Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from the reader who posts as “SoConfused.”
This is my story of living with someone that I believe could possibly be a sociopath. I am just not sure and just learning about this, so that is why I am searching for answers.
First met years ago
I met this guy through a friend that only knew of him as being a local police officer, but we met him out many years ago.
The first time I met him we hit it off right away, after leaving the place we were at, he called me and we talked on the phone for hours. Felt good at the time, I had been single for a few years and raising kids alone so it felt good for someone to pay attention to me.
We went out a few times but he wanted to do way too much, my kids were young and I couldn’t leave them alone and he never seemed to understand that I couldn’t go off to the casino for the night.
Moved too fast
I was very independent and he was already talking about moving in together within the first month; that seemed so weird to me, but we always had so much fun and he made me feel so good. He was a dreamer and always had plans that sounded so great.
Later we stopped talking because I couldn’t do the things he wanted and he was moving way too fast and he just seemed like a brat. If he didn’t get his way, he wouldn’t call for a while and he always had his mom doing things for him and buying him stuff. (That grossed me out because I was a single mom with no child support and he was supposed to be a man.)
Anyway, we stopped talking and we both got married and didn’t speak for a few years then out of the blue he called while he was separated and going through a divorce. I was also separated and going through a divorce so I thought, wow, how perfect.
Reconnected
We started dating again. I got a divorce (My divorce had nothing to do with him, I was already in the process and living in another home.).
But he kept going back and forth. We actually lived together for a short time and he talked me into leaving my home empty and moving to the other side of town so he could be close to work and come home during his shift to hang out with me. (I was now so much further from work and I see now he wanted to be able to keep tabs on me because he worked evening shift.)
As I look back on it all now, I see how stupid I was ”¦ IN LOVE.
I left my home empty and continued to pay for it and he wasn’t divorced yet. I was now getting social security because my kids dad had passed away so I was paying my home and helping him and when he lived with me before we moved, he came with only his clothes and didn’t help me pay my house note or utilities. Boy was I dumb.
Met the ex
One day he met his soon-to-be-ex at an outing they took their child to because she wasn’t letting him see the child, but I couldn’t go because she didn’t like me and he stayed gone for about 8 hours.
I was a bit bothered but not being hateful when he returned, and he said I didn’t understand and left.
The next day I came home and he had moved out and left me and my kids there to move everything back to my home. He did eventually help me get the big things but he went back to her.
We married
That happened probobably 2 other times before we were married but yep, we got married and have been for almost 7 years now.
During this time, I would always hear him lie to his mom or friends about stupid things and even make me part of the lie and then some of the time the person may ask me about it and I would have to lie too or make him look bad.
Before we were married I had one of his friends say to me ha ha, I hope you’re ready to do some moving. Well at that time I had no idea what they meant really but now I see, in the 7 years, we have moved back and forth about 11 times to different apartments and rent homes and back to my home so that he could be closer to his job and come home when he wants or because he goes off and gets a free or almost free apartment every time we have a bad fight.
Strange things happen
I have numerous strange things that have occurred in our time together, such as my 2 small dogs which he hated came up missing all the time. One time they were so far from my house that I know someone dropped them off, no way they could walk that far and they were both in two different kennels when I left the house and he was the last one home. I did get them back that time after posting them on a social media site and someone called me.
Another time was when I changed my daughters high school when we moved in hopes to keep her away from a certain boy ”¦ I was told by my husband that the officer at the school (his friend) told him after every class she was on the pay phone. I spoke to my daughter and she denied it so I checked with the school and they didn’t even have pay phones anymore.
The affair
I found out he was having an affair after having a really strange feeling because of his wedding ring being in the sock drawer that he had no idea how it got there (lol). So I check his phone record and called the # that was suspicious and the girl said I need to leave her alone and speak to him.
Well he denied it. They both lied and said it was just a few conversations between old friends and I was crazy.
Until one day months later, she was mad and done with him because he never left me so she told me everything, sent me all of their text messages and emails where they were planning a life together. This apparently went on and off for a year and I literally had no clue.
But of course, he said she made most of it up and he was sorry and he never met her or did anything, that she was lying.
After reading the emails, he was telling her the same things he was telling me when he was leaving his ex-wife. It was horrible but he still denied most of it.
More strange things
He also has a gambling problem, which has caused many problems.
One time my new laptop was missing and I was going crazy looking for it and he was helping. He blamed it on my daughter and her boyfriend but I never believed it.
He says he put it in the system at work so that if one day it’s turned into a pawn shop it would be recovered. One year later that exact thing happened but the camera was broken on it and it was cleaned out.
My daughter always forgot to lock the door when she left and it infuriated my husband. He always said what are you gonna do when one day you come home and your 55″ TV in your room is missing?
Well, one day we were fighting, I went to my other daughter’s home nearby and he left as well. A few hours later I came home and my front door was wide open, her TV was gone and drawers looked like they had been gone through, really looked staged.
Testing me
When we were first together, I received an email from a random guy that was saying how have you been, we should get together some time, don’t you remember me, blah blah blah.
At the time I knew I didn’t know this person so immediately thought he was testing me so I went with it and did the right thing and told my husband about it. At the time I thought awww, how sweet (lol), but the email went on and he responded to the other guy and they spoke back and forth a few times, my husband told him to leave me alone.
Well, after I found the tracking device on my vehicle a few months ago and told him to go that it was the last straw, he laughed at me and told me it never worked (which I knew better, how did he always know where I was?).
Telling the truth
He did eventually leave but it took a while and ever since he has been begging me and telling me no one will ever love me like he does and why am I doing this to him, he asked me to meet him one day so he could tell me the truth about everything.
He says he went to counseling a few time and needed to tell the truth and to ask whatever I wanted ”¦
The girl, he says he did say 99% of the stuff, but never intended on having a relationship and that’s why she was angry and said they slept together but they didn’t.
The house break-in, well, he says he did that but didn’t take the TV, although I found the xbox cord in his hat box.
The pay phone, he says he made that up.
The dogs, he says he never took.
The email, he says he did that, so basically he was talking to himself.
The computer, he says he had it the whole time and didn’t know how to return it so he made up that story.
No one likes me
Ever since I have met him, it seems that no one likes me. Everyone he comes in contact with has something negative to say about me, but I have never had that problem before, that over the years would always hurt my feeling and I never understood it.
He is such a nice guy, always happy , everyone seems to like him and gets along with him.
Not violent, but crazy
He has never been violent or verbally abusive to me, but it’s just always crazy things. If I don’t go to the casino with him, he will leave me.
Always a threat ”¦ if I don’t do this or that he will make me miserable and always trying to buy me back and promise me the world.
Always waiting for his inheritance that I have never seen a penny of, but he has told me and my kids so many things that he will do once he gets it. But now he doesn’t think he will be getting anything, not sure why (lol).
There are so many more things that I didn’t list but like I am sure all of you know, this could go on and on.
Response from Donna Andersen
SoConfused don’t be confused. You are describing sociopathic behavior. Your husband is disordered. Get away from him.
You are married to a thief, a cheater and a parasite. When a grown man still depends on his mommy to support him, don’t step in to take the mommy’s place. He is just going to drag you down and he will say and do anything to not take responsibility.
Find yourself a savvy lawyer who will advocate for you and protect your assets in the divorce. Then cut loose the dead weight.
Yes, I agree! Find a lawyer that understands psychopaths. My lawyer doesn’t quite get it and still thinks he has a conscience.
I wish you luck, this behaviour is text book from what I’ve experienced and read. They will never admit they are wrong even when caught out. Get away while you can
I am trying to break away, we do not live together anymore but I don’t think a day hardly goes by without him begging me not to throw our marriage away. Its so hard and I get so confused, wondering if its true that he really is a sociopath. He seems so normal and loving other than all the crazy things, lol. I know that sounds stupid and I feel in my heart that I am making the right decision but that don’t make it easier. He makes me doubt my decision by saying how much he loves me and that he has been to counseling and has truly learned and understands and loves me so much and is so sorry and on and on and on…. He says that I am making a huge mistake and there is no one that will love me like he loves me and I will always be alone and struggle without him. I know he plays on that because he knows that I don’t make alot of money right now and he knows I don’t want to be alone forever. ERRRRRR, when will this get any easier? I wish I could just move far away for a while.
Don’t fall for it. When they say no one will love you like they love you, that is a good indicator of a sociopath or a stalker. Either way, you don’t want a part of that. When they turn around and tell you that you can’t live without them, that is another red flag.
It is a very subtle form of manipulation that on the surface seems nice – a confession of profound undying love- but in reality is a subtle threat – don’t leave me or else.
Sociopaths will attack the victim’s decision making ability by causing the victim to doubt their own logic and intuition. They will say whatever they think will reel you back in and say it in the most convincing manner possible.
The best indicator for you is that he is putting everything on you – you are throwing the marriage away, you need him, you won’t find love except with him etc. As long as the success of the marriage rests on your shoulders alone, you can be fairly confident you are dealing with a sociopath. A normal person would share the burden of making a marriage succeed.
If you look back at your marriage and the overall picture is negative, it doesn’t matter how good the good moments were, you were still unhappy and don’t need to keep yourself bound to that unhappiness.
Thank you, and yes there were plenty of good times but way to many weird, non trusting, odd behavior. Again, I know my instinct is telling me to stay away and I am but with all the texts I get daily it gets difficult and I sometimes think…would it be easier to just go back? But I am not, thankfully I now have LF to help me stay on the right track.
soconfused –
When he texts you, just delete it without looking at it. If you don’t have any children together you can go completely No Contact. Block his texts and phone calls, don’t answer his emails and refuse to see or speak with him. Eventually your head will stop spinning and a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders when you are free of his manipulations.
This is from narcissistfree it explains why the no contact rule is so important and the only way to break free. But please get the help of your local abuse center with an exit plan out of this relationship before you go no contact. Your husband is very dangerous!! Also think about using Donna Anderson’s (lovefraud) life coach program this way you can talk with her to get more help out of this relationship just click on the “contact” tab at the top of this site.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
Block his texts …in the text message section of your phone dial 9999.
In the message body type in block his # hit send.
You will get a confirmation text that he is blocked.
Unlike just adding his # to spam where you will see the messages in your spam folder, you will never know that he text you and the messages go directly to the garbage where they belong.
Don’t worry about the money, you will find a way. You made it before, without him, right?
Make sure that you find an attorney that understands his behavior and make sure you get alimony, it even just temporary to get by until things clear up. Make sure all contact goes through your attorney and stay strong.
Don’t stay with this man because you will be lonely. When things calm down and you are away from him trust me you will meet another man who is worthy of your love and caring nature.
You can use this experience as a guide…what you don’t want in a man.
We are all here for you.
No contact= another day to recovering from the emotional bond he has created.
In the meantime change the locks and get a security system.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Soconfused, I’ve reposted my post for you from the other day. Like Nomorewool states this is what sociopaths do they keep lovebombing the vicitm to get the vicitm back into the relationship. TRUST me when I say his abuse WILL get worse if you go back to him because he knows now that you will leave.
Sociopaths are all cult leaders does not matter how many followers they have they will all brain wash & mind control their victims (Literally they brain wash their vicitms). This is why he keeps using certain words over and over to suck you back into his evil game.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO TO YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER for free counseling and also attend their free women group meetings they will help you to see that you are in a very abusive relationship and that you need to leave for your own safety. Also they can help you with an exit plan out of this abusive relationship. The story that you posted shows that he is a sociopath. Every time you talk with him or read his text messages you fall back under his evil spell. the NO CONTACT RULE is the only way to break the spell but this guy is very dangerous so please get help from your local abuse center now.
Here is my previous post for you to read again. YOU are going to be ok once you reach out for help with the abuse center. You are not alone any more hon please keep reaching out for help!!
Hi Soconfused”he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits”RUN AWAY FAST FROM HIM ASAP!!!
Put together an “Domestic abuse Exit Plan” out of this relationship with the help of your local domestic abuse center. DO NOT weaver on this what so ever, this guy is VERY dangerous. Protect yourself & your children. Also get a restraining order in place for you and your children prior to you leaving then have it served the day you finally leave him. You do not have to do these things alone the abuse center has done this thousands of times to reach out for their help.
google “Domestic abuse Exit Plan”, “Dr Phil domestic abuse exit plan” & “Domestic abuse Exit plan you tube” to learn more about this important step.
FOR YOUR SAFETY DO NOT USE YOUR OWN PERSONAL COMPUTER ANY MORE OR YOUR CHILDREN COMPUTER. This guy has put a tracking device on your car who knows what he has put on your computer to monitor you. Use a friends/family members computer or go to your local library and use their computers for free.
Pay for a monthly home security system for your home. spend this money because while you are at work or away from your home your home will be protected from him. He is not going to stop doing his crazy behavior.
Since he is a police officer program the number for the state police in your phone right now”during an emergency ie if he shows up at your home after the restraining order is in place call 911 but also call the state police & ask them to come to your home along with the regular police. This man has friends in his police department that might protect him but the State police will not protect him they will protect you & your children.
go to the court clerks office and obtain a copy of his past divorce papers. During the divorce have your lawyer do a deposition with his ex wife to ask about his crazy events that she had to deal with because of him. Especially what he did once she filed for divorce. If you feel it is safe to talk with his ex then do so she maybe a good advocate for you. But only if you think you can trust her not to go to your husband.
Your divorce will be a nightmare just based on how your marriage is”check out Onemomsbattle. com, her books and they also have a great facebook page for support, to vent & ask questions. Get a court order mental evaluation on your soon to be ex once you start the divorce process (RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING) you can ask how to do this on one moms battle facebook. Ask also on their site if anyone knows of a good lawyer in your town plus look at the lawyer list of lawyers who understand narcissistic abuse.
What you have endured at the hands of this man IS emotional & mental abuse. Put this in your divorce papers as well. Document everything!!
I am so glad you had the courage to post your story and for searching the net to find your way to Lovefraud. You are going to get through this nightmare. We are here for you.
USA National domestic violence abuse hotline 800-799-SAFE 24/7 you can call to talk to a counselor anytime & they can give you local numbers. They also have an excellent website.
Thank you so much!
Soconfused, your welcome. Please keep coming here to vent & ask questions it will help you to open your mind up from his brain washing.
YOU are not alone anymore!!
Jan7
This is such excellent detailed advice.
I continue to read here as I am still struggling with no contact as I get stronger every day.
Thank you for all of your excellent posts and advice.
I am grateful that I never married or had children with him but that bond was pretty darn strong.
So happy to at least get some answers to my questions as I have been struggling on and off with this man for years.
He displays every definition of a sociopath . Everything.
Soconfused…
Read the reply to your post from Jan7 over and over again.
I know, I have been there.
No contact is the ONLY option to break the emotional bond that has been created by this evil monster.
You have to stay strong.
Every time you want to contact him read here about how this is not in any way normal behavior.
It does get easier over time but you have to work at it,and it is work.
Some say one day at a time, sometimes it’s one hour at a time.
Don’t waste one more minute of your precious life and time with this person as he has proved to you that he will just repeat his behavior on you but only if you let him.
Don’t try to figure him out, you won’t.
Just stay away and he will eventually go away but make sure you have a back up plan because just when you least expect it, he will try once again to convince you that he will be good for you…I am sitting here with an engagement ring from my ex that never meant a thing.
Run!
Hi Soconfused…he is a sociopath with narcissistic traits…RUN AWAY FAST FROM HIM ASAP!!!
Put together an “Domestic abuse Exit Plan” out of this relationship with the help of your local domestic abuse center. DO NOT weaver on this what so ever, this guy is VERY dangerous. Protect yourself & your children. Also get a restraining order in place for you and your children prior to you leaving then have it served the day you finally leave him. You do not have to do these things alone the abuse center has done this thousands of times to reach out for their help.
google “Domestic abuse Exit Plan”, “Dr Phil domestic abuse exit plan” & “Domestic abuse Exit plan you tube” to learn more about this important step.
FOR YOUR SAFETY DO NOT USE YOUR OWN PERSONAL COMPUTER ANY MORE OR YOUR CHILDREN COMPUTER. This guy has put a tracking device on your car who knows what he has put on your computer to monitor you. Use a friends/family members computer or go to your local library and use their computers for free.
Pay for a monthly home security system for your home. spend this money because while you are at work or away from your home your home will be protected from him. He is not going to stop doing his crazy behavior.
Since he is a police officer program the number for the state police in your phone right now…during an emergency ie if he shows up at your home after the restraining order is in place call 911 but also call the state police & ask them to come to your home along with the regular police. This man has friends in his police department that might protect him but the State police will not protect him they will protect you & your children.
go to the court clerks office and obtain a copy of his past divorce papers. During the divorce have your lawyer do a deposition with his ex wife to ask about his crazy events that she had to deal with because of him. Especially what he did once she filed for divorce. If you feel it is safe to talk with his ex then do so she maybe a good advocate for you. But only if you think you can trust her not to go to your husband.
Your divorce will be a nightmare just based on how your marriage is…check out Onemomsbattle. com, her books and they also have a great facebook page for support, to vent & ask questions. Get a court order mental evaluation on your soon to be ex once you start the divorce process (RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING) you can ask how to do this on one moms battle facebook. Ask also on their site if anyone knows of a good lawyer in your town plus look at the lawyer list of lawyers who understand narcissistic abuse.
What you have endured at the hands of this man IS emotional & mental abuse. Put this in your divorce papers as well. Document everything!!
I am so glad you had the courage to post your story and for searching the net to find your way to Lovefraud. You are going to get through this nightmare. We are here for you.
USA National domestic violence abuse hotline 800-799-SAFE 24/7 you can call to talk to a counselor anytime & they can give you local numbers. They also have an excellent website.
I wanted to add that all the crazy things he did ie releasing the dogs then lying about it, opening the door and removing the tv etc is all gas lighting abuse. Gas lighting abuse is a very stealth psychological abuse that is intended to change the victims perception and to push them over their emotional edge.
Do a search on this subject and add this to your divorce papers too.
Thank you Jan7 and NoMoreWool for the comments. I am so glad to have found this site and all of the helpful information. It truly makes me feel better knowing I am not alone and someones understands what I am talking about. I feel like when I say these things to a family or friend they think I am just complaining. I have been just honestly been confused and uncertain if these things are abnormal. Of course I felt that they were but he always makes me doubt myself. I am feel like I am now making some progress. We are not living together anymore but he continues to try by texting, promising me the world and sending flowers.
Yes, crazy making.
Mine actually came into my home while he knew I was in the hospital and made himself at home….
He left his signature …leaving the toilet seat up and till this day denies it. Liar.
Other times, before I changed the locks and got a security system he would come in while I was at work and just move stuff around. Some of my favorite panties have just disappeared….
Lord knows what else he did in MY house while I was not here.
The USA National domestic violence abuse hotlines website is great!
I have also called when i needed to talk to someone, they are great.
There is usually a few minute wait but worth it as the counselers are always ready to listen and arm you with a list of contacts.
I was given a phone number for an attorney to help with the no contact order.
Great info.
I sure wish I had this info in 2006, yes i have been dealing with this nightmare since then.
I was never eduated on this type of abuse, to me the boogie man was a creepy old dude with an overcoat trying to lure children with candy.
Time to take a good look see at my life because this is not the first abusive realtionship I have been in.
My father actually told me that the abuse I suffered with my ex husband(not the expath) like him throwing me against the wall and trying to choke me in front of my crying baby girl watching was part of marriage and I should just deal with it.
Time for this girl to have some self respect as far as my expectations in a relationship.
o it kind of makes sense that I would fall prey to the spath. he listened, he cared…he would never treat me like that..secretly planning his sneak attack on my emotions and caring nature. Let’s not forget that I have always kept a full time job, home and car.
I was hand picked by him. Unlucky me.
Soconfused, your welcome. We have all been where you are hon, the confusion, the self doubting the situation, trying to explain away their odd and crazy behavior. But you are now out & truly facing reality that he is not right in the mind. This is a good place to be.
My ex h did crazy things too one being in the beginning of the relationship one of my earrings went missing, just one. I was always so careful in the placement of my earring when I took them off in the bathroom and placed them in a dish on my very large counter away from the sink. I looked every where for the one earring. My gut said he did something with it but I just wrote it off as I missed placed or lost it. Years later when married any time I left my set of earrings in the bathroom one would go missing or in my jewelry box. Again I thought he was taking them…the gut is a funny thing it can put it all together for us but we sadly ignore it. Once I left and read up on the disorder I realize my gut instinct was dead on with him taking one of the earrings of many sets.
This behavior of theirs is called gas lighting abuse and it creates confusion like you are experiencing now. We are not taught about these people in school and we are good people and think all people are good that we let into our circle of friends and family. But this is far from the truth because a sociopath will mimic your good traits in the beginning of the relationship to make you think they are your “soul mate” then once you are hooked (addicted to them) they drop their mask to reveal who they are = crazy people literally they are crazy. The original term for such people was morally insane that says it all.
My ex did the same when I found out about his two year affair with his co worker. He literally broke down and sobbed when I finally had proof of their affair and begged me not to leave him. I was done with him & his lies/manipulation/mind games. He too promised me the world he told me he would stop drinking, go to individual & marriage counseling etc etc etc…that lasted literally a few weeks then he was back at his old games including still seeing his mistress as she was hooked on to him and would not let go even though she was married with a son in college. He got friends involved well really manipulated them to get involve to convince me he had & will change & not to leave him…LOL they never change ever. He sent me flowers on his “business trips” who knows if he actually went on a trip or was just at one of his countless mistresses houses. The flowers, gift, words are all a mind game to keep you sucked in. That’s it empty promises.
The craziness got worse when we went to marriage counseling on the way home from each session he would tell me not to trust the counselor and at the point I was so brain washed by him that I did this. What I needed to do was leave him & go no contact with him. This is the only way to clear your mind from their brain washing & mind control (they literally do this like a cult leader does to his followers as cult leaders are sociopaths/psychopaths too).
This guy you are married to is never going to change he cant he has a defected brain literally. These guys promise the world once they are caught but they never change. If you stay with him he will emotionally break you down & you will crawl away with nothing. This is what they do to their victims. This is why you should get his divorce papers and read what his ex wrote in them. Her story will most likely be exactly like yours…this will give you more validation. And even better if you can compare stories with her…what he was telling you at the same time what he was telling her.
I confronted his mistress and she said that “he was lying to me” well guess what now looking back out of his crazy tornado he was lying to both of us. He was begging me to stay telling me he loved me & he only wanted me and he was saying the same lies & manipulation to her. He was triangulation both of us against each other so that we would not watch his manipulation and put two and two together.
***google “sociopath triangulation” & “narcissist triangulation” & do the same search on lovefraud.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be very careful with this dangerous man. He will stop at nothing. His craziness will get worse…his “promise words” can suck you back in…these guys are masterful con artist they know exactly which words work and they know that if they keep begging, sending flowers & giving gifts (lovebombing) that they can suck their victims back in because the victim just gets so exhausted from their love bombing.
Print these post out and give them to your family to read & ask them to educate themselves so that they can protect you and your children. Also have them listen to the audio version of The sociopath next door by Dr Martha Stout it’s free on you tube (you should listen to it also). know that 1 in 25 people are sociopath/psychopath mainly men. And that all sociopaths are narcissist also.
Go to your local big box store on look at books on “Financially divorcing” you maybe in titled to part of his pension and part of is social security check if you have been married for a certain amount of time. Plus if he has been abusive in his past married ask your lawyer if their is anything you can do with regards to fraud.
Just know he will never change that he literally has a defective brain that does not function like a good persons brain. Just like someone that is born with a heart defect or other aliment.
Jan7…again, thank you for the info. It just blows my mind at how there are so many of them out there. I am seeing more and more and understanding more each day that I read all of these posts. I am making progress but it is hard. I know I will get past this and I feel like right now I am going thru the calm before the storm. I will keep ya posted and I will keep reading and learning. He did send flowers on yesterday and now he is saying he thinks he has cancer and that he is at the hospital.( I don’t believe that he is though) He says he will file for a divorce and he is taking my car today. (Its in his name and I can’t afford it) At this point, I don’t care, I would rather walk.
Soconfused, your so welcome.
They are all the exact same…it is very common for a sociopath to say they have cancer when they are loosing their main victim. BEWARE!!
He is desperately using “Pity play” to suck you back in, when this does not work he will switch to being angry with you & blaming you (again).
Do a search on lovefraud “Pity play” & also on the net “narcissist pity play” & “sociopath pity play”
Stay strong, once you are safe go no contact with him. This will help you tremendously to come out of his brain washing.
ps I’m sorry about the car situation. When you go to court ask in court papers ask for the car back most judges will give you the car back, also if you needed it ask for temporary alimony most judges will grant this too (push your lawyer for this) & also you can ask for him to pay for your lawyers…..this is another reason why it is so important in court documents to state his abusive behavior & also for your safety.
He is like a little kid taking his toys back if you dont play by HIS rules. Glad you are in a good mindset to say “I dont care” because you are taking back your control of your life by thinking that way (not allowing him to control you & your mind). I am sure his ex wife went through the same manipulation & pity play as you are going through now.
Here is a good article on how sociopaths fake an illness even cancer:
http://datingasociopath.com/2014/02/01/the-sociopath-sickness-saga/
The “I have cancer” is a pretty common one from what I read here.
Mine would always play on my emotions with his health problems..
ER visits are his favorite.
Then I would get a call from one one his family members that he is in the hospital and needs me.
They are blocked now too.
If he doesn’t file, be sure you do. They will drag you along with the I will/I won’t forever if you let them. Be sure to speak with a good divorce attorney, preferably one who has experience with criminal law as well so he has experience with how sociopaths operate. It may be to your advantage to let him file or it may be to your advantage to file first. It depends on how your state’s divorce laws operate. Just remember, your life is more important than possessions.
I have just ended a 14 month trial-of-hell/relationship with a probably narcissistic sociopath. This is about my tenth attempt at no contact, and I just know I’m going to make it this time. But I’ve always had a strong need to balance the books when someone hurts me – a trap, with a sociopath, you can never balance the books. However, last time I saw him I did have the satisfaction of repeatedly screaming at him where other people could hear that he was not like other people and that he lacked a whole side of human experience – like feelings and wonder – that most of the rest of humanity experience on a daily basis. I had left him for about a week, then felt horribly lonely and arranged to visit him. In the space of a week he had slept with someone else, someone he had been lining up for ages, if not seeing at the same time. He had not used a condom, or, how disgusting is this, showered between sleeping with her and then me, unprotected. He only told me about it when I asked him after we had had sex. I went ballistic. Many broken objects in his hovel, grafitti around his house and popular places he likes to loiter, letting the world know he’s an abuser. So I have to do the STD check, as is so very common, for people who get lured in by these sick, sick freaks of nature. That, for me, is the end of it. Yes, their brains are missing most of the stuff that makes us people.
Surprised
“felt horribly lonely ”
Are you getting the help needed to figure out why you feel horribly lonely sometimes, and how to fill that in?
You choose a creep over loneliness. That’s a lot of loneliness, and well worth working on. However, chances are, it wasn’t loneliness. The game manipulators play is make you feel bad about yourself, then “take the bad away with some good connection.” All timed to perfection so you automatically think of him as able to make you feel better. So when his past crud creeped in to start being processed after you left him, you went back to the source that has been taking it away (him) — though ultimately the source (he) will leave you with more and more crud.
So those “bad” feelings that motivated you to go back, need to be dealt with, and processed. He created them, including that sense of loneliness. Chances are if you can talk about them (before they are overwhelming) with someone who IS compassionate, they will feel better, and you’re stay away power will be greater. Also line up for yourself a number of activities that will help you feel better when it starts creeping in. Can be social, organizations of interest, artwork, reading, nature walk, exercise, cooking, repairing things, house cleaning (if it’s fun), organization, writing poetry, window shopping, mediation… anything non-addictive for you.
Curls – I’m not sure how to respond to your comment, to be honest. I’m not sure how to respond to people I don’t know commenting that I “need help” – are you? I’ve made about ten posts here, an open forum, while I’m in the middle of a fairly intense process of detaching from an abusive relationship. Please just let me be, I’ll be off your site in a few weeks time, max, and there are other places to participate that are probably more suited to my outlook and style of personal expression. But you don’t know these things until you try.
Cheers.
Which is to say that I’m vulnerable right now, if you want to take that as an indicator of a whole person who you don’t know except for some posts on an internet site – your business. Not mine.
Surprised,
I hope you don’t leave this site because of what someone else says. I think Curls was trying to help, not intending to say that you are unstable and ‘need help’. In email, as it is with text messages, things can easily be taken the wrong way. I think she meant ‘help’ in a supportive way.
I read your post about how hard it is not to go back. I have a daughter going through this exact same thing, for the umpteenth time. She called me last Thursday and told me almost exactly what you said in your above post on 3/25 at 4:44 p.m.
I’m planning to tell her to come here for support so she finally stays away from the person who is so disrespectful to her. He does the most deplorable things to her, she breaks up, and soon he pulls her back in claiming to have changed. He’s done this many times and it’s frustrating to see her keep taking him back, only to be emotionally abused all over again.
Pleas stick around. You do have support here.
Take care,
IAFraud
IAFraud,
Thank you. Now I really don’t know what to say! Yes, tell your daughter to get to this site, there’s so much information to help her see the patterns of behaviour and the unchanging personality behind it. The videos are also good. I hope she keeps breaking away from him. It must be horrible to see her going through this. Would make you want to kidnap your own child and lock her in the house!
He’ll have a hook in her heart somehow. They’re very destructive, it’s a game you can’t win, and they can make you feel like your whole inner existence is obliterating. I have literally sat in his company and said, you make me feel like nothing. They refuse to really acknowledge your individuality, it’s so insidious. It’s sort of vital that she have access to some kind of information to help her understand the BS. She might be ashamed, I don’t know.
Surprised,
I’m new here like you. I am not in any way connected with anyone running the site. There’s no reason for you to leave on my account. You can simply set bounds on what’s helpful to you and what’s not.
It’s an open forum; I saw your comment about going back; and an idea occured to me that I thought might help you sort through things.
Everyone here needs help, or they wouldn’t be posting and sharing with each other. So that’s all I was doing was sharing my observations of something that MIGHT or might NOT help — I ddidn’t know you so I had no way to know what would or wouldn’t be helpful.
In fact, I was trying to reach out to you, and be a compassionate connection, and I’m surprised that the idea I posted upset you. I’m not sure what’s off but obviously something I posted was off from what you were hoping to receive here.
Good luck with everything.
Suprised, don’t leave the site!
Honestly that is the first comment that I have seen here that has not been supportive and helpful
stronginthecity
Suprised, don’t leave the site!
Honestly that is the first comment that I have seen here that has not been supportive and helpful
I have feelings too!! This doesn’t make me feel good. I was intending to be helpful and my comment wasn’t “not supportive.” After all my follow up comments, I thought I’d made my intent much clearer.
“Which is to say that I’m vulnerable right now, if you want to take that as an indicator of a whole person who you don’t know except for some posts on an internet site ”“ your business. Not mine.”
I’m not sure what’s bothering you. I didn’t take a posting to be “a whole person.” I didn’t invade your space by assuming anything about you.
(A comment like “that’s not addictive you to” is general that I’d add to anyone including myself. Even cashew nuts can be addictive, and I ate too many tonight.) So if you are reading it as more specific or judgement of you, I wasn’t meaning it that way.
Surprised,
What I was trying to say is that it can be tempting to go back to someone who’s not all-together there … and the reasons can be less than obvious. There’s a manipulation they do that’s a “break you down, then create relief.” That head game of theirs can really play with you. I was trying to point it out — I’m sure it’s on this sight in the videos somewhere. To get around it takes knowing about it, then any sort of action that can fill up the space. That’s general ideas suitable for anyone, that I was trying to refer to.
By relief, I don’t mean that they act nicer for a bit. It’s more insideous. They’ll say something like “you’re ugly” then later make a move forward to you that reliefs the tension of having heard the negative thing — it’s very calculated and creates what’s called on here an abuse-bond or something like that.
Ok Curls. Thank you for the information, I will keep it in mind. Good luck with everything to you, too.
Jan7,
I tried to obtain a restraining order and was unfortunately turned down because we were not married.
I contacted the ex wife, who has a no contact order written into her divorce papers and believe that she is still under his spell even though she claims that she is over it and has moved on.
He calls her, which he is not supposed to do…from an unknown number…she still listened to him tell her not to believe a word that I say..please.
She should have just hung up but she did not.
He loves the triangulation more than anything and I will not contact her again.
I am in the process of going to court again.
Is her attorney obligated legally to give the court the info of the no contact order?
The details of his his stalking will be helpful to me.
Thanks,
Stronginthecity
This is part of an article on psychologytoday. com jsut google “gas lighting abuse psychology today” to read the full article.
“…..How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses…”
SoConfused,
I am a stalking victim by someone I dated who saw me as his property. A lot of your experiences parallel mine.
When I first ended the relationship there were 3 times that he was able to nag me until I spent time with him. The first time I did it I thought it would get him off my back. I learned that the opposite is what happens. He knew he could nag me into it again. After the third time I asked myself why I was spending time with him when I didn’t want to.
It was because I was afraid of the consequences if I told him no. Unfortunately, the consequences were bad if I spent time with him and they were bad if I didn’t. I realized that every time I spent time with him I had to start over getting rid of him.
I knew I had to figure out a way to get rid of him and still be alive when it was over. I broke off the relationship in June of 2008. I’ve gone through hell since, due to his relentless pursuit of me, but I would rather have gone through it all then be with him.
Just be careful. I’m worried about your safety.
Wow, I was doing the same thing and had to ask myself the same question, why am I doing this when I don’t want to. I did have fun while I was with him but never believed anything that was said and at this point it didn’t matter because of everything else. And yes, I felt too that if I didn’t see him it made things worse but yet when I did that really made it worse and I had to start all over again. I am doing good and sticking with it, I don’t want to get sucked back in again and I won’t!
Sounds like we do have the same story. Its just so weird to me that people are really like this.
Thank you for your concern and I am going to stay safe and cautious.
Yes, I can recognize the same type of experiences in our cases.
Do not be afraid to stand up for your right to get this man out of your life. No one cares about your safety as much as you do and you will be surprised how unimportant people’s lives are to some of the people whose job it is to protect you.
Also, don’t be afraid to make enemies while standing up for your rights. I was weak in the beginning and afraid to make people mad. Not anymore.
Take care.
He will go to all of your mutual friends and tell them his tales of woe is me…
He will tell them stories about how horrible you are, that you are crazy etc, etc.
Be prepared to take the I don’t care what they think because you know the truth.
On another note as if you don’t have enough to deal with please schedule an appointment with your gynecologist and get the COMPLETE work up, and I do mean complete including HIV testing.
I’m sorry, this may sound like in your face shocking but necessary because you never know who he has been sleeping with or carrying.
Do not under any circumstances sleep with this man ever again.
Take care of yourself and do please be careful.
A good article on why you feel so confused:
http://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/confusion-and-bewilderment-of-the-victim/
Every single item, if it were the -only- one, would be enough for me to end the relationship.
Each one is a 1) signal or 2) already directly hurtful and dishonest and manipulative.
“No one else will love you like I do”
Really? You know everyone in the world? Plus you know that I couldn’t connect with anyone else but you in a meaningful way? And if you go away, you wish that on me? Love is measured by what the recipent experiences, not by what the “you” says he feels.
He was in touch with a woman (she’s not a girl), and didn’t tell you from day one. A loving person would -want- to share what’s happening in his life for his own sake. Would want you to feel secure and not get surprised by a female friend connection. So even before the topic of affair, he’s failed at basic human relationship connection.
He used your computer? Let alone took it.
You have a ghost in your life who’s disappearing things. Yet, he’s not hysterical with you trying to figure it out — and his stuff isn’t disappearing.
Total dangerous nutjob.
Scary to me is that he’s in the police and supposedly protecting the public.
The sign of a healthy relationship isn’t “lack of physical violence.” It’s a trust-fulled connection that gives you room and takes some for themselves.
You knew he was “off” when you first met him. You were strong and aware. So he left you. It was later when enough time passed for you to forget that stuff, that he reconnected. Being familar, covered up your natural instints automatically. He knew that and used it to his advantage. He’s still “off” and you are still right in your initial perception of him.
You already answered your own question on what you want. You are strong enough to know your own mind. You don’t sound confused. And the decision is entirely yours. It doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong by anyone else’s standards. It’s YOUR life. You DO get to decide! And whatever you decide is perfect.
Be safe and well! Jan had some great ideas.
C
Curls, Thank you for your comment. Everything you said was so true, I do know and I do feel that I have my own answers. I am a firm believer in natural instincts and women’s intuition, but somehow, I still doubt myself from time to time. I feel stupid for doubting myself and for staying for so long in this relationship. It has been on and off and so many more things that are not in my story have happened. I have good days where I feel very strong again and that no matter what, I am better now and then other days I get so depressed and I am not worried for my safety, I actually feel sorry for hurting him. He begs like no other, to me his begging and pleading is not normal. He states that he can’t live without me and I shouldn’t throw our relationship away that God frowns on divorce and I need to read the bible and I will see. When I sit back and think about it, I can’t imagine a normal person acting this way when they have been told its over. I have even said just stop bothering me and live one day at a time and do whatever you want and pray and if it were truly meant to be then it would. Otherwise keep on keeping on!! I have said so many times that I am done and don’t want to do this anymore and he says he will never give up, EVER!!!! And I am making a BIG MISTAKE!!! Its constant text messages non stop every day, that is exhausting in itself. And yes, to think he is an officer is scary but on the other hand he has always been so compassionate to other people, (unless you cross him the wrong way then hes the most vindictive person I have ever met).
Every time I doubt myself and feel defeated, I get on LF and read and I know then that I am making the right decision. Just to hear that there are people that understand what I am going through and for me to be able to vent and get an honest response from others that have been there or that are there is comforting.
Thank you
No Contact will really help. He can’t use a Pity Play on you if you won’t communicate with him. If you ignore him he will come up with wilder and crazier reasons why you should take him back. No Contact allows you to sit back and enjoy the silence.
Great advise from Curls. We would not keep walking into a burning building hoping that the situation would change so we could live in peace. There would never be peace in a burning building even if the fire stopped you would have a burned out home.
Yet we keep walking into the sociopaths life hoping he would/will change even after we leave them because they give us their lying word promises. They dont change ever, what you see is what you get. Sociopaths are toxic people period and eventually your life will be filled with toxins just like a burning building because of the sociopaths crazy behavior.
YOU deserve so much better….remember when your life was calm and peacefully before this sociopath entered your life? well guess what after a few months of no contact with him you WILL become aware at how calm & peacefully & normal your life is once again. You cant have peace if the sociopath is still causing small daily emotional & mental abusive fires around your home & your life.
Soconfused, google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch their interview about following your gut instinct. It’s a powerful interview. Gavin Debecker’s book is Gift of Fear it really is a must read book for every women on this planet. Your local library may have it. It will remind you that you have a very strong gut reaction but you are over thinking the situation because this sociopath is filling your mind with lies, manipulation & gas lighting abuse.
You owe this dangerous man in your life absolutely nothing…you have giving him your life, your time, your heart and what has he done? Cheated, lied, gas lighted you, abused your children mentally & emotionally too.
When is all his abuse enough for you to walk away for good?
soConfused- you said
“No one likes me
Ever since I have met him, it seems that no one likes me. Everyone he comes in contact with has something negative to say about me, but I have never had that problem before, that over the years would always hurt my feeling and I never understood it.
He is such a nice guy, always happy , everyone seems to like him and gets along with him.”
boy does that sound familiar!! been there! after i finally got him out of my life i discovered that everything he had been doing to me–he’d been telling people i was doing to him!!
read that again, please, you need to understand what you are up against here. he’s running a campaign of disenfranchisement against you. he’s destroying your good reputation. he’s defaming you. in a case of law, he’s already got you beat- if not technically, in the court of public opinion. and that is a very big deal, in that it is often the guide to whether you are allowed to live & work in that area, or are quite honestly driven out- both economically and …well, sort of like the witches of old days. you are now the witch.
it’s like you are at war & no one told you. very much like that. you are the victim, plundered of some of life’s richest resources- time, energy, friends, possibly even family- he’s stealing those things from you. your youth? your children’s faith in you? love & trust. measure those, from all the other people in your life you love. will you trade him for them? you need to decide, because that is the price. he will pay nothing-because he will move on to the next victim. you will pay everything dear to you.