Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud is from a Lovefraud Reader whom we’ll call “Aubree.” Names have been changed.
I recently got out of a two year relationship with a person who I believe is a sociopath, or at the very least an extremely vengeful borderline. When we first got together, he told me that he used to have a habit of going to bars, finding the prettiest and most confident-looking woman there, and proceeding to go up to her and start picking on her and making fun of her for something that he suspected she might be insecure about. For example, if he saw a girl who was beautiful but wasn’t stick-thin, he’d go up to her and start making snide remarks about her weight. He said he enjoyed doing this because he got pleasure out of “knocking these women down off their high horse.”
Of course, it shocked me that he would do something like that, but he brushed it off and swore it was in the past, saying that he wouldn’t dream of doing it again. He was also a huge jokester – typical life-of-the-party type of personality – and some part of me wanted to believe he was just telling me stories, exaggerating. Looking back, however, I should have heeded that red flag. Over time, he started to take little shots and digs at me, designed to put me down or make me feel unsure of myself. He went from worshiping the ground I walked on to cutting me down. Every time he did this, I called him out on it, and he said he respected that because I “didn’t take his crap.” But every now and then, there was another backhanded remark coming my way. I often got the sense that he secretly HATED me. Sometimes I’d wake up in the morning and he’d be in bed next to me, just STARING at me. But it wasn’t a loving, warm, doting stare. It was an icy, CREEPY stare. It’s like there were daggers flying out of his eyes and straight at me.
In addition, every time something good happened to me – like my choosing to go back to school or getting a new car – I would always sense this underlying contempt and rage coming from him, like a seething resentment. I knew in my gut that he didn’t want me to be happy or to thrive – even though he would swear up and down that my happiness and success were TOP priority to him – but I couldn’t wrap my head around why he would be so malicious and hateful towards me. I didn’t want it to make sense.
There is much, much more that went on in this relationship – typical idealize/devalue/discard, complete with love-bombing, I could write much more – but I wanted to write you because I’m wondering if my sociopath’s motivation for getting into a relationship with me was purely to destroy me as a person, to “knock me off my high horse” like he tried to do to those other women? He never took any money from me or anything like that, and never used me for anything physical (I was more into sex than he was). All he ever said to me in the beginning of our relationship was that I “had a light about me” and that I had a happiness that he didn’t have. I’m wondering if it was for this reason that he targeted me, so that he could whittle away my confidence, shame me and eventually break me down? In other words, so that he could “win” by stripping me of what made me, me? It seems so foolish to me that someone would want to steal another person’s happiness or positive traits or destroy their confidence, but I can’t think of any other motivation in his case. He always had to be the center of attention and was constantly complaining that I was the “better looking of the two of us” and the “smarter one” (he had never gone to school and was working an aimless job not fit for a man his age). It’s like he didn’t want the spotlight to be on me, ever. He really seemed like a bona fide misogynist to me.
I know you have a wealth of information on sociopaths and you’ve read so many first-hand accounts, so I’d love to hear any thoughts or insight you have on my situation.
Thanks,
“Aubree”
Donna Andersen responds
Aubree,
Yes, it is certainly possible that this man’s only motivation was exactly as you stated – to destroy you.
Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships for exploitation. Usually, they exert power and control in order to obtain money, sex, a place to live, domestic services, or some other obvious advantage.
But with some sociopaths, the exploitation takes a more sinister form. They exert power and control simply to entertain themselves. They enjoy the idea of being a puppet master. They manipulate you for the fun of it.
You may remember the movie Dangerous Liaisons, starring Glenn Close, John Malkovich and Michelle Pfeiffer. In this story, seduction was a game, with the objective of ruining people’s reputations and breaking their hearts.
Well, some sociopaths engage in this game. People have told me how they were pursued and pursued, and when they finally fell in love, the sociopath simply dumped them.
In other cases, breaking off a relationship isn’t enough for a sociopath. He or she also wants to grind the former partner into the dirt.
It’s truly difficult to comprehend just how heartless these people can be. All we can really do is accept that there are people for whom relationships are nothing but a sick game, and learn to recognize and avoid them.
My first thought reading this article is that if a guy were to tell me those stories of how he liked to tear women down….RED FLAG. This is very telling of how he is going to regard you if you get too happy. He will bring you down to his level. Some miserable people just do this, because by bringing others down, it makes them feel better about themselves. I’ve known a few people like this over the years. It took me a while to figure it out sometimes, but usually there are zingers. For instance, I was once living with a man, and we were very happy together (for the first few months anyway). During this time, his ex wife visited. They had a son together, so they remained in touch. But the ex wife was homeless and had been in and out of jail. Still, when I met her, I was very kind to her and unguarded. She and I were having a seemingly nice conversation when she said about my bf that he “usually goes for women with certain body types.” She herself was a bosomy blond, and I a petite brunette. It took me a while to understand that this was a direct attempt on her part to sabotage our relationship and make me doubt my bf’s attraction for me. She was making me think that I was not “his type.” This is the type of thing a really miserable, mal-intended person will do.
I agree with Donna. Some of them do try just to destroy your happiness….or your ‘light’ as you put it, because they want to. I disagree with ViewPoint on this sentence ‘He didn’t wake up in the morning and plan his day around sabotaging your happiness. You know this.’ He very well could have woke up in the morning and planned his day around sabotaging you. I know my ex-spath did and probably still does, even 3 years after I found out what he was. If you are their target, they will do whatever they can to get what they want, whether it’s money, sex or just plain joy from trying to ruin you.
I understand why you didn’t heed the warning signs. They say things that shock you and then when you question it, they brush it aside like it was nothing and you just blew it out of proportion…it’s all very confusing for us normal folk. Of course, looking back yourself now or us looking at this story as outsiders, we see the red flags more clearly…but not so when you’re in the midst of experiencing it. and if we did heed the red flags right away like we all ‘should’ have, none of us would be here. 🙂 I would like to think that if I ever see red flags like these again, that I will run now that I know what I know.
I’m sorry that you met one of these soul-sucking creatures but I’m glad you found your way here…you did nothing wrong besides giving someone too much trust and empathy when he didn’t deserve it. <3
Viewpoint…your comments were very helpful…there is some important things you are saying in regards to… what in us/me…would allow ourselves/myself to dismiss a person’s words and actions along the way?..perhaps the attachment is made and we/I dismiss certain things…wanting to believe the best…trust …etc…we/I allow boundaries to move or things we/I try to confront cause such conflict …we/I know we/I avoid conflict to some degree….WE/I can learn from the mess and grow…though much of what you said was difficult because we/I have to really look hard and dig deep to do the work!
This story reminded me very much of my ex-husband as he was a covetous person. He was equally harsh with both genders but could get away with being harsher on females in general. Maybe this was due to a woman’s tendency not to defend herself as assertively as a male would.
If someone had money, they were a target of criticism. If someone had a degree from a fancy college, targeted… if someone could dance well, write poetry, fly a plane.. all targeted as less than and called a name which would diminish them. He might mock them,
interrogate them, then discard them in a heap and pretend he was much better and had no need of them or their gifts.
It’s such a big red flag of sickness when someone cannot truly listen to another nor appreciate some talent/gift that is willing to be shared. These folks continue to covet until their dying breath and believe that others are envious of them. Of course, association with this type has the inevitable result of eating away at one’s spirit. No one can ever be good enough in the mind of such a sick person so it is best to depart ways and be grateful you can rebuild and find normal people for whom to be friends.
I will add that in my case, I was taught as a child to be obedient and follow a religious doctrine… this often led me to becoming too accommodating to others who did not have the best intentions.
It may be best if we can maintain a tad bit of distance until someone has proven over a long term that they are consistent with respectful behaviors towards others. Real love is earned and is seen over and over again in many situations. Place in your faith in things demonstrated! Many good days are ahead for you.
I absolutely agree that for some of them anyway, their main goal among many is to “wear you down” and to strip you of your happiness. I believe at first the love bombing is so that you won’t SEE that. I can also see why you made excuses to yourself that even though he did that to others he wouldn’t do it to you. They are SO good at that. Mine continues to want to make me feel “uncomfortable”. With his ex, he wrote letters to everyone in their church telling of how awful she was and what she had “allegedly” “done” to him. For me, thankfully I was advised toward the beginning to get an order of protection and it scared him enough of being exposed that he followed it. But as soon as it ran out, he began to do things to make me feel miserable and uncomfortable, to tear me down. Just this weekend he came to a play at my church (he hadn’t been in 2 months and I had hoped he was gone) but he found out I was the lead in this play. He sat directly in the middle of the congregation in a bright colored shirt just to try to rattle me. If that’s not solely to hurt me or to make me feel bad, then I don’t know what is. I do believe his purpose is to get women and then destroy them.
One more thing, PLEASE remember that these men/women are EXPERT MANIPULATORS. That is what they LIVE for. It’s not uncommon at all for them to trick women into believing they are their “true love” and have waited for them all of their lives. Even the smartest, emotionally healthy people can be swept away.
That was my father. Yes a sadist does plan their entertainment and not just for the day. It has nothing to do with you yourself other than the goodness in your soul that cannot fathom the depth of evil that exists in those masquerading as a caring parent or other relationship person in your life.
Tales from the front lines of battle with a disordered kook:
To answer, “Do they actively seek to destroy people?”
Yes, they do!
It is a form of entertainment to them. Since one of their character traits is being “easily bored”, they look for ways to get their excitement. One of these ways to is hurt others.
The numbnut that bothered me actually said it one day… He enjoyed terrorizing me by saying really cruel things, some of which were true and some of which were just stories to terrorize me and frighten me.
One day he just came right out and said, “I want to destroy you!”
Ok, time to GTFO, Buddy!!
That statement is your one way ticket out of my life and straight to the place where you are never welcome in my life again!!
I do have to thank him for his candor, but really, these types of people are unable to distinguish between themselves and others, so whether I would be a willing participant in his little Ego Circus of Doom is really immaterial: he was actually not only making a statement of fact to me and about me, but he was also describing the way he felt about himself.
He was all about destroying himself…
These disordered people are not right in the head. They do what they do because they are what they are. But what they are among other things is Haters.
And, the thing is, they start out with Self-Hate, and from there, extend the hate and problems that they carry in their own little Circus of Doom-Lives, out to everyone they can effectively “slime”…
You’ll want to always listen to people’s “stories” about how they are or how they manage their world. This information will allow you to gather what you need in order to do your “relationship balance sheet” where you tally the assets and the liabilities and you see what the bottom line reads…
If the bottom line is a negative… Get out!!
And be well!!
Agreed.
I say, use these little stories as “litmus test” tells about how this person behaves, especially if there is any question in your mind.
Anyone who behaves badly towards another –and *brags* about it!!!???
Sweet Baby Doll!! That is your signal that you must depart the world of this jerk before you become the subject of his next tale of “success”!!
Oh, if they would all just make it so much easier on us by putting on their hideous and scary clown suits as every day breaks in their little Chaotic Circuses of Doom!!
We could run away, not be enticed by their side show freakiness and slip out the front door much faster than we slipped in…
I have been involved with not one but two sociopaths. Both were terrible to live with, both were scary and both wanted to break me down.
The first one was my husband, the second one a man I thought would be different, but was even worse.
Both liked to put me down in whatever possible way. My husband laughed about the books I loved in front of our friends, joking and making fun of me. The second man, called John, used to make sure I knew I wasnt as thin as he liked (he said he liked women who were like matchsticks) and used to shout at me, to tell me to shut up when I was just explaining about something calmly, and said many times that I liked fighting and that I needed a pshycologist. I do not like fighting and I do not need any psychologist , unless to make me understand why I took so long to see through those two men. John was the most strange impredicable person I have ever met,and sometimes out of the blue he would go on a tirade about my ‘problems’ and where I fell short compared to other women and things about some of my clothes, that are pretty normal anyway. He took deslike for some of my things and used to tell me how horrid they were. I had a beautiful coat bought in England and he had no more bad words left to put me down when I wore it.He used to call me ‘owl’ because I have deep eyes and liked to say bad things about me in public, out loud, so other people would hear him. Once we went to another city and he went on and on in the bus, saying horrendous things about me, my way of thinking, in a voice that people around could hear, perhaps to make me feel terrible. He did the same in restaurants, in public places at the same time flirting with women all around, even bartenders, cleaners, etc. When our ‘relationship’ finally finished, he started phoning me like mad, saying I was beautiful and wonderful and a lovely person, till I blocked him, phone and email) and set myself free from the horror.