Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Clara.”
My ex friend, after lying, abusing, manipulating everyone has now found himself in a whirlwind of trouble.
Owes everyone in town, credit card issues, issues with every law agency known to man, IRS, trouble with his two previous ex wives, etc.
Is now going around saying to everyone what goes around comes around, everyone is out to get him, he can’t win or get ahead, no one has any sympathy or empathy for him.
He “tries” to be a decent caring guy. Except he fails to mention he pathologically lied to everyone, stole money from people, was sleeping with other guys’ wives, carrying on with single women behind his wife’s back, screwing over clients left and right, never paying back anyone, is now saying he is religious…believes in God and in good and doesn’t understand why people are trying to destroy or ruin his life?
I mean really? Really? Is he totally blind to the facts? Is he blind to the fact that he exploits and manipulates, coerces, destroys everyone else?
What in the hell is the matter with some of these guys? It was ok for him to steal the whole loaf of bread type of attitude, but how dare anyone take one piece of his?
What in the hell is up with him wanting the sympathy for situations he 99.9% helped create on his on free will?
It’s always well and good when guys like this are moving ahead in life, things going well and living high off the hog by sticking the screws to everyone else, living a facade, but pooor woe is me when it finally starts to catch up and the money runs dry, the sex goes stale, and the supply starts to run out.
How should I respond to this sympathy plea? I do have a heart, but this time I don’t want it smashed. Ignore him?
Donna Andersen responds
Yes, Clara, ignore him. He is engaging in the pity play a typical sociopathic manipulation tactic.
The safest thing to do is cut him out of your life.
How to know if you were raised by a narcissist, and what to do about it
bluejay
Clara,
Sociopaths don’t consider cause-and=effect, consequences, that their actions (behavior) could lead to A, B, or C happening as a result of their choices. They live in the moment, not being future oriented. They don’t change, remaining this way for their entire lives.
– bluejay
youarejoking
Just to say there is hope! The lack of cause & effect = consequences has come home to roost big time.
My ex has been playing the pity card and alternating between sugary sweet (yukk) and threats. He has now decided he is fed up with being “amenable and co-operative” (I feel about laughing at that one!) and has attempted to blackmail me to force me to do something I was holding back from for HIS benefit. (Daren’t go into detail in case he gets tipped off).
In his eagerness to make me the bad guy, he didn’t think it through and unfortunately it will cost him about £30,000 if I do what he says. So I have!!! YAY!
I feel sooooo good because for once I managed to resist the temptation to warn him what would happen. I would love to be there when the penny drops …
Champagne anyone?
BeckyR
I so heartily agree, Donna. This appears to go against all our teachings about “finding the good in everyone,” but we must grow up as a people to Know that evil does exist. I don’t believe these presences are redeemable. Those continuing to tout forgiveness have never run across the sociopath…we can forgive, But realize these presences are not wired the same way as people who have compassion and remorse.
tobehappy
I used to teach my girls that everyone has good in them. No more!!!!!!
I now teach them “don’t trust anyone except ME! ; your mother!!!!
Even your best friend might stab you in the back someday.
(It happened to me)
And be careful who you let into your life!!!
stronginthecity
tobehappy,
Also teach them to stay away from Jared the Subway guy…
SITC
stronginthecity
Clara,
RUN far away from this person and don’t look back.
Stronginthecity
wiserfromit
I tell myself and my kids: suffering builds character. When someone has done me wrong I call it to their attention and if they don’t apoligize or correct the wrong then I reject them with this quote: “suffering builds character” and have no more contact with them.
KOCHKA
Their brain functioning is deficient. The normal circuit is broken down. No logical reasoning to be understood. The best is running to the hill from the mental deficient people.
Barb
I worked with a woman who used the ‘pity play’ and it did seem to work. She also managed to convince others that I was the problem on the job.
She ALSO managed to change her hours to match mine so she could watch me, hang out around me, make sure no one else was ‘honing’ in on me…she acted like she ‘owned’ me.
Her sisters have bailed her out any number of times and she never keeps jobs. I would imagine she is back at the oldest sister’s home, which was once their parents…and sulking about how she got ‘screwed over’.
Marley
As I was reading this letter —- I am just wondering — are you friends with my ex? Word for Word you described him. Are you friends with Keith Long?
Escapefor1
I believe they fully know what they do and revel in it. They just hope you’ll buy their victim act for some reason that benefits them, even just image.
Nobody is so stupid as to not notice major events such as sleeping with someone else’s wife or not paying credit card bills or the IRS. Oops just does not cut it.
They get away with it and troll around for other enablers when things get too tough for them and they try to cry “victim”, sometimes literally cry.
Stay far away from this man. He will bring anyone he can suck in down. It is like being near a tornado.
stronginthecity
Escapefor1,
Ditto!
Very nicely stated.
SITC