Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Dear Nora, Welcome to LF! Thank you for sharing your story with the site! I’m sorry you had this experience, but glad that you at least kept your place and aren’t preg with twins! LOL Not to make light to your pain, because I am sure it is very real, but am sincerely glad it “isn’t worse.” If nothing else, no matter how badly we were treated, there is always someone in “worse” shoes than we have been!
That is the biggest and bestest thing about LF is that we know we are NOT ALONE! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Dear Nora,
Your husband and my husband sound very much the same. Thank god you were only with him for a short while. I stuck it out for 5 1/2 years I stayed long enough for the relationship to go beyond lying, emotionl and verbal abuse. I stayed around long enough to witness physical abuse too.
And like you, my ex wanted to get married really quickly and I was vonerable as well as I was going through a marriage seperation from my first husband of 11 years. I too couldn’t understand his need to marry me so quickly but I learnt that he could only keep the charade going for so long, so he needed a quick marriage before he was found out for the person he really was and he needed somewhere to live nd someone to look after him and to pay for everything.
He also said he wanted one relatioship that his parents could be proud of. He had many relationships prior and 2 girls to two other failed relationships. These mothers of course were no one he really liked but they got pregnant to trap him, yer right! He also needed to gain back his parents trust as not far down the track he “borrowed” $130,000″ off them for a business deal that of course failed and they never saw a cent of that money again.
After I left him apparently “he” ended the relationship because I was caught having an adulterous affair with my ex husband! Yer right! The stories and the slander put me in horrible place emotionally, but like you I ended up with a fantastic support group with his “exes” and more after me have joined that support network.
Unfortunatley you can not save other victims by staying married to him, I thought the same and only seeked a divorced 2 years after leaving him.
They will find there prey and take advantage of them regardless if he is still married or not and there will always be the stories so the victims feel sorry for him. He will probley say to them I love you so much, you are my world, I have never met anyone like you and I want to marry you but I cant yet because my wife is so in love with me she wont allow a divorce and I cant find her to do it or I cant afford it at the moment as my wife ripped me off of every cent I had blah blah blah!
They are not worth any hold, connection or tie to you. I caught mine out on dating sites and I changed his profile as he had written I have a fair understanding of trust, honesty and respect and are looking for a like minded women. I may have saved some women from dating him but in the end we just have to look after ourselves and save ourselves. They are best forgotton because they will never change.
Thank you for sharing your story and glad you found this site. Wish you strength in your recovery, stay strong and sorry like everyone else here you became a victim of a spath!!!!
Dear Nora,
A good friend once told me, “No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.” I wish I had followed that bit of wisdom back when I met the bad man. I admitt, it rang through my ears over and over, especially as the red flags began to fly.
Thanks for sharing you story.
Aloha
Ouch, Nora, I relived my experience through your post. How sad that you’ve had to go through this. Up until the mid section, I was sure you are describing my ex. Except, he’s not taking care of his adult son.
I am glad your STD was treated. Mine will forever be with me, though it’s not AIDS or HIV, thank God. But, I have decided to remain celibate because it’s a pain to have to go through the disclosures.
And – I am glad you had no kids. Because I do and – Ouch again.
One thing I do not understand is why P is still around my child AND paying child support. His ex wife said he’d do no such a thing. Wish she were more supportive (like Your’s ex wives were). But, she kept telling me I should let him have his way and he’d tire sooner.
Mine lied about going to a grocery store. His purchases would come from K-Mart (marked on the bag), but he’d maintain it was Wall-Mart he went to. Glad your Mom was able to wise you up. Mine tried, but did not succeed.
Oxy, thanks for your support on the other post: I needed it and I am in total agreement with you.
Good luck Nora. He sure sounds psychopathic! This reminds me: mine planned a vacation for us. This was great. he just “forgot to pay” and I got stuck with the bill.
Dear Getting it!
My ex paid for his second childs child support and we had her shared care. He did this because it helped him woo me… I thought that he must have been the best father in the world and having 2 children before I met him that was the most important thing to me. He also liked the control he had over his ex as I didnt realise at the time she was emotionally spent and didnt have the energy to fight him.
He didn’t pay for his oldest daughter as he had no control over her or her mother as she was older. My ex preyed on women just out of marriages cashed up after property settlement. The mojority of these women had children so for him to play the best supporting father role worked really well.
The interesting thing tho is when we seperated he abandond not only the child we had togther but also his middle child that we had shared care of for over 5 years. So now he dosent see any of his children nor pay any child support for any of them.
The thing with the spaths, only they know the reasons why they do things and it can changed as quick as the seasons change, they just do what seem good at the time and do a full backflip the next moment.
My ex also used his best supporting dad on the middle child, manipulaing her endlessly. Constantly reminding her that he loves her more than her own mother does with all he does for her and gives her. Just another game and when he got sick of that game he trottled off into the sunset…
I still have a close bond with the middle daughter and she stays with me quite often. She has in the end been just as affected by him as I. She is too young to understand how her father claimed to love her so much and then one day over 2 years ago just never picked her up or phoned her again. Very confusing for her but we tell her she is special and very loved and worthy of love but your dad was not well and had to go away.
The only thing you can rely on is they are unrealible, especially when it comes to money and attachments. I am glad he is paying child support and it would be wonderful if that last but you just never know what’s around the corner with them. He may just forget to pay one day like the vacation 🙂
Dani S,
Thank you – you gave me food for thought. I think I comprehend, though understanding all this is truly beyond me. I just pray for my child’s safety, and that goes for emotional too.
This got me to thinking – maybe, you are right, he’s wooing his next victim and being a great Dad. I am sure you hit it right on.
Thank you Nora for taking the time to write. Many posts like yours contain variants but essentially the tactics, motions and dialogue seem identical. One thing yet again that strikes me about all sociopaths – male or female is how immature they act; each time I read a story about a marriage/union as yours, I visualise a man in his late teens trying to be like an adult, trying to have relationships with adult women –(whom I sense must scare (humiliate) sociopath men to a certain point, so their only response is to discredit their [the female’s] insight) –but failing at practically everything. The film BIG (Tom Hanks) really comes to mind. Think about that storyline and how it resonates with the reality of living with a sociopath. The sociopath adult never grew up in his mind and tries spectacularly hard to function with adults, imitating their bheaviour to blend in, fails because they can’t handle the responsibility, drops it so fast as they never understood or wanted to understand empathy (that’s all adult sh!t), so dropping them at an instant is all they know how. So they’ve found it elsewhere, the whole charade happens, just different people involved, like a child they think in abstract terms how a lie lives until their victim questions, they learned to notice the same stress signals in their current woman and before they start ‘nagging’ him with adult like responsbilites as truth ——-> divorce, custody, bills, legalities, STDs, they project it all onto that woman. She’s out of their life, ‘geez what got into THAT crazy woman!”, then they start the whole cycle again, like children shrug off bad stuff in a moment without understanding the consequence of their behaviour. It’s easier to dump it onto the truthful insightful adult who simply couldn’t keep quiet. Their attention happens in short bursts, they’ll find something crazy and fun, get bored when the adult talk happens, learned to observe the stress signals and how using the mental health trap works, and seek the thrill elsewhere until that bores him… rinse, repeat. Think disorder – a personality disorder. We don’t have these problems with normal fucntioning people, disordered ones are impossible to function with. Imitating adults is how they survive but fail repeatedly. It is only when the thrill of game wears off and the woman isn’t going along with their game the thrill has gone.
Normal functioning adults understand love, they reciprocate, empathise, nuture adult like love to fellow adults and children. Disordered adults (as sociopaths) have no udnerstanding whatsover, they don’t feel it, learned from films and watching others how to act it, but don’t feel it like we do. We thik it’s a magical wonderous union, they think it’s a party that results in money and status. The ring and certificate and adult friends and adult job are all props and cast members in his world. If you put a red box on the table, you see a red box. They see an empty useless object that hasn’t got anything inside for him. It’s just a red box, but to sociopaths, there’ nothing inside it for them and it’s a useless object. An empty red box has many uses, but for the sociopath it’s useless as there’s nothing inside it for them.
Nora
Ah yes here we go again! identical only I did NOT marry the evil bastred in the end THANK GOD ALL THE ANGELS SAINTS MARY AND JOSEPH
He wanted the quick wedding, moved in as quick as he could (in every way imaginable) He told the truth until I trusted him and then lied continuously till I caught him out, he made off with a stack of money I’m still paying back to the bank I borrowed from, He was a womaniser, immature remorseless cretin from Hell, may his balls drop off, may he be unattractive to all other human beings and a pox on his house. May the rage that resides in every duped and heartbroken woman and child crash down on him till he is bolognese.
Outlier
Yes the humiliation I felt when the evil cretin began to become BORED with me…He was still lying through his fetid rotten teeth but he was almost yawning with how easy it had become and he just couldnt act anymore, I wasn’t turning out the goodies fast enough to warrant further oscar performances…so he got very reckless and the mask slipped, on purpose to show me enough of a glimpse so that I would ‘get lost’ and leave him to dupe someone else, I was NOT what he wanted anymore. It’s more than just immature, not grown up it is alien, foreign egotistical, selfish, shallow self centredness not deep…he would screw someone ten times deeper than him and not even realise it..
{{{Nora}}} God bless you, girl, and thank you for sharing this painful story. It sounds, almost verbatim, like the ex spath’s MO, though he didn’t marry any of his victims (to my knowledge) after I left him.
The one thing that remains constant with spaths is the webs of deceit that they weave, whether it’s a romantic involvment, or a platonic relationship. They work around the clock to isolate and separate their victims from their safety networks. They always (without fail) paint their former relationships as being ruined by their exes. The ex spath always blamed me, even in converstation with anonymous “chatters.”
It is so inexpensive to obtain a marriage license – it really is. To obtain a decree of divorce can cost tens of thousands, even when the marriage could be proven to be an illegal scam.
Nora, you sound as if you’re well on your healing path and I truly appreciate your sharing your story – it helps to remind me that the ex spath had set me up from the very beginning, and that I would have found out the truths about him if I had not given in to that whirlwind romance. Once the vows are spoken, it’s Katie-Bar-The-Door, and anything goes as far as the destruction of the target goes.
Getting it, understanding it is truly beyong all of us. We will never truly understand because we cant think and feel like them, but what we have to do to move on is except it!
In our world there is grey but spaths are black and we cant add a bit of white to make them grey like us.
They are like musicians they know how to play all the notes all the cords but that’s all they do “play”
I like you having a child to spath and are in fear of there influence over our children and I have seen first hand the devistation my ex caused his middle child. They are who they are and what they have done to us they will do to our children at some stage, I am sure.
I dont know how old your child is but keep communiction open and free with the child and hopefully the child will let you know of red flags when they arise.
Interesting my ex never formed a close bond with his first daughter because he was 22 when he had her. All the women he dated then didn’t have children so his eldest was an inconvenience to him.
There were many many times when she was little she would be waiting at the front door with her back pack on ready to go and he never turned up, no call or anything.
When he hit his 30’s all the women he dated had kids, so he needed to build there trust by being such a great dad to enable him to take from them. These women were the best targets. He only choose ones that had done alright out of property settlement, were vonerable and being mothers they were very giving and loving. Such a perfect Target!
Now in his 40’s the women have older children, children ready to fly the coup so he dosen’t need to play the perfect dad anymore because again his children will be an inconvenience like in his 20’s. And who know’s he prob tells the new women he dosent have any children.
There is always a story and a game going on in there heads! Keep us posted and stay strong!
Outlier you are so right! but I wouldn’t credit them as being like teeneages they are more like children lol
Not comprehending the rules, playing grown ups and mummy and daddy’s and have tantrums when they dont get there own way. 🙂