Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Hello Fellow Lovefraud Followers,
It’s been awhile since I wrote, but I received an email from a friend informing me that recent postings had apparently been made about me here, and I’m amused that certain people still don’t get it. Too bad I wasn’t notified sooner because I’m also disappointed to find that I missed what was being said about me again – all lies as before, I’m sure.
The last time I posted on my letter to Lovefraud and read comments to it was in June, and since that time, I have only returned to Lovefraud to read the postings of others in similar situations shared in the weekly emails, which, by the way, are always informative and helpful. So, I didn’t know Bella, or whoever, had returned this past month to bash me some more. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn “Gabe” is the one behind the recent posting, as I was amused when informed that possibly the same cowardly person had posted a profile about me on Datingpsychos.com. Since I’m not the one dating, isn’t that just like a sociopath? To accuse others of what they themselves are doing? He’s already shown what he’s capable of doing by previously posting as “cannedspam,” pretending to be a victim himself. I use a pseudonym here, not because I’m ashamed, but because anonymity is required on LF. Otherwise, I boldly share my story in hopes that someone might be helped by one more story when they read what can happen to educated, intelligent women when dealing with sociopaths. I created a Facebook profile and a Google blog about my experience, and occasionally I use links to Lovefraud in case someone searching for info might find the information helpful, as I have.
Since I’m here, I might as well add an update. After more lying, which doesn’t surprise me, my soon-to-be-ex-spath has finally done what he claims to have done months ago and filed for a divorce. Since I left almost 10 months ago, he has been on several dating websites claiming to be divorced and has deceived who-knows-how-many more women during this time while emailing and dating them. After months of harassing me with disruptive emails at work after repeatedly asking him to leave me alone, and after months of telling everyone that I was lying when I said I had signed the documents to proceed with a divorce, the truth was revealed to me by his attorney – he had not been paid. I received an email from the attorney today telling me the papers have been filed and I should be divorced in a little over 30 days! I am thrilled to know that I will soon have closure and the mistake I made almost one year ago when I married a lying, cheating cyberpath before discovering the truth will be behind me forever.
I know I have learned so much about sociopaths in the past year, but sometimes I still wonder why this happened. I take comfort knowing I’m not the only person this has happened to, and because I have been helped by reading what others have experienced and learned, I hope that I, too, might help others by sharing my story. When Donna speaks of our spiritual paths, I’m starting to understand that this was part of a plan, so I have to trust what happens serves a higher purpose, one that we humans might not grasp but realize it was what was meant to be, learn from it, and make the best of it.
Hope everyone is managing to stay strong, and as always, thanks for sharing your experiences and advice, and I want you to know, your support is always appreciated!
Hello Friends
I am not so sure it is as important to prove their lies as it is to reaffirm out own sense of well being. Any of us who have walked this journey know the truth and that is all that matters.
The sociopath owns the the disorder but we own the emotional damage. In the scheme of things we are far better off to focus out energy on healing the emotional damage than wasting any more of our precious energy beating a dead horse.
I read a book once that said do you want to be right or happy? We are already right and that can never be taken away from us. Once we uncover and prove a few lies, it is up to us to make a conscious decision we do not want to live with lies and begin to create a new life that serves us in productive heakthy ways.
I am not saying that it has been easy. I am gun shy about starting new relationships, and try not to be distrustful, but am naturally cautious.
I hope someday I will be the trusting person I was before a sociopath took that from me.
If we don’t, then our emotional life will be riddled with left over baggage and the damage will follow us in life.
Love to you all.
It isn’t so much about proving their lies as it is about reminding others what they are capable of doing. Because they continue to lie and cause people to doubt what they see with their own eyes and believe in their hearts, it is important to continue writing about what we have learned and continue to learn. They are so used to manipulating other people into believing their lies on a daily basis, they don’t realize how transparent they are when they visit Lovefraud.com. What matters are those who are just now discovering LF or those who will when their search for answers leads them here like it did me and the rest of the readers here. All of us are at different places on our path of discovery. Each of us have our stories, some with more or less baggage than others, but it isn’t about the load we might carry. It’s about helping others realize they aren’t alone in their journey.
After being in a relationship with a spath, not much gets by me anymore. I might not catch it at first, but when something seems out-of-place, I delve a little deeper. In reading the June comments again and comparing that Bella to the one who posted in Sept, it appears it might not be the same person. I didn’t get to read the comment(s) removed this time, but maybe adamsrib was “right on” in observing the poster might be the “him” I speak of. In June, wife #2 was BellaPrinciPesa but the comments made in Sept are from bellaprincepessa. Two different users claiming to be the same person, and the most recent poster claiming “she” just happened to visit here to discover something had been posted “she” didn’t say???? Does anyone else smell something fishy? We readers know spaths are capable of anything and wouldn’t it be just like them to do something like this? It wouldn’t be the first time he tried to start something by putting people at odds with each other by telling them lies about the others. Just because those involved might turn a blind eye where he’s concerned doesn’t mean damage control isn’t necessary.
This is an interesting pairing of posts for me…illustrating different aspects of the challenge. Melidna, I really love what you wrote, especially the points about AFFIRMING OUR OWN SENSE OF BEING and KNOWING THE TRUTH BEING ALL THAT MATTERS. I am in the process of dealing with the fallout (very minimal so far) of outing the spath to those i know of who she is conning. the responses would be funny if they weren’t so sad. i have NO desire to be involved in ‘proving’ anything to them. i have given them the info. and then backed off. the number of people who didn’t respond AT ALL amazes me.
Melinda says:’I am not so sure it is as important to prove their lies as it is to reaffirm out own sense of well being. Any of us who have walked this journey know the truth and that is all that matters. The sociopath owns the the disorder but we own the emotional damage. In the scheme of things we are far better off to focus out energy on healing the emotional damage than wasting any more of our precious energy beating a dead horse… Once we uncover and prove a few lies, it is up to us to make a conscious decision we do not want to live with lies and begin to create a new life that serves us in productive healthy ways…’
Nora says: ‘It isn’t so much about proving their lies as it is about reminding others what they are capable of doing. Because they continue to lie and cause people to doubt what they see with their own eyes and believe in their hearts, it is important to continue writing about what we have learned and continue to learn.’
And Nora’s statement is another aspect of the same coin – spaths DO have that ability. that’s one of the reasons – and for me, probably the biggest reason, to STAY THE FU%& AWAY FROM THEM AND THEIR CRAP.
My grasp on ‘reality’ would be really hard to maintain if i got involved more deeply. I recognize that i will only give the situation so much time and energy, which means i can deal with the legal aspects, the outing, OR post here – can’t do them all together. but doing the outing/legal stuff gets easier. i did a comprehensive outline of the scam in may and i flipped out for months from doing that. now, after more time, the lessening of some of the other stressors in my life, and sessions of neurofeedback the treat the PTSD she so lovingly left with me as a parting gift, i am much less triggered when I deal with the things still needing to be done.
i have a long way to go to get to ‘normal’. i know i won’t be the same person i was – i am not now, and i don’t expect to be. the biggest challenges i face in coming into healing are my health and job security/ money. and maybe a lack of other resources. I have lost friends and love in my life because of the spath. and she took something from me – well, many things actually, but she really damaged my sense of self. i don’t like myself now. it’s amazing how unloving i can be to myself…my compassion has been very damaged. i am very scared most of the time, and have started to really fight back against BS regardless of how much fear i am lugging about. i called property standards and the health board about the problems in the building i live in – the landlord is a bully , a drunk and i suspect very N – or maybe he’s just a lying a#$hole – either way, I am not looking forward to this situation – but i am also tired of living like this. I guess i have enough energy to take him on now. I’ve got some new partying student neighbors who are BIG drama – and i have to find out who their landlord is and see if i can put an end to their all night partying that is robbing me of sleep. I loved this area because it was quiet – sigh. it really does only take a couple of households the screw that up.
my sense of having a ‘center’ is still not functioning. i think i felt better a few months ago, in this regard. i felt some tangible hope about becoming someone wonderful on the other side of this. not saying i am without hope – i wouldn’t go there again, if for no other reason than to spite the spath, but i guess i am in the trenches, doing the hard work in the world that i have to do in standing for myself, and in trying so hard to keep my really hard and overwhelming job (oh lordy, that looks like a silly thing to try to do, but necessary!). so much further to go.
Yesterday the elderly neighbor of mine who has been harboring and enabling a “meth-ho” alcoholic/drug addict came by to complain to me about how the law is mistreating this poor woman (she’s in jail, I called to cops when I found out there was a warrant out on her)….she won’t see the judge until October 11th and no one can bail her out or get her out til then (she is not Lohon obviously). Of course he wanted to tell me that all the charges “like 5 failure to appears” and “several non compliance” orders—and so on are just bogus charges and the law is mistreating her and she DID quit drinking for a while 3 months and then her family GAVE HER A DRINK and therefore it was their fault she was drinking, etc.
I sat there patiently with this man, he is not senile, he has his mental facilties and he is just like we are/were—making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior.
He does not want to admit that SHE is responsible for being in jail (non compliance and failure to appear) and that SHE is responsible for taking that drink, and SHE is responsible for not having a job, and SHE is responsible because she is turning yellow because she has Hep C and alcohol abuse….etc etc ya da, ya da.
I love that old man, but I stuck to my guns and did not give an INCH as he excused her behavior—and I did NOT offer him any money or to buy anything from him so he could pay her fines and bail when the 11th comes. I’m not sure of anything except 1) he cannot save her 2) I cannot save him FROM her.
If he comes to me, I will continue to tell him the truth, but I don’t expect that is what he is coming here to hear and since the TRUTH is all he will hear here, I bet his visits become few and far between. He knows my egg donor and my story with her, and I told him, “Friend, You are starting to sound like the egg donor defending my poor murdering son.”
IN the meantime, she’s in the pen until at LEAST THE 11TH.
Last night at the rodeo there was a steer that was giving the cowboys problems getting back to the pens and the announcer said it was named Lyndsay cause it didn’t “want to go back to the pen!”
OxDrover, Thanks for the update on your neighbor friend. Sorry to hear he has not seen the light, but good to know he has your support when he is ready. I met up with a couple of girlfriends for a pumpkin farm outing today. They wanted to know how things were going and I filled them in on the latest (out of earshot of my baby and in code). After a little while, I didn’t even want to hear myself talking about it. I think I was trying to make my one friend who’s from out of town understand who he is, the evilness of it all. I ended up feeling awful. She is dealing with a situation that sounds like there are a lot of indicators that she is in a toxic relationship, but she is sticking it out. Just another reason I am grateful for LF and those that can relate.
So Ox, I admire your approach with your neighbor. Being able to send the message, be caring but not entrenched is a great place to be!
Dear fearless,
Yea, that is the thing about talking to our friends, sometimes they are in a relationship that is “almost like” our P-relationshit was, so if they start to “understand” ours they can see their own problems in their own, so it is SAFER for them to not SEE what our P-relationshit was.
As I look around at people I know who are in relationshits that are TOXIC or worse, UNhappy, at best, and I think “thank God, there but for the grace of God go I” Sometimes the two people are both good nice people but they get “crossways” and make the relationship dysfunctional because neither one will give an inch. That hurts me when I see people I love in that situation but I realize I can’t save them any more than they could have saved me when I was In “love” with the P XBF, or wanted to badly to believe my P son’s “reform.”
Learning and stucking with the fact that we can be available to be emotionally supportive to someone IF AND WHEN THEY DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION and SAVE THEMSELVES but that we cannot save them…it isn’t always easy, especially if it is someone you love.
My little neighbor friend may be 80+ but he wants to be loved, he wants to feel NEEDED, important…he is lonely and depressed and the “drama” at least keeps him feeling like he is a RESCUER—when in reality he is the VICTIM being used by a financial and emotional VAMPIRE. But I cant save him, only not OPT INTO the “game”—by either agreeing with him or by trying t6o save him. I will speak the truth, but have NO expectation he will hear. But only when he comes to me.
Dear Ox,
I was lucky enough to see Joan Baez in concert about 10 years ago. She told a story and sang a song with “there but the grace of god go (you or I, I think was the lyric).” That is a powerful sentiment and thank you for reminding me of it. I try to think that way and count my blessings, especially when I get down into the pity party, worry about money or the path’s next move. I am so blessed to been close to my child. So many others here have suffered so much and I count my blessings too that this marriage is coming to an official end, in a year, in a few months, however long it will take I know I am on the right path and am grateful!