Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Roseann.
I just wanted to thank you for developing the Lovefraud site, sharing your experience and writing your books. I have read both.
The books and your site have helped me tremendously, not only initially when I needed to understand what was happening, during the no contact time and even now, when he’s long gone. It helps me to remember who I was back then and to see whom I am now and I’m pleased with my progress and the choices I made.
Cutting contact
All in all, I spent the better part of 10 years dealing with my on and off relationship/friendship with my spath and THE best thing I did was cut contact.
It didn’t feel like that at first. It felt horrible because I had loved him so much and I had to let go as if he had died. So I grieved. It was hard.
Thankfully, I had met someone that is obviously a saint because he stuck by me although he knew where my heart was. But eventually, I came around and we are happily married, raising children and no sociopathy in sight.
I have even realized some of my educational goals and am currently a certified Phlebotomist considering going back to school for my RN.
I wasn’t alone
One thing that helped me was knowing I wasn’t alone and going crazy.
Another thing that helped was keeping a daily journal where I honestly wrote down the events that occurred, kept detailed accounts of conversations and wrote what I was feeling. When it was time to cut contact, I went back through my journals for the year and wrote a list of ALL the nasty things he said to me and I kept it by my bed so I would read it every morning and that gave me the strength to delete his text messages unanswered and ignore his calls.
The last time he texted me was this last Mother’s Day!!!! I just laughed because did he REALLY think that I was going to take the bait after not having any contact in years!?!? I mean really!?!?
I erased it and went on with my life, thanks to you and your willingness to put a spotlight on these sad unhealthy people.
Thanks to you, your site, your books, my therapist and Psychology Today I dodged a bullet. A lethal one.
Destroying me
That relationship was destroying me from the inside out. It was changing me into someone I didn’t want to be.
It’s hard to embrace the facts and truths at first. We don’t want to believe because that means that we have to look inside ourselves and “clean up our backyard” so to speak.
I know why he picked me. Now. I had to dig deep and figure out what MY role was in making this mess because we DO play a role and the ONLY person that we CAN control and figure out is ourselves.
He didn’t like it when I took my power back. He didn’t like it when I stopped apologizing and trying to understand. He didn’t like it when I told him that I didn’t love him anymore and didn’t care if I talked to him ever again. He didn’t like it when after 6 months I still hadn’t contacted him so he contacted me and I didn’t respond. And I didn’t care.
Can’t escape themselves
I have no desire to get even or get revenge. I don’t wish him ill or harbor any animosity. I believe we ALL have to eventually sit down at the karma counter and get served what we deserve.
I feel sorry for him. I have pity for him. I know he’s miserable. Every day. And he’ll never escape it ”¦ We’re the lucky ones because we can escape the sociopath and heal and become happy ”¦
Sociopaths can’t escape themselves. They have to look at themselves in the mirror every day and although there are days when they can lie to themselves, we all know that they know deep down whom they are and what they have done and they even care but they are powerless because they will never escape themselves.
My satisfaction comes from knowing that his life is nothing more than a string of drama and people. No one sticks around for too long. He has no real friends. He’s middle aged now, never been married, can’t keep a job, has no money, living in his parents apartments, has herpes and trolling Tinder for a 20something because he’s not attracted to women his own age.
I believe he loved and cared about me at one point to the furthest extent that he’s capable. How long that time was, only he knows and it is not important to me anymore. It used to be.
Can’t understand crazy
As my husband tells me from time to time, “No matter how hard you try, you’ll never fully understand crazy.” Trying to understand crazy just eats our life and time away. Two things we can never get back.
Thanks for doing so much for people that have the misfortune of being taken for a ride on the sociocrazytrain. Whereas the ride was painful, I don’t regret it, because it’s part of how I ended up being whom I am today and whom I am today is a healthy confident woman that understands and knows a lot more about herself and that has led me to acceptance and forgiveness and has allowed me to move on.
I’m a better person now than when I boarded his sociocoaster. I chose to use the sh*t as fertilizer and beautiful things grew.
Machiavellian brains light up with the opportunity to exploit others
Roseann,
Thanks so much for sharing.
“I chose to use the sh*t as fertilizer and beautiful things grew.”
Definitely going to have to remember that phrase. I like it.
Thank you for your story, it’s so empowering and uplifting to hear from someone who’s learned the lessons and grown and moved on to better things. So many of us are still stuck in the anger, confusion, hate, etc. (rightly so), that it seems almost taboo to say you are not angry at the spath and that you do pity them. I’m still healing and still angry, but I have glimpses of pity and compassion for the spath and I believe at least for me I have to fully let go of my anger and embrace my compassion before I will be fully healed. Not for him, but for me. I don’t want to carry this hate and anger with me forever, it allows him to still have control over me. Plus I think of how much I love my son and what a joy he brings to my life, and I can’t help but pity that the spath is incapable of feeling that. What a sad life.
It does also seem that people who’ve been victimized get upset if someone insinuates they had a role. I truly believe if I was an emotionally healthy person that the spath would never have victimized me to the degree he did. I saw the red flags and felt the unease, but I didn’t trust myself and get out when I should have. I’m not saying I’m at fault for being victimized or that I allowed him to abuse me, I’m only saying that I personally think I was targeted because the spath saw my weaknesses, and I too believe the horror I endured is also leading me to do the work I’ve needed to do all along to be a truly happy, healthy open and engaged person.
Thank you so much for your honest sharing, you eloquently wrote a lot of what I feel and I hope to be where you are one day.
I’m still carrying the hurt and anger! Still having his new love interest thrown in my face! They were playing the private number prank call game all weekend! Why can’t he just leave me alone and give me my property and a divorce ??
Hey sohurt, xxx they are mean, they are cruel, their mo is to hurt, humiliate and degrade, and hinder you and all you love. He knows all your needs, wants, desires, plans and he will stop you getting them. You and your life were and still are just a pawn in his sick, perverse game. He’s recruited another victim to feed off, he’s fed and manipulated her as he did you.
DONT play his games, give him no energy, act as though ye don’t care. And
You, and all belonging to you, in his sick reality belongs to him, and this is what he will tell all, and they will believe him, because you believed him.
DONT BELIEVE a word he says, EVER, unless his actions match up.
And now think how you want to live YOUR life, and HOW you are going to get your property back.
Good luck, it’s a tough path back after being victimised by these malign characters, know you will make it xxx
Thanks nearlybyl,
I’ve been in such depression
Since those calls!! It’s awful !!
Today I find out more damage he did to my car before he left and cant afford to fix it grrrr !
And my stupid heart still feels some type of way that makes no sense to my head over him being with someone else happy having the time of his life in love while im at rock bottom 🙁
(((sohurt)))
Remember… he is not ‘in love’. He is playing a sociopathic game with a new target. He is footloose and doing his thing. But…he is not in love. He cannot feel love. One has to empathize to love another. Love is an action, not a feeling. It is something we choose, over and over and over.
I also felt devastated when I realized I wasn’t the only one, and that S couldn’t care less about me once he moved on to his new targets (there were 6). I felt total despair and humiliation that I had been ‘played’.
Well, he played all those other women too. And so is the ex-spath you are hurting over at present. All the women in his future will suffer the same abuse and pain you are now suffering. They will not be spared. He is not in love.
Roseann,
I really love your post. You have said so much, and so well; and I congratulate you on getting to a place of peace, security, and happiness with yourself and your life.
You have obviously come far and are no longer in the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) that is normal for the earlier stages of breaking free from this level of abuse.
Your post brings to mind another poster who used to frequent lovefraud who wrote about the phases, or stages, of healing. Her name is Kathleen Hawk, and I loved the series of articles she wrote for LF. Your post is rich with healing and acceptance. I am sure this is a place that was ‘hard won’ for you, as finding this level of healing is a work of love.
For those of us who are still feeling angry, vengeful, confused, hurt, depressed, or otherwise mixed up we need to remember that healing comes in different waves and that all of the feelings and phases are normal and ESSENTIAL for reaching the next place. There is no need for shame or blame in our healing.
It is easy to feel like we are doing something ‘wrong’ if we aren’t in the same place as someone else. But, we don’t need to.
I am very much at peace in my life too. But I went through all the hell that anyone else has to get here. I can look back now and see how each phase of my ‘recovery’ and healing lead to the next, and finally landing me on the shore of calm.
I really recommend reading the series that Kathleen wrote. I know when I did I felt SO validated.
Peace to all…slim
Roseann,
Reading your post is almost like I have written it myself.
That’s one thing that I have said over and over that blows me away.
The stories are so dare I say identical?
I too have moved on and no longer care and believe the karma train will chug on by and collide with the crazy train.
Painful and life changing.
For me it was something that had to happen and there is a lot that I have blocked out but the stuff that I do remember is enough to keep me away forever.
It’s all so transparent now, bur we all know how it is when you are in the grips of one of these monsters.
Best wishes to you.
Stronginthecity
I simply love this shared story of experience. And I applaud the awareness in realizing the part we have played.
I am six years out of the mess and have run into some situations where the test of boundaries that I learned from the ordeal has stood me well. These beings can be found everywhere and taking control of our lives and decisions is crucial.
Thank you for sharing and for your strength and courage.
I long for the day when I get to this stage in my life. He has had me face a lot of painful events from the past but he wanted me to face them so he could keep me unstable and depressed. I’m currently waiting for someone to stand trial for rape charges on myself from 22 years ago.
The sociopath has gained so much pleasure from my pain. I have been trying to keep my mind balanced while he has caused that much chaos and drama in my life. I have gone back to him over and over again. I have never felt so weak as I do now.
I have post traumatic stress disorder and experiencing symptoms of dissociation. Some days I don’t even feel like here or alive.
He has gone back to his ex, after 4 years of being separated but still he continues to harass me with texts, calls & cyberstalking & he’s out there destroying my reputation With his never ending smear campaign. He doesn’t give me a moment to breathe. I’m in weekly therapy with a psychologist. It helps but I don’t know how to get my strength back. I’ve blocked his calls and messages but then he contacts me via email. I have called out the police but I’ve messed everything up by replying to his crazy delusional messages. The things he says to me are just so sick, I’ve never experienced anything like it.
I can go weeks with no contact but then i stupidly respond to his callous emails and I’m right back where I started.
It was this relationship that had me look within and I found what was missing in myself.
My parents and two out of four of my siblings are sociopaths. I haven’t had contact with them for almost 10 years. The last few years since meeting the sociopath I’ve had to face upto many painful things, I feel like my whole life as been a bad dream. I just want to find myself again and find some peace & happiness. I just feel so hurt & angry, they cause so much pain then move on to a new victim without a care in the world.