Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Dani S, Psyche, Purewaters, disappointed
It feels absolutely wonderful to be ALLOWED feel the feelings. I was raging yesterday. Lovefraud helped, just posting it gets it out of me and into an already bubbling cauldron of fire (Oxy- that fire, polished stone metaphor is brilliant) and I do think the expression of everything that is going on inside us is healing.
purewaters, I come up with spiritual ways of shedding this horrible experience, and ‘taking back’ the energy that is mine from the P is central to that. The visual of the green light has been added, it’s great, thanks, so much of my essence still clings to the P in my ‘trying to understand’ it all, I need it back, my love, I need it back, my money, he can have it, hope it is linked to his downfall hehe
Dani S, yes I used to get really angry with mysellf for thinking about him 24/7 but now I embrace it, exaggerate it, explore it as I swear it is MOVING away!! I can feel his hold on me loosen and there are days I do not even think of him, but then it comes back hard, the obsessive thoughts, the need for revenge….I just sit with it, it’s ok…it has to be. I think the biggest success will come…what it is I dont know, something like I no longer care, he is a distant memory and I am in a new loving empathic relationship!
just to repeat what Psyche said again, because it’s so good, and so important:
“Acceptance of these really harsh, horrible negative feelings helped me. I don’t think the feelings would have ever gotten better, unless I accepted them, and honored my right to have them”.
onwards and upwards…if you are going through hell keep going…..and share it with the rest of us, together we can carry the load…
Shabbychic – god may have given him a second chance at life, but that doesn’t mean he gets a second chance at f***ing with you.
they are such idiots.
i think that his coming and going is an opportunity to heal at a deeper level. (of course that only works when there is a ‘going.’) I hope you can use it in this way.
xo one step
Dear All,
I’ve been reading the comments posted here just since yesterday and there’s so much good stuff here!
PureWaters, Welcome! I love your use of imagery to take back your energy and your love. We give, at least I did, unconditionally to my ex. It’s the ONLY way I know how to love and I am not sorry that I loved.
In all of this, I don’t want to lose the ability to love another as I do, I simply want it reciprocated. Just because my ex didn’t love as I did doesn’t make my feelings less real. I’ve come to realize it’s important to NOT beat myself up for loving this person. What came from me was pure, just as my motives and intents were. HE is not “wired” correctly. He simply cannot truly love. That is not MY problem. Boy, it sure used to be and I was twisted inside out and upside down. Today, it’s not like that. I guess what I’m saying is that simply because he didn’t and couldn’t love in the same way doesn’t make the love I had for him at one time any less real and I still honor that love because if I am to honor myself, I must honor ALL my emotions.
One of the things that I do to release anger is write. I can’t tell you how many pages I have that say nothing but “F” YOU____ on them. When that rage comes, I want it out and this is my way. Now, I’ll add PureWaters imagery to that as well.
one step-yes, they are idiots. They are idiots because they believe they can keep playing the game and never get caught. My ex spath is stupid. He isn’t even a good criminal! He always gets caught. A GOOD criminal would know better. And then it’s always someone else’s fault. When my ex was caught stealing jewelry from my sister and brother-in-law, his response was, “Well, I asked you to borrow some money and you said no.” THAT was his excuse for stealing thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. How STUPID is that?
cat – blame/ responsibily can only be accepted when ya got a conscience.
SO, OF COURSE IT CAN’T BE THEIR FAULT! SNORT!!
Stupid fucks. Mine has been CAUGHT IN A CON ON VIDEO AND BROADCAST ON FREAKING YOUTUBE AND *STILL* DOES THE BLAH LIES BLAH LIES SONG.
F**K I hate her.
Yes they trip over themselves in their greed to have what they want. their motive becomes visible in hindesight, and in my case I was too fearful to join the dots, I think my denial system might have even saved my life because I sensed NOT to blow his cover too quickly, I had to detonate him very skillfully and patiently…wire by wire or he would have gone off. I let him go with my hard earned cash but at least I have my life.
they ARE stupid, they do not think emotionally which leaves them wide open to be detected. But let’s not tell em ALL the secrets eh? …..as empathic human beings we are ten times more complex then them, we can sense, operate intuition…so many nuances that come with having empathy..it’s a sensitivity like rabbit whiskers…..
HOW they think we will not notice their dark, soul -less greed EVENTUALLY is a testament to how stupid they are! Psychopaths can’t keep the mask up forever, THAT will be the rock they perish on…..ha ha de ha
EVERYONE – bp, this is perfect : ‘THEY DON’T THINK EMOTIONALLY…’
hell, we are all always saying this in a hundred ways; like, to beath them we need to think like them…UNEMOTIONALLY.
why the justice system is so hard to work effectively in: UNEMOTIONAL.
UNEMOTIONAL AND WITHOUT CONSCIENCE. DO WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HOW THEY OPERATE?!
I am going to really think about this. about what it would mean to my day to day life if i were like that; how would i handle so and so and such and such.
thanks bulletproof!
I’ve been reading all of your stories for quite some time and decided to participate. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could turn back time and undo all of it! How do you forgive yourself for falling for all of it? So many red flags, but I was in love with him. I believed if I loved him enough, tried harder, things would change. I ended the marriage two years ago and have had NC at all. However, I can’t seem to forgive myself. He was arrested twice for domestic violence and like a fool, I dropped the charges both times. Things continued to get worse and I finally realized that he would never change. I then left him and I’ve never regretted it. What I regret is having dropped the charges. He had his record expunged. He would have had a record that other woman would have been able to find. I still struggle with this.
forgivemyself, it will take a while for everything you’ve endured by a master manipulator of evil to sink in. I’m glad you divorced him and have NC as a priority in your life.
Forgiveness for yourself will take a while when you figure out, you (as we all) did the best that we can do when we faced EVIL head on.
I believe we are all pawns in the chess game of LIFE. Good versus EVIL (Christ versus Satan). Jesus moved our piece against His opponent’s piece … and we did NOT get thrown off the board. Satan lost a pawn, not Jesus. SMILE.
Thanks for responding, Wini. I believe God allows us to choose our own path in life, regardless of whether or not it’s what’s best for us. I have gone over and over in my mind what I should have done differently. The truth is that in spite of glaring, obvious truths about my ex, I continued to go back for more. He was a pro at playing the sympathy card. Same scenario we’ve all experienced. In the end, I felt like I was losing my mind with all of the mind games, physical abuse, cheating, lying, etc. I know God was there the whole time waiting patiently for me to give up on it. I hope that some day my ex will pay for what he’s done. I definitely have learned a lot about what to look for in people and what to avoid. I haven’t allowed myself to go out with anyone since the divorce. I just can’t bring myself to date again. The thought actually scares me! I don’t know if I’ll ever trust another man again, which is sad because I know there are good guys out there. It’s finding a good one that’s the hard part! Maybe in time I will feel differently.
Forgivemyself:
It does change in time. Everything changes in time.
Processing, healing and continuing down the path of self awareness.
If we spent ‘that time’ working on ourselves and the ‘how’ we got to ‘today’ aspect of our personalities, this is the best use of our ‘time’.
Please don’t beat yourself up. NOW you know!
If it makes you feel better…..I was in denial for 28 years girlfriend!
We work of our empathy and compassion and one of the things they instill in us is self doubt.
Make a commitment to you that you will NEVER doubt yourself again…….trust your gut and your judgement.
BOTH will never let you down.
Welcome to LF, I look forward to hearing more from you Forgivemyself.
It’s a wonderful place to find others who can relate to your journey.
Keep your head up and keep walking in the right direction.
XXOO
EB