Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “amille2.”
When my boyfriend……….or should I say the man I thought was my boyfriend………..walked out the door a couple of days ago, I told him I felt like I had been sucker punched. He replied, “No, you haven’t” and shut the door.
Just two days before that, I read his wife/girlfriend?’s grandmother’s obituary whereby he was listed as the husband/significant other.
The physical jolt that went through my body was immense ……….. followed by the sound of every lie I had been told for the past 5 years clicking open in front of me to see ……….. really see this time. Then they all came crashing down at my feet ………. taking my heart and part of my soul with them.
The absolute depth of the deception is too much to comprehend right now. Surreal really. We aren’t talking “I’m staying in tonight and you find out later he went out with his friends” kind of lies. I’m talking about the foundation …….. from the first encounter …… and every single day thereafter.
He suffered a head injury in the military. It meant that every day he woke up with a headache ……… that gradually became worse as the day went on. It affected his short-term memory ………….. but not long term. He had PTSD. He was in counseling because of his severe anxiety about having people in his house. He was a recovering meth addict from the meds given for his head pain ……. And while I knew acquaintances that confirmed the head injury ……. and I did see some anti anxiety meds prescribed by the VA. I will not even try and guess the real story.
All of this meant, of course that I could only see him during the day. As I worked from home, I would gleefully take a long lunch and make up the work later in the evenings or weekends. Besides, I could not see him during those times because he was either home resting from the migraine or busy with his daughter.
I was at his house one time …….. anything feminine was attributed to his daughter. Met his parents and brothers once in passing …… not one of his friends …. though he talked to them often about me, he said. He asked me not to mail anything to his house. It seems his last girlfriend tried to come between him and his son. To this day, his son is so traumatized by it, he doesn’t let his son know when he is seeing someone. After his son moved out, I still couldn’t mail anything because his anxiety of having people in the house was spilling over to even having mail delivered. We did take a couple of weekend trips …. but they were short and he was always in a hurry to return. Holidays were celebrated before or after the actual day. I didn’t really mind as I have two children, parents, cousins, etc. that I all wanted to nest with. I cherish this family time and I liked not having to worry about whether or not he was entertained or bored by family stories. It worked out rather well, didn’t it?
As I continue to pick through the rubble of lies in front of me, I’m dismayed as to how careless and stupid I was with my soul. How easily I dismissed all the odd stories; the fact that every ex girlfriend tried to control him and I should avoid them at all costs; the lies about things that didn’t need to be lies; the grandiose explanation when he ended up going to a friend’s wedding without me; the victimization he faced throughout his childhood and marriage; how we never went anyplace significant in the local area together; how I couldn’t even walk up to his front door for a quick kiss because he was too anxious to handle that; and his fascination with porn …. more than I probably can imagine.
Of course, I didn’t have the benefit of receiving all of this information at one time. It all accumulated slowly …….. like the proverbial frog in boiling water. Each new inconsistency was built upon the last and could be easily explained ……….. or at least I thought it could.
I knew all along that something wasn’t right. This was not even close to a normal relationship.
I stayed because he was handsome and charming. He showered me with gifts and proclamations of love. He sent flowers and wrote the most beautiful letters, cards and emails. He text me several times a day telling me how much he missed me. He endeared himself to my children. He fixed things at my parent’s house. He never once said anything unkind or asked for money. I was always beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and giving. We had a great sex life. Lots of sex.
I will say that the last 6 months my soul has been trying to wake me up. I was putting distance between us. Told him I had many conference calls or activities with the kids. I was starting to see glimpses through the mask. One of our last conversations he told me that he saw me as his future. My first thought was that I didn’t believe him; my second was that I didn’t feel the same.
Yet here I sit. Knowing that I traded part of my heart and part of my soul to feel love and security. Knowing that someday it was going to haunt me …… but never truly knowing why and to the extent. Devasted to realize I traded myself for nothing in return.
Discovering his double life is painful. Realizing I meant nothing to him. The cards, the gestures, the words ……… all empty. I had the strength to politely tell him that I was depleted. That he had to go. I didn’t cry, beg, get angry or ask him why. It would have been a waste of what little I have left of me now. I’m constantly anxious and afraid he will return to try and convince me that I’m wrong about him. He claims his ex girlfriend planted the obit because she is still stalking him after all this time. That he’d be happy to have me go to one of his therapy sessions with him. That he knows that he needs to work on himself …….. that his issues cause me to doubt him …… and if he changed, would I take him back?
I am so glad I found your website and book. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I’m trying not to replay every conversation in my head over and over again. I’m trying to understand that this man is no longer in my life. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the irony that his last words to me were actually the truth.
After 30 years with a sociopath, she’s now having the time of her life
this article very insightful and helpful and even comforting to me. I am sure it is not anything you have not heard already. but I love the Peter Pan comparison and I would never want to play Wendy again.
Love you all..
http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_did-the-narcissist-ever-really-love-me.php
Thanks Kitty. This has been a helpful read. Today has not been a good day so far. Tried sleeping with only herbal sleeping tablets & hypnotherapy last night, but gave up around 2am. Had a few hours of sleep at some point and woke up from dreams about him, exhausted and tearful. Thats been my state for most of the day, crying, heart thudding in my chest with anxiety and chain smoking like an idiot. (I was a non-smoker for 3 years before this!).
Kitty….this was very enlightening. For the first time, I can somewhat understand what he felt…. And it makes perfect sense. As long as I did what he wanted…..loved on his terms…we were happy.
Despite promises of loving me always…. Never leaving….the minute I questioned.,. “what? You are living with someone else?”,…well, we know the ending.
I still am in awe that he continued to deny that…..but I guess even in a twisted way it makes sense…..if he continued to pull the rug over my eyes, I would continue to let him use me.
Thanks for the info
I thought the same Amille2, as long as the relationship was on his terms and I knew nothing of what was going on…
Ug.
thanks again. x
I had another memory surface today. He asked me at the beginning of our relationship what I wanted from him.
I remember at the time thinking that was an odd question to ask me.
I don’t remember my exact answer. It could not have been much tho. I am not/was not interested in marriage (I’m divorced), no kids (have 2 already)….companionship, affection, friendship…. Love?
He gave me all that….huh.
Of course, fidelity would have been nice. I know we discussed. He told me his ex wife always commented on how loyal he was. How oblivious he was to other women noticing him…..yeah, I fell for that ….sigh.
Anyway, I guess now I get the twisted mind set…..he feels he asked me what I wanted….he gave it to me…. Was kind, generous…what’s wrong with her? Why doesn’t she appreciate me?
I can see now why his anger when I questioned the discovery of the obit listing him as her husband……how could I not believe him? Look how wonderful he was to me. Has he ever hurt me before?He was the perfect boyfriend.
Except he wasn’t.
What we victims must come to accept is that psychotics ONLY want you as long as long as you serve his purpose; after he tires of that or it disappears, he has absolutely no compunction of discarding you like a piece of trash.
Amille2, when I first started dating my ex h he said “You are the most stable person I know”…I thought wow that is a wired comment aren’t most people “stable”?
Well now I know that it was not just me having a stable job, friends, life but also a stable mindset which he did not have and would have noticed when someone else did.
What they say that makes you “double think” (google) are little clues into their crazy thought process.
I am sorry that what you thought was true was all a lie. So sad how many people suffer from these manipulative & cunning evil people.
Glad you went to the doctors yesterday, not a easy day…I remember doing the same & sitting in the waiting room just in so much shock & embarrassment that I end up in that position all because of my lying serial cheating h selfish acts. The outcome was good & my mind is at easy over my health now. Same will happen for you.
I just wanted to add that I know now that my ex targets well rounded people who are successful in all areas of their life then breaks them down slowly over time with joy…from his past gf, college friends, mistress & me his exwife. He gets a kick destroying people so that they literally crawl away from him. He is very covert in his manipulation. Sick sick mindset of an evil man.
Your ex statement is behavior of a “covert narcissist” (sociopath) google
Interesting on the covert narcissist. Makes sense. I have come to realize how many times he tried Triangulation on me.
That technique didn’t work on me since I am not the jealous type. I also never believed that his ex wife wanted him back. I just thought he was insecure and trying to make himself look better.
He did create one scenario that upset me. Now of course I realize the whole thing was a lie. Scary.
So now that I confronted him with his lie/s. He knows I know the truth…..why does he keep emailing that he misses me? I’m in the process of deleting the email address….hard because I have many accounts linked to it….but I’m not responding to him. I also am wondering if he thinks he is getting to me, would that keep him away? In other words, if he can’t reach me by email….will he show up at my door? But I digress…..
If he knows I am on to him…why hasn’t he discarded me?
Jan7 and others who have survived this hell on earth….how long before they left you alone? Does no contact really work? Please know that thanks to you all….everything I have read…I have no desire to respond…I no longer see him the same….I am afraid of him….I want nothing to do with him.
No contact works for the survivor’s recovery. It’s impossible to recover when the victim is reinjured by interactions with the ex spath. Survivors recover the fastest and most completely when they can minimize the time and energy spent on thoughts of the spath, once the work of understanding what the spath is about and grieving is over.
Spaths tend to come back from time to time to see what they can get – anything from financial, admiration, or the power and control rush they get from hurting someone. They come back when the victim may be vulnerable.
The greyrock technique has worked to get rid of spaths who won’t stay away. The best way to keep them away is for the victim not to fall for whatever lure they use. Determining to remain no contact no matter what, even if he says he is dying of cancer, just won the lottery and wants to share it, realizes the error or his ways and has changed, whatever it is that he thinks will lure a particular victim.
Annette,
Thank you for clarifying….. Now I understand…. The No Contact is for ME to recover and heal….not as a means to prevent him from contacting me….sorry, I misunderstood the intent.
I keep reading that once spaths have no use for you….you are discarded and they move on. I guess I was hoping that once I discovered the truth….he would realize that I was done….considering I told him that.
However, I guess if I believed his lies for as long as I did….he probably thinks I might reconsider….that I am still enamored with him….
So much to learn and understand with these…shells…
NC can work to keep the spath at bay, too, because the victim isn’t responding to his calls, texts, emails, etc. Not even looking at his FB or interacting with other people about him, can really help the survivor get him out of her head. I listened to a relaxation audio made for healing the aftermath of a harmful relationship every day for over a year, which helped me a lot.
It also helped me in my recovery to focus on me and other friends and family, not my ex Psychopath. To the extent I was able to get him out of my thoughts I recovered faster. They hypnotize and manipulate their victims to
In my experience, after learning the truth about the sociopath, most eventually do leave you alone. However, there are a few, I like to call them ‘hangers-ons’, who once or twice a year seem to never totally give up…why I have no idea except boredom or the challenge.
amille2, He is trying to love bomb you back into his game. He loved bombed you into the relationship originally so he knows love bombing works…plus I am sure he has used the same game on his wife & others.
These guys use the same ploy that worked on you & others again & again & again. You have been conditioned by him to see the good in him because of this love bombing technique it’s a form of brain washing/mind control/training/reward & punishment technique….it’s exactly like a cult leader sucking someone in to a cult or a child molester grooming a child into their sick world.
Grooming = love bombing
The other thing these guys do is just keep at it relentlessly trying to hook you back into their sick twisted game with email after email after email after phone call after phone call etc, first they try to use love bomb “oh baby I’m sorry” & buy you flowers & gifts just like in the beginning of your relationship with them,
Then when that does not work they will use pity play “I’m sick”, “I need your help”, “I need your advise etc (like Annettepk stated they will even go to great lengths to say they have cancer when they don’t!!) to get you to call them & break the no contact rule….
when love bombing, pity play don’t work to suck you back in they will use guilt “you’re the only one that ever loved me”, “your’re the only one who understands me”, “my wife left me because of you” etc
when that does not work they will use “narcissist blame shifting” (google) “it’s your fault that I couldn’t tell you that I was married” etc they will come up with some really dozy’s of blame shifting.
then when all that does not work they will get angry and try intimidation you back into the relationship with threats “I will call your boss”, “im going to do such and such thing” etc.
They want to win at the game & the game is to suck you back in and break you down more. They will just keep at it knowing that the victim will just become warn out from their constant phone/tex/emails etc and go on a date with them or meet them “just to talk” or answer their text/email.
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE ALL OF THEIR CONTACT…change your phone number, your email address, your social medial, etc…tell your friends & family to do the same because they will attempt to con them into the game and get them to talk to you.
Watch Donna Anderson’s video at the top on love bombing and all the other videos they are located under the red tab “videos”. They are all worth your time.
How long before they leave you alone? For me a 4 year nightmare of a divorce I accepted a offer then he would remove the offer and strung it out in court so that it would emotionally wear me down…this is what happens in divorce court they string it out for years & years. I changed my phone number and moved to a very secure building where he could not gain access. I cut him out of my life completely this is why he dragged the court procedures on to have power & control over me.
For you, they always come back maybe next week maybe in a year or 5 years etc…they go after their past targets because they know how to love bomb you back in. This is why the no contact rule is a must. Some victims move and get a po box so they are protected.
An example of them coming back is Joran Van de Sloot he murdered the young high school girl on the island, manipulated his way out of jail, then went to South America where he killed again, after he killed the second young woman he reached out to his high school ex girlfriend asking for money. His HS ex girl friend had not heard from him for years! This is what they do they are always preying on past victims for sex, money, place to live, so they are not lonely etc. This is why you have to protect yourself now by closing the door for good and bolting if for any future attempts to gain entrance into your life.
YES No contact works if you are willing to follow the rule.
You are doing great! I know the emotional side is very hard for you right now but the fact you are asking questions, reading & venting really does help in the healing process. You should be so proud of yourself, you are a very strong woman with a good head on her shoulders!!!
Amille2, you wrote “I am afraid of him”
PLEASE reach out to your local domestic abuse center for help…they will give you guidence so that you know what your options are to keep you and your son safe.
Also look into investing in a home security alarm system…either a company one where they monitor your home or one from HOme Depot/Lowes or local hardware store that uses batteries & are very easy to install = around $15 doors per door individually or $100 for the whole home. Just do a search on their website for more info on these types of systems & cost. Think about changing your locks to even though you dont think he has a key.
Amille2, I posted this before for you but wanted to reposted it for you to read because it really explains why/how/what to do with regards to the no contact rule. This is from the site narcissist free. com.
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
“Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
Jan7 as always… Thank you.
I fear him because I don’t know him after all this time; I fear him because I only saw the good. He never played the cruel games with me….remember I was the fun one. I don’t know how angry he really is at my leaving. I have no basis or grounds for RO …..
I fear him because if he shows up and plays the pity card…..it is my weakness. The love bombing does nothing. I have already figured out how to hide in my house if he knocks on the door.
Everyone here has taught me well. I understand No contact. I know the consequences if I don’t abide by it.
I won’t let myself do that. I won’t let all of everyone’s help here be in vain.
amille2,
Jan has posted some excellent advice, especially the points about NC. Some good ideas there.
Your fear is valuable information to you. You are thinking clearly – he is harmful to you, he desires to exploit you, he does not care about your well being. These are traits and motivations that you are very right to fear him for.
Your fear is your motivation for you to take action to protect yourself – whatever is necessary based on what you think he might do whether physically harm you, emotionally harm you, or whatever he might do.
They really think they are, the perfect, the kind, the wonde
Jan,
The lovebombing post.
All of them.
So much pressure they wear you down, it’s true at one point I thought do I just lay down with open arms and sell my soul?
Relentless….
NC all the way!!!!!!
Remembertoforget, they are relentless and do not take no for an answer including when they want to go out with you the first time or when you impose the no contact rule the last time.
They are so use to just pressing people over and over and over to get their way to wear the other person down. Like a kid having a temper tantrum in a toy store until the parents finally give in…they learned young to keep pushing their agenda & to push others boundaries to wear them out to get what they want only never mind how it impacts others.
This boundary pushing for first date or when you go no contact is a huge RED FLAG into their long term demanding terms of a relationship.
After I left my ex h, I started to play tennis again and a guy who played tennis in the new community that I moved to said that he would play tennis I made it very clear only tennis but this guy wanted to date me…he first would only email me (did not give him my number) to set a time for playing tennis but then very quickly he looked up my address and started to love bomb me with cards. He also insisted that after tennis that we go out to eat even though I would say no he would just keep pushing his way, at the restaurant he would push me to drink even though I did not want to drink (not much of a drinker) and when I wanted to pay my own way he would insist to pay.
It was never ending boundary breaking from him just like my ex. I finally sent him an email to state that he did not respect my boundaries and that I no longer would play tennis with him & for him to stop contacting me. He sent me an email back stating “Good for you” (Weird email like other woman had gone no contact with him). He still sent several emails until I closed the account.
For me know NO Means NO…not maybe or yes but NO!! And like it’s stated in the interview by Oprah & Gavin Debecker gift of fear author…when someone does not respect your boundaries you should ask yourself “Why is this person trying to control me?”
Phone went berzerk! Nevermind…
So I got some energy back today. Today I disconnected my phone after I called the phone company and asked to change the number. Since he has my cell phone I can’t exactly use it anymore so when I have a new number at home I will have to call and cancel the cell service.
I also deleted the answering messages. I didn’t listen to them. It was hard. I cried. I don’t know why I did but I did. It hurts.
I also looked up the name his mother said was my best friend which I never heard of. My best friend doesn’t even live near me and lives in a different country across an ocean. So as anyone would be I was stunned. Thanks to the new digital day and age I got to see tons of photos and dates. And more names. Names of the people he would speak about regularly who cheated on whom and who was with who. It’s quite a fancy affair and lavish lifestyle these airport employees live up. I mean how can anyone compete with girls have clothed, they pay more for their outfits then I pay for rent and all still living with their parents. Needless to say thee were pictures of these girls in his car. On my porch and some in my apartment. I don’t have to put two and two. I’ve never met these girls and I don’t want to. They look like not the type to have intelligent conversation with and really the kind a very expensive business man would hire. But I should be nice and not judge. I’m still in a state of shock. There’s one in the car I helped finance dated on my birthday with her legs holding a mini cigar, in the background my things still in the car. His hand reaching out for her knee. Just as he would do to me. The thing that got me was I was in the hospital. He never called. Or visited that day. Completely ignored me. Another one that had her and her friends with the “#” and I could only assume was his account with details of himand calling him her boyfriend. Exactly of him. Going on a date. On the night I had a very risky procedure. A night the doctors couldn’t get a hold of him. I almost died that night. He after all fought long and hard to be my legal proxy. I feel like such an idiot. While none had his face. You could still tell it was him. He was being careful but you can still tell. You can’t mistake your belongings and you certainly cannot mistake your own place. I feel discusted and relieved and discusted again.
I’ve been reading the posts on here and they are informative and I realized I did loose myself to him. With dealing with c, I put my trust into him and those you love. You kind of have to. It’s hard enough. My friends also suggest for me tohi re a private investigator. Or to press charges. He still has my valuables the hospital sent (irreplaceables as well. He still even has my animals remains because they died while I was in the hospital and the friend brought it there.). I could have died because of his neglect. Some of the doctors tell me I should have died and it was a miracle I am stil here after him making them wait so long to do what was needed. I don’t know why he ditched his mother on Mother’s Day, I don’t know why she got to told it was my fault and after these findings I was so sick to my stomach I just deleted the messages. I am broken and depleted. I was my things back. Mostly the irreplaceables and my animals remains. Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a doctor. I also see from the article posted about Narcissitic love and the Peter Pan complex he is by no doubt that and much much more. it made me feel better ( thank you for posting). What’s hard right now is because of his pattern of silent treatments I still feel like he will come back and talk. We had a lot to talk about. The plan was to talk about everything. Or at least that too was said to con me. It’s very hard to come to terms with me being in the hospital him conning me to be my proxy all the while having another girlfriend. Or girlfriends. Why would you be that cruel? He could have killed me. Why did he call the doctors and pretend to be the boyfriend? I guess to feel special. I don’t know. Still trying to figure out everything. But in no doubt of my mind I was treated terribly. I see that now. Just trying to deal over here.
Blue,
You were treated terribly and then some. He exploited you when you were very vulnerable dealing with health problems. He presented himself as someone who cares about you and who wants to enhance your well being. He is a liar, and he betrayed you. He presented you with a relationship that is supposed to be love based, he was happy to use your caring for him to exploit you, control you and abuse you. This kind of betrayal is the ultimate evil. He blamed you to his family for his choice to ignore his mother on Mother’s Day. My ex psychopath did this kind of stuff to me; it is the worst.
You have a lot to grieve for, it is a big loss to you.
You may find that when you get him out of your life and you begin to get over the shock and the horror of what he chose to do to you and how he treated you, that your health may improve. Being abused and exploited, lied to, and betrayed in this way can make a healthy person sick.
And good for you for doing all the right things in dealing with getting him out of your life, and out of your mind. It’s not easy, but you are doing a great job of taking good care of yourself; and protecting yourself from him. You can keep all the good things you have to offer and all the good things you are, and share them in a relationship only with someone who appreciates and deserves you.
Bluelight, you should be so proud of yourself for making these no contact changes in your life. HUGE hugs to you…not easy to get discard, find out the truth & then go no contact especially after your hospital stay.
You have incredible strength & courage!
I think when you are in their tornado still & you start to really see their mask slip & their double/triple lying world come out it’s a true shock to your body, mind & spirit.
Please take good care of yourself during this time. Your health is most important right now!
Please know that you could not do anything differently to get his respect and love from him. When you have doubt about this just look at the way he disrespects & lies to his own mother on mothers day! He is showing his true colors if he disrespects his own mom.
Just know also that all of these other women he is messing around with are victims too….he is lying, manipulating & deceiving them too. At one point they too will come to realize he is a bad person.
Dont believe all of the stories he told you about his co workers remember he is a pathological liar and will do anything to triangulate everyone against each other so that they do not trust the other person so that all parties end up not talking to compare their stories of his manipulation. He is masterful at this puppet master game. Google “sociopath triangulation” for more info on this mind game they play.
My ex was masterful at this too…telling me that his coworkers were cheaters, liars etc..guess what they were trying to get him fired! YEP, they too saw his manipulation, lying, cheating (with another co worker). He lied to me about all of them because he did not want me to find out what was really going on at his work place…he knew I would leave & he knew I was questioning his relationship with his co worker….his co workers I knew & wanted to call them and ask if he was cheating with a certain co worker but did not because my ex had my mind so messed up with all of his daily lies I did not know which way was up & which way was down.
EVERYTHING THIS GUY TOLD YOU WAS A LIE & MANIPULATION!! Everything!!
Dont have anger for these other women, just feel sorry for them because they helped you escape and now they are in his evil grips!
Hugs to you on this tough day 🙂 Glad you shared your story.
Jan,
Thank you,
This post helps me too.
I now have more insight to his past 2 both were long relationships- that they are submissive and messed up types, young too, and I know one of them.
I now realize that I am not the submissive type generally and am his age and way more mature and don’t take drugs or drink (rarely) and THAT is why I didn’t last with him.
I paid close attention, and I did submit to him in a way, and I kept engaging in us, him…
We even discussed that stuff, because the whole time I was actively trying to figure out what the hell was wrong!
I dk if that makes sense.
But again, I was far to wise for it all, and when the mask slipped, I slipped and gave him a few chances.
But, I now see clearly the type of girls do stay with him.
It’s ok, but I don’t want to down-grade again.
Please excuse the typos lol
🙂
I am balling in my office and not b/c of that stupid ex. He is becoming not even a thought….
I just got in trouble with my boss for the first time.
he is a wonderful man… and took 6 months to find the right person for this job.
but guess what?
in the past two weeks…. I have fallen seriously behind in documentation of residents’ admissions and care plans. then there was a computer glitch today that made it look like I had not done an assessment, but I had.
I need prayers and love now.
the boss knows about J… not entirely… but the gist of it…
If he had wanted to fire me… he would have today.
He is giving me a chance to catch up I guess.
but now I am scared.
think Ill be here late tonight.
So sorry you have this to deal with in addition to everything else. I hope you had a chance to tell your boss about the computer glitch.
You could tell him you’re sorry you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, but that you’re getting yourself back together and just assure him you’re back to doing your usual great work.
You don’t need work troubles on top of the spath nightmare.
Hope you don’t have to work too late; and that you can get some rest and enjoy the weekend some.
Take care.
Hi Kitty,
I replied to your post yesterday and its not showing up here. I was having computer issues yesterday.
Anyway I wanted to tell you that I had a meltdown at work a week or so ago and was sure I would be fired. I was not thank goodness because I am not in the space to look for a new job right now.
Just try not to talk about your situation at work. You might think your coworkers are understanding but work is work and you have to focus there.
You talked about how long it took to get this job and that you love it.
It you don’t talk about it at work, you wont think about it so much.
Give yourself some time.
This all happened so fast and so recently.
It going to take awhile.
Just keep venting here and educating yourself so that you don’t fall victim to a person like dummy Jerry ever again.
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity