Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by Lovefraud reader; we’ll call him “Bob.” Other names and locations have also been changed.
We were living in a midwest city; she moved there for her job transfer several months before the children and I could move. She had one previous affair with a co-worker in our previous city. After I discovered the affair, she sought out the job transfer. I believe the reason being to get out of town and not have to face her co-workers and our friends once the news of the affair and our failing marriage got out. She moved to the new city ahead of me, I stayed back with the children to keep them in school and sell the house. Five months later when we all finally moved to the new city, I discovered she had been having another affair in the new town. I agreed to separate and move into an apartment before I discovered that affair. Her new man even helped me move. I held on to our marriage for a while, then I finally gave up. She kept pulling me back through manipulation, attempts to control, using the children as pawns. She was able to draw me and her other men in to do for her. She still seems to have control over some of her previous lovers.
She had a great relationship with my family up until the first affair was uncovered. She could charm anyone. But when that happened, she completely cut off communications with them. She pointed fingers at them, claimed they attacked her and said bad things about her to their friends and family. My parents were deeply hurt to see what she had done to me, and they had loved her as well. She then convinced me that they were steering me in a bad direction. She turned me against them. They knew what she was all about, but my family couldn’t convince me of it. She was successful at alienating me from my family, my support network. This is how they work.
I initiated our divorce, as she would not do it, even though she continued to see her second affair regularly. She wanted the benefits of having me around to do for her, wanted to give the perception that we divorced amicably and where able to co-parent effectively. During our divorce negotiations, she found a way to get herself terminated from her high-paying job (I had stayed home with our children for four years at that point) to avoid child support and spousal maintenance. She received a one-year severance and immediately hooked up with a childhood friend who lived across the country. She began flying to see him every other weekend, leaving the children behind with me. The two of them lobbied me to agree to move to his town as, what she termed as “a family unit”. After almost two years of the harassment to move, I gave in. After I had some time to think it over, I decided it wasn’t best to move. Not good for me, not good for the children to be uprooted again for her fantasy. I had to do decide how to tell her; I was scared of her wrath. I had not worked for six years, was beaten down, emasculated, low self esteem, and likely depressed. I was tired of the continued boundary violations, manipulation; it was a toxic relationship I had to terminate.
Where I am going is that I finally had clarity, so I sat and wrote the following email to my family (note: names and locations changed). The end result”¦ She moved away without the children, sued me for custody and she ultimately lost. I fully believed she wanted me to move so I could continue to take care of the children while she moved on and did as she pleased. This cost us close to $300,000 jointly. It has almost broke me financially. She visits the children frequently, gets them for the summer, and continually attempts to alienate the children against me and my new wife. She did not, nor has intentions to, move back to our state to be with her children. That is very telling.
Dear Family,
I would like to offer an apology to all of you, and thank you for your ongoing support at the same time. You have supported me throughout this personal hell that I have endured during the past several years. I am regretful that I have pushed off your support at times, suggestions and ideas as meddling at times, but I do know that it was because you care for the kids’ and my wellbeing. It was manipulation by Angie that caused me to do that, and you knew that all along. I didn’t want to be burden to any of you, or appear to be seeking sympathy or empathy.
Many things have occurred in the past several months that have finally opened my eyes to whom and what I have been dealing with in Angie. Of course, I saw this before but never acted upon it. This woman has pretty much destroyed my life, my self-esteem, my emotional and physical health. I could say that I blame myself for allowing this to happen. Yes, I could have stopped it. I now have clarity that what has become of me is a direct result of my relationship with her. I can only equate it to having a personal relationship with Satan.
I have now decided that it is now time to take back my life, take a stand, and do only what is best for me and the boys, regardless of the impact on Angie or the repercussions that I anticipate. I realize that trying to be friends with her is only detrimental to all of us. We might be friends in the future for the children’s sake when she understand and respects boundaries, but for now, that needs to wait. I now fully understand that everything she says and does is manipulation. She got this hold on me years ago, and I was always afraid to break free of it. The fear of recourse, anger, attacks, of being alone, self-sufficient, etc. was paralyzing. Her tactics are appalling, and you have witnessed this and attempted to open my eyes to it. Now I am ready take anything she throws at me and fight it off. I felt that being friends with her would be good for me and the children. But that only gives her opportunity to use, take advantage and manipulate for her needs. Every time I give an inch, she tries to take a mile. I lose sleep, have anxieties and fears over what I feel would be her reactions to me standing up to her. It has takes a terrible toll on my wellbeing, which affects the children as well. This is like breaking a bad addiction.
What has made me change my course, you ask? Working on the house to get it ready for sale, for one. Being in her presence for extended periods of times opened up opportunities for her to attempt manipulation, to use me for her needs. What I see as her inaction in attempting to find work in Texas. I am now convinced that she has no intention of finding sustainable work in TX. The move there is solely for her benefit, so she can sit on her ass, and I get the short end of the stick.
So what do I plan to do? I drafted a long letter a couple of days ago to be sent to Angie. I have attached a copy for you, just so you see where I was going with it. It is laced with personal attacks and examples of her behavior, and my demands necessary for me to consider a move to TX. I did not send that. Upon drafting that letter, I stopped into Barnes and Noble and began to read a book about manipulation (Who’s Pulling Your Strings — How to break the cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life) — recommended reading for all of you. I perused this book for 20 minutes and immediately realized the book was written about Angie, and about me. It had an immediate impact on me. Everything in the book is true to life as to how she operates, and the effect the manipulation has on its victim. It also provides very clear and good information on how to counter the manipulator. I remember after reading the book on narcissism (Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism) two years ago how that held true too. This book takes it all that much further, and sheds light on how those narcissists, and other personality types, operate and crush those in their lives to succumb to their wishes and needs, and psychological impact on those victims. I also realized that the letter I drafted would have no effect on her, other than for her to attack me, and try to further manipulate me to believe I am wrong and she is not this way. Bottom line, as I had speculated before, she is a very sick woman, and no person alive could ever convince her of it.
As much as I fear the recourse, I am prepared to deal with her in a calm and controlled fashion. This may lead another of her signature emotional breakdowns, which I now fully believe her past emotional breakdowns were manipulation tactics. If she cannot control me, she has lost something valuable to her, and she cannot handle that. This might even be crippling for her. She has attempted and been successful in convincing me that others in my life have been steering me in bad direction. That I should listen to her, that she is right, and everyone else is wrong. Well, I am done listening, because I now understand the true motivation, and I understand how I combat it.
When the shit hits the fan, which will be later today, I will need your ongoing emotional support to stay the course.
Just on a side note, I have no hard feelings about Dan (her boyfriend). I almost pity him. He is a nice man and I feel he is also a poor victim of her manipulation and lies, and has no idea what he is dealing with. But it is not my responsibility to inform him of her evil ways. From what I can gather, it is her intent to move there, have him support her, and she live the life of leisure, dabbling in hobbies for income, with no regard to what I want or need. That would also result in a legal battle to collect child support.
I know this has been a very difficult period for all of you. I know it has been tough for you to watch endure this. I know what you say to me is out of love for me and the boys. She has destroyed many lives, namely mine, but crippled others as well, and does not understand that, nor does she care.
I love you all,
Bob
After sending and mulling over the email above for a few weeks, I ultimately only sent an email to my ex advising that the children and I would not be moving. Simple as that. That put the whole custody suit in motion. She ramped up job search efforts in her boyfriend’s town, bought a huge house, all to convince the children to want to move and to convince the court that she could provide for the children better than I could. Her lies in affidavits, to the parent custodian, custody evaluator, her attorneys, expert witness, friends and in court were so appalling. It was almost uncomfortable for me to watch her as my attorney ferreted out her lies under cross-examination, to see her squirm and attempt to spin in front of the judge. I have the children now, and her antics never stop.
Thanks, Donna and “Bob”. A classic tale. If I think of anything else to add, I’ll post it later.
Bob:
So much in your posting I can relate to.
When you discussed Angie having her current boyfriend, Dan, help you move, it made me think back to something similar S did to me.
Early on in our relationship S wouldn’t invite me to parties where his ex was because “He wanted us to meet first on neutral ground.” I didn’t have an axe to grind with the ex. Hell, I met S well after they had broken up. Anyhow, the meeting kept getting postponed. We finally met at an XMAS party hosted by the ex.
The ex and I never did get along. At some point during my relationship with S I learned that the ex was “determined to win back S.” The ex drove me crazy since he seemed to be constantly in the picutre. I had such a fill of the ex that one night I threatened to feed him head first through the garbage disposal if he ever said another bad word about S (boy, was I on the wrong track there).
Long story short is I now see that S kept throwing the ex and I together solely for his own amusement. By keeping us both spinning like tops, S was able to continue to bleed the two of us financially. And emotionally. And any other way you can think of.
Now that I’ve been away from S for 6 months, I actually feel sorry for the ex. Not that I think he’s a great guy, but I now see that after 8 years with S, the ex doesn’t know which end is up. No doubt he’ll take S back. And no doubt he will finally wake up and realize he should have been careful what he wished for.
And then there’s what I call “culling from the herd” (the S’s isolating you from your support system). When I posted in early December under “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath” I made the comment that I expected to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before my friends and family would listen to me again.
These creatures screw with our reality something fierce. When all your friends and all your family see how badly you are being treated and how badly you are being manipulated, you’d think you’d get a clue. But we don’t. And these creatures have a sixth sense when you’re starting to wake up to the abuse — they go into overdrive to isolate you further. And of course, you continue to defend the indefensible to your friends and family until they can’t take it anymore and walk away in disgust.
I tried to get S help. I met S 3 weeks after he had been released from prison. Hell, I was the help. I was a one man Salvation Army. I was S’s lawyer, ATM, social director, et. al. Still, I got him referrals to psyhiatrists, psychologists, therapists, the works.
He never went once. As a matter of fact, the last night we were together he threw it back in my face, telling me that “I already tried therapy at X Medical Center”. An ex made me go. And it was useless.” That’s when I realized that sociopaths are perfectly happy with their interior landscapes. I also realized that there is no therapy for these creatures. Therapy just makes them better at their game.
As for Angie’s “signature emotional breakdowns”, I’d lay money on it being part of the pity play. The rule with sociopaths is “when all else fails, go for pity.” Every time S knew that I was at the end of my rope as far as he was concerned, he would sob broken-heartedly about his brain dead mother on life support, about how hard he was tring to go straight after being sent to prison, about how his employer was taking adantage of him. The list was endless.
It was all just a ploy to get my pity and keep the dollars flowing.
One thing I’ve learned is to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath. That means shutting down every emotion you have toward them — guilt, love, concern — everything. Treat your dealings with your sociopath as “strictly business.” The sad thing I discovered was that at the end of the day, it all boils down to dollars and cents with them. It’s the only thing they understand.
Bob –
Your post was as sad as it was inspirational. Sad for your journey with Angie…inspirational for your ultimate fearlessness in your journey to fight for your childrens best interest and to be without Angie.
Thank you for the book referral. You have shown all of us that with clarity and self-respect and self-value — it is possible to make your way out of a toxic situation. And most importantly, it can be done when you make the commitment to yourself to be done and regain your life back.
You have yourself back. You have your children. She has her antics and they will never stop. You have your boundaries and you have to deal with her in “increments” as it relates to your boys…but you have control of your life back ! Good for you! An emotional story with one of the better outcomes!! God bless you!
Bob-
I agree with what you have said in the last paragraph.
“One thing I’ve learned is to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath. That means shutting down every emotion you have toward them guilt, love, concern everything. Treat your dealings with your sociopath as “strictly business.” The sad thing I discovered was that at the end of the day, it all boils down to dollars and cents with them. It’s the only thing they understand.”
It’s funny, even others have validated this. My sister told me after my break-up with the ex “you know at one point I almost felt sorry for him, depicting himself as depressed and trying to be a good person, a victim” but then I got the full picture of him and I could no longer afford any feelings towards him.
Actually the ex-s tried alianating my sister, she is the only family that I was close to.
I often think about writing a letter to the ex-s family. I am certain that he said that I was crazy and pathetic and he was my savior. He already treated me like that in front of his
family.
I guess in some cases one can tell a lot about the outcome of relationships by looking at the partners past relationships. God knows, I should have paid more attention to that myself. I think it only works if there are red flags showing already, if the partner seems to complain about the same issues in the current relationship as he/she had in the previous one. It feels like he is projecting this previous partner onto the new one.
I used to think that he was probably dating total looser, clingy girlfriends, and that they probably could not appreciate him (!) I used to kind of dislike his ex girlfriends through the stories from him. Now thinking back they were probably nice girls, and smart because they did not put up with him for as long as I have.
Now the ex-s is married, wonder how long before his wife sees him for who he really is. I wonder if she ever wonders why I have never contacted him after being with him for 7 years, and 5 years away from him. Wouldn’t anyone find that weird? I saw him with his wife on the subway once. They proceeded to whisper to each other and laugh, then he pretended that he cannot see me. Gaslighting, perhaps? He was trying to shame me. They play games on many levels.
It seemed that the ex-s had a lot of unresolved relationships that ended on horrible terms. He used to make fun of his exes. He told me this story often, laughing:
” …..yeah, she made me this dish that I liked, and she totally messed up, she had no idea how to cook it. It was disgusting. It was all runny and soggy, I was so disgusted by her cooking that I took the dish and chucked it out the window.”
Can anyone belive that I stayed with this guy after he told me me this story, laughing?
Dear Bob,
Thank you for sharing your story, and I am very glad that you got your kids! Yea, they are “pieces of work” for sure—and I am also glad that you have now remarried and I hope that your new relationship is a good one. Sounds like you have got your “chit” together now! Sorry it took you so long, it took me my entire life I think (I’m 62) but at last I did get there! Glad you did at an earlier point in your life!
I’m responding to what Matt said. To get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath. That is so funny I can’t stop laughing. When we use their tactics on them, it does seem to confuse them terribly. I doubt they get the connection and if they did they wouldn’t care anyway. But it does provide scant satisfaction to our wounded souls. And Matt, when we soiciopath back, we scare them. You can’t get rid of them if they sense any weakness. Good one.
C0;0rad0:
Using their own tactics on them is what I’ve heard called “mirroring” — and it can be satisfying, or so I’ve been told. What I was driving at is that these creatures, for lack of a better word, are devoid of feelings. To get rid of them, you have to become the same way.
Matt…your “S” and “ex” story…once again…same church, different pew. I looked back before the d&d (actually, during devalue, before discard). My ex-tox wanted to “give” a vehicle we weren’t using (it ran, low mileage) to a co-worker.
I said no (a year after the divorce it was creatively re-wired and rendered inoperable in a case of “criminal mischief”). She brought the same co-worker to our house to “look at” the furnace…I had told her, and he agreed, there was nothing wrong with it. Several other instances where she manipulated him into my prescence. Guess who the married co-worker was…the one with whom she had an affair later (or maybe then, who knows) and who now, three years later and still married to someone else, sleeps at the same house as my daughter most nights. I guess that amused and still amuses somebody…
Jim:
Isn’t it amazing when you look back at these “amusing” episodes how obvious and manipulative they are in retrospect? Yet, when we’re in the thick of it with one of these non-humans, we don’t see it at the time. Amusing, indeed.
Dear Greenfern –
Most important is what you have learned…how you have grown…what you now know as you build your future. The red flags will wave in front of you from miles away now…you will stop and change direction because you know what you want and deserve.
The women that have all the ex’s have nothing more than the boobie prize!!! They will will be devalued and discarded or remain supply and codependent – you Greenfern will grow and learn and become a more grounded self-everything person – thats the best possible outcome.
Im so glad you got out and away from that immature, toxic person. They are conniving creatures – who confuse the hell out of us — but once we sort it out we really do know we are better off without them. Surround yourself with goodness and people who have the same values as you do!!! It gets better out there with like minded people ..it really does!!!