LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: To she who has a child with the sociopath from the “other woman”

Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader “bodicasway” recently sent in the following note. It’s a message she wishes she could send to the former partner of the sociopath that she was involved with.

I have been thinking lately about the woman who puts up with this spath because they have a child together, because she let him move back into property next door to her, because she sees what he’s up to all the time ”¦ because I was involved with him as were countless other women. Right under her nose.

Dear Friend,

I know that you’ve seen countless women come and go right under your window, right outside the door of your own home. I can only imagine how that must feel for you, how that must rake you over the coals, how your love and all you have to offer have been battered and discarded by your ex for such a long time.

As a mother myself, I imagine that you try to focus on the son you’ve had together…put yourself together again and again, trying to make a brave face for his sake. Trying to protect him from the inevitable seperations that your ex facilitates again and again. Reeling them in, giving them that same sense of love and potential for a long lasting happy relationship ”¦ then easily throwing them away when they longer interest him, or transgress in some way.

I know you watched me on the day that I came into the picture, you probably shook your head and felt disgusted with me for falling into his trap, his scheme. You probably wanted me to feel the sting of the inevitable rejection, and separation.

You’ve probably witnessed him doing this to dozens of women before after and during your relationship with him.  You may feel immune to his games, feel a little thrill of vindication watching the others get burned.

I don’t know you, but I wish I did, I think you would probably LIKE to compare notes, talk about what you learned, talk about how he has hurt you, and try to heal from it.

My heart goes out to you, and to all the others who fell for him, and even for him.
He is just misdirected, twisted, damaged…

I’m a genuinely good person, if I had been accepted as a partner, I would have treated you as a friend, I would have cared for you and would have helped to make your life easier in little ways, if you would have allowed me too. I would have been a trustworthy co-parent…but, this was never to be. He never lets anyone in his life for the purpose of creating a healthy relationship.

It’s all about power and dominance, it’s all about control.

As it has been said, “Destruction defines renewal, death defines life, DESIRE defines HATRED…” his actions were about hatred, not love.

I’m sorry you have to put up with this stuff right under your nose, I’m sorry you have to deal with these things over and over.

I admire your strength of character, I admire your resilience… Somehow, I wish I could make it better for you…maybe I can, just by acknowledging your struggle, and your determination to try and do what is right for you.

I honestly wish you well, and that good things will come for you even out of all of this.


One of the other, other, other women

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12 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: To she who has a child with the sociopath from the “other woman”"

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Thank you, bodicasway, for sharing your thoughts. So many Lovefraud victims feel sympathy for the other women (and men) ensnared by the sociopath we encountered.

I wish I shared your empathy Donna. However, my experience was just the opposite. Most of the women with my psychopathic ex husband enjoyed the torment that his cheating caused me. The majority of the time the “other” woman had huge issues herself. I could tell. I remember suggesting to my ex psychopath that he needed to go back to his last girlfriend. He was “lamenting” over losing “his” family. I said go back. What “other” woman says that? I doubt that most of these women EVER make such a suggestion. One of the reasons that women struggle to achieve many of the things that men have achieved is their insatiable need to “win” over other women. Most will do anything to one up the next woman. The game gets even more interesting when a worthless man is involved. Sorry, but I am not buying this bogus “apology” on any level. Thankfully, the most recent “victim” of my ex psychopath’s attention IS as disordered as he is, so I consider this the final victory. Finally, two sick and soulless individuals meet on this planet. Finally justice.

hope52 – Yes, I’m sure your experience was just as you described it. However, I have spoken with many people who felt badly for other people involved with the sociopath, or wanted to warn the current victim – even knowing that the person was being lovebombed and the warning likely would not be heeded.

So I believe the apology is authentic, and I commend the author for the expressing what I know other people have expressed to me.

Donna, ok maybe she is “sorry”. My experience with 5 “other” women has not been as positive. One bragged on the phone about their sex life. Ick. Five out of five were NOT sorry. One with psychopath husband number one and four with psychopath husband number two. I do not share the theory that “most” are sorry and apologetic. Quite the contrary.

The “other woman” that I am dealing with now has apparently been around for several years. Together, she and my Spath husband have plotted to make me appear paranoid and crazy. She even knows the emotional affects my daughter is facing and has no compassion for her, demanding his constant attention to the deficit of my child. Of course he could stand up to her and does not, because he is self serving. Possibly the match is of two Spaths that feed off of each other.

II do believe Donna is right that some partners regret their part in the betrayal. That doesn’t solve the problem but I guess could make it easier to let go of the anger towards them. But like hope52, I’ve seen many women (and some men) who find it challenging and invigorating to get “one up” on another woman. Like they have won the big prize. Ewwwww.

As I go through this process and learn of his increasing number of conquest from my own life circle, I’ve begun to realize why some women, at church or mutual activities, always behaved so cold and abruptly towards me. To them, I was the enemy of their new love affair with my husband. The people I once trusted or considered church family betrayed me. That hurts.

Hopingtoheal I agree with you. My ex psychopath has been with his new “victim” for three years now. However, I am not sure how much of a “victim” she truly is at this point. She benefits from having two incomes instead of one and apparently has developed a new attitude of arrogance that can be so unattractive.

I believe that she is perfect for him. He has finally come across someone that can be just as self serving and selfish as he has been to most of his other girlfriends and wives. Perhaps the universe has finally spoken and brought two very disordered individuals together. I hope so. It sounds like this is what you are dealing with currently. The worst part is when there are children involved and they enjoy the chaos and pain they can inflict on your child because it always hurts you.

I think it is very rare to come across a woman that has any regrets for cheating with our husbands. If they had any level of integrity and compassion in the first place, at some point they would have backed out. I never cheated on my boyfriends or husbands over the years. Why take that first step? Sure, in the end you may “win” but what did you really win? Nothing as far as I am concerned. Absolutely nothing. Power on Hopingtoheal power on!

Thanks hop52 and same to you! And it does take power to go on. Power from God, power from others who cheer us on and power from within ourselves. 🙂

You may be right with women who know the husband is cheating with them.

Because sociopaths lie – especially about being married – many women believe the man is single, and are horrified to learn he is married.

I interpreted the letter above to mean that the sociopath was divorced from his wife but lived next door to her, so she was forced to see the parade of women he brought into his home.

I’m sure all of these scenarios are true in some cases. Sociopaths are always looking for new targets.

Hmmm, you are not REQUIRED to forgive and forget whats happened, and what others’ do to you today or in the past, or tomorrow.
I can’t speak for ALL women, I just wrote what was on my mind…and where I am with the process…it isn’t phoney, and it isn’t a game.
I’m not going to feed your anger and hate by directing any insults in your direction, I would suggest going to this forum though if you haven’t already: http://www.psychopathfree.com
You can vent all you need to and get much needed awareness advice and support for coping.

Dear Bodicasway
I have certain definitions that I use in my history with my now ex husband, a man I came to realize is a sociopath.

I defined the “other” woman as someone my husband triangulated me with. There were several “other” women.

During my marriage, when I was being scammed and I was confused and didn’t understand what was happening or why, the “other” women were in on the scam. Those “other” women were not kind, misguided, mislead. They were predators who knew my misery and fed on it.

In my definition, you are not the “other” woman for the reason that you were not involved with my legal husband, you came after he was a divorced man, when he became my EX husband, (as in divorced and as such, he is free to be with anyone he choses.)

I think it’s an important point to make because since you were not what I defined as the “other” woman, I would have no anger at you at all. You had NOTHING to do with what he/they did to me.

Dear NotWhathesaidofme, thank you for taking the time to give a thought to this. Since I’ve been NC for 5 months, I have had so many conflicting emotions, the feeling that I’m somehow not enough is one of the painful ones. I am also angry, there was so much deceit. I thought back on the experience – rehashing the whole thing over and over, trying to make sense out of it.
But, what it really comes down to is, there is no sense, at least in the way that I filter information. Unbeleivably,someone has almost no, if any regard for others feelings and thoughts, someone gets their kicks out of hurting other people – taking advantage of them, and using them for whatever he can get from them.
I should be grateful for the discard, and in a way I am now, but, the note I wrote was sincere. I do think on the situations around his life, or what I knew of it, and thats one that I will regret, knowing I was probably part of a painful triangulation.
And, yes, I wasn’t the other woman, as I wrote at the end, I realized at the end that I was definetly one of many others…not impressive enough I suppose, to want to pretend to be able to be in a committed relationship. But, as I said, I am grateful for the discard. So much worse would have happened if I HAD been ‘good enough’… so, I am enjoying not having to worry about it anymore, no more wondering, no more discards, no more games.
I’m free.


I’m so sorry for your hurt. Because we are gentle of spirit and so compassionate toward others, we can’t nor will ever be able to wrap our minds around how someone could use and manipulate us for their own selfish purpose. I’m in the same place as you in trying to make sense of it. I will never have peace about it. I just have to come to the point of accepting that it is what it is.

Unfortunately, I was the “right” person. I gave just enough resistance to make me a challenge but was complacent enough to accept all the lies and control. The perfect set up for being abused. I worry that when a real person comes along, they will not benefit from receiving the same understanding from me even if it is deserved. I have to heal completely and be satisfied with myself before I involve myself with another person.

So, I agree, be thankful you were “discarded”. What that really means is that you won. You wouldn’t play his games, fall under his control or succumb to his manipulation. He had to move on to an easier target. Me- I’m a sucker who fell for it for 23 years and I’m still trying to break free of his power. Being the “right” one is an awful position to be in. Be glad you were smarter and stronger.

Best wishes for a stronger tomorrow.

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