LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: To she who has a child with the sociopath from the “other woman”

Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader “bodicasway” recently sent in the following note. It’s a message she wishes she could send to the former partner of the sociopath that she was involved with.

I have been thinking lately about the woman who puts up with this spath because they have a child together, because she let him move back into property next door to her, because she sees what he’s up to all the time ”¦ because I was involved with him as were countless other women. Right under her nose.

Dear Friend,

I know that you’ve seen countless women come and go right under your window, right outside the door of your own home. I can only imagine how that must feel for you, how that must rake you over the coals, how your love and all you have to offer have been battered and discarded by your ex for such a long time.

As a mother myself, I imagine that you try to focus on the son you’ve had together…put yourself together again and again, trying to make a brave face for his sake. Trying to protect him from the inevitable seperations that your ex facilitates again and again. Reeling them in, giving them that same sense of love and potential for a long lasting happy relationship ”¦ then easily throwing them away when they longer interest him, or transgress in some way.

I know you watched me on the day that I came into the picture, you probably shook your head and felt disgusted with me for falling into his trap, his scheme. You probably wanted me to feel the sting of the inevitable rejection, and separation.

You’ve probably witnessed him doing this to dozens of women before after and during your relationship with him.  You may feel immune to his games, feel a little thrill of vindication watching the others get burned.

I don’t know you, but I wish I did, I think you would probably LIKE to compare notes, talk about what you learned, talk about how he has hurt you, and try to heal from it.

My heart goes out to you, and to all the others who fell for him, and even for him.
He is just misdirected, twisted, damaged…

I’m a genuinely good person, if I had been accepted as a partner, I would have treated you as a friend, I would have cared for you and would have helped to make your life easier in little ways, if you would have allowed me too. I would have been a trustworthy co-parent…but, this was never to be. He never lets anyone in his life for the purpose of creating a healthy relationship.

It’s all about power and dominance, it’s all about control.

As it has been said, “Destruction defines renewal, death defines life, DESIRE defines HATRED…” his actions were about hatred, not love.

I’m sorry you have to put up with this stuff right under your nose, I’m sorry you have to deal with these things over and over.

I admire your strength of character, I admire your resilience… Somehow, I wish I could make it better for you…maybe I can, just by acknowledging your struggle, and your determination to try and do what is right for you.

I honestly wish you well, and that good things will come for you even out of all of this.


One of the other, other, other women

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12 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: To she who has a child with the sociopath from the “other woman”"

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Dear NotWhathesaidofme, thank you for taking the time to give a thought to this. Since I’ve been NC for 5 months, I have had so many conflicting emotions, the feeling that I’m somehow not enough is one of the painful ones. I am also angry, there was so much deceit. I thought back on the experience – rehashing the whole thing over and over, trying to make sense out of it.
But, what it really comes down to is, there is no sense, at least in the way that I filter information. Unbeleivably,someone has almost no, if any regard for others feelings and thoughts, someone gets their kicks out of hurting other people – taking advantage of them, and using them for whatever he can get from them.
I should be grateful for the discard, and in a way I am now, but, the note I wrote was sincere. I do think on the situations around his life, or what I knew of it, and thats one that I will regret, knowing I was probably part of a painful triangulation.
And, yes, I wasn’t the other woman, as I wrote at the end, I realized at the end that I was definetly one of many others…not impressive enough I suppose, to want to pretend to be able to be in a committed relationship. But, as I said, I am grateful for the discard. So much worse would have happened if I HAD been ‘good enough’… so, I am enjoying not having to worry about it anymore, no more wondering, no more discards, no more games.
I’m free.


I’m so sorry for your hurt. Because we are gentle of spirit and so compassionate toward others, we can’t nor will ever be able to wrap our minds around how someone could use and manipulate us for their own selfish purpose. I’m in the same place as you in trying to make sense of it. I will never have peace about it. I just have to come to the point of accepting that it is what it is.

Unfortunately, I was the “right” person. I gave just enough resistance to make me a challenge but was complacent enough to accept all the lies and control. The perfect set up for being abused. I worry that when a real person comes along, they will not benefit from receiving the same understanding from me even if it is deserved. I have to heal completely and be satisfied with myself before I involve myself with another person.

So, I agree, be thankful you were “discarded”. What that really means is that you won. You wouldn’t play his games, fall under his control or succumb to his manipulation. He had to move on to an easier target. Me- I’m a sucker who fell for it for 23 years and I’m still trying to break free of his power. Being the “right” one is an awful position to be in. Be glad you were smarter and stronger.

Best wishes for a stronger tomorrow.


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