Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Dear Bella,
I understand that you are upset that she “displaying MY life onliine after asking her too delete it….not acceptable” has made you angry. I hear your ANGER. I hear that you feel she has betrayed you.
Most if not all of the people (authors and bloggers both) here on LoveFRaud have been involved with one or more people we belive are psychopaths. Some of the people here ARE qualified to make a legal and medical diagnosis, and some of us aren’t but that isn’t the point. We are NOT (none of us) making a legal or medical diagnosis on this site, we are simply working together to learn about dysfunctional people that WE BELIEVE fit the profile of a psychopath (which ever name you choose to call it) and to discuss HEALING from the devestation emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, etc. that we have had to deal with.
Each person is different and NONE OF US are perfect examples of what a person “should be.” We have ALL made mistakes in judgment (or we wouldn’t have been involved with a dysfunctional person in the first place) We must accept that WE had a part in the consequences of OUR decisions to allow a relationship with someone who treated us poorly….over….and over…and over…and over.
It starts out about us “blaming” them for what they did, and they ARE RESPONSIBLE for what they did to us, but the healing road also goes on to be ABOUT US, and the choices that WE MADE. Not that the abusive people had a right to do what they did, they DID NOT. I am NOT blaming the “victim”—but I am taking responsibility for MY part in allowing it to continue.
I realize you are very angry at this woman, but minimizing HER pain, invalidating her feelings, isn’t going to make YOUR feelings any better. None of us can know for SURE how badly one person hurts from a relationship (short or long) with a psychopath, and I don’t doubt that hers OR YOURS was NOT HAPPY TIMES with him. He does not sound like a “great guy” in any case.
I am sorry that you feel betrayed, but there’s not a lot if anything I can do about it, except to VALIDATE THAT YOU ARE ANGRY and that YOU FEEL BETRAYED. I can’t judge her pain, and I can’t judge yours because I WAS NOT THERE.
IN THE END, though, it doesn’t matter whether your pain is bigger or hers is bigger or she lied more or made more bad decisions, the IMPORTANT THING NOW is that you BOTH HEAL, both work on finding out about yourselves, and accepting why you allowed him to treat you badly. I am learning to set boundaries about how people treat me now. I do NOT allow others to treat me badly, and that has helped me heal. To learn about MYSELF, and forget about THEM! God bless you. I hope you will stay around here and read and learn and heal, the damage that the psychopathic types do to us is rape of the soul!
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Bella – i may have missed this information somewhere, but how did you know that nora was posting here?
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Dear Bella,
I do not know who this woman is other than she posted something here on LF—her idenity and YOUR IDENITY are totally unknown to me. I do’nt know anything or WANT to know anything about your idenity or her idenity. NO ONE here on LF has their idenity exposed unless they want it exposed.
I write articles here, but under the name “Ox Drover” not under my “real name” because there are details I do not want the entire world to connect with me (real name).
What I am trying to say is that you have NOT been exposed here, no one knows your name or her name, or frankly is upset one way or the other. I understand you are angry but what i am saying is that NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE. NO ONE KNOWS WHO SHE IS, and if she is lying or mistaken WE HAVE NO WAY OF VERIFYING THAT and we don’t try.
We accept people for who they present themselves to be, if their names are concealed that is fine. If they reveal their names that is fine too. Many public and news worthy figures are discussed here, but in a situation of PUBLIC DOMAIN and we express an opinion about it. OPINION.
I haven’t commented about her INTENTIONS, because i don’t know what they are. I cannot JUDGE what her intentions are. I also don’t call others “stupid” or other names either.
Each of us make and have made mistakes. Jesus said to us “be ye angry and sin not.” Being angry isn’t a sin, obviously, because Jesus himself became angry at injustices, however He also cautioned us to “not let the sun go down upon your wrath.” If you will look up the word WRATH in your dictionary, it means VENGEFUL and overwhelming anger that has been allowed to fester.
I understand you are angry, but I don’t believe that your calling this woman names, or having a “shouting match” with her on LoveFraud benefits either You, her, or the rest of the bloggers here. We are here to HEAL, not to accuse, name call or bash others. Each person experiences losses differently and in different intensities, so I can’t say what her loss has been or how intense or even how “valid” it is, any more than I can say how intense YOUR loss is except that I do hear your continued anger in your posts.
In posting to you, I was attempting to show you that I saw that you were angry, that you felt you had a justifiable reason to be angry, but to also say that continued lashing out at this woman and lashing out at the site specifically, or at me in particular has no benefit to anyone. I pray that you will find peace and calm about this whole incident. NO one on this blog knows WHO you are, or who she is or who her husband is…first names, and I’m not even sure those are correct.
Peace and God bless.
BellaPrinciPesa,
In Nora’s defense (I don’t even know this woman), her right is to handle her grief in her own way. You continuously post about how you relied on your faith to get you through (and had it much worse than her), like it’s something to flaunt and condemn other people for not doing what you have done.
Being an active member of church and never getting angry at your ex doesn’t make you better than anyone else – you’re still a sinner, Bella. So, please stop the preaching…
This woman has a right to use whatever forum to work through her anger. She has a right to camp out on her front lawn with posters and banners, if it makes her feel better…
So, Nora’s writing articles and coming up with posts so that other women can possibly avoid bumping into this guy is killing two birds with one stone – giving her an avenue to work through her anger and violation, and helping the public.
Sounds to me like this ex of yours was/is a scumbag. Three failed marriages – cheating online and giving someone a STD -lying about all of his past honors and history…
Marrying someone only to divorce 2 months…
All of this sounds to me like a humiliating and crushing experience for her. Again, I don’t know this woman, but I can understand why she may feel like she “needs revenge”.
From your posts, I gather that you feel you’re doing a service here at love fraud, by coming here and parading your methods of healing around like trophies (how you don’t need forums and support groups – especially online), and criticizing Nora in a nasty way…
The kicker for me was what you implied – that she deserved her treatment, because this ex was always respectful to you…? Do you believe yourself better than her, or something, because that’s a really messed up way of thinking. No one deserves abuse -NO ONE.
To top it all, parading your faith, while you call someone “stupid” and “screwed up” while you pull the ‘Good Christian” card makes you a hypocrite.
I think if you feel so resentful of her, you need to head back to church, because going on your smear campaign here is doing nothing positive, at all…
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This is a smear campaign from someone who is playing a very obvious passive-aggressive/martyr role that I can call from 2,000 miles away, and I’m not participating in it, any further.
Take care.
purewaters3, Amen to that. I like what you said about
we can camp out on our front lawn if we want to!!
Land of the free, home of the brave.
Bella, you should contact the owner of this website
if you have a problem with the article,
her email is very easy to find on the site.
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