Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed.
One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn’t expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I thought I knew about this man was based on lies. He is the complete opposite of who I thought he was and has no concept of the truth or of being in a committed, loving relationship.
From my research since leaving him, I believe this man is a sociopath, and nothing, or no one, is going to change him. He initially presents himself to be a charismatic, romantic, faithful man, but soon the real man begins to emerge – a cheating, abusive, pathological liar. When I started questioning inconsistencies in his stories, he turned everything around to try and make me feel guilty for doubting him, and that worked in the beginning. Even though I was confused as to why I was no longer feeling love from this man, I tried to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When I started to realize this man had duped me, I also started to realize he was incapable of truth or love. The fact that we recited our wedding vows in the presence of God and family meant nothing to him. Everyone, including myself, asks the same question. Why did he marry me so quickly and what did he hope to gain? I don’t think there’s an answer to this question that makes sense.
Met on a dating site
I joined a dating website in July 2009 for the same reasons that most women like me do. I was having another birthday that month and decided I wanted to meet someone to enjoy life with, as I had been living as a single woman for over five years and hadn’t dated until the last year. Since I hadn’t met anyone the usual ways, I thought this would be a good way to pick someone who matched what I was looking for in a man. It didn’t take long to get winks from lots of men, but one man’s profile stood out from the others. We are both over 50 years old, but he is several years younger than me, and I often joked that my first husband was the same age as me and my second husband older, so I was looking for a younger man the next time.
We met for our first date a few weeks later at a public garden near my home. When I got out of my car, he met me with a dozen red roses, the first of many to come. At first, he was very quiet but told me later it was because I took his breath away and he hadn’t expected me to have that affect on him. We went to dinner that night at a nearby restaurant. The evening was perfect and he was everything I had hoped for. We agreed on just about everything and the next two months seemed as if we had been together forever — that we were who the other had been hoping to find.
My mom’s advice was not to rush into anything but he convinced me we should get married, and no one tried to talk me out of getting married so soon because they tell me now I seemed happier than I had been in a long time. I never once felt alarm or noticed anything that appeared to be red flags. If I had taken my mom’s advice and waited, the truth would have eventually come out before making the biggest mistake of my life.
Quick wedding
Soon after we started dating, “Gabe” booked tickets for a day trip excursion out-of-state. When we started talking marriage, it was decided we would get married in an outdoor wedding gazebo with the fall leaves as a backdrop on the same day as the planned trip. We left on Friday, the day before the excursion and wedding ceremony, to obtain our marriage license that he applied for online. He was anxious the entire trip, worrying that we wouldn’t get to the license office before they closed. Our children were meeting us the next day for the wedding ceremony and he said he didn’t want anything to upset our plans. Once we got the license, he relaxed, and the planned excursion the next day and the wedding ceremony that night are still wonderful memories and always will be as are the days leading up to that date.
The next day, we returned home and it was decided we would start moving my furniture and belongings to live in his house. My new husband, appearing to show concern, kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted to do because his house is miles away from everything I am used to. I know now that his “concern” was how he was going to keep me from discovering the truth about his numerous lies. I told him I loved living away from the big city and didn’t mind the longer drive to visit with my children or get to my job. I had been renting my condo for over five years, so he said we would keep it until the first of the year, and then purchase it and rent it out.
Discovering the lies
Turns out, Gabe had not been divorced for three years as he told me. His divorce was final one month before our first date, making him ineligible to remarry sooner than 60 days. No wonder he was a wreck about getting the marriage license. He had lied on the marriage license application stating his last divorce was May 2006.
Gabe started to “disappear” and have lame excuses when he returned. He had said he would help pay my rent and car payments to help me with the expenses of two households, but he never gave me a penny. I discovered he was talking to other women online, but didn’t say anything at first. One night I asked who one of them was. He said a friend of his for over 20 years. Turns out, she was someone he had hooked up with in late 2007. He told this woman he was divorced and had an affair with her for several months before she became suspicious and called it off.
The real man
The last week I was there, the real Gabe emerged. I discovered he had changed all of the passwords on the computer and blocked me from using it, but this time, I wasn’t backing down. I knew he was hiding things from me and let him know that’s why I had checked the computer history. I found out he hadn’t paid any of the bills he claimed to have paid for the past two months.Gabe then told me our marriage was a mistake, we wanted different things in life, he realized he never loved me and to pack my things and get out of “his” house.
At first, I refused, thinking we could work it out, but after talking to my mom, something she said clicked in my head, and I suddenly realized what I had to do and started packing.
The day before moving, Gabe and his son moved my furniture to the downstairs garage. I rented a 16-foot truck, and my daughter, son and I loaded my belongings in it and moved out on what should have been our two-month anniversary, back to the condo I was lucky to still have.
More lies
Since leaving him, I have found out the truth about so many of his lies. He isn’t a military hero as he claims. He doesn’t have a Purple Heart Award or a Bronze Medal. He uses a fabricated DD214 and Bachelor of Science diploma as credentials. He never went to college to earn a computer science degree. The university he claims to have received his degree from never heard of him.
The ring – he made a big deal about giving me “his mother’s ring.” He told me he had never felt about anyone the way he did about me, and I was so special, he wanted me to wear it. Turns out, it isn’t even his mother’s ring. He tries to guilt me into returning the ring, saying it’s a family heirloom, and he will pay for a divorce if I return it. Like I’m going to believe another lie of his? There are too many lies to list, but they also include some really insignificant ones that do nothing other than to inflate his image.
Online profiles
I started profiles as his wife in hopes of warning other women about him and not to date him. I made it so anyone searching his name would find my profiles about him instead. He’s been seen dating and I’ve had him bumped from two dating websites after informing them he’s not single as he claims, but still married.
Who found my profiles were other women from his past who he lied to. They have let me know how thankful they are that I exposed him and that it has helped them to understand what they couldn’t before now. We have become informed by sharing and comparing our stories. We’re able to laugh at how he uses the same stories and calls us all “Pretty Lady” and “Bella Principesa.” Our “support group” has drawn us together and we now focus on hopefully sharing our knowledge with others.
Won’t divorce
I can’t get him to divorce me, but that’s one of his MO’s. He tells everyone his wives are the ones who cheated on him and divorced him after leaving him with their debts. He’s the only one who did the cheating. He’s the one who is financially irresponsible and has filed for bankruptcy — a fact he dropped on me after we were married. He had shown me a meticulously kept check register that turned out to be a fake. He refuses to pay for a divorce, so for now, other women are safe from him.
After leaving him and realizing he had not been truthful about his sexual encounters, I went to my doctor to be tested. Thankfully, only one STD test came back positive and it was treated with antibiotics. When I informed him he might need to get tested since he was having sex with other women, his only response was I got infected from improper feminine hygiene. He says ignorant things like that to try and upset me, but I know the truth, and I can hold my head high knowing I did nothing wrong other than to love him and trust him without really knowing anything about him.
I hope others will see there’s no shame in this happening, but I also hope they will read my story and others like it and think as many times as it takes to really get to know a person before making a bad decision while thinking something like this, or worse, can’t happen to them.
Dear Forgivemyself,
Welcome to LF, glad you found your way here! Forgiving myself was much harder than forgiving them, because I kept beating myself over the head of “you should have known better”—or “you said one thing and did another” and so on.
Finally I realized that without forgiving MYSELF I would never heal. I have always been able to “forgive” others for their bad decisions or honest mmistakes, but I HELD MYSELF TO A HIGHER STANDARD and couldn’t stand any mistakes or bad choices in myself.
WAIT A MINUTE— why am I to be held to such a much higher standard (by ME!) than I would expect others to reach? What is wrong with this picture? Why do I expect others to make mistakes or bad decisions and still be “ok” and me have to be PERFECT to even be close to acceptable? What is the problem here?
So I realized that I can make mistakes and still be OK, I can make bad choices and still not be bad, and I can FORGIVE MYSELF. If My God can forgive me, then I think I can forgive myself as well.
Yes, I think He lets us make our own free-will choices, and we learn from those choices (or we don’t, as the case may be!) but if we don’t learn from those choices,, then we get to repeat that lesson.
I had to take a lot of REMEDIAL CLASSES because I didn’t learn, but I am starting to realize that in order to advance, I have to PASS THE CLASSES, get the message, and learn the lessons. I’m going to learn to make better choices in the future and forgive myself for not making them in the past.
Oxy, Erin & Wini:
I’m sitting here crying after reading all of your posts. I know you are right. I’ve always been the hardest on myself. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I’m the oldest out of three siblings. We were born very close together. My mom depended on me to help her a lot at a very young age. Performance based acceptance. I guess old habits really do die hard. Thanks for sharing. I am listening.
Dear Forgivingmyself,
Sweetie “performance based acceptance”—yep, been there and dun ma’time! The problem was, my “performance” was NEVER good enough, so I couldn’t have “forgiveness” from them because I wasn’t good enough, and forgiveness only came for ME when I was perfect. I didn’t even realize this until I was over 50 years old, almost 60…so go back and read some of the older archived posts on forgiveness, I’ve got one I wrote a couple of years ago about I think it is called “forgiving ourselves for being human” and I wrote that after my own Ah-ha moment about forgiving myself!
There’s lots of information here and knowledge=power and with the knowledge and support found here, we can heal! God bless you!!! (((Hugs))))
Forgivemyself:
Looking into our past/childhood seems to be part of this process of healing from a toxic relationship!
That was the part that took me by surprise. But it really is very important. How we are ‘groomed’ by our families adds a facet of how we responded to our spath.
What we allowed, what annoyed us etc…..
My mother was the denial queen….(still is)……and now that I see it, MY response to everything makes sense to me now.
I WILL NOT TURN A BLIND EYE!!!!!!
I denied so much for so long.
I don’t ever recall seeing my mother deal with anything head on.
Please be GOOD to yourself…….because no one else will get in line to do it for you.
Wipe those tears….(although tears are good!)…..and do ONE thing kind for yourself today!
XXOO
EB
forgivemyself – there is a very good book,
The Betrayal Bond, (easy to find, and is also available for sale in the lovefraud store) which will help you to untangles the past/ childhood.
take care with yourself – be gentle always and seek clarity always.
How sweet you all are! I appreciate your insight. It’s so strange, because I’ve held all of this inside for so long. Even after dealing with the husband from Hell and the divorce, it was like I ignored myself. Telling myself I was tough and could handle it on my own. I’m good at stuffing it! Problem is I’ve been so angry lately and I think somewhat depressed. I sold my house recently and have moved in with my mom. She is getting up in age and is not in good health. Talk about opening some old wounds! Erin, my mom will never get it either! I’m the one who has always experienced her wrath the most. Never quite good enough. In spite of all of it, I do love her. I will try to be there for her as much as possible. However, I do stand up to her now. She’s not in a position of authority over me any more. Thank God for a good job where I can focus on other things during the day. This site has been very good therapy in more ways than one. It feels good to talk and share.
forgivemyself – I spent three years caring for my mom who has Alzheimer’s. I don’t know how long you have been with your mom, but caregiver’s burn out at about 18 months when dealing with dementia. I don’t know the stats for other situations.
it is so important, now more than ever, that you take care of yourself. and also that you pull in any government or community help that you can to help with your mom. the bigger the team the slower the burn.
if you can get yourself a counselor to vent the very daily frustrations you will be dealing with, and all the unfinished business that you will be dealing with, it would be a very good idea.
make sure you get some exercise daily, and eat well, don’t start grabbing stuff on the go. and make sure you have some belly laughs EVERY DAY. I am big on 3 minutes of comedy on youtube a day, at least, if i am not able to get it with people.
best,
one step
forgivemyself
I just watched a movie called ‘The lovely bones’ and it spoke to my soul in a very positive way, it’s the commentary of a girl who was murdered by a psychopath, she is watching from the ‘inbetween World’ and is full of rage, lust for vengeance and scolding herself “I’m so stupid, why did I go down there with him”….she is dead and still has these feelings !!! the answer the child accompanying her in the in between world, she was actually trying to guide her towards heaven but she could’nt go there yet because it was so unfinished for her…..well the answer was
Some things you have no control of…….. I reccomend the movie,it’s the bigger picture…let’s not get stuck in the details of a psychopaths net, there is a consequence, and ripples that spread out and out and out….
One Step,
Thanks for the advise. I do appreciate it! I will purchase the book you’ve recommended as well. I do have some help from my brother. He is really good with her. My sister is still raising her family, but does what she can as well. Both my siblings are nurses and that has been a blessing! I’ve lived with her since this past February. Believe it or not, I’m starting to realize just how much my upbringing has affected my life choices. And, you’re right, exercise does help. I try to walk every week day after work. Also have an appointment with my GP about the way I’ve been feeling lately. All I can do is the best that I can do! Thanks for caring.
forgivemyself – ah, that’s great to hear! I forget people actually HAVE functional sibs. 😉
you have a huge opportunity to deal with your past right now. grab on!