REGISTER | LOGIN
By | June 3, 2010 306 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, then discovering the lies

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.

One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.

From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.

Met on a dating site

I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.

We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.

My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.

Quick wedding

Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.

The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.

Discovering the lies

Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days.  No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.

Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.

The real man

The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.

At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.

The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.

More lies

Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree.  The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.

The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.

Online profiles

I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.

Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.

Won’t divorce

I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.

After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.

I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.


306
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Ox Drover

Dear Nora, Welcome to LF! Thank you for sharing your story with the site! I’m sorry you had this experience, but glad that you at least kept your place and aren’t preg with twins! LOL Not to make light to your pain, because I am sure it is very real, but am sincerely glad it “isn’t worse.” If nothing else, no matter how badly we were treated, there is always someone in “worse” shoes than we have been!

That is the biggest and bestest thing about LF is that we know we are NOT ALONE! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

Dani S

Dear Nora,
Your husband and my husband sound very much the same. Thank god you were only with him for a short while. I stuck it out for 5 1/2 years I stayed long enough for the relationship to go beyond lying, emotionl and verbal abuse. I stayed around long enough to witness physical abuse too.

And like you, my ex wanted to get married really quickly and I was vonerable as well as I was going through a marriage seperation from my first husband of 11 years. I too couldn’t understand his need to marry me so quickly but I learnt that he could only keep the charade going for so long, so he needed a quick marriage before he was found out for the person he really was and he needed somewhere to live nd someone to look after him and to pay for everything.

He also said he wanted one relatioship that his parents could be proud of. He had many relationships prior and 2 girls to two other failed relationships. These mothers of course were no one he really liked but they got pregnant to trap him, yer right! He also needed to gain back his parents trust as not far down the track he “borrowed” $130,000″ off them for a business deal that of course failed and they never saw a cent of that money again.

After I left him apparently “he” ended the relationship because I was caught having an adulterous affair with my ex husband! Yer right! The stories and the slander put me in horrible place emotionally, but like you I ended up with a fantastic support group with his “exes” and more after me have joined that support network.

Unfortunatley you can not save other victims by staying married to him, I thought the same and only seeked a divorced 2 years after leaving him.
They will find there prey and take advantage of them regardless if he is still married or not and there will always be the stories so the victims feel sorry for him. He will probley say to them I love you so much, you are my world, I have never met anyone like you and I want to marry you but I cant yet because my wife is so in love with me she wont allow a divorce and I cant find her to do it or I cant afford it at the moment as my wife ripped me off of every cent I had blah blah blah!

They are not worth any hold, connection or tie to you. I caught mine out on dating sites and I changed his profile as he had written I have a fair understanding of trust, honesty and respect and are looking for a like minded women. I may have saved some women from dating him but in the end we just have to look after ourselves and save ourselves. They are best forgotton because they will never change.

Thank you for sharing your story and glad you found this site. Wish you strength in your recovery, stay strong and sorry like everyone else here you became a victim of a spath!!!!

alohatraveler

Dear Nora,

A good friend once told me, “No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.” I wish I had followed that bit of wisdom back when I met the bad man. I admitt, it rang through my ears over and over, especially as the red flags began to fly.

Thanks for sharing you story.

Aloha

GettingIt

Ouch, Nora, I relived my experience through your post. How sad that you’ve had to go through this. Up until the mid section, I was sure you are describing my ex. Except, he’s not taking care of his adult son.
I am glad your STD was treated. Mine will forever be with me, though it’s not AIDS or HIV, thank God. But, I have decided to remain celibate because it’s a pain to have to go through the disclosures.
And – I am glad you had no kids. Because I do and – Ouch again.
One thing I do not understand is why P is still around my child AND paying child support. His ex wife said he’d do no such a thing. Wish she were more supportive (like Your’s ex wives were). But, she kept telling me I should let him have his way and he’d tire sooner.
Mine lied about going to a grocery store. His purchases would come from K-Mart (marked on the bag), but he’d maintain it was Wall-Mart he went to. Glad your Mom was able to wise you up. Mine tried, but did not succeed.
Oxy, thanks for your support on the other post: I needed it and I am in total agreement with you.
Good luck Nora. He sure sounds psychopathic! This reminds me: mine planned a vacation for us. This was great. he just “forgot to pay” and I got stuck with the bill.

Dani S

Dear Getting it!
My ex paid for his second childs child support and we had her shared care. He did this because it helped him woo me… I thought that he must have been the best father in the world and having 2 children before I met him that was the most important thing to me. He also liked the control he had over his ex as I didnt realise at the time she was emotionally spent and didnt have the energy to fight him.

He didn’t pay for his oldest daughter as he had no control over her or her mother as she was older. My ex preyed on women just out of marriages cashed up after property settlement. The mojority of these women had children so for him to play the best supporting father role worked really well.

The interesting thing tho is when we seperated he abandond not only the child we had togther but also his middle child that we had shared care of for over 5 years. So now he dosent see any of his children nor pay any child support for any of them.
The thing with the spaths, only they know the reasons why they do things and it can changed as quick as the seasons change, they just do what seem good at the time and do a full backflip the next moment.

My ex also used his best supporting dad on the middle child, manipulaing her endlessly. Constantly reminding her that he loves her more than her own mother does with all he does for her and gives her. Just another game and when he got sick of that game he trottled off into the sunset…

I still have a close bond with the middle daughter and she stays with me quite often. She has in the end been just as affected by him as I. She is too young to understand how her father claimed to love her so much and then one day over 2 years ago just never picked her up or phoned her again. Very confusing for her but we tell her she is special and very loved and worthy of love but your dad was not well and had to go away.

The only thing you can rely on is they are unrealible, especially when it comes to money and attachments. I am glad he is paying child support and it would be wonderful if that last but you just never know what’s around the corner with them. He may just forget to pay one day like the vacation 🙂

GettingIt

Dani S,
Thank you – you gave me food for thought. I think I comprehend, though understanding all this is truly beyond me. I just pray for my child’s safety, and that goes for emotional too.
This got me to thinking – maybe, you are right, he’s wooing his next victim and being a great Dad. I am sure you hit it right on.

Thank you Nora for taking the time to write. Many posts like yours contain variants but essentially the tactics, motions and dialogue seem identical. One thing yet again that strikes me about all sociopaths – male or female is how immature they act; each time I read a story about a marriage/union as yours, I visualise a man in his late teens trying to be like an adult, trying to have relationships with adult women (whom I sense must scare (humiliate) sociopath men to a certain point, so their only response is to discredit their [the female’s] insight) but failing at practically everything. The film BIG (Tom Hanks) really comes to mind. Think about that storyline and how it resonates with the reality of living with a sociopath. The sociopath adult never grew up in his mind and tries spectacularly hard to function with adults, imitating their bheaviour to blend in, fails because they can’t handle the responsibility, drops it so fast as they never understood or wanted to understand empathy (that’s all adult sh!t), so dropping them at an instant is all they know how. So they’ve found it elsewhere, the whole charade happens, just different people involved, like a child they think in abstract terms how a lie lives until their victim questions, they learned to notice the same stress signals in their current woman and before they start ‘nagging’ him with adult like responsbilites as truth ——-> divorce, custody, bills, legalities, STDs, they project it all onto that woman. She’s out of their life, ‘geez what got into THAT crazy woman!”, then they start the whole cycle again, like children shrug off bad stuff in a moment without understanding the consequence of their behaviour. It’s easier to dump it onto the truthful insightful adult who simply couldn’t keep quiet. Their attention happens in short bursts, they’ll find something crazy and fun, get bored when the adult talk happens, learned to observe the stress signals and how using the mental health trap works, and seek the thrill elsewhere until that bores him… rinse, repeat. Think disorder – a personality disorder. We don’t have these problems with normal fucntioning people, disordered ones are impossible to function with. Imitating adults is how they survive but fail repeatedly. It is only when the thrill of game wears off and the woman isn’t going along with their game the thrill has gone.

Normal functioning adults understand love, they reciprocate, empathise, nuture adult like love to fellow adults and children. Disordered adults (as sociopaths) have no udnerstanding whatsover, they don’t feel it, learned from films and watching others how to act it, but don’t feel it like we do. We thik it’s a magical wonderous union, they think it’s a party that results in money and status. The ring and certificate and adult friends and adult job are all props and cast members in his world. If you put a red box on the table, you see a red box. They see an empty useless object that hasn’t got anything inside for him. It’s just a red box, but to sociopaths, there’ nothing inside it for them and it’s a useless object. An empty red box has many uses, but for the sociopath it’s useless as there’s nothing inside it for them.

bulletproof

Nora

Ah yes here we go again! identical only I did NOT marry the evil bastred in the end THANK GOD ALL THE ANGELS SAINTS MARY AND JOSEPH

He wanted the quick wedding, moved in as quick as he could (in every way imaginable) He told the truth until I trusted him and then lied continuously till I caught him out, he made off with a stack of money I’m still paying back to the bank I borrowed from, He was a womaniser, immature remorseless cretin from Hell, may his balls drop off, may he be unattractive to all other human beings and a pox on his house. May the rage that resides in every duped and heartbroken woman and child crash down on him till he is bolognese.

Outlier

Yes the humiliation I felt when the evil cretin began to become BORED with me…He was still lying through his fetid rotten teeth but he was almost yawning with how easy it had become and he just couldnt act anymore, I wasn’t turning out the goodies fast enough to warrant further oscar performances…so he got very reckless and the mask slipped, on purpose to show me enough of a glimpse so that I would ‘get lost’ and leave him to dupe someone else, I was NOT what he wanted anymore. It’s more than just immature, not grown up it is alien, foreign egotistical, selfish, shallow self centredness not deep…he would screw someone ten times deeper than him and not even realise it..

Buttons

{{{Nora}}} God bless you, girl, and thank you for sharing this painful story. It sounds, almost verbatim, like the ex spath’s MO, though he didn’t marry any of his victims (to my knowledge) after I left him.

The one thing that remains constant with spaths is the webs of deceit that they weave, whether it’s a romantic involvment, or a platonic relationship. They work around the clock to isolate and separate their victims from their safety networks. They always (without fail) paint their former relationships as being ruined by their exes. The ex spath always blamed me, even in converstation with anonymous “chatters.”

It is so inexpensive to obtain a marriage license – it really is. To obtain a decree of divorce can cost tens of thousands, even when the marriage could be proven to be an illegal scam.

Nora, you sound as if you’re well on your healing path and I truly appreciate your sharing your story – it helps to remind me that the ex spath had set me up from the very beginning, and that I would have found out the truths about him if I had not given in to that whirlwind romance. Once the vows are spoken, it’s Katie-Bar-The-Door, and anything goes as far as the destruction of the target goes.

Dani S

Getting it, understanding it is truly beyong all of us. We will never truly understand because we cant think and feel like them, but what we have to do to move on is except it!
In our world there is grey but spaths are black and we cant add a bit of white to make them grey like us.

They are like musicians they know how to play all the notes all the cords but that’s all they do “play”

I like you having a child to spath and are in fear of there influence over our children and I have seen first hand the devistation my ex caused his middle child. They are who they are and what they have done to us they will do to our children at some stage, I am sure.
I dont know how old your child is but keep communiction open and free with the child and hopefully the child will let you know of red flags when they arise.

Interesting my ex never formed a close bond with his first daughter because he was 22 when he had her. All the women he dated then didn’t have children so his eldest was an inconvenience to him.
There were many many times when she was little she would be waiting at the front door with her back pack on ready to go and he never turned up, no call or anything.

When he hit his 30’s all the women he dated had kids, so he needed to build there trust by being such a great dad to enable him to take from them. These women were the best targets. He only choose ones that had done alright out of property settlement, were vonerable and being mothers they were very giving and loving. Such a perfect Target!

Now in his 40’s the women have older children, children ready to fly the coup so he dosen’t need to play the perfect dad anymore because again his children will be an inconvenience like in his 20’s. And who know’s he prob tells the new women he dosent have any children.
There is always a story and a game going on in there heads! Keep us posted and stay strong!

Outlier you are so right! but I wouldn’t credit them as being like teeneages they are more like children lol
Not comprehending the rules, playing grown ups and mummy and daddy’s and have tantrums when they dont get there own way. 🙂

Dani S

Bulletproof…ohhh mine had rotten teeth too lol
but I thought he was the best looking thing to ever grace the earth, now I want to vomit!
Bolognese to them all lol! I am too still paying back the bank and now own nothing! makes you soooo angry dosent it, especially knowing they dont give a dam! Because there is another women right around the corner that is happy to look after and care for these poor people that have had a terrible time and there ex’s have done them over, poor them! grrrrr!

hens

rotten teeth = meth

Buttons

Or, in the case of the ex spath, cocaine…….

Dani S

my ex’s addiction was coca cola… Had 2-4 litres a day every day! Mine didn’t like drugs or alcohol as he always worked in security, he said he didn’t like not to feel in control!
Bahahha security!!! just writting that I realise what a joke that was, yes you could rely on feeling very secure with him!! Lucky he held a job where he was responsible for looking after people. What a joke!!

bluejay

Dani S,

You’re right about them being children, trying to play the part of a grown-up, but not really wanting some of the adult responsibilities (eg. earning a living to support himself and a family, etc.), possibly being incapable of doing so. My h-spath loves interacting with people (especially women), acting like such a great guy, a smooth talker. I live in a constant state of anger due to the upsets that he has caused me. He lies, lies, lies. It’s beyond him to acknowledge and rectify the trouble that he causes in people’s lives. I have said about my h-spath that he is a 52 year old juvenile delinquent.

Dani S

And bluejay that is he will ever be, a juvenile delinquent. I think it is funny when they actually tell the truth because you dont believe them anyway. It amazes me that they even lie about really silly little things, like what’s the point??? But I guess they only know one mode of operation!
Yes my ex h spath is a lady’s man, actually loves all new people, people that he can suck into his web and bull crap, he loves watching them play into his hand.

The anger is hard to move on from, I try not to care because he dosn’t give me a second thought of what he did, the financial, emotional dispear but it is so hard isn’t it! Just remember our lives will always be better than theres, we can recover, they go to the grave being who they are and I know it isn’t fun for them, it is frustrating that they have to keep going with there conning and lying moving on to new people as they always get caught out, It would be exhursting !! 🙂

bluejay

Dani S,

He will usually tell me the truth about our children, but other topics, not always sure what the truth is. I am at the point where I half listen to him – he aggravates me too much.

sweetcynic

My dad always told me 3 huge red flags in people – Those who lie, those who feel that you owe them your trust, and those who feel that you owe them your forgiveness. He taught me that if I’m feeling apprehensive about trusting someone, there’s probably a good reason, and that forgiveness should be an option, not a requirement, especially if they don’t seem to be sincerely remorseful. I think too many people are taught that they “have” to trust and forgive people whether it’s really a wise thing to do or not.

bluejay

sweetcynic,

You were blessed to have a father who talked to you, giving you good advice. Growing up, my parents never talked to us like this, causing all of us (five kids) to figure things out for ourselves, not really teaching us “the way of the world.” When you have the know-how about how things actually are (and you remember the advice), you’re better able to maneuver through life. This is a lesson to me, I need to be a better communicator to my children, preparing them for the future, especially regarding human nature, what kind of people walk the earth. Thanks for your post. Food for thought.

sweetcynic

Thanks bluejay. My dad and I also had experience getting burned in different ways my my mom’s ex-P boyfriend. My father provided an immense amount of emotional support to me in dealing with the P’s aftermath, even though I didn’t tell him everything until much later. My dad and I have a good relationship.

sweetcynic

I mean P ex-boyfriend, not ex-P boyfriend

bluejay

sweetcynic,

Isn’t it nice to have wonderful people in your life, who are there when you need them most? You just want to be the same back at them.

blueskies

sweetcynic – your father sounds wonderful.x It warms my cockles to hear about your relationship:)x
I think I get into such a funk sometimes about never having people around me whom I can trust (big boo-hoo pity party me)… both you and bluejay have given me more positive food for thought. so thankyou too:)x

silvermoon

WOW!
OUr stories are so much alike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing yours.

How did you get him bumped off the dating sites?

GettingIt

Disappointed,
I am sure there are many more readers, than posters, but -as you know – this is a great site for support and information exchanges. I’ve learned a lot by asking the questions
I am sure if you choose and request that some of posters do not respond to your posts, your request will be honored

there is something liberating about being able to share your story and get feedback too. I am sure we are as different as we are alike in our grief, and each one deals with it in their own and unique way. I felt compelled to respond to you because nobody else did yet. but, I don’t do empathy well. Hell, I am just happy when I don’t offend anyone.

bulletproof

Dani S

Ha Ha I thought he was ‘gorgeous’ too, what kinda spell was I under. All the feelings I had for him are really falling away…the guy was rotten to the core…He “thinks” he is GODS GIFT TO WOMENKIND he would have no problem feeling ENTITLED to any woman he likes, using all his slimy ugly cunning….picture this good looking guy smiling and the rotten teeth…that’s my lasting image of him.

He was using my money to get fillings etc but you would need replacement teeth his problem was so bad….METH? no…this guy despised drugs (and drug addicts) but I have seen him accept a smoke that was being passed around…ONLY so he could blend in. I would say it was sweets and not brushing his teeth…he was a minimalist when it came to grooming.

He travelled light, just enough so he could up roots anytime and walk. As long as he was moving he was living….he either moved around fast or conked out asleep, not much in between….but boy could he shmooze up to women, he had this honest vibe (Yet was a total liar) I think he was so dedicated to getting by undetected, he would really model honesty, loyalty, genuineness – they were the class acts if you like, his winning deck of cards. I can just hear him bullshitting some innocent woman out there, he had so many on the go the last time I heard (year ago)

I would really love to put a warning out there about him but fear the consequences. I am getting my life back, surely that’s enough. I can’t track this evil…but I do feel restless that he is out there like a modern day vampire sucking the life blood out of innocent empathic women (and god help the children) yes I am angry…I could really destroy a psychopath today with this anger!!! they would probably enjoy it too much

bulletproof

disappointed

Don’t let one person (or anyone) stop you from expressing yourself (like you just did) You are as valid as anyone else on this site and I would love to hear more of what you think, but obviously you have been here longer than me and I accept how you feel. Every one is going to be different, difficult, yet it is still okay to express it. That is my belief otherwise I wouldn’t be here either.

I am very angry and whilst I apologise if I trigger anyone, it’s just where does this anger go? I don’t want to spew at loved ones who by and large don’t really “get “how impacted I am by this experience…you folk here on lovefraud DO understand. I am a year away from this man and still I am haunted by revenge fantasies, withdrawal from life, isolated with the impact because no one wants to hear it…why would they ..it’s nearly impossible to understand unless you have been there.

Of course there is going to be ‘group dynamics’ whether we are in the same room or on a site, the energy has certain dynamics.
We usually end up assuming a role we had in our family of origin UNLESS you decide to interact DIFFERENTLY (My role was rebel and I tend to want to tussle with your view of the world, once I cop on to what im doing I stop it, and just listen because I have reframed it to everyone’s opinion is valid whether I agree or not ) so I invite you back on here to try and relate to ‘that person’ again with exactely how you feel, my total support to you in doing that.

Cat

Dear Nora, Thank you for sharing! I find no shame at all in what you’ve written; instead I find courage and strength! You spoke of many of the traits these people have and I related to much of what you said. You also sound as though you are well into the healing process and that you know yourself well. Kudos to you!
My ex-spath was still married when I met him, though I didn’t know it. He was divorced 2 months after we had met. He had failed to tell me this. He also failed to tell me he was an addict and had a criminal record as well. I had always believed that a person is innocent until proven guilty. Today, I don’t think that way at all.
Like your ex, mine moved with lightening speed. Before I could blink, we were under the same roof and he was calling either home or where I worked constantly to just tell me how much he loved me. Yeah…right.
I had to smile about the roses. My ex sent roses to where I worked, constantly came home with them or something else for me. This was all in the first several months of meeting him. Those I worked with thought he was wonderful and that I was a lucky woman. Little did they, or I, know what was to come.

And then the mask came off. I found out he had cheated on me and his response was INSANE. It became a twisted, contorted mess of lies. He “slipped”. He didn’t mean it. (That part is true, they really do NOT mean it becaue it means nothing to them.) The abusive, snide comments started and then he “fell off the wagon”, which I didn’t know he had been on in the first place. He was on dating sites, looking for women and men as well. He took thousands and spent it on drugs. All of it was too much.
There must have been a part of me that was paying attention in all of this because I never married him. Twice, he gave me a ring and I said no. I’m not surprised your ex won’t agree to the divorce. There is “something” in them that hangs on even while they have moved on to their next conquest. Divorce is something I have not had to contend with and I thank God for that! We do have a son together, but he isn’t even making any real attempts to see this child now.

I am SO glad you connected with his exes. While it must have been bittersweet, this is power in knowledge and out of this must have come a sigh of relief that you were not alone. While I have not connected with any of my spath’s exes, I truly believe today that they weren’t the witches he described them as. I’m quite sure they were, and still are, very nice women who happened to be the perfect prey for him at the time.
Recently, I came across an ad my ex spath had placed on a dating site. He clearly states that he HAD to leave his last partner(me) due to verbal and mental abuse and that he is looking for a REAL person who will treat him as well as he treats them. I’m thinking he’s not getting any bites at all! LOL! I actually laughed when I read it and there’s a part of me that wants to warn others about him. I just want to do it legally so as not to put myself in any trouble. I applaud you for contacting the dating sites and telling them about him. It most likely won’t stop him from doing what he’s doing, but if any of us can take any steps to at least try to help others, that’s a good thing!
And YES, you can hold your head high. I’ve come to realize that while my ex’s love wasn’t real, mine was and that’s OK. It is not ours to carry their lack of emotion and it’s not about being “good enough” for them. They simply cannot truly love.
Thanks for sharing and keep coming back! LF is a wonderful place and has been a saving grace for me.
Hugs,
Cat

pollyannanomore

Dear Nora
thankyou for having the bravery to share your story – you are with kindred spirits here who have been through the chaos and hell of a relationship with a sociopath. I am sorry you went through that – there are no words to describe the pain and anguish it causes. Well we each know that if we think back far enough.

Mine was similar to your situation. Quick courtship and into marriage quickly. Mine wasn’t even divorced from the previous wife at the time we met. After that a decade of awfulness while he tortured me in mental ways that I can’t even now coherently articulate. I lost myself in it. It was profoundly damaging and I am not the same afterwards.

I hope you’re recovering well from this and healing each day that goes by.

silvermoon

It is true that there are these disordered people in the world. It is true that the things they do fool the unsuspecting who believe them. And we were all caught there.

Caught like fish in a net.

Because what they did fulfilled some ideas we had about the way things ought to be. We did accept what we were offered.

Its not good or bad – its just true that we did. And that when we realized what was true about what we accepted, it rocked the foundations of our belief systems.

After discovering the truth, we are not the same. We can not be.

I take a dim view of anyone who says they would not have been fooled because I think that anybody could be fooled by another who does so with intention and there are greater and lesser proportions of it in all people.

There is no black and white, there are degrees.

This is true all over the world. But what we know is true, here, now.

I think Nora,Cat, Pollyanna and I married the same guy. It is amazing how close the stories are.

For my own part, I am grateful to the people who were looking for him who ultimately saved me from a long time in hell because it would have taken me a long time to find my way here I am afraid.

And for all of us here, away from where we were, of a different mind, we have much fortune. I can not help but feel for the many who belong but have not arrived here -yet.

This IS a journey not back from but in a direction that for so many of us is very different from where we might have headed without the experience that brought us here. And life has always had the power to serve any of us grievous experience. There are many options for that.

So I look for a way to be thankful for the chance to learn and to grow. I look for ways to release and let go of the one person who brought the experience to my door.

And for safe ways to enjoy the part of myself who was innocent and child like enough to trust. I won’t give her up, but, I must, as we all do have to protect that part myself better.

The key in it all, in all the writing, story telling, discovery and legal remedy is to let go of the perpetrators and to hold on to the core of who we are.

Tempered by these fires, made wiser by tribulation and learned that what love is, is much deeper and more positive than the experiences we had.

Find peace and strength in knowing it is much simply to be here and to speak out and that the journey goes on.

Ox Drover

Dear Silvermoon,

ABSOLUTELY! We are NOT who we would have been if we had not had this experience. Just as a rock that has been tumbled down the mountain side by a glacier, then rolled into the river and tumbled along, we are CHANGED from what we would have been if we had been left on the mountain top.

We have been abbraded by everything from the other stones we touched as we traveled to the water itself, until we are POLISHED into something very fine!

Jesus gave the example of fine silver being refined in the hot fires to remove the impurities, and the challenges that we meet are for us that refining fire. Those challenges are that abbrasion of the stone as it travels down the mountain, polishing and refining us.

silvermoon

Ox,

I really like the word abraded.

It is on my mind this afternoon. A peaceful afternoon in the countryside of PA.

(Hi Buttons!)

The natural beauty of the landscape in this Valley recalls to me all that is serene and bucholic. What is beautiful is unaltered by the behavior of people in this context.

I breath in and out the smell of grass and rivers and flowers and
horses and it is good.

The last time I was here, I was not alone, but accompanied in a dream state by the person who lulled me to sleep in it.

For months I did not dream because prior to his departure, I dreamt about HIM everytime I slept. And it is new to me to be dreaming again. He no longer resident there.

So rested and refined, I am going to a spa on a reckless notion that it is fitting to enjoy such reward on a beautiful day in a beautiful place and wind up polished at the end of it.

Yes OX, once again you ring the bell with a word which is clear and exact.

Best to you!

Ox Drover

Dear Silvermoon,

I think in so many ways the encounters we have had with the psychopaths, though so painful at the time, have been beneficial for us in the end.

When a bone is broken in the body, it repairs itself, and in that broken spot is much stronger than it was before the break. I think when the breaks and cracks caused by our encounters with the psychopaths do heal we are stronger and better in many ways than we were before the damage.

It’s interesting that you mention the dreams—lately I have been dreaming about both my biological sons, the P son in prison and my other son that I asked to leave my house, but none of the dreams have been “nightmares” but just dreams. I don’t wake up upset and the dream itself is not distressing, just accepting of how things are.

Last night son C came to my house in my dream, and apparently just for a visit, and I was busy so I very nicely but firmly asked him to leave. No upset, just accepting.

I think we use our dreams to work out problems at night that we have during the day, or to tell us in symbolic ways (usually not too subtle) messages we “see” with our gut but don’t necessarily acknowledge consciously.

My “theme” dreams, as I call them, of me stopping whatever I am doing and “rescuing” something that is “helpless,” while the rest of my life falls apart, were interesting that way. As soon as I finally “got the message” about how enabling I had been, and how I had been distracted from my own journey by assuming responsibility for others, those dreams stopped for the most part.

I think, too, that having the peace and quiet and solitude to think, ruminate and commune with ourselves is very important to our healing. Too many times we have too much “noise” in our lives to be able to examine our feelings, or thoughts and grasp the insights we have been given.

Glad I rang your chimes Silvermoon! Today Ii wish I was in Pennsylvania instead of the south! LOL

silvermoon

Ox,

As my friends on the other side of the “Line” says that that Yankees are like hemeroids…. they are fine if they go back up and stay, but when they come down, there are a real pain in the……

Its better to come visit them…….(tee hee)

neveragain

“Nora” I understand and applaud your reasons for staying married to him, but I urge you to get a divorce as soon as possible. You are in a vulnerable position legally aren’t you? Doesn’t anything he do financially impact your credit history? Aren’t you ultimately responsible too for his debts as his wife? Maybe I have that wrong, but it seems a very scary position to be in. You need to be sure to take care of yourself first, and if he is determined to hurt other women, he will lie and do it anyway.

luv716

Its will be a year in july that I slept with the s, it was july 2009 when the s got the last borrowed money from me, I dont wanna talk or see that person again in my life, I want to forget I ever known that person. But I cant help but hope his life on earth is a life of hell, I found his wife facebook page (he back with her) my yearn for revenage wants to request her to add the person that I made up just to expose that s.o.b but my gut tells me to leave it alone. Sometimes I sit an I think of all I lost by letting that devil in my life all that my kids has lost by me allowing this devil into my world. Things moved so fast before I could blink I thought I was in love. Now that I’ve been celibate for almost I year I know what red flags look like. Now that I’ve let him go why cant I let the need for revenge go??????????

hens

Hi Luv That feeling of needing revenge is normal. It has only been one year for you, give yourself more time, this is a life lesson we will never forget. But your revenge is going no contact and staying no contact. Dont upset yourself by going to facebook, delete your account and stay out of facebook. Glad you are healing and learning about creatures like him..Prison’s are full of people who get revenge, I prefer living a good life without him, now that is revenge to me..

Psyche

Hi Luv716
I can’t tell you for sure why you can’t let the need for revenge go, but I couldn’t (maybe it will be similar for you). Mainly I wanted justice, and thought there was NO WAY I could ever hope to get it from society that doesn’t understand Spaths. I wanted that bastard to HURT, like he hurt me, and wanted what was stolen from me back (my life!). I knew I wasn’t going to get those things the way I’d like, and I wanted him to PAY till he was dead for his crimes.

The first thing I had to do, to really start letting the need for revenge go, was to tell myself it’s 100% OK to feel complete rage over what my S did. Once I let myself feel okay about having the feelings of rage and wanting to absolutely kill/mame and or shame the S and everyone who ever abused me, I started feeling better. It’s like I just needed to admit it was OK, it was my right to feel exactly the way I did.

If you find it helps you, just sit there with your anger and your rage and say “I have every right in the world to feel like killing this person. I want to beat this person until they’re dead.” (or say whatever it is you’re feeling, really feeling, and tell yourself it is OK). (Just don’t act on the feelings!!). That was the first step for me towards feeling better. Acceptance of these really harsh, horrible negative feelings helped me. I don’t think the feelings would have ever gotten better, unless I accepted them, and honored my right to have them. It was like giving myself the right to feel the anger that I did.

Since then I don’t feel the need for revenge, at least not most days. And I moved on to the next stages of healing, but I don’t want to bore you with all of that.

I know it sounds backwards, but if you resist or reject your feelings (desires for revenge), they can become stronger, and stay with you longer. If you try to let your feelings go without honoring them, they may not be willing to go away.

Hope that helps,
Psyche ((( hugs )))

GettingIt

I know a colleague, who was happily married. She is very pretty, was married to a handsome, smart, professional man and had a child with him. They seemed healthy and well to do. All of a sudden – divorce. And – merely two months later, he is taking his new girlfriend to another city. They split the kid 50% – 50%. Literally – one week with Mom and one week with Dad. She is trying to act as she always did – smiling, grouped, but her eyes are so sad. I just went up to her and really – gave her a hug and shed a tear. Could it be that the whole world had gone insane? that people have someone and continue to look for a “better someone”. Is it like buying a car nowadays?
I was watching this beautiful couple in the restaurant. Obviously, newly hooked up. Both middle aged. both very handsome looking. I could not stop thinking about how long this will last…
At least, the food was good.

Ox Drover

Dear Luv, Psyche gave you some GREAT advice. I agree with her 110 %—don’t reject those feelings, you have a RIGHT and it is natural to FEEL THAT WAY when someone has betrayed you! FEEL THOSE FEELINGS!!!! It is OK.

I know you don’t want to feel that angry, mad, wrathful the rest of your life, but there’s no time limit on when you can start to let those feelings go, so in the meantime, just feel them. It is cleansing–for a while, and when you are ready you can let that bitterness go, because HE will STOP being meaningful in your heart! ((((hugs))))

PureWaters

I’m new here, but I want to participate 🙂

One thing that helped me getting over my hurt and anger towards my ex-sociopath boyfriend was envisioning taking back my love and energy from him.

I actually read the technique from another website, and it seemed funny (I’m not big into meditation), at the time. But, I realized a lot of my anger stemmed from the fact that I had drained myself of so much love and effort just to support this person, who not only manipulated and abused me, but took delight in it.

So, what I did was just pictured in my mind, a ball of blue-green (my) energy being taken from him and brought back to me. And, that was it. And, I really feel like I’ve recovered a bit of my soul.

Also, realizing that he was a fraud, and that who I was in love with was just an illusion; taking back my love from the real him, made me feel less betrayed and angry.

Further advice, that I’ve used, has been to “mother” myself through the process of the incredible pain, and accept and nurture myself through the process, whatever feelings and ideas hit me.

It’s been somewhat helpful, because I felt a lot of disturbing emotions after going through this. I think before meeting my ex, I was overly-empathic, and when I was with him, I got to see up close and personal a view of the world that deeply disturbed me. And, that view still haunts me, almost wants to play through me. Hope that doesn’t sound too vague.

I know that I can’t allow his anger and venom to take me over. I am drained and hurt, and maybe less settled and accomplished in certain ways that I would’ve been, had I not met him. But, I can’t let myself fall by the wayside and lose my ability to see the good and innocence in life, ultimately losing my ability to love.

Good luck to everyone here. I’m glad to participate, and hope I can learn from you.

super chic

PureWaters, Hi !!! 🙂
I am so glad you found this website because it sounds
like we can learn something from you!!
I also feel drained and hurt,
and I look back at what I was like before
and I was just doing the best I knew how…
I know what you mean about “mothering” the self,
just can’t beat myself up about it anymore.
Learned a lot about myself here at LF,
I was a total empath… to my own detriment.
Don’t want to lose my ability to see the good and innocence,
sometimes I am afraid I have.
So nice to meet you, love your screen name!!!!!

PureWaters

Thanks, Shabbychic. I was reading this article and wanted to participate in the discussion – and had to think of a quick user name. Now, I’m afraid people will think I’m selling water! Hahaha. Glad you like it, though.

ErinBrock

Purewaters:
No….not selling water….it sounds like a healing name to me, very peaceful!!!

Welcome to LF and thanks for your contribution!
We survivors need to stick together and offer whatever insight we have been picked up by!!!

I closed my eyes after I read about your blue/green ball being taken back……GREAT VISUAL.

Thanks again for sharing, I look forward to hearing more from you!

XXOO
EB

super chic

PureWaters, hahahaha, no, I agree with EB, it is a very peaceful sounding name! Look at the quick user name I came up with! I just looked at a book on the bookshelf and I love Rachel Ashwell’s style, so… shabbychic, shabby, ugh! haha
shabola, chic, shab, drab, crab, hahaha, maybe it just means I’m slightly used but still beautiful, yeah, that’s it, I like it!

PureWaters

Thanks ErinBrock. I’ve been doing the majority of my healing in solitude. I don’t share my story with others, for fear of traumatizing them (haha), and for the fact that I really don’t think enough people understand what it’s like to be abused by a sociopath.

But, tonight, after spending another night in “fear” of the ex (I do fear that he’ll come back around, one day), I realized I wanted to speak with other people going though the same stuff.

I like your user name name, too, because Erin Brockovich is great!

super chic

PureWaters, the ex came back after I hadn’t seen him for a year, after his liver trasplant, and he just wanted to jump back into the way things were before, but I wasn’t going for it, told him not to call or come over. This was in April. I kind of relived a lot of my pain, I still want him, but not the real him, why go through all that again. He said God gave him a second chance, but he had not changed one bit. The whole thing has really bummed me out. Crap.

super chic

Well, it’s only 11:12pm here, but I have to go,
have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning.

Dani S

Bulletproof, I think we must hae been with the same bloke lol lol! and I think they maybe can cast spells coz thats the only way I can explain it too and I did some naughty things after we broke up to undo him, it made me feel better at the time but the only thing that really makes you feel better is time, distance and just worrying about ourselves.
We have all spent sooo much energy on these people because they are emotional vampires, I try to pull my self up everytime I think of him as I dont want to give him further satifaction that I care anymore, but I know it is so hard isn’t it? not to want to keep exposing them for how much they have hurt and taken from us.

Pure Water thanks for jumping on, we mostly love hearing other stories and oppinions. It helps us all heal being here, a place were everyone understands and respect one another and try to make sense of the madness. I understand your fear, my ex husband was violent and I had to move to place he didn’t know where me or his daughter were, but for over a year I had the curtains drawn and I wouldn’t answer the door if someone knocked and was always looking over my sholder when i went out. I figured tho I was frozen in time and i couldn’t move on with such fear, so I thought well I would rather a suprise attack than live every second in fear.
The fear is real and they also play on it as it is what keeps a lot of them in relationship. I wish you well and lots of strenth in your recover and look forward to hearing from you again.

Shabbychic keep going forwards, you know there is no future with him… It is so painful letting go beause we love them (don’t know why) think it is that spell thingy!!! But as you said you dont want the real him, unfortunatley that’s what you will get!! pleaz dont go backwards!!!! Stay strong!! 🙂

ErinBrock

PureWaters:
Erin Brockovich was an inspiration to me. I kicked some sociopathic butt during my hell years and HAD to keep going!

This journey has taught us all so much. I have learned I need to try to keep a balance. A balance of happiness, fear and pain.
Sometimes it’s so easy to fall prey to the fear.

We must do all we can to divert our minds from that paralyzing fear.
I understand living with….’when will he return’ and ‘how will I protect us’ aspect of the fear.

We also must remember that 99.9% of the fear we live with never materializes.

This is where we must keep a balance.
Protection of ourselves vs. awareness.

We can do it!!!

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend