Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
YES, it does, Blueskies! And, people seem “amazed” because we may have evolved into something that they’re unaccustomed to.
Excellent!
Dear Silver and Used Brauer,
Silver, great advice about the bull ring! I will have to remember that—that means WRITE IT DOWN cause I can’t recall squat! Thanks
Brauer, Some of your “ugh” might be depression. And some of it might be the “grief process” which consists of several different “stages” from denial, to sadness, to bargaining, to anger, to acceptance, but not 1-2-3-4, but it goes 1-4-2-3-1-4- etc like a roller coaster. Even once you reach acceptance and start to feel OK with it all and get back into life, something may trigger you back to an earlier part and you will BACK STEP. I think of it as sort of like a baby learning to walk. There are lots of “fall downs” and “get back ups” and you just have to have ONE more get up than you do fall downs.
I’m not sure if I COULD go back to being the PRE-CHAOS Oxy if I would want to be, in fact, I am SURE I WOULD NOT want to be that person. I had more anxiety then, I was always afrasid of HURTING SOMEONE’S FEELINGS, if something went wrong, I immediately BLAMED MYSELF, if others were unhappy, it was MY FAULT, if someone crapped on ME I had to either take it or find a way to beg them not to that wouldn’t hurt THEIR FEELINGS.
Do I want to live there again? Not on your life!!!!!!
My life is DIFFERENT today, and I get to decide WHAT I DO, where I go and don’t have to worry about keeping everyone in the world happy, I can ONLY FOCUS ON KEEPING ME HAPPY.
Sometimes just enjoying my own company is what I want to do. Other times I may want to be with a friend, if it is someone who lives far enough away I can’t visit them (many of my friends do) I call them, or put a card in the mail.
I also find that I am VERY SELECTYIVE now about WHO I want to spend time with. Not just anyone will do.
I’m also a more positive person, I used to look around at my farm which most people who come here say “OH, my gosh, it is so beautiful!” and Ii would say within myself, YES BUT IT NEEDS, X, Y AND Z TO BE PERFECT” and I would feel BAD because it wasn’t PERFECT. Now, I look around and I see the BEAUTY of where I live, not the things that need doing. It’s the same place.
And I think, “How many people that live in the city would just die to have a place like this they could live? Or even come visit for a vacation?” And it is true. HOW FORTUNATE I AM.
I sit down sometimes and make a LIST of my blessings and another list of what I wish I had, and the “wish list” is pretty short and the blessing list is pretty LONG.
If you have not been evaluated by a mental health professional I suggest that you get checked out for depression, and I say “mental health” professional not your family doctor, because although your family doc can Rx medications, a mental health professional can probably pick one more for what your symptoms are and monitor it. I ALSO suggest that you get some therapy from a therapist too, at least for a little while. Make sure your therapist GETS what a psychopath is too or find one who does.
Believe me sweetie, I was on the other side of the clip board for years and it was very embarassing (though it shouldn’t have been) for me to be on the patient side of the clip board instead of the professional side. (medical professionals are horrible patients!!!) but I also know that treating yourself you have a fool for a patient!
I know some people are “against taking pills” but it doesn’t have to be for life, but it’s like II used to tell patients, it is like a diabetic, if it keeps you alive and functioning even if it is medication for life, so what!?! I have been able to cut my dose of antidepressants in half (actually a little more than half) since I started out, but PTSD actually physically as well as chemically changes our brains. I’ve learned to adapt to some of those changes—one of them is “word finding”—I will know a word, see the image of it, but not be able to say it—then in a few minutes my brain will finally FIND IT. Frustating. There are other little QUIRKS that are different, and my ANXIETY ABOUT THEM was driving me crazy making me think I was LOSING MY MIND. Finally my therapist gave me an IQ test and I scored 1 point higher than I ever had, so I am NOT retarded, or like a stroke patient, my brain is just DIFFERENT than it was but I am STILL AS SMART as I ever was.
So, now I just ADAPT and make lists so I don’t forget stuff and if I DO forget stuff, I shrug it off and apologize if I need to but DON’T SWEAT IT, I’m doing the best I can.
And yes, I have evolved—because though I may not be able to conjure up the word “tree” and say it even though I can see a photo of it in my mind, if someone is being an arse to me, I can NICELY AND FIRMLY SET A BOUNDARY without crying and NOT FEEL GUILTY.
I can and DO do nice things for me, and meet my own needs without feeling guilty or bad for taking care of myself. Yes, there are hungry people in the world, but I need a pair of hearing aids (expensive) so I am going to BUY them so I can hear!
Yes, my yard needs mowing, but I don’t want to do it today and I live in the boonies, so the cops are not going to write me a ticket for not mowing it, I want to do something else.
As my grandfather said, “I’m as independent as a hog walking on ice” LOL!!!! Viva la change!!!!!
Buttons
I really llike the idea of standing infront of a canvas, waving a brush about and screaming if I felt like it….thanks so much for re affirming the whole self expression thing, it’s important therefore not to edge people out because they are angry (not that you ever do buttons), but open wide and TOLERATE the pain that some of us have in relation to this experience….it’s okay to be expressive and difficult, ugly, annoyed, angry, upset, raging, helpless, attention seeking, dominating, the loudest voice, the one who knows the most, the one who holds the power…ha ha its ALL HERE on LF being acted OUT rather than IN where it could really cause damage…so GET it OUT!
Oh, Bulletproof, the pain is real. It’s visceral. And, we HAVE to feel it or be consumed by it. If we don’t “feel” it and experience it, then we pretend that it’s not real and it turns inward.
The spath son said something very odd when the ex spath kicked the bucket. He mentioned that the younger son might need some “medication” to cope with the loss. I told him that I thought that was the most outrageous thing I’d ever heard. The pain of loss is real, and I said, “So, after the medications run out, his father will still be dead, and he’ll have been a zombie througout the whole process. Then what?”
Expressing all of those consuming emotions is imperative so that we emerge from all of the mess with a clear mind and better understanding of what these people have done to us. The burned hand won’t touch a hot stove twice. It hurts to touch the element on a stove – when we experience the pain, we figure out that we don’t want to feel that burn, again. So, we don’t touch the hot element. Same with grieving and Surviving a spath.
Brightest blessings!
silvermoon,
Your post (advice) to Used Brauer is excellent!
I continue to be amazed at how many of us have such similar stories and how easily we fall for the sociopath and their lies. I live in the USA but see others of you live in different countries. There are so many comments that it is getting difficult to find the ones I want to respond to personally.
I am in my 50’s and usually approach life with caution knowing that evil exists, but hoped I would never come this close to experiencing it first-hand. We are all aware there are abusive personalities, rapists, murderers, child predators, and thieves, etc. Most of us have heard of serial killers like Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Richard Ramirez, Aileen Wuornos, and Scott Peterson, and we know to be cautious because of people like these. At the same time, we don’t want to be distrustful of everyone, but that’s where we go wrong. Because we have a conscience and we want people to be accepting of us and our flaws, we too easily expect others to be like us. I feel it is vital to spread the knowledge we now have to help others recognize the warning signs. In my case, I didn’t think something like this could happen to me because I was too trusting. When I became aware of sociopaths 6 months ago, it wasn’t that easy to find information, so I was excited to discover Lovefraud.com with its good advice and stories and am pleased to now be a part of it!
I was lucky enough to get away quickly and easily. I don’t have the enormous debts or children involved to keep me connected to my sociopath. When I am divorced from him and his name, I will be okay again, and I am so sorry to hear that others of you have not been as fortunate as me but wish you all the best! I feel the best therapy is what we’re doing here, so thanks to Donna!
Nora, I’m glad you’re out – all spath experiences are harrowing. Some experiences are more harrowing than others, but they all bring down the victims to bare bones, emotionally at the very least.
Brightest blessings!
Nora – my ex spath played games with signing the paperwork for separating our property and divorcing too. He gameplayed so much that one solicitor billed me the full amount for the job despite the fact he wouldn’t sign … the solicitor said ‘all that is required is his signature so you need to pay in full.’
I was then too embarrassed to go back to that firm when I worked up the courage to try again so I incurred another large bill with another firm of solicitors, but this time I got a woman lawyer and she nailed his ass to the floor. She kept hounding him day after day (naturally I paid dearly for her time to do this), but this is what made the difference. They try to keep ties with us so they have an avenue to manipulate us in the future. My ex did everything he could to avoid and evade the divorce and property split, but I pushed at it like a dog with a bone and now it’s almost all sorted. All the paperwork is done and the nightmare will be over in a week or so. We’ve been officially separated more than two years now.
Used Brauer – I still have days where I feel terribly jaded and like the rest of the world cannot understand the way I see things after this experience. The realisation my losses with this man over a decade will never be compensated is hard to bear and it’s horrific to remember that I was treated as an absolute object during that time. It was like being anaethetised and under a spell. I was like a robot on autopilot merely existing to fulfil his needs and wishes.
I am not the same as I was. I am slowly starting to socialise but I realise I will never ever be the same as I was before this … and that thought makes me very very sad. I had such light and enthusiasm before him and he took it all and snuffed it out – just because he couldn’t bear to see anyone else happy. That’s an aspect that’s hard to accept too – he did everything he did because he COULD – there was no good reason for anything (well apart from the fact he’s a rotten to the core psychopath) I actually saw him in town today and he had the audacity to move back to hide himself so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with me. What an asshole.
I still dream of revenge against him or karma getting him while I can see the whole scenario unfolding. I have fantasies of rubbing his face in my fantastic recovery and life success, but I don’t feel like so much of a success most days. Most days I just struggle through and survive – I don’t really have energy to consider the future too much at present.
Sorry for rambling – what I’m saying is … I can relate to what you were saying and I’m damned sorry you’re going through all this – it feels horrible. Some days are up and others are down and you never really know what you’ll wake up to. It’s so unfair.
silvermoon, Advice pours down from the stadium full, but only the matador faces the bull”.. I love this! I have copied and pasted it and will keep it on my desk. Only I can take the steps. Only I can CHOOSE how to live my life. And the wonderful thing today is that it’s MY life and I’m never going to give it up again, for anyone.
UsedBrauer, I love what silvermoon and others have said. Take this day and embrace it and all that’s in it. For me, the minute I accepted how I felt, that feeling lessened immediately. If I felt anger that day, well then, that’s what I felt! But regardless of what I was feeling on any given day, I still did what EB suggested; Fake it til you make it. My ex spath left me with a house that was SO trashed, it was just unbelievable. He purposely did this because he knew he was on his way out. There was something cathartic about taking just a room at a time and putting it together again, cleaning it out, rearranging it.
I’ve come to believe that our life is much like a house, full of many rooms, all under one roof and the address says ME. I don’t have to tackle it all in a day, but I want each day to count. If I have a day, as some have mentioned, where I’m just not able to function as I would like, then that’s OK too. By feeling and facing the emotions, I’m accepting them and out of that comes release. So, I’m still doing something positive and constructive with my life. My “attic” still needs work, but that’s OK. I’m thinking I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life, but it’s MY LIFE and I no longer have to worry about someone playing in my attic, so to speak.
pollyanna, I am slowly beginning to socialize as well. I had become a hermit to a large degree when the ex spath was still in the house. I agree, they try to keep an avenue open even when the door is slammed in their face, which I have done literally. My ex has called family members, neighbors and friends, all to keep a connection to me. He has also been reported for this as I have a NC order against him. The lengths they will go to is amazing! I’m not stupid. He doesn’t want this avenue open because he cares. He wants it open in case he needs a roof over his head someday. In the time since he’s left, he’s already moved 3 times. People get fed up and he’s kicked out.
I still get a day now and then where I am consumed with the amount of damage he did financially and emotionally. I tell myself it’s STILL better today because he’s no longer part of my life and that means no more damage. I will never full recover the financial part. I know that and I let that go. I start each day as though it were the first day of my life. That has helped me a great deal!
Here’s to today!
Cat
Cat and silvermoon,
I’m taking your posts (offering advice to UsedBrauer), printing them up, and sticking them in my Bible (to refer to when needed). Thanks, your advice reaches others too.