Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
ErinBrock,
Goll, he is demented. I bet he could actually sound convincing even though it is the most absurd thing ever. That is their gift, they believe their own lies.
It defies reason, how they think that everyone should believe them and are upset when they don’t. Yours probably tried to charm the judge, backslapping and all that, too bad he sounded like a freak from Mars, he might have convinced them you were just begging to be abused. Poor pot smoking, smack talking, drug dealing, wife abusing, child abusing, f***ing freak.
Just gets me worked up thinking about it. Begging for it, BAAAAAHAAAAAA, thats rich!!!!!
I don’t think you could actually verbalize something like that if you didn’t buy into it yourself.
If you mindfuck yourself…….then you can say anything with a straight face and passion….
Yeah…..HE was the only one who bought into himself!
Judge said outright…..Mr. EB You have absolutely NO credibility!!!!
Ya know…..it was like when I filed the original TPO…..I showed pics of the kicked in door with inside jam shattered. Judge asked bailiff to show spath.
He looked at it.
Then judge got pics…..and asked spath if this was something he did…..he proudly stated YES.
Because the judge didn’t outwardly react he thought she was not concerned by his actions.
He later testified he came over to my home and ‘calmly’ asked for keys. (he claimed I changed locks to his house….when truth be told…..he was caught with the drugs and knew I NOW knew and probably took pics….and HE changed locks). But he stated he CALMLY asked, and Jr shut front door…..he felt disrespected by Jr and was entitled to thedoor open, because he was the father after all…..so when Jr. shut door on him…..he Kicked in the door.
As he was explaining this to judge, he was quite okay with his actions……the only thing he lied about was ….he wasn’t calm, and all the threats….
BUT…point is……he freely admitted to the damage and hurting Jr.
HE WAS JUSTIFIED…..and I’m certain he thought judge was feeling same……
I have no doubt he has told this story over and over and his druggie cronies buy into him……and he is miffed ‘why’ the judge was so ‘blilnd’.
In the end……Judge called Bullshit on him….and said….Mr.EB…..you agreed this was the damage you caused to door and Jr, …spath said yes…and judge continued on with…….THIS WAS NOT THE ACT OF A CALM MAN!
ErinBrock,
The nice thing I figured out to do early(which it sounds like you did, too), was to start taking notes, saving text messages, emails from his best friends, and pretty much documenting everything.
At first, I started doing this as means to combat his wildly different accounts of any story – because, I figured, naively, that he was just “forgetting” or “confusing” reality.
Then, I learned he was doing it, on purpose, as for the other means of torture… and the lights went on. Unraveling my emotions and staying rational was really hard, but I realized I had to do it for survival, at that point – I was unexpectedly pregnant – /sigh.
But, back to documentation – it’s good to have it, because if a legal battle ever comes up (and I worry about this, in my case) I have other accounts to support myself, because these sociopaths will say ANYTHING to avoid responsibilty for their actions.
I made it clear to him and his mother, that I have documentation to back my story up, and didn’t need their validation for anything. It works nicely, because they’ve treaded lightly (I haven’t heard from the mother via email in 2 months).
The scary part was that I boxed him in, so the really only option to deal with me, was to “deal” with me, by making me “disappear”. He liked to imply this to me when we were alone… and I dealt with it in a really surreal way, hindsight. But, at the time, I was so intoxicated by fear and chaos – stockholm syndrome, really – that I just rationalized it away…
Then, I moved the first time 2,000 miles away 😉
You sound like you’re not afraid of facing your ex, and I’ve sorta gotten to that point, before. In fact, I’ve lived in relative peace of mind for a while, but I just recently moved back home (the starting place), and I’m being bombarded by memories and feel paranoid.
It’s like part of me wants to relax and enjoy my life, but the other part is worried that this manipulative devil has his eyes on me somehow, and he’s just lurking in the dark, just waiting to “deal” with me.
I don’t want to live my life in fear, but… nevertheless, it’s good to be aware of the circumstances and be prepared. Sociopaths are unpredictable.
Dani S,
That’s really sad what your ex did to his family. It’s amazing how difficult it is for people to disconnect from the sociopath.
I remember learning about Ted Bundy when I was younger, and it baffled me to learn that women all over the country would write him love letters and support letters.
Then, I had my experience, and I saw everything up close and personal. Truly disturbing. Not only do these people have enablers, they have hoards of sympathizers.
They (socios) have the upper hand, because we want to love them and forgive them. They just want to get whatever it is that they want – money, sex, control, drugs, a free pass, etc. It doesn’t phase them in the least to use our disposition against us to get what they want.
In your father-in-laws case, a loan and other things.
When I go back to the pit of emotions I went through a year and a half ago, I felt so betrayed by my emotions. This was sort of a gripe I had with God, at the time…
Why give me instincts to love and forgive someone who would ultimately kill me, or my children, or anyone, for that matter….?
What the heck is love, if it would lead me to such a disaster?
I was humiliated, sad, hurting, withdrawling from love in the worst possible way, and on the brink of breaking down. But, in some instinctual way, I understood that I couldn’t let him break me. And, that someday and sometime, the pain had to stop… I just became stoic and determined to survive… to make abrupt changes, if necessary to make sure my kids were safe.
Visiting this website, amongst other medical websites on anti-personality disorder, helped me a lot.
Now, I guess, I’m starting to come out of the stoic place, and reconnect with my feelings… they’re still there, unfortunately, because I feel off-kilter and bruised. I’m also wanting to slowly redirect myself to experience life, but, I’m worried to ever make the same mistake again…
I don’t trust love. I don’t trust anything, yet. But, I want to reconnect with people, and life… I want to finally let things go and be happy and relax!
In the meantime, I know to get to that place, I have to be here and share with you guys, as well. As much as I have done this alone, I need to relate to others going through this…
Sometimes, it’s easy to gauge yourself just by watching what other people are doing, but it’s not so easy in the case with sociopaths – because, who the heck knew about them before getting a crash course? I didn’t. And, I have only met 1 or 2, in person, who claims to know one.
PureWaters, the toxic person that I was in the relationshit with just showed up at my door one day (after a year had passed), peering through the screen door. Now I actually have a few boundaries in place. He came over here a few times and lied, lied, lied about everything” about where he lived, who he’s with, everything! Except this time he doesn’t know that I KNOW what the real truth is. So I decided I did not HAVE to be nice to him even though he almost died. No way was I going back to that “place”. I just told him to not call or come over here again, EVER. So far, so good. I wish I could move 2000 miles away, like you did! Sorry it took me so long to respond, I just got home a little while ago. I have been reading some of your posts and you sound like a really wonderful person! Very insightful about yourself, something I’m trying to learn to be with myself.
Like you, I am also just trying to survive through all this. I don’t trust anything now either. 🙁
Shabbychic,
You can only adapt to situations as they come. You had no idea he was just going to pop up like that. I’m sorry that dredged up a whole new set of feelings and violation.
Having people violate boundaries really sucks.
As far as me, I think I’m an ok person. Anything that is good about me, I feel comes directly from my relationship with God, and my belief that His love will ultimately prevail over all the evil in this world. But, I fully expect suffering in the meantime, sorry to be depressing! haha.
I know people all have their differing opinions on religion, but I believe that I am too, flawed, but that submitting myself over to Him has saved me. Also, sorry to spew religion on you.
On the darker spectrum of things, I have a lot of issues of identity and feelings of disgust and guilt for being with a sociopath… and wondering why I stayed… why did I fight so hard for the relationship? How could I be with someone who did and said the things he did… how could I feel love for that?
It’s very disillusioning to see that my instincts were so wrong. That I could trust so blindly… a sociopath!
I basically believe that I don’t have a good sense of what love is, because of all my family problems and this particular ex. I’m getting better at identifying healthy and unhealthy relationships are. It’s going to take time to get it all down. Because some days, I find myself missing the ex…
That’s a huge step backwards, imo.
As far as the insight, at first it was hard for me to sort through everything, especially when I had no one really to talk to… but, then, I figured out how to just listen to my gut.
Not think. Not rationalize. Not worry about right and wrong. Just listen to my gut. That’s when some of the best insight came.
PureWaters, no, you are not spewing religion at me! God changed me into a person that could say no to the spath, I wasn’t like this before, I have learned so much here at LF, not just about the spaths, but about me. I am really struggling, I also find myself missing the ex, it would have been so easy just to slide right back into my old ways, but I was miserable then too, so at least this way… things will get better!! He is like quitting an addiction for me. ##%$^%$#&*%
Outlier
you mention the possibility of a “hibernating” Psychopath…absolutely, most of em are hibernating, lying low, blending in, repressing their sick twisted desires to ultimately destroy things and people for fun…if they were out expressing themselves full on what would that look like? they are entwined with deceit….I lie, therefore I am..without the lie they would be locked up probably or in major trouble with the empathic people around them
PureWaters
I have a cold eery feeling this species is born….they come in like this and go out like this…infinite predators to produce the alchemy nessecary to wake us up to transformation…before it’s too late? (or something like that)
Dear Pure waters,
One of the things I think we lost, an IMPORTANT THING, is our trust in ourselves to keep us safe and make good decisions.
Learning t6o trust myself again has been an ongoing thing (aren’t they all on going things!?) but I’m getting there.
I’ve calmly made decisionbs that are reasonable and rational, I’ve made plan B reasonable and rational decisions (for if I have to run because my son gets out) Be out of her in an hour if we had to really book it! And I’m at a point that if I have to leave it all behind, I am not going to turn into a pillar of salt by looking back regretfully.
While I’ve made preparation for plan A, and Plan B, neither plan A or plan B may come about, but plan C would most likely be just another grab you coat and hat and boogie on out of here. Not knowing how long I am going to have to wait to leave here (If he ever gets out) is kind of a pither, I’d like to get it over with., buty maybelthnis is my LESSON ON PATIENCE SO whether I stay here the rest of my life (that would be the preferred thing if it can be done safely, or leave here with my shirt on my back and the dogs, I am just not up in the air all the time waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Well, it is day light and my house is almost clean, just a few more things to do, but I am wasted TIRED and I think I am going to go get another book an d lie down and sleep to at least noon! lBut my face is only slightly bigger on one side and my nose looks a bit funny so guess I’ll live! You guys all have a great day!!!!