Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “amille2.”
When my boyfriend……….or should I say the man I thought was my boyfriend………..walked out the door a couple of days ago, I told him I felt like I had been sucker punched. He replied, “No, you haven’t” and shut the door.
Just two days before that, I read his wife/girlfriend?’s grandmother’s obituary whereby he was listed as the husband/significant other.
The physical jolt that went through my body was immense ……….. followed by the sound of every lie I had been told for the past 5 years clicking open in front of me to see ……….. really see this time. Then they all came crashing down at my feet ………. taking my heart and part of my soul with them.
The absolute depth of the deception is too much to comprehend right now. Surreal really. We aren’t talking “I’m staying in tonight and you find out later he went out with his friends” kind of lies. I’m talking about the foundation …….. from the first encounter …… and every single day thereafter.
He suffered a head injury in the military. It meant that every day he woke up with a headache ……… that gradually became worse as the day went on. It affected his short-term memory ………….. but not long term. He had PTSD. He was in counseling because of his severe anxiety about having people in his house. He was a recovering meth addict from the meds given for his head pain ……. And while I knew acquaintances that confirmed the head injury ……. and I did see some anti anxiety meds prescribed by the VA. I will not even try and guess the real story.
All of this meant, of course that I could only see him during the day. As I worked from home, I would gleefully take a long lunch and make up the work later in the evenings or weekends. Besides, I could not see him during those times because he was either home resting from the migraine or busy with his daughter.
I was at his house one time …….. anything feminine was attributed to his daughter. Met his parents and brothers once in passing …… not one of his friends …. though he talked to them often about me, he said. He asked me not to mail anything to his house. It seems his last girlfriend tried to come between him and his son. To this day, his son is so traumatized by it, he doesn’t let his son know when he is seeing someone. After his son moved out, I still couldn’t mail anything because his anxiety of having people in the house was spilling over to even having mail delivered. We did take a couple of weekend trips …. but they were short and he was always in a hurry to return. Holidays were celebrated before or after the actual day. I didn’t really mind as I have two children, parents, cousins, etc. that I all wanted to nest with. I cherish this family time and I liked not having to worry about whether or not he was entertained or bored by family stories. It worked out rather well, didn’t it?
As I continue to pick through the rubble of lies in front of me, I’m dismayed as to how careless and stupid I was with my soul. How easily I dismissed all the odd stories; the fact that every ex girlfriend tried to control him and I should avoid them at all costs; the lies about things that didn’t need to be lies; the grandiose explanation when he ended up going to a friend’s wedding without me; the victimization he faced throughout his childhood and marriage; how we never went anyplace significant in the local area together; how I couldn’t even walk up to his front door for a quick kiss because he was too anxious to handle that; and his fascination with porn …. more than I probably can imagine.
Of course, I didn’t have the benefit of receiving all of this information at one time. It all accumulated slowly …….. like the proverbial frog in boiling water. Each new inconsistency was built upon the last and could be easily explained ……….. or at least I thought it could.
I knew all along that something wasn’t right. This was not even close to a normal relationship.
I stayed because he was handsome and charming. He showered me with gifts and proclamations of love. He sent flowers and wrote the most beautiful letters, cards and emails. He text me several times a day telling me how much he missed me. He endeared himself to my children. He fixed things at my parent’s house. He never once said anything unkind or asked for money. I was always beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and giving. We had a great sex life. Lots of sex.
I will say that the last 6 months my soul has been trying to wake me up. I was putting distance between us. Told him I had many conference calls or activities with the kids. I was starting to see glimpses through the mask. One of our last conversations he told me that he saw me as his future. My first thought was that I didn’t believe him; my second was that I didn’t feel the same.
Yet here I sit. Knowing that I traded part of my heart and part of my soul to feel love and security. Knowing that someday it was going to haunt me …… but never truly knowing why and to the extent. Devasted to realize I traded myself for nothing in return.
Discovering his double life is painful. Realizing I meant nothing to him. The cards, the gestures, the words ……… all empty. I had the strength to politely tell him that I was depleted. That he had to go. I didn’t cry, beg, get angry or ask him why. It would have been a waste of what little I have left of me now. I’m constantly anxious and afraid he will return to try and convince me that I’m wrong about him. He claims his ex girlfriend planted the obit because she is still stalking him after all this time. That he’d be happy to have me go to one of his therapy sessions with him. That he knows that he needs to work on himself …….. that his issues cause me to doubt him …… and if he changed, would I take him back?
I am so glad I found your website and book. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I’m trying not to replay every conversation in my head over and over again. I’m trying to understand that this man is no longer in my life. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the irony that his last words to me were actually the truth.
After 30 years with a sociopath, she’s now having the time of her life
Marisol – thank you so much for sharing. You have eloquently captured what so many Lovefraud readers feel.
What I so appreciate about your piece and Donna’s response is the expression of your experience…it is odd in looking back at my own trek to see how mild words make it seem…but the reality was that my spirit was harmed…something uniquely kind was damaged without any form of regret from the perpetrator…thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It is/was very therapeutic to write. I googled “depth of deception” or something of that nature…..and here I am.
Still so surreal to me.
But I have found so much strength here…..
Marisol, I am so sorry that you had to find out he was married in the way that you did…I imagine it was completely & utterly shocking. I am glad that you had the strength to search the net for the truth finding your way to this wonderful site LF and to post your story. It’s not easy to open up especially when you are still in the state of shock but it is a great way to start your healing journey and to find support.
The lies they tell are just unbelievable and never ending. After 12 hellish years of being married to a sociopath I will never know the truth about all of his double & triple lying lives but what I did find out and what at the time did not make sense but after being told by a counselor that I was married to a sociopath was enough to know that I need out of my abusive marriage. So as painful as it is for you to find out the truth you will come to realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to you in the last 5 years. The truth does set us free!!
Be sure to watch Donna Anderson’s videos at the top of this site under the red tab and do a search on Lovefraud and the net for the following:
gas lighting abuse & sociopath gas lighting abuse
No contact rule & narcissist no contact rule
sociopath pity play
sociopath Love bombing
This guy will come boomeranging back into your life so we prepared by educating yourself on his manipulative games. Come here to ask questions/vent etc.
Wishing you all the best!!
Take care
ps one of the worse things you can do with a sociopath is go to couples therapy as they always will manipulate the counselor and turn everything around to blame the victims they are masterful at this game!!! Best to go to individual counseling by yourself with a extremely knowledgeable counselor on narcissist & sociopathic abuse.
Jan7. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my letter. I have no intention of contacting him again. As I mentioned, the depth of deception is too deep……and I have a daughter that I must model/show her that you do not stay in a relationship with someone like this (she is young; knows he was unfaithful but not the extent of what I found out).
I am trying to educate myself as much as possible……out of fear that he will return……I have read through many of the stories…am reading Donna’s book…….am going to find a counselor that can help me heal. It was a shock yet so beneficial to read that my over abundance of empathy led me astray.
It is very comforting to know that I’m not alone………that I am not completely stupid……and that there are people out there (like you) that care.
Thank you again.
Almille2, your welcome 😉
I think that is one of the most important things that comes out of finding out the truth about our mate and that is we are not alone. They isolate us from our friends/family and in your case he isolated you from his friends/family.
I remember when I started to search the net the day that I was told by my counselor that my h was a sociopath. I had been searching for answers through “marriage counseling” and even though I told each counselor that he had no remorse, guilt, shame, lied about everything, cheated etc (every trait of a sociopath without knowing what I was describing to them) they never told me get out asap! I felt so trapped and alone, desperate for answers & desperate to end my marriage but I was so mentally exhausted from all of his craziness & drama that I could not find the door out on my own. It was not until I literally escaped, drove across country & found a counselor to tell me the truth did I finally have closure on my marriage. YOU are no longer alone, we are here for you & you can reach out to your local abuse center for free counseling (although they do not talk about sociopathic behavior) & free women group meetings.
No you are not “stupid”…none of us are…they are sleek con artist who mimicked our dreams, belief systems and hopes…no one stands a chance against a sociopath con artist.
You should be very proud of yourself Amille because you see exactly who he is, you know that going no contact for you and your daughter is a must, you ended your relationship and would rather be alone then with him. This is a HUGE step in such a short amount of time. So pat yourself on the back and give ourself lots of high fives!!!! Bravo!!
Finding the right counselor is not easy, finding a counselor who knows about sociopathic abuse is not easy…so keep in mind you might have to fire one or two (or more) until you find the right one.
Donna Anderson of Lovefraud has a life coach program if you go to the top under the red tap “contact us” you can learn more. I have not used her services but her website here is excellent & I would guess the same for her services as she is a very educated & highly intelligent caring woman who has accomplished lots before/after being conned by her ex h. You might also want to contact your local abuse center to see if they have any outside counseling recommendations.
As your daughter grows into her teenage years dont forget to educate her too on how to spot a dangerous man (boy) as 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths mainly men and 1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist these are the bullies in school who grow up to manipulate, control and abuse their spouses & bf.
YOU are going to come out of this nightmare a stronger version of your old self. So be kind to yourself as you process all of the lying, chaos & drama that he did to you and your daughter. Think about filing a restraining order too with the help of your local abuse center for your protection & change your locks & think about installing a home security system from a hard ware store like Home Depot/lowes (USA) they have security systems starting as low as $15 for a door and a package for $100 that take batteries & are easy to install with a simple screw driver. Advise your neighbors to call the police if they see his car or him near your home. You can bring your door lock tumblers to home depot to change them, it’s cheaper then changing the whole door lock. Just call them for a price. Taking the tumblers out is not hard.
Another site that will help educate you is psychopathyawareness. wordpress.
A few additional books that might help you out:
Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown
Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan
The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout
Take care
ps the book “The sociopath next door” you can listen to the audio version on you tube for free just google. The others can be found on amazon.
Question Please…
I just woke up startles at 5:55 am. I took what my dr. prescribed two days ago just now.. a mg of klonopin.
In my dreams…. and upon waking… I thought of all the girls I know down on “The Ave” that he will attempt to con and use. WHY CANT I INFORM THEM… SAVE THEN just as we would a burglar, child molestor or rapist? Some os these women are old and unattractive… he uses his amazing looks, body, sex to manipulate them and it works. I fell for sure… He also chooses widows with money.
why cant there be a news report…
CAUTION; THIS MAN JUST LIED UNDER THE GUISE OF LOVE AND ENGAGEMENT AND USED THIS WOMAN… A LOCAL music therapist with dementia residents and a Nursing Home where he met her thru his work…
and succeeded at conning her out of 10.000 dollars, free room and board for almost a year, a new car after his 2005 Camaro was repossessed …. and he will do it to you.
He is also emotionally and physically abusive but has said he holds back and does not beat the women he wants to… b/c he wants his pension from the Fire Dept.
why cant I try and find the numbers and contact these women? Why? He is teling them that I BEAT HIM AND ABUSED HIM AND KICKED HIM OUT AND HE HAS NOWHERE TO TO go. I am crazy and he just couldnt be abused anymore.
Does anyone see the evil , the twisted evil of the above?
If you could just tell me why I should not contact these women? for one… he has told so many of them that I am nuts.. that they would not even accept my friend requests on facebook. I have shut my fb down and I think that is a good idea.
if there is a restraining order on someone and a background check is run for employment… will it appear on the report?
I kind of wish I had not taken the med cuz I have to go to work at some point today…. but on my own time.
the reality of it all just hit me like a ton of bricks when I woke up. his plotting arms not holding me… while his lips utter I love you throughout the night and morning.
Many thanks for the suggested reading! I will definitely start them once I finish Donna’s book.
Good Morning Kitty,
Your desire to warn other victims is the way many survivors feel. It’s natural for good people to want to protect others.
It doesn’t usually work well with spaths. Consider whether you would have believed the warnings of an ex girlfriend when the spath was in the love bombing stage of deceiving you and he appeared to be such a great person. Your ex is telling the lies about you to his new victims to preemptively discredit you, in case the new victims compare notes with the old victims. If you try to warn them, you will most likely be viewed by them and the rest of the world as a bitter ex.
Another reason is that it is not good for you. Your ex may try to harm you if you interfere with his preying on new victims. Putting your energy into your recovery and staying safe will enable you to do more good in the world in the long run.
If warning new victims worked, we’d all be doing it effectively, and there would be a lot less victims. Sadly, it generally doesn’t work. It just backfires. Many well meaning victims discovered this the hard way.
What you can do is let a new victim in a relationship know you are available to answer questions if she has any questions. This applies to someone who has been seeing him for awhile. You can send a brief note saying something like I understand you’re dating so-and-so. If you ever have any questions for me or would like to talk, you’re welcome to contact me.
When you’re going through the worst of the aftermath, as you are now, you need your energy to recover and take care of your own needs. Keeping your life simple so you can focus on the basics can help.
Jan7…..thank you. Trying very hard not to beat myself up. However all these lies I stuffed in the corner of my brain keep surfacing….and I cringe at myself.
Ironic isn’t it? If a friend came to me and told me my story as hers, I would tell her he was lying…that she would be crazy to stay with him…
Do you really think he is going to come back? Do these guys need to be the ones to break up? In other words, he’ll be back because he didn’t break up with me? If so, then I will need to think of a way to let him break up with me if he returns.
He hasn’t done anything to warrant a restraining order. I fear even if I were able to obtain, it might provoke. I’m not sure he can stalk ….at least not at night. What would he tell his wife? He never had a key to my house…..but I will definitely change the code to the garage. I appreciate your warnings. I will be more vigilant about checking my surroundings.
My mother told me to always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I’m telling my daughter to do that too…just never to the point that you sacrifice yourself.
Thank you again for your responses. You have no idea how much you are helping me.
Whether they initiate the breakup or not, they tend to come back because they are always trolling for what they can exploit someone for. They never really were in a relationship and they are never really out of it, in their minds.
Amille, it is normal that all of the lies they told purge up in our brains….sociopaths use brain washing, mind control, trance, & hypnosis to control their victims and to control our minds so lots of thoughts during your relationship were repressed. Sociopaths ARE cult leaders and the victims are the cult followers. Even if they only have one follower they play the same mental games as if they had 1000 followers. He was your cult leader & you were his cult follower. So you need to open up your mind and all the repressed memories will flood out.
As over whelming as it is for all of these thoughts to “keep surfacing” it is your brain’s way of sorting out everything and purging the bad out vs storing it. Our brains know what to do to have a peaceful & calm life.
You will have triggers that will make you cry out of no where or get mad. Let all of these emotions flow out of your mind. Journaling helps or venting here. What ever you do dont stuff your feelings down as they will come up down the road and eventually you will have to deal with them. Best to sort them out now.
These guys come back maybe in a week or maybe in years but when they dont have a new victim hooked or a victim dumps them or they dump the victim. DONT panic about him coming back…instead educate yourself so that you know his games ie gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, pity play etc That way you have control of the situation not him.
Read everything you can get your hands on about the No Contact Rule. This rule is your power, your way to protect you and your daughter. Right now you should change your email address, close out your social media accounts or at least block him & put strong privacy protection on them and if your daughter has these types of accounts do the same for her accounts. Prevent him from contacting you.
IF he contacts you via phone, email, text etc IRNORE HIM do NOT respond he will bait you back into his sick twisted game. If he comes to your door call the police. Do not worry about calling the police and the impact it has on him. Your job is to protect you & your daughter period. Best to change your phone number too.
I know what you mean about that if a friend came to you, I was the same way…I saw who my ex was the very first day I meet him really the very second I meet him…but what you will learn is these guys are playing a con game, a game we had no idea we were playing and we did not know the rules of their games. We got sucked into a sociopath’s tornado and the only thing we were focused on was surviving but once we are out we see every game they played. Remember they brain washing, mind control, trance, & use hypnosis to control our minds. They can use these things in emails, text too this is another reason to block them and not read their ranting emails.
He is a sociopath these guys are sneaky so you still might want to change your locks because he could have taken your key or spare and had one made. This is the evilness they do. I dont want to scare you but you have to protect yourself.
These guys are master manipulators with their words….he may come back to tell you more plausible lies or tell you that he is getting a divorce because he wants to be with you and that he was afraid to tell you he was married. He’ll tell you that he and his wife were really separated the whole time but they had to stay in the house together for ie the kids, because of financial reasons etc. They will try anything to suck the victim back in. When I found out about my husbands first two year affair he begged me, cried, sobbed, used words to twist everything around ie his married mistress what trolling and sucked him in then he blamed me but never took any responsibility. He asked me to go to marriage counseling which was a waste of time, money and was so crazy because he turned everything around on me and the counselor bough his manipulation hook line & sinker.
Keep in mind he has been lying to his wife the whole time he has been with you. And all the mental games he played on you he played on her. She is most likely at her wits end and if she leaves him (hopefully this will happen to her as she is a victim too) he may attempt to suck you back into his game maybe in a year or ten years.
Your welcome again…I was exactly where you were not long ago…others lifted me up when I needed help to understand everything that I was going through.
You are going to shine again….you are doing great sorting all of his craziness out.
Hugs to you!
see psychopathyawareness.wordpress site
Jan7, Thanks for the cult analogy. It’s a helpful frame to view what they do. We thought we were in a relationship; we were not. It was something else, and a cult, with even one follower, is what it was. I’ve heard it said that spaths don’t have friends, they have followers.
Amille2,
Hello and thank you for sharing your story.
I want to say one thing you are not is stupid.
You are a caring, nurturing and trusting person like the rest of us here.
Who was to know that a person such as this exists.
That women’s intuition, which my expath told me was broken is alive and well in you.
Feel free to read my rantings, my story starts as “He makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama” but my story and posts are all over this website as I went back and forth in what is called cognitive dissonance.. I learned that here.
It’s the pulling back and forth that people feel when they are under the abusers evil spell.
You are in the right place for support.
Stronginthecity
We are here for you Amille…..
and Strong… abuser’s evil spell….
perfect!
I felt sick this morning… when I picked up a pen to write with.. and it was one from he Fire Dept.
you know what it says on it?
TO SERVE AND PROTECT.
How about
TO MAKE OTHERS SERVE HIM AND HARM THEM AS WELL.
I just want to say thank you to all of you. What you have described is what I’ve been facing this week. As my earlier posts I came out of the hospital and here we are. This week has been the “I am rolling down a mountain and can’t stop emotional devastation”. Your comment described how I feel. Things didn’t add up for me too. The relationship I had was around eleven years albeit I never got to meet any of his work friends ( for 5 years) even though he said he spoke about me. I took the love filled advice that was given here by many beautiful women and I thank you. I got myself checked out for stds and I also had to change my locks and install a camera. As for mine he has many personal belongings the hospital sent to him. Some expensive ( phone, computer etc), and some irreplaceable ( pictures of my friends that have died of the same disease I was in the hospital for). Here although I have been looking for a therapist who is knowledgae of sociopaths. The abuse centers here don’t help on that front. They send you to the national medical off centers that are just intern social workers giving you five counseling sessions. At this point I have now made a list of all the books to read people lost on this site. I find it helps. I litterslly am only starting to sleep after being discarded. No answers. Nothing. I have asked for my things back. I’ve asked what’s wrong. Nothing. Which when I would receive the silent treatment is not unusual. The sure sign to break it is to beg and just as I would give up hope he’d come back and turn it all around on to me. No apology no explaination nothing. Or if I went to visit his parents. His parents know I am out of the hospital. I spoke to them the day after I posted here first. And they had questions about my doctors and my treatments but no answers about the their son or where my things were. In the past I have been such a push over. Too scared. Too traumatized. I was abandoned as a child and he knew of it so guess what he’d do? But that’s not all he’d do. Any case I also looked into the idea of him having an affair at work. Since I was never welcomed there. It looks like he very well was is while I was in the hospital with surgeries. I know how I was treated was sick. I know I don’t deserve it on the outside but on the inside I’m very hurt. I question my self what if I didn’t get sick? What if what if what if.
But in reality this week I have been shocked. Broken. Panicked. And then wanting the lies to stop and to know the truth. So I started to look on the Internet. I found multiple social networking sites. Everything private. All the coworkers he would talk about and mention all on them but I was left out. I even found a site that can tell you who was the last person that person looked up on the local working databases for the area. Guess what? The girl he cheated on me with. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this is another silent treatment. If he’s seeing someone else while I was in the hospital but I’m like you. If I found out I would want to warn her. So thank you for all your comments ladies. It’s helping. I wish I could keep my mind busy enough. Right now it’s going over the last 11 years asking myself what stood out. What wasn’t normal. And what in the heck was the truth. How do you make peace without conclusion? He clearly was hidding something. Especially if people at work were included and I wasn’t. It just hurts. All of it. I don’t lie. I actually respect people’s feelings and love them and to find out the depth I don’t even know where to begin. So I’m reading the list of books. I’m reading your comments ladies and I just want to say thank you.
Bluelight, I am glad that you shared more of your story with us.
The reality is you will never know the full truth of his betrayal. They live such a sick & twisted deceptive life. It’s all a big con game to them.
Your closure is the fact that you now know the truth = that he is a sociopath. And the fact that the best thing that ever happened was you ending this relationship. You will get to a point that you dont care what the full truth is because what you witnessed was enough of a nightmare.
It’s hard at first but with time you will see that he brought nothing but chaos & drama to your life. Keep reading & watching the videos at the top of this site under the red tab “video”. Also see psychopathyawareness.wordpress it has more info for you to read.
Hugs!!
Wishing you the best. Take care
Strong…thank you for your time and willingness to reach out.
“Who was to know these people exist?” struck a cord with me. That helps me to stop kicking myself a bit. Obviously I know what a sociopath is….we have seen what the media gives us.
To have one in my life? Not him….he was so thoughtful…. Kind…bought me the most thoughtful gifts…..never asked for money…..no Jekyll and Hyde…..he even bought a Christmas gift for one of my friends…..
Besides… My ex husband is an alcoholic.., I knew how to spot lies…LOL….
My friends don’t understand. They just think he wanted his cake and eat it too. That he must have really loved me and liked spending time with me. Some married men cheat.
They don’t understand the depth of the lies…..that everything was a lie….or a kernal of truth wrapped in fabrication….if I try and give an example they then say “and you believed that?” Back to kicking myself..,
Yesterday was hard….really hard….these memories…. The “oh now I understand why he did that.,..” They keep stopping me in my tracks.
Strong…thank you again….those words help me pick myself up and keep moving…..because you are so right? Who knew?
maybe that will be the name of my book on recovery from the devastation of a sociopath./narcissist.
“Who Knew?”
Well… we do now…. and we will empower ourselves with education on this wack jobs and carry the message to others….
Happy Sunday everyone!
Kittylover
Kitty, That is a great book title! Put me down for a copy. If you’re up to it, you could start writing parts of it now.
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID WITH ME.
And the one female Dr. who saw thru him and asked,
“Why are you going thru her emails and her phone?”
He told me she was a stupid, menopausal jewish bitch who knew nothing.
that he loved me.. and that was it.
I NEVER WEnt back and she would not see me anymore since I stayed with him.
Kittylover….I didn’t sleep last night either..,. I’m probably the last person to answer your question.., still so new to this situation…. But true to my nature, I have been devouring Donnas book any any article I can find on the subject.
Ask yourself this.,.when you thought you loved him and someone tried to warn you…..would you have believed her? LOL… I didn’t even believe myself when the red flags were waving right in front of my face.
If you pursue these women….then you become the crazy one. He can turn to them and say, See what I mean? Secondly, and maybe this is just me…but there is no way I am going to give this man any more of me…..and that means he doesn’t get to see my pain, the tears, the fear, the doubts, the withdrawal from what I thought was his love…if you continue to try and contact these women…you are giving him more of you/he gets to see all that.
Lastly, are you sure you want give him reason to retaliate? These guys have no conscious. While my guy never showed me any anger…never….he told stories of anger/violence in his “past.” I prefer to stay as far away as possible.
My friends think I’m crazy but I actually feel sorry for his wife/girlfriend. She is probably supporting him financially….. Paid for all those gifts that I threw away. I can’t save her though. And you know what? She may already know something….suspects he was cheating on her…yet chooses to stay…
I need to save myself now. I need to work on me. I already gave him too much.
The best revenge is to move on…..
Amille…. I just woke up from my klonopinn induced nap to read your glorious post.
This gives me a whole new outlook and attitude. .. Thaaaaaaaaaaaank you. I’m moving on…. he can prowl the ave and the bars in. Search of victims all he wants.. he’s not my concern anymore. Xoxoxo
Kittylover..thank you for your posts….comforting to know I am not alone…..although it saddens me to think we have all been hurt in this way.
My friends don’t really understand….and I don’t blame them. I don’t completely understand it all either..probably never will.
I will keep reading….draw strength from this group…keep moving….
I LOVE IT….. SOCIOPATHS DO NOT HAVE FRIENDS… THEY HAVE FOLLOWERS….
Can we make bumper stickers and tshirts out of that one?
I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW TRUE THIS IS… b/c every “friend” of his to whom Id speak…. did not know a damned thing about him.. except for the “words” of the script the spath was performing.
Who knows the spaths? THE VICTIMS.
That is so true – that it is the victims who truly know what the spaths are and what they do. When people did not believe me or second guessed my assessment of my ex psychopath, I would think, “I was in a marriage relationship (fake of course) with him; I should know what he is like.”
Kitty,
I think t shirts and bumper stickers are a fantastic idea!
Let’s spread the word…without feeling embarrassed about it!
Be brave!
Strong
Kittylover,
Good thinking on the bumper stickers!! It reminds me of a picture my friend sent me of a bumper sticker she saw, “It’s better to have LOVED and LOST than to live with a PSYCHO the REST OF YOU LIFE.” Haha! We need to go into business and spread the word! All the World needs to be more informed of these monsters.
I remember trying to inform a few mutual friends when I discovered spath #1. All it did was cause more damage. No one believed me. And now I’m the crazy one. You all know how it goes!
amille2,
Excellent advice!
Stronginthecity
You all rock.
Kitty…
I understand the desire to warn others about Mr. crazy.
We have all been there and some of us(me) have followed through with it and regretted it.
Example:
When I was with my ex back in 2006 when he was still MARRIED, telling me that he was separated and getting a divorce..I decided to contact the wifey…big mistake. Even though I gave her the password to my voice mail to listen to the messages he left me while he was going back and forth between Florida, where she lived and my town..1200 miles away he was playing both of us.
He was telling me divorce, telling her lets be a family and even after I let her listen to the messages telling me how much he missed me and loves me and can’t wait to see me, making dinner plans for us etc…I gave her my pin, she listened to the messages and still did not believe me…
Your guy will hang himself eventually or mess with the wrong person and you won’t have to worry what he says.
Kitty, look at this..that was 2006 and he left me to go back to his wife which I had told him all along that if he decided to do that I would understand because there were 2 kids and I am all for families staying together if possible. He JUST LEFT..no explanation, just left town and that was it. NO CLOSURE for me.
2013, I let him back in my life because I didn’t do my homework after he left me depressed and suicidal desperately trying to figure what the hell happened.
Anyway, I know that I am rambling but don’t waste one more minute thinking about HIM. YOU KNOW. I DIDNT..I let this piece of crap crazy person back into my life and have regretted it since he started his stalking me in 2013…
Try to let it go.
The domestic violence support in your area should be able to give you some info an legal aid that can support you through getting the RO in place…he will get his. Don’t you worry.
Let him say whatever he wants.
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY!!!!!!
Your LF buddy,
Stronginthecity
STRONG…. THIS POST IS SO UPLIFTING AND INSPIRING AND YOU ARE my LF Buddy for sure.
thank you so so so so much.
I forget about kharma.
Gosh… every little thing I have done wrong… has boomeranged right back to me. I cannot get away with anything. 🙂
thank you all sooooo much for your support during this!
he has not been served the ro yet. will not happen until next week and I do not understand that and it is so unfair. since he was living with me.. we now do not have a home address from him… but they do have the fire dept address and will serve him there. It just stinks cuz he works one day (24 hours) and then is off two.
and has sat on my couch and played xbox and contacted other women using my home… my wifi… my everything…. trust… body.. oh it is just criminal and disgusting.
<3
Kitty,
You sound so much better and I am glad that we have been helpful.
You have come a long way from 2 weeks ago.
He does not live with you anymore and will never sit on your couch and use YOUR things or you ever again.
Yes, it sucks but you are well on your way.
Keep reading on here and the other sites, find out as much as you can and take care of you.
I got some beautiful tan lines today which are only for me to see!
Read Donna’s article about William Allen Jordan..
Your friend,
Stronginthecity
Even if the counselor really was severely out of line, what he called her is disrespectful and crude.
Old fashioned wisdom says that a man who treats a waitress badly is going to treat his wife (or anyone he can get away with it) badly.
Respect isn’t about whether someone deserves respect, it’s a reflection on the person being respectful. There’s no cost and lots to be gained by being respectful of everyone whether they deserve it or not. Being respectful doesn’t mean being best friends, or hiring someone, or working with or for someone, or giving them time or energy.
I found this very true…and it is like a double wallop….because one is victimized (even if unwittingly) by the therapist….I glad you said this…
This article on the No Contact rule is from narcissistfree:
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
Honestly, I can’t believe what I’m reading. This is exactly what I’ve been going through. My boyfriend of 2 years walked out on Monday, packing his things while I was at work. Leaving a note. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster since December of this year when I first began to realise my boyfriend was lying to me. About everything, since the beginning of our relationship. I’ve found out he was cheating on me with his wife (ex wife? I have no idea, when I met him he told me he was separated and getting a divorce) as well as another woman from a previous relationship before her. These relationships have probably been going n from the start. I’ve discovered 3 online dating profiles at least one of which he started just weeks before we moved in together, they said he was single or separated, with many of the profile photos being taken recently from inside our flat, one of them said he lived in another city. I discovered he has lost two jobs in the last 2 years and lied to me about both of them actually pretending to go to work so I wouldn’t find out, in one instance pretending to be made redundant…he’s had a whole social media life I knew nothing about. From the beginning he said he didn’t even have a facebook account, but I’ve found a very active one which he used to maintain a separate life communicating with his wife and this other woman (as well as all his friend, most of which I’ve only met once or twice) And an extremely disturbing pinterest account with boards about ‘Silence’ and sex which he & his wife were communicating through. He’s been living with me in another city since Sept 2013. I found out that while I was away for work he invited his wife to our flat for a weekend of sightseeing and sex. In our flat. I’ve found out that on Dec 27th when he was supposed to be at a friend’s he took a train to another city to meet with another woman and have sex in a hotel. I have been in a world of desperation and fear for weeks, unable to sleep or eat. I too had this moment of wanting to ‘out’ him to friends, family and wrote a huge letter (which I have not sent). I realise if I make him angry he will probably try and hurt me. He’s gone back to his parent’s house and is already reconciling with his wife and I know he’s told them that I’ve abused him!!! I am 5’6 and 130lbs. He’s 6’7′ but insists that I tried to push him off our balcony when I found his secret phone. For the last 2 weeks before he left it was agony. Tears, fights, arguements, crazy make up sex, begging him to tell me the truth so we could work this out. All of our arguments ending with his apologies, half-truths, telling me he loved me and I was his ‘one’ that he would spend his whole life making this up to me, that he wanted to marry me. Then one more lie would reveal itself and the cycle would start again. I haven’t heard from him since Thursday, when he told me that he had returned to his parents so he could be on his own for awhile and make himself better by getting back on his meds (he’s told me he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder), but I know that he’s been out playing rugby, going on rugby ‘tour’ – essentially a weekend piss up with all his mates and reconciling with his wife. Pathetically all of our contact was initiated by me. Ug, the list could go on and on. I started reading about narcissists thinking it couldn’t possibly be true, he was just a bad guy and he would see the error of his ways…but the things I’m reading, it’s like holding up a mirror. I’m just so grateful to read your stories and know that I’m not going crazy.
So sorry that you are experiencing this betrayal and exploitation. Prayers for your survival and recovery.
What a ridiculous lie about trying to push him off the balcony. Firstly, it takes the focus off his having a ‘secret phone’ and puts the focus on your wrongly alleged bad behavior. Second, he deserved to be pushed off the balcony if he’s lying, cheating, and using a secret phone to do so. If the people hearing his BS don’t see his wrongdoing, even with the lies about you in his story, they probably deserve him.
You can give all the great things you have to offer to someone who deserves you.
Smallsteps, my gosh…..this guy sounds exactly like a sociopath…so evil, so selfish, so many lies & deceptions. NO you are NOT crazy, he is the crazy one creating drama & chaos for fun & to confuse everyone around him.
I am truly sorry that you have been emotionally & mentally abused. It’s a nightmare what you have been living…please know you will never get the truth from them…they will intentionally give you dribbles of the truth mixed in with 98% lies. They tell you a little truth to turn your head away from what they are really doing…they will manipulate you with more lying words “baby I love you” bs and make up sex to control you from leaving.
It sounds like he is leaving now because he has finally convinced his wife to take him back but guess what his wife will remember soon enough why she kicked him out in the first place = his serial cheating, pathological lying, moodiness, selfishness etc. And he was starting to realize he was loosing control over you & you were seeing his mask slip. He will boomerang back into your life so beware!!
As hard as it is right now for you…and how heart breaking it is for you right now, him leaving is the BEST thing that ever happened since the day you met him. I know it does not seem this way right now but you will get to a point you will be so happy he walked out.
KEEP READING EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE…start at the top under the red/gray tab including watch Donna’s excellent videos under the red video tab. Her books are good too.
Check out the site Psychopathawareness.wordpress. it’s full of more great info. When you are emotional ie crying, sad, angry etc come to LF and this other one and read everything it will help you to calm your mind as well as open it up from his mind control.
You are NOT ALONE anymore…we hear you!!!
I am glad you searched the net and I am equally glad you were brave enough to open your story. That is not an easy thing to do but it will help you to heal from this nightmare.
Do a search on Lovefraud and the net for the following:
No contact rule & sociopath no contact rule
gas lighting abuse & sociopath gas lighting abuse
sociopath pity play
Take care
You are not go crazy (I on the other hand, may be…) 🙂 just kidding….
I am so grateful for all of you you have no idea. None. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
my first sunday night without him since September. No big fireman to cook for and his kids.. at my apt. of course.
No cuddling on the couch or going to the dog park….
or thinking I have found my match made in heaven……
I am very very sad and very very very angry…
and the anger at myself is the worst.
Kittylover…I’m here with you. Today marks one week since I said goodbye…..
I still have not hit angry…other than at myself….I’m still in shock at all the lies that keep surfacing….lies that didn’t even need to be lies….they are even popping up in my dreams.
I read everyone’s posts and think maybe he isn’t a sociopath. He never was cruel to mean or tried to control. Until it dawned on me THAT THE ENTIRE “RELATIONSHIP’ was cruel and controlling. I could only see him on his terms….that I spent all this time thinking someday soon he would trust me enough to let him into his life…..the thought of that makes me ill.
I’m trying to focus on not having to plan and cook meals for him….the money I will save by not having to buy extra groceries, snacks and his favorite beverages. That I don’t have to try and “get in the mood” during the day when my work was calling or a house to clean, etc. I can sit in my comfy clothes and no make up. That I can do what I want when I want.
I miss the texts and messages of love….thinking I found my prince ….just as you do.
However I ask myself if I would trade those empty declarations of love for what I know now? Nope. At least now when I feel lonely it is because I am alone…..and that’s ok. I think it is far worse to feel lonely when you are with someone.
Your posts and willingness to share are helping more than you know….
Amille2, Kittylover – I’m right here with you. No more meal planning! Hurray! My whole world revolved around taking care of him, doing his laundry, cooking all his favourite meals (while footing most of the grocery bills as well, of course), making sure his wants & needs were catered to… being his lovely little domestic goddess.
It makes me just a little bit braver hearing your stories. Thank you again
Smallsteps and kittylover….I think we should each try and come up with one thing we can do now….or one thing we can buy ourselves someday with the grocery money we will save.
It doesn’t have to be anything big….
Just something we can focus on….that is positive….. That we can equate to how we are trying to be kind to ourselves.
I am kicking around a couple of ideas….joining a new gym that just opened for $15/month….a bracelet that I have been eyeing…going for a walk by myself listening to my favorite songs now that the weather is turning..,.
Try living with the fact that after desperately trying to save a 23 year long marriage to a sociopath, one finally has to come to the reality that, instead of mothering and loving 5 beautiful children, I finally had to come to the realization that these “beautiful” children have also inherited the monster genes of psychopathy! Hard for a 77 year old, disabled and lonely woman to swallow.
Don’t feel angry at yourself; it can, and does happen, to victims all over the world. ANYONE showing love and compassion can easily become a victim. It has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence and was in no way, caused by you! As Lance Armstrong’s wife said to him, “the truth will set you free” except that for a sociopath, there is no such thing as truth!..or hope.
Smallsteps….
I shake my head as I read your post because almost the exact same thing happened to me…more than three years ago now.
I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. I can almost feel your pain from afar. It might be little consolation for me to say with No Contact it does get better, but it does. Whatever amount of time it takes to heal from this for you or anyone else is very personal….but it will happen.
At this point in time, I’m in a much better place and have moved on from the horrendous ordeal. Please know there are many wonderful people on this site who can help.
Stay strong my friend…
Carolann
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I’ve been awake for hours reading online, it’s keeping me occupied and not panicking in another room desperately wanting to check my phone. The fact that I’ve actually managed to leave my phone in another room for a few hours which feels like a huge step. If only I could get out of my pjs and wash my hair…
One of the articles I read this morning really helped shed some light on on how some of the thought processes work for SP’s & N’s. I’m starting to piece a few more things together and realise he had been priming his wife for a return for sometime but had to make sure he could turn up as the wounded victim and also I think the more whacked out crazy, paranoid and desperate for him I became, it was too good a supply to leave just yet. I’ve started googling those terms you suggested. Thank you so much. Knowledge is power. Even though I don’t feel any kind of powerful at all right now. I’m trying to keep my heart light, but then some other little thing pops into my head. Was he ever in the army? That weekend months ago did he actually go hunting or was that just another lie? It was all so calculated. I know I’ll never know the truth and I just have to resign myself to that. At the moment I just feel so hollow. Thank you all again xx
Kittylover, smallsteps, amille2,
I’m hearing all of you. I feel the same way. I’m still in shock. Haven’t hit the anger stage. Just in shock. Hurt. Can’t sit still. I’ve been reading too. Just everything keeps popping in my head. I for one didn’t have a superb relationship with him. It was long but he had so many quirks. When I met him he was heavily into smoking dope. Which of course was hidden. Found out after his first silent treatment which of course he blamed it on that. Same as the porn addiction ( what he would do when he only wasn’t speaking to me of course), and the video games. He looked ashamed and asked for help to right ride of his weeding ways. His parents knew. Even gave him money for it. His sibling said ” that’s what guys do when they are depressed mom, dad”. The thing is that went on years before he met me or before his silent treatment he gave me. After that I believed him. Until the next silent treatment. The thing is I had a lot of friends in college. I was going somewhere. I was determined. Had the weight on my shoulders doing it by myself without family but that was ok. Working 80 hrs a week going to school full time just to make ends meet and pay less in school fees. My grades were a little lower than my normal expentant ones but that was ok. I had a boyfriend I loved friends were my family and balancing work and school and fast forward. Add a puppy and training and graduation and friends leaving one by one. They couldn’t stand him not being there for me. At social events or whatnots. He always had an excuse and I believed them. I loved him. Until around year four suddenly the silent treatments were at full force. This one didn’t let up. After a month of being ignored reaching out and possibly acting like a desperate mess, I was depressed and heart broken someone could do that. No note no explaination nothing I called his parents house because I was done calling his cell. His mom put me through had no idea anything was wrong. Apparently he told them he just got back from living with me for two weeks. He didn’t say hi. He just told me he needed space. Being young I didn’t know what that was. Well it was six months of not speaking. Every week I would write him emails asking him what that meant and how confused I was and this is what I would find out about relationships and maybe I did this wrong? In all when I finally wrote my last email saying how much I loved him. But blaming it all on me because I was an orphan and clearly too messed up to be s good women to someone and I’ll always love him, I sent it. At this time I truly believed it. After all any disagreement in our relationship was always down to it being my fault because of not having Parent’s. His reasoning not mine. In any case the day I sent this was almost eight months after the initial silent discard. At the time there was hardly anything on what he was doing to me. Any resource was through counselling. Which the day I sent it I remembered was the day I made my first appointment with a therapist. It took me a while to save up enough to go. There I went to a group sessions for caregivers of drug addicts, and porn addicts and I dealt with my childhood issues and what it really means not to have parents. Which I am thankful for. I learned a lot. I learned it wasn’t all my fault and it’s ok that I don’t have a normal family but no one should make me feel less of a human because of it. I was doing things on my own and it’s ok. It’s ok to cry when someone lies to you. When you’re hurting. It’s ok. At that point I was at a low in my life and believed all his emotional abuse and gas lighting techniques. All I wanted was to love someone and be loved in return. The day after I sent that he wrote me an email which now I see was probably his ploy. Of how he wasn’t over me. Ya da Ya da. I wish I still had it. Back then I thought it was the best thing. But looking back it was a minuscule of positivity and he never apologized. What he did let me know was he had been seeing his best friends gfs best friend. They’ve been intimate. The following year was him convincing me to emotionally abiding me to get out of therapy and those group meetings and him still having that women in his life. Even after him telling me he said goodbye and loved me. ( the women he looked up on the local database). So another year of let’s work on our relationship. He wanted me to get rid of a guy I had become best of friends with while he gave me that long bout of silence/break up. Which looking back I shouldn’t have. But I didn’t anyone who questioned him slowly went away. To fast forward many silent treatments later. Another affair but this time it was at his new work with s women who loved talking about sex. She always texted him. A month into the job. At that time it was still no smart phones and texting wasn’t a thing. It was still oooo you got a text. Must be from someone you care about or an emergency. He would just chalk it up to work but we got our books to work on relationship. To make it solid. To make our foundation strong ( because his excuse was I had no parents so how could one be strong because of me), even though I am loyal like a dog and will help out my friends in any possible way. No excuses. But I digress. He never read any of them. The books were about office romances how to stop them dr Phil. Respect and love. And the psychology of building great foundations of trust and loyalty. I did the reading. He just kept on saying he wanted to marry me and hated to see me live with roommates. I moved out. He helped a little. More friends were lost. I started to get sick. In the hospital. Found out he had an affair. The next two years add more silent treatments. And it was my fault because each time I cried I was too much for him. Seriously. If I was upset id have to jump into the bathroom till that was not allowed. And I would have to go in the shower to cry. Every job I had he would find a way for me to loose it or discredit me. The only thing that was important was his job. Never mind I was diagnosed with c. Fast forward. My pets died of old age he wasn’t there for me. He got upset at me for being upset mourning. Crying. Missing them. They were the only ones actually loving me. I see that now. He would rip me to shreds emotionally. Litterslly. Call me garbage on my birthday. And silent treatment. No holiday was spent with me. Christmas I wasn’t good enough to spend with his family. Birthdays he had family plans. And well my birthday I would get silent treatments. He’d come back a week later. Or two. Just when I was feeling better and getting myself off the ground. At this time I was in remission but when I wasn’t I had to do it all on my own. Can it. Struggle to the hospital and struggle home. Nights I would fall asleep on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t make it to my bed. Alone. It’s was horrible and I believed his abuse. Until the c came back. These past two years. He did too. I was in group therapy. Learning a lot about abuse. And working one on one on myself. It was ok to have needs. Understanding my childhood and what that meant and it was ok to be different. Emotionally I was becoming healthier and stronger and he was getting meaner. Gas lighting like crazy. Hating I would be honest and hold up the mirror. I write this and now I am almost sure he was with someone else the last two years or maybe with the same women who had texted him long ago. At this time his phone was always locked. How dare I even want to look even photos was off limits. He would live here off and on. Off and on. His parents didn’t like me because I had no family but they would always end up calling me asking about their son because he would ignore them too. They chalked it up to him growing up. I see now it’s Jist disrespectful. The weeks I needed help to go to the doctors were the silent treatment weeks. So at this point he never met my doctors. Never drove me to the hospital. Never got food. Never helped. My dog was really sick with a degenerating disease and he refused to help while I was in and out of the hospital. He just would claim the loving doting partner. He would call up my doctors and demand to know everything. Which since I loved him no problem. He was my person. The person I had hopes for working on everything with. And I had nothing to hide. It was no longer all my fault. He blamed it on the affairs. The fact I was sick. The fact he was deathly scared of hospitals even thigh hid sibling had two babies by now and he had no problem being there for them. Me another matter. The women he loved with c. My doctors reached out till they had enough. He would leave me in be hospital waiting room for hours after a blood transfusion and my release and I was out of it. They saw how he ditched the appointments he made with them and rarely was reachable. Always on his watch never on the fact I was sick and they needed permission to do a y and z. They were concerned. I was too out of it. And here we are. Him having a fight with them. Me having had two major surgeries that left me out of it for a month and a half and the friends I had left completely shocked that he treated me horribly. But saw it. And I get out of the hospital and can’t reach him. I stopped reaching out. All my personal items were sent to him. So my electronics my photos of my friends I made through c who some have died some not some photos that was the only copy. My clothes. My dogs remains ( who passed while I was out of it of course he had no part of it), and everything that made the hospital a home. He now has. I would like them back. I would even like my phone back. Yes it was sent to him. Since I am short on money and still recovering I am in no shape of looking for another job. My week and a half here has been brutal. Really. He was sbusive. Emotionally not physically. Well sometimes he was so mean my body would have to throw up with all the stress. Right now my head just keeps popping things here and there. Like he left me two messages when I was unconscious. One panicked for me to call him back. The next the doctors were giving him slack. Which now I realized that was whenever they had questions about my health and would invite him in. That’s the last things I have. The last time we spoke was how much we loved each other and how sorry he was for taking me for granted and how he would never do that and life was precious and short and he loved me. And then I was rushed to the hospital. He never visited me while I was out of it. Never once called my friend and after the fight he had with the doctors he ignored them. Just like he ignored me. They asked for too much I guess. So that’s me. Trying to get enough sleep. Enough rest and trying to recover. I’m focusing on the good. Maybe now I can get a dog when I’m alright that I want. Not having to worry about his allergy problems? Or a cat? He hated my pets. Blamed it on his allergies. Never sneezed once. I think now it’s because I loved them and they loved me. They also needed to be looked after and he refused to help. I didn’t mind. I loved them. Maybe i could get a pet. Maybe now I can eat what I want? And right now it’s ok I’m not feeling well. It’s ok and I don’t have to hide I came out of the hospital. Money I’ll save. And my heart just breaks. Thank you for letting me share this and letting me know I’m not crazy. They are crazy. I’m learning that. In also learning that I should have walked away a lot sooner. Even if I loved him. It’s not ok of them doing anything they did to us. Oh the lies.
I for one, am heartbroken to read the above post by Bluelight. PLEASE take care of your own wants and needs as they are important right now. Get yourself that pet….we all need someone to love and that is very important in your mental and physical healing. They give you the unconditional love and strength to pursue a happy, healthy life sans your sociopath. Much love goes your way and keep us posted…please.
I’m so sorry Bluelight, your story breaks my heart as well. It makes me feel sick reading your words. You’re not crazy. None of us are. I too am just trying to get some sleep. And completely understand the stress vomiting, I’ve been doing that for the last couple of weeks. It’s horrible. Hopefully getting another doctor’s appointment tomorrow to get some more sleeping pills and help with finding a therapist. I discovered last night my ex actually stole my suitcase to make his getaway (like that’s the worst of his actions, but it still stung).He text me last night which I deleted without replying, but broke my own rules and found myself sifting through his now live again FB account. It’s all crazy-making and hurtful. The lies & secrets.
You just try and get some rest for now. And keep reading, I’ve found it a good distraction as I’ve been struggling to concentrate for any length of time and there is a lot of comfort to be taken from similar stories and similar experiences. Know that you’re not on your own. Sending you kind thoughts xx
Smallsteps,
The facebook is a trigger. Proceed with caution-or avoid at all costs!
Come here when you feel the need to peek on him.
🙂
I know. It’s just all so painful. Each morning I wake up and it’s still the same. I want it to be anything but this. Yesterday I found a photo on his FB that someone had taken of him sleeping in our bed. It wasn’t me. I know his ex wife had come to my house in August but this was dated months earlier. I don’t know if it was her or some other woman, but when I look around my flat I can’t believe some other woman would have come here and had sex with him. It’s a one bedroom apartment filled with feminine things!! What stories was he telling people so that they thought this was ok. I already know he didn’t give a shit about what was ok or not. When I found the photo I rang him. (breaking my own rules again)He didn’t answer but replied by text twice last night. Apologising for missing my call, saying his phone was on charge in another room asking if everything is ok, then another message saying he really hoped I was ok signed with an ‘x’. How can anything possibly be ok after everything he’s done? I’ve hardly slept again. Trying to stretch out my sleeping pills as I’ve only got a few left and it’s tricky getting an appointment. Luckily I got through this morning so have got a call back to discuss my prescription. Kitty – I hear you – it’s all the lies, and so many of them. He lied to everyone. And was totally delusional. Telling friends he was going to by a van and go on a road trip to Oslo. (with what money?) Telling people he was in the army (I now realise I’ve never seen a photo – why didn’t I notice things like this before). I wish so hard I didn’t miss him or that I could reconcile that the man I miss was a complete work of fiction.
The betrayal and cognitive dissonance is incredibly painful. On the one hand it helps you decide to move on and keep NC when you find out more about what he was really doing. On the other hand, it causes more pain to know the details. Consider not looking at his FB page and not accepting and reading his communications for awhile and see how you feel and if you’re sleeping better. You can always go back and look at FB and read emails and listen to messages later if you still want to. But you might find that you feel so much better not allowing him to continue to torture you, that you won’t want to any more. When I quit letting my ex Psychopath take my time and energy, other good things filled up my life. It’s not easy, but it’s so much better in time.
Anette,
This is so true.
I could have found stuff out, but I was already being tortured enough, and I think I saw enough deceit to last a long time!
Sometimes, it’s better to take what you already know and don’t look back. Find the strength to go no contact and breathe and process.
🙂
A co-worker had joked to me one day saying, it’s not right when it takes you longer to get out of the relationship then it did to get in it.
I’ll never forget that.
🙂
Amille2,
I am so sorry for what you went through with the sociopath. It hurts so bad to realize they have a secret life, another life that they keep from you.
I wish you peace and healing on your journey. Glad you found Love fraud, it’s a good place, and there is alot of wisdom and strength here.
Hang in there.
LF Familia….
Something divine just happened to me… and you the N/SocP was in my life it never would have happened. I am so happy right now I can hard sit down at my desk.
I just want you to all know THERE IS HOPE of being happy again… of reclaiming yourself… your talents.. your beauty without being afraid you will be punished and controlled for it….. and accused of nonsense.
I am a music therapist and Recreational Dir of a Nursing/Rehab Center.
Today being Cinco de Mayo… I hired a fabulous latino piano player and singer. Very talented and can play and sing anything.
Well I put on my head mic…. I had all my residents gathered in their wheelchairs in the Main Dining Room.
I asked him if it was okay if I performed with him. he prob thought I was nuts.
Well…. I sang… not just with him.. but solos. Besame Mucho, etc. Cole Porter, Rogers and Hammerstein, jazz you name it. I dance a bit for the residents also. He played the Macarena (Remember.. Cinco de Mayo).. I got the residents in their chairs to do it with me… I sang to them as I had a cordless head mic. Put on a real show.
This amazingly talented and well known musician out here…. said… you are so talented. you can sing anything and I can sing anything with you. You are beautiful and grab that audiences attention with your energy and talent. I think together… you, I and a percussionist could make a lot of money.
HE HAS ASKED ME PERFORM WITH HIM. Rehearse. Get gigs.
he has many gigs here…
If my N was in my life… this WOULD NEVER BE POSSIBLE.
I have tried to work with musicians before… and Jerry accused me of wanting to fuck them. Yeah… like 70 year old guys. Anyone with a penis. Even a priest once. I may have even been too nervous or afraid to have sung with this artist today. What if Jerry stopped in? What will he accuse me of or reply “Hmmmmm” to when I tell him I sang with another entertainer.
I feel this may have been a little miracle… or maybe because the dark/evil energy has blocked so much good out of my life…
now that it is gone……
GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO ME.
THANK YOU GOD.
Thank you LF.
Thank you my best friend in the world Nancy back home in Chicago.
How can I edit my post… so many typos cuz I am at work…
I cant believe this.
I want proof that my ex was fired from his Physical Therapy job at the Senior Community where I work… and was banned from the premesis. I have asked the PT company for a note or email to bring with me to RO hearing… they said NO.
I have contacted the Asst. Exec Dir. as well as the Exec Dir of the community… and they will not answer me.
SOOOOOO…. I wrote the VICE PRESIDENT of the entire very very well known senior home company. He sings y praises and says I am best Recreation Therapist they have.
He wrote back… and he is not sure there is anything they can do… but he will check it out!!!!!
WHAAAAAAAAAT? The do not want to help protect me from a man they threw off there property?
Love thy neighbor. I just do not understand.
I guess I could just tell the judge where he was banned from and why and give him name of the Exec. Dir who did the firing and banning… and then I am sure they will have to respond.
I am feeling physically ill…. but from this situation. he is supposed to be served today… but not sure if his county police where he works have received my RO.
My muscles ache. I am losing weight and people are worried. I am forcing down food… but my body is in hypometabolic mode from the fear and stress.
This was a really really dangerous and bad guy.
and yet….
my mind and heart…. are missing the man who lived with me 9 months. Trust me… if I had known these things… and much much more about him…. I would not have been in love with him in continued to date him or letl him stay with me when he broke his leg.
But now… I go home…. and the sweet, handsome, funny accommodating boyfriend who “was going to spend the rest of his life with me”…. who shared my couch and bed and little front porch… that now has his ashes all over it.
And loved loved loved my kitty cat and she loved him. She…. he even conned a cat.
I am almost crying in my office now. How the HELL am I grieving an evil, sociopathic, woman abusing criminal.. who was doing this to 6 of us women at once!?
Because that is not the man I miss. I did not know who that was…. he put on an entire masquerade for me. I lived with a man… crying to me while sharing certain love songs with me…who was actually plotting all along to use me for a place to live for free. and then when my landlord insisted three weeks ago.. that he has a background check run and he is put on my lease….
HE STARTED UP A NEW RELATIONSHIP…. TELLING HER SHE IS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.. MEGAN IS JUST A VERBAL AGREEMENT B/C I LIVE WITH HER…. AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON. And of course.. giving her sex.. which makes us women bond.
WHY IS THIS NOT A PROSECUTABLE CRIME?
Talk about falsely impersonating a person.
putting my health at risk.
robbing me of money…. under lie of getting married and he will help me when he get another Physical Therapy job and will pay most of our bills for the rest of his life.
I FEEL SICK.
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.
I MISS A GHOST. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME PROCESS THIS FACT?
mISSING A MAN who never existed… but we cried together. shared our lives and pasts and holidays..and bodies…
my mind cant make sense of it…. and how do I grieve a poser?
love to you all.
keep me in your prayers. he may get served today….
kitty
I’ve been reading all the posts made recently and I hear all of you. I am also sending you good thoughts for the hearing. I shake my head at the thought that it’s us. The women who loved them with all our hearts that have to suffer while they don’t think twice about us. Like they aren’t doing anything wrong. Remember we’re all there with you behind you today. As for not getting any proof why am I not surprised this bs is going on to protect him. May a lawyer be able to find a record of employment? Tax returns anything to prove he is no longer employed there? Maybe they just won’t give it to you. I’m sure you thought of that though.
As for the families. I used to send his parents Christmas cards, AND presents. As well as when I was in and out of the hospital I had my friends get his sibling “congratulation on the new baby!” For the new baby being born. ( twice). Needless to say I only saw them one christmas. The first one. The next ones that’s when the silent treatments would ensue and I was so hurt I never bothered to call them. Also I was banned to calling his parents house number. Just his cell. Although I can tell you this much. He took he gifts. He then told me they said thank you. Brought Christmas cookies with him saying it was from his mom ( when the silent treatment was over. Usually after Boxing Day with the promise of Maybe next year I’ll be ready to be with a real family). Even though I loved Christmas growing up. I am a Christmas buff. With the lights decorations and snow. And every year he’d make ” plans” and boom silent treatment. When I would talk to his parents in the early years it was always ” oh why didn’t you come? We missed you ” or ” we’d have to have you around”. It never matched him. So at first I never wanted to pressure. I wanted him to think I was “ready”. Needless to say every year it was the same. We’d always have Christmas ” late” which was enchanting gifts. Gifts that he would like. Nothing for me. Seriously. I’m an open minded women who doesn’t drive. What would I do with something for a car?
In any case I was happy to be thought of. Even though I would spend a small fortune on him. Then the Christmases we wouldn’t celebrate. This one I was in the hospital that week so when i came out it was already too late. All I got was an email how much he missed me loved me and can’t wait to celebrate our Christmas together. So I didn’t have one. Just with nurses. Needless to say these people come in all sorts I am beginning to see that. My friend calls him “degenerate”. Which on the outside I think it’s true. They have a shell but I am still mourning the fact it wasn’t true and he could have probably was cheating all along on me. I have searched but he’s a computer person so he’s covered his tracks well. All I can see is some names. Some I recognize some I don’t. Don’t know the connection. Which hurts. I am here thinking I’ve let him live with me whenever he wanted shared my life and soul with him and I was never good enough to meet them. I’m thinking he didn’t want me to meet them so I would talk. He had two lives seperate or maybe three or four. Now he only has one. Easy peasy. What hurts the most is why ? Why wasn’t i ” ready”? Why wasn’t I on that list. I loved him so much. Would do absolutely anything and I’m not there. He hid that from me. It all is painful and I’m trying to wrap my head around it but I don’t know how. Reading love fraud the book and what’s sick is the references she used. The quote texts. He’s said. Over and over. All I can say is take it from someone who doesn’t know and can not see. It hurts a lot. It doesn’t hurt any less. I wish I could see i wish I could piece the pieces because then I would think I would have a clear picture of what was done to me so I can recognize the signs for the future. I don’t know the signs. I don’t want to be blind anymore. My sleeping is not long. Full of nightmares and I wake up and he isn’t here. I want to call him and say ” I’m out of the hospital!” But he won’t answer because of the silent treatment. What kills me the most is I want my stuff. The stuff the hospital sent. It was valuable and irreplaceable. He has my dog. Well the remains. Yeah my friends thought I’d feel better with that around when I woke up I thought it was painful and just weird/odd but it helped while I was in the hospital healing. All of this hurts so bad. To know none of the good stuff was true. The families know I have no doubt something is going wrong. But they will always trust their sons and daughters. Someone told me and it’s true. When I was first diagnosed I went to his parents house. Just showed up. Texted him first and he suddenly left his parents said. They invited me in for tea. They had so many questions. Since this was him giving me a silent treatment and I had enough and was my second attempt to get out of the silent treatment I decided to do that. Any case his parents had a lot to ask. But they also shared come to think of it they were told a lot that never happened. They were confused and told me their son didn’t talk a lot and getting anything from him is like pulling teeth. I bet he is still pretending something with them because his father when I called this time had the same attitude. There’s something there and I can’t put my finger on it. It’s true. Would his parents say he was cheating just like why wouldn’t they tell the wife they were getting presents from another women. All of this is nuts. Respect people. Sigh. How do you mourn or accept someone that never existed. My heart aches to reach out. But this silent treatment is killing me. Never thought I’d be here again. I kept telling myself it’s ok. No one deserves this. The lies. The cheating. The masquerading. The only positive is I woke up. I’m not a follower anymore I’m not too stupid. But why do I still long to be on that list and have him love me? Ahh.
Getting up and going to sit outside for a bit. I just want to say to all of the LF women. You are beautiful. Inside and out. These men are scum. Thank you for your support. Sharing. It’s unfortunate ( thus word doesn’t do it justice) we were volunteered. But the positive is here. This site. You guys. So thank you. ( Trying to look at at least one positive and roll with it). Thinking of all of you. Please continue to share. Whatever you find out.
Blue,
I am so sorry that you’ve suffered so much for so long. The simple reason is because he is a bad man. You didn’t deserve nor cause any of it.
There are signs of sociopaths, sometimes called red flags, that you can read up on. I didn’t know about disordered people and I overlooked the signs.
Some old fashioned wisdom is one lie could be a misunderstanding, the second could be a mistake, the third is a pattern of behavior.
Prayers continue for your safety, well being, and recovery. You are under an unbelievable amount of stress right now. Is there a way you could stay with an old friend or family member for a couple of days.
Were you able to get an attorney to help you? An attorney would know the type of evidence and the facts relevant to the RO hearing. Did you find the meeting with the DV Center people helpful?
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2015/04/27/your-brain-on-love-and-the-narcissist-the-addiction-to-bonding-with-our-abusers/
I cannot believe I chose to allow someone to do this to me.
love you all.
I think you probably did not allow him to do that to you. I think he probably worked very hard and told a lot of lies to trick you into letting him exploit you.
I think you are doing a very good job of getting rid of him and NOT allowing him to harm you any more when you came to understand he was harming you.
Some things are out of our control. Even when we do our best, we can’t control everything and everyone.
Kitty,
Congatulations to you!!!!!
That is awesome!!
Many Blessings in moving forward in peace and joy!!
My focus now? MUSIC. The pianist just stopped by to get my demo cd. He is showing it to his Agent who is a bigshot… and wants to make me part of his program. A duo or trio with percussionist!
Focus… doing well at my job.
my health
my kitty cat.
I will just have to redirect my thoughts….
the hell with some loser, lying mooch who preys and lonely, sad, vulnerable women b/c even though he makes 70,,000 a year at the Fire Dept. (You know.. those men who serve and PROTECT)… he cannot pay his bills or get his own place to live… or go to a dentist or help his son with college…
This is excellent news! Yes. Focus on music. I hope all goes well and things turn out good with the demo! Ah. You put a smile on my face. I’m happy over here. Ah!
I am so happy for you!
Remember to be cautious with new people you’re meeting. Don’t trust too much too soon. Keep a wary attitude until people have earned your trust, in business or any other type of interaction.
You got in Annette.
Good advice AnnettePK!
Joy!!!
Awesome! I received text today from him…..promptly deleted… Felt good….really good…thank you all
Congrats Amille2 on taking your power back!!!! 😉
Congratulations! No contact. 🙂
You’re doing good. Yes take your power back! That’s what these have been trying to do to us. Feeding on our power to make their egos feel better. Keep it up!