Editor’s Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Friend’s Keeper.”
I am writing this about a friend who I am trying to help who is clearly involved with a sociopath. My friend is a male, married to a sociopathic woman. Her acts and behavior are really unbelievable unless you see for yourself.
What he’s ”˜allowed’
She takes his entire paychecks (salary plus state pension totaling $14,000/mo), and puts him on a $100/mo allowance, which he gets only if he’s good, while she takes the rest. She convinces him it’s all for him. He’s only allowed out of the house to go to work, and she times him on when he gets home. He’s not allowed out on the evenings or weekends unless it’s with her. He wasn’t even allowed to touch the remote control. He’s not allowed to leave work for lunch, as she gives him one jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to eat for lunch every day, which has to last him for the month, while she enjoys whatever she wants on his money.
She abuses him psychologically and physically. She even forces him to sit down to pee. One time he snuck a glass of wine that was in the house, and when she found out, she beat him with the wine bottle right between the legs. She constantly tells him he’s ugly and that nobody would want him. If they go to a restaurant, he could only order what she tells him to order.
Money
He used to talk to me about it every day. He is 70 years old, makes good money, and has (or had) no savings account, or access to money that he worked for (so he thought).
I explained to him that he has access, as it is his money. He was too afraid to try. I told him to find out the bank where his checks were being deposited into, and that it’s probably a joint account since his name was on the check.
I went with him to the bank (he snuck out at lunchtime after he called her) and sure enough, his name was on the account. I told him to get a statement, and when he did, he saw all the cash she was withdrawing every day. The day before payday, she would wipe out the account, while he would walk around penniless.
And he never knew what was going on. She never worked a day in her life, she just took everything he had, while abusing him. She stole his entire inheritance, as he never saw a dime of it.
Courage to leave
He finally got the courage to leave. He said he had wanted to leave throughout the entire marriage, but never had the courage or finances to do it, as she had total emotional and financial control over him.
I helped him get his own apartment, and helped him open up his first checking and savings account of his own. He was never so happy. He had his freedom.
But within a few months, she lured him back. She promised that she changed, and she threatened to kill herself if he didn’t come back to her. I explained to him that people don’t change, especially sociopaths, but he’s so convinced she changed. It’s like he’s in a trance.
Within two weeks of being with her, his checking and savings accounts were both wiped out with insufficient funds.
He still doesn’t see it. She is constantly seducing him to keep him under her spell. It was such a terrible life for him, he got away, and got lured right back.
He won’t even talk to me now because she warned him not to. I don’t know if the nice act is still going on, but I just don’t understand how he can’t see it. Is it common for people to go back to their abuser after finally escaping the abuse?
Update two months later
He has opened his eyes briefly. After about a month or two of his wife being nice and constantly seducing him, she slowly started to revert back to her normal self. But even while being “nice” she was still taking all his money and literally controlling his every move to where he can’t even leave the house without her except to go to work. And the strange thing is is that he thought she was so wonderful.
He came out of the trance briefly, saw what was going on, and told me he realizes it now. She found out he was talking to me for the 10th time, put on her fake tears, made him feel so guilty, she told him that he’s killing her, and threatened to kill herself, then seduced him.
Within a few days he was back under her spell (this just happened last week) — still without a penny to his name. However, while he came out of the trance for a while, I showed him the e-mail that I sent you, and it really opened up his eyes. He said that it all happened, but he didn’t realize how bad it was until he saw it in black and white.
I would like to help others that are in a similar situation, and are involved with these predators recognize the signs of what a sociopath is. Especially, after witnessing the terrible abuse that this man has went through, and is still going through.
Research shows smart, psychopathic business managers may be able to conceal their disorder
This is one of the saddest stories I’ve ever read. I hope this man finds the strength to leave.
Yup, This sounds oh so familiar. My ex had to approve everything as well. If I did something that wasn’t approved of she had a fit and fell in it. She wasn’t blatant about the money, but knew where my checkbook was, and always checked it out when I wasn’t looking. If she thought I had too much money in the bank, she came up with reasons to spend it. SOOOOO glad she is long gone. I have finally reverted back to my normal self, sort of. Time heals all wounds, But, time also changes a person.
You can’t help them until you appreciate completely that there are reasons beyond what you can see/understand that keeps the preposterous going. It is a consensual crime. The victim is not as ignorant as you might want to believe. He/she has their idiosyncratic and deeply personal demons/weaknesses that keep them living the preposterous.
At age 70 years, the issue at hand is his welfare if he should become debilitated. It’s not anymore the unfairness of his lot… He’s accustomed to it and sees it as the trade off to something else he wants more. An appropriate and more effective person looking out for elder abuse would be an adult child. Is there this person?
You may want to ponder what has hooked you into this sad tale for the 10th time. It’s worth knowing that because your time is irreplaceable.
This is nothing but hearsay. A sad story as you said, Donna but it sounds like nothing but a story and only one side of it at that. I find it very difficult to believe.
Donna,
Although this does sound like a pity play story, Delores, I am sure Donna has vetted the victim and knows that it is true. I will say, there seems to be a lot of holes in the narrative and it comes off like a smear campaign but Donna wouldn’t play with our emotions and stir things up by printing an untrue story. That’s why I’m sure there’s something more to it than this.
I have no reason to doubt the story. The man has been married to this woman for most of his life. When someone starts being abused at a young age, they may lose the ability to break away.
Donna,
Even harder to break away when a person is of the era that divorce was rare, especially if he was raised by mom/sisters that dominated him like the wife in the article.
The account seems kind of contrived, almost like a one dimensional fantasy. While there is no reason to doubt its veracity, there is no reason to know for sure it’s true either. I remain open minded, but skeptical.
I have noticed, as a long-time visitor of LF, that when a story is posted from a more male perspective the legitimacy of that story is often questioned. I bring this up because after 6 or more years being on this blog it has happened over and over again.
I am going out on a limb here and speaking up.
There are likely many reasons for this, not the least of which is that most of us have been in abusive relationships with men, and we may be in the phase of our grief and healing that makes us very angry and suspicious of men in general. The other is we still see men as less vulnerable than women (especially if they were our perpetrators…we may have a false sense of “men” being really powerful, since we were hurt so deeply), and less likely to be abused. Also less trust worthy in general. This isn’t true though. Men are just as vulnerable to the erosion of their lives from manipulation and abuse as are women. And, of course we know that there are lots of kind and decent men in the world.
Another thing I have noticed is that sometimes the writing style, or the skill of the writer, can make a story more or less believable, just because of the way it is conveyed. Or even the degree of the abuse. Some of the worst stories on this blog were initially dismissed, because they were so hard to ‘swallow’, so hard to accept as real.
Bottom line is though, it would be very painful if I shared my story here and people decided to question it ‘out loud’, and in front of the rest of the group. I think I would feel rather crushed. This happened in the past with a person who’s child was murdered by her then husband. She has gone on to be an outspoken, and highly regarded, voice for children’s rights and anti-violence against children. She goes by Cappucino Queen. She was literally chased off this site.
I urge all of us to be supportive when we can, and silent (go No Contact) when something doesn’t feel right. In this way we can have our boundaries and disengage from a particular story, but also preserve what may be someone else’s real need for support. Our words are powerful tools for healing, or destruction.
Slimone,
Thank you.
Slimone, I really wanted to thank you for your perspective here. I certainly agree that everyone is entitled to their opinions and observations. Learning to see with clarity what is actually happening instead of swallowing down everything that is offered us is a skill we all need to continue developing. That being said, part of the process of gaining clarity is shedding the false perceptions that for most of us were used to entrap us. Some of these false perceptions are related to gender. Morality and ethics are not gender specific. Neither are kindness and empathy. If we really want to dissect this scientifically it’s good to remember that most people who found their way here to Lovefraud were or are encountering someone exhibiting sociopathic behaviors. As most of here know these individuals often specifically target highly empathic people. I know for certain this was a large part of why I was chosen for exploitation. Now that my eyes are open I see these disordered individuals with much more clarity, men and women. I’ve dealt with men and women of this sort. Caution is good. Guarding our hearts wise. These encounters can devastate us and alienate us from the good things and people that we need so desperately. Our lives can become small and empty. It’s nice to feel a part of a community, especially when some of us have lost so much and so many from our once full lives. To be honest I am a regular visitor here and have been for quite some time. I have read thousands of articles and comments and often times wanted to join the discussion but then get the impression that the ladies are needing to vent. Nothing wrong with that. I’m sure it’s cathartic. I’m just saying when the comments go towards “these guys” I being a guy don’t want to impose. Awkward. Again I’m not trying to be confrontational here, just to say we are all just people here trying to work together to share, enlighten, and support one another.
Slimone – thank you very much. You are so right that men are just as vulnerable as women. I receive emails and speak to many more men than those whose stories appear on this website, and they tell me horribly painful stories.
Their pain is sometimes compounded because they are men, and society conveys messages like “a real man isn’t vulnerable” and “a real man supports and protects women” and “a real man doesn’t let a woman push him around.”
I have heard literally thousands of stories that many people would consider unbelievable. But after hearing the same type of story over and over again, I tend to accept that when another one with the same fact pattern comes along, it’s probably true.
There have been a few occasions where I’ve learned the person who wrote to Lovefraud may not have been telling the truth, but it’s been very rare.
Sadly, men are often victims of domestic violence. They don’t speak out. They hide it. They almost have to since it is so hard for most people to imagine that a big, strong man could be abused by a mere woman. To reveal themselves is to caste themselves as weak and unmanly.
There aren’t shelters for abused men. There aren’t champagnes raising awareness for abused men. Fact is, men can be victims of domestic violence as easily as women become victims of domestic violence. The same mechanisms that create female victims are in play in creating male victims. Men are less likely to reach out for help and there is precious little help available to them.
For men who are raised to respect women and to never ever hit a women (which is right), they can fall victim to women who don’t respect men, who play men into believing they are loved by the women, the men don’t fight back because they were raised not to. It’s hard for those men because society finds it so hard to believe that it can happen. I’ve seen it too many times.
Women can be the aggressors. Women can be as violent and manipulative as men can be. Women can do as much damage as men can. Men can be just as helpless in dealing with the abuse and just as enmeshed into relationships that hold them down. Rather than be suspect of their stories, flip the genders and see how the story feels then. (Funny how by flipping the gender to the story can suddenly make it plausible and believable to more people.) Now put yourself in the place of the male in the story.
Men need help too. There are programs to help male victims – they are just few and far between. The pain of these men is no less than their counterparts. The decisions they must make are just as difficult. Their thought processes just as corrupted by their abusers. Men are just as vulnerable to the manipulations that draw them back into flawed relationships. Rather than suspect this as a fantastical story, maybe we could all pray for this individual that he can find that place within himself that can save him from this relationship and do it. He needs encouragement. That’s all I’m saying.
Everything that you’ve stated is so true, Bets. I am a female survivor, however a male friend of mine has recently left the relationship he was in with a woman he described similarly to the woman that is described in this post/story. The details that the victim’s friend has shared are entirely feasible, I believe. This account doesn’t come across as a “pity ploy” or “doubtful” in any regard, particularly after reading many similar stories.
I didj’nt doubt the story but iI just duped by the msster. What i mean is. The extreme charm, his exs cheated too. His ONE concern was cheating. The extreme sexual carasma. His WORST OF ALL I FELT SAFE telling him my one dark secret. I was molested by my grandpa. I had THIS UGLY feeling about him cheating. I told him how sorry i was to think he could after what i told him and his sad stories about his exs. family was very close too. Same favorite sports team. the sickest part is my anxiety and gut feeling about you cheating we actually miss interpreted it as displaced anger and rage towards my grandfather. The counseling over saying those kind of things to him