Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Dear fearless,
Yea, seeing the glass as half full, half empty, or the wrong sized glass is important in whether we are positive or negative in our take on things.
My late husband used to say “it’s all in how you describe it, you can tell a girl her face will STOP TIME, or you can tell her it will STOP A CLOCK” LOL
Last night at the rodeo as I was standing in line to get a soda there was this pushy salesman type selling these “pain relieving discs” for horses and humans approached us (my friend and me) and started telling me all about his wares and how remarkable this “snake oil” was and I said, “You know, you’re not dressed properly if you intend to sell this stuff you need to wear a tuxedo and a top hat and use a megaphone.”
He looked at me and said “Oh, it’s SCIENTIFIC and I RESENT that remark, I’m OFFENDED.”
I replied, “Good, I MEANT TO OFFEND YOU!” He looked at me and his face was in shock! (reminded me of a psychopath when you suprise them!) He didn’t know what to say in reply! He had expected I think that I would say “Oh, I didn’t MEAN TO OFFEND YOU!” When I said the opposite he was dumbfounded! I love it!
‘Atta Gal, Ox!!!!!
Dear Nora, please know that you are Not Alone in all of this, these kind of inhuman beings drain all of us in all forms. three words…Run, Save Yourself! Don’t blame yourself or think you are stupid, the difference between you and him is that you are Human! My husband married a sociopath in 1990 after she became pregnant with his child( or so she claimed), after 4 yrs of hell and even after he knew what he married, she convinced him to have another child with her who is now almost 15 yrs old and he is 60. He will have to pay child support for over 6 more years cuz we live in Indiana( it is 21 here). Neither children speak to him or want to be in his life, despite the fact he was there for them and nurtured them throughout their childhoods while she had affairs…yes, I said affairs. the lies, manipulation and control goes on….even though we have been married and together for over 6 yrs and I protect him from her sick ways, she has a financial hold on him and his kids tear him apart emotionally because the are alienated 100% by her. they think she walks on water and their dad is a “deadbeat dad” despite all of the things financially, emotionally ect… he has done and continues to do for them, be happy that this will be over for you when it is over, and that you have no children with him that he can destroy and eat alive like she has my husbands kids……it is hell on earth. God bless you, pick your battles and move on…..you will find someone whom you deserve…just remember this lesson! Beth V
Dear Beth,
I am glad that your husband is away from this woman, and sorry that his kids despise him, but you must remind him that unfortunately,, this disorder tends to be a good bit genetic as well as environmental, so his kids got the double whammy, bad genes and the P for a mother. It is difficult to “let go” emotionally of kids you love even if they are toxic but I have done so, and so have others, encourage your husband to not blame himself and to let go of the pain…it doesn’t help us to hold on to what we cannot change. God bless.
One step, I totally agree with your statement to Melinda, ie”Stay the F%$#ck away from their Crap!”We cant afford to be the slightest bit involved with the former spath or spaths in our lives. thats why I dont take serously anything Skylar says,{sorry Sky} because she is still enmeshed with the spaths or spaths in her life. What the F^%$k is she trying to prove? that shell get out of all this ALIVE, and still functioning? Sorry I dont buy it. Weve all at some point expressed concern for Sky, she seems to be a very intelligent woman, but to actively stay involved with a known to be dangerous spath is I think asking for trouble, and verging on masochism if not lunacy.Her advice to Oxy was good, but under the circs, if I was Oxy, I wouldnt take advice from someone who would not accept mine, and Oxy has warned her many times {as have I and lots of you} re skating on very thin ice, and with heated blades!!
If Donna removes this, so be it, but its what I think. Mama Gem.
bethv – I admire you and your husband for paying child support despite the horrible circumstances. Maybe someday when they are away from their evil mother’s influence they will see the truth.
gem – i like your clarity in your above post.
i hear people expressing frustration with skylar. but please be careful with your words about her when addressing me, okay? no disrespect to you AT ALL, i just don’t feel the same way and i would hate it if sky thought i did.
i don’t know what sky is doing. i am very concerned, but i feel no need to rescue or or condemn her. there is nothing i can do besides just be here and be her lf friend – as i have always been.
Dear Onestep, Of course I dont mean to condemn Sylar, nor was it my intention to involve you in that last post. I only meant that I agree with your statement to”Stay the F—k away from them!”
I dont understand WHY Sky continues to stay dangerously involved with her spath, but I agree its HER business.
All I meant re OXy that that most of us are in LF for HEALING reasons, not , as Sky seems to be,”skating on thin ice, and not it would appear, moving forward towards her healing.
Most of us agree that NC is PARAMOUNT in our healing,so how can Sky presume to advise Oxy re Oxys son, when she{Sky} herself is putting her very life in danger!??Thats what I attempted to say.If I seemed to involve you Im sorry, wasnt meant.
Love,Gem.
Gem,
there are red-flags for recognizing P’s. One of them, THE BIGGEST FLAG, IS: their use of emotion. They use it to rally anger, and fear. It DOESN’T WORK ON ME. You may as well give up. I’m gray rock. that is why I can be around sociopaths and not be affected. Apparently One-step is also able to see it and not be affected too much.
You, have been NC from your S family members for a while now and you still post here with much pain and anguish. I’m sorry, that you still feel so much pain and fear. I’ve been away 1 year from the P but can percieve him clinically and without emotion.
I will tell you my secret, It was a gift from God really. I didn’t cultivate it originally, but when I saw that I had this talent, I began to cultivate it:
My exP had told me many years ago that an ex-girlfriend had committed Suicide. I couldn’t imagine how someone dating my exP could ever be unhappy -he’s so lovable, you know.
But in the last few years of the 25, I began to wish I was dead more and more every day. I didn’t even feel that it was related to him. I just thought I lacked the ability to control any part of my life. I didn’t know my food was being poisoned and I was being sabotaged in every aspect :financial and relationships and every mechanical thing you can think of. One day, we were fighting, I was crying and wishing the hardest I’ve ever wished for God to take me. Then I noticed something: if I killed myself, I would be the 2nd person in his love-life to commit suicide. THAT WAS INTERESTING! My perspective immediately moved away from myself, outside of the drama and became analytical. The pain stopped instantly. I had an AHA! Moment. I had found the source of my pain and it was HIM. That moment was a gift but then I realized that the gift was in me all along. The gift of being a grown-up, being objective and analytical rather than wallowing in emotion. Now I realize that is what gray rock means. The P is a child that never wanted to be an adult, it looks so boring. Drama is the red flag. Accusations and slander are what they use to embroil others into their drama. Yeah, they love bomb you too sometimes, right before they start their pity ploy….
So I hope you can use my gift to you, to really go NC with your P’s. Because as long as they elicit emotions from you, they are renting space in your head. When they can’t get drama out of you, then you have actual NC and could even have lunch with them without feeling slimed. It no longer sticks. I know you wouldn’t actually want to do lunch with them, because they’re still disgusting, but you could. JUST SAY NO TO DRAMA.
BTW, there was a 2nd gift. And this is the gift that keeps on giving and the reason I will associate with people who have red flags. It’s the ability to see P behavior WHERE EVER IT MAY SHOW ITSELF. Priceless!
Sky, Darling, Thank you for this post. Im so glad that you were not offended by what I said.I, along with most of us here on LF just want you to be SAFE! I just felt that what you were doing ,or attempting to do was kinda “dancing with the devil”,you know?
And he,{the devil} is infinitely smart and cunning beyond belief.I totally agree that Im not “over” either of my spath adult kids yet.I know Ill NEVER get closure from them, and my only way of getting any kind of closure and sanity is TOTAL NC.They will never ever admit they did anything wrong, and I was Gaslighted,{gaslit?} for so many years I almost got to believing their lies .Isnt it time you got the F—k away from those sickos? Maybe found a sane, kind, loving partner? What are you trying to prove?That you are smarter than them?
If I ever again had lunch with spath D, Id not only end up paying for it, as per usual, Id prob. end up being sucked in yet again and touched fora “loan” that would never get repaid.
These sick “children” can kill. Dont forget that. STAY SAFE!! Maybe youve danced with the devil long enough.
Is your mental state so invulnerable that the spath cant mess with it? Are you SURE? Maybe its time you put the biggest distance between you and them.
Love, Gem.XX