Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader in the United Kingdom whom we’ll call “Edward.”
There seems to be a lot of stories regarding male sociopaths, so I thought I would share some insight from my own life story thus far.
I met T about 10 years ago. It wasn’t love at first sight, but I quite liked her. I guess I fell for my own rescuing mentality (since noticed and dealt with), and made a bid for her affections. I let my guard down, as one who would wish to be loved has a need too, so the other can see some more of me.
There were many times during this period where I should have walked away from T, but I thought I loved her and hoped that by being a good, steady, decent male in her life would have awoken her to a new awakening, where we would have grown together. Wrong. Very noble, but the damage seems to be more than a small part of T.
The relationship dragged on, T got divorced and had a windfall from the sale of the marital house, which was squandered in a short space of time. Although the money was never the biggest issue, it would have provided at least a comfort zone for her and her kids post divorce (I had my own money and broached the squandering by saying maybe we could pool our resources.) When it was all gone, their small family unit dispersed, and I saved myself by buying a small house.
T put herself at the mercy of the local council, and surprisingly gained social support. Only in the UK would this occur. We carried on in some sort of relationship. I felt a small light at the end of the tunnel, but knew deep down I was only playing a bit part with T.
Pregnant
One evening T announced she was pregnant; my initial response was silence. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was planned, but somehow I didn’t think we would have children as T was on the pill. My son was born and the focus for me changed from T to him. I did everything a dad could, and supported him and T. Then she moved, for the 7th time in as many years, but this time I was prevented from seeing him. Why? I have no criminal record, I work, gained education, volunteered. My solicitor was very frank with me, ‘you can spend all the money you like, but she does not have to comply with a court ruling, any fine imposed on her she can’t/won’t pay due to hardship.’ Hardship?
I played a waiting game and sure enough, I was allowed to see my son again. However, through fear of not seeing him again, I made some silly moves, culminating in asking T to live with me. Big mistake. Email contacts were deleted from my account, any contact with females was disliked, money went missing, my possessions were abused, T spent more time socializing outside of our family unit than in it. Any questioning of T was met with silence and a cold look. I felt awful, my work suffered (I gave up lecturing), I became isolated and depressed. T’s contribution to the house spluttered to a halt, I then asked her to leave.
Many questions were going unanswered, so I went for a rummage through her paperwork, sure enough, I found some hospital paperwork. She’d had an abortion. I was stunned. I confronted her, T’s response was, “who told you?” Not sorry, forgive me, let me explain, nothing. I was heartbroken, stunned, angry, but also felt sorry for her doing something alone, without my support.
Trail of destruction
T left my house leaving much debt, bailiffs demanding payment, her part of our rent, but more importantly, more misery on her trail of destruction. She lies constantly; every attempt at finding the truth is met with a lie. Even lying to a family member who asked me something completely out of the blue. This culminated in a showdown one day at my home, completely unscripted, where T was confronted by us both. T’s response was to get up and walk home some 10 miles away. Stunned into silence we both were.
The more clued up me started putting up barriers for my own safety. I became no more of a pushover, fought fire with fire, but to be honest, that is not me, why should I become somebody else?
The good thing is, our son is doing well, he is a lively little thing, I will keep an eye on his moods and development through his childhood. Me, this has spurred me on further to understand the human being, in that I have a degree in psychosocial studies, and have enrolled on a science degree in Integrative counseling. Methinks I have had a baptism of fire, but come out of it a better person.
Dear Edward,
I feel your pain! I never truly knew what a “sociopath”was until I met my husband’s ex wife! I have found that female sociopaths tend to use the children as pawns way more then men do….maybe that’s the way it is most of the time in reality. I am happy to hear your son is doing well, I don’t know exactly how old he is, but hopefully he has more of you in him than her. This evil is passed down genetically, and that is horrifying! My husband has 2 children with his sociopath ex, now 22 and almost 18! Our lives have been pure hell since I have known him. The children have no relationship with him for years at a time, unless they want $ or something costly enough where they feel as if they MUST contact him.My husband is a wonderfully kind, quiet man who she ate alive until I entered the picture. I have written articles for this site labeled, “The other prey”, and “Survival tips when the ex is a sociopath”! I live my life staying steps ahead of her so we can survive….the children are her collateral damage! They both have learned to become experts at lying, manipulating and using innocent people to get whatever they want….and sadly, it works.
I have had my life threatened by her, my job threatened by her…everyone I know called by her….the list goes on! I have been blessed with the instinct to be strong and survive her and her legacy. Her legacy also becomes their children….they only know what they know..and that is what She has taught them. I don’t know about the UK, but the courts here do NOT recognize “mothers” as sociopaths…we are still in the dark ages. I have had his son destroy parts of our home twice…ect.! I have found that the more “normal” we tried to make the kids lives, the more destruction and drama she would create. The children are nothing more than pawns….remember that always! The happier she sees your relationship with your son, the more hell with wrath down on him, and the sad part is he will not have a clue…it will seem “normal” to him! I wish I could say it turns out well, but ten years into this, $74,000.00 later, lots of broken hearts on our side later….we have nothing relationship wise with the kids. They treat my husband horribly, and he accepts whatever morsel they throw his way. All you can do is your best, and pray. Pray that he didn’t inherit this gene……and be the best dad you can be…but don’t lose yourself …you may be all that you end up with until you learn to heal and trust again…they are good woman out there…I know..I am one! God Bless
I am grateful for this community (bless you Donna) and for Edward’s story shedding the light of truth on the existence of female sociopaths. M.S. – my sociopath – had been divorced for six years when we first met. She painted her ex husband as a narcissist who “jacked her mind” to such a degree that she escaped into a complex relationship with food (overweight, then bulimia, then finally a sleeve surgery) to gain “control” as she described it. I related directly to Edward writing “There were many times during this period where I should have walked away from T, but I thought I loved her and hoped that by being a good, steady, decent male in her life would have awoken her to a new awakening, where we would have grown together. Wrong.” Like Edward, I stuck around for and with M.S. too long – powerful love bomb intoxication – thinking I could somehow help to heal her from a bad marriage. Now healing from being discarded, I am learning to make better choices (i.e. avoid the love bombing among them) and realize in hindsight that until M.S. puts in the actual work of taking the En Vogue / Morpheus pill to free and heal her own mind from being “jacked,” she may never be able to understand / trust / receive the love of a decent guy. Thanks again for the lovefraud resources, Donna.
AXZ – Welcome to Lovefraud – I am glad that the article validates your experience.
Edward, WOW! please just ignore the people commenting on the morality of this issue…..as “Christians”, they seem to be the ones playing God and judging! I am sure there is a lot more to the story, and none of US have walked in your personal shoes. I understand that what is done, is done, and that you wrote in for help and advise on how to deal with a sociopath….there is a lot of good advise on here, stick with it, you will find it helpful! Protect yourself first, then your son…if you are not totally functional and healing, she will continue to use him as a pawn and devour him and you…! I compare female sociopaths to the animals out there that devour their own young…but instead of it being quick, it goes on for a lifetime unless their children get out of the relationship and stay out, even thought they may live a lifetime of guilt for it….Stay Strong Winifred