Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
blue jay,
Just saw your post today from Sunday. When we are able to truly step back and look at them objectively, they really are funny in that they really BELIEVE we’ll fall for this stuff. OH PLEASE!! My ex is laughable to me and it never used to be that way.
one-step, they just never quit, do they? Always doing the same thing and thinking people are going to keep buying it…NOT. THAT is the stupid part!
mykidsneedhelp, I’ve been through the process. Dani S. is right on. Document, document, document…take pictures. Have witnesses..whatever you need to do. It takes a lot of time and work but it’s worth it in the end. It breaks my heart to read what you’ve written. These are CHILDREN. They system is a pain, I know. I’ve walked through it. In the end, I had complete custody of my son. If anything happens to me, I’ve seen to it that my son will go to his older siblings (I have 3 older children from a previous marriage.) I know it’s hard, but don’t give up and please keep coming back here. We’ve got your back!
outlier, I read your post about your family. I SO get this. At one point, my ex spath had my entire family fooled. I put him in jail, they got him out of jail. He was, and still is, into drugs and had them believing I was. I made a conscious choice to stay away from my family. I considered them as toxic as the ex-spath.. It wasn’t until he stole from the family that they realized I had been telling the truth the whole time. It was one of the worst periods of my life, but I realized that if you give them enough rope, they WILL hang themselves. It’s hard to be around family and not be with them. We are all still in the healing process from this idiot. The family relationships have improved but there’s still a lot of work to do there. One day, your sister will be exposed and when she is, the tides will turn. They are ALWAYS exposed. It’s just a matter of waiting. The more I backed away from the situation, the braver (and dumber) he got and that was his ultimate downfall. I understand what you are saying about your mother as well. It’s so HARD sometimes to be in the position you’re in. In my case, I found myself protecting my son in much the same way. You do what you gotta do, hon!
PureWaters, I love that name!
“It’s very disillusioning to see that my instincts were so wrong. That I could trust so blindly” a sociopath!”
I’ve gone through this and I’m sure I’ll go through it again. It’s a part of the healing process. I tell myself that it didn’t matter whether his heart(my ex) was true or not. MINE was and I would rather have a heart that loves purely and with good intent than to not love at all. I am so glad I don’t have the heart of one of these disordered people. If I am to honor all my emotions, that includes the love I truly had at one time for my ex. One of the things that happens is that they pick on people who are trusting, loving and caring. I was all of that and so are you. I don’t ever want to lose those qualities and I REFUSE to allow the ex to have any power over my emotions by not loving again. You were the perfect prey because you ARE a nice person. It’s not on you. It’s on him.
By no means am I ready for another relationship, but when I am, I don’t want the ex-spath all over because I haven’t yet dealt with these feelings. One day at a time…
NORA, DON’T FEEL BAD I WAS MARRIED TO A SOCIOPATH FOR 19 YRS, SHE WAS VERY CLEVER AND SLY, OUR TWO SONS WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE A FOOL BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED THANK GOD YOU ONLY HAD SEVERAL MONTHS WITH THIS GUY, OUR SONS AND I WERE DEVASTED WHEN WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE!, SHE WOULD LOOK ME IN THE EYS AND LIE WITHOUT BLINKING!, THE DAY HER AND I SPLIT, I THOUGHT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, NOW I LOOK BACK AND KNOW, IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE, SHE HAS MADE NO CONTACT AT ALL WITH OUR 2 SONS, 11 YRS NOW, SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW SHE HAS TWO GRANDSONS AND ONE SON IS IN THE NAVY!, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE, ….DON’T WALK, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DAY BEFORE SHE LIED ON A RESTRAINING ORDER TO GET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE, SHE TOOK MY HAND, LED ME TO THE COUCH, SAT DOWN AND SAID “HONEY I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU”……NEXT DAY I WAS OUT AND THE EX CON BOYFRIEND 13 YRS YOUNGER WAS IN……I FOUGHT HER IN COURT AND SHE TURNED OVER MY SON, ONLY IF I GAVE HER THE HOUSE, LIKE I TOLD MY LAWYER, ” I CAN GET ANOTHER HOUSE, I CAN’T GET ANOTHER STEVEN”……………..SHE HAD HER GIRLFRIEND CALL ME A YR LATER TO SEE IF THERE WAS A CHANCE ON GETTING BACK…………….I TOLD HER ” TELL HER YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW” AND HUNG UP
Thank goodness for this blog. I have found that reading your stories give me strength.
I too married quickly, he was divorced and with 4 kids from a previous marriage.
I cam from a strict upbringing, but a very warm family with high family values. I loved my parents and sibling unconditionally. He knew it and worked me over because of it. We were married and I was so in love. He was everything to me. I had a house, furniture, good job. We began our life with my money, he was bankrupt. Money isn’t everything I thought. I worked hard, had two kids, and he was the best husband ever. I felt like a queen, he would treat my parents very well. Did so many favors for them, and they treated him like a son. Respected him and his family and often I would joke that he was treated better than me….and I was their daughter. I had everything. I was married for 18 years when the mask dropped, suddenly, violently. How did it happen ? I started asking him about money. I wanted to go on a European trip and he was supposed to be saving for the past 4 years. When I approaced him, he suddenly had a cold look in his eyes. I did not know what to make of it. For years I felt that I could not “connect”, I did not even know how to explain it to myself. I kept on shrugging it off, because I kept on saying to myself that it was a silly thought, I could I not connect with this marvelous man, he treated me and my family so well. Before I asked him about the money…weeks before he had approaced me for sex. I denied him because somehow, and I cannot explain why, I felt used, I felt disgusted by him approaching me. I could not explain this feeling I had. I guess deep down I knew he only wanted sex and I was tired of no “connection”. I guess everytime he approached me I felt a bit “raped”. The sudden rejection, startled him. He was never the same again. I really thought that he would approach me and ask me why I felt like I did sexually…but he never did. He did not care, all he cared about was that I totally rejected him, then I asked him about the money. Our relationship ended, in a matter of months. 18 years down the drain. He was a differerent man from then on. He was cold towards me and the kids, he did not want to be at home, he was out in the evening. Drove the kids around but very cold. I was scared, I started asking him what had happened. He smirked, he never told me. I suggested marriage councelling, he went and lied. He told the therapist so much bullshit, that the therapist asked me if I had neglected him, for the sake of getting things underway, I said yes. He smirked. He was so good that he even had the therapist mesmirized as a good husband who possibilty was neglected by his busy wife. From then on, I kept on asking about money. Where was it, I asked for some money to pay bills, he knew I was on to something. And although I loved him deeply, I was precipitaing what I thought was the inevitable. I thought to myself that if he loved me he would come around, if not,the end was quickly coming. I couldnot live with this cold man. He was not the man I married, even the kids kept on saying they wanted their father back. I actually was a step ahead, I knew the bomb was about to explode, and I was pushing. I am a very aggressive person, I do not believe in prolonging pain, I kept on thinking of the kids. I told him that if he truly loved me and the kids, he would reconsider and get help, there was something wrong with him “inside”. I did not know he was a narcissist. In these months he tried to manipulate the kids into leaving with him, he tried to tell them I was crazy, thats why I was crying all the time. I was crying becasue I knew my marriage had ended, and I was mourning. The kids were confused they had never seen me like that before. He started convincing them deeply, until one day he said the wrong thing to my daughter” You will come and live with me and your mother will not get a cent of child support” Well, this was enough to get my daughter thinking. She is very smart.
I kept on bugging him about money…I needed it I told him. I wanted him to walk on on his own accord. He did, he said he “could not take it anymore” and started packing his clothes. I helpted him. He came back the next day and broke down the door, my kids were totally shocked, who was this guy ? He was nuts they thougt, I took digitals of him taking stuff from the garage and picture of his enraged face. Then he came back again, this time he hit me. My son saw it all and called 911 himself. At that point my kids wanted nothing to do with him, as far as they were concerned he never loved them because no decent person would do this without thinking about his kids. They were 14 and 18, so they are very perceptive. I took my kids to family councilling for violence. This has helped my kids understand that violence is wrong no matter what and how to stay safe from violence and anger. In front of my kids and family and I am strong, every night I cry, and cry, I am overwhelmed with what happened, the worse is that he never loved me. What an actor, and sicko. He was moved in with his new mate, she is 30 and he is 53 and she has 4 kids from her previous realtionship, she is also going through a divorce, they were both seeing each other while they were married. My ex was going to his “special interest classes” in the evenings to meet her, (while he was still living at home) and taking my son along, my son already knew he had a women in the works, poor kid had this to carry on his shoulder. I guess it made it easier to for my son to realize that his dad was sick. My ex is now after my assets prior to marriage, he is having a hellava time, he has no money and has to pay child support. He is angry about not been able to depart with as much as he had wished for, money and otherwise, his plan did not work according to his projection, and he is very very upset. I do not have contact with him, only through lawyers, and the kids have not spoken to him in over a year, they have no use for him. He discarded them immediatly for a new family and they will never forget this. My kids immediatly after he left got a pet, they never had one before, becasue my ex hated animals. My ex is making my life miserable throughout the divorce, but I will not fall prey again. I keep my distance, and if he is petty, I let him be, I stand up for my pricinipal and security because I need to for my own survival and my kids, if its petty I just disregard it. He took away my car because it was under his name, until its settled in court, I am borrowing one off my friend. No use going to court for a car…it will cost more than the car. It will come out in court when its time. His parents wrote the kids and gave them heck for abbandoning their father…can you believe it ? I guess thats were my ex gets his problem from…genetic. My kids want nothing to do with his parents now….they figure they are nuts too ! So I am waiting for him to say in court how I alienated the kids…and then I will tell me about how he tried alienating them while he was living with us…and then I can show the court the pictures and the taping of him calling the kids on the main line and swearing at them and telling them how they are disrespectful and on and on. I have it taped and ready for court, he seems like a madman on the tape. It might now help too much but better than nothing. I will try to remain cool (hard to do) but I am ready for battle. I have done so much research and this blog has helped me tremoundously. Do not think for a moment that I do not hurt, its beyond hurt, he was sucked whatever blood there was in me. but I am slowley regaining my blood back, my kids are giving my my tranfusion. We are all 3 ( plus our cat) stronger becasue of his evilness. We will survive, but our guard cannot come down, becasue he is sneaky, I think he will come back for his possessions, his kids. Not that he loves them, they just belong to him. My kids are ready too. My daughter has been hit with a bolt of enlightment that I cannot explain. She is intuned to his every move, its like someone upstairs really helped her see the light. I could not have had my kids had I not married him, its all good that way. I refuse to say “I wish I had not married him” I feel I am insulting my kids. I could not have had them without him. Thats the good that came out of him, the part that was hidden and cannot ever be in him. My kids are a reflection of goodness, empathy, sympathy, love. I hurt every day…until the divorce is final its a battle, but it will end. He lost and his is hurting with no contact. One last thing he had his girlfriend email my daughter giving her hect for abbandoning her father. We just read it and deleted it. We are done with them.
I hope my story helps out there, you guys have all helped me in your own way, I will continue to be here finding strenght in numbers. One last question….how do we expose these people ? Can we beg the media to do expose on them ?
Survivorlady, I too wanted my ex exposed. In the end, he did it himself by doing the same things he’s been doing and assuming that everyone won’t see through him. Well, they finally did! He was, and is, a total scam who uses people as tools, including his own son, the ONLY good thing to come out of that relationship. I don’t know the legalities of exposing them. I know there are websites online that have pictures of men and women as well who are con artists. The media? IMHO, the media has NO clue as to what these people really are. It’s just another news story to them. The TRUE experts are the people, such as here on LF, who have been through their ringer and have suffered at their hands. Sometimes, quite literally.
I am SO glad your daughter is tuned in to the real situation. I watched my son have that “ah-ha” moment where his dad was concerned. He is currently choosing to having nothing to do with his father.
I know you hurt and I understand that hurt, as do so many on here. It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced! BUT out of that comes a new life. I believe in that. It’s not wrong to say you wish you had never married him. Was he not basically just a sperm donor? Mine was and still is.
survivorladay,
I relate! Believe it or not, I still am grasping the fact that my h-spath was acting the part of a decent husband. When he couldn’t maintain the facade (or didn’t want to), I saw his true colors (absorbing the information slowly), putting the dots together regarding crazy-making behaviors. Slowly, the truth was revealed to me, causing me to learn about sociopathy, that my h-spath has it. It is hard, unbelievably so. You definitely pay a huge price having these people in your life, having life lessons that make your head spin. My h-spath seems nuts to me. It is incredibly sad. Take care.
Cat,
I realize the seriousness of your experiences, that they weren’t something to laugh about. For me, I have had more suffering than I can imagine, so sometimes, a story that someone shares might tickle me, finding humor in a past experience (even thought it wasn’t funny). I need to laugh more these days, making you feel a bit better inside. The story about the stolen jewlery and the ex’s explanation for his misdeed just struck my funny bone. I was having a hard time that day, read your post, and felt better, being able to laugh. My h-spath has done so many hurtful, mystifying things (his misdeeds have weighed me down, but apparently not him), being able to just laugh was “good medicine.”
Dear Nora,
I will respond to you first, as you wrote something on my birthday that touches my heart, and it sounds like you just joined us. I dont come here as regularly as I should, but you have found the right place for help and sounding off.
Your ex S-husband sounds just like my ex S-boyfriend, who became my common law husband as he moved in with me, after a very short time. I discovered an unbelievable amount of lies, terrible terrible lies amongst them. Yes I got the flowers and the wine too, to get me to think that he was the best thing since I left British men back in England. He paid for dinners and food, my gym membership, this that and the other, but it justified in his eyes, his right to lie to me, abuse me and cheat on me.
Just as a few examples:
When we first met, he told me last girlfriend, who was only 21 (and him 37), was stalking him, wouldnt accept the relationship was over, he had no feelings for her, she was his biggest mistake and she was sick in the head. Made lies up about him, such as that he had hit her when he hadnt.
I always suspected there was something else, and there was a lot of contact between them that I just didnt like. It caused a lot of arguments and break ups. One of them, him standing me up, he was home on Facebook and writing on her wall what a perfect wife she makes. Which he said was said in all innocence because she had been baking cakes. Right!
I discovered, on the day I left him for good, notes he had made only weeks before he met me, on how obsessed he was with her, and that he had been together with her only a short time before he met me. I found emails, she was still moving her things out when we met! Funny, because when I stayed at his the first time I thought i saw sex stains on the bedclothes and thought “no it cant be…. ”
And I saw a picture of her from a holiday in Sweden, where I believe she was with him, she wrote on the caption that it was the worst ever, and there are bruises on her arm. I always suspected he hit her, because he hit me.
He told me he saw his 11 year daughter every week. However, his daughters mother was also “mad” and “sick” and she was responsible for their relationship ending when the girl was only 2 years old. He said nobody could get on with her and she was difficult. He could never go back to her. Well me and her ending up talking a lot, about him, because he was a nightmare and a very bad father (another story).. and eventually I found out, that they had not spoken in 7 years, first when I came on the scene, and he had not seen his daugther in all that time.
The worst lie was this. He told me that me and his daughter were “the only people in his life” and there were “no secrets” (this after a long conversation regarding the 21 year old ex) But he lying, hiding another child from me, a boy of 6 years. He had met a woman, just like me, pretended to be a boyfriend, but when she got pregnant, he got mad, really mad. He wanted to get back with the daughters mother and had just used this woman!!. He got angry when she wouldnt abort! He has not seen the boy since he was 3 months old, because the mother thinks he is too sick in the head and a loser. Funny that! Do you know I found letters from the state about him paying maintenance (which he stopped paying to punish her)… and he actually tried to cover the names on the letter over with fridge magnets so I wouldnt see? He said he “didnt know why he hadnt told me about the boy ….” LIES LIES LIES!
Before he moved in with me, he stood me up or cancelled arrangements so many times and I of course would say things, that got manipulated and ME to be made out to be a psychopathic stupid woman. I always knew it though …. as I discovered after he moved in with me.
We ended up having to use his computer as he broke mine. On his torrent I saw him quickly delete a download “old men fucking teenagers…” so I asked him, do you have porn then, no he said, Ive never been into that. Now Im quite openminded, I said, come on come on. No, he told me then and another time he never was into that. Guess what I found later .. loads of it, and he really likes teenage girls. Do you know what he does? Teaches teenagers.
I asked him does he use MSN. No, never been one for that- Oh I said, I have, done all the chatting up and that on it but only ever met idiots. But I was honest. Guess what I found. After he walked out one time he left his password, so I went in, found a boatload of women on there and a 15 year old schoolgirl.
I used to follow his movements on the internet, and yes, he was looking up women on Facebook. He told me he didnt show his relationship because “oh everyone knows about you now”. I suspected when I saw women I didnt know from his real friends, and then, saw the thumbs up of photos of their huge breasts later ….
He got me to stay in the country, by telling me that he would look after me, as I had no job and no money. Did he do that? Did he hell. He was by the way, also an alcoholic and a hash abuser, and it got worse after he moved in. When I said something out of concern for his behaviour, drinking and being stoned, driving under the influence, he walked out on me, and left me with no money whatsoever.
When we met, he told me he had been a teacher, but gave it up a couple of years ago to work in his friends cobblers shop. Another friend told me the truth, that he stopped teaching 10 years ago because he was such an addict and mentally ill. He had done illegal work and tried his own business which of course totally failed.
My ex S told me he was in love with me after about a week. I thought it was a bit short. Thats because it was a lie.
Now he is with someone else, after god knows how many one night stands and so on he has picked up on the internet. She is from his hometown, where he moved back to, and all his family and friends are so happy for him. They are living in a luxury apartment together by the beach, she has left the city to move all those KMs to be with him, after just a couple of months. FOOL FOOL. The family and friends think that its great because the new one “knows him”. Well promise me, she will only really find out when she is properly dependent on him like I was and he starts abusing her.
The S admitted it himself – he was “unable to control himself”. And do you know what his job is? Yes he got a job as a teacher again. Because in this country they dont check people out properly. He has spent the laswt 20 years under psychiatric treatment. But its ok, we like perverted addiction-filled teachers who cant control themselves teaching our 15 year daughters dont we?
Eeeeeh Im sorry for sounding off, but Im still so battered after all this time. I cant come to terms with this relationship AT ALL. Ive just started in therapy – costing a bomb. Noo point sending the S the bills though!
Back soon
Shanmoo
Ox, bazillion dollars? Is that all? :O)
Thank you Cat. The thing is, there is still a part of me that loves my brothers SO MUCH – they never harmed me once and I can see they had been deceived. My sister’s husband is lovely, but deceived. It is not their fault. My brother visited last week, and we went down memory lane at one point we were like two kids exhanging the ghastliest childhood memory we had. I loved that so much. I had to somehow brush aside everything so that I can spend quality time. My sister in law announced her pregnancy which made this family gathering quite positive and just lovely. We havn’t had a pregnancy in the family for a few years.
Thanks everyone for your comments, but I am still trying to read through them and will try to respond and answer questions as I can.
I started following LF a few months ago and have found this site to be inspirational to those of us who fall prey to the sociopath. Knowing we aren’t alone and there’s a network to go to for support has been educational and helpful in healing. When I read the stories and comments here, I think to myself, “That could have been written by me.” The spaths MO is so transparent to me now, but if someone had told me a year ago this would happen, I would not have believed them. Lots to add so I’ll get started.
I didn’t mean to make it sound like I have remained married to save another woman, because I would like nothing better than to be rid of his name. The reason is he refuses to sign the papers. I believe there’s nothing we can say or do to stop someone else from becoming a victim. My only hope is he will find someone else to marry or risk losing, and when she realizes the truth about him, she will find comfort in the same places as I have. I was able to get him booted from 2 dating websites by finding his profiles using the same lies he’s been using for years and reporting him. The problem is they don’t keep track of the same user posting with different profile names, but I have become a pretty good investigator. Too bad I trusted him instead of asking more questions when we met. One thing I’ve learned is not to give yourself and your trust to someone until they’ve earned it. That doesn’t mean you can’t be trusting – just be cautious and wait – something I didn’t do. Their MO is to play on our vulnerabilities and no matter how much we want to and need to believe we have found that special someone, we can’t be naïve.
You write well. I used to write well until my self esteem and spirit was yanked out of me by sp. Now my writings are vague and boring
These sociopaths don’t care if all you have have to offer is a can of beans, and 10 cents in your pocket. They’ll take it!!!!