Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Hey Buttons, are you there? I talked with said Dr. today and he said if I feel unsafe, I should leave. He also said that I could be accusing husband of things that aren’t true and that is why husband wanted to have the intervention for me. He suggested that I talk about getting some medication for my anxiety, with my therapist.
I don’t want any medication, I am coping with it and know that it is causing me distress. I’m Trying to do things to keep my mind off of the situation, to not think about the things he has done all the time.
The stress is making sure daughter feels safe too. I am going tomorrow to help son at band camp (overnight) and daughter doesn’t want to stay home alone with dad. Stress. He talked about going to the cabin this weekend, as a family, like we used to. We played croquet, badmitten, went fishing, played cards, etc. It was good bonding time. Daughter doesn’t want to go anywhere with her dad, vacations or the cabin.
It’s like husband has two different faces, the super dad, and the spath.
Daughter’s visit with her therapist went well today, they connect. I was hoping that the therapist would see enough unhealthy stuff, that she would call social services. All I hear from them is to keep daughter out of it, don’t drag her into our problems. As if she is picking up on my fears and being protective of me. I really don’t think that is the case.
Anyway, Buttons, just venting stuff. If you have any ideas about the therapist, I would appreciate it. Did you ever find that the therapist didn’t get it? I’m pretty tired of having to expain everything over again. At least I’m not as wimpy as I used to be. I liked your word ‘wackadoodle’, that is awesome!! Dr. S. still wants to meet with us and get our MMPI test results, and the various other ones we took.
Thanks bunches!
Dearest Buttons,
I tried to get thru to you on another thread ,to thank you for your lovely hugs. Somehow, I cant get through, so am replying on this thread. Thank you so much for your caring hugs
It really felt like an attack on my soul, and Ive never been able to paint another picture since that day.
I have never ever had any acknowledgement from her that this happened, much less an apology.Actually I think its jealosy.
Love, gem.{{{{{{Hugs back to you too }}}}XXXX
All of your stories are the same as mine. I’m now beginning to wonder what is wrong with me personally. Am I still in a depression? It’s been over three years since the divorce. Why do I still feel so violated? I never go out, I don’t talk at work unless I’m spoken to, I don’t have any close friends anymore, I’ve put on weight…I wasn’t like this before I married him. I feel as if I have fallen into a hole and can’t get out. I share the same experiences (ex-SP) as all of you. Has anyone else gone through this or am I just antisocial now? I keep wondering if I’ll feel this way forever.
Dear UsedBrauer,
Darling it takes us a long time and lots of hard work and we are never the “same” afterwards, but we can be BETTER! There are days I am still “anti-social,” or more inward reflecting, than I was before, but that’s okay too. There are days I am outgoing and enjoy going out and doing things–but the SAME????NEVER I am a different me, and in lots of ways deeper, more aware, more caring but less naive. I don’t care so much about being around “just anyone” but only more around special people. I’m more comfortable inside my own skin (even under the layer of fat!) LOL
I don’t depend on others to keep me occupied or happy, just sort of “do my own thing” and am satisfied with that really. Not a lot of “highs” any more but not so many lows either. Pretty nice sailing, smooth without a lot of storms! Hang in there!!!! (((hugs)))))
Used Brauer,
Advice pours down from the stadium full, but only the matador faces the bull…..
We can’t tell you when the cloud will lift. You have to choose because only YOU can. There are antidepressants. There are therapists, there are books and CD’s and there are people whose stories mirror yours so closely that it could have been the same man over and over.
But, only you can choose the texture and timbre of your days.
If you are happy and comfortable and at peace, then its fine. If you want something else, its up to you to make it happen. Whatever it takes to make it happen.
So, instead of speaking to the question you asked, I will ask you
: Who do you choose to be? You are free to move about the world, to set a goal,make a plan and put all your heart and soul into it. And if you don’t, then you have already what you choose and that is ok.
Unless its unhealthy and then you have to do what people do when their health is something they can’t fix.
Dr. Leedom warns us that PTSD does set in if we allow ourselves the luxury of anxiety and distress for extended periods of time. So, you have to make your decisions.
If I said to you to imagine what you obituary would look like 40 years from now what would you wish to have done, how do you want to be remembered? What words do you need to speak to the people who love you and the people you love?
If I shortened that time to a week, what would you have to do immediately?
The answers to these sobering questions indicate what you choose and where to begin.
There is no future that is going to dawn on one day- it evolves from the very steps we take today, from what we do and speak this very minute.
And our minutes are precious.
I agree with OX, spend your minutes with they whom you choose. Spend your love wisely and remember we do not know the appointed hour so we must live out our days and our minutes as though there were no more.
There are great exercises for getting to know the new you in WHAT COLOR is MY PARACHUTE. There are many biographical heroes and heroines in history who had to pick themselves up from cruel defeats and make their way. We here are no less than they.
Three years is a long time to be doing what you are doing. If it is not what you choose, then what is the first step you need to take?
USED BRAUER:…..all I can say is…..I second what she Silver and OX….says!!!!!
I will add….sometimes we gotta ‘fake it till we make it’……smile until you feel the smile.
It becomes contagious.
But yes…..they said it all……
XXOO
EB
UsedBrauer – to put your mind at ease, it took me nearly 8 years to finally “get it” about the ex spath. I “knew” what was wrong with him, but I had to do a lot of work on my own and with counselors to get to a point where the past no longer mattered. I didn’t have the benefit of this site during that time, and the suggestions and wisdom that can be found here.
Nothing is “wrong” with you, UsedBrauer! You were a victim and are moving into the realm of being a SURVIVOR!!! This process takes time, patience, emotion, energy, and many, many tears. You’re walking your own healing path, dear one, and you’re doing just fine.
Brightest blessings!
Used Brauer
You WERE violated…it sounds like depression and the only antidote to that is EXPRESSION…so begin to relate and engage with what happened you again, letting a little more out, and letting a little more (us, friends,books) IN…you may have been so traumatised you went inside yourself, and just huddled there. It’s time to talk…..open, feel the pain…you are not alone, There are many people still trustworthy who can help you take the tiny steps towards letting this toxic overload OUT! it is too poisonous to hold on your own, you will not like the person it has turned you into….but that is part of coming to terms with it. BE angry if you are angry, BE upset if you are upset….I have found this really helps…To VENT, To RANT….the healthiest people on this site have had some rants!!! so c’mon join the toxic outpour and become free…(eh..some day because it takes different lengths of time for different people) are you particularly sensitive and caring person? have you made a contract out of what happened like I’ll never trust another person again? just check it all out, and do it at your own pace…
Bulletproof, you are SPOT-ON with the suggestion to vent, rant, etc. What we, as Survivors, have been “taught” by spath experiences is that self-expression is a waste of time – nothing we can say, no matter how it’s said, gets us anywhere. In fact, we “learn” through our spath experiences that SELF-EXPRESSION is an indication that we’re crazy! So, when we get onto that healing path, we’re so hesitant to stop at the waysides to throw a good, solid rant tantrum.
UsedBrauer, one of the best things that I found to help me was to write letters. Long, ugly, ranting, venting letters. I would cry, shout, and boil over when I would do this, but it was the only thing that I knew how to do, at the time. Then, after writing, re-writing, editing, and printing them out, I would read them out loud, sometimes several times, until I was tired of the subject matter. Then, I’d discard what I’d written and erase/delete the file from my computer.
Last year, I learned a new way to vent, thanks to a very gifted artist. I place my canvas on the easel, whip out a brush, and stand (NOT sit) in front and just start screaming at the canvas and throwing my brush around. Sometimes, while the paint is still wet, I use a tool and scrawl in meaningful words of rage and hope. Then, after all of that, I begin to layer in color and blend the lines into a composition. This has been probably the most expressive work I’ve ever done.
As Bulletproof suggested, it’s about SELF-EXPRESSION! The Self has been traumatized and the Self has to purge that trauma in some manner, or suffer serious emotional and physical setbacks. That’s what this site is for, I think. Not only to gain understanding, but a “safe” place to vent, rant, rage, and heal.
Brightest blessings to you.
Buttons, that’s a great post.:)x I had some friends from London over last year, and I think the were a bit amazed/shocked at the change in ‘me’. I said to them that I was sorry (didnt really NEED to apologise I suppose) but I was in the middle of a process that would take as long as it takes…. this is where I was at now. and thats it.xx Does that make any sense?