Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “amille2.”
When my boyfriend……….or should I say the man I thought was my boyfriend………..walked out the door a couple of days ago, I told him I felt like I had been sucker punched. He replied, “No, you haven’t” and shut the door.
Just two days before that, I read his wife/girlfriend?’s grandmother’s obituary whereby he was listed as the husband/significant other.
The physical jolt that went through my body was immense ……….. followed by the sound of every lie I had been told for the past 5 years clicking open in front of me to see ……….. really see this time. Then they all came crashing down at my feet ………. taking my heart and part of my soul with them.
The absolute depth of the deception is too much to comprehend right now. Surreal really. We aren’t talking “I’m staying in tonight and you find out later he went out with his friends” kind of lies. I’m talking about the foundation …….. from the first encounter …… and every single day thereafter.
He suffered a head injury in the military. It meant that every day he woke up with a headache ……… that gradually became worse as the day went on. It affected his short-term memory ………….. but not long term. He had PTSD. He was in counseling because of his severe anxiety about having people in his house. He was a recovering meth addict from the meds given for his head pain ……. And while I knew acquaintances that confirmed the head injury ……. and I did see some anti anxiety meds prescribed by the VA. I will not even try and guess the real story.
All of this meant, of course that I could only see him during the day. As I worked from home, I would gleefully take a long lunch and make up the work later in the evenings or weekends. Besides, I could not see him during those times because he was either home resting from the migraine or busy with his daughter.
I was at his house one time …….. anything feminine was attributed to his daughter. Met his parents and brothers once in passing …… not one of his friends …. though he talked to them often about me, he said. He asked me not to mail anything to his house. It seems his last girlfriend tried to come between him and his son. To this day, his son is so traumatized by it, he doesn’t let his son know when he is seeing someone. After his son moved out, I still couldn’t mail anything because his anxiety of having people in the house was spilling over to even having mail delivered. We did take a couple of weekend trips …. but they were short and he was always in a hurry to return. Holidays were celebrated before or after the actual day. I didn’t really mind as I have two children, parents, cousins, etc. that I all wanted to nest with. I cherish this family time and I liked not having to worry about whether or not he was entertained or bored by family stories. It worked out rather well, didn’t it?
As I continue to pick through the rubble of lies in front of me, I’m dismayed as to how careless and stupid I was with my soul. How easily I dismissed all the odd stories; the fact that every ex girlfriend tried to control him and I should avoid them at all costs; the lies about things that didn’t need to be lies; the grandiose explanation when he ended up going to a friend’s wedding without me; the victimization he faced throughout his childhood and marriage; how we never went anyplace significant in the local area together; how I couldn’t even walk up to his front door for a quick kiss because he was too anxious to handle that; and his fascination with porn …. more than I probably can imagine.
Of course, I didn’t have the benefit of receiving all of this information at one time. It all accumulated slowly …….. like the proverbial frog in boiling water. Each new inconsistency was built upon the last and could be easily explained ……….. or at least I thought it could.
I knew all along that something wasn’t right. This was not even close to a normal relationship.
I stayed because he was handsome and charming. He showered me with gifts and proclamations of love. He sent flowers and wrote the most beautiful letters, cards and emails. He text me several times a day telling me how much he missed me. He endeared himself to my children. He fixed things at my parent’s house. He never once said anything unkind or asked for money. I was always beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and giving. We had a great sex life. Lots of sex.
I will say that the last 6 months my soul has been trying to wake me up. I was putting distance between us. Told him I had many conference calls or activities with the kids. I was starting to see glimpses through the mask. One of our last conversations he told me that he saw me as his future. My first thought was that I didn’t believe him; my second was that I didn’t feel the same.
Yet here I sit. Knowing that I traded part of my heart and part of my soul to feel love and security. Knowing that someday it was going to haunt me …… but never truly knowing why and to the extent. Devasted to realize I traded myself for nothing in return.
Discovering his double life is painful. Realizing I meant nothing to him. The cards, the gestures, the words ……… all empty. I had the strength to politely tell him that I was depleted. That he had to go. I didn’t cry, beg, get angry or ask him why. It would have been a waste of what little I have left of me now. I’m constantly anxious and afraid he will return to try and convince me that I’m wrong about him. He claims his ex girlfriend planted the obit because she is still stalking him after all this time. That he’d be happy to have me go to one of his therapy sessions with him. That he knows that he needs to work on himself …….. that his issues cause me to doubt him …… and if he changed, would I take him back?
I am so glad I found your website and book. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I’m trying not to replay every conversation in my head over and over again. I’m trying to understand that this man is no longer in my life. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the irony that his last words to me were actually the truth.
After 30 years with a sociopath, she’s now having the time of her life
Hi everyone. He was never real. Nothing about him.
some other women and I have contacted one another and shared stories. we are all so grateful to be reached out to and informed.
He was trying to move in with everyone.
HE WAS HAVING SEX AND TELLING ABOUT 6 or 7 women.. at the same time…
that he was single and wanted to be exclusive with us.
I happened to be the unlucky one… the one he broke his leg with while ice skating. he said he could not stay at his place alone to heal.. and that he could not afford his apartment on light duty… or off from the fire dept for his leg…and I fell for it. he said he was glad he broke his leg. to slow down and think.. and to stop running away from me.. which he did often. this is a scary and dangerous dude. he even had sex in the fire house.
he might be served with the restraining order tomorrow and I am nervous. I do not want to see him at hearing. not fair I have to see him… BUT I MUST DO THIS.. as I wish a woman had done before me.
goodnight
How can I miss a man who did not exist? NOTHING HE SAID WAS REAL. NOTHING.
NOTHING.
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sandra-says
This article explains why we grieve for the faked relationship, and why it’s still a real loss. It helped me to understand. I hope there’s something there that can help you.
thank you Annette and it is helpful.
I need support.
So all of these women… he has sexually skyped with us from fire station.
had sex with us at fire station.
has shown videos of us having sex with him or naked shots (we all thought we were his one and only)
at bars in the same town where he is a worshipped and trusted member of the fire dept.
I have informed the Fire Chief of this. I have forwarded her proof. emails. photos. chats with him sexually from the fire station computer. all these things are cause for termination.
The Fire Chief emailed me just now…
Megan,
Jerry was served the proper paperwork for the restraining order in my office yesterday.
that was it.
that was all she wrote.
she is the fire chief.
are they going to have all this proof…. and allow him to stay on at the Fire Dept?
I feel sick and I am so anxious at work.
How can they believe his lies?
I have restraining order hearing on MOnday! I do not want to see him you guys. I have no one to go with me as of yet.
Have any of you been to an RO hearing where you filed and had to see the spath? Can you give me advice? Can you tell me what it is like?
Please……
thanks for all.
Kitty,
Was the Domestic Violence shelter any help? Have you considered getting an attorney yet?
It varies, but there is a lot of injustice in the world, especially when it comes to spaths, women, children, people with less money, education and other resources. I experienced a lot of injustice and hypocrisy when my ex spath’s activities were revealed.
Sadly, many victims are revictimized when trying to deal with the aftermath. It is extremely difficult, but justice is rare in this lifetime.
It may be helpful for you to expect that justice will not be done and he will keep on doing what he’s always done.
You are doing what is right in reporting him, but once you’ve done your part, it’s out of your control. A wise woman at church advised me to stop trying to tell the ministry about the psychopath’s activities, after a couple of years of me reporting him and nothing being done. She was right. I’d done all I could do; it was time to leave it in God’s hands.
The most important thing is your safety and your healing. It may be that you are safer if he’s not fired. It also may be that once you have reported him, the Fire Chief will take whatever action she thinks is best – either fire him, discipline him, suspend him, or just talk to him. She probably will not report back to you what comes of it. Also keep in mind that he may have preempted you by telling the Fire Chief you’re a bitter ex who has a history of telling lies about your ex’s to get them fired, or something similar to discredit you. Or the Chief may be having sex with him, too. Who knows? You’ve done your part for now.
It is also possible that you are safer if he doesn’t lose his job. The last thing you want is a psychopathic ex angry at you for getting him fired (the way he will see it) with nothing to do but figure out ways to get back at you by harming you.
A few months down the road you could look into going to someone higher up in the municipality or even the press, but for now you can use your energy to heal.
You wrote that you felt like you’d been raped. You have been. We all have been. None of us would have consented if we’d known the truth. And those of us who didn’t sleep with the spath were emotionally raped. The damage done to us – psychological, emotional, spiritual – is the same damage rape does.
I felt a lot better just talking to a good lawyer about my situation even though nothing went to court. It helped me to have an expert who knows the system on my side advising me.
Such great words
Anette.
🙂
Good wishes for tomorrow. Remember that we all at LF are behind you cheering all the way.
I hope you got some good sleep. Prayers that the restraining order court appearance goes ok. Be prepared to feel emotional and triggered during that process and seeing your ex. Be prepared for him to do or say just about anything.
Do you know for sure how he broke his leg? Ice skating might not have been the truth. Take everything with a grain of salt.
I was cleaning out drawers and found a thank you note from his mother. Being the good “girlfriend” I gave his parents Christmas gifts…..even tho I only met them once….
who did they think I was? A very generous friend? I am shocked that he gave them the gifts as i was the unknowing “other woman.” She wrote that she didn’t expect a gift. I bet not…
Therefore, I am left wondering….what of the families of the spath? Are they fooled too? Surely his behavior growing up was outside the norm? Or is it typical to be isolated from the spath’s family and friends regardless? Would his mother mention to his wife that another woman in his life is giving gifts?
I asked Donna this but curious to hear others’ experiences.
I’m still trying to make sense of all this…though I realize I’ll never fully understand.
Hi Amille2,
I’m wondering some if the same things at the moment. I met and stayed with his family on more than one occasion, including our first Christmas together. I too always brought gifts, biscuits chocolates etc as a thank you. Speciality sauces his father liked.
The last time we went to see them was in March when his older sister was also visiting and we met for the first time.
I’d like to think they didn’t know. I know at least two of his friends knew about his alternate life with me. It makes me sick.
Throw away that note. Stay strong x
My ex spath did all kinds of disordered inappropriate things to and with and using his family members. Some don’t recognize his disorder, some are disordered themselves, some go NC with the family spath. It varies.
It’s natural to wonder what in the world is going on in their family of origin; I tried to figure it out about my ex psychopaths family, , but never could come to any conclusions. I pray for them all from time to time, including the spath; it worked for me to turn it over to God and put my energy into other things.
There is a woman who has a son who murdered a girl. According to this mother her son was a sweet, affectionate, and lovely little boy who got on well with his family. He was loved. Then, somewhere in his teens he became difficult (like many of us). Then he started stealing. The family tried to counsel him and give him appropriate punishments for his misbehaviors.
He continued stealing, and eventually ended up murdering a girl over 10,000.00. Still the mother could not initially accept that he was incapable of change. She continued to put her energy into helping him change. He has spent MANY years in prison. He has not changed. It took years for his mother to recognize WHAT he is. She now petitions against his release at each of his parole hearings. However, HER mother still supports him and cannot believe that his own mother is so cruel and helps to keep him locked up. The grandmother gives him money and attention.
I think it is often the case that someone in the family see’s the truth, and the other’s refuse.
I have seen other families who do everything to continue to try and normalize the disordered person’s behavior. They NEVER get it. They often idolize the perpetrator. They aid them for their entire lives. They accept the lies. I imagine this makes the actual lives of these family members very strange and limited. Lots of weird compartmentalizing would have to go on.
There are quite a few folks here on LF who have disordered children. Their stories of awakening are heartbreaking”.
Amille2,
I just read this whole thread and decided to respond to one of your posts, that you wrote about midway through. You said you didn’t think he was a sociopath, after reading all of the posts. I think, basically, because he wasn’t cruel, bought nice things, was never mean, etc..
These folks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Just like the rest of us (only they are devastatingly destructive and hurtful). They can be VERY kind, sympathetic, thoughtful, and quiet even. They are also influenced by their unique genetic make-up, familial histories, and cultural backgrounds; just as we are. But it is key to remember that only a disordered individual will have issues with pathological and persistent histories of harming others, brought about by chronic deception and manipulation.
My grandfather, who had sex with his daughters, was soft spoken, laughed easily, worked hard, and always pitched in around the home. He brutalized his daughters, and attempted to do the same to most of the female grandchildren. Luckily he died of leukemia.
The person I dated was always kind. Funny. He was deeply spiritual. He has a HUGE following of folks who think of him as their spiritual guide. But he LIED, cheated, and deceived. Like you, I didn’t find out the full extent of his deception. But after our involvement ended MANY of his lies and betrayals became clearer. I also had a sense, prior to discovering his lies, where I knew something was dreadfully ‘off’. I ignored it. It wasn’t until after it was over that I found out the extent of his TOTAL deception.
No one agrees on what to call these folks. I call them character disordered, whether they are ‘narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines”.’. Doesn’t matter. Being character disordered, as an adult, means there is NO change possible. Not at this point. Maybe someday we will find a way to ‘help’ these types. For now we have no good therapies.
Glad you found your way to LF. It keeps getting better, as long as you maintain NO CONTACT. No FB, no sneaking around to gather facts, no texts, calls. Nothing. Cold turkey is best in these situations, because any contact, and talking to them is the WORST, just confuses and causes more conflict between our heads and our hearts.
Good luck to everyone here! There is life after betrayal. Keep reading and supporting.
Much love,
Slim
slimone… Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I’m in awe over how many people are willing to reach out and help. I have learned so much in such a short time. I cannot thank everyone enough.
The story with the woman who had a son who murdered made lots of sense. I can definitely see how someone might put their foot down;while others might enable…
My emotions have been all over the past week…although shock and disbelief over how much deception took place still seems to prevail….so I don’t think I am expressing myself correctly sometimes.
In other words, I believe he is a sociopath because I have no other explanation as to how someone could lie to me so profoundly and deeply…. About who they are. I have had people lie to me about what they did….or didn’t do….or what they thought about something…..but the whole relationship…. And I know I shouldn’t even call it that. ..was all lies….
I will admit I did gather a few more facts that he is living with someone else/married. I did so not to confront…. But because I need to see in black and white the truth. I have been fed so many lies, my brain wanted to discount what I found out and believe him instead.
I deleted a text from him yesterday and can promise I have made no efforts to contact him. I have nothing to say. I refuse to let him see my broken heart and soul.
I refuse to let him see that I’m bewildered as to how I am supposed to pick myself up and go on….without a brick wall around me.
amille2,
I did the same, for a bit. I checked out some of my gut feelings, and got confirmation of what he was/is. Then I dropped it completely. I felt pain when I did some digging for facts, but I also felt validated. So it was kind of a toss up. I also felt like I was in NO WAY going to let him see me in distress. I felt it was NONE of his beeswax, and I wasn’t about to share my pain with him. Wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.
That feeling, of not wanting to waste one more minute, one more feeling, got stronger and stronger for me. Until, at some point, I could think of the whole story, not feel any pain, and instead feel immense gratitude for having ‘woken up’ and being free of the bonds of his (or anyone else’s) abuse.
That took quite a bit of time to come to….but it does come. It often feels like you will never get there, because the pain is so strong and so acute, the whole thing SO unbelievable.
It takes time to believe, accept, integrate, and overcome. Lovefraud was my lifeline. I didn’t post very much, but I learned so much from everyone it kept me safe and helped me put one emotional foot in front of the other. Again, I am glad you found your way here.
Much love and healing,
Slim
Thank you….yes, validation is what I am seeking…. For my own sake. I always suspected that his wife/girlfriend was still in the picture.I stuffed every doubt with every lie he told. I so wanted to believe him.
I stopped looking for proof after the obituary and a couple other references to her living at his address. No need to check anything else….who lies about a spouse in an obituary? He still denied her though. Even when I reminded him that he told me that he had to call her mother to get her to stop stalking him. If that was true….which it obviously wasn’t….then the mother certainly wouldn’t allow him to be listed as the husband.
With that said, the obit comes in handy when I start to miss him….or my mind starts with the “what if I am wrong….” There it is to remind….painful reminder yes….but at least I feel something….the numbness is a bit concerning.
Thank you again for the support…. Wisdom…..hope
great post Slim. I will be referring to this one often b/c I want to be where you are.
why am I putting energy into this freak?
b/c he robbed me for a year?
created a false bond?
conned my family and I?
is smearing my name…….?
is it b/c I am nervous for the hearing for the RO on monday morning?
I went to legal aide today.
a lawyer will call me tomorrow.
has anyone here ever filed an RO and gone alone… no lawyer or anything?
I CAN DO THIS.
then… put it behind me and let God/Kharma/The Universe take care of it…..
I wish one of you were with me monday. 🙂
Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds. Don’t carve a roadmap of pain into the sweet wrinkles on your face. Don’t lay in the quiet with your heart pounding like a trapped, frightened creature. For your own precious and beautiful life, and for those around you seek help or get out before it is too late. This is your wake-up call!
— Bryant McGill
Kitty,
That is AWESOME that paragraph!! So true so true. Words to live by.
Dangerous indeed!
I’m in Florida and off on Monday! Lolllll. Big state! Hahaaa
I also for some reason… feel for the other women he lies to… and goes back to… and pity plays… and seduces….
for some reason I want to tell them and save them. I want them to know the truth.
I want someone else to be saved where I was not.
Remembertoforget…..
I am in south fl.
Ft Laud area.
Kitty,
I would meet you at the courthouse for moral support, but I forgot I see my psych Monday!
I try to keep in mind that the ‘good’ traits are faked when they come from someone who lies, cheats, deceives, exploits, etc., because they are mutually exclusive characteristics.
For example they do ‘kind’ things so that people will think they are ‘kind’ so they can exploit others. Really being ‘kind’ means not harming others ever.
Yes, it greatly saddens old-timey compassionates like me to find it necessary to be wary of strangers. When I was young, so very long ago, life was so much kinder and friendlier. More Norman Rockwell-like!
Thank you for this post. It’s so very true. I never thought of it that way before.
Anette,
So true. When I first met him, he acted like some savior! I feed people, I help people. Please! After his masked slipped a few times, he wasn’t preaching that role to me anymore.
Now though, no doubt he is…back on fb crying out- how he always gets hurt. How he does the right things for the wrong people.
Rope em’ in!
Slimone thank you for sharing your insights. You are describing the exact subtypes that I have had to deal with. Because they present themselves as the opposite of what they truly are it boggles the mind. The cognitive dissonance we suffer is amplified as we begin to see glimpses into their true character because with a wave of their hand or a tear from their eye a veritable army of invalidators will fall all over themselves to shield their precious one from accountability. Just as you said, always kind, fun, entertaining, deeply spiritual, devoted to the ministry, ect., ON THE SURFACE. Once you see beyond the facade you come come to realize that all of these things are simply props to facilitate their true agenda to exploit others. This type of social predator who can keep all these resources available is deeply vested in maintaining the fraudulent image. Family can be incredibly useful as a front to throw the scent off of their vile double life. Basically anything good or appealing can and will be used to lure others in. The subtype that can play games to this level are a bit more advanced than your average spath. Because they choose their targets carefully and then have their arsenal of wicked tools to isolate, invalidate, slander, triangulate, ect, most of their targets tuck tail and run. Of course the feigning concern for you seals the deal for them when you leave. I’m sure they tear up and encourage their minions to pray for us no matter what terrible things WE DID TO THEM. After all we have to forgive. Insert projectile vomit !
4light,
Thank you for this…
today my mind is playing tricks on me, but it will pass…
So true 4light! There are those outright angry, loud, mean-spirited spaths, and then there are the ones that are truly cloaked in full costume and lifestyle.
I recently heard the spath I knew still tells people how amazing I was, how much he loved me, but it just ‘wasn’t meant to be’, that our lifestyles were too divergent, and that I wasn’t able to ’embrace’ his deep spiritual need to travel and spread the word (ie., be gone a lot, have sex with lots of women, not pay airfare or room and board, and party all night long). No, it wasn’t meant to be, but likely not in the way his minions are understanding it. It was confusing for a time, since he looked SO supportive, upbeat, kind, and inspiring.
I don’t really care what ‘they’ think any longer, good or bad (about me). I feel sorry they are wasting their time and energy being used by him, but that is a choice each of us has to make. Many of them are ‘abused’ by him too, but not too too much; not like being in a sexual relationship. They just try harder and harder to please him, and have him turn his attention in their direction. It is very sad, really.
In a way, and I know this sounds extreme, I feel glad I got SO close that I really GOT IT. I got that these people really exist. I got the red flags. I understood the repercussions for being involved with someone who is deeply disordered. I think being that up-close and personal really helped me wake up. Those people who live on the periphery often end up being like the guy who drags Dracula’s coffin around, slowly being drained of their personhood.
Slim,
Oooooh, good words,
Thank you!
I cant sleep. Just took med.. but like three hours too late. I have the ro hearing monday. saw legal aide today… not sure a lawyer can come with me mon, but they will give me advice on phone.
He is going to say I am lying. we all know it.
have I done the wrong thing in filing?
NOOOOOOOO.
I am just scared. He has come back five times. he always does. and he is crazy.
Try to catch a breath and have a good night sleep.
You are doing the right thing. You need to stand up for yourself. It doesn’t matter what he says. What he does. Even if he lies or shows up. Even if it’s not granted it has a paper trail. So if he does show up again then you can be guaranteed to get one eventually. Let’s hope however tha doesn’t happen but keep in mind it might.
This guy did awful things. If he didn’t you wouldn’t be this tormented. This worked up and in fear. Don’t let the nerves get to you. That’s all him. That’s how they condition us.
I hope the lawyer can show up Monday and at least can sit down with you and tell you what’s going to happen and what documentation you need to bring. Or at least let you know what to expect. Did the domestic violence center help at all?
You’re doing good. If you feel the need to protect yourself that’s because your gut is telling you something. Donnas books heavily point out to: Trust your gut.
Wishing good night. Sending you peaceful thoughts and strength.
Are you keeping a log of his stalking?
You know you can hire a lawyer to help you, which is almost always a better quality of representation than legal aid, because in most places the attorneys at legal aid don’t have the time to adequately help everyone who needs their assistance. Consider whether it’s worth it for you to hire one, even if you run up a credit card bill paying for it.
While intrinsically believing that we all ideally should seek and deserve justice, I sort of disagree with you all for several reasons: 1. the chances of legally winning against a psycho is very low and 2. prolonging a victim’s agony by having to prolong re-living life with a psycho is emotionally and financially draining, 3. this course of action could provoke deadly consequences to the victim. To increase her chances and time for healing, it is often more efficacious to cut one’s losses and turn tail and RUN from the perpetrator as far and as fast as one can. We all understandably seek vindication for the great harm done to us but is this reality? So what…it’ll only prove that we were harmed by a vicious psychopath, then what?
Sorry to say all of this for I’m a great believer in justice and spreading knowledge but not if it entails the sacrifice of s single, precious soul.
Good luck and wishes with your upcoming r.o. from all of us at the LF community!
thank you flica.
I do not have the money or the energy for a lawyer.
I want this behind me.
I want a papertrail so that if another women ever comes forward.. they will believe her.
I have spoken to 3 women he has abused and non of them reported it. Unreal.
Yes, it’s a matter of personal discernment, based on the particular facts and circumstances. Each must decide what’s best for herself, which is difficult because, like you point out, sometimes it doesn’t accomplish anything positive.
My heart and mind are playing tricks on me.
huge. what is wrong with me?
I am scared of the ro hearing.
I should not be.
I will just tell the truth… and maybe bring his bottle or risperdone…that he was on for psychotic feautures….j to prove this guy can be dangerous.
how did I get into this?
How was I so manipulated into this mad web of deceit and drama and evil?
I feel like eliza DoLittle in “My Fair Lady”
“I’m a good girl I am!”
said with a cockney accent
Court is intimidating for most people. It’s normal and natural that you feel fear and apprehension about it especially in the circumstances.
legal aide was no help. although I only made 21,000 last year.. I stated a job ONE MONTH AGO at 50,000 a year so now I do not qualify.
I just wrote a law firm we will see.
If not.. I just go. remain calm. tell the truth. say why I feel this ro is a necessity… and I also have his anti psyh med that he stopped taking three weeks ago…. he left it here b/c he is not gonna use it. causes ED sometimes and i guess he cant afford that now that he is on the prowl.
I am so disgusted with myself.
Im eating eating… but losing weight again.
I miss the person I thought he was… but I was just a place for him to stay and be taken care of from a broken leg… an then help him replace his car… and off he went… 7 months later… back to the bars and the “Ave” and the women and whatever else. It’s so wonderful that our firefighters are such outstanding members of society.
NO ONE WILL COME WITH ME TO MY RO HEARING. What the hell? NoT EVEN witnesses…. he is that intimidating.
Love they neighbor as myself? Maybe growing up in a loving catholic family was a bad thing. I learned to trust people. Love people. forgive people. And all too much.
Dear Kitty, How much I empathize with what you’re going through…the sad, lonely and difficult education in reality. But the harsh realization of what you’re gradually being confronted with, we’ve all been through and it is tough and unbelievable. EVERYONE deserts you and you realize you must go it alone, or slink away with all you really ever had….your own integrity. If you do get this r.o., keep in mind that there’s no going back; you must never see or contact your psycho again, even from a far. And the r.o. inherently could fire up his temper to the extent that you’re own life may be at risk. Many a woman in your shoes are “finished off” by their psycho’s coming to their workplace. Hopefully this will not happen to you but be very wary of all possibilities and know that we’re all behind you. Good luck!
I just read this and I’m discusted. None of thes other women wish to write letters to the court? I can understand flicka’s comments but come on. This is for safety.
My advice to you is call firms around you and hire a lawyer. Even for a day this way they will be able to defend you properly. He may show up with one and claim innocence. Also get cameras. Stick it above the doors, and and any windows he might have tried to break in before. That way if he tries you have undeniable proof.
This probably will anger him I know anytime I confronted mine it ticked him off- but he probably will turn this around and use it to say something’s wrong with you ( as many of them do).
Is he still contacting you? Is he still stalking you?
While again the world is a hard crude reality not everyone should do the hard stuff alone. Can a family member or friend accompany you for support? I don’t even live on the same continent, if I did I’d be there. I’m like you in the catholic beliefs. Your support one another. I really feel for you. Just reading this makes me angry. You are right though. In any case show up and tell the truth. Also try to make a list of all the expenses he used at your house while he stayed. ( food per week per month/ utilities/rent/heating/car+gas).
Kitty,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you know how RO court works where you live? I got a permanent restraining order where I live (in the U.S.) several years ago and we had to cross examine each other. It helped me to have things in writing and I stood my ground. I had a friend there for support so I could see her face while he was cross examining me. It was though. And he wasn’t even one of my spaths! I’m not brave enough to go there….I think you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Especially considering you’re in the early stages!
I agree with bluelight on the cameras. I have 2 on the outside of my house because of spath #1. He’s very covert in stalking but it helps give me a peace of mind if nothing else. They’re totally worth it!
I’m praying for you. Keep on staying strong. Even if the RO isn’t granted you’ve started a paper trail!
Court is intimidating for most people. It’s normal and natural that you feel fear and apprehension about it especially in the circumstances.
I’m not an attorney, and I hope you are able to find one to help you; but I think it’s best if you tell the court the things he has done to harm you that you know of first hand. Coming by uninvited, unwanted calls, physical abuse, threats, – things he said and did that harm and frighten you that create the need for the RO. If you have a record of dates and what he did. I think you can play threatening and abusive messages he left you for the court. I’m not sure, though, so hopefully you will have an attorney.
Is your counselor any help in dealing with all this?
Blue & Kitty,
Again, I’m not an attorney, but I think that the fact that he was living there and you were supporting him may create a complicated legal situation where he has a right to be there and it can create legal complications in trying to kick him out.
I think courts prefer that you stick to the legal points that have direct bearing on the matter at hand. It’s sad that you wasted money on him, but the court will look at it as your free choice. I suggest just presenting information as to why you need the RO.
An attorney might be able to determine whether these witnesses can be subpoenaed so that they have to appear and testify. It may not be needed. An attorney could help you get written testimony.
Kitty,
You got this!
I f I was near, I would go with you.
I had to get a RO on my ex husband (not the spath)many years ago.
I went alone. The courts and judges have heard it all. I didn’t have to say much. It was granted and the police came and physically removed him from our home. I did it alone and you can too.
They know. Just tell your story.
He put your health (risk of passing on STD’s )and finances at risk by cheating and mooching off you.
They will see that. Just stick to the facts. There may be a court liaison there to help you so go early. Don’t look at him. There are sheriff with guns there to protect you. He won’t pull any crap there or they will throw his ass in jail.
Hugs to you!!!!
Stronginthecity
The best payback to the sociopath and you as well, is to go NC with him and that he will see you’re capable of creating a happy life and goals sans him! Forget the money and broken promises; the fact that he makes you furious only serves to show him that he still has his “clutches” into you and further fuels his wickedness. Try to regain your former self by cresting your own happiness.
I think that’s right. I mean they did volunteer us because we filled them up and took care of them so now we have to take care of ourselves. I know for one I used to be so determined in school and in a career and just with life. Now I’m empty. Heart broken, in dispair and fighting cancer which is tough in itself. He really dismantled me. My hopes. My dreams. I think they all did that to us. I also think we deserved better and deserve better right now. Sigh.
Thanks for the article. It makes a lot of sense. I’m going to go put my Christmas tree back in its box. Yes. It’s may. But before I went in to the hospital last it was January, and he had promised me this year we’d do something as soon as work didn’t keep him busy. Or maybe I’ll make a feast and invite some friends over and have a late holiday dinner. We all deserve it right? I don’t know. I’ll have to ponder. Thank you guys. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and whatever I find out it can’t be worse than this right?
Have a good night everyone. Read that link. It does help!
Blue…thank you for your posts and support….I think you have more strength than you realize…..
Have your friends and feast…. You deserve to be happy.
Ah yes…the promises that we would be together “the next time.” And then finally he invited me to a wedding where I would meet his friends and be introduced as his girlfriend….. He was part of the wedding party. I was so excited!
Only it never happened. Two weeks before the wedding he claimed he and the groom had a fight and the groom kicked him out of the wedding party. We would not go after all. Oh but guess what? The day of the wedding, two of his friends that were also in the wedding came to his house and got him….it seems the groom had a change of heart!
Meanwhile, mine was broken. I told him I didn’t want to see him after that. He came over 2 days later crying saying he knew he hurt me…but it wasn’t his fault that the groom did what he did..he loved me….that he would make it up to me….”next time” I would be at his side.
I didn’t believe that story by the way…but I believed the “next time” …..that never came.
Amille2, thank you for your kind words.
I have to get enough courage to ask my friends. We’ll see what happens.
As for the wedding I hear you. Last spring he and I had a good time several months of “normality”, or me not questioning things and him liking that. We were going to go out for our anniversary. But when I called to see if he was ok by being late ( at this time I prepared a three course meal, and had everything ready even being dressed up and making everything to his liking) he accidentally answered the phone in the car. All I heard was him and a women’s voice. Then hung up.
I got a call back from him about an hr or so later. He forgot to tell me had a work thing. A guy at work that he had been talking about for months and how he thinks like me and we were like brother and sister from a different mother and how he really wants me to meet him, yada.. Well he was getting ready to go to his wedding. Sorry couldn’t make it. Hung up on me mid sentence.
A few days later he did what you described you got. It’s like they are a robot. Their sentences. Excuses. I’m learning it’s very very alarming.
I never got a happy anniversary needless to say. I spent it alone crying and saving the food for him for another time.
I’m sorry to hear you had to go through those promises. It really cuts deep. All of this. Because we believe it. How they sleep at night is astounding. Even now. I sit here and stare at the screen. I want my possessions. My photos of the people I made friends with in the hospital who actually were there for me. He has them. Why do that? Why if you’re with someone else do that? even if not. I read on here the stories of mistreatment. It’s clear they set us up to fall. And we do and they get a kick out of it. It’s evil. It really is evil. Is it wrong I want to write a letter to his parents and get my possessions back? My phone? My glasses. My pictures. My pets remains? He can keep the clothes. It’s the irreplaceables. The meaningful things. Or should I let that go? Why should I loose something else. Why should any of us? This should be a crime. There really should be a database of all these s.
I’m going to have a bubble bath and try to sleep some. I wish you all a good night and know I am grateful for all of you. You guys give me hope. Thank you for that post of the narc bonding. It clearly depicts what I’ve been feeling. Thank you Donna for this site and your books. It’s helping. Have a restful and good night to all of you.
I just woke up.. first. … oh… my life partner is gone. Not holding me…
then I felt GRATITUDE for my restraining order.
If I hadn’t filed one.. he’d WOULD be next to me… Lying and manipulating and using me all over again.
I have protectedy self and I’m grateful all of a sudden.
That’s a good way to feel; it’s good your thoughts are settling into gratitude and understanding that you are protecting yourself.
Your thoughts and feelings will probably be all over the place for awhile; until you recover from shock.
so the legal aide lawyer on phone… said do not bring print out of other women writing youllll telling you how he beat and burned and tortured them
so not talk about other women. to not label him a sociopath.
stick to the physical altercations. tell of a pattern. tell of why you feel it will happen again that you would like to protect yourself.
calm. no drama. if he flings my past… which he will… he knows I was in treatment for anorexia and PTSD…. he knows a woman with dementia filed a restraining order….and did ot show up and none of it was true…
he knows I was Baker acted when the above happened b/c it was by my own birthmother and I became homeless in one second.
none of that matters. I left office at 5:30…. he had been drinking… he held me against wall… with hand around my neck so I could not breathe and asked me who did I stop and see and who did I give a blowjob too?
he has pushed. shoved.
he was terminated from…. insert name of senior facility here… byt… insert name of exec dir here for
yelling at me in front of elderly residents and staff in the lobby.
blah blah blah….
I did not call cops.. b/c he reminds me that he has gotten over sometimes 20 speeding tickets a year b/c all the cops are his buddies as he is with the fire dept.
everytime he leaves me… and everytime after one of his episodes….. he comes back… a week or so later…. unannounced.. intoxicated and at all hhours o the night.
he has come to me as I am sleeping…. announced… I had accidentaly left my door open…. pulled my covers off…. screamed… why are you not answering your phone… are you fucking someone?
and then left to go to a strip club with his buddies as he and they informed me later.
again, intoxicated.
he has done this five times since last July. He alsostopped taking his risperdone… which helps him with paranoia and psychosis. I have the bottle if they need it.
falling asleep. happy mother’s day. thank you all for loving and nurturing and supporting me.
I will be calm. confident. stick to the facts. his pattern. I am not safe from this man and never will be unless you protect me. He will not risk losing his job.
Kitty,
It sounds like the advice you got from the legal aide lawyer over the phone is really good advice. It sounds like you have a handle on it; you’ve posted a good summary of your court plan here. Even though you’re under incredible stress, you’re in the midst of grief, and suffering PTSD, you’re thinking intelligently and clearly about this.
I think you’re doing an amazing job coping, and I think you have a lot to offer in relationships with friends, family, and maybe one day romantic, to people who deserve all the good and valuable things you have to give.
rereading this one. so helpful.
it is just so weird… he had wealthy chics after him.
I have nothing. A one bedroom rented apartment and a job as a music therapist at a Senior Community. he said that proved he loved me. He could be driving a Bentley and living in a 5 million dollar house with a rich widower who told him to quit his second job and she will support him.
If he said that he could be driving a Bentley and living in a $5M home with a rich widow…. it might be true or it might not be.
Anything spaths say has no value because it is random whether it happens to be true.
I am physically ill from this… and…
now that I am finding out just what a conartist he was.. just the amount of women he was screwing, lying to… loving, leaving and loving…. and looking for place to live.. I am very happy and grateful to be free, but….
WHY THE HELL AM I SAD?
It is like saying… oh…. your cancer is gone….
so I am depressed b/c the very thing that was kiling me is gone forever… and in fact… never was real in the first place?
WHY AM I SAD AND FEEL AS IF I HAVE BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK AND CANT MOVE.
I came home and collapsed at like 7:20…. slept til 10 when a friend called.
I am so grossed out that I was with such a disipicable person. A whore. no integrity. no loyalty to anyone.
I hate him so much now and I am not a hateful person and have never hated. but this was like being raped. for almost a year.. emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually, mentally.
and he is fine… back on “The Ave”…. drinking and screwing, targeting more women.
good night.
Kitty lover
Please don’t say that about yourself. You’re not. You loved a dispucabble person. That doesn’t make you bad or negative or any of what you wrote. I was about to log off and saw your day.
I’m glad you’re angry with him. Let it out. Just don’t let it out on yourself. You’ve had enough mistreatment.
You’re doing good.
Focus on that.
Be angry. But I think it’s about loving ourselves. The more in reading the more I’m learning how their games of manipulation addicts us. Two people posted links above about articles. Try reading them.
But please don’t call yourself names.
He’s an arse and I agree it’s not fair. It’s not fair how we are all here feeling runned over used broken and in dispair while these idiots run around town like nothing ever happened and people believe them. But they know how to work people.
All of this is sick. All of it. But please know you are not one word you called yourself. Not any of us are. If anything your comments and stories are helping me. So thank you. My list is kind, caring and a friend. So please sleep well my friend.
Oh……
and do not forget…
“Protecting and Serving” the same community on which he preys….
as a Firefighter/Paramedic!
that to me is the worst part.
It is the ultimate hypocrisy. Spaths often work as religious ministers and other jobs that imply trustworthiness and service.
As the mother of a grown psychopathic medical doctor-son, I can testify that psychotics are all around us, in ALL walks of life!
Kittylover,
Just adding my voice of support. I too was physically ill, and totally ‘sick at heart’ after the final discard. I don’t know about you, but I think the sadness comes from several directions.
Firstly, having sex creates huge amounts of bonding hormones, that help us create loving attachments to one another (unless you are disordered, then this mechanism is short circuited). When these, along with the high-energy stress hormones that kept us ‘on edge’, are suddenly CUT OFF our bodies and emotions go through serious adjustment. It does cause physical symptoms: insomnia, lack of appetite, emptiness, sweating, dry mouth, lethargy, fatigue. It also causes emotional symptoms like sadness, depression, and feelings of emptiness. It takes awhile for our bodies to come back into balance, for our ‘fight or flight’ neurological system to calm, for our love hormones (Oxytocin, dopamine, etc…) to start responding to ‘normal’ stimuli. But it will be balanced again, at some point.
Additionally, we start to grieve for our lost innocence. All of us believed that we were all created equal. This includes our desire to be loved, to please and care for others, to create intimacy and trust. THEN, whammo!, one of our deepest cultural/familial/religious/spiritual premises is BLOWN OUT the water. We find out that it isn’t true. Some people really can never be trusted or dealt with. This is an incredibly sad realization when it comes. We cannot be in the world any longer, and be innocent, and we don’t yet feel the wisdom that comes from the loss of this innocence, so we feel lost and sad and scared. We feel like we have lost some of the foundation of our belief system….and we have. It takes time to rebuild, and to become strong in our wisdom. But it does happen.
Hang in there sweetie….
Slim
Slim… your post means a lot to me.
You have hit the nail on the head.
AND I AM SOOOOO ANGRY AT MYSELF.
Trying not to me… this guy was good. Trust me.
But I recieved and I may share it with you all…
a good intentioned email from my best friend since I was 18 years old in 1988.
She is truthful and honest. But also… she got married in the mormon church at the age of 21… so not many sociopaths could target her.
But she does say something so interesting everybody—-
she says…
“WHY IS IT THAT I SAW ALL THE WAY FROM CHICAGO TO FLORIDA THAT THIS GUY WAS BAD NEWS A YEAR AGO?” And no matter what I said…. you took him back.
She is right.
but then again…
she was not the target.
or me… alone in a new state with no one and recovering from another trauma as well as anorexia and severe depression.
she is so right…..
but so wrong.
but she does say it is my fault b/c there were too many red flags and I believed his rationalizations.
Her comments to you are about her being right about him instead of about the horror he is and the pain you’re feeling. Maybe it’s because she lives a sheltered life and doesn’t relate to what you’re going through now. It doesn’t seem like she’s going to be a big source of support to you.
I gave up trying to explain my spath experience to most of my friends and acquaintances. Only a very few people really got it. I just told most people my ex psychopath had a porn addiction so I had to leave him. You may find yourself summarizing it to people as “he cheated so I had to break up,” and leave it at that.
It’s true. Today I invited some friends for a holiday dinner for this weekend. I agree with your advice. Some thought it was a great idea while two needed further explaination. I actually got into a big disagreement with one. Expecting me not to have been harmed or hurt or sad and I was frowned upon when I told him a bit of emotions I’ve been going through since the release of my hospital. He said that everyone saw that he never talked and never was there for me that I should be elated and not broken and shouldn’t have a need to throw a holiday themed supper for friends.
People don’t get it. I’m seeing that. I loved him for more than a third of my life. Being discarded no explaination it’s hard. I’ve been crying over here.
If I knew he was cheating it would hurt but at least I’d have a conclusions reason as to why. But I feel like I was nothing to him and that’s very very hard right now.
Feeling broken right now and I’m not going to lie but my heart wishes I could call him and hear his voice or at least an explaination. But that’s the pattern with him. He does bad silent treatment and he comes back. Excuses. Some good times and Repeat. I didn’t call him.
As for the court hearing do not go without a lawyer. That’s my opinion. Go with a lawyer! This way he will not be prepared. Show the lawyer what you gave the boss, as some proof and any other proof. Do you have friends as witnesses? If so get they to go or write letters on your behalf.
He will look for vulnerabilities and use them against you. Remember that’s what they did to all of us. Lawyers should be prepared for this even legal aid ones. The should be able to recognize the signs.
If I lived in your state I would accompany you.
Slim thank you for your posts. Very enlightening.
Kittylover,
I also had people tell me they saw it coming from a mile away (or farther!). It feels shaming now, though I am sure your friend probably didn’t mean to shame you. At some point it won’t feel that way”..
It is true though that these people were not the targets. Unless they have been targeted in the past, or are highly knowledgeable about sociopaths, there is NO WAY they can possibly understand what any of us have been through, and how much shame, sadness, anger, and confusion we get left with.
And when they don’t understand we feel that much more ashamed. Try not to. There is no shame in being tricked, lied to, and betrayed. The shame belongs to the abuser, not you. Being angry at ourselves is part of moving forward. Feeling bad for not ‘being there’ for ourselves is also part of moving forward. These feelings help us correct our course. Feeling shamed is not particularly helpful”.that shame is what is left for us to deal with, because our abuser refuses to feel it. Best we don’t take on something that is not ours. As best we can”.
I have been told that the ONLY legal benefit of an r.o. or “paper trail” is possibly pointing the authorities to look into the possibility of the psychotics guilt AFTER their dastardly deed has been done. I fear that it will only fuel the determination and hatred of the psychotic, which can be deadly.
Hi all,
I am new to this forum, I am EXTREMELY DESPERATE and NEED YOUR HELP.
I am married to a same sex guy, I was abused physically, verbally and financially, I lost most of my life savings with him.
He fits the profile of a Sociopath perfectly, I was betrayed and lied. He took very bad revenge when I left him. He stole my hotmail and facebook contacts cause he had my passwords. He emailed several people around me, he told my Mom and nephew I was gay.
It’s been pretty bad to the point I was searching for ways to kill myself, but I preferred to be a survivor as I found out forums like this.
I never had closure and I will never have.
I am very depressed and cry frequently.
Having NO CONTACT is extremely difficult because I love him, but I know I love the illusion instead.
PLEASE HELP ME, I AM DESPERATE, VERY DESPERATE, MY FRIENDS ARE TIRED OF MY STORIES AND JUST THINK “YOU SHOULD JUST MOVE ON”.
DONNA: YOU ARE SAVING LIVES WITH THIS WEBSITE, THANK YOU…
Hi PaulAU,
You’ve come to the right place. You’re not alone.
I’m at the beginning of my 2nd week without my ex and the pain is raw and desperate.
Have you been to see a doctor about getting help? My GP gave me sleeping tablets (which have helped a bit, 4hrs is better than none) a low dose antidepressant and has helped with referrals to therapists so I can talk this through with a professional.
It will be hard for your friends to be empathetic, because they haven’t lived through your situation and breaking up with a sociopath / narcissist just isn’t the same as the end of a normal relationship. You’ve been abused. You’ve been betrayed. I’ve been reading as much as I can about narcissistic relationships and have found this site and all the lovely people on this forum to be full of kindness and good advice. All the reading has been helpful in sorting out the puzzle of whys and what ifs in my head. I found one book called When Love is a Lie which was a good starting point, it’s how I ended up on this site.
I’m sorry this terrible man has come into your life and made you feel this way, but you’re not alone. We’re all going through these things together. We’ll get you through this. x
I am on week 2 as well. I cant seem to move past the surreal and bewilderment stage.
He never loved me at all during the past 5 years? Why did he spend so much time with me? Why was he so generous with gifts? Why did he take the time to fix so many things at my parent’s house? Rewire my brother’s living room and kitchen? Send so many cards and flowers?
The whole time it was a lie. I mean nothing to him. I was just a sex toy. I was the other woman. His military reunions with the guys were actually trips with his wife. His anxieties and pain were elaborate deceptions.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around all this. I keep trying to let it go. And then another lie screams out during the day….or in my sleep. There are so many that it frightens me.
No contact is empowering. It isn’t easy.However it gives me back some of my self respect. If I can’t get past my shame, I can at least distance myself from the root cause.
Hi Amille2,
I’m asking myself those same questions. It’s all so hurtful and cruel and confusing.
Why did he move in with me? Be so kind and loving? Invite me to meet his family on many occasions. All of my ex’s Rugby weekends were the same, opportunities to see his wife and another woman. I had no clue. He invited her to our flat on more than one occasion. They went sightseeing together while I was away working! All the while sharing my life and planning our future and telling me I was his ‘one’.
The lies are tormenting me. Lies about everything and nothing so he could keep his dual lives. I can’t even cry anymore I just feel numb. (Perhaps that’s the antidepressants finally kicking in). I just want it all to be a dream. I’m really struggling with no contact today. His last message came on Thursday and I haven’t replied. It won’t help, but I want it to.
I keep turning my phone off but then I turn it back on again. I’m saying positive affirmations and reading and praying for sleep.
Let’s just get through today for now, hey? x
I am taking a ten minute break from a Mother’s Day Brunch where I am playing piano.
I have come to my office… and get on LF..
and once again I begin reading a post and LITERALLY think it is one I must have written!
Small Steps…. we are in the same boat.
No contact and you will see more clearly and recover.
Filing a restraining order has not only helped to protect my physically….
but emotionally. spiritually. financially.
he can no longer come crying and look so real.. and hold my hand.. and tell me the others mean nothing and keeps leaving me b/c he is scared I will leave him.
But… one reason I have taken a piano break is I am overwhelmed with sadness.
I walked into a private dining room that an individual family had reserved just for themselves.
The daughter of one of my residents.. about 60 years old and well established here came up to me… put her arm around me and announced to the room of her relatives… “Attention everyone. This Is Megan you have heard about. The most talented person I think I have ever met.”
She told me my singing was angelic and my creative movement for these low functioning residents made her cry.
I said, “Thank you.. I will be playing piano in the dining room at 1:30.”
She yelled, “YOU PLAY PIANO TOO?”
So I should be happy right?
Yeah… I am so talented and pretty and smart and compassionate with the residents.
One family member calls me, “The Elder Whisperer”
and was just taken for a ride b/c of those things.
I am playing piano… and just two weeks ago… I was playing for my spath as he relaxed and smoked on my porch or lay on my couch. He loved when I played… and would listen forever.
The last time I played, he said that he could not wait until we had our own place… with a piano and he would cook while I am playing and his kids would be over.
He told me constantly… that I was one of the most beautiful, intelligent and talented people he has ever met.
thing is.. he was not lying. The Lord has blessed me.
but with these gifts… came a high sensitivity and vulnerability.
My father.. an Administrator who is all logic (I am adopted… and that is another story..)… used to say that it seemed I only used my right brain. I was a very artistic child. Ask me how to get to a classroom and I was lost!
So… I just wasted.. wasted… 8 months entertaining and sharing my talents and time and love and body and money and future and apartment and car (his go repossessed) and parents and dreams and holidays… WITH SOMEONE WHO DID NOT DESERVE IT… BUT HE WAS LYING SO DRASTICALLY… that how was I to know?
I feel raped.
and now I am 45… being told how talented and etc I am…..
alone on Mother’s day.
messed up
Kitty,
I’m sure it’s a bittersweet Mother’s Day considering what you’re going through, but it sounds like a good Mothers otherwise. Your music is making people happy on this special day. You are appreciated in that way.
I hope you can enjoy that aspect of it.
Amille2, your welcome. So glad you found LF and also that you had the strength to tell your story to us. I was the same way…once my new individual counselor told me who my h was (then h) I was DONE right then and there…that was my closure on leaving him and never looking back.
The divorce was hell & his smear campaign that he started from day one of the marriage was heart breaking because I am a straight and narrow honest person so who knows what lies he told…but in the end I know the truth and so does God and that is all the matters.
What all of these evil sociopaths did not count on, was all of their victims supporting and lifting each other up during the healing process.
Amille2, I just wanted to add that sociopaths have many victims at one time…each victim is giving the sociopath something that either the sociopath can not gain on his own or something they want right then and there…but most importantly they are giving the sociopath power & control over their victims this is the ultimate goal of theirs.
ie for me I had a high paying job and he needed his mortgage paid for then I became the “cover” for his secret life to make him appear “normal”…his countless mistresses were used for sex, maybe they had money to buy him things, or business connections & also he travelled with them on business so it was sex & not being alone while on the road.
There is a term call “sociopath madonna & whore complex” (google) the mistresses are usually used for sex that the sociopath want but knows the wife will become suspicious about their thought process or the wife will not engage in that type of sex so they find someone who they can manipulate into having the type of sex they want. PLEASE know I am not trying to make you feel bad I just want you to know this term so you fully understand how evil they really are and how sick & twisted their thought process really is.
Do a search at the top of LF & Google these terms also:
sociopath pity play
gas lighting abuse
Amille2, it’s normal what you are going through emotionally after leaving a sociapoth (sadly). Took me three weeks to comprehend & sink in that my h (now ex) had no conscience after my therapist told me who my h was….even though I knew he had all the traits of a sociopath I just could not get my mind around the fact that some people on this planet have no conscience and I was married to one. So crazy!!
Let your brain sort things out, keep reading when you are “bewildered” it will open up your mind each day you do from his brain washing.
He loved bombed your WHOLE family!!
He was setting you all up for his con game….he wanted your family to believe that he was a good guy so that if you started to tell them that he was not a “good guy” they would not believe you & he was most likely going to start the triangulation stage against you & your family to isolate you from them. These guys have a plan in mind from the very beginning. They have played their con game many many times his wife & her family were played too. That is how he knows his con games work for sure on your family/you.
No contact is the ONLY way to get back your life…glad you know this, yes it is hard to do. When you feel like you want to contact him come here and vent it will help you to end that urge.
PLease have no shame in what happened to you…you were conned by a con artist into a game you had know idea you were playing.
When I caught my husband in his first affair he told me it was his mistress that went after him and then proceeded to triangulate (google) me against her…guess what his manipulative words worked on BOTH of us. He was telling me he never loved her while all along he was telling her he loved her and not me. This is what they do to prevent the wife from contacting the mistress and mistress from contacting wife with the truth = they are were having an affair. She was his co worker and would invite me down for lunch with HER/him…crazy game he played on both of us (before I had proof of their affair).
He begged me to stay crying, sobbing, “I will change” etc etc all manipulative lies when I finally had proof…sadly I stayed another 7 years even the marriage counselor was conned by him and the hell got worse…when I finally crawled away from him he had 3 mistresses in two different states!! I told my counselor that I though he had 8 to 12 affairs looking back during our marriage she told me that it was more like 3 to 4 times that amount as this is what sociopaths do they are serial cheaters. Very sad that I lived in a marriage with a man who did not care about me or any of the women that he was with…just like Tiger Woods secret life. Thank God I escaped & the same for you hon.
For me I forgave myself for staying his wife when I wanted to leave him everyday…he got his friends involved after his first affair to convince me to stay…I was so brain washed at that time they did not have to say much.
I want you to know as a (ex)wife of a sociopath you should have no shame in what happened to you…you were sucked into a married guys con game with his manipulative words.
Learn how you got sucked in & how to avoid it again by educating yourself fully…remember there are a lot of married guys who cheat/lie/abuse all women in their lives and are looking for a target everyday. Education is the only way to spot a bad guy.
78% of divorces are filed by the wife…think about that 78% of wives are sick of their husbands…be picky when you meet a guy and ask yourself what is wrong with this guy…interview him like you are interviewing a prospective employee in a job interview & follow your gut the first day. And listen to exactly what he is saying not what you want him to say…this is what we all should have done with the sociopath.
YOU are going to get through this very difficult time in your life…you are going to be stronger…you are going to find your voice and you are going to know exactly when to cut someone who is abusive out of your life right in the beginning and not feel any guilt about it.
Google “brene Brown Ted.com” and watch her two videos one on Vulnerability and the other on Shame.
Read Lovefraud by Donna Anderson, Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (this one my counselor gave me excellent!) and The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout (this one you can listen to on you tube for free just google). Before you date again read the book How to spot a dangerous man by Sandra Brown (your local library may have these).
HUGS to you!! Take care 🙂
Thank you Jan7 for your wonderful words of wisdom. …most definitely didn’t understand that I was playing a game.
I can honestly say I have no desire to contact him. I have read enough to know what would happen if I do.
Wow on the triangulation Jan7. He was always claiming that his ex wife wanted him back….that she told his daughter that they would be a family again. Funny because I wrote that off to him being insecure and wanting to make himself look better. I felt no jealousy or need to contact her. I always just shrugged when he started in on that.
I understand on there being many victims. The ex wife may be around after all. With all these conversations flooding back, I realize that his current wife used to be his daytime mistress….she confronted him while he was with his night time Mistress….. And then he broke up with nighttime (so he claims…I think she dumped him after his now wife showed up on his door step)…I became daytime…his wife found a job and became nighttime….
The more I come to terms with this…the more I agree he just used me for sex. He never asked for money….he has his wife for financial aid I guess.
I read about spath pity. He is really really good at that. He was victimized in so many ways…I felt bad for him.
I will not reach out to him. The NC appeals to my logical side. And I do have some pride left. I never was on the receiving end of silent treatments and other cruel games I have read about. I’m not going to give him the chance…or satisfaction….
He sent me another text today. I promptly deleted. I now know he is just trolling….trying to see if I’m still hooked….
Amille2, yep he was telling me he loved me not his mistress while all along he was telling her he loved her and not me. So sick they are…so many crazy games with NAME…who knew!?!
I too am a very logical person so when I learned who he was after searching desperately for answers through marriage counseling (what a joke) where he & all sociopaths manipulate the counselors and turn the table on the victim but also they learn how to manipulate the victim even more by mimicking the counselor at home.
Everyone in the sociopath’s life is used for something. EVERYONE is a victim…once I read about triangulation I was able to let go my anger with his first mistress and realized that last 3 helped me leave him for good without them even knowing the gift they gave me. They were occupying his time & I made my escape from him.
You are going to get through all of this nightmare quickly because you are not making this a matter of the heart but a matter of the mind. This is very good!! Logic is one of the keys to surviving in this crazy world…follow your gut always!! 🙂
Jan7………thank you again for the info…….reading materials……and most importantly, your story. I’m so sorry that you ended up married to someone who treated you so poorly. No one deserves that.
I appreciate you telling me not to feel shame….I do only because I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I knew something was off/wrong. I guess I just wanted to believe he was really wonderful……..and that I found someone to grow old with once the kids were on their own.
I also feel a bit of guilt for being the mistress. THe other woman actually lives with him….and as I mentioned before….probably paid for all the gifts he gave me. Maybe not directly…but I bet she is covering the bulk of the living expenses.
With that said…..my memories have finally pieced together the chain of events that led me to him. I truly believe she used to be the mistress……so I’m guessing she knows what he is on some level. I do not feel compelled to warn her or compare notes. I’m too afraid of his response.
Even though he was never cruel to me…..LOL, other than the entire relationship was a lie….again, knew something was off. That I would never want to be on the receiving side of his anger.
I’m very good at the logic side…how the No Contact makes absolute sense. It is actually a relief in some ways. I can walk away and not have to deal with him.
It is my emotional side that worries me. I’m not good at that. AT ALL. My fear is seeing him again. He looked so sorry and sad when I told him to leave. Yes, logically I know he was acting……..but my heart somewhat refuses to believe that…….that he really did care on some level.
I know in time that will fade…I keep a print out of the obit in night stand. When my heart starts talking…..I read the obit…..and remind myself that he is married…..that it was all a lie.
Thank you again for your concern……for reaching out.
I hope you have someone wonderful by your side now….or if not, that you are happy and healthy…..you have helped me more than I can express.
Amille2, your welcome.
I totally understand not listening to the gut. That is my biggest regret, still working through that issue. The first time I met him through a mutual friend I thought he was a “tornado”. The second time I met my ex I though he was crazy not crazy in a fun way but crazzzzzy. He knows exactly how to con people he is masterful at pity play & pushing peoples boundaries. I saw who he was but was not able to get away from him because of all the mind games he played, all the manipulation, lies, pity play, gas lighting, pushing boundaries etc.
I was sooo right about who he was. I look back and my gut was sending out RED FLAG alerts none stop. I had just moved to a new state for a job & was lonely. He had a large group of friends, really they were just conned into his cult like group.
I let my guard down & he moved very quickly to suck me into his game by wearing me down with love bombing. Like he does with everyone. So crazy when I look back.
there is a very good video of “Oprah & Gavin Debecker on you tube” (google) about listening to your gut. Gavin Debecker is the author of “Gift of Fear” which is a book on reminding everyone to listen to our guts from the second we get a alarm. Very powerful reminder! (not sure if I posted this for you already or not)
I never wanted to date, move in, or marry my ex h…but he got his way. In the video of Oprah & Gavin Debeker she makes a point to say “NO, is a complete sentense” & she states that if someone is trying to get you to do something you dont want you have to ask yourself why are they being so controlling? Why are they trying to control me? And I should have said this about him.
After I escaped my ex I drove across country & found a counselor who told me who my ex was. The first day I asked if he had brain washed & hypnotized me because that is how I felt the first day with him…she said YES on both accounts this is what they do & this is what society does not understand. In the book Women who love psychopaths by sandra Brown she explains this aspect and also that they trance their victims too.
That day when I returned home I researched Brain washing & mind control which lead me to Steven Hassan who is an expert on the subject with regards to domestic abuse & cults. His book explained that people let their guard down when they have some life change such as a divorce, relationship breakup, a death in the family, a move, change in school/going off to college, empty nest.
And you are most like to get sucked into a abusive relationship/cult during this time of your life. Why this time are you more likely to get sucked into a abusive relationship? because your guard is down while you deal with the change and a sociopath moves in for the kill with love bombing & mimicking your belief system, dreams & goals. So think about what was going on in your life when he entered it that is a big step in how you prevent yourself from getting targeted in the future = when you are vulnerable be alert!
Just like in the African Safari a lion can pick out the weak animal or the animal that his not paying attention. Then that is their target victim. Sociopaths can spot someone in a vulnerable place from a mile away. Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of Mind (highly recommend) connected the fact that a domestic abuser & cult leader are the same (most are narcissist/sociopaths/psychopaths).
We were cult followers and our abusers were cult leaders. This helped to see how the brain washing aspect worked along with the fact it is not easy to escape as the break us down so we have low self esteem & isolate us from the out side world.
Really makes you look not only at domestic abuse (which the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional & mental not physical) but also how cult behavior is every where in our society from religion, political parties, clubs, organization etc.
I think it is healthy minded for your to feel some guilt about being the other woman. This means you have empathy & compassion for others = your are not a narcissist or sociopath. This is a blessing. Even though you were a victim the guilt is a normal good emotion means you are a good person who does not want to hurt/harm others intentionally.
For me I did warn his three mistress. By then I was fully educate on what my ex did to not only me but to all of these other women. I felt the need to warn them because I did not want them to suffer like I did. I was in a safe place and sent one a letter, called one (because we did business where she worked) & emailed the other. The first one heed my warning and dumped him promptly because she had no idea he was married. The other two were too far sucked into his con game & believing all his lies & smear campaign against me.
But I did direct them to LF and other sites so hopefully they eventually put two & two together & went to those sites. I felt like I had to warn them. The one I emailed she sent me back several nasty emails calling me stupid etc. I just told her yes I was stupid to believe his lies and hope that one day she will see that I was the honest person & was trying to keep her safe from him & that I was the one to file for divorce and wanted nothing to do with him any more & wished her only the best. Not sure what every happened to that situation as it did not matter I know exactly what he was doing to her and all the other women that he had manipulated into affairs with him.
My advise to you if you feel the need to warn his latest victim is to only do it if you are in a safe place & to write a anonymous letter with just a list of sites & books to read with the warning that you are worried about her safety that she is dating a sociopath. Telling her what he did to you will only bond them closer to each other which means it will be harder for her to leave him for good. He has already lied to her about you so she will not believe anything you say negative but factual about him. This is why it is just best to direction them to sites/books with the facts for her to read about his disorder/behavior.
I think that when you are a logical person it’s hard to know how to deal with all the emotions. I have the same problem. I think it is important to feel the emotions as they are telling you to really stop and see what is going on and the logical side is quick to judge the situation. It’s a balance. For me now listening to my gut is a must never weaver from the gut reaction. And if your emotions are going haywire during this time remove yourself from the situation until you can assess your emotions & logic. But don’t talk yourself out of your first gut reaction to the situation.
I am happily single and have no desire to date…a good place to be.
Glad you found LF and had the strength to reach out with your post.
Hi PaulAU, huge hugs to you. I am so glad you searched the net and found your way to lovefraud. This is a wonderful site filled with incredible information & is a great support site for you to educate yourself & to heal.
The way you are feeling hon is sadly normal when escaping a sociopath. You have done so many great steps and the most important step you have taken is following the No Contact rule…BRAVO to you for following this rule which will lead you to peace & calmness once again.
Be kind to yourself right now…all of your emotions that were suppressed during the relationship are now coming up…it’s over whelming most of the time…you are going through also all of the grieving stages just like a death in the family along with finding out the reality that this man was pure evil. Google “grieving stages” so that you understand exactly what you are experiencing.
To calm your body, mind & spirit looking at adrenalfatigue. org (see the symptoms list), Drlam.
com (see the symptoms list), Mialundin. com read her book/see her you tube videos and google “adrenal fagutige” . The sociopath knows exactly how to create stress & drama with their crazy mental games that will push a victim over their emotional edge on purpose.
Please know that it is not all “in your head” that the stress that you have been under has caused adrenal gland issues most like adrenal fatigue. The adrenal glands regulate the blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight or freeze response mode), and regulate over 50 hormones including progesterone (which is the body’s nature relaxer hormone), estrogen, testosterone). It is estimated that 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood. The adrenal glands are a huge deal and overlooked by most. Find a good endocrinologist or hormonal doctor to test you & to balance your body again.
Get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, and hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD. Most victims it not all suffer from PTSD and it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD because of your ex.
Along with Donna Anderson’s book (site creator) you can look at the book store at the top of this site for her list of book recommendations. My counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which explained in detail what my ex h did to me. Also watch Donna’s videos at the top under the red/gray tap labeled “videos. Watch these videos over and over to open your mind up from the brain washing.
Other site Psychopathyawareness. com & Psychopathfree. com are both excellent as well.
When you are emotional sad, crying, angry, etc come to LF and others and read everything & vent plus journal to get the thoughts out of your mind. Sociopaths literally brain washing & mind control their victims so you need to open up your mind from all of his mind control. Your ex is a cult leader & you were a cult follower. It does not matter if a sociopath has one victim or 1000 followers they do the same mind games to each and every person. SO come here and post when you are feeling emotional and read everything.
Google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and watch his videos/read his books (might be at your local library) google “Ted.com Dr Amen” to watch his other videos & Google “Dr AMen depression you tube” to watch his videos on that subject”. He is world renowned therapist and brain expert. His site is “Amenclinic. com. He has a book on anxiety/depression.
Also when you are emotional PLEASE contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) to talk with a free counselor. Outside the USA google for your countries hotline. They also have free counseling & free women group meetings at your local abuse center which really do help to know you are not alone and for support.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE, WE HEAR YOU!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Hugs to you. Wishing you all the best.
Take care.
PaulAU,
Your closure on this abusive relationship is in the fact you found out that he is a sociopath…that IS your closure.
YOU have now ZERO regret leaving him, you have Zero regret ending this relationship and you have ZERO regret going no contact…this is your closure.
You might not see this now but you will down the road know you have your closure.
It takes time to see this.
Preparing for a restraining order hearing… tomortow morning. ..I feel Sick. He will be right there next to me legal aide said. I will not back down. I was just living him and massaging him and cooking for him and making love to him and laughing w him … 2 weeks ago.
Mind blow.
That mind blow is a shock and a trauma to your mind and heart.
Prayers for the hearing to go well. Be prepared to feel overwhelming emotions. It would be good if you can take some time to rest and process whatever happens after the hearing.
awesome post Jan7!!!!!!
Kity, glad you read it. 🙂
Thanks all for your comments. A while ago I was considering suicide cause basically the smear campaign he did was pretty bad, and I had no job, he took my money, and I had no accommodation. But I decided to be a survivor. Sometimes I feel very angry with myself because I still have feelings for that monster, but I know I can’t go back there and I know there was a lot of manipulation. Everything was pretty bad because I married him in the United States and I separated and I had to leave the U.S., then, I couldn’t get a restraining order. He attacked me every day through emails, he messaged my friends, mom, nephew, he took my money, he even opened a website to damage my reputation and I couldn’t do anything because of the distance. I feel raped, I feel abused and I need to get my dignity back. My life was left in pieces.
paulAU, look into cognative disorder it will explain why you still have feelings for him. Rememer he used lovebombing on you to make you think that he was a good guy so you naturally remember some good times but if you really assess what he did he just conned you with everything.
Focus on the bad times and then you will see that 100% of the relationship was bad not good. This takes time to see this truth.
I am so sorry that you went through so much during & after this relationship. Really breaks my heart reading your words.
YOU will get your dignity back & your life will came back stronger. Reach out to your local domestic abuse center for free counseling & women group meetings they really do help to know you are not alone and it will give you guidance into your future.
Take care.