Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
I guess it is all part of the control act, their mask and general interpersonal dysfunction. Play innocent and naive to me for whatever reasons…
As I said, I guess in the end am I lucky. And I am glad I did what Roger did not do — continue the relationship as “friends” ending up not pregnant, but perhaps HIV+.
I don’t think my X was into sex as much of a seductress as she was. She never once had an orgasm and is the only girl that has openly admitted to me she has never masturbated. She acted extremely sexual but in hindsight i dont think she really enjoyed it it was merely her use of kryptonite on me. I have spoken with some of my friends and as thy see how i am currently suffering they are pushing me to cut ties with her entirely until the babies are born and paternity is proven. I know i probably should do this but why is it sooo hard for me not to? Everytime i see her at the doctor visits it sets me back emotionally. Even though i know what she is the love, attraction whatever it is is definitwly still there and resurrects itself everytime i see her, so why bother? I cant control what she is doing with her life. I am thinking of sending her and her family an email letting them know I can no longer continue doctor visits or contact with my X until the babies are born. They know my morals and that i am not jumping ship abandoning my kids but for right now i feel i really need to cut ties with her for my own sanity? What are your thoughts suggestions on this?
Roger;
I really do feel for you are your situation. I would not go visit m x-spath’s city, let alone sit in a hospital waiting room with him. I am curious to learn read what the “experts” here think, but I would go with the NC until the babies are born and paternity is established, ACCORDING TO THE DIRECTION AND SATISFACTION OF YOUR LAWYERS. This is also a good topic to discuss with your therapist.
Regarding the sociopaths and sex, banging our heads against the wall is more likely to result in an answer to our questions. In my case, I saw part pauper wanting to be a prince, part man-child, part controller, all wrapped in a polite and charming exterior.
The only thing universally true about sociopaths is that they are never honest. For example, I saw the real physical person, but was presented a false personality. Online, it appears my x-spath presents a more true personality (“boy” and sex focused) but various profile details and pictures do not depict the true physical person (i.e. uses younger-looking pictures, says he is slim when he has a bit of a belly, says his private parts are larger than they are…).
The day after you find out that you are not the father, begin complete NC including facebook, texts, cyber-stalking, emails. Delete every memory of her.
Hi Roger ~ I agree with BBE. I would have no further contact with her until the birth as well. I am relatively new to LF myself but as you know just being in the presence of the spath can do so much damage. They have a way of manipulating every bone in your body.
You can’t control how she is maintaining her health so really what is the point? You have to care for your mental well being right now and work on yourself so that in case you are the father; you will be equipped emotionally and mentally to deal with her if you must share custody.
I always found my spath amorous and very affectionate. It wasn’t until the last 3 years of my marriage that I had ANY clue that he was wearing a mask.
Consider yourself fortunate that you already KNOW what she is.
Roger,
This is kind of where a lawyer would come in handy. Although under normal circumstances with just a regular toxic relationship…It would make sense to cut all ties until the birth.
Why put yourself through the turmoil of going to the dr. visits and seeing her twice a month?
However with the cunning behavior of the spath this might end up biting you in the butt later, when you are going up against her in a court battle for your twins. Should this ever be the case that you are fighting for them later….
What could be seen as lack of involvement/concern in the pregnancy might be used against you.
This is how the distorted mind of a spath works. They will use anything against you & can often be successful in a courtroom in the “he said”, “she said” type of arguments.
If you have a lawyer I wouldn’t hesitate to ask him outright what you need to do NOW to protect yourself and the unborn children.
Because later the judge will not really CARE what you claim to have done to protect your own emotional interest. But what you have done in the best interest of your unborn children would be important.
A lawyer sould be able to lay this all out for you. What NOT to do.
Roger ~ Witty makes a very good point. At this point you must think about what “looks good” not necessarily what “feels good”. You will be doing a lot of that if you get into a custody/visitation battle.
I can’t help but imagine how awkward those doctor’s appointments must be for you.
Best of luck
Yea, Roger, I agree with the “talk to an attorney” that is versed in family law and custody NOW and find out what your options are legally, and I would maybe squeeze out of the next doctor’s visit for “being sick” or something (telling them something that is not true is not a “lie” it is DIS-INFORMATION) LOL Anyway, I wouldn’t go again for a while, give yourself room to catch a breath, but in the meantime, SEE AN ATTORNEY. In this kind of case, they are invaluable and may save you TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS LATER.
Keep the sample custody chain to yourself or the attorney. Do not trust her or anyone associated with her.
there is nothing illegal about not going to doctors appointments. And to take it a step further she is now 7 1/4 months pregnant and i havet missed one appointment, most husbands from what i gather dont always go to all doc appointments! Anyways my point is i am not legally obligated to go to appointments, i realize she could use this against me but I can chalk that off to infidelity. I should have done this 2 months ago!
Roger,
Again this “logic” might work if this was just your “normal” run of the mill relationship gone bad.
But TRUST me…If she is in fact a spath…And these turn out to be your children….
You will NOT believe how this could all play out. If you think how she discarded you and ended your relationship was something…..Wait until you see how your children will be treated.
You can’t even imagine it.