Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Sky, Im sure Oxys used this simile before, and its so true. If you were to be suddenly confronted with a dangerous snake, or a scorpion,would you attempt to “cosy up’ to it, try to get to know it, try to find out what made them tick? of course not, if youd any sense, youd high tail it as far from it,and as fast as you could, wouldnt you?
You would not waste time or put your life at risk trying to”understand’ it,pet it,feed it,or take it home, would you?
So, why are you doing this with spaths, who are just as unchangeable as a snake, and just as dangerous and unpredictable,,ie, they bite and sting because this is what they DO.!! Love, GemXX
skylar,
You’re one of a kind, that’s for sure (I mean this in a nice way). I want to keep my distance from the only sociopath that I’m aware of (the husband), being TIRED of the stuff that he has put me through and would put me through (future events).
hey bluejay, thanks. LOL. I know how you mean it.
I don’t visit w/the exp, but he does email me and actually sent me $500 for cat-mom day in may. the idiot thought that I might go talk to some of his people that he flies his helicopter for in June. He makes $60 grand a year in those 2 months flying but he has no license! So he sent me 500 to keep me quiet.
There is no time to mess with him because we are trying to launch a product that should have been in stores last July, in time for xmas. So, yes, I have a life and don’t contact the exP but I see narcissists all around me and I wonder how safe they are and treat them all with kid gloves. ALL OF THEM. I think they all have the capacity to cut your throat. Even my own family. You read about it in the news every day because they’re everywhere. we need to watch for every little sign of possible P behavior but it’s so easy to spot, so I don’t worry about it – too much. I don’t let it prevent me from having a life and earning a living and encountering new people. On the contrary, if I do meet a P, I just use it as an opportunity to observe and learn. They come in all flavors, it’s amazing!
You asked earlier about my encounter with the greenriver murderer. He picked me up while I was hitchhiking when I was 15. I didn’t realize it was him for another 15 years long after he was in jail and I was watching a tv show about him. I saw his picture. He was really nice to me and apologized for propositioning me – after I bitched him out and made him feel like an idiot. One interesting thing I remember: for a moment, his face seemed very, very young and vulnerable – like a 12-year old boy and then it got older again with lines and creases (Perhaps he was in his late 30s’ at the time?) Maybe that is another sign of narcissism. They never grow up, so occasionally their faces take on an expression that is more appropriate to a very young person.
skylar,
I’m SO GLAD you made it out alive after an encounter with that serial killer. Some of the hitchhikers that he picked up weren’t so fortunate.
My x SIL says she had a date set with Ted Bundy. She was w waitress at a Denny’s resaraunt, and he came in and sat in her station, drinking coffee for hours. He asked her out for the next night, and they agreed to meet there at the Denny’s, but fortunately, it snowed, and snow is rare in Washington state. People don’t know how to drive in the snow, so she didn’t go. She stood him up. Like you, Skylar, she didn’t know who he was till years later, and thanked her lucky stars for the snow storm. She just thought he was a really charming and attractive guy with a nice smile and intense eyes. The eyes made her think he was very interested in her…and she was excited about the date.
Yes, they are everywhere and I watch a lot of forensic files, and it’s really scarey.
skylar and kim frederick,
When I was a girl (possibly 13 or 14 years of age), walking home from school, a man drove up beside me and stopped, asking me for directions. He offered to give me a lift, but I said no to his invitation. I continued walking home, stopping at a convenience store for a snack. I stepped outside the store and there was the guy, sitting in his car, looking at me, again offering to drive me to wherever I was going. I declined, getting nervous. I walked down my road and I had the thought, “I wonder if he’s following me” – I looked to my left and there was the man, driving SLOWLY along the road, watching me. He had his window rolled down, asking me why I didn’t take a ride with him. Of course, I was SCARED (thankfully, I lived in a suburb), looked down my street (noticing neighbors out in their yards), coming up with a plan to get away from the guy. I looked at him and sarcastically said “because I don’t know you,” then I deliberately walked up to a neighbor’s house (I didn’t want him to know where I lived). The creep drove off, never to see him again. I put this experience out of my mind, just remembering it several years ago, realizing then that had I taken a ride with him (at the time, I actually was tempted, but didn’t do so), who knows what would have happened to me. Thinking about that experience makes me uncomfortable, realizing that the man was evil, up to no good – I would have been his victim, I’m sure of it.
I have today discovered that the current person I am living with and dating has been lying to me for 4 years.
I think he has forged the signatures on his divorce decree.
He lied about the lawyer who was helping him to get custody modification. I called the lawyer, she said that she never had a client by his name. The signatures in his decree look like he signed all three himself, including the judge. The name of the judge is misspelled.
I originally asked him to show me a copy about 5 months ago because he was being kind of vague about certain things and he has lied about small things in the past.
He was having a really though time getting a copy. This week he finally came up with it, but it seems false. Also the case docket number does not match up and I have called the records office and they have no record of his divorce.
I AM DEVASTATED. Please advise. This is NOT my ex I used to bitch about here, this is my current partner. How should I confront him. I cannot believe I am being deceived again…..
I am actually afraid of confronting him; he has been really put out by the questioning and what he calls “mistrust” on my part. What if this is just a mistake? I will look like a crazy person.
Is it actually safe to confront someone who makes up such an elaborate hoax?
I feel like I am loosing my mind; my heart has been racing all day long, I feel like I am going crazy. Help.
Am I delusional???? Is this possible? Could this be happening? Seems like such a huge and elaborate lie and deception. Is it possible that the county records office made a mistake? It seems like too many inconsistencies.
What do I need to do? It’s just too crazy to believe, but it has happened to some people here on lovefraud.
greenfern,
How awful for you. I know what it’s like to have your loved one be vague with his answers to questions, making up elaborate lies (eg. the h-spath gave me the name of his CPA, only to find out from my own accountant that this CPA doesn’t exist, the h-spath had made up a fictional person). Your gut is “speaking” to you, possibly revealing a truth about your boyfriend. Personally, I would get the information together first, finding out what the truth is, and not confront him about it (simply because your instincts seem to telling you not to go that route). Once you kow the facts, then you’ll know how to proceed. I am sorry that you’re going through this right now, possibly being deceived by someone. Why anyone acts this way just blows me away, boggles my mind.
Dear Greenfern,
It sounds like he is trying to convince you that he has a divorce when he doesn’t have one…that is easy enough to PROVE. I am not sure what he did is Illegal–but it is sure immoral. I suggest that you confirm the truth from the court house, then get a friend to come over when you confront him.
Then either you move out or he does, but do not be ALONE with him when you confront him. Go to a shelter if necessary.
Someone who will go to this ELABORATE fraud to con you is NOT SOMEONE YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE. GET OUT AWAY FROM HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
BE SAFE.
You are right to distrust him—-how much “evidence” do you need? Only a psychopath would go to this extent. RUN!!!!! Bambi, run!!!! (((hug))))) my prayers for you.
Greenfern-Run! Listen to OxD! They are so good at making us feel we are crazy, that we have made this stuff up, he is projecting! He wants you to feel like you are the bad guy here asking him these questions. You are putting him out…poor baby. Remember, if it walks like a duck…..!! you know the rest! Listen to your gut. You know. And you have every right to be cautious. You have been through it before. If he cared about you he would want you to be cautious this time, he would be doing everything he can to be upfront knowing you have been hurt in the past.
I agree with Ox. Keep safe. If you decide to confront have someone, preferrably a big man, with you. Have a bag packed with all you need, money, documents, phone, shelter address. Erase your computer or take it with you if possible. There is a great site…womenslaw.org that helps women figure a lot of this stuff out. And they will tell you how to erase the computer so he can’t find out what you’ve been doing.
He is not congruent. He is lying. the court has no record of his divorce, court docket number is inconsistent, judges name spelled wrong! He is LYING! You are not crazy.
I am so sorry you are going through this again. Get out and don’t look back. He doesn’t deserve to even hear your explanation. If it is not your house then just go! Pack up all you can and get out. I am so angry for you! If it is your house find out the laws in your state and get him out of it. Some landlord tenant laws really work for the tenant…my state is that way.
Be safe. this guy is not good. I also dated someone who lied to me for 2 years. I am so done with these guys now!
You have support here…keep asking for help.