggers that will make you cry out of no where or get mad. Let all of these emotions flow out of your mind. Journaling helps or venting here. What ever you do dont stuff your feelings down as they will come up down the road and eventually you will have to deal with them. Best to sort them out now.

These guys come back maybe in a week or maybe in years but when they dont have a new victim hooked or a victim dumps them or they dump the victim. DONT panic about him coming back…instead educate yourself so that you know his games ie gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, pity play etc That way you have control of the situation not him.

Read everything you can get your hands on about the No Contact Rule. This rule is your power, your way to protect you and your daughter. Right now you should change your email address, close out your social media accounts or at least block him & put strong privacy protection on them and if your daughter has these types of accounts do the same for her accounts. Prevent him from contacting you.

IF he contacts you via phone, email, text etc IRNORE HIM do NOT respond he will bait you back into his sick twisted game. If he comes to your door call the police. Do not worry about calling the police and the impact it has on him. Your job is to protect you & your daughter period. Best to change your phone number too.

I know what you mean about that if a friend came to you, I was the same way…I saw who my ex was the very first day I meet him really the very second I meet him…but what you will learn is these guys are playing a con game, a game we had no idea we were playing and we did not know the rules of their games. We got sucked into a sociopath’s tornado and the only thing we were focused on was surviving but once we are out we see every game they played. Remember they brain washing, mind control, trance, & use hypnosis to control our minds. They can use these things in emails, text too this is another reason to block them and not read their ranting emails.

He is a sociopath these guys are sneaky so you still might want to change your locks because he could have taken your key or spare and had one made. This is the evilness they do. I dont want to scare you but you have to protect yourself.

These guys are master manipulators with their words….he may come back to tell you more plausible lies or tell you that he is getting a divorce because he wants to be with you and that he was afraid to tell you he was married. He’ll tell you that he and his wife were really separated the whole time but they had to stay in the house together for ie the kids, because of financial reasons etc. They will try anything to suck the victim back in. When I found out about my husbands first two year affair he begged me, cried, sobbed, used words to twist everything around ie his married mistress what trolling and sucked him in then he blamed me but never took any responsibility. He asked me to go to marriage counseling which was a waste of time, money and was so crazy because he turned everything around on me and the counselor bough his manipulation hook line & sinker.

Keep in mind he has been lying to his wife the whole time he has been with you. And all the mental games he played on you he played on her. She is most likely at her wits end and if she leaves him (hopefully this will happen to her as she is a victim too) he may attempt to suck you back into his game maybe in a year or ten years.

Your welcome again…I was exactly where you were not long ago…others lifted me up when I needed help to understand everything that I was going through.

You are going to shine again….you are doing great sorting all of his craziness out.

Hugs to you!

see psychopathyawareness.wordpress site

AnnettePK

Jan7, Thanks for the cult analogy. It’s a helpful frame to view what they do. We thought we were in a relationship; we were not. It was something else, and a cult, with even one follower, is what it was. I’ve heard it said that spaths don’t have friends, they have followers.

stronginthecity

Amille2,
Hello and thank you for sharing your story.
I want to say one thing you are not is stupid.
You are a caring, nurturing and trusting person like the rest of us here.
Who was to know that a person such as this exists.
That women’s intuition, which my expath told me was broken is alive and well in you.
Feel free to read my rantings, my story starts as “He makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama” but my story and posts are all over this website as I went back and forth in what is called cognitive dissonance.. I learned that here.
It’s the pulling back and forth that people feel when they are under the abusers evil spell.
You are in the right place for support.
Stronginthecity

angelina

We are here for you Amille…..

and Strong… abuser’s evil spell….

perfect!

I felt sick this morning… when I picked up a pen to write with.. and it was one from he Fire Dept.
you know what it says on it?

TO SERVE AND PROTECT.

How about

TO MAKE OTHERS SERVE HIM AND HARM THEM AS WELL.

bluelight

I just want to say thank you to all of you. What you have described is what I’ve been facing this week. As my earlier posts I came out of the hospital and here we are. This week has been the “I am rolling down a mountain and can’t stop emotional devastation”. Your comment described how I feel. Things didn’t add up for me too. The relationship I had was around eleven years albeit I never got to meet any of his work friends ( for 5 years) even though he said he spoke about me. I took the love filled advice that was given here by many beautiful women and I thank you. I got myself checked out for stds and I also had to change my locks and install a camera. As for mine he has many personal belongings the hospital sent to him. Some expensive ( phone, computer etc), and some irreplaceable ( pictures of my friends that have died of the same disease I was in the hospital for). Here although I have been looking for a therapist who is knowledgae of sociopaths. The abuse centers here don’t help on that front. They send you to the national medical off centers that are just intern social workers giving you five counseling sessions. At this point I have now made a list of all the books to read people lost on this site. I find it helps. I litterslly am only starting to sleep after being discarded. No answers. Nothing. I have asked for my things back. I’ve asked what’s wrong. Nothing. Which when I would receive the silent treatment is not unusual. The sure sign to break it is to beg and just as I would give up hope he’d come back and turn it all around on to me. No apology no explaination nothing. Or if I went to visit his parents. His parents know I am out of the hospital. I spoke to them the day after I posted here first. And they had questions about my doctors and my treatments but no answers about the their son or where my things were. In the past I have been such a push over. Too scared. Too traumatized. I was abandoned as a child and he knew of it so guess what he’d do? But that’s not all he’d do. Any case I also looked into the idea of him having an affair at work. Since I was never welcomed there. It looks like he very well was is while I was in the hospital with surgeries. I know how I was treated was sick. I know I don’t deserve it on the outside but on the inside I’m very hurt. I question my self what if I didn’t get sick? What if what if what if.
But in reality this week I have been shocked. Broken. Panicked. And then wanting the lies to stop and to know the truth. So I started to look on the Internet. I found multiple social networking sites. Everything private. All the coworkers he would talk about and mention all on them but I was left out. I even found a site that can tell you who was the last person that person looked up on the local working databases for the area. Guess what? The girl he cheated on me with. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this is another silent treatment. If he’s seeing someone else while I was in the hospital but I’m like you. If I found out I would want to warn her. So thank you for all your comments ladies. It’s helping. I wish I could keep my mind busy enough. Right now it’s going over the last 11 years asking myself what stood out. What wasn’t normal. And what in the heck was the truth. How do you make peace without conclusion? He clearly was hidding something. Especially if people at work were included and I wasn’t. It just hurts. All of it. I don’t lie. I actually respect people’s feelings and love them and to find out the depth I don’t even know where to begin. So I’m reading the list of books. I’m reading your comments ladies and I just want to say thank you.

Jan7

Bluelight, I am glad that you shared more of your story with us.

The reality is you will never know the full truth of his betrayal. They live such a sick & twisted deceptive life. It’s all a big con game to them.

Your closure is the fact that you now know the truth = that he is a sociopath. And the fact that the best thing that ever happened was you ending this relationship. You will get to a point that you dont care what the full truth is because what you witnessed was enough of a nightmare.

It’s hard at first but with time you will see that he brought nothing but chaos & drama to your life. Keep reading & watching the videos at the top of this site under the red tab “video”. Also see psychopathyawareness.wordpress it has more info for you to read.

Hugs!!

Wishing you the best. Take care

amille2

Strong…thank you for your time and willingness to reach out.

“Who was to know these people exist?” struck a cord with me. That helps me to stop kicking myself a bit. Obviously I know what a sociopath is….we have seen what the media gives us.

To have one in my life? Not him….he was so thoughtful…. Kind…bought me the most thoughtful gifts…..never asked for money…..no Jekyll and Hyde…..he even bought a Christmas gift for one of my friends…..

Besides… My ex husband is an alcoholic.., I knew how to spot lies…LOL….

My friends don’t understand. They just think he wanted his cake and eat it too. That he must have really loved me and liked spending time with me. Some married men cheat.

They don’t understand the depth of the lies…..that everything was a lie….or a kernal of truth wrapped in fabrication….if I try and give an example they then say “and you believed that?” Back to kicking myself..,

Yesterday was hard….really hard….these memories…. The “oh now I understand why he did that.,..” They keep stopping me in my tracks.

Strong…thank you again….those words help me pick myself up and keep moving…..because you are so right? Who knew?

angelina

maybe that will be the name of my book on recovery from the devastation of a sociopath./narcissist.

“Who Knew?”

Well… we do now…. and we will empower ourselves with education on this wack jobs and carry the message to others….

Happy Sunday everyone!

Kittylover

AnnettePK

Kitty, That is a great book title! Put me down for a copy. If you’re up to it, you could start writing parts of it now.

angelina

OH MY GOD THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID WITH ME.

And the one female Dr. who saw thru him and asked,
“Why are you going thru her emails and her phone?”

He told me she was a stupid, menopausal jewish bitch who knew nothing.

that he loved me.. and that was it.

I NEVER WEnt back and she would not see me anymore since I stayed with him.

amille2

Kittylover….I didn’t sleep last night either..,. I’m probably the last person to answer your question.., still so new to this situation…. But true to my nature, I have been devouring Donnas book any any article I can find on the subject.

Ask yourself this.,.when you thought you loved him and someone tried to warn you…..would you have believed her? LOL… I didn’t even believe myself when the red flags were waving right in front of my face.

If you pursue these women….then you become the crazy one. He can turn to them and say, See what I mean? Secondly, and maybe this is just me…but there is no way I am going to give this man any more of me…..and that means he doesn’t get to see my pain, the tears, the fear, the doubts, the withdrawal from what I thought was his love…if you continue to try and contact these women…you are giving him more of you/he gets to see all that.

Lastly, are you sure you want give him reason to retaliate? These guys have no conscious. While my guy never showed me any anger…never….he told stories of anger/violence in his “past.” I prefer to stay as far away as possible.

My friends think I’m crazy but I actually feel sorry for his wife/girlfriend. She is probably supporting him financially….. Paid for all those gifts that I threw away. I can’t save her though. And you know what? She may already know something….suspects he was cheating on her…yet chooses to stay…

I need to save myself now. I need to work on me. I already gave him too much.

The best revenge is to move on…..

angelina

Amille…. I just woke up from my klonopinn induced nap to read your glorious post.
This gives me a whole new outlook and attitude. .. Thaaaaaaaaaaaank you. I’m moving on…. he can prowl the ave and the bars in. Search of victims all he wants.. he’s not my concern anymore. Xoxoxo

amille2

Kittylover..thank you for your posts….comforting to know I am not alone…..although it saddens me to think we have all been hurt in this way.

My friends don’t really understand….and I don’t blame them. I don’t completely understand it all either..probably never will.

I will keep reading….draw strength from this group…keep moving….

angelina

I LOVE IT….. SOCIOPATHS DO NOT HAVE FRIENDS… THEY HAVE FOLLOWERS….

Can we make bumper stickers and tshirts out of that one?

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW TRUE THIS IS… b/c every “friend” of his to whom Id speak…. did not know a damned thing about him.. except for the “words” of the script the spath was performing.

Who knows the spaths? THE VICTIMS.

AnnettePK

That is so true – that it is the victims who truly know what the spaths are and what they do. When people did not believe me or second guessed my assessment of my ex psychopath, I would think, “I was in a marriage relationship (fake of course) with him; I should know what he is like.”

stronginthecity

Kitty,
I think t shirts and bumper stickers are a fantastic idea!
Let’s spread the word…without feeling embarrassed about it!
Be brave!
Strong

Thistooshallpass

Kittylover,

Good thinking on the bumper stickers!! It reminds me of a picture my friend sent me of a bumper sticker she saw, “It’s better to have LOVED and LOST than to live with a PSYCHO the REST OF YOU LIFE.” Haha! We need to go into business and spread the word! All the World needs to be more informed of these monsters.

I remember trying to inform a few mutual friends when I discovered spath #1. All it did was cause more damage. No one believed me. And now I’m the crazy one. You all know how it goes!

stronginthecity

amille2,
Excellent advice!
Stronginthecity

angelina

You all rock.

stronginthecity

Kitty…
I understand the desire to warn others about Mr. crazy.
We have all been there and some of us(me) have followed through with it and regretted it.
Example:
When I was with my ex back in 2006 when he was still MARRIED, telling me that he was separated and getting a divorce..I decided to contact the wifey…big mistake. Even though I gave her the password to my voice mail to listen to the messages he left me while he was going back and forth between Florida, where she lived and my town..1200 miles away he was playing both of us.
He was telling me divorce, telling her lets be a family and even after I let her listen to the messages telling me how much he missed me and loves me and can’t wait to see me, making dinner plans for us etc…I gave her my pin, she listened to the messages and still did not believe me…
Your guy will hang himself eventually or mess with the wrong person and you won’t have to worry what he says.
Kitty, look at this..that was 2006 and he left me to go back to his wife which I had told him all along that if he decided to do that I would understand because there were 2 kids and I am all for families staying together if possible. He JUST LEFT..no explanation, just left town and that was it. NO CLOSURE for me.
2013, I let him back in my life because I didn’t do my homework after he left me depressed and suicidal desperately trying to figure what the hell happened.
Anyway, I know that I am rambling but don’t waste one more minute thinking about HIM. YOU KNOW. I DIDNT..I let this piece of crap crazy person back into my life and have regretted it since he started his stalking me in 2013…
Try to let it go.
The domestic violence support in your area should be able to give you some info an legal aid that can support you through getting the RO in place…he will get his. Don’t you worry.
Let him say whatever he wants.
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY!!!!!!
Your LF buddy,
Stronginthecity

angelina

STRONG…. THIS POST IS SO UPLIFTING AND INSPIRING AND YOU ARE my LF Buddy for sure.
thank you so so so so much.

I forget about kharma.

Gosh… every little thing I have done wrong… has boomeranged right back to me. I cannot get away with anything. 🙂

thank you all sooooo much for your support during this!

he has not been served the ro yet. will not happen until next week and I do not understand that and it is so unfair. since he was living with me.. we now do not have a home address from him… but they do have the fire dept address and will serve him there. It just stinks cuz he works one day (24 hours) and then is off two.
and has sat on my couch and played xbox and contacted other women using my home… my wifi… my everything…. trust… body.. oh it is just criminal and disgusting.
<3

stronginthecity

Kitty,
You sound so much better and I am glad that we have been helpful.
You have come a long way from 2 weeks ago.
He does not live with you anymore and will never sit on your couch and use YOUR things or you ever again.
Yes, it sucks but you are well on your way.
Keep reading on here and the other sites, find out as much as you can and take care of you.
I got some beautiful tan lines today which are only for me to see!
Read Donna’s article about William Allen Jordan..
Your friend,
Stronginthecity

AnnettePK

Even if the counselor really was severely out of line, what he called her is disrespectful and crude.

Old fashioned wisdom says that a man who treats a waitress badly is going to treat his wife (or anyone he can get away with it) badly.

Respect isn’t about whether someone deserves respect, it’s a reflection on the person being respectful. There’s no cost and lots to be gained by being respectful of everyone whether they deserve it or not. Being respectful doesn’t mean being best friends, or hiring someone, or working with or for someone, or giving them time or energy.

I found this very true…and it is like a double wallop….because one is victimized (even if unwittingly) by the therapist….I glad you said this…

Jan7

This article on the No Contact rule is from narcissistfree:

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

smallsteps

Honestly, I can’t believe what I’m reading. This is exactly what I’ve been going through. My boyfriend of 2 years walked out on Monday, packing his things while I was at work. Leaving a note. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster since December of this year when I first began to realise my boyfriend was lying to me. About everything, since the beginning of our relationship. I’ve found out he was cheating on me with his wife (ex wife? I have no idea, when I met him he told me he was separated and getting a divorce) as well as another woman from a previous relationship before her. These relationships have probably been going n from the start. I’ve discovered 3 online dating profiles at least one of which he started just weeks before we moved in together, they said he was single or separated, with many of the profile photos being taken recently from inside our flat, one of them said he lived in another city. I discovered he has lost two jobs in the last 2 years and lied to me about both of them actually pretending to go to work so I wouldn’t find out, in one instance pretending to be made redundant…he’s had a whole social media life I knew nothing about. From the beginning he said he didn’t even have a facebook account, but I’ve found a very active one which he used to maintain a separate life communicating with his wife and this other woman (as well as all his friend, most of which I’ve only met once or twice) And an extremely disturbing pinterest account with boards about ‘Silence’ and sex which he & his wife were communicating through. He’s been living with me in another city since Sept 2013. I found out that while I was away for work he invited his wife to our flat for a weekend of sightseeing and sex. In our flat. I’ve found out that on Dec 27th when he was supposed to be at a friend’s he took a train to another city to meet with another woman and have sex in a hotel. I have been in a world of desperation and fear for weeks, unable to sleep or eat. I too had this moment of wanting to ‘out’ him to friends, family and wrote a huge letter (which I have not sent). I realise if I make him angry he will probably try and hurt me. He’s gone back to his parent’s house and is already reconciling with his wife and I know he’s told them that I’ve abused him!!! I am 5’6 and 130lbs. He’s 6’7′ but insists that I tried to push him off our balcony when I found his secret phone. For the last 2 weeks before he left it was agony. Tears, fights, arguements, crazy make up sex, begging him to tell me the truth so we could work this out. All of our arguments ending with his apologies, half-truths, telling me he loved me and I was his ‘one’ that he would spend his whole life making this up to me, that he wanted to marry me. Then one more lie would reveal itself and the cycle would start again. I haven’t heard from him since Thursday, when he told me that he had returned to his parents so he could be on his own for awhile and make himself better by getting back on his meds (he’s told me he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder), but I know that he’s been out playing rugby, going on rugby ‘tour’ – essentially a weekend piss up with all his mates and reconciling with his wife. Pathetically all of our contact was initiated by me. Ug, the list could go on and on. I started reading about narcissists thinking it couldn’t possibly be true, he was just a bad guy and he would see the error of his ways…but the things I’m reading, it’s like holding up a mirror. I’m just so grateful to read your stories and know that I’m not going crazy.

AnnettePK

So sorry that you are experiencing this betrayal and exploitation. Prayers for your survival and recovery.

What a ridiculous lie about trying to push him off the balcony. Firstly, it takes the focus off his having a ‘secret phone’ and puts the focus on your wrongly alleged bad behavior. Second, he deserved to be pushed off the balcony if he’s lying, cheating, and using a secret phone to do so. If the people hearing his BS don’t see his wrongdoing, even with the lies about you in his story, they probably deserve him.

You can give all the great things you have to offer to someone who deserves you.

Jan7

Smallsteps, my gosh…..this guy sounds exactly like a sociopath…so evil, so selfish, so many lies & deceptions. NO you are NOT crazy, he is the crazy one creating drama & chaos for fun & to confuse everyone around him.

I am truly sorry that you have been emotionally & mentally abused. It’s a nightmare what you have been living…please know you will never get the truth from them…they will intentionally give you dribbles of the truth mixed in with 98% lies. They tell you a little truth to turn your head away from what they are really doing…they will manipulate you with more lying words “baby I love you” bs and make up sex to control you from leaving.

It sounds like he is leaving now because he has finally convinced his wife to take him back but guess what his wife will remember soon enough why she kicked him out in the first place = his serial cheating, pathological lying, moodiness, selfishness etc. And he was starting to realize he was loosing control over you & you were seeing his mask slip. He will boomerang back into your life so beware!!

As hard as it is right now for you…and how heart breaking it is for you right now, him leaving is the BEST thing that ever happened since the day you met him. I know it does not seem this way right now but you will get to a point you will be so happy he walked out.

KEEP READING EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE…start at the top under the red/gray tab including watch Donna’s excellent videos under the red video tab. Her books are good too.

Check out the site Psychopathawareness.wordpress. it’s full of more great info. When you are emotional ie crying, sad, angry etc come to LF and this other one and read everything it will help you to calm your mind as well as open it up from his mind control.

You are NOT ALONE anymore…we hear you!!!

I am glad you searched the net and I am equally glad you were brave enough to open your story. That is not an easy thing to do but it will help you to heal from this nightmare.

Do a search on Lovefraud and the net for the following:

No contact rule & sociopath no contact rule

gas lighting abuse & sociopath gas lighting abuse

sociopath pity play

Take care

angelina

You are not go crazy (I on the other hand, may be…) 🙂 just kidding….
I am so grateful for all of you you have no idea. None. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

my first sunday night without him since September. No big fireman to cook for and his kids.. at my apt. of course.
No cuddling on the couch or going to the dog park….

or thinking I have found my match made in heaven……

I am very very sad and very very very angry…
and the anger at myself is the worst.

amille2

Kittylover…I’m here with you. Today marks one week since I said goodbye…..

I still have not hit angry…other than at myself….I’m still in shock at all the lies that keep surfacing….lies that didn’t even need to be lies….they are even popping up in my dreams.

I read everyone’s posts and think maybe he isn’t a sociopath. He never was cruel to mean or tried to control. Until it dawned on me THAT THE ENTIRE “RELATIONSHIP’ was cruel and controlling. I could only see him on his terms….that I spent all this time thinking someday soon he would trust me enough to let him into his life…..the thought of that makes me ill.

I’m trying to focus on not having to plan and cook meals for him….the money I will save by not having to buy extra groceries, snacks and his favorite beverages. That I don’t have to try and “get in the mood” during the day when my work was calling or a house to clean, etc. I can sit in my comfy clothes and no make up. That I can do what I want when I want.

I miss the texts and messages of love….thinking I found my prince ….just as you do.

However I ask myself if I would trade those empty declarations of love for what I know now? Nope. At least now when I feel lonely it is because I am alone…..and that’s ok. I think it is far worse to feel lonely when you are with someone.

Your posts and willingness to share are helping more than you know….

smallsteps

Amille2, Kittylover – I’m right here with you. No more meal planning! Hurray! My whole world revolved around taking care of him, doing his laundry, cooking all his favourite meals (while footing most of the grocery bills as well, of course), making sure his wants & needs were catered to… being his lovely little domestic goddess.

It makes me just a little bit braver hearing your stories. Thank you again

amille2

Smallsteps and kittylover….I think we should each try and come up with one thing we can do now….or one thing we can buy ourselves someday with the grocery money we will save.

It doesn’t have to be anything big….

Just something we can focus on….that is positive….. That we can equate to how we are trying to be kind to ourselves.

I am kicking around a couple of ideas….joining a new gym that just opened for $15/month….a bracelet that I have been eyeing…going for a walk by myself listening to my favorite songs now that the weather is turning..,.

flicka

Try living with the fact that after desperately trying to save a 23 year long marriage to a sociopath, one finally has to come to the reality that, instead of mothering and loving 5 beautiful children, I finally had to come to the realization that these “beautiful” children have also inherited the monster genes of psychopathy! Hard for a 77 year old, disabled and lonely woman to swallow.
Don’t feel angry at yourself; it can, and does happen, to victims all over the world. ANYONE showing love and compassion can easily become a victim. It has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence and was in no way, caused by you! As Lance Armstrong’s wife said to him, “the truth will set you free” except that for a sociopath, there is no such thing as truth!..or hope.

cannh

Smallsteps….

I shake my head as I read your post because almost the exact same thing happened to me…more than three years ago now.

I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. I can almost feel your pain from afar. It might be little consolation for me to say with No Contact it does get better, but it does. Whatever amount of time it takes to heal from this for you or anyone else is very personal….but it will happen.

At this point in time, I’m in a much better place and have moved on from the horrendous ordeal. Please know there are many wonderful people on this site who can help.

Stay strong my friend…

Carolann

smallsteps

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I’ve been awake for hours reading online, it’s keeping me occupied and not panicking in another room desperately wanting to check my phone. The fact that I’ve actually managed to leave my phone in another room for a few hours which feels like a huge step. If only I could get out of my pjs and wash my hair…
One of the articles I read this morning really helped shed some light on on how some of the thought processes work for SP’s & N’s. I’m starting to piece a few more things together and realise he had been priming his wife for a return for sometime but had to make sure he could turn up as the wounded victim and also I think the more whacked out crazy, paranoid and desperate for him I became, it was too good a supply to leave just yet. I’ve started googling those terms you suggested. Thank you so much. Knowledge is power. Even though I don’t feel any kind of powerful at all right now. I’m trying to keep my heart light, but then some other little thing pops into my head. Was he ever in the army? That weekend months ago did he actually go hunting or was that just another lie? It was all so calculated. I know I’ll never know the truth and I just have to resign myself to that. At the moment I just feel so hollow. Thank you all again xx

bluelight

Kittylover, smallsteps, amille2,

I’m hearing all of you. I feel the same way. I’m still in shock. Haven’t hit the anger stage. Just in shock. Hurt. Can’t sit still. I’ve been reading too. Just everything keeps popping in my head. I for one didn’t have a superb relationship with him. It was long but he had so many quirks. When I met him he was heavily into smoking dope. Which of course was hidden. Found out after his first silent treatment which of course he blamed it on that. Same as the porn addiction ( what he would do when he only wasn’t speaking to me of course), and the video games. He looked ashamed and asked for help to right ride of his weeding ways. His parents knew. Even gave him money for it. His sibling said ” that’s what guys do when they are depressed mom, dad”. The thing is that went on years before he met me or before his silent treatment he gave me. After that I believed him. Until the next silent treatment. The thing is I had a lot of friends in college. I was going somewhere. I was determined. Had the weight on my shoulders doing it by myself without family but that was ok. Working 80 hrs a week going to school full time just to make ends meet and pay less in school fees. My grades were a little lower than my normal expentant ones but that was ok. I had a boyfriend I loved friends were my family and balancing work and school and fast forward. Add a puppy and training and graduation and friends leaving one by one. They couldn’t stand him not being there for me. At social events or whatnots. He always had an excuse and I believed them. I loved him. Until around year four suddenly the silent treatments were at full force. This one didn’t let up. After a month of being ignored reaching out and possibly acting like a desperate mess, I was depressed and heart broken someone could do that. No note no explaination nothing I called his parents house because I was done calling his cell. His mom put me through had no idea anything was wrong. Apparently he told them he just got back from living with me for two weeks. He didn’t say hi. He just told me he needed space. Being young I didn’t know what that was. Well it was six months of not speaking. Every week I would write him emails asking him what that meant and how confused I was and this is what I would find out about relationships and maybe I did this wrong? In all when I finally wrote my last email saying how much I loved him. But blaming it all on me because I was an orphan and clearly too messed up to be s good women to someone and I’ll always love him, I sent it. At this time I truly believed it. After all any disagreement in our relationship was always down to it being my fault because of not having Parent’s. His reasoning not mine. In any case the day I sent this was almost eight months after the initial silent discard. At the time there was hardly anything on what he was doing to me. Any resource was through counselling. Which the day I sent it I remembered was the day I made my first appointment with a therapist. It took me a while to save up enough to go. There I went to a group sessions for caregivers of drug addicts, and porn addicts and I dealt with my childhood issues and what it really means not to have parents. Which I am thankful for. I learned a lot. I learned it wasn’t all my fault and it’s ok that I don’t have a normal family but no one should make me feel less of a human because of it. I was doing things on my own and it’s ok. It’s ok to cry when someone lies to you. When you’re hurting. It’s ok. At that point I was at a low in my life and believed all his emotional abuse and gas lighting techniques. All I wanted was to love someone and be loved in return. The day after I sent that he wrote me an email which now I see was probably his ploy. Of how he wasn’t over me. Ya da Ya da. I wish I still had it. Back then I thought it was the best thing. But looking back it was a minuscule of positivity and he never apologized. What he did let me know was he had been seeing his best friends gfs best friend. They’ve been intimate. The following year was him convincing me to emotionally abiding me to get out of therapy and those group meetings and him still having that women in his life. Even after him telling me he said goodbye and loved me. ( the women he looked up on the local database). So another year of let’s work on our relationship. He wanted me to get rid of a guy I had become best of friends with while he gave me that long bout of silence/break up. Which looking back I shouldn’t have. But I didn’t anyone who questioned him slowly went away. To fast forward many silent treatments later. Another affair but this time it was at his new work with s women who loved talking about sex. She always texted him. A month into the job. At that time it was still no smart phones and texting wasn’t a thing. It was still oooo you got a text. Must be from someone you care about or an emergency. He would just chalk it up to work but we got our books to work on relationship. To make it solid. To make our foundation strong ( because his excuse was I had no parents so how could one be strong because of me), even though I am loyal like a dog and will help out my friends in any possible way. No excuses. But I digress. He never read any of them. The books were about office romances how to stop them dr Phil. Respect and love. And the psychology of building great foundations of trust and loyalty. I did the reading. He just kept on saying he wanted to marry me and hated to see me live with roommates. I moved out. He helped a little. More friends were lost. I started to get sick. In the hospital. Found out he had an affair. The next two years add more silent treatments. And it was my fault because each time I cried I was too much for him. Seriously. If I was upset id have to jump into the bathroom till that was not allowed. And I would have to go in the shower to cry. Every job I had he would find a way for me to loose it or discredit me. The only thing that was important was his job. Never mind I was diagnosed with c. Fast forward. My pets died of old age he wasn’t there for me. He got upset at me for being upset mourning. Crying. Missing them. They were the only ones actually loving me. I see that now. He would rip me to shreds emotionally. Litterslly. Call me garbage on my birthday. And silent treatment. No holiday was spent with me. Christmas I wasn’t good enough to spend with his family. Birthdays he had family plans. And well my birthday I would get silent treatments. He’d come back a week later. Or two. Just when I was feeling better and getting myself off the ground. At this time I was in remission but when I wasn’t I had to do it all on my own. Can it. Struggle to the hospital and struggle home. Nights I would fall asleep on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t make it to my bed. Alone. It’s was horrible and I believed his abuse. Until the c came back. These past two years. He did too. I was in group therapy. Learning a lot about abuse. And working one on one on myself. It was ok to have needs. Understanding my childhood and what that meant and it was ok to be different. Emotionally I was becoming healthier and stronger and he was getting meaner. Gas lighting like crazy. Hating I would be honest and hold up the mirror. I write this and now I am almost sure he was with someone else the last two years or maybe with the same women who had texted him long ago. At this time his phone was always locked. How dare I even want to look even photos was off limits. He would live here off and on. Off and on. His parents didn’t like me because I had no family but they would always end up calling me asking about their son because he would ignore them too. They chalked it up to him growing up. I see now it’s Jist disrespectful. The weeks I needed help to go to the doctors were the silent treatment weeks. So at this point he never met my doctors. Never drove me to the hospital. Never got food. Never helped. My dog was really sick with a degenerating disease and he refused to help while I was in and out of the hospital. He just would claim the loving doting partner. He would call up my doctors and demand to know everything. Which since I loved him no problem. He was my person. The person I had hopes for working on everything with. And I had nothing to hide. It was no longer all my fault. He blamed it on the affairs. The fact I was sick. The fact he was deathly scared of hospitals even thigh hid sibling had two babies by now and he had no problem being there for them. Me another matter. The women he loved with c. My doctors reached out till they had enough. He would leave me in be hospital waiting room for hours after a blood transfusion and my release and I was out of it. They saw how he ditched the appointments he made with them and rarely was reachable. Always on his watch never on the fact I was sick and they needed permission to do a y and z. They were concerned. I was too out of it. And here we are. Him having a fight with them. Me having had two major surgeries that left me out of it for a month and a half and the friends I had left completely shocked that he treated me horribly. But saw it. And I get out of the hospital and can’t reach him. I stopped reaching out. All my personal items were sent to him. So my electronics my photos of my friends I made through c who some have died some not some photos that was the only copy. My clothes. My dogs remains ( who passed while I was out of it of course he had no part of it), and everything that made the hospital a home. He now has. I would like them back. I would even like my phone back. Yes it was sent to him. Since I am short on money and still recovering I am in no shape of looking for another job. My week and a half here has been brutal. Really. He was sbusive. Emotionally not physically. Well sometimes he was so mean my body would have to throw up with all the stress. Right now my head just keeps popping things here and there. Like he left me two messages when I was unconscious. One panicked for me to call him back. The next the doctors were giving him slack. Which now I realized that was whenever they had questions about my health and would invite him in. That’s the last things I have. The last time we spoke was how much we loved each other and how sorry he was for taking me for granted and how he would never do that and life was precious and short and he loved me. And then I was rushed to the hospital. He never visited me while I was out of it. Never once called my friend and after the fight he had with the doctors he ignored them. Just like he ignored me. They asked for too much I guess. So that’s me. Trying to get enough sleep. Enough rest and trying to recover. I’m focusing on the good. Maybe now I can get a dog when I’m alright that I want. Not having to worry about his allergy problems? Or a cat? He hated my pets. Blamed it on his allergies. Never sneezed once. I think now it’s because I loved them and they loved me. They also needed to be looked after and he refused to help. I didn’t mind. I loved them. Maybe i could get a pet. Maybe now I can eat what I want? And right now it’s ok I’m not feeling well. It’s ok and I don’t have to hide I came out of the hospital. Money I’ll save. And my heart just breaks. Thank you for letting me share this and letting me know I’m not crazy. They are crazy. I’m learning that. In also learning that I should have walked away a lot sooner. Even if I loved him. It’s not ok of them doing anything they did to us. Oh the lies.

flicka

I for one, am heartbroken to read the above post by Bluelight. PLEASE take care of your own wants and needs as they are important right now. Get yourself that pet….we all need someone to love and that is very important in your mental and physical healing. They give you the unconditional love and strength to pursue a happy, healthy life sans your sociopath. Much love goes your way and keep us posted…please.

smallsteps

I’m so sorry Bluelight, your story breaks my heart as well. It makes me feel sick reading your words. You’re not crazy. None of us are. I too am just trying to get some sleep. And completely understand the stress vomiting, I’ve been doing that for the last couple of weeks. It’s horrible. Hopefully getting another doctor’s appointment tomorrow to get some more sleeping pills and help with finding a therapist. I discovered last night my ex actually stole my suitcase to make his getaway (like that’s the worst of his actions, but it still stung).He text me last night which I deleted without replying, but broke my own rules and found myself sifting through his now live again FB account. It’s all crazy-making and hurtful. The lies & secrets.

You just try and get some rest for now. And keep reading, I’ve found it a good distraction as I’ve been struggling to concentrate for any length of time and there is a lot of comfort to be taken from similar stories and similar experiences. Know that you’re not on your own. Sending you kind thoughts xx

Remembertoforget

Smallsteps,
The facebook is a trigger. Proceed with caution-or avoid at all costs!
Come here when you feel the need to peek on him.
🙂

smallsteps

I know. It’s just all so painful. Each morning I wake up and it’s still the same. I want it to be anything but this. Yesterday I found a photo on his FB that someone had taken of him sleeping in our bed. It wasn’t me. I know his ex wife had come to my house in August but this was dated months earlier. I don’t know if it was her or some other woman, but when I look around my flat I can’t believe some other woman would have come here and had sex with him. It’s a one bedroom apartment filled with feminine things!! What stories was he telling people so that they thought this was ok. I already know he didn’t give a shit about what was ok or not. When I found the photo I rang him. (breaking my own rules again)He didn’t answer but replied by text twice last night. Apologising for missing my call, saying his phone was on charge in another room asking if everything is ok, then another message saying he really hoped I was ok signed with an ‘x’. How can anything possibly be ok after everything he’s done? I’ve hardly slept again. Trying to stretch out my sleeping pills as I’ve only got a few left and it’s tricky getting an appointment. Luckily I got through this morning so have got a call back to discuss my prescription. Kitty – I hear you – it’s all the lies, and so many of them. He lied to everyone. And was totally delusional. Telling friends he was going to by a van and go on a road trip to Oslo. (with what money?) Telling people he was in the army (I now realise I’ve never seen a photo – why didn’t I notice things like this before). I wish so hard I didn’t miss him or that I could reconcile that the man I miss was a complete work of fiction.

AnnettePK

The betrayal and cognitive dissonance is incredibly painful. On the one hand it helps you decide to move on and keep NC when you find out more about what he was really doing. On the other hand, it causes more pain to know the details. Consider not looking at his FB page and not accepting and reading his communications for awhile and see how you feel and if you’re sleeping better. You can always go back and look at FB and read emails and listen to messages later if you still want to. But you might find that you feel so much better not allowing him to continue to torture you, that you won’t want to any more. When I quit letting my ex Psychopath take my time and energy, other good things filled up my life. It’s not easy, but it’s so much better in time.

Remembertoforget

Anette,
This is so true.
I could have found stuff out, but I was already being tortured enough, and I think I saw enough deceit to last a long time!
Sometimes, it’s better to take what you already know and don’t look back. Find the strength to go no contact and breathe and process.
🙂
A co-worker had joked to me one day saying, it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it.
I’ll never forget that.
🙂

Remembertoforget

Amille2,
I am so sorry for what you went through with the sociopath. It hurts so bad to realize they have a secret life, another life that they keep from you.
I wish you peace and healing on your journey. Glad you found Love fraud, it’s a good place, and there is alot of wisdom and strength here.
Hang in there.

angelina

LF Familia….

Something divine just happened to me… and you the N/SocP was in my life it never would have happened. I am so happy right now I can hard sit down at my desk.
I just want you to all know THERE IS HOPE of being happy again… of reclaiming yourself… your talents.. your beauty without being afraid you will be punished and controlled for it….. and accused of nonsense.
I am a music therapist and Recreational Dir of a Nursing/Rehab Center.
Today being Cinco de Mayo… I hired a fabulous latino piano player and singer. Very talented and can play and sing anything.
Well I put on my head mic…. I had all my residents gathered in their wheelchairs in the Main Dining Room.
I asked him if it was okay if I performed with him. he prob thought I was nuts.
Well…. I sang… not just with him.. but solos. Besame Mucho, etc. Cole Porter, Rogers and Hammerstein, jazz you name it. I dance a bit for the residents also. He played the Macarena (Remember.. Cinco de Mayo).. I got the residents in their chairs to do it with me… I sang to them as I had a cordless head mic. Put on a real show.
This amazingly talented and well known musician out here…. said… you are so talented. you can sing anything and I can sing anything with you. You are beautiful and grab that audiences attention with your energy and talent. I think together… you, I and a percussionist could make a lot of money.
HE HAS ASKED ME PERFORM WITH HIM. Rehearse. Get gigs.
he has many gigs here…

If my N was in my life… this WOULD NEVER BE POSSIBLE.
I have tried to work with musicians before… and Jerry accused me of wanting to fuck them. Yeah… like 70 year old guys. Anyone with a penis. Even a priest once. I may have even been too nervous or afraid to have sung with this artist today. What if Jerry stopped in? What will he accuse me of or reply “Hmmmmm” to when I tell him I sang with another entertainer.
I feel this may have been a little miracle… or maybe because the dark/evil energy has blocked so much good out of my life…
now that it is gone……
GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO ME.

THANK YOU GOD.

Thank you LF.

Thank you my best friend in the world Nancy back home in Chicago.

angelina

How can I edit my post… so many typos cuz I am at work…

angelina

I cant believe this.
I want proof that my ex was fired from his Physical Therapy job at the Senior Community where I work… and was banned from the premesis. I have asked the PT company for a note or email to bring with me to RO hearing… they said NO.
I have contacted the Asst. Exec Dir. as well as the Exec Dir of the community… and they will not answer me.
SOOOOOO…. I wrote the VICE PRESIDENT of the entire very very well known senior home company. He sings y praises and says I am best Recreation Therapist they have.
He wrote back… and he is not sure there is anything they can do… but he will check it out!!!!!
WHAAAAAAAAAT? The do not want to help protect me from a man they threw off there property?
Love thy neighbor. I just do not understand.

I guess I could just tell the judge where he was banned from and why and give him name of the Exec. Dir who did the firing and banning… and then I am sure they will have to respond.

I am feeling physically ill…. but from this situation. he is supposed to be served today… but not sure if his county police where he works have received my RO.
My muscles ache. I am losing weight and people are worried. I am forcing down food… but my body is in hypometabolic mode from the fear and stress.
This was a really really dangerous and bad guy.

and yet….
my mind and heart…. are missing the man who lived with me 9 months. Trust me… if I had known these things… and much much more about him…. I would not have been in love with him in continued to date him or letl him stay with me when he broke his leg.
But now… I go home…. and the sweet, handsome, funny accommodating boyfriend who “was going to spend the rest of his life with me”…. who shared my couch and bed and little front porch… that now has his ashes all over it.
And loved loved loved my kitty cat and she loved him. She…. he even conned a cat.
I am almost crying in my office now. How the HELL am I grieving an evil, sociopathic, woman abusing criminal.. who was doing this to 6 of us women at once!?
Because that is not the man I miss. I did not know who that was…. he put on an entire masquerade for me. I lived with a man… crying to me while sharing certain love songs with me…who was actually plotting all along to use me for a place to live for free. and then when my landlord insisted three weeks ago.. that he has a background check run and he is put on my lease….
HE STARTED UP A NEW RELATIONSHIP…. TELLING HER SHE IS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.. MEGAN IS JUST A VERBAL AGREEMENT B/C I LIVE WITH HER…. AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON. And of course.. giving her sex.. which makes us women bond.
WHY IS THIS NOT A PROSECUTABLE CRIME?

Talk about falsely impersonating a person.

putting my health at risk.

robbing me of money…. under lie of getting married and he will help me when he get another Physical Therapy job and will pay most of our bills for the rest of his life.

I FEEL SICK.
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.

I MISS A GHOST. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME PROCESS THIS FACT?
mISSING A MAN who never existed… but we cried together. shared our lives and pasts and holidays..and bodies…
my mind cant make sense of it…. and how do I grieve a poser?

love to you all.

keep me in your prayers. he may get served today….

kitty

bluelight

I’ve been reading all the posts made recently and I hear all of you. I am also sending you good thoughts for the hearing. I shake my head at the thought that it’s us. The women who loved them with all our hearts that have to suffer while they don’t think twice about us. Like they aren’t doing anything wrong. Remember we’re all there with you behind you today. As for not getting any proof why am I not surprised this bs is going on to protect him. May a lawyer be able to find a record of employment? Tax returns anything to prove he is no longer employed there? Maybe they just won’t give it to you. I’m sure you thought of that though.

As for the families. I used to send his parents Christmas cards, AND presents. As well as when I was in and out of the hospital I had my friends get his sibling “congratulation on the new baby!” For the new baby being born. ( twice). Needless to say I only saw them one christmas. The first one. The next ones that’s when the silent treatments would ensue and I was so hurt I never bothered to call them. Also I was banned to calling his parents house number. Just his cell. Although I can tell you this much. He took he gifts. He then told me they said thank you. Brought Christmas cookies with him saying it was from his mom ( when the silent treatment was over. Usually after Boxing Day with the promise of Maybe next year I’ll be ready to be with a real family). Even though I loved Christmas growing up. I am a Christmas buff. With the lights decorations and snow. And every year he’d make ” plans” and boom silent treatment. When I would talk to his parents in the early years it was always ” oh why didn’t you come? We missed you ” or ” we’d have to have you around”. It never matched him. So at first I never wanted to pressure. I wanted him to think I was “ready”. Needless to say every year it was the same. We’d always have Christmas ” late” which was enchanting gifts. Gifts that he would like. Nothing for me. Seriously. I’m an open minded women who doesn’t drive. What would I do with something for a car?
In any case I was happy to be thought of. Even though I would spend a small fortune on him. Then the Christmases we wouldn’t celebrate. This one I was in the hospital that week so when i came out it was already too late. All I got was an email how much he missed me loved me and can’t wait to celebrate our Christmas together. So I didn’t have one. Just with nurses. Needless to say these people come in all sorts I am beginning to see that. My friend calls him “degenerate”. Which on the outside I think it’s true. They have a shell but I am still mourning the fact it wasn’t true and he could have probably was cheating all along on me. I have searched but he’s a computer person so he’s covered his tracks well. All I can see is some names. Some I recognize some I don’t. Don’t know the connection. Which hurts. I am here thinking I’ve let him live with me whenever he wanted shared my life and soul with him and I was never good enough to meet them. I’m thinking he didn’t want me to meet them so I would talk. He had two lives seperate or maybe three or four. Now he only has one. Easy peasy. What hurts the most is why ? Why wasn’t i ” ready”? Why wasn’t I on that list. I loved him so much. Would do absolutely anything and I’m not there. He hid that from me. It all is painful and I’m trying to wrap my head around it but I don’t know how. Reading love fraud the book and what’s sick is the references she used. The quote texts. He’s said. Over and over. All I can say is take it from someone who doesn’t know and can not see. It hurts a lot. It doesn’t hurt any less. I wish I could see i wish I could piece the pieces because then I would think I would have a clear picture of what was done to me so I can recognize the signs for the future. I don’t know the signs. I don’t want to be blind anymore. My sleeping is not long. Full of nightmares and I wake up and he isn’t here. I want to call him and say ” I’m out of the hospital!” But he won’t answer because of the silent treatment. What kills me the most is I want my stuff. The stuff the hospital sent. It was valuable and irreplaceable. He has my dog. Well the remains. Yeah my friends thought I’d feel better with that around when I woke up I thought it was painful and just weird/odd but it helped while I was in the hospital healing. All of this hurts so bad. To know none of the good stuff was true. The families know I have no doubt something is going wrong. But they will always trust their sons and daughters. Someone told me and it’s true. When I was first diagnosed I went to his parents house. Just showed up. Texted him first and he suddenly left his parents said. They invited me in for tea. They had so many questions. Since this was him giving me a silent treatment and I had enough and was my second attempt to get out of the silent treatment I decided to do that. Any case his parents had a lot to ask. But they also shared come to think of it they were told a lot that never happened. They were confused and told me their son didn’t talk a lot and getting anything from him is like pulling teeth. I bet he is still pretending something with them because his father when I called this time had the same attitude. There’s something there and I can’t put my finger on it. It’s true. Would his parents say he was cheating just like why wouldn’t they tell the wife they were getting presents from another women. All of this is nuts. Respect people. Sigh. How do you mourn or accept someone that never existed. My heart aches to reach out. But this silent treatment is killing me. Never thought I’d be here again. I kept telling myself it’s ok. No one deserves this. The lies. The cheating. The masquerading. The only positive is I woke up. I’m not a follower anymore I’m not too stupid. But why do I still long to be on that list and have him love me? Ahh.
Getting up and going to sit outside for a bit. I just want to say to all of the LF women. You are beautiful. Inside and out. These men are scum. Thank you for your support. Sharing. It’s unfortunate ( thus word doesn’t do it justice) we were volunteered. But the positive is here. This site. You guys. So thank you. ( Trying to look at at least one positive and roll with it). Thinking of all of you. Please continue to share. Whatever you find out.

AnnettePK

Blue,

I am so sorry that you’ve suffered so much for so long. The simple reason is because he is a bad man. You didn’t deserve nor cause any of it.

There are signs of sociopaths, sometimes called red flags, that you can read up on. I didn’t know about disordered people and I overlooked the signs.

Some old fashioned wisdom is one lie could be a misunderstanding, the second could be a mistake, the third is a pattern of behavior.

AnnettePK

Prayers continue for your safety, well being, and recovery. You are under an unbelievable amount of stress right now. Is there a way you could stay with an old friend or family member for a couple of days.

Were you able to get an attorney to help you? An attorney would know the type of evidence and the facts relevant to the RO hearing. Did you find the meeting with the DV Center people helpful?

angelina
AnnettePK

I think you probably did not allow him to do that to you. I think he probably worked very hard and told a lot of lies to trick you into letting him exploit you.

I think you are doing a very good job of getting rid of him and NOT allowing him to harm you any more when you came to understand he was harming you.

Some things are out of our control. Even when we do our best, we can’t control everything and everyone.

Remembertoforget

Kitty,
Congatulations to you!!!!!
That is awesome!!
Many Blessings in moving forward in peace and joy!!

angelina

My focus now? MUSIC. The pianist just stopped by to get my demo cd. He is showing it to his Agent who is a bigshot… and wants to make me part of his program. A duo or trio with percussionist!
Focus… doing well at my job.
my health
my kitty cat.

I will just have to redirect my thoughts….
the hell with some loser, lying mooch who preys and lonely, sad, vulnerable women b/c even though he makes 70,,000 a year at the Fire Dept. (You know.. those men who serve and PROTECT)… he cannot pay his bills or get his own place to live… or go to a dentist or help his son with college…

bluelight

This is excellent news! Yes. Focus on music. I hope all goes well and things turn out good with the demo! Ah. You put a smile on my face. I’m happy over here. Ah!

AnnettePK

I am so happy for you!

Remember to be cautious with new people you’re meeting. Don’t trust too much too soon. Keep a wary attitude until people have earned your trust, in business or any other type of interaction.

angelina

You got in Annette.

stronginthecity

Good advice AnnettePK!

AnnettePK

Joy!!!

amille2

Awesome! I received text today from him…..promptly deleted… Felt good….really good…thank you all

Jan7

Congrats Amille2 on taking your power back!!!! 😉

smallsteps

Congratulations! No contact. 🙂

bluelight

You’re doing good. Yes take your power back! That’s what these have been trying to do to us. Feeding on our power to make their egos feel better. Keep it up!

angelina

Hi everyone. He was never real. Nothing about him.
some other women and I have contacted one another and shared stories. we are all so grateful to be reached out to and informed.

He was trying to move in with everyone.
HE WAS HAVING SEX AND TELLING ABOUT 6 or 7 women.. at the same time…
that he was single and wanted to be exclusive with us.
I happened to be the unlucky one… the one he broke his leg with while ice skating. he said he could not stay at his place alone to heal.. and that he could not afford his apartment on light duty… or off from the fire dept for his leg…and I fell for it. he said he was glad he broke his leg. to slow down and think.. and to stop running away from me.. which he did often. this is a scary and dangerous dude. he even had sex in the fire house.
he might be served with the restraining order tomorrow and I am nervous. I do not want to see him at hearing. not fair I have to see him… BUT I MUST DO THIS.. as I wish a woman had done before me.
goodnight

angelina

How can I miss a man who did not exist? NOTHING HE SAID WAS REAL. NOTHING.
NOTHING.

AnnettePK

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sandra-says

This article explains why we grieve for the faked relationship, and why it’s still a real loss. It helped me to understand. I hope there’s something there that can help you.

angelina

thank you Annette and it is helpful.

I need support.

So all of these women… he has sexually skyped with us from fire station.
had sex with us at fire station.
has shown videos of us having sex with him or naked shots (we all thought we were his one and only)
at bars in the same town where he is a worshipped and trusted member of the fire dept.

I have informed the Fire Chief of this. I have forwarded her proof. emails. photos. chats with him sexually from the fire station computer. all these things are cause for termination.
The Fire Chief emailed me just now…
Megan,
Jerry was served the proper paperwork for the restraining order in my office yesterday.

that was it.
that was all she wrote.
she is the fire chief.
are they going to have all this proof…. and allow him to stay on at the Fire Dept?

I feel sick and I am so anxious at work.
How can they believe his lies?

I have restraining order hearing on MOnday! I do not want to see him you guys. I have no one to go with me as of yet.
Have any of you been to an RO hearing where you filed and had to see the spath? Can you give me advice? Can you tell me what it is like?

Please……

thanks for all.

AnnettePK

Kitty,

Was the Domestic Violence shelter any help? Have you considered getting an attorney yet?

It varies, but there is a lot of injustice in the world, especially when it comes to spaths, women, children, people with less money, education and other resources. I experienced a lot of injustice and hypocrisy when my ex spath’s activities were revealed.

Sadly, many victims are revictimized when trying to deal with the aftermath. It is extremely difficult, but justice is rare in this lifetime.

It may be helpful for you to expect that justice will not be done and he will keep on doing what he’s always done.
You are doing what is right in reporting him, but once you’ve done your part, it’s out of your control. A wise woman at church advised me to stop trying to tell the ministry about the psychopath’s activities, after a couple of years of me reporting him and nothing being done. She was right. I’d done all I could do; it was time to leave it in God’s hands.

The most important thing is your safety and your healing. It may be that you are safer if he’s not fired. It also may be that once you have reported him, the Fire Chief will take whatever action she thinks is best – either fire him, discipline him, suspend him, or just talk to him. She probably will not report back to you what comes of it. Also keep in mind that he may have preempted you by telling the Fire Chief you’re a bitter ex who has a history of telling lies about your ex’s to get them fired, or something similar to discredit you. Or the Chief may be having sex with him, too. Who knows? You’ve done your part for now.

It is also possible that you are safer if he doesn’t lose his job. The last thing you want is a psychopathic ex angry at you for getting him fired (the way he will see it) with nothing to do but figure out ways to get back at you by harming you.

A few months down the road you could look into going to someone higher up in the municipality or even the press, but for now you can use your energy to heal.

You wrote that you felt like you’d been raped. You have been. We all have been. None of us would have consented if we’d known the truth. And those of us who didn’t sleep with the spath were emotionally raped. The damage done to us – psychological, emotional, spiritual – is the same damage rape does.

I felt a lot better just talking to a good lawyer about my situation even though nothing went to court. It helped me to have an expert who knows the system on my side advising me.

Remembertoforget

Such great words
Anette.
🙂

flicka

Good wishes for tomorrow. Remember that we all at LF are behind you cheering all the way.

AnnettePK

I hope you got some good sleep. Prayers that the restraining order court appearance goes ok. Be prepared to feel emotional and triggered during that process and seeing your ex. Be prepared for him to do or say just about anything.

Do you know for sure how he broke his leg? Ice skating might not have been the truth. Take everything with a grain of salt.

amille2

I was cleaning out drawers and found a thank you note from his mother. Being the good “girlfriend” I gave his parents Christmas gifts…..even tho I only met them once….

who did they think I was? A very generous friend? I am shocked that he gave them the gifts as i was the unknowing “other woman.” She wrote that she didn’t expect a gift. I bet not…

Therefore, I am left wondering….what of the families of the spath? Are they fooled too? Surely his behavior growing up was outside the norm? Or is it typical to be isolated from the spath’s family and friends regardless? Would his mother mention to his wife that another woman in his life is giving gifts?

I asked Donna this but curious to hear others’ experiences.

I’m still trying to make sense of all this…though I realize I’ll never fully understand.

smallsteps

Hi Amille2,
I’m wondering some if the same things at the moment. I met and stayed with his family on more than one occasion, including our first Christmas together. I too always brought gifts, biscuits chocolates etc as a thank you. Speciality sauces his father liked.
The last time we went to see them was in March when his older sister was also visiting and we met for the first time.
I’d like to think they didn’t know. I know at least two of his friends knew about his alternate life with me. It makes me sick.
Throw away that note. Stay strong x

AnnettePK

My ex spath did all kinds of disordered inappropriate things to and with and using his family members. Some don’t recognize his disorder, some are disordered themselves, some go NC with the family spath. It varies.

It’s natural to wonder what in the world is going on in their family of origin; I tried to figure it out about my ex psychopaths family, , but never could come to any conclusions. I pray for them all from time to time, including the spath; it worked for me to turn it over to God and put my energy into other things.

slimone

There is a woman who has a son who murdered a girl. According to this mother her son was a sweet, affectionate, and lovely little boy who got on well with his family. He was loved. Then, somewhere in his teens he became difficult (like many of us). Then he started stealing. The family tried to counsel him and give him appropriate punishments for his misbehaviors.

He continued stealing, and eventually ended up murdering a girl over 10,000.00. Still the mother could not initially accept that he was incapable of change. She continued to put her energy into helping him change. He has spent MANY years in prison. He has not changed. It took years for his mother to recognize WHAT he is. She now petitions against his release at each of his parole hearings. However, HER mother still supports him and cannot believe that his own mother is so cruel and helps to keep him locked up. The grandmother gives him money and attention.

I think it is often the case that someone in the family see’s the truth, and the other’s refuse.

I have seen other families who do everything to continue to try and normalize the disordered person’s behavior. They NEVER get it. They often idolize the perpetrator. They aid them for their entire lives. They accept the lies. I imagine this makes the actual lives of these family members very strange and limited. Lots of weird compartmentalizing would have to go on.

There are quite a few folks here on LF who have disordered children. Their stories of awakening are heartbreaking”.

slimone

Amille2,

I just read this whole thread and decided to respond to one of your posts, that you wrote about midway through. You said you didn’t think he was a sociopath, after reading all of the posts. I think, basically, because he wasn’t cruel, bought nice things, was never mean, etc..

These folks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Just like the rest of us (only they are devastatingly destructive and hurtful). They can be VERY kind, sympathetic, thoughtful, and quiet even. They are also influenced by their unique genetic make-up, familial histories, and cultural backgrounds; just as we are. But it is key to remember that only a disordered individual will have issues with pathological and persistent histories of harming others, brought about by chronic deception and manipulation.

My grandfather, who had sex with his daughters, was soft spoken, laughed easily, worked hard, and always pitched in around the home. He brutalized his daughters, and attempted to do the same to most of the female grandchildren. Luckily he died of leukemia.

The person I dated was always kind. Funny. He was deeply spiritual. He has a HUGE following of folks who think of him as their spiritual guide. But he LIED, cheated, and deceived. Like you, I didn’t find out the full extent of his deception. But after our involvement ended MANY of his lies and betrayals became clearer. I also had a sense, prior to discovering his lies, where I knew something was dreadfully ‘off’. I ignored it. It wasn’t until after it was over that I found out the extent of his TOTAL deception.

No one agrees on what to call these folks. I call them character disordered, whether they are ‘narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines”.’. Doesn’t matter. Being character disordered, as an adult, means there is NO change possible. Not at this point. Maybe someday we will find a way to ‘help’ these types. For now we have no good therapies.

Glad you found your way to LF. It keeps getting better, as long as you maintain NO CONTACT. No FB, no sneaking around to gather facts, no texts, calls. Nothing. Cold turkey is best in these situations, because any contact, and talking to them is the WORST, just confuses and causes more conflict between our heads and our hearts.

Good luck to everyone here! There is life after betrayal. Keep reading and supporting.

Much love,
Slim

amille2

slimone… Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I’m in awe over how many people are willing to reach out and help. I have learned so much in such a short time. I cannot thank everyone enough.

The story with the woman who had a son who murdered made lots of sense. I can definitely see how someone might put their foot down;while others might enable…

My emotions have been all over the past week…although shock and disbelief over how much deception took place still seems to prevail….so I don’t think I am expressing myself correctly sometimes.

In other words, I believe he is a sociopath because I have no other explanation as to how someone could lie to me so profoundly and deeply…. About who they are. I have had people lie to me about what they did….or didn’t do….or what they thought about something…..but the whole relationship…. And I know I shouldn’t even call it that. ..was all lies….

I will admit I did gather a few more facts that he is living with someone else/married. I did so not to confront…. But because I need to see in black and white the truth. I have been fed so many lies, my brain wanted to discount what I found out and believe him instead.

I deleted a text from him yesterday and can promise I have made no efforts to contact him. I have nothing to say. I refuse to let him see my broken heart and soul.

I refuse to let him see that I’m bewildered as to how I am supposed to pick myself up and go on….without a brick wall around me.

slimone

amille2,

I did the same, for a bit. I checked out some of my gut feelings, and got confirmation of what he was/is. Then I dropped it completely. I felt pain when I did some digging for facts, but I also felt validated. So it was kind of a toss up. I also felt like I was in NO WAY going to let him see me in distress. I felt it was NONE of his beeswax, and I wasn’t about to share my pain with him. Wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

That feeling, of not wanting to waste one more minute, one more feeling, got stronger and stronger for me. Until, at some point, I could think of the whole story, not feel any pain, and instead feel immense gratitude for having ‘woken up’ and being free of the bonds of his (or anyone else’s) abuse.

That took quite a bit of time to come to….but it does come. It often feels like you will never get there, because the pain is so strong and so acute, the whole thing SO unbelievable.

It takes time to believe, accept, integrate, and overcome. Lovefraud was my lifeline. I didn’t post very much, but I learned so much from everyone it kept me safe and helped me put one emotional foot in front of the other. Again, I am glad you found your way here.

Much love and healing,
Slim

amille2

Thank you….yes, validation is what I am seeking…. For my own sake. I always suspected that his wife/girlfriend was still in the picture.I stuffed every doubt with every lie he told. I so wanted to believe him.

I stopped looking for proof after the obituary and a couple other references to her living at his address. No need to check anything else….who lies about a spouse in an obituary? He still denied her though. Even when I reminded him that he told me that he had to call her mother to get her to stop stalking him. If that was true….which it obviously wasn’t….then the mother certainly wouldn’t allow him to be listed as the husband.

With that said, the obit comes in handy when I start to miss him….or my mind starts with the “what if I am wrong….” There it is to remind….painful reminder yes….but at least I feel something….the numbness is a bit concerning.

Thank you again for the support…. Wisdom…..hope

angelina

great post Slim. I will be referring to this one often b/c I want to be where you are.
why am I putting energy into this freak?
b/c he robbed me for a year?
created a false bond?
conned my family and I?

is smearing my name…….?

is it b/c I am nervous for the hearing for the RO on monday morning?
I went to legal aide today.
a lawyer will call me tomorrow.

has anyone here ever filed an RO and gone alone… no lawyer or anything?
I CAN DO THIS.
then… put it behind me and let God/Kharma/The Universe take care of it…..

I wish one of you were with me monday. 🙂

angelina

Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds. Don’t carve a roadmap of pain into the sweet wrinkles on your face. Don’t lay in the quiet with your heart pounding like a trapped, frightened creature. For your own precious and beautiful life, and for those around you seek help or get out before it is too late. This is your wake-up call!
— Bryant McGill

Remembertoforget

Kitty,
That is AWESOME that paragraph!! So true so true. Words to live by.
Dangerous indeed!

I’m in Florida and off on Monday! Lolllll. Big state! Hahaaa

angelina

I also for some reason… feel for the other women he lies to… and goes back to… and pity plays… and seduces….
for some reason I want to tell them and save them. I want them to know the truth.
I want someone else to be saved where I was not.

angelina

Remembertoforget…..
I am in south fl.
Ft Laud area.

Remembertoforget

Kitty,
I would meet you at the courthouse for moral support, but I forgot I see my psych Monday!

AnnettePK

I try to keep in mind that the ‘good’ traits are faked when they come from someone who lies, cheats, deceives, exploits, etc., because they are mutually exclusive characteristics.

For example they do ‘kind’ things so that people will think they are ‘kind’ so they can exploit others. Really being ‘kind’ means not harming others ever.

flicka

Yes, it greatly saddens old-timey compassionates like me to find it necessary to be wary of strangers. When I was young, so very long ago, life was so much kinder and friendlier. More Norman Rockwell-like!

bluelight

Thank you for this post. It’s so very true. I never thought of it that way before.

Remembertoforget

Anette,
So true. When I first met him, he acted like some savior! I feed people, I help people. Please! After his masked slipped a few times, he wasn’t preaching that role to me anymore.
Now though, no doubt he is…back on fb crying out- how he always gets hurt. How he does the right things for the wrong people.
Rope em’ in!

4Light2shine

Slimone thank you for sharing your insights. You are describing the exact subtypes that I have had to deal with. Because they present themselves as the opposite of what they truly are it boggles the mind. The cognitive dissonance we suffer is amplified as we begin to see glimpses into their true character because with a wave of their hand or a tear from their eye a veritable army of invalidators will fall all over themselves to shield their precious one from accountability. Just as you said, always kind, fun, entertaining, deeply spiritual, devoted to the ministry, ect., ON THE SURFACE. Once you see beyond the facade you come come to realize that all of these things are simply props to facilitate their true agenda to exploit others. This type of social predator who can keep all these resources available is deeply vested in maintaining the fraudulent image. Family can be incredibly useful as a front to throw the scent off of their vile double life. Basically anything good or appealing can and will be used to lure others in. The subtype that can play games to this level are a bit more advanced than your average spath. Because they choose their targets carefully and then have their arsenal of wicked tools to isolate, invalidate, slander, triangulate, ect, most of their targets tuck tail and run. Of course the feigning concern for you seals the deal for them when you leave. I’m sure they tear up and encourage their minions to pray for us no matter what terrible things WE DID TO THEM. After all we have to forgive. Insert projectile vomit !

Remembertoforget

4light,
Thank you for this…
today my mind is playing tricks on me, but it will pass…

slimone

So true 4light! There are those outright angry, loud, mean-spirited spaths, and then there are the ones that are truly cloaked in full costume and lifestyle.

I recently heard the spath I knew still tells people how amazing I was, how much he loved me, but it just ‘wasn’t meant to be’, that our lifestyles were too divergent, and that I wasn’t able to ’embrace’ his deep spiritual need to travel and spread the word (ie., be gone a lot, have sex with lots of women, not pay airfare or room and board, and party all night long). No, it wasn’t meant to be, but likely not in the way his minions are understanding it. It was confusing for a time, since he looked SO supportive, upbeat, kind, and inspiring.

I don’t really care what ‘they’ think any longer, good or bad (about me). I feel sorry they are wasting their time and energy being used by him, but that is a choice each of us has to make. Many of them are ‘abused’ by him too, but not too too much; not like being in a sexual relationship. They just try harder and harder to please him, and have him turn his attention in their direction. It is very sad, really.

In a way, and I know this sounds extreme, I feel glad I got SO close that I really GOT IT. I got that these people really exist. I got the red flags. I understood the repercussions for being involved with someone who is deeply disordered. I think being that up-close and personal really helped me wake up. Those people who live on the periphery often end up being like the guy who drags Dracula’s coffin around, slowly being drained of their personhood.

Remembertoforget

Slim,
Oooooh, good words,
Thank you!

angelina

I cant sleep. Just took med.. but like three hours too late. I have the ro hearing monday. saw legal aide today… not sure a lawyer can come with me mon, but they will give me advice on phone.
He is going to say I am lying. we all know it.

have I done the wrong thing in filing?

NOOOOOOOO.

I am just scared. He has come back five times. he always does. and he is crazy.

bluelight

Try to catch a breath and have a good night sleep.

You are doing the right thing. You need to stand up for yourself. It doesn’t matter what he says. What he does. Even if he lies or shows up. Even if it’s not granted it has a paper trail. So if he does show up again then you can be guaranteed to get one eventually. Let’s hope however tha doesn’t happen but keep in mind it might.
This guy did awful things. If he didn’t you wouldn’t be this tormented. This worked up and in fear. Don’t let the nerves get to you. That’s all him. That’s how they condition us.

I hope the lawyer can show up Monday and at least can sit down with you and tell you what’s going to happen and what documentation you need to bring. Or at least let you know what to expect. Did the domestic violence center help at all?

You’re doing good. If you feel the need to protect yourself that’s because your gut is telling you something. Donnas books heavily point out to: Trust your gut.

Wishing good night. Sending you peaceful thoughts and strength.

AnnettePK

Are you keeping a log of his stalking?

You know you can hire a lawyer to help you, which is almost always a better quality of representation than legal aid, because in most places the attorneys at legal aid don’t have the time to adequately help everyone who needs their assistance. Consider whether it’s worth it for you to hire one, even if you run up a credit card bill paying for it.

flicka

While intrinsically believing that we all ideally should seek and deserve justice, I sort of disagree with you all for several reasons: 1. the chances of legally winning against a psycho is very low and 2. prolonging a victim’s agony by having to prolong re-living life with a psycho is emotionally and financially draining, 3. this course of action could provoke deadly consequences to the victim. To increase her chances and time for healing, it is often more efficacious to cut one’s losses and turn tail and RUN from the perpetrator as far and as fast as one can. We all understandably seek vindication for the great harm done to us but is this reality? So what…it’ll only prove that we were harmed by a vicious psychopath, then what?
Sorry to say all of this for I’m a great believer in justice and spreading knowledge but not if it entails the sacrifice of s single, precious soul.
Good luck and wishes with your upcoming r.o. from all of us at the LF community!

angelina

thank you flica.
I do not have the money or the energy for a lawyer.

I want this behind me.

I want a papertrail so that if another women ever comes forward.. they will believe her.
I have spoken to 3 women he has abused and non of them reported it. Unreal.

AnnettePK

Yes, it’s a matter of personal discernment, based on the particular facts and circumstances. Each must decide what’s best for herself, which is difficult because, like you point out, sometimes it doesn’t accomplish anything positive.

angelina

My heart and mind are playing tricks on me.
huge. what is wrong with me?

I am scared of the ro hearing.

I should not be.

I will just tell the truth… and maybe bring his bottle or risperdone…that he was on for psychotic feautures….j to prove this guy can be dangerous.

how did I get into this?

How was I so manipulated into this mad web of deceit and drama and evil?

I feel like eliza DoLittle in “My Fair Lady”

“I’m a good girl I am!”

said with a cockney accent

AnnettePK

Court is intimidating for most people. It’s normal and natural that you feel fear and apprehension about it especially in the circumstances.

angelina

legal aide was no help. although I only made 21,000 last year.. I stated a job ONE MONTH AGO at 50,000 a year so now I do not qualify.

I just wrote a law firm we will see.

If not.. I just go. remain calm. tell the truth. say why I feel this ro is a necessity… and I also have his anti psyh med that he stopped taking three weeks ago…. he left it here b/c he is not gonna use it. causes ED sometimes and i guess he cant afford that now that he is on the prowl.
I am so disgusted with myself.
Im eating eating… but losing weight again.

I miss the person I thought he was… but I was just a place for him to stay and be taken care of from a broken leg… an then help him replace his car… and off he went… 7 months later… back to the bars and the “Ave” and the women and whatever else. It’s so wonderful that our firefighters are such outstanding members of society.
NO ONE WILL COME WITH ME TO MY RO HEARING. What the hell? NoT EVEN witnesses…. he is that intimidating.
Love they neighbor as myself? Maybe growing up in a loving catholic family was a bad thing. I learned to trust people. Love people. forgive people. And all too much.

flicka

Dear Kitty, How much I empathize with what you’re going through…the sad, lonely and difficult education in reality. But the harsh realization of what you’re gradually being confronted with, we’ve all been through and it is tough and unbelievable. EVERYONE deserts you and you realize you must go it alone, or slink away with all you really ever had….your own integrity. If you do get this r.o., keep in mind that there’s no going back; you must never see or contact your psycho again, even from a far. And the r.o. inherently could fire up his temper to the extent that you’re own life may be at risk. Many a woman in your shoes are “finished off” by their psycho’s coming to their workplace. Hopefully this will not happen to you but be very wary of all possibilities and know that we’re all behind you. Good luck!

bluelight

I just read this and I’m discusted. None of thes other women wish to write letters to the court? I can understand flicka’s comments but come on. This is for safety.

My advice to you is call firms around you and hire a lawyer. Even for a day this way they will be able to defend you properly. He may show up with one and claim innocence. Also get cameras. Stick it above the doors, and and any windows he might have tried to break in before. That way if he tries you have undeniable proof.
This probably will anger him I know anytime I confronted mine it ticked him off- but he probably will turn this around and use it to say something’s wrong with you ( as many of them do).
Is he still contacting you? Is he still stalking you?

While again the world is a hard crude reality not everyone should do the hard stuff alone. Can a family member or friend accompany you for support? I don’t even live on the same continent, if I did I’d be there. I’m like you in the catholic beliefs. Your support one another. I really feel for you. Just reading this makes me angry. You are right though. In any case show up and tell the truth. Also try to make a list of all the expenses he used at your house while he stayed. ( food per week per month/ utilities/rent/heating/car+gas).

Thistooshallpass

Kitty,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you know how RO court works where you live? I got a permanent restraining order where I live (in the U.S.) several years ago and we had to cross examine each other. It helped me to have things in writing and I stood my ground. I had a friend there for support so I could see her face while he was cross examining me. It was though. And he wasn’t even one of my spaths! I’m not brave enough to go there….I think you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Especially considering you’re in the early stages!

I agree with bluelight on the cameras. I have 2 on the outside of my house because of spath #1. He’s very covert in stalking but it helps give me a peace of mind if nothing else. They’re totally worth it!

I’m praying for you. Keep on staying strong. Even if the RO isn’t granted you’ve started a paper trail!

AnnettePK

Court is intimidating for most people. It’s normal and natural that you feel fear and apprehension about it especially in the circumstances.

I’m not an attorney, and I hope you are able to find one to help you; but I think it’s best if you tell the court the things he has done to harm you that you know of first hand. Coming by uninvited, unwanted calls, physical abuse, threats, – things he said and did that harm and frighten you that create the need for the RO. If you have a record of dates and what he did. I think you can play threatening and abusive messages he left you for the court. I’m not sure, though, so hopefully you will have an attorney.

Is your counselor any help in dealing with all this?

AnnettePK

Blue & Kitty,

Again, I’m not an attorney, but I think that the fact that he was living there and you were supporting him may create a complicated legal situation where he has a right to be there and it can create legal complications in trying to kick him out.

I think courts prefer that you stick to the legal points that have direct bearing on the matter at hand. It’s sad that you wasted money on him, but the court will look at it as your free choice. I suggest just presenting information as to why you need the RO.

AnnettePK

An attorney might be able to determine whether these witnesses can be subpoenaed so that they have to appear and testify. It may not be needed. An attorney could help you get written testimony.

stronginthecity

Kitty,
You got this!
I f I was near, I would go with you.
I had to get a RO on my ex husband (not the spath)many years ago.
I went alone. The courts and judges have heard it all. I didn’t have to say much. It was granted and the police came and physically removed him from our home. I did it alone and you can too.
They know. Just tell your story.
He put your health (risk of passing on STD’s )and finances at risk by cheating and mooching off you.
They will see that. Just stick to the facts. There may be a court liaison there to help you so go early. Don’t look at him. There are sheriff with guns there to protect you. He won’t pull any crap there or they will throw his ass in jail.
Hugs to you!!!!
Stronginthecity

flicka

The best payback to the sociopath and you as well, is to go NC with him and that he will see you’re capable of creating a happy life and goals sans him! Forget the money and broken promises; the fact that he makes you furious only serves to show him that he still has his “clutches” into you and further fuels his wickedness. Try to regain your former self by cresting your own happiness.

bluelight

I think that’s right. I mean they did volunteer us because we filled them up and took care of them so now we have to take care of ourselves. I know for one I used to be so determined in school and in a career and just with life. Now I’m empty. Heart broken, in dispair and fighting cancer which is tough in itself. He really dismantled me. My hopes. My dreams. I think they all did that to us. I also think we deserved better and deserve better right now. Sigh.

Thanks for the article. It makes a lot of sense. I’m going to go put my Christmas tree back in its box. Yes. It’s may. But before I went in to the hospital last it was January, and he had promised me this year we’d do something as soon as work didn’t keep him busy. Or maybe I’ll make a feast and invite some friends over and have a late holiday dinner. We all deserve it right? I don’t know. I’ll have to ponder. Thank you guys. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and whatever I find out it can’t be worse than this right?

Have a good night everyone. Read that link. It does help!

amille2

Blue…thank you for your posts and support….I think you have more strength than you realize…..

Have your friends and feast…. You deserve to be happy.

Ah yes…the promises that we would be together “the next time.” And then finally he invited me to a wedding where I would meet his friends and be introduced as his girlfriend….. He was part of the wedding party. I was so excited!

Only it never happened. Two weeks before the wedding he claimed he and the groom had a fight and the groom kicked him out of the wedding party. We would not go after all. Oh but guess what? The day of the wedding, two of his friends that were also in the wedding came to his house and got him….it seems the groom had a change of heart!

Meanwhile, mine was broken. I told him I didn’t want to see him after that. He came over 2 days later crying saying he knew he hurt me…but it wasn’t his fault that the groom did what he did..he loved me….that he would make it up to me….”next time” I would be at his side.

I didn’t believe that story by the way…but I believed the “next time” …..that never came.

bluelight

Amille2, thank you for your kind words.

I have to get enough courage to ask my friends. We’ll see what happens.

As for the wedding I hear you. Last spring he and I had a good time several months of “normality”, or me not questioning things and him liking that. We were going to go out for our anniversary. But when I called to see if he was ok by being late ( at this time I prepared a three course meal, and had everything ready even being dressed up and making everything to his liking) he accidentally answered the phone in the car. All I heard was him and a women’s voice. Then hung up.

I got a call back from him about an hr or so later. He forgot to tell me had a work thing. A guy at work that he had been talking about for months and how he thinks like me and we were like brother and sister from a different mother and how he really wants me to meet him, yada.. Well he was getting ready to go to his wedding. Sorry couldn’t make it. Hung up on me mid sentence.

A few days later he did what you described you got. It’s like they are a robot. Their sentences. Excuses. I’m learning it’s very very alarming.

I never got a happy anniversary needless to say. I spent it alone crying and saving the food for him for another time.

I’m sorry to hear you had to go through those promises. It really cuts deep. All of this. Because we believe it. How they sleep at night is astounding. Even now. I sit here and stare at the screen. I want my possessions. My photos of the people I made friends with in the hospital who actually were there for me. He has them. Why do that? Why if you’re with someone else do that? even if not. I read on here the stories of mistreatment. It’s clear they set us up to fall. And we do and they get a kick out of it. It’s evil. It really is evil. Is it wrong I want to write a letter to his parents and get my possessions back? My phone? My glasses. My pictures. My pets remains? He can keep the clothes. It’s the irreplaceables. The meaningful things. Or should I let that go? Why should I loose something else. Why should any of us? This should be a crime. There really should be a database of all these s.
I’m going to have a bubble bath and try to sleep some. I wish you all a good night and know I am grateful for all of you. You guys give me hope. Thank you for that post of the narc bonding. It clearly depicts what I’ve been feeling. Thank you Donna for this site and your books. It’s helping. Have a restful and good night to all of you.

angelina

I just woke up.. first. … oh… my life partner is gone. Not holding me…
then I felt GRATITUDE for my restraining order.

If I hadn’t filed one.. he’d WOULD be next to me… Lying and manipulating and using me all over again.

I have protectedy self and I’m grateful all of a sudden.

AnnettePK

That’s a good way to feel; it’s good your thoughts are settling into gratitude and understanding that you are protecting yourself.

Your thoughts and feelings will probably be all over the place for awhile; until you recover from shock.

angelina

so the legal aide lawyer on phone… said do not bring print out of other women writing youllll telling you how he beat and burned and tortured them

so not talk about other women. to not label him a sociopath.

stick to the physical altercations. tell of a pattern. tell of why you feel it will happen again that you would like to protect yourself.

calm. no drama. if he flings my past… which he will… he knows I was in treatment for anorexia and PTSD…. he knows a woman with dementia filed a restraining order….and did ot show up and none of it was true…
he knows I was Baker acted when the above happened b/c it was by my own birthmother and I became homeless in one second.

none of that matters. I left office at 5:30…. he had been drinking… he held me against wall… with hand around my neck so I could not breathe and asked me who did I stop and see and who did I give a blowjob too?

he has pushed. shoved.
he was terminated from…. insert name of senior facility here… byt… insert name of exec dir here for
yelling at me in front of elderly residents and staff in the lobby.

blah blah blah….

I did not call cops.. b/c he reminds me that he has gotten over sometimes 20 speeding tickets a year b/c all the cops are his buddies as he is with the fire dept.

everytime he leaves me… and everytime after one of his episodes….. he comes back… a week or so later…. unannounced.. intoxicated and at all hhours o the night.

he has come to me as I am sleeping…. announced… I had accidentaly left my door open…. pulled my covers off…. screamed… why are you not answering your phone… are you fucking someone?
and then left to go to a strip club with his buddies as he and they informed me later.

again, intoxicated.

he has done this five times since last July. He alsostopped taking his risperdone… which helps him with paranoia and psychosis. I have the bottle if they need it.

falling asleep. happy mother’s day. thank you all for loving and nurturing and supporting me.

I will be calm. confident. stick to the facts. his pattern. I am not safe from this man and never will be unless you protect me. He will not risk losing his job.

AnnettePK

Kitty,

It sounds like the advice you got from the legal aide lawyer over the phone is really good advice. It sounds like you have a handle on it; you’ve posted a good summary of your court plan here. Even though you’re under incredible stress, you’re in the midst of grief, and suffering PTSD, you’re thinking intelligently and clearly about this.

I think you’re doing an amazing job coping, and I think you have a lot to offer in relationships with friends, family, and maybe one day romantic, to people who deserve all the good and valuable things you have to give.

angelina

rereading this one. so helpful.

it is just so weird… he had wealthy chics after him.

I have nothing. A one bedroom rented apartment and a job as a music therapist at a Senior Community. he said that proved he loved me. He could be driving a Bentley and living in a 5 million dollar house with a rich widower who told him to quit his second job and she will support him.

AnnettePK

If he said that he could be driving a Bentley and living in a $5M home with a rich widow…. it might be true or it might not be.

Anything spaths say has no value because it is random whether it happens to be true.

angelina

I am physically ill from this… and…

now that I am finding out just what a conartist he was.. just the amount of women he was screwing, lying to… loving, leaving and loving…. and looking for place to live.. I am very happy and grateful to be free, but….

WHY THE HELL AM I SAD?

It is like saying… oh…. your cancer is gone….

so I am depressed b/c the very thing that was kiling me is gone forever… and in fact… never was real in the first place?

WHY AM I SAD AND FEEL AS IF I HAVE BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK AND CANT MOVE.

I came home and collapsed at like 7:20…. slept til 10 when a friend called.
I am so grossed out that I was with such a disipicable person. A whore. no integrity. no loyalty to anyone.

I hate him so much now and I am not a hateful person and have never hated. but this was like being raped. for almost a year.. emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually, mentally.
and he is fine… back on “The Ave”…. drinking and screwing, targeting more women.

good night.

bluelight

Kitty lover

Please don’t say that about yourself. You’re not. You loved a dispucabble person. That doesn’t make you bad or negative or any of what you wrote. I was about to log off and saw your day.

I’m glad you’re angry with him. Let it out. Just don’t let it out on yourself. You’ve had enough mistreatment.

You’re doing good.
Focus on that.

Be angry. But I think it’s about loving ourselves. The more in reading the more I’m learning how their games of manipulation addicts us. Two people posted links above about articles. Try reading them.

But please don’t call yourself names.
He’s an arse and I agree it’s not fair. It’s not fair how we are all here feeling runned over used broken and in dispair while these idiots run around town like nothing ever happened and people believe them. But they know how to work people.

All of this is sick. All of it. But please know you are not one word you called yourself. Not any of us are. If anything your comments and stories are helping me. So thank you. My list is kind, caring and a friend. So please sleep well my friend.

angelina

Oh……
and do not forget…
“Protecting and Serving” the same community on which he preys….

as a Firefighter/Paramedic!
that to me is the worst part.

AnnettePK

It is the ultimate hypocrisy. Spaths often work as religious ministers and other jobs that imply trustworthiness and service.

flicka

As the mother of a grown psychopathic medical doctor-son, I can testify that psychotics are all around us, in ALL walks of life!

slimone

Kittylover,

Just adding my voice of support. I too was physically ill, and totally ‘sick at heart’ after the final discard. I don’t know about you, but I think the sadness comes from several directions.

Firstly, having sex creates huge amounts of bonding hormones, that help us create loving attachments to one another (unless you are disordered, then this mechanism is short circuited). When these, along with the high-energy stress hormones that kept us ‘on edge’, are suddenly CUT OFF our bodies and emotions go through serious adjustment. It does cause physical symptoms: insomnia, lack of appetite, emptiness, sweating, dry mouth, lethargy, fatigue. It also causes emotional symptoms like sadness, depression, and feelings of emptiness. It takes awhile for our bodies to come back into balance, for our ‘fight or flight’ neurological system to calm, for our love hormones (Oxytocin, dopamine, etc…) to start responding to ‘normal’ stimuli. But it will be balanced again, at some point.

Additionally, we start to grieve for our lost innocence. All of us believed that we were all created equal. This includes our desire to be loved, to please and care for others, to create intimacy and trust. THEN, whammo!, one of our deepest cultural/familial/religious/spiritual premises is BLOWN OUT the water. We find out that it isn’t true. Some people really can never be trusted or dealt with. This is an incredibly sad realization when it comes. We cannot be in the world any longer, and be innocent, and we don’t yet feel the wisdom that comes from the loss of this innocence, so we feel lost and sad and scared. We feel like we have lost some of the foundation of our belief system….and we have. It takes time to rebuild, and to become strong in our wisdom. But it does happen.

Hang in there sweetie….

Slim

angelina

Slim… your post means a lot to me.
You have hit the nail on the head.

AND I AM SOOOOO ANGRY AT MYSELF.
Trying not to me… this guy was good. Trust me.

But I recieved and I may share it with you all…

a good intentioned email from my best friend since I was 18 years old in 1988.
She is truthful and honest. But also… she got married in the mormon church at the age of 21… so not many sociopaths could target her.
But she does say something so interesting everybody—-

she says…

“WHY IS IT THAT I SAW ALL THE WAY FROM CHICAGO TO FLORIDA THAT THIS GUY WAS BAD NEWS A YEAR AGO?” And no matter what I said…. you took him back.

She is right.
but then again…
she was not the target.
or me… alone in a new state with no one and recovering from another trauma as well as anorexia and severe depression.

she is so right…..
but so wrong.

but she does say it is my fault b/c there were too many red flags and I believed his rationalizations.

AnnettePK

Her comments to you are about her being right about him instead of about the horror he is and the pain you’re feeling. Maybe it’s because she lives a sheltered life and doesn’t relate to what you’re going through now. It doesn’t seem like she’s going to be a big source of support to you.

I gave up trying to explain my spath experience to most of my friends and acquaintances. Only a very few people really got it. I just told most people my ex psychopath had a porn addiction so I had to leave him. You may find yourself summarizing it to people as “he cheated so I had to break up,” and leave it at that.

bluelight

It’s true. Today I invited some friends for a holiday dinner for this weekend. I agree with your advice. Some thought it was a great idea while two needed further explaination. I actually got into a big disagreement with one. Expecting me not to have been harmed or hurt or sad and I was frowned upon when I told him a bit of emotions I’ve been going through since the release of my hospital. He said that everyone saw that he never talked and never was there for me that I should be elated and not broken and shouldn’t have a need to throw a holiday themed supper for friends.

People don’t get it. I’m seeing that. I loved him for more than a third of my life. Being discarded no explaination it’s hard. I’ve been crying over here.
If I knew he was cheating it would hurt but at least I’d have a conclusions reason as to why. But I feel like I was nothing to him and that’s very very hard right now.

Feeling broken right now and I’m not going to lie but my heart wishes I could call him and hear his voice or at least an explaination. But that’s the pattern with him. He does bad silent treatment and he comes back. Excuses. Some good times and Repeat. I didn’t call him.

As for the court hearing do not go without a lawyer. That’s my opinion. Go with a lawyer! This way he will not be prepared. Show the lawyer what you gave the boss, as some proof and any other proof. Do you have friends as witnesses? If so get they to go or write letters on your behalf.
He will look for vulnerabilities and use them against you. Remember that’s what they did to all of us. Lawyers should be prepared for this even legal aid ones. The should be able to recognize the signs.
If I lived in your state I would accompany you.

Slim thank you for your posts. Very enlightening.

slimone

Kittylover,

I also had people tell me they saw it coming from a mile away (or farther!). It feels shaming now, though I am sure your friend probably didn’t mean to shame you. At some point it won’t feel that way”..

It is true though that these people were not the targets. Unless they have been targeted in the past, or are highly knowledgeable about sociopaths, there is NO WAY they can possibly understand what any of us have been through, and how much shame, sadness, anger, and confusion we get left with.

And when they don’t understand we feel that much more ashamed. Try not to. There is no shame in being tricked, lied to, and betrayed. The shame belongs to the abuser, not you. Being angry at ourselves is part of moving forward. Feeling bad for not ‘being there’ for ourselves is also part of moving forward. These feelings help us correct our course. Feeling shamed is not particularly helpful”.that shame is what is left for us to deal with, because our abuser refuses to feel it. Best we don’t take on something that is not ours. As best we can”.

flicka

I have been told that the ONLY legal benefit of an r.o. or “paper trail” is possibly pointing the authorities to look into the possibility of the psychotics guilt AFTER their dastardly deed has been done. I fear that it will only fuel the determination and hatred of the psychotic, which can be deadly.

paulAU

Hi all,

I am new to this forum, I am EXTREMELY DESPERATE and NEED YOUR HELP.

I am married to a same sex guy, I was abused physically, verbally and financially, I lost most of my life savings with him.

He fits the profile of a Sociopath perfectly, I was betrayed and lied. He took very bad revenge when I left him. He stole my hotmail and facebook contacts cause he had my passwords. He emailed several people around me, he told my Mom and nephew I was gay.

It’s been pretty bad to the point I was searching for ways to kill myself, but I preferred to be a survivor as I found out forums like this.

I never had closure and I will never have.

I am very depressed and cry frequently.

Having NO CONTACT is extremely difficult because I love him, but I know I love the illusion instead.

PLEASE HELP ME, I AM DESPERATE, VERY DESPERATE, MY FRIENDS ARE TIRED OF MY STORIES AND JUST THINK “YOU SHOULD JUST MOVE ON”.

DONNA: YOU ARE SAVING LIVES WITH THIS WEBSITE, THANK YOU…

smallsteps

Hi PaulAU,

You’ve come to the right place. You’re not alone.
I’m at the beginning of my 2nd week without my ex and the pain is raw and desperate.
Have you been to see a doctor about getting help? My GP gave me sleeping tablets (which have helped a bit, 4hrs is better than none) a low dose antidepressant and has helped with referrals to therapists so I can talk this through with a professional.
It will be hard for your friends to be empathetic, because they haven’t lived through your situation and breaking up with a sociopath / narcissist just isn’t the same as the end of a normal relationship. You’ve been abused. You’ve been betrayed. I’ve been reading as much as I can about narcissistic relationships and have found this site and all the lovely people on this forum to be full of kindness and good advice. All the reading has been helpful in sorting out the puzzle of whys and what ifs in my head. I found one book called When Love is a Lie which was a good starting point, it’s how I ended up on this site.
I’m sorry this terrible man has come into your life and made you feel this way, but you’re not alone. We’re all going through these things together. We’ll get you through this. x

amille2

I am on week 2 as well. I cant seem to move past the surreal and bewilderment stage.

He never loved me at all during the past 5 years? Why did he spend so much time with me? Why was he so generous with gifts? Why did he take the time to fix so many things at my parent’s house? Rewire my brother’s living room and kitchen? Send so many cards and flowers?

The whole time it was a lie. I mean nothing to him. I was just a sex toy. I was the other woman. His military reunions with the guys were actually trips with his wife. His anxieties and pain were elaborate deceptions.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around all this. I keep trying to let it go. And then another lie screams out during the day….or in my sleep. There are so many that it frightens me.

No contact is empowering. It isn’t easy.However it gives me back some of my self respect. If I can’t get past my shame, I can at least distance myself from the root cause.

smallsteps

Hi Amille2,

I’m asking myself those same questions. It’s all so hurtful and cruel and confusing.
Why did he move in with me? Be so kind and loving? Invite me to meet his family on many occasions. All of my ex’s Rugby weekends were the same, opportunities to see his wife and another woman. I had no clue. He invited her to our flat on more than one occasion. They went sightseeing together while I was away working! All the while sharing my life and planning our future and telling me I was his ‘one’.
The lies are tormenting me. Lies about everything and nothing so he could keep his dual lives. I can’t even cry anymore I just feel numb. (Perhaps that’s the antidepressants finally kicking in). I just want it all to be a dream. I’m really struggling with no contact today. His last message came on Thursday and I haven’t replied. It won’t help, but I want it to.
I keep turning my phone off but then I turn it back on again. I’m saying positive affirmations and reading and praying for sleep.
Let’s just get through today for now, hey? x

angelina

I am taking a ten minute break from a Mother’s Day Brunch where I am playing piano.

I have come to my office… and get on LF..
and once again I begin reading a post and LITERALLY think it is one I must have written!

Small Steps…. we are in the same boat.
No contact and you will see more clearly and recover.
Filing a restraining order has not only helped to protect my physically….
but emotionally. spiritually. financially.
he can no longer come crying and look so real.. and hold my hand.. and tell me the others mean nothing and keeps leaving me b/c he is scared I will leave him.

But… one reason I have taken a piano break is I am overwhelmed with sadness.

I walked into a private dining room that an individual family had reserved just for themselves.
The daughter of one of my residents.. about 60 years old and well established here came up to me… put her arm around me and announced to the room of her relatives… “Attention everyone. This Is Megan you have heard about. The most talented person I think I have ever met.”
She told me my singing was angelic and my creative movement for these low functioning residents made her cry.
I said, “Thank you.. I will be playing piano in the dining room at 1:30.”
She yelled, “YOU PLAY PIANO TOO?”

So I should be happy right?
Yeah… I am so talented and pretty and smart and compassionate with the residents.
One family member calls me, “The Elder Whisperer”

and was just taken for a ride b/c of those things.

I am playing piano… and just two weeks ago… I was playing for my spath as he relaxed and smoked on my porch or lay on my couch. He loved when I played… and would listen forever.

The last time I played, he said that he could not wait until we had our own place… with a piano and he would cook while I am playing and his kids would be over.

He told me constantly… that I was one of the most beautiful, intelligent and talented people he has ever met.

thing is.. he was not lying. The Lord has blessed me.
but with these gifts… came a high sensitivity and vulnerability.
My father.. an Administrator who is all logic (I am adopted… and that is another story..)… used to say that it seemed I only used my right brain. I was a very artistic child. Ask me how to get to a classroom and I was lost!

So… I just wasted.. wasted… 8 months entertaining and sharing my talents and time and love and body and money and future and apartment and car (his go repossessed) and parents and dreams and holidays… WITH SOMEONE WHO DID NOT DESERVE IT… BUT HE WAS LYING SO DRASTICALLY… that how was I to know?

I feel raped.

and now I am 45… being told how talented and etc I am…..
alone on Mother’s day.
messed up

AnnettePK

Kitty,

I’m sure it’s a bittersweet Mother’s Day considering what you’re going through, but it sounds like a good Mothers otherwise. Your music is making people happy on this special day. You are appreciated in that way.

I hope you can enjoy that aspect of it.

Jan7

Amille2, your welcome. So glad you found LF and also that you had the strength to tell your story to us. I was the same way…once my new individual counselor told me who my h was (then h) I was DONE right then and there…that was my closure on leaving him and never looking back.

The divorce was hell & his smear campaign that he started from day one of the marriage was heart breaking because I am a straight and narrow honest person so who knows what lies he told…but in the end I know the truth and so does God and that is all the matters.

What all of these evil sociopaths did not count on, was all of their victims supporting and lifting each other up during the healing process.

Jan7

Amille2, I just wanted to add that sociopaths have many victims at one time…each victim is giving the sociopath something that either the sociopath can not gain on his own or something they want right then and there…but most importantly they are giving the sociopath power & control over their victims this is the ultimate goal of theirs.

ie for me I had a high paying job and he needed his mortgage paid for then I became the “cover” for his secret life to make him appear “normal”…his countless mistresses were used for sex, maybe they had money to buy him things, or business connections & also he travelled with them on business so it was sex & not being alone while on the road.

There is a term call “sociopath madonna & whore complex” (google) the mistresses are usually used for sex that the sociopath want but knows the wife will become suspicious about their thought process or the wife will not engage in that type of sex so they find someone who they can manipulate into having the type of sex they want. PLEASE know I am not trying to make you feel bad I just want you to know this term so you fully understand how evil they really are and how sick & twisted their thought process really is.

Do a search at the top of LF & Google these terms also:

sociopath pity play

gas lighting abuse

Jan7

Amille2, it’s normal what you are going through emotionally after leaving a sociapoth (sadly). Took me three weeks to comprehend & sink in that my h (now ex) had no conscience after my therapist told me who my h was….even though I knew he had all the traits of a sociopath I just could not get my mind around the fact that some people on this planet have no conscience and I was married to one. So crazy!!

Let your brain sort things out, keep reading when you are “bewildered” it will open up your mind each day you do from his brain washing.

He loved bombed your WHOLE family!!

He was setting you all up for his con game….he wanted your family to believe that he was a good guy so that if you started to tell them that he was not a “good guy” they would not believe you & he was most likely going to start the triangulation stage against you & your family to isolate you from them. These guys have a plan in mind from the very beginning. They have played their con game many many times his wife & her family were played too. That is how he knows his con games work for sure on your family/you.

No contact is the ONLY way to get back your life…glad you know this, yes it is hard to do. When you feel like you want to contact him come here and vent it will help you to end that urge.

PLease have no shame in what happened to you…you were conned by a con artist into a game you had know idea you were playing.

When I caught my husband in his first affair he told me it was his mistress that went after him and then proceeded to triangulate (google) me against her…guess what his manipulative words worked on BOTH of us. He was telling me he never loved her while all along he was telling her he loved her and not me. This is what they do to prevent the wife from contacting the mistress and mistress from contacting wife with the truth = they are were having an affair. She was his co worker and would invite me down for lunch with HER/him…crazy game he played on both of us (before I had proof of their affair).

He begged me to stay crying, sobbing, “I will change” etc etc all manipulative lies when I finally had proof…sadly I stayed another 7 years even the marriage counselor was conned by him and the hell got worse…when I finally crawled away from him he had 3 mistresses in two different states!! I told my counselor that I though he had 8 to 12 affairs looking back during our marriage she told me that it was more like 3 to 4 times that amount as this is what sociopaths do they are serial cheaters. Very sad that I lived in a marriage with a man who did not care about me or any of the women that he was with…just like Tiger Woods secret life. Thank God I escaped & the same for you hon.

For me I forgave myself for staying his wife when I wanted to leave him everyday…he got his friends involved after his first affair to convince me to stay…I was so brain washed at that time they did not have to say much.

I want you to know as a (ex)wife of a sociopath you should have no shame in what happened to you…you were sucked into a married guys con game with his manipulative words.

Learn how you got sucked in & how to avoid it again by educating yourself fully…remember there are a lot of married guys who cheat/lie/abuse all women in their lives and are looking for a target everyday. Education is the only way to spot a bad guy.

78% of divorces are filed by the wife…think about that 78% of wives are sick of their husbands…be picky when you meet a guy and ask yourself what is wrong with this guy…interview him like you are interviewing a prospective employee in a job interview & follow your gut the first day. And listen to exactly what he is saying not what you want him to say…this is what we all should have done with the sociopath.

YOU are going to get through this very difficult time in your life…you are going to be stronger…you are going to find your voice and you are going to know exactly when to cut someone who is abusive out of your life right in the beginning and not feel any guilt about it.

Google “brene Brown Ted.com” and watch her two videos one on Vulnerability and the other on Shame.

Read Lovefraud by Donna Anderson, Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (this one my counselor gave me excellent!) and The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout (this one you can listen to on you tube for free just google). Before you date again read the book How to spot a dangerous man by Sandra Brown (your local library may have these).

HUGS to you!! Take care 🙂

amille2

Thank you Jan7 for your wonderful words of wisdom. …most definitely didn’t understand that I was playing a game.

I can honestly say I have no desire to contact him. I have read enough to know what would happen if I do.

amille2

Wow on the triangulation Jan7. He was always claiming that his ex wife wanted him back….that she told his daughter that they would be a family again. Funny because I wrote that off to him being insecure and wanting to make himself look better. I felt no jealousy or need to contact her. I always just shrugged when he started in on that.

I understand on there being many victims. The ex wife may be around after all. With all these conversations flooding back, I realize that his current wife used to be his daytime mistress….she confronted him while he was with his night time Mistress….. And then he broke up with nighttime (so he claims…I think she dumped him after his now wife showed up on his door step)…I became daytime…his wife found a job and became nighttime….

The more I come to terms with this…the more I agree he just used me for sex. He never asked for money….he has his wife for financial aid I guess.

I read about spath pity. He is really really good at that. He was victimized in so many ways…I felt bad for him.

I will not reach out to him. The NC appeals to my logical side. And I do have some pride left. I never was on the receiving end of silent treatments and other cruel games I have read about. I’m not going to give him the chance…or satisfaction….

He sent me another text today. I promptly deleted. I now know he is just trolling….trying to see if I’m still hooked….

Jan7

Amille2, yep he was telling me he loved me not his mistress while all along he was telling her he loved her and not me. So sick they are…so many crazy games with NAME…who knew!?!

I too am a very logical person so when I learned who he was after searching desperately for answers through marriage counseling (what a joke) where he & all sociopaths manipulate the counselors and turn the table on the victim but also they learn how to manipulate the victim even more by mimicking the counselor at home.

Everyone in the sociopath’s life is used for something. EVERYONE is a victim…once I read about triangulation I was able to let go my anger with his first mistress and realized that last 3 helped me leave him for good without them even knowing the gift they gave me. They were occupying his time & I made my escape from him.

You are going to get through all of this nightmare quickly because you are not making this a matter of the heart but a matter of the mind. This is very good!! Logic is one of the keys to surviving in this crazy world…follow your gut always!! 🙂

amille2

Jan7………thank you again for the info…….reading materials……and most importantly, your story. I’m so sorry that you ended up married to someone who treated you so poorly. No one deserves that.

I appreciate you telling me not to feel shame….I do only because I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I knew something was off/wrong. I guess I just wanted to believe he was really wonderful……..and that I found someone to grow old with once the kids were on their own.

I also feel a bit of guilt for being the mistress. THe other woman actually lives with him….and as I mentioned before….probably paid for all the gifts he gave me. Maybe not directly…but I bet she is covering the bulk of the living expenses.

With that said…..my memories have finally pieced together the chain of events that led me to him. I truly believe she used to be the mistress……so I’m guessing she knows what he is on some level. I do not feel compelled to warn her or compare notes. I’m too afraid of his response.

Even though he was never cruel to me…..LOL, other than the entire relationship was a lie….again, knew something was off. That I would never want to be on the receiving side of his anger.

I’m very good at the logic side…how the No Contact makes absolute sense. It is actually a relief in some ways. I can walk away and not have to deal with him.

It is my emotional side that worries me. I’m not good at that. AT ALL. My fear is seeing him again. He looked so sorry and sad when I told him to leave. Yes, logically I know he was acting……..but my heart somewhat refuses to believe that…….that he really did care on some level.

I know in time that will fade…I keep a print out of the obit in night stand. When my heart starts talking…..I read the obit…..and remind myself that he is married…..that it was all a lie.

Thank you again for your concern……for reaching out.

I hope you have someone wonderful by your side now….or if not, that you are happy and healthy…..you have helped me more than I can express.

Jan7

Amille2, your welcome.

I totally understand not listening to the gut. That is my biggest regret, still working through that issue. The first time I met him through a mutual friend I thought he was a “tornado”. The second time I met my ex I though he was crazy not crazy in a fun way but crazzzzzy. He knows exactly how to con people he is masterful at pity play & pushing peoples boundaries. I saw who he was but was not able to get away from him because of all the mind games he played, all the manipulation, lies, pity play, gas lighting, pushing boundaries etc.

I was sooo right about who he was. I look back and my gut was sending out RED FLAG alerts none stop. I had just moved to a new state for a job & was lonely. He had a large group of friends, really they were just conned into his cult like group.

I let my guard down & he moved very quickly to suck me into his game by wearing me down with love bombing. Like he does with everyone. So crazy when I look back.

there is a very good video of “Oprah & Gavin Debecker on you tube” (google) about listening to your gut. Gavin Debecker is the author of “Gift of Fear” which is a book on reminding everyone to listen to our guts from the second we get a alarm. Very powerful reminder! (not sure if I posted this for you already or not)

I never wanted to date, move in, or marry my ex h…but he got his way. In the video of Oprah & Gavin Debeker she makes a point to say “NO, is a complete sentense” & she states that if someone is trying to get you to do something you dont want you have to ask yourself why are they being so controlling? Why are they trying to control me? And I should have said this about him.

After I escaped my ex I drove across country & found a counselor who told me who my ex was. The first day I asked if he had brain washed & hypnotized me because that is how I felt the first day with him…she said YES on both accounts this is what they do & this is what society does not understand. In the book Women who love psychopaths by sandra Brown she explains this aspect and also that they trance their victims too.

That day when I returned home I researched Brain washing & mind control which lead me to Steven Hassan who is an expert on the subject with regards to domestic abuse & cults. His book explained that people let their guard down when they have some life change such as a divorce, relationship breakup, a death in the family, a move, change in school/going off to college, empty nest.

And you are most like to get sucked into a abusive relationship/cult during this time of your life. Why this time are you more likely to get sucked into a abusive relationship? because your guard is down while you deal with the change and a sociopath moves in for the kill with love bombing & mimicking your belief system, dreams & goals. So think about what was going on in your life when he entered it that is a big step in how you prevent yourself from getting targeted in the future = when you are vulnerable be alert!

Just like in the African Safari a lion can pick out the weak animal or the animal that his not paying attention. Then that is their target victim. Sociopaths can spot someone in a vulnerable place from a mile away. Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of Mind (highly recommend) connected the fact that a domestic abuser & cult leader are the same (most are narcissist/sociopaths/psychopaths).

We were cult followers and our abusers were cult leaders. This helped to see how the brain washing aspect worked along with the fact it is not easy to escape as the break us down so we have low self esteem & isolate us from the out side world.

Really makes you look not only at domestic abuse (which the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional & mental not physical) but also how cult behavior is every where in our society from religion, political parties, clubs, organization etc.

I think it is healthy minded for your to feel some guilt about being the other woman. This means you have empathy & compassion for others = your are not a narcissist or sociopath. This is a blessing. Even though you were a victim the guilt is a normal good emotion means you are a good person who does not want to hurt/harm others intentionally.

For me I did warn his three mistress. By then I was fully educate on what my ex did to not only me but to all of these other women. I felt the need to warn them because I did not want them to suffer like I did. I was in a safe place and sent one a letter, called one (because we did business where she worked) & emailed the other. The first one heed my warning and dumped him promptly because she had no idea he was married. The other two were too far sucked into his con game & believing all his lies & smear campaign against me.

But I did direct them to LF and other sites so hopefully they eventually put two & two together & went to those sites. I felt like I had to warn them. The one I emailed she sent me back several nasty emails calling me stupid etc. I just told her yes I was stupid to believe his lies and hope that one day she will see that I was the honest person & was trying to keep her safe from him & that I was the one to file for divorce and wanted nothing to do with him any more & wished her only the best. Not sure what every happened to that situation as it did not matter I know exactly what he was doing to her and all the other women that he had manipulated into affairs with him.

My advise to you if you feel the need to warn his latest victim is to only do it if you are in a safe place & to write a anonymous letter with just a list of sites & books to read with the warning that you are worried about her safety that she is dating a sociopath. Telling her what he did to you will only bond them closer to each other which means it will be harder for her to leave him for good. He has already lied to her about you so she will not believe anything you say negative but factual about him. This is why it is just best to direction them to sites/books with the facts for her to read about his disorder/behavior.

I think that when you are a logical person it’s hard to know how to deal with all the emotions. I have the same problem. I think it is important to feel the emotions as they are telling you to really stop and see what is going on and the logical side is quick to judge the situation. It’s a balance. For me now listening to my gut is a must never weaver from the gut reaction. And if your emotions are going haywire during this time remove yourself from the situation until you can assess your emotions & logic. But don’t talk yourself out of your first gut reaction to the situation.

I am happily single and have no desire to date…a good place to be.

Glad you found LF and had the strength to reach out with your post.

Jan7

Hi PaulAU, huge hugs to you. I am so glad you searched the net and found your way to lovefraud. This is a wonderful site filled with incredible information & is a great support site for you to educate yourself & to heal.

The way you are feeling hon is sadly normal when escaping a sociopath. You have done so many great steps and the most important step you have taken is following the No Contact rule…BRAVO to you for following this rule which will lead you to peace & calmness once again.

Be kind to yourself right now…all of your emotions that were suppressed during the relationship are now coming up…it’s over whelming most of the time…you are going through also all of the grieving stages just like a death in the family along with finding out the reality that this man was pure evil. Google “grieving stages” so that you understand exactly what you are experiencing.

To calm your body, mind & spirit looking at adrenalfatigue. org (see the symptoms list), Drlam.
com (see the symptoms list), Mialundin. com read her book/see her you tube videos and google “adrenal fagutige” . The sociopath knows exactly how to create stress & drama with their crazy mental games that will push a victim over their emotional edge on purpose.

Please know that it is not all “in your head” that the stress that you have been under has caused adrenal gland issues most like adrenal fatigue. The adrenal glands regulate the blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight or freeze response mode), and regulate over 50 hormones including progesterone (which is the body’s nature relaxer hormone), estrogen, testosterone). It is estimated that 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood. The adrenal glands are a huge deal and overlooked by most. Find a good endocrinologist or hormonal doctor to test you & to balance your body again.

Get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, and hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD. Most victims it not all suffer from PTSD and it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD because of your ex.

Along with Donna Anderson’s book (site creator) you can look at the book store at the top of this site for her list of book recommendations. My counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which explained in detail what my ex h did to me. Also watch Donna’s videos at the top under the red/gray tap labeled “videos. Watch these videos over and over to open your mind up from the brain washing.

Other site Psychopathyawareness. com & Psychopathfree. com are both excellent as well.

When you are emotional sad, crying, angry, etc come to LF and others and read everything & vent plus journal to get the thoughts out of your mind. Sociopaths literally brain washing & mind control their victims so you need to open up your mind from all of his mind control. Your ex is a cult leader & you were a cult follower. It does not matter if a sociopath has one victim or 1000 followers they do the same mind games to each and every person. SO come here and post when you are feeling emotional and read everything.

Google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and watch his videos/read his books (might be at your local library) google “Ted.com Dr Amen” to watch his other videos & Google “Dr AMen depression you tube” to watch his videos on that subject”. He is world renowned therapist and brain expert. His site is “Amenclinic. com. He has a book on anxiety/depression.

Also when you are emotional PLEASE contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) to talk with a free counselor. Outside the USA google for your countries hotline. They also have free counseling & free women group meetings at your local abuse center which really do help to know you are not alone and for support.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE, WE HEAR YOU!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Hugs to you. Wishing you all the best.

Take care.

Jan7

PaulAU,

Your closure on this abusive relationship is in the fact you found out that he is a sociopath…that IS your closure.

YOU have now ZERO regret leaving him, you have Zero regret ending this relationship and you have ZERO regret going no contact…this is your closure.

You might not see this now but you will down the road know you have your closure.

It takes time to see this.

angelina

Preparing for a restraining order hearing… tomortow morning. ..I feel Sick. He will be right there next to me legal aide said. I will not back down. I was just living him and massaging him and cooking for him and making love to him and laughing w him … 2 weeks ago.
Mind blow.

AnnettePK

That mind blow is a shock and a trauma to your mind and heart.

Prayers for the hearing to go well. Be prepared to feel overwhelming emotions. It would be good if you can take some time to rest and process whatever happens after the hearing.

angelina

awesome post Jan7!!!!!!

Jan7

Kity, glad you read it. 🙂

paulAU

Thanks all for your comments. A while ago I was considering suicide cause basically the smear campaign he did was pretty bad, and I had no job, he took my money, and I had no accommodation. But I decided to be a survivor. Sometimes I feel very angry with myself because I still have feelings for that monster, but I know I can’t go back there and I know there was a lot of manipulation. Everything was pretty bad because I married him in the United States and I separated and I had to leave the U.S., then, I couldn’t get a restraining order. He attacked me every day through emails, he messaged my friends, mom, nephew, he took my money, he even opened a website to damage my reputation and I couldn’t do anything because of the distance. I feel raped, I feel abused and I need to get my dignity back. My life was left in pieces.

Jan7

paulAU, look into cognative disorder it will explain why you still have feelings for him. Rememer he used lovebombing on you to make you think that he was a good guy so you naturally remember some good times but if you really assess what he did he just conned you with everything.

Focus on the bad times and then you will see that 100% of the relationship was bad not good. This takes time to see this truth.

I am so sorry that you went through so much during & after this relationship. Really breaks my heart reading your words.

YOU will get your dignity back & your life will came back stronger. Reach out to your local domestic abuse center for free counseling & women group meetings they really do help to know you are not alone and it will give you guidance into your future.

Take care.

paulAU

Hi there, thanks very much, imagine that I don’t even want to use my real name because he is a stalker. We were together for 6 months only, I thought I had found a person for the rest of my life, all I got was physical, verbal and financial abuse, morbid jealousy, no trust, I was always guilty.

I didn’t get the right psychologist, because in one of the therapy sessions he said “I think you are naive”, he doesn’t specialize in sociopaths.

I will need to take antidepressants again, I was taking was cause insomnia and vivid dreams.

I feel horrible all the time.

His friends think it was all my fault, he used a lot of triangulation to validate what he was saying.

The only way is to have support groups or chats like this.

I am so sorry about your situation, DO NOT CONTACT your ex in any way, from my experience, you will get more damage to yourself. I cannot stress you enough this rule. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. I separated in December and he tried to suck me in again after I left him, but I didn’t want to talk and more verbal abuse followed, and a lot of manipulation that you cannot even imagine.

My life was destroyed and I am putting the pieces together.

I hope you heal and wish you the best, and remember, ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT.

angelina

Dearest Paul AU…

We were with the same person?

I cannot tell you how much I can relate. Two weeks ago,, right before his Scooby do mask came off…. I, for whatever reason changed the passwords to my facebook and gmail.
within minutes.. no joke…
my phone rang in my office and his voice said, “I see you changed your passwords. What are you hiding?”

I too was always guilty. Every second… I have never ever lied to or thought about being with anyone other than him.

I had him in my apt. for 8 months for FREE and he had broken his leg… I nursed him.. loved him..payed for everything… b/c he said.it was meant to be that his leg broke… so he would stop running from me. He would ask me constantly if I loved him… and reassured me on a reg basis that he was with me for the long haul… and he would pay me back for the rest of his life.
You know what Paul? We are grieving… but we are free.
WE are in the midst of raw trauma… I am even filing a restraining order tomorrow.
But doesn’t it feel good not to be worried every second that he thinks you are lying? He thinks you are cheating? He rapes your phone and emails and facebook?
If I did not text him back within mins.. he would type something back like… “Hmmmmmmmm.”

“Hmmmmmm”? Do you see how abusive that is?
always accusing me. yet I payed his way thru life when he had no one else.. not even his exwife or Mother.
But like yourself, I loved him. but we were in love with an illusion an that is one reason we are so freaked out right now. And withdrawing.

Notice my friend up above speaks of my guy doing PDA with various “loves of his life”… guess what folks? He never ever ever ever did that with me? Why? I am the most passionate of people, but not a girl to suck face at a bar. he knew that and never even tried. The friend above who had met him on the town four times. KNEW HIM MORE THAN I DID.

Hugs to you Paul. Feel the pain.. it is okay… but come here… b/c it is safe….

Yes… my guy bashed people, but he made it seem as if her were protecting me. In reality… he was isolating me… isolating me from possibly learning the truth about him.

Thank you …. God bless. No contact ever. And thank you to my friend above.

angelina

Hearing over.. final outcome… 3 month restraining order and if I want to extend it I can.
I am exhausted and collapsing on bed in my dress.
the evil I experienced in that court room…

I tried my best not to cry. but when Jerry said to the judge… “Everything she says in her ro is false. I am actually quite shocked by this your honor.”
when he lied to the judge and said that he had ended relationhip last month and he was wanting me to leave him alone…..OMG….
everything he said was a lie in court.

and of course.. the judge was skeptical of me… bc jerry is fire fighter and was denying it all. and… b/c he said.. so even after he hurt you… you let him come back? You invited him into your home?
that made me cry harder.. b/c yes I did… bc someone was taken advantage of my vulnerabilies and being in love the the character he had pretended to be and vowing love and forever.
he kitty corner from me… was the man who just over a week ago… said he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. Take care or me. Love me. I have it all in texts even. but cant show that in court.
he he was at a table and microphone next to me. well guess what folks..
as I testified… as I told the truth… I looked straight at him… b/c he knows the truth. HE NEVER LOOKED MY WAY OR IN MY EYES ONCE.

we had gone into a trial by Jerry’s asking. I think he thought he had more of a chance at winning d/t his falsifications.

the judge asked if I feared him coming back. I replied and strong and confident and in the mic, “Definately.”

The judge asked why? I told him Jerry has left me… imagined things… and told me.. even in front of officers… to never contact him again. within a week each give… five time… he has come back… crying… once intoxicated even smashing his car on way to my place.

the judge asked.. do you have any other reasons to fear the responded would harm you… I said yes sir. He stopped taking his antipsych med. risperdal three weeks ago. I begged him to go back on… even going with him to cvs to have it filled.

he asked Jerry if he was on his meds. JERRY LIED… YES.
he asked if I took him to cvs and dropped off rx… he lied… I do not remember that sir.
hmmmmmm… I am sure cvs had cameras folks. stupid lie.

so I pull out… the print out for his latest risperdole.. from three weeks ago… that we dropped off and he never started taking. I also had the bottle!
so.. again… bold face lie. I had the meds he said he was on.

I do not know why the judge only gave me 90 day ro. I really do not. but… it is something.

jerry tried to say there had been an ro on me… it was a woman with denentia and thrown out of court. I brought all the info with me… the dismissal, the sealing… the judges ruling.
the judge told Jerry… that doesnt mean anything here today.

the judge granted the ro.. told him and I of course… we cannot contact ceach other… thrid parties.. the 500 feet rule.
done.

then Jerry kept talking to make me look bad and the judge ignored him and moved on.

I cried like a baby and broke down in public. I think all of the pent up abuse… that he told me was not abuse when he was doing it.. but that there was something wrong with me or my actions…
the bullying… the lying…
it all came out at once.
an officer walked me to my car…. I was sobbing uncontrollably for some reason. all the pain just came rushing out. the evil I saw..
a man next to me… who made me dinner not 2 weeks ago and talking marriage and holding me all night, tightly in his strong fireman’s arms where I felt protected an loved…

denying it all and discarding me… someone he wanted nothing to do with.

I took him in when he was literally homeless, and broke his leg. I gave and sacrificed and exhausted myself in the name of the love and commitment and the future he was promising me every day. He said he had left me. OMG. I kicked him out. You guys were there as he was getting in his car and I typed thru tears on lovefraud.

im exhausted.

Remembertoforget

Kitty,
Congratulations,

You got that over with.

Now you can start the healing process.

Continue to read and post as much as you need to.

It has helped all of us. Nc does allow us to process everything.

Rest when you’re tired and eat when you’re hungry. Back to basics.

One minute at a time…

smallsteps

Kitty you did great today. I’ve been thinking about you.
Hopefully you’ve managed to get out of your dress and into your pjs or at least something more comfortable you can curl up in.
Try and get through today. If you need to talk some more we’re all here.
x

amille2

Congrats Kittylover….focus on you ….how strong you are. And you are certainly smarter than I am. You found out the truth in 8 months…..it took me 5 years to figure out what I was dealing with.

I wish you nothing but the best….and I hope he leaves you alone.

Stargazer

Kittylover, I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m glad to see how much stronger you are and that you finally got the monster out of your life. I’m so sorry for all you have been through. But now you can finally grieve and move on with your life. It takes some time but it doesn’t take forever. Just from what you’ve shared, I see great things ahead for you. Feeling sad, lonely, and grief stricken after a sociopath is very normal. You finally get to feel all the things you were unable to feel because you were on a rollercoaster. You can still temper that with fun and joy as you go through the process. The games sociopaths play are not normal. As long as you are tied up with one, you cannot ever be at peace and you can never be yourself.

Yes, those of us who are a little extra sensitive and compassionate reel in all kinds of admirers. Some are good. Some not so good. The vampires want to suck our spirit out of us because they are jealous that we have it and they don’t. You may still reel a bad one in from time to time. Next time, just throw them back.

There is life after a sociopath and you can learn to trust again by learning to trust and honor your own feelings. Keep going – you’re doing so well. (((hugs)))

Thistooshallpass

Kitty,

I’ve been thinking about you ALL day and pushing good energy your way. I’m happy you got at least 3 months. That’s better than nothing! Too many people are denied RO’s in cases like these.

I bet you’re exhausted! It’s so emotional to have to face your tormenter. Many moons ago I got a RO against a man who date raped me. Facing him and talking to him in court exhausted me emotionally more than I could’ve imagined. I can’t even imagine facing my spath in court!!! They all lie in court. The judges are used to that. Even the man I got a RO against lied and put up his best defense and even acted proper.

Naturally you sobbed. It’s too much at once. You were strong and stood your ground. I know I can speak for all of us on here that we are so proud!!!

Hopefully he’ll stay away. I’m hoping you stand more of a chance of him doing so considering his profession. Regardless, you must stay aware of your surroundings and safety at all times. You’ve done good starting the paper trail but expect the unexpected. If you start noticing anything suspicious, document everything that happens even if you have no proof it’s him. It’s not my intention to add on more stress, I just want to make sure you are safe.

I hope you’re getting some rest and taking care of yourself. You are a warrior and put up a good fight! Keep fighting!! You’ve got this. Thanks for being an inspiration to us all. And congrats on taking care of yourself!!! Xoxoxoxo

AnnettePK

You won. He made a fool of himself in court bringing up irrelevant facts, and continuing to talk when the judge had ruled and it was over. You were prepared for his accusations and had the right paperwork for proof with you.

He lied in court because he lies all the time to everybody.

I don’t know why the judge granted only 90 days. An attorney familiar with the local courts and judges could probably make an educated guess. It might be helpful to call the legal aid attorney you had the phone consultation with before this hearing, and get his advice about extending the RO beyond the 90 days. I think you can get an indefinite RO and I imagine that would be best.

Prayers answered. More prayers for your healing.

slimone

Kittylover,

Way to go girl! You did it. That part is done for now. I never needed an RO (thankfully). But I understand the uncontrollable crying. Go easy on yourself, it is quite difficult to hold it together this early in the process. You really did well. I hope your body gives you a bit of rest.

xoxo,
Slim

flicka

Congrats kitty, one hurdle is finally over ,…but don’t let your guard down. i.e. if Jerry wants to get back at you, no restraining order will keep him away from harming you; only hope that he moves on to his next victim. And that there’ll be a next victim you can be 100% sure of!One thing I don’t understand is if you both said you wanted restraining order on each other, why didn’t judge give more time to prolonging it? (Sounds almost like judge wanted you both back in court again in 3 months! More money in his pocket!)
1 down, 55,000 to go but stay strong and no regrets…judge won’t stand for that. Tears already reveal caring ties! Congrats girl…you’re on your way to freedom and happiness

bluelight

Kitty,

Like everyone else I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Hugs. You did so good. The important thing is you stood up for yourself. You took your power back and you got it. I am not surprised to hear that he lied. I know when I would question mine he would deny deny deny and blame whoever. If that didn’t work he would gaslight and blow up and wait to see if I would jump. If I didn’t he would mutter something leave and if I did he would stay. In front of a judge I’m not surprised by the reaction you got. I hope you are doing ok today and not being hard on yourself. You did what you had to do. I’m sorry to hear about the crying but again that too isn’t surprising. Is stressful, it’s excruciating and very very scary. I’m sorry this monster couldn’t be honest. I hope you are taking the day to take care of you and your heart.

I’ve caught up on all the posting. For those of you sharing your experiences thank you. It hurts my heart to hear what these monsters do. It really does. The one thing I noticed about was a response technique. The no response. I had a lot of that. I mean a lot. Unless I confronted him face to face that’s what I would get. I could ask twenty questions be confused and I would get silence.. If it was on the phone I would naturally ask if he was still there or if he heard me and he would just pretend like I didn’t say anything. Over and over. It was excruciating at times. It made me feel like me being confused didn’t matter. Then he’d make an excuse he was busy and would promptly hang up. Seeing I’m not the only one who’s experienced that it makes me wonder. Back then I honestly just thought he was being mean and confusing. Now I see it as an avoidant technique. They don’t want to answer because if they do they have to agree something is wrong. So best is to punish you for asking and avoid. Tricky. To that I started writing a list of all the mean behaviors he did and trying to figure out what was behind them all. Thank you for opening my eyes. I blamed me. Right now I see I wasn’t to blame. Thank you for the informative posts with links and books. It is all helping to understand. My answering machine filled up today. I’m not strong enough to listen or delete it. I’m working on trying to ignore for today. Which is a step. I used to be the person who wouldn’t ignore anyone. Especially those i cares bout. But I agree we need to listen to our gut. ( I’ve not been in touch with her for years. Litterslly she had been silent. I’ve just been to stressed out to feel anything so I’m trying to get more grounded).
After that I do plan to look up this name. I’m scared to but I think I owe it to myself in case I can find out some honesty. Even if there’s a chance. I’m not ready today. Today I am still exhausted emotionally and physically.

I got the women who loves sociopath in the mail today and I think I’ll start reading that. My heart goes to all of you tonight. Please have a good night.

AnnettePK

Blue,

The stonewalling you describe is a common abuser’s tactic. They use it, successfully much of the time, to shut down any objection to the crappy way they are treating another. It’s a way to train their victims not to bring up any issues that require change in their behavior. They don’t want to change. They already know that they are abusing and harming; they just don’t care. It’s the exact opposite of a normal relationship.

angelina

Bluelight.. I just got your supportive post in my email and I want to thank you.

I feel better alresdy.

I’m not being monitored. Accused.

That cold treatment is called Stonewalling. It is a form of emotional abuse. .mine did it regularly. .. and I even printed him an article in it 2 months ago. Highlighted parts. Told him he was choosing to abuse me and it would kill our relationship.
He didn’t change. Made excuses for his behaviour. .. imagine that… love and healing to my lf family. Thank you Donna.

angelina

Okay Ladies and Gents….

Why am I in soooo much pain all of a sudden?

I am still in shock… I go in and out of being okay.

But Im sitting here working…putting music together for a gig… and remembering him driving me to all my gigs… and the fun we had.. and how talented he said I was… and that he did not know how he found me and could not wait to spend the rest of his life with me..
and here I am… in the same apartment.. he “lived” in with me for almost a year… and GONE.

my mind plays tricks on me.

I just was working and had the thought, “Maybe if I hadn’t done this or hadn’t had been so anxious over my new job… or had such SEVERE PMS, or was anxious all the time … esp at the end…. b/c I had NO WAY OF KNOWING IF THIS DUDE WAS FOR REAL… except for his words.
and something didn’t seem right about that…

something did not seem right that every time he abandoned me… he would immediately call ex’s… who hadn’t figured him out… b/c he just dropped them…
he’d call them.. he’d meet with them. he even lied to me on my couch about meeting with one when I asked him if he had twice.. looking him in the eye.. as he cried about how much he loved me and had made a mistake leaving me over a text message and that he was willing to go to counseling and see a shrink for meds.

but… I was in his childrens’ lives.. not that he cares about them much.
he was staying with me…
he is gorgeous and tons of naïve women want him…

the sex was out of this world and I will never have sex like that again….

he held me close in public…affectionate…

told my parents they would never have to worry about me again.

I FEEL SICK.

angelina

My mind says… Oh.. did I start to bore him?

Hello.. you could not be more exciting than myself…
and we couldn’t do all that much.. cuz first he had broken leg..
then he said he had no money.
we were waiting for him to get that second job…. he is onloy at fire dept. 2 times a week.

should I have been sexier? gone out more? go to the fetish parties he suggested that I declined?

He said he did not want sex with anyone else… and our sex rocked.

someone reach out. I am sinking and I do not know why…

but one night prior to my catching him by pocket dial… I was his dream girl… and he had already been… so he says.. contacting this girl for 10-14 days.
funny… on the pocket dial.. he says to her, “I have never felt such a bond… such an emotional connection with any woman in my life as I do with you.”

Help.

amille2

I’m here Kitty….funny I just posted a bit ago under the “3 Ways…..” Letter that Donna posted today about the conflict I’m feeling….pain goes without saying.

We know these men are bad. That they don’t love us. But how can that be? They told us otherwise…. They held us close….whispered terms of endearments…. Said they would always take care of us…..

Poof they are gone.

Worse… They never existed….

We will get through this with the help of everyone here….we have to….we don’t really want them back….we want the warmth of what we thought we had.

amille2

Sorry…article was posted yesterday….”..”3 Easy Steps” Wish I read that 5 years ago…..

angelina

I would not want to spend five seconds with this fabrication of a human being.

I sooooo wish I could go back… last May…. and run!

I grieve my own time. I wasted it being used and abused and conned… when I could have been working harder on my music… and meeting a really good guy.

bluelight

Kitty,

I know what you mean. I can’t stop replaying the last conversation I had with him before surgery. How he loved me and I had nothing to worry about. That he would never leave and he always regretted how he treated me and me fighting cancer opened his eyes to what was important. I keep doing the same thing. What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest so direct asking when not understanding. Maybe if I bought more lingerie had more money to buy him a better car, maybe if I wasn’t sick he wouldn’t be freaked out. Maybe this maybe that. I think it’s glorifying the good. I know he blamed me so I have a recorded hymn of his explanations everytime I doubt myself. Honestly I don’t think there’s a logical explanation because they are ill. They are not logical and we are still humanizing then because we have hearts and want to make everything ok. I don’t think we can make this ok. I think it was a matter of time. I think te length depends on how much we love them and how good of a liar they are. I remember his phone picking up and me hearing a girls voice. She was insulting the cd they were listening to. It was my cd. I rewmber hearing about s minute of conversation and he answered her agreeing and laughing. I then went “hello? His name are you there?” And it hung up. I called right back. It just rung. I called back again. No answer. The next time I spoke to him I was still shaken. Really shaken because I had never heard him speak to someone with that tenderness in his voice but to me. It bothered me. Also he never told me he would give lifts to other girls. He never even told me had other girl friends. Why did it hang up and why didn’t he call back and why was he making fun of my cd? When I spoke to him next I can’t remember if it was that night r not. It still breaks my heart to think about it. He told me it was his friend from works girlfriend and a name. Then made me change the subject. I learned now his friend from work had been dating the same girl for over seven years. Why would he speak to his friends girl with such love and tenderness in his voice? Was I meant to hear that? Or not. I still never got a real answer. Or the cd. He still has that and much more that the hospital left to him ( like my glasses and ️cell phone, etc)

My brain is doing the same. I’m blaming myself. I know it’s hard. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s. They are actors. They aren’t even thinking of us anymore. ( I think that’s what kills me the most.) so far drinking tea and reading women who love sociopaths is helping.

Hang in there hon. Thinking of you.

angelina

Does anyone else here understand how temporary some of our feelings are.. meaning…
I was fine today…

but hey….

I am at home…
I see his damned ashes still on my porch table… gross.

it is part of grieving… isn’t it?
I do not miss the real jerry. heck no…

the real Jerry is something so dark and so evil that …..
oh I don’t kmow.

but it is normal for me to feel this way.

My best friend reminded me today as well… that every time I have broken up with someone… I have said.. “Oh…it was the best sex ever.”
I am glad she reminded me of that….

otherwise, I am doing great and moving forward. just hills and valleys for awhile.

this to shall pass.

AnnettePK

When one is experiencing cognitive dissonance because things don’t “add up” due to being lied to, manipulated, and betrayed; the mind runs overtime trying to figure it out, trying to reconcile what is really irreconcilable. It’s normal for one’s thinking to be cyclical and for one’s feelings to run through different emotions. It’s part of the process of moving from the reality of lies we believed to the reality of truth we discovered when the mask slipped.

With some time and working through it, your thinking will probably settle into the horrible truth about him and what happened and not experience doubt and disbelief. It’s worth keeping in mind that in normal relationships with good people, there is peace of mind and none of the torturous cognitive dissonance and ups and downs of emotion. A good relationship is secure and enhances the well being of both persons, who support one another in growing spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, etc. and in the other parts of one’s life and other relationships.

Remembertoforget

Anette,
Thank you for those words!

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

kittylover
I haven’t been able to keep up on LF contacts but I know about your betrayal and am glad (sorry for it) but still glad you seem to be getting back to your irreplaceable value to humanity.

BUT… there’s more! (haha. Do I sound like a late night commercial?!!)

I want to pass along a good piece of advice for you that really helped me. That is, if you don’t have a good therapist, please find one. I have a gem. She has been SO amazing to help me get grounded. We on LF are not therapists. Therefore we are limited in our ability to help you. LF is wonderful. It’s just not enough. I say this because you are asking for help, or rescue, when we aren’t trained to do that. Help. A good, very special, therapist (not ordinary) can do just that.

angelina

Dearest Notwhathesaidof me (boy, can I relate to that username. )….

thank you sooo much for your honest advice and voice of concern.

Yes… I will be seeing a female psychologist who works with survivors of people with personality disorders as well as emotional abuse.
I had brought my gu to see her with me in September/// b.c he kept saying I was a pathological liar, not to be trusted and was in my phone and emails and facebook messages early early on. He would tell me to take photos of myself to PROVE where I was… like Starbucks… or my office.. or the doctor’s office. His excuse was that his last girlfriend abused him… cheated on him and he found out she was a prostitute. Well… none of those things were true about her. I was putting up with his behavior b/c I thought he had like PTSD from this horrible “narcissist” he told me and his other acquaintances about.
The Doctor said to him… “Why are you reading her emails and going into her phone? My husband of 40 years would never do that…”
He blamed me. I had lied to him before (not) and he loved me so much that he wanted to be sure he was safe with me and that I could be truthful.
he abandoned me…you know… his days or week long disappearances leaving me writhing in pain… weeks later..thinking it was something I did… b/c he said it was.

In this case..it was b/c… while he was at the Fire Dept. on a 24 hour shift…. I, as I have been doing since `1998… drove over to Starbucks at 6:30 am… to get myself a coffee and scone and enjoy my morning before work.
he said he did not believe me. that I was probably coming home from somewhere at 6:30 am. being with a guy.
I should have left then!!!! I have never ever lived the type of lifestyle or done the things he would accuse me of…
I am honest and genuine and monogamous. Unfortunately… I had low self esteem… or HAD… and had just moved to south florida from Chicago fro God’s sakes alone and did not know one person. Literally.
He was a Physical therapist at my nursing home… and bragged about being a fireman… so he must be a good guy right. I watched him with my seniors… recovering from broken hips, etc. he was wonderful with them as was I. we would joke with them… and love on them and encourage them.
His may have been an act… b/c he saw how I was with this beautiful seniors that I adore and admire and to whom I have dedicated my life and career.

I just found the following in an article… and I cannot relate to it enough. So when people ask me… why the hell did you stay with him… we could see what he was (Well. he was not putting on a show, manipulating, pursuing, love bombing and misrepresenting himself to them. he only does that to a target… so she lets her guard down and he dives in like a HAWK.)

here is the quote….

I can’t reiterate enough how slowly emotional abuse can creep into your life—the first stage of complete adoration, gaslighting, and love-bombing from the abuser happens very quickly, but everything else is oftentimes so subvert you can only recognize just how bad it was once you’ve left.

Many people stay in abusive relationships far longer than they would like because they keep remembering the good times and subdue the bad. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t doing the same when it was first over.

Thank you all for being there… once again I woke up this am.. not sad.. not longing…. but GRATEFUL THE MONSTER IS NO LONGER LIVING OFF OF ME as a parasite… all the while emotionally abusing me and stabbing me behind the back…and telling everyone what a victim he was!

so glad he is gone. soooo proud of myself for this RO. I almost want to frame it.

But… can someone explain… why… suddenly during the day… when I hear a song..
or when I was preparing for a gig last night….in my apartment where he never left me alone for almost a year… but now it is quiet… and my “best friend and cheerleader” — yes… he did those things for me. Even accompanied me to my former modeling agency to get jobs.

why is this a rollercoaster…

I would not want him back if my life depended on it. and it does.

I would not want even sex with that disgusting wolf in sheep’s clothing.

so why do I go into pits and valleys during my day.. missing my best friend who would text me all day long howmuch he loves me..brng me lunch to work..

it is a mind blow… but personally… if I were not grieving… even tho he was not real….
I would be a sociopath myself.
I have a conscience. I have emotions. I bond greatly too people. so tear them away from me…even tho he did not exist… but pain will ensue.

thanks…..

50’s day at work today.
time to put on my bobby sox.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

kittylover
Your words remind me so much of me, although you are far more in touch with your humanity that I was when I was discarded.

I found a jewel of a therapist and just ONE of the valuable things she helped me to recover was my sense of self, that I NOT what HE said of me, but that my tenderness was actually a valuable asset to others, NOT a mark of weakness but that my natural nurturing made me a very good mother and friend and supporter and understanding, and helped other survive.

Which is… how I think of you. YOU provide a service to people nearing the end of their lives. You are nurturing to their souls, you help their emotional selves survive. A Person who nurtures people SOULS has got to be one of the most valued members of humanity.

My therapist helped me to reclaim my identity that he had attacked, diminished, and tried to erase. By identifying HIS characteristics versus mine, I separated emotionally from him. I had been caught and bound to him by MY interpretation of HIS connection to me, NOT by the reality of his DIS Connection to me. It’s like those people who get caught in an eddy in the river and drown 6 inches from the shore… but those 6 inches separation was the difference between life and death. I used to say, IF ONLY, because it seemed we were SO close to happiness but for, if only, my ex has this tiny separation of his humanity that made it okay for him to be cruel. Yet that TINY difference (a conscience) meant EVERYTHING…no relationship was EVER possible.

Believe me, you will realize that what you really grieve is that he is missing his humanity, a humanity that you (we all did) projected onto him because YOU have a Conscience and since you have one, it’s hard to imagine a person without one, hard to imagine that doing things that have such meaning for us… had NO meaning for disconnected sociopathic beings such as them.

flicka

So true; well said and hopefully helpful to all victims.

angelina

Not what he said of me.mmmm

I am deeply touched by your post to me. I do not even know what to say.
Thank you so much.

Remembertoforget

Kitty, Amille, Bluelight,

I’m so sorry you guys are going through this pain right now.

It is hard, it hurts, it’s shocking, and surreal.

Keep reading, keep posting…

We are all here for you and we understand.

These people, their words, they speak so much crap and do the complete opposite.

We didn’t know.

I pray for your healing tonight and each night…

slimone

Kittylover,

I need to make this kinda short, since I am at work. The answer to your question about your emotions being all over the place is…..

You have been brainwashed. Look into this term. Cult leaders do the same to new members: They get to know the person’s weaknesses, then behave as if they can heal all those weaknesses and longings. Then they start conditioning the person to behave in ways that the cult leader wants them to via manipulations, criticisms (ie. rewards and punishments). The cult cuts the person off from any outside support systems they may have had (family, friends, co-workers, therapists). If the person questions the rules of the cult they are temporarily shunned (silent treatment, or physically isolated). This causes great pain, anxiety, and guilt. All these things convince (brainwash) the person that it is THEIR FAULT, if anything isn’t going exactly as the cult leader ‘promised’.

Once someone gets out of a cult they have a lot of cognitive dissonance, guilt, shame, and remorse. This comes from believing that they are the failure, and not the cult. Leaving the cult does not AUTOMATICALLY reverse the ‘conditioning’, or brainwashing that took place. Many people who leave cults take years to heal, and to quit ‘longing’ for the promise of paradise.

It is the same with a psychopath that is a Lovefraudster. You and he were a cult of two (although EVERYONE is part of his cult). You were brainwashed to take all the blame, to believe that he (and he alone) could produce the euphoria and love and passion you shared. And, now that it’s over you are left ‘holding the bag’ (of shame, of guilt and responsibility).

The way I reversed this brainwashing was to READ everything I could get my hands on about personality disorders, and to have a full realization that HIS manipulations and deceptions CAUSED my confusion, and that it was a LIE. I wasn’t stupid, lazy, deceitful, ugly, or mean-spirited. I WAS susceptible to his brand of brainwashing. My mind and my hormones and neurotransmitters responded just ‘as they should’ to the touching, the proclamations of love and togetherness, the withdrawl and silent treatment, the subtle criticisms, the rages followed by tenderness and fun, etc….He knew how to take control of ‘me’, and stay in control.

Once he left I felt like I was holding onto an innertube in the middle of the ocean. It took quite a bit of time to resolve my feelings of guilt and longing, and TAKE BACK control over my own life.

It sounds weird, but there were even simple things that helped: I balanced my check book, cleaned my house really well, bought house plants and forced myself to tend to them, got a kitty (and kept him alive), made myself grocery shop…basically pushed my self to get and keep a grip on the details of my own life.

This was HARD. Some days I could not do it. Some weeks I did it really poorly. Lots of groceries got thrown out. The kitty was a lifeline, and he is still alive!

I stayed in therapy, hung out ONLY with my most trusted friends, visited lovefraud every day, went on lots of slow walks, and wrote in a journal. I started back to yoga. I got a new job. I did not date for about 2 years. I dumped people who did not understand.

Hang in there….it is like a VERY long marathon, this healing. One foot in front of the other. Take the pain and the bits of happiness as they come. You are feeling exactly like you should. There is nothing wrong with you.

xo, Slim

angelina

Slim… thank you so very much. On my lunch break and a refreshing thing to read from you.

I agree that I am feeling exactly the way I should be.

warmly,

kitty

AnnettePK

Thank you for this excellent analysis and description of getting emotionally and physically free. I’m a couple of years out, and still learning about it.

flicka

2 things come to mind…1.out sociopath has become a habit to you and habits are very hard to break. Whenever you have those break-down moments, try to fill them with momentary pleasures instead…listen to some good music unrelated to him, take a brisk walk to remind you of universal springtime joys (new buds, birds chirping etc.), write down your thoughts for future reference etc.
2nd. I’ve found that the things a sociopath accuses their victim of, is exactly what he himself is doing to you (role reversal.) He thereby projects his words and actions onto you and that is why they seem so outlandish and incomprehensible.

angelina

thank you.

angelina

this article very insightful and helpful and even comforting to me. I am sure it is not anything you have not heard already. but I love the Peter Pan comparison and I would never want to play Wendy again.
Love you all..

http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_did-the-narcissist-ever-really-love-me.php

smallsteps

Thanks Kitty. This has been a helpful read. Today has not been a good day so far. Tried sleeping with only herbal sleeping tablets & hypnotherapy last night, but gave up around 2am. Had a few hours of sleep at some point and woke up from dreams about him, exhausted and tearful. Thats been my state for most of the day, crying, heart thudding in my chest with anxiety and chain smoking like an idiot. (I was a non-smoker for 3 years before this!).

amille2

Kitty….this was very enlightening. For the first time, I can somewhat understand what he felt…. And it makes perfect sense. As long as I did what he wanted…..loved on his terms…we were happy.

Despite promises of loving me always…. Never leaving….the minute I questioned.,. “what? You are living with someone else?”,…well, we know the ending.

I still am in awe that he continued to deny that…..but I guess even in a twisted way it makes sense…..if he continued to pull the rug over my eyes, I would continue to let him use me.

Thanks for the info

smallsteps

I thought the same Amille2, as long as the relationship was on his terms and I knew nothing of what was going on…

Ug.

thanks again. x

amille2

I had another memory surface today. He asked me at the beginning of our relationship what I wanted from him.

I remember at the time thinking that was an odd question to ask me.

I don’t remember my exact answer. It could not have been much tho. I am not/was not interested in marriage (I’m divorced), no kids (have 2 already)….companionship, affection, friendship…. Love?

He gave me all that….huh.

Of course, fidelity would have been nice. I know we discussed. He told me his ex wife always commented on how loyal he was. How oblivious he was to other women noticing him…..yeah, I fell for that ….sigh.

Anyway, I guess now I get the twisted mind set…..he feels he asked me what I wanted….he gave it to me…. Was kind, generous…what’s wrong with her? Why doesn’t she appreciate me?

I can see now why his anger when I questioned the discovery of the obit listing him as her husband……how could I not believe him? Look how wonderful he was to me. Has he ever hurt me before?He was the perfect boyfriend.

Except he wasn’t.

flicka

What we victims must come to accept is that psychotics ONLY want you as long as long as you serve his purpose; after he tires of that or it disappears, he has absolutely no compunction of discarding you like a piece of trash.

Jan7

Amille2, when I first started dating my ex h he said “You are the most stable person I know”…I thought wow that is a wired comment aren’t most people “stable”?

Well now I know that it was not just me having a stable job, friends, life but also a stable mindset which he did not have and would have noticed when someone else did.

What they say that makes you “double think” (google) are little clues into their crazy thought process.

I am sorry that what you thought was true was all a lie. So sad how many people suffer from these manipulative & cunning evil people.

Glad you went to the doctors yesterday, not a easy day…I remember doing the same & sitting in the waiting room just in so much shock & embarrassment that I end up in that position all because of my lying serial cheating h selfish acts. The outcome was good & my mind is at easy over my health now. Same will happen for you.

Jan7

I just wanted to add that I know now that my ex targets well rounded people who are successful in all areas of their life then breaks them down slowly over time with joy…from his past gf, college friends, mistress & me his exwife. He gets a kick destroying people so that they literally crawl away from him. He is very covert in his manipulation. Sick sick mindset of an evil man.

Your ex statement is behavior of a “covert narcissist” (sociopath) google

amille2

Interesting on the covert narcissist. Makes sense. I have come to realize how many times he tried Triangulation on me.

That technique didn’t work on me since I am not the jealous type. I also never believed that his ex wife wanted him back. I just thought he was insecure and trying to make himself look better.

He did create one scenario that upset me. Now of course I realize the whole thing was a lie. Scary.

So now that I confronted him with his lie/s. He knows I know the truth…..why does he keep emailing that he misses me? I’m in the process of deleting the email address….hard because I have many accounts linked to it….but I’m not responding to him. I also am wondering if he thinks he is getting to me, would that keep him away? In other words, if he can’t reach me by email….will he show up at my door? But I digress…..

If he knows I am on to him…why hasn’t he discarded me?

Jan7 and others who have survived this hell on earth….how long before they left you alone? Does no contact really work? Please know that thanks to you all….everything I have read…I have no desire to respond…I no longer see him the same….I am afraid of him….I want nothing to do with him.

AnnettePK

No contact works for the survivor’s recovery. It’s impossible to recover when the victim is reinjured by interactions with the ex spath. Survivors recover the fastest and most completely when they can minimize the time and energy spent on thoughts of the spath, once the work of understanding what the spath is about and grieving is over.

Spaths tend to come back from time to time to see what they can get – anything from financial, admiration, or the power and control rush they get from hurting someone. They come back when the victim may be vulnerable.

The greyrock technique has worked to get rid of spaths who won’t stay away. The best way to keep them away is for the victim not to fall for whatever lure they use. Determining to remain no contact no matter what, even if he says he is dying of cancer, just won the lottery and wants to share it, realizes the error or his ways and has changed, whatever it is that he thinks will lure a particular victim.

amille2

Annette,

Thank you for clarifying….. Now I understand…. The No Contact is for ME to recover and heal….not as a means to prevent him from contacting me….sorry, I misunderstood the intent.

I keep reading that once spaths have no use for you….you are discarded and they move on. I guess I was hoping that once I discovered the truth….he would realize that I was done….considering I told him that.

However, I guess if I believed his lies for as long as I did….he probably thinks I might reconsider….that I am still enamored with him….

So much to learn and understand with these…shells…

AnnettePK

NC can work to keep the spath at bay, too, because the victim isn’t responding to his calls, texts, emails, etc. Not even looking at his FB or interacting with other people about him, can really help the survivor get him out of her head. I listened to a relaxation audio made for healing the aftermath of a harmful relationship every day for over a year, which helped me a lot.

It also helped me in my recovery to focus on me and other friends and family, not my ex Psychopath. To the extent I was able to get him out of my thoughts I recovered faster. They hypnotize and manipulate their victims to

flicka

In my experience, after learning the truth about the sociopath, most eventually do leave you alone. However, there are a few, I like to call them ‘hangers-ons’, who once or twice a year seem to never totally give up…why I have no idea except boredom or the challenge.

Jan7

amille2, He is trying to love bomb you back into his game. He loved bombed you into the relationship originally so he knows love bombing works…plus I am sure he has used the same game on his wife & others.

These guys use the same ploy that worked on you & others again & again & again. You have been conditioned by him to see the good in him because of this love bombing technique it’s a form of brain washing/mind control/training/reward & punishment technique….it’s exactly like a cult leader sucking someone in to a cult or a child molester grooming a child into their sick world.

Grooming = love bombing

The other thing these guys do is just keep at it relentlessly trying to hook you back into their sick twisted game with email after email after email after phone call after phone call etc, first they try to use love bomb “oh baby I’m sorry” & buy you flowers & gifts just like in the beginning of your relationship with them,

Then when that does not work they will use pity play “I’m sick”, “I need your help”, “I need your advise etc (like Annettepk stated they will even go to great lengths to say they have cancer when they don’t!!) to get you to call them & break the no contact rule….

when love bombing, pity play don’t work to suck you back in they will use guilt “you’re the only one that ever loved me”, “your’re the only one who understands me”, “my wife left me because of you” etc

when that does not work they will use “narcissist blame shifting” (google) “it’s your fault that I couldn’t tell you that I was married” etc they will come up with some really dozy’s of blame shifting.

then when all that does not work they will get angry and try intimidation you back into the relationship with threats “I will call your boss”, “im going to do such and such thing” etc.

They want to win at the game & the game is to suck you back in and break you down more. They will just keep at it knowing that the victim will just become warn out from their constant phone/tex/emails etc and go on a date with them or meet them “just to talk” or answer their text/email.

IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE ALL OF THEIR CONTACT…change your phone number, your email address, your social medial, etc…tell your friends & family to do the same because they will attempt to con them into the game and get them to talk to you.

Watch Donna Anderson’s video at the top on love bombing and all the other videos they are located under the red tab “videos”. They are all worth your time.

How long before they leave you alone? For me a 4 year nightmare of a divorce I accepted a offer then he would remove the offer and strung it out in court so that it would emotionally wear me down…this is what happens in divorce court they string it out for years & years. I changed my phone number and moved to a very secure building where he could not gain access. I cut him out of my life completely this is why he dragged the court procedures on to have power & control over me.

For you, they always come back maybe next week maybe in a year or 5 years etc…they go after their past targets because they know how to love bomb you back in. This is why the no contact rule is a must. Some victims move and get a po box so they are protected.

An example of them coming back is Joran Van de Sloot he murdered the young high school girl on the island, manipulated his way out of jail, then went to South America where he killed again, after he killed the second young woman he reached out to his high school ex girlfriend asking for money. His HS ex girl friend had not heard from him for years! This is what they do they are always preying on past victims for sex, money, place to live, so they are not lonely etc. This is why you have to protect yourself now by closing the door for good and bolting if for any future attempts to gain entrance into your life.

YES No contact works if you are willing to follow the rule.

You are doing great! I know the emotional side is very hard for you right now but the fact you are asking questions, reading & venting really does help in the healing process. You should be so proud of yourself, you are a very strong woman with a good head on her shoulders!!!

Jan7

Amille2, you wrote “I am afraid of him”

PLEASE reach out to your local domestic abuse center for help…they will give you guidence so that you know what your options are to keep you and your son safe.

Also look into investing in a home security alarm system…either a company one where they monitor your home or one from HOme Depot/Lowes or local hardware store that uses batteries & are very easy to install = around $15 doors per door individually or $100 for the whole home. Just do a search on their website for more info on these types of systems & cost. Think about changing your locks to even though you dont think he has a key.

Jan7

Amille2, I posted this before for you but wanted to reposted it for you to read because it really explains why/how/what to do with regards to the no contact rule. This is from the site narcissist free. com.

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

“Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

amille2

Jan7 as always… Thank you.

I fear him because I don’t know him after all this time; I fear him because I only saw the good. He never played the cruel games with me….remember I was the fun one. I don’t know how angry he really is at my leaving. I have no basis or grounds for RO …..

I fear him because if he shows up and plays the pity card…..it is my weakness. The love bombing does nothing. I have already figured out how to hide in my house if he knocks on the door.

Everyone here has taught me well. I understand No contact. I know the consequences if I don’t abide by it.

I won’t let myself do that. I won’t let all of everyone’s help here be in vain.

AnnettePK

amille2,

Jan has posted some excellent advice, especially the points about NC. Some good ideas there.

Your fear is valuable information to you. You are thinking clearly – he is harmful to you, he desires to exploit you, he does not care about your well being. These are traits and motivations that you are very right to fear him for.

Your fear is your motivation for you to take action to protect yourself – whatever is necessary based on what you think he might do whether physically harm you, emotionally harm you, or whatever he might do.

Remembertoforget

They really think they are, the perfect, the kind, the wonde

Remembertoforget

Jan,

The lovebombing post.

All of them.

So much pressure they wear you down, it’s true at one point I thought do I just lay down with open arms and sell my soul?

Relentless….

NC all the way!!!!!!

Jan7

Remembertoforget, they are relentless and do not take no for an answer including when they want to go out with you the first time or when you impose the no contact rule the last time.

They are so use to just pressing people over and over and over to get their way to wear the other person down. Like a kid having a temper tantrum in a toy store until the parents finally give in…they learned young to keep pushing their agenda & to push others boundaries to wear them out to get what they want only never mind how it impacts others.

This boundary pushing for first date or when you go no contact is a huge RED FLAG into their long term demanding terms of a relationship.

After I left my ex h, I started to play tennis again and a guy who played tennis in the new community that I moved to said that he would play tennis I made it very clear only tennis but this guy wanted to date me…he first would only email me (did not give him my number) to set a time for playing tennis but then very quickly he looked up my address and started to love bomb me with cards. He also insisted that after tennis that we go out to eat even though I would say no he would just keep pushing his way, at the restaurant he would push me to drink even though I did not want to drink (not much of a drinker) and when I wanted to pay my own way he would insist to pay.

It was never ending boundary breaking from him just like my ex. I finally sent him an email to state that he did not respect my boundaries and that I no longer would play tennis with him & for him to stop contacting me. He sent me an email back stating “Good for you” (Weird email like other woman had gone no contact with him). He still sent several emails until I closed the account.

For me know NO Means NO…not maybe or yes but NO!! And like it’s stated in the interview by Oprah & Gavin Debecker gift of fear author…when someone does not respect your boundaries you should ask yourself “Why is this person trying to control me?”

Remembertoforget

Phone went berzerk! Nevermind…

bluelight

So I got some energy back today. Today I disconnected my phone after I called the phone company and asked to change the number. Since he has my cell phone I can’t exactly use it anymore so when I have a new number at home I will have to call and cancel the cell service.
I also deleted the answering messages. I didn’t listen to them. It was hard. I cried. I don’t know why I did but I did. It hurts.
I also looked up the name his mother said was my best friend which I never heard of. My best friend doesn’t even live near me and lives in a different country across an ocean. So as anyone would be I was stunned. Thanks to the new digital day and age I got to see tons of photos and dates. And more names. Names of the people he would speak about regularly who cheated on whom and who was with who. It’s quite a fancy affair and lavish lifestyle these airport employees live up. I mean how can anyone compete with girls have clothed, they pay more for their outfits then I pay for rent and all still living with their parents. Needless to say thee were pictures of these girls in his car. On my porch and some in my apartment. I don’t have to put two and two. I’ve never met these girls and I don’t want to. They look like not the type to have intelligent conversation with and really the kind a very expensive business man would hire. But I should be nice and not judge. I’m still in a state of shock. There’s one in the car I helped finance dated on my birthday with her legs holding a mini cigar, in the background my things still in the car. His hand reaching out for her knee. Just as he would do to me. The thing that got me was I was in the hospital. He never called. Or visited that day. Completely ignored me. Another one that had her and her friends with the “#” and I could only assume was his account with details of himand calling him her boyfriend. Exactly of him. Going on a date. On the night I had a very risky procedure. A night the doctors couldn’t get a hold of him. I almost died that night. He after all fought long and hard to be my legal proxy. I feel like such an idiot. While none had his face. You could still tell it was him. He was being careful but you can still tell. You can’t mistake your belongings and you certainly cannot mistake your own place. I feel discusted and relieved and discusted again.

I’ve been reading the posts on here and they are informative and I realized I did loose myself to him. With dealing with c, I put my trust into him and those you love. You kind of have to. It’s hard enough. My friends also suggest for me tohi re a private investigator. Or to press charges. He still has my valuables the hospital sent (irreplaceables as well. He still even has my animals remains because they died while I was in the hospital and the friend brought it there.). I could have died because of his neglect. Some of the doctors tell me I should have died and it was a miracle I am stil here after him making them wait so long to do what was needed. I don’t know why he ditched his mother on Mother’s Day, I don’t know why she got to told it was my fault and after these findings I was so sick to my stomach I just deleted the messages. I am broken and depleted. I was my things back. Mostly the irreplaceables and my animals remains. Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a doctor. I also see from the article posted about Narcissitic love and the Peter Pan complex he is by no doubt that and much much more. it made me feel better ( thank you for posting). What’s hard right now is because of his pattern of silent treatments I still feel like he will come back and talk. We had a lot to talk about. The plan was to talk about everything. Or at least that too was said to con me. It’s very hard to come to terms with me being in the hospital him conning me to be my proxy all the while having another girlfriend. Or girlfriends. Why would you be that cruel? He could have killed me. Why did he call the doctors and pretend to be the boyfriend? I guess to feel special. I don’t know. Still trying to figure out everything. But in no doubt of my mind I was treated terribly. I see that now. Just trying to deal over here.

AnnettePK

Blue,

You were treated terribly and then some. He exploited you when you were very vulnerable dealing with health problems. He presented himself as someone who cares about you and who wants to enhance your well being. He is a liar, and he betrayed you. He presented you with a relationship that is supposed to be love based, he was happy to use your caring for him to exploit you, control you and abuse you. This kind of betrayal is the ultimate evil. He blamed you to his family for his choice to ignore his mother on Mother’s Day. My ex psychopath did this kind of stuff to me; it is the worst.

You have a lot to grieve for, it is a big loss to you.

You may find that when you get him out of your life and you begin to get over the shock and the horror of what he chose to do to you and how he treated you, that your health may improve. Being abused and exploited, lied to, and betrayed in this way can make a healthy person sick.

AnnettePK

And good for you for doing all the right things in dealing with getting him out of your life, and out of your mind. It’s not easy, but you are doing a great job of taking good care of yourself; and protecting yourself from him. You can keep all the good things you have to offer and all the good things you are, and share them in a relationship only with someone who appreciates and deserves you.

Jan7

Bluelight, you should be so proud of yourself for making these no contact changes in your life. HUGE hugs to you…not easy to get discard, find out the truth & then go no contact especially after your hospital stay.

You have incredible strength & courage!

I think when you are in their tornado still & you start to really see their mask slip & their double/triple lying world come out it’s a true shock to your body, mind & spirit.

Please take good care of yourself during this time. Your health is most important right now!

Please know that you could not do anything differently to get his respect and love from him. When you have doubt about this just look at the way he disrespects & lies to his own mother on mothers day! He is showing his true colors if he disrespects his own mom.

Just know also that all of these other women he is messing around with are victims too….he is lying, manipulating & deceiving them too. At one point they too will come to realize he is a bad person.

Dont believe all of the stories he told you about his co workers remember he is a pathological liar and will do anything to triangulate everyone against each other so that they do not trust the other person so that all parties end up not talking to compare their stories of his manipulation. He is masterful at this puppet master game. Google “sociopath triangulation” for more info on this mind game they play.

My ex was masterful at this too…telling me that his coworkers were cheaters, liars etc..guess what they were trying to get him fired! YEP, they too saw his manipulation, lying, cheating (with another co worker). He lied to me about all of them because he did not want me to find out what was really going on at his work place…he knew I would leave & he knew I was questioning his relationship with his co worker….his co workers I knew & wanted to call them and ask if he was cheating with a certain co worker but did not because my ex had my mind so messed up with all of his daily lies I did not know which way was up & which way was down.

EVERYTHING THIS GUY TOLD YOU WAS A LIE & MANIPULATION!! Everything!!

Dont have anger for these other women, just feel sorry for them because they helped you escape and now they are in his evil grips!

Hugs to you on this tough day 🙂 Glad you shared your story.

Remembertoforget

Jan,

Thank you,

This post helps me too.

I now have more insight to his past 2 both were long relationships- that they are submissive and messed up types, young too, and I know one of them.

I now realize that I am not the submissive type generally and am his age and way more mature and don’t take drugs or drink (rarely) and THAT is why I didn’t last with him.

I paid close attention, and I did submit to him in a way, and I kept engaging in us, him…

We even discussed that stuff, because the whole time I was actively trying to figure out what the hell was wrong!

I dk if that makes sense.

But again, I was far to wise for it all, and when the mask slipped, I slipped and gave him a few chances.

But, I now see clearly the type of girls do stay with him.

It’s ok, but I don’t want to down-grade again.

Remembertoforget

Please excuse the typos lol

🙂

angelina

I am balling in my office and not b/c of that stupid ex. He is becoming not even a thought….
I just got in trouble with my boss for the first time.
he is a wonderful man… and took 6 months to find the right person for this job.
but guess what?

in the past two weeks…. I have fallen seriously behind in documentation of residents’ admissions and care plans. then there was a computer glitch today that made it look like I had not done an assessment, but I had.

I need prayers and love now.

the boss knows about J… not entirely… but the gist of it…

If he had wanted to fire me… he would have today.

He is giving me a chance to catch up I guess.

but now I am scared.

think Ill be here late tonight.

AnnettePK

So sorry you have this to deal with in addition to everything else. I hope you had a chance to tell your boss about the computer glitch.

You could tell him you’re sorry you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, but that you’re getting yourself back together and just assure him you’re back to doing your usual great work.

You don’t need work troubles on top of the spath nightmare.

Hope you don’t have to work too late; and that you can get some rest and enjoy the weekend some.

Take care.

stronginthecity

Hi Kitty,
I replied to your post yesterday and its not showing up here. I was having computer issues yesterday.
Anyway I wanted to tell you that I had a meltdown at work a week or so ago and was sure I would be fired. I was not thank goodness because I am not in the space to look for a new job right now.
Just try not to talk about your situation at work. You might think your coworkers are understanding but work is work and you have to focus there.
You talked about how long it took to get this job and that you love it.
It you don’t talk about it at work, you wont think about it so much.
Give yourself some time.
This all happened so fast and so recently.
It going to take awhile.
Just keep venting here and educating yourself so that you don’t fall victim to a person like dummy Jerry ever again.
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity

angelina

and you know… a physical therapist told me today, “You have changed this place. You bring so much light and when people see you coming they think… Oh my gosh there is Megan!”

my Boss said that he needs to know that when I am here..
I am “here”.

Hmmmmm….

guess my ptsd shows.

I am seeing the psychologist tomorrow.
the same one that met my ex.
the same one who told me she would no longer see me in Oct. if I stayed with Jerry.
the same one J… said was a menopausal, jewish bitch who probably is jealous b/c she hasn’t had sex in ages and she knows nothing about him and how much he truly loves me.

and I listened to him…..
stupid stupid stupid.

but she was not being enamored and loved and texted constantly and treated well… and love bombed… and talks of future and time with his kids.. and great chemistry and his tears and how kind and charming he could be….

back to documenting.

amille2

Kitty…I have been completely distracted at work too. I forgot I had scheduled a call this afternoon and everyone was looking for me…..

We have much on our minds…..and I have been busy reading everything I can

Be gentle on yourself…..if you are, then I will try and not beat myself up too

Remembertoforget

Wow Jan7…

That was alot with the tennis guy!

You are so right, and my ex did throw crying tantrums literally like a baby!

It worked for a while until I saw it for crazy!

And early in the breakup, I tried a no contact when I didn’t know what it even was really, but he was like No contact, I get it…and I didn’t evrn know the term.

Yea, his ex did it.

He knows all too well what it is!

My co-worker said, it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it!

Jan7

Remembertoforget,

” it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it!”

SO TRUE…this made me laugh. Simple point!

At the time I met “tennis guy” (lol) I had just left my husband maybe a month earlier and was still learning about sociopath and still trying to screw my head back on straight after leaving my abusive sociopathic husband. So my mind was still not my own, still was being controlled my my ex through emails so I saw this guys behavior but was still in the fog of my ex. it all clicked one day and I just sent this guy an email and said to stop contact me. It was a very empowering moment for me, I was not rude in my email but very stern with my point. Good lesson learned right after leaving my ex.

Like you I imposed the no contact rule with my h (now ex) at the time because of the way his ranting emails made me feel emotionally & physically.

Their manipulation & behavior for that matter is of a 2 year old for sure. I use to think that he acted like a child = now I know his mindset was of a child.

Glad we all escape their grips and nightmarish worlds.

paulAU

Hi there, I have to say I am sorry for all of your stories, Kitty, be strong, I have read several of your stories and I feel bad for you but I feel better knowing we can heal together.

Mi situation is: Paul is not even my real name, I needed to use a different one online because the psychopath is a stalker.

I married a same sex person that I met in the US when I was on holidays, he is 12 years younger than me.

We dated for about 3 months and then we decided to get marry, this guy seemed the perfect fit for me, educated, “stable” job, with goals, etc, very charming and his friends love him.

We moved together in California and I saw a few red flags but I never knew the word “sociopath” until after I left him.

We got married. he had quit his job (he can’t hold a job for more than 2 or 3 months), and morbid jealousy followed. He thought I had had sex with a good friend of mine (who I talk often), but my friend is straight and has a wife. He made me put my phone on speaker so he could listen to the conversations. He asked me to leave my phone at home before going out for a walk in the beach. One night I called my friend while he was “sleeping” to get advice, so my ex wasn’t sleeping, but pretending to sleep and he slapped me on the face inside the bathroom saying I was lying and cheating.

Like this, several examples, you would be horrified to know.

During our marriage, I gave him more than $30,000 to invest in the share market using his investment account. After I left, all I got was $5,000 back. He traveled around Europe and kept sending me messages, he spent my money.

Because he had my passwords, after I left, he contacted my mother and nephew and told them I was gay, and contacted at least 4 of my friends and sent penis and ass pics that he had taken during our marriage when we were having sex.

Then, he called my workplace where I am now, and I had to tell HR that someone was stalking me.

Finally, he opened a blog online and posted many things that are true and lies, even posted pics of my family.

I tried to get a restraining order, but I couldn’t, I am outside the US and it can’t be done.

This was horrible and he doesn’t wanna go away. I have no desire to talk to him ever again.

I am in so much pain and I am looking for a job at the same time as well.

What to do? please help

Thank you

paulAU

You know, I have considered taking my life so many times, but my mother will die from pain, so I cannot do it. I am in so much pain that cannot be described.

I still love him and I cannot be with him, it would be crazy

what can I do?

My friends do not understand and do not want to listen to me anymore

angelina

Dearest Dearest Paul…
number one…
have we dated the same man?
and you and I are so much alike it is scary.

I just woke up… and as I am making coffee with my beloved kitty…. an in ny apartment that for almost a year.. was his home too… our home… (although he could pay rent..(I am such an idiot…. but he did break his leg)…

I was just standing in my kitchen… waiting for my Keurig to finish dispersing my coffee… and I had the thought…. that maybe it would be better if I died right now…. b/c this pain.. is worse than kidney stones… I have had them… worse than deaths I have experienced…. or meeting my birthparents as an adult… to find out.. he was a wealthy anesthesiologist from argentina…. and I was just the result of his 22 year American mistress… and he had even tried to abort me himself… with her on the kitchen table.

Okay… that is baaaaad shit.

but this is something different. and now my job.. that I love and need and will be homeless without…. has been effected?

My sister Paul… my loving little sister will not talk to me. she’s over it. I love her so much… but she cant take the Jerry stuff anymore b/c somehow.. like my best friend back home… he has thought he was creepy all along.

I have his photos still on my facebook! In an album… that I made in april before his mask came off. He is blocked. but my friends are al pissed at me.. b/c I wont take it down.

I AM NO READY. IN THOSE PHOTOS IS THE MAN I LOVED AND CARED FOR AND WAS ENGAGED TO AND WHO LIVED WITH ME AND I NURSED HIM THRU A BROKEN LEG….
I feel like I am still grieving the man I loved.
So…. when our grandmothers die… we should take all her photos down off of facebook?

I KNOW HE WAS NOT REAL NOW. I GOT THE POCKET DIAL of him with another woman……. right after hed texted me I LOVE YOU>… at Dr’s office
right after he had made me dinner for the first time the night before… teling me how much he loves and wants to care for me the rest of my life.

So Paul… we are kind of in the same boat.

I am going to a psychologist today. a female who had met him and how embarrassing for me to return to her 8 months later… when she told me I was being emotionally abused and he had a disordered mind.
I am supposed to sing at a gig tonite.. and I do ot want to. but to late to cancel.

my friends are done with it.

my sis wont talk to me.

the love of my life disappeared in literaly…. 20 seconds….

my dreams with him…. us getting a place together… big enough for his kids to come.. id play piano… we would cook…
I finaly had a little family..
b/c I have none.
No kids.
family al in another state.. and no one wants to hear my shit.

I MISS THE GUY THAT I HAD STARBUCKS’ with on Saturdays mornings and I am grieving which pisses my friends off b/c they just say…
OH MY GOD…. BE GLAD HE IS GONE.

I know he is conning he elderly mom for money and shelter again… and his grand dad… and other women.

I am soooo happy to have a restraining order… b/c he would have been back… he is off his risperdone……and is scary.

but… now I cant warn his poor mom who he ignored for 20 years.. tho she lives in the same town.

yes…. I think I would rather die right now… but
I CANNTOT DO THAT TO MY MOTHER .

it would kill her as she and my dad are very ill… with cancer and other things.

How do I prove to my boss… that I can get my head together and kick ass… not just in the performance part of my job… which residents and families are raving about…

but yes…

I can buckle down…
focus….
get my documentation done each day.

Please pray for me.
and Paul… I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

I love you all.

AnnettePK

Good Morning Kitty,

We love you, too.

It sounds like you are having a bad day. Prayers for you to feel better and more balanced soon.

Mornings were the worst for me. When you get to feeling better here’s a couple of things to consider.

The best way to prove to your boss that your work is good, is just to do your best every day. Are you sure your job is in jeopardy? Do you think it’s possible he felt like he needed to say something because you’ve been distracted from your job lately? Either way, the best thing you can do for the sake of your job is to take the best care of yourself you can, so you can do your best at work. That’s really all you can do; and what you do will prove your worth.

Sadly your sister may not ever understand about your spath experience, but you can still connect with her about other things. Consider not talking about it with people who don’t understand, and share with those who do because they have been through it. There are plenty of other things to talk to people about, when you feel like being social.

Don’t worry about warning people. It’s your responsibility to do what you can when you have opportunity, but when it’s not possible and not good for you and won’t help, it’s out of your hands. You can pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

With respect to FB, consider just telling people ‘thank you’for their advice, and not spend energy getting them to see your point of view. They are probably well meaning in giving you advice. Maybe make the pics private or only visible to people who aren’t complaining about them. Your counselor’s advice on the FB pics might be valuable to you. You can work towards taking them down when it’s the right time in your grieving process. There will be a time when you’ll want to take them down.

For now, keep taking good care of yourself, try to keep balanced as you work through your grief, and keep us posted.

You might try writing a gratitude list – the things you have in life that are good, despite the losses. No matter where a person is, it almost always helps one feel better.

angelina

Thank u Annette. Xoxo

flicka

Dear Kitty lover, Your analogy of your grandma to your jerry sounds like you still are psychologically entrapped by him and may not be ready to go completely NC with him. Your analogy is way off in confusing a grandmother’s normal love and caring instincts with those of a man who wishes you nothing but harm. He is EVIL and is out to slowly eliminate you. As a 77 yr old, disabled mom who wasted 40 years making excuses for her children’s evil acts and statements, I say please do not waste your precious life on someone who would simply laugh if you would die; he would just happily go on to finding another hapless victim! NC means just that…cutting all ties to the former perpetrator, verbal, visual, social media, everything. You have SO much else to motivate you…your wonderful job surrounded by people who love you and your special talents. Concentrate on that and you will quickly see your life improve.

angelina

Fica…
I have not contacted him in any way in 3 weeks and have a restraining order on hIm. I have nooo interest in ever contacting him in any sense of the wotd.
I can not contact the man that I have been with for a year, my fiance, my live in forever love, because he does not exist! I think you mis understood me

flicka

The fact that you can even compare a grandmother’s photo to your tormenter’s facebook photo, or still see him as your “forever love” (rather than killer) suggests you may not be quite over the “hump” yet…despite your r.o. etc. I admire all your attempts, but worry about your job, friends, relatives and talents being lost to him; exactly what he wants. I am fighting for your survival and don’t want you to spend another minute thinking about someone who wants you only be eliminated. I know only too well what I ask of you but urge you to concentrate on the wonderful potentials you have…job, friends and family and develop these instead.

AnnettePK

Flicka,

I think it’s realistic that 3 weeks is not long enough to get over the hump. Betrayal of a relationship that is supposed to be love-based leaves an intense grieving process. The only way to get past it is to go through it.
Everyone is different; I find that if I grieve a loss whole heartedly, I recover more completely than if I stuff my feelings.

I took years for me to even get to the point of NC.

amille2

Kitty,

There must be something in the air. Today is a particularly hard day for me too. Another feeling of one step forward; two steps back.

I read your email and all these highly logical things pop into my head. How to tell you that by deleting all of my ex’s emails, throwing away all cards and letters, stuffed animals, gifts, jewelry (maybe I’ll regret not pawning for the money later, but for now its not about the money), filtering my emails so that if he attempts again, it is automatically deleted, etc. really has helped. I have no reminders of him in my house. No social media to worry about. He didn’t engage in any of that since he was leading a double life.

The only thing I saved is the printout of the obituary with him listed as a husband of someone else.

I keep that because I cannot throw away things in my mind. This morning I remembered how not too long ago he had me laugh about something very silly……..but I had not laughed like that for so long. And I started to miss him…..to the point of aching.

I immediately read the obit. I do that because I need something tangible to remind myself of who he really is. My mind is still trying to trick me into thinking he is who he said he was. He used to refer to himself in third person somtimes….as in “I like being Helpful and generous (name)”

So while logically, I’m doing great……..continuing to read……..just received “Women who love Psychopaths” and “The Sociopath Next Door” in the mail………

Emotionally? not so much.

For some reason this is much more painful than my divorce. Maybe because of the betrayl…….the lying about EVERYTHING…..or the fact that it was the PeterPan relationship…..everything was perfect……but it wasn’t. We were going to have a house big enough for all our kids to visit when they were grown.

My friends do not understand either. I had dinner with some girlfriends last night. One told me that she thinks that he actually misses me. He could not have spent all that time with me and not miss me. How do I explain otherwise? The other friend wants to confront him. NO TO THAT. Less than 3 weeks ago, I would not understand any of this either………still have a hard time trying to understand how someone does not have conscious.

Please don’t wish to be dead. I have come to depend on your posts……along with several others who are at the same point that we are. We need to get through all of this together…..learn what we can…….encourage each other to come out this stronger than we were. There is so many strong women on this site that have opened their hearts to helping us…..

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Anon

The deception and everyone talking about you behind your back is just weak I think to make you appear the bad one. Strength in numbers against one person. He’s used my family and some of the things I have felt which are valid to me and had them talking when its none of their business. Typical from people that lack emotion and feelings. They’ve used information and changed and lied about things that weren’t even said. Using information and appearing the good guy by being involved with my family, illegally following my posts and contacting some I’ve written to, lying and passing information on and having me banned from other sites. It’s all to make them appear trusting. But they’re underhanded I have been made aware of this behaviour of this person and the tactics he uses to find out everything, ruin relationships that were fine. Spread what I say and pass on information to innocent people that don’t know this type of character. They will as I have spoken to my son about it today. He gets it and said this is what happens mum when you date someone like this. We both experienced the behaviour and we’re the only one’s that know.

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