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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My involvement with a female sociopath

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader in the United Kingdom whom we’ll call “Edward.”

There seems to be a lot of stories regarding male sociopaths, so I thought I would share some insight from my own life story thus far.

I met T about 10 years ago. It wasn’t love at first sight, but I quite liked her. I guess I fell for my own rescuing mentality (since noticed and dealt with), and made a bid for her affections. I let my guard down, as one who would wish to be loved has a need too, so the other can see some more of me.

There were many times during this period where I should have walked away from T, but I thought I loved her and hoped that by being a good, steady, decent male in her life would have awoken her to a new awakening, where we would have grown together. Wrong. Very noble, but the damage seems to be more than a small part of T.

The relationship dragged on, T got divorced and had a windfall from the sale of the marital house, which was squandered in a short space of time. Although the money was never the biggest issue, it would have provided at least a comfort zone for her and her kids post divorce (I had my own money and broached the squandering by saying maybe we could pool our resources.) When it was all gone, their small family unit dispersed, and I saved myself by buying a small house.

T put herself at the mercy of the local council, and surprisingly gained social support. Only in the UK would this occur. We carried on in some sort of relationship. I felt a small light at the end of the tunnel, but knew deep down I was only playing a bit part with T.

Pregnant

One evening T announced she was pregnant; my initial response was silence. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was planned, but somehow I didn’t think we would have children as T was on the pill. My son was born and the focus for me changed from T to him. I did everything a dad could, and supported him and T. Then she moved, for the 7th time in as many years, but this time I was prevented from seeing him. Why? I have no criminal record, I work, gained education, volunteered. My solicitor was very frank with me, ‘you can spend all the money you like, but she does not have to comply with a court ruling, any fine imposed on her she can’t/won’t pay due to hardship.’ Hardship?

I played a waiting game and sure enough, I was allowed to see my son again. However, through fear of not seeing him again, I made some silly moves, culminating in asking T to live with me. Big mistake. Email contacts were deleted from my account, any contact with females was disliked, money went missing, my possessions were abused, T spent more time socializing outside of our family unit than in it. Any questioning of T was met with silence and a cold look. I felt awful, my work suffered (I gave up lecturing), I became isolated and depressed. T’s contribution to the house spluttered to a halt, I then asked her to leave.

Many questions were going unanswered, so I went for a rummage through her paperwork, sure enough, I found some hospital paperwork. She’d had an abortion. I was stunned. I confronted her, T’s response was, “who told you?” Not sorry, forgive me, let me explain, nothing. I was heartbroken, stunned, angry, but also felt sorry for her doing something alone, without my support.

Trail of destruction

T left my house leaving much debt, bailiffs demanding payment, her part of our rent, but more importantly, more misery on her trail of destruction. She lies constantly; every attempt at finding the truth is met with a lie. Even lying to a family member who asked me something completely out of the blue. This culminated in a showdown one day at my home, completely unscripted, where T was confronted by us both. T’s response was to get up and walk home some 10 miles away. Stunned into silence we both were.

The more clued up me started putting up barriers for my own safety. I became no more of a pushover, fought fire with fire, but to be honest, that is not me, why should I become somebody else?

The good thing is, our son is doing well, he is a lively little thing, I will keep an eye on his moods and development through his childhood. Me, this has spurred me on further to understand the human being, in that I have a degree in psychosocial studies, and have enrolled on a science degree in Integrative counseling. Methinks I have had a baptism of fire, but come out of it a better person.

 


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18 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My involvement with a female sociopath"

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So, you started dating a married woman, then she got divorced, then you got her pregnant. Why did you date a married woman?

After T divorced, did you offer her a proposal of honorable marriage? Did you offer a proposal of marriage once T was pregnant with your child?

You say that after T gave birth to your child, your focus changed from T to your baby. Did it ever occur to you that for a woman to be cast aside after giving birth to a man’s child is devastating? After you got your prize son, was T no longer necessary or important to you?

Why did you start dating a married woman? I don’t understand. You are suppose to resist temptation. Why did you not wait till she was a divorced woman before starting a relationship with her , I am not sure who the sociopath here is? Very confusing.

This is supposed to be a “support” site. I’m disgusted to see only two posts in response to Edward’s article, both of them blaming the victim—Edward. What a sickening display of male-bashing!

Quote: “So, you started dating a married woman, then she got divorced, then you got her pregnant. Why did you date a married woman?”

If it were a woman posting this story, would you be demanding the same answers of her?

The odd thing is, if this WERE a woman posting her story, I could understand it if other women on the site were angry at her for dating a married man. To them, she could represent some homewrecker who had seduced their own husbands. In spite of that, I can’t recall seeing anyone here attacking a WOMAN for dating a married man the way Edward is being attacked here.

Although he didn’t say it in so many words, Edward made it obvious that he felt this woman “T” was in need of RESCUING from something, and his perception was that she did not have a “good, steady, decent male” in her life. It sounds as if her marriage was already on the rocks. He may well have thought she was being abused. Surely it’s clear enough why he started dating her.

Of course, considering her behavior afterwards, it’s fair to assume the breakdown of her marriage was in fact largely her own fault, and she was only doing what all abusers do by pretending they’re the “victim” and her husband was to blame. But Edward wasn’t to know that at the time, and I don’t doubt he was taken in by her “poor me” act.

And what’s all this about “HE got her pregnant”? Like SHE had no part in it? Edward’s article states explicitly that she was supposed to be on the Pill. Contraception was HER responsibility. Edward may have been a fool to leave it that way, but it sounds as if was HER CHOICE to “accidentally” get pregnant. (And considering her dishonesty, can we even be sure it was Edward’s baby?) What’s more, as Edward told us later, she was perfectly capable of getting an abortion if it happened to suit HER plans. She was doing what SHE wanted all along.

Quote: “After T divorced, did you offer her a proposal of honorable marriage?”

Why would anyone think this woman necessarily wanted marriage? Her behavior didn’t suggest it. Edward said he “knew deep down [he] was only playing a bit part with T.” Anyway, we’re living in the 21st century. People don’t always get married just because they’re having a sexual relationship. Especially in the UK.

The real issue is, why would anyone marry someone they couldn’t TRUST? And while Edward was no different from many other people in holding out hope against hope that this woman would change, would give signs of making a serious commitment to him, it obviously wasn’t happening. When he did eventually make the experiment of living with T, it was a disaster. I don’t believe for a moment that a formal marriage would have made any difference.

Apart from all the other issues, I was struck by a small detail of Edward’s wording when he wrote that “T got divorced and had a windfall from the sale of the marital house, which was squandered in a short space of time.” People often use passive voice to avoid stating clearly who was responsible for doing something. Usually it’s themselves: “The vase was broken instead of I broke the vase.” But in this case it’s this “T” woman who was responsible for squandering the money. Wouldn’t it have been simpler just to say “T had a windfall… which she squandered…”? It’s as if Edward bent over backwards to avoid blaming her for what was entirely her own fault. He was being too kind and forgiving. (This is the very opposite of “abuser” behavior, when abusers are only too ready to point the finger of blame at somebody.) Yet it’s clear that this woman was irresponsible, and actually marrying her could have been a still worse disaster that might have left Edward with even bigger financial liabilities. I wouldn’t marry a woman like that, and I’m glad he didn’t.

Quote: “Did you offer a proposal of marriage once T was pregnant with your child?”

Considering her behavior, it’s not impossible that she got herself pregnant to manipulate Edward into marrying her. If she did, submitting to blackmail of that kind would be the worst possible reason to get married.

Quote: “You say that after T gave birth to your child, your focus changed from T to your baby. Did it ever occur to you that for a woman to be cast aside after giving birth to a man’s child is devastating? After you got your prize son, was T no longer necessary or important to you?”

Why would you fabricate such an unjustified assumption? “Cast her aside?” The man said nothing of the kind! How could you possibly ignore what Edward said next?—that he “did everything a dad could, and supported him and T.” No “casting aside” there.

Quote: “I am not sure who the sociopath here is?”

Neither am I—but I don’t think it’s Edward! When somebody comes to a support site and invents an excuse out of thin air to attack a man with a story like his, then I start wondering who the real “sociopath” is.

I just don’t feel that there is any excuse for getting into a relationship with a married person, woman or man. What happened to morals, commitment and values? I know they don’t exist anymore and marriage is not taken serious. Today marriage is a disposable item. You don’t “repair”, you “replac”. If a married woman dates a man, that shows that she is not taken that promise serious. And she would probably repeat this behavior again down the road. Sorry this part I just don’t get.

Kaya48,

And I don’t believe in god or republicans. But this is NOT the place for moralizing to others. Who cares ‘what you don’t get’? Relate to the parts you DO get, and be supportive.

I broke my own rule about never dating a married man when I met the sociopath in 2008. He claimed his divorce was coming through “any day”. Of course he was lying but I didn’t know that. He was also lying when he told me the divorce had finally come through, but I didn’t know that either. So there was a period of about a month where I was dating and sleeping with a married man. I have told this story numerous times here, and no one ever judged me. There are also numerous women on here who slept with sociopaths without being married to them. No one ever judged them. So I have to agree with Redwald that there is some judgment going on that does appear to be of a sexist nature.

I think there is also something lacking in the presentation of this story that makes the original poster seem less sympathetic. Perhaps it is the lack of any kind of self-awareness about the consequences of dating a married person. Most people here who are the “other woman” or “other man” express a lot of shame and remorse for falling for a married person. This makes them more sympathetic because they know they made a big mistake, and we can all relate to what it’s like to make a big mistake and let our boundaries slip.

There are people out there who are rescuers. I don’t think rescuing someone is a healthy way to begin a relationship, unless you are a paramedic and you save their life in a car crash. For anyone who has a pattern of rescuing someone with a lot of drama in their life, this is a pattern the rescuer needs to look at. On the other hand, you cannot underestimate the charm of a sociopath when they are in seduction mode. They are the ultimate con artists. They can make it seem like dating a married person is the greatest thing you could ever do. I know. I’ve been there.

I, too, got involved with a sociopath that was married. And I, too, was married at the time. I am very sorry for how I got involved. And I can assure you, I would never repeat that behavior again….NEVER!

Edward,

I am sorry for what you went through with T. Sociopath’s are master’s at seduction and deceit. MANY people on this website have fallen for married spath’s, and rued the day they met them.

I hope you can maintain good personal boundaries, and have contact with your son- who will likely suffer many inconsistencies and abuses by T.

We have all done crazy stuff when it comes to dealing with a sociopath. They definitely bring the worst out in their targets. I can, finally, look back on some of the antics I got up to and not feel like a complete idiot. Forgiving ourselves for our involvement takes time and patience.

Take good care,
Slim

I am sorry that I came across as a republican which I am not. I am a Christian, that part is true. As a married woman whose husband started a relationship with a co worker, I do feel different about the dating while being in a marriage. That has nothing to do with god or politics. All I am trying to say is that the chances of being in a healthy relationship are low if you start one on these terms.

Kaya,

You miss my point, and I will make it then drop the subject. We ALL have our personal beliefs, experienced, biases, prejudices. Some because of religion, or upbringing, or politics, whatever.

What I meant is this is not the forum to push our issues, beliefs, or ‘whatevers’, onto other people who come here for support. Please believe me this is NO criticism of your beliefs about marriage, values, and morals. I respect your views.

But when it comes to psychopathy, and the victims who come here for support, our beliefs are secondary to the validation that people need when they come here in little tiny pieces.

Take good care….Slim

Thank you slimone. I see and understand your point. Believe me I am a victim too. Otherwise I would not be on this website. I did not intend to push any beliefs or values on anyone. I just survived a 20 year marriage to a sociopath and put an end to the abuse. Sorry if I “judged” someone.

Kaya,

You’re welcome. I am glad you ended that 20 year ‘marriage’, and that you found your way to LF. This site helped save my life. For reals. I think if I had gotten any more depressed, confused, and self-hating, I would have taken my own life.

As far as judging, it is sometimes a matter of being triggered by other people’s stories (like the detail of getting involved with some one married), that make us reactive. I have seen quite a few people get triggered by things that remind them of their bad experiences. Even having men on this site has sometimes been enough to get the posters upset.

We have all been through a lot. Some of us more than can be imagined.

For a deeper understanding of this, I remember a woman who posted here with a horrid story: the death of her child. Well, some of the participants here really questioned the validity of her story, and even thought she might be a disordered person herself.

I questioned too. Though I did not post anything.

Well, this woman is for real (see Cappucino Queen), and she suffered the unthinkable, when her ex killed their toddler. You can go to her website and read the details.

I think her story was so triggering, so emotional, and such a fear of every parent, that people reacted to her as she herself were perpetrating a lie.

It is interesting going through the aftermath of a terrible trauma, like you have, like I have. It is not always pretty.

Again, take good care Kaya…I wish you healing and happiness.

Slim

Thank you so much slimone;
I read the story. It’s so unbelievably sad, I just want to hug my son for ever. It is still difficult for me at times that I adapted to all this abuse and never questioned it once. When the marriage counselor told me that this is a very unhealthy marriage and that it not normal for someone to purposely inflict pain on me, I truly thought she was crazy to say something like that . Thinking back now I was in a fog or haze that had all cleared up now . And yes my payback to the new woman is “yes she can have him” . She just doesn’t know yet that she is the new victim. One day she will post on this website after he discarded her like garbage .

Dear Edward,
I feel your pain! I never truly knew what a “sociopath”was until I met my husband’s ex wife! I have found that female sociopaths tend to use the children as pawns way more then men do….maybe that’s the way it is most of the time in reality. I am happy to hear your son is doing well, I don’t know exactly how old he is, but hopefully he has more of you in him than her. This evil is passed down genetically, and that is horrifying! My husband has 2 children with his sociopath ex, now 22 and almost 18! Our lives have been pure hell since I have known him. The children have no relationship with him for years at a time, unless they want $ or something costly enough where they feel as if they MUST contact him.My husband is a wonderfully kind, quiet man who she ate alive until I entered the picture. I have written articles for this site labeled, “The other prey”, and “Survival tips when the ex is a sociopath”! I live my life staying steps ahead of her so we can survive….the children are her collateral damage! They both have learned to become experts at lying, manipulating and using innocent people to get whatever they want….and sadly, it works.
I have had my life threatened by her, my job threatened by her…everyone I know called by her….the list goes on! I have been blessed with the instinct to be strong and survive her and her legacy. Her legacy also becomes their children….they only know what they know..and that is what She has taught them. I don’t know about the UK, but the courts here do NOT recognize “mothers” as sociopaths…we are still in the dark ages. I have had his son destroy parts of our home twice…ect.! I have found that the more “normal” we tried to make the kids lives, the more destruction and drama she would create. The children are nothing more than pawns….remember that always! The happier she sees your relationship with your son, the more hell with wrath down on him, and the sad part is he will not have a clue…it will seem “normal” to him! I wish I could say it turns out well, but ten years into this, $74,000.00 later, lots of broken hearts on our side later….we have nothing relationship wise with the kids. They treat my husband horribly, and he accepts whatever morsel they throw his way. All you can do is your best, and pray. Pray that he didn’t inherit this gene……and be the best dad you can be…but don’t lose yourself …you may be all that you end up with until you learn to heal and trust again…they are good woman out there…I know..I am one! God Bless

I am grateful for this community (bless you Donna) and for Edward’s story shedding the light of truth on the existence of female sociopaths. M.S. – my sociopath – had been divorced for six years when we first met. She painted her ex husband as a narcissist who “jacked her mind” to such a degree that she escaped into a complex relationship with food (overweight, then bulimia, then finally a sleeve surgery) to gain “control” as she described it. I related directly to Edward writing “There were many times during this period where I should have walked away from T, but I thought I loved her and hoped that by being a good, steady, decent male in her life would have awoken her to a new awakening, where we would have grown together. Wrong.” Like Edward, I stuck around for and with M.S. too long – powerful love bomb intoxication – thinking I could somehow help to heal her from a bad marriage. Now healing from being discarded, I am learning to make better choices (i.e. avoid the love bombing among them) and realize in hindsight that until M.S. puts in the actual work of taking the En Vogue / Morpheus pill to free and heal her own mind from being “jacked,” she may never be able to understand / trust / receive the love of a decent guy. Thanks again for the lovefraud resources, Donna.

Edward, WOW! please just ignore the people commenting on the morality of this issue…..as “Christians”, they seem to be the ones playing God and judging! I am sure there is a lot more to the story, and none of US have walked in your personal shoes. I understand that what is done, is done, and that you wrote in for help and advise on how to deal with a sociopath….there is a lot of good advise on here, stick with it, you will find it helpful! Protect yourself first, then your son…if you are not totally functional and healing, she will continue to use him as a pawn and devour him and you…! I compare female sociopaths to the animals out there that devour their own young…but instead of it being quick, it goes on for a lifetime unless their children get out of the relationship and stay out, even thought they may live a lifetime of guilt for it….Stay Strong Winifred

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