Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
I will post one last post on here, with no malice or accusations or mud to be thrown. My intent here was not as a result of “making up” with Gabe as was expressed above, I have stated my reasons for posting here in my earlier posts to which I deleted. I have no hard feelings to Nora or anyone on here, I just wanted my life off the sites and that has been done. My deepest apologies to everyone on here if I have caused any pain and for throwing mud which was uncalled for on my part. That is not my way and I let anger and frustration take control. I have gone on with my life and “GABE” is not a part of it nor will he ever be,,,I don’t backtrack things in my life when they end but I do try and put closure to them. I am ending ALL participation in this situation as of now….as I have ended all relationships with parties involved, Nora, Gabe, etc.. I have handled this situation in the best way I know for me, in a way that I can live with and be able to move on. I have made my share of mistakes as everyone does, again I apologize. I wish everyone on here much peace, much healing and the very biggest of blessings.
This war is getting tedious, I am about ready to go water my plastic potted plants just to quit thinking about this.
Just re-read the post entitled “Sociopaths and Their Smear Campaign” from January 2007. This is just one example of the useful information found here written by non-biased individuals. I was convinced that all of the horrible stories from Gabe about his 2 ex-wives were true. Since I know now they were lies, why would I think he wouldn’t do the same thing about me? Because sociopaths are such convincing liars, they can manipulate and convince others into believing them again.
Because I take advice given here to heart, I have engaged in the NO CONTACT and am no longer responding to their emails nor “playing” into his game. I came here for healing, not more anguish. I shared this website and other personal information with wife#2, who continues to be his victim, and she shared everything with Gabe after she became angry over my friendship with GottheTshirt. I’m not here to air our dirty laundry. Just pointing out that it takes some people longer to “get it” because it isn’t an over-night process. It takes patience and fortitude. It also takes reading and gaining knowledge from others experiences as is written here. As hard as it is, your goal must be NO CONTACT.
Oxy, I love your sense of humor! What we all need to get through this madness is not only genuine caring and concern, but also laughter and plenty of it.
Again – how did you Nora, and Princess and got theteeshirt and canned spam ALL end up here?
potted plants it is!
BellaPrinciPesa
When your life is off the sites, and everything is back on track do not hesitate to find comfort here, 6 years with a liar is no picnic.
Canned spam
You say: Stumbled across this by accident, a male victim of a situation very similar to “Nora’s” ……..yes GABE…HELLLOOOO!!
Nora
Great that you can engage the no contact position now, and hopefully resume recovery, reading and expressing your own feelings.
GottheTshirt
Hear you, can relate to what you describe, hope you find help and comfort on the site…liars are toxic..and it seems they can’t open their mouths without a lie popping out!
And ANYTHING but the potted plants….lol
Dear Bulletproof,
I’m in a snarky mood today sort of like the two buzzards sitting on a limb and one says to the other “Patience my arse, I’m gonna go kill something!”
I used up about all the PATIENCE I had yesterday for the CAT FIGHT, and trying to get that settled down. Personally I don’t care if that bunch of cats wants to claw each other’s eyes out, I just don’t want them to do it in OUR SAFE PLACE, and apparently some of them felt “justified.”
I WAS and AM proud of Nora’s response and NOT responding, she was the one who acted the LADY in the situation in my not-so-humble opinion.
As far as I am concerned there is NO ONE here who had told their story that should be cross examined in this venue. She didn’t “name names” and she didn’t “out anyone” as far as I could tell (at least not here) and I don’t give a big flyiing rat’s behind what she puts on her FB page cause I don’t know her name and can’t find it….and wouldn’t look if I did know her name and could find it.
I DID, I thought, try to be “polite” to the people who came SCREAMING into our safe space throwing “slings and arrows” at one of US for what was obviiously Their OWN vengence, while projecting that very thing on to Nora.
I was offended by the name calling and so on, but I realize that sort of thing goes on on LOTS of blog sites, that IS THE REASON I AM NOT AT THOSE OTHER BLOG SITES, cause it is NOT standard operating procedure HERE.
I’ll try to talk to someone in a nice way if I can feel like it is worth the trauma to my fingers to type it out, if not, I will WITHDRAW into the GARDEN, or in other cases, I may tell someone, “I think it is best if I withdraw from our conversations for a while.”
I’ve been here a long time, going on three years I think now, and I’ve seen lots of people INAPPROPRIATELY display their anger, rage, immaturity, fury, projection, blame placing, attention seeking, etc and every other emotion you want to name. Sometimes a blogger can “calm them down” and sometimes they just get worse, so if it is the “worse”–goiing to the garden is protective for me and for anyone else who wants to come with me. That’s OUR choice rather than engage in an anger filled and frustrating conversation that only leads to more WOUNDS.
This is not a place to inflict wounds on others who come here with good will. The ones who don’t have “good will” or a need to heal will expose themselves sooner or later. Just as Ex wife #2 came here angry and spewing. Ditto SPAM. It was pretty obvious they had an agenda that being talked to “politely” didn’t meet.
I don’t own this blog site, so I can’t ban them,, that is Donna’s choice. I do report problems to her, but even if she elects to not ban a blogger I find offensive, I still don’t have to interact with them, and I no longer have a desire to.
one_step,
In the confusing aftermath of my brief encounter with Gabe, I was in need of answers. I did extensive research and reading and LF was one of the sites I eventually discovered. Bella and I became “friends,” and for over 4 months, we shared our “Gabe experiences” through online profiles, emails, texting, phone conversations, and even meeting in person. When GottheTshirt, who doesn’t live nearby, entered the picture after she gave it much thoughtful consideration, I guess I was considered to be an unfaithful friend of Bella’s because I accepted GottheTshirt into my circle of “friends” and supporters. Since I’m no longer in touch with Bella and Gabe, other than getting nasty emails from them, my guess is B told G I had shared my story on here after saying she was all for it. I gave no real names or locations on LF. but I have entered references to LF on one of my online profiles because of the helpful information included.
bullet,
I’m fairly new here, so there is still a lot of invaluable information to read. I feel so bad for those who have suffered longer than I did and I hope their road to recovery will be quicker and easier as they discover they aren’t alone. I wish this site was more recognized as I hope it will become, and that is why I refer to it whenever I can as a positive, safe, welcoming place for information and advice.
My purpose here was not to bash anyone but rather share my experience and the knowledge I’ve gained through the insight of others. That being said, I want to share a link where I found helpful info in the 2nd answer.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_help_a_sociopath_victim
You can’t “get over it and move on” without seeking answers, and it doesn’t happen overnight. I don’t like using these words, but it takes time for the “victims” to become “survivors.” We have been victimized, but we can decide to be strong in the knowledge that we did nothing to deserve this. Sharing what sociopaths are capable of will help those experiencing one for the first time whether it’s been 2 months or 6 years.
bulletproof
To answer your question, Nora & I became friends, and she has shared this site with me as a valuable informational/help tool. While Nora & I have an established friendship & I fully support her healing process, I have also shared with Nora that I know someone in my life who is a psychopath. That person is a relative who tormented his dying Mother, beat his son, is the charmer, and the list goes on. Until recently, I could not identify the disorder, and I went through many. By reading the many experiences on this site, I have gained the knowledge I was seeking. In no way am I interested in a “bull-ring” fight, nor feel the need to “prove” I’m right. I prefer to remain a docile supporter of the wonderful people here & contribute when necessary. I would like to openly express a heartfelt “Thank you” to Nora for digging & finding such an intelligent forum. The information & guidance is here, now-to put it to good use, constructively.
Oxy,
I’m that other buzzard sitting with you, or there in that garden watering plastic flowers with you, or on the front porch rocking in my rocker or swinging in my swing. Whether it’s swapping stories or alone with my thoughts while listening to the sounds of the night, I feel a sense of calm when I come here. Even the name calling didn’t ruffle my feathers because I know things that were said aren’t true. Seeing that the followers here have an open mind is why we feel free to post and safe in doing so.
From what I read, you and I are about the same age, but I look to this site for guidance as my experience was so recent. I hope to be here 3 years from now making people laugh and inspiring others as you do.
If readers haven’t done so yet, consider subscribing to Donna’s weekly emails and updates. They are an invaluable tool to finding useful information.
Nora and TShirt,
Just from one suvivor to another, I am glad you are both here, and I am pleased to say I have seen nothing in the behavior of either of you guys what I disapprove of, you have both acted like “ladies”—
I’m sorry though that your x “knows” where you are and will probably come here and read your posts. That’s a pither! NC with them though, is the right way to handle in and I know I will NOT respond to any of them if they post anymore on this site (if I know who they are) So as far as I am concerned I suggest that if they come back, don’t even READ what they say, and if they send you and e mail, don’t even read it.
You might want to keep copies of them though so that if you have to file a restraining order on them for harrassment you will have proof of that. There have been some successful prosecutions for harrassment and internet stalking lately that have some good indications that this will eventually be prosecuted with more force.
Anyway, glad you are both here, and TShirt, I love your name! LOL