Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from “Starmom.”
Many people have had opinions, but no one’s been able to address the origin: Something caused my daughter to change, virtually overnight what could the guy have done to her?
Ten years ago, I made a mistake. Relatively new to an area where I didn’t know anyone very well, I accepted “a ride home” from someone I didn’t know. Refusing to take me home, and keeping me out, I was forcibly kept awake for what came to be at least two and a half days and nights straight after which my mind blacked out from exhaustion and I don’t know what happened.
During this period of time, I informed this guy (47 years old) that I “have no interest in dating anyone, and do not want a relationship.” His reply: “No, you’re just not ready— but we’re in one now!” As to me this guy was a total stranger, I assumed if I were to get home that would be the end of it, that I’d never have to see him again. It wasn’t til months later he admitted he’d been stalking me for nearly a year- watching, observing, following, and researching me; so I brushed it off when he said ‘the Bible says’ women cannot be the heads of their households that any guy can simply walk in and take over. He made another remark that really bothered me: “The only way I can get kids is to marry somebody who already has them.”
Although I’d told him I was not interested, he approached my 16-year-old daughter and asked her “What kind of stepfather do you think I’d make?” He then began showing up at my door when she was at work, saying he’d been telling her all kinds of crazy untrue things. I told her “When some middle-ager starts buddying up to teenagers, it’s never for a good reason.” Evidently hearing about this, he showed up again and sneered “Your daughter does not trust you anymore.”
As soon as she met him, she changed. She went from a girl who was super-intelligent, stunningly beautiful, social, and close to both members of her family, to being hostile, angry, suspicious, aggressive, and immediately assumed the position that anyone who disliked this guy was the enemy. Her entire personality, attitudes, behaviors, etc., changed so quickly and radically that a neighbor noticed it and when she started a new school term the principal and social worker called me in saying they didn’t even recognize her as the girl who had left for a brief summer vacation only a couple of months earlier.
The good relationship I’d had with her ceased to exist entirely. I later learned there were often instances where I as her sole parent should have been, but he had shown up in my place. In other words, he was attempting to claim my role in my family.
His initial threat was if I were to take legal action against him, she’d vanish into some other state and I’d never see her again. Considering her strange behavior, I believed this was true. Onto this threat he added the threat that if I caused any trouble for him he’d have her accuse me of child abuse. An additional threat: “One of your kids will end up dead.”
His scam: claiming I was mentally unbalanced, and thus unable to be parent to my own child. The way he presented this scam: claiming we were ‘in a relationship,’ but that I was ‘so messed up from my past’ that I ‘couldn’t make a full commitment to him.’ But while my daughter has never known how he got into our lives in the first place, it seems almost impossible that she believes there’s anything wrong with my mind. I mean by that point she’d lived with me for sixteen years! So the question remains: what could he have done or said that caused her to doubt and mistrust me, along with all those other changes? It doesn’t seem possible that simply approaching her at work and telling her lies to scare her could have caused this.
Until last year, I saw her occasionally, always on a very surface, non-controversial level. It has only become worse I haven’t even seen her since last June; and her brother (my son) said she cut off contact with him around the same time. From the beginning, anyone who disapproved of the guy was excluded from her life, but now she’s gotten rid of her family too. The gifts I bought for her for last Christmas and her birthday earlier this year are still sitting here.
“Starmom”
Donna Andersen comments
This guy is acting like a cult leader. Cult leaders are sociopaths on steroids.
I exchanged several emails with Starmom. The more she told me about the behavior of this man, and of her daughter, the more it was apparent that he had employed mind control to take over the girl’s personality.
As Steve Hassan says in his book, Combatting Cult Mind Control, it is possible for a skilled cult leader to gain control of a target’s mind very, very quickly, and that’s exactly what this guy did.
Ten years have passed, and Starmom’s daughter, now a young woman, is still under his control. It is very, very sad.
My new heroes: Ashley Madison cheating site hackers
I’ve seen the same kind of dynamic when I married a man that (to borrow a well turned phrase from Donna) turned out to be what I came to accept as a sociopath.
I thought I was helping my new husband to bond with my early school aged child. Instead he was smearing me to her and alienating her from me. He had expressed jealousy that I was giving her too much affection and attention. She was eight! I thought my explanation to him, that I was parenting her in these important years and that she’d be grown and gone before we knew it and hoped he’d join me in parenting her. Instead, as I later learned, he was angry, very angry, and he exacted revenge for my failure to “put him first”. He didn’t SHOW anger, but he did show revenge. He held grudges FOREVER.
My daughter’s behavior towards me was absolutely mindblowing. I didn’t understand it, until I looked with the awareness of what sociopaths do. Then I knew. He didn’t just smear me to the community, he destroyed and cut off my bond to my precious child.
Welcome to the world of Sociopaths! %$#&$&^!!!!!!!
I agree he is manipulating her in a cult leader style. My concern is whether he is sexually abusing her as well. I was thinking I would be reading that sexual abuse was part of the story by the end of the article. The personality change symptoms and decline in academic performance were sudden. I’d be asking what else could this man be doing to your daughter. The abuse is possibly the cause the abuse bond. Many cult leaders are sexually abusive. Imagine the threats she is getting not to tell if he’s threatening mom with false child abuse reports and death. Sexually abusers use the “don’t tell or else…” Threats to silence their victims. The abuse becomes the secret too and the social, emotional, mental and academic parts of life collapse suddenly as a result of the confusion and the fears someone will go to jail or die or blame her for the abuse; threatening she enjoyed it, caused it. Her behavior changed so quickly. Abuse must be investigated. Although she may refuse to disclose.
I am returning to this blog seven years after being betrayed and ultimately being emancipated from a sociopath. This blog helped me deal with what was a PTSD from that toxic relationship. It took me 5 years to have a healthy relationship and I married a great guy in January. There is hope. For the record I am 66.
My purpose in logging in twofold. When I read this story the first thing that came to my mind is that this monster may have also sexually. abused the daughter in this case. Mind control and sexual exploitation are so often linked. Is my hunch misguided?
2nd. I am always concerned when I see women in a bad relationship looking the other way when evil is occuring.
Long story short…I have dear friend who is married to a rich, handsome and oh so charming serial cheater. Her daughter is beginning to seriously act out and I have a sickening feeling that this maybe a case of incest. The awful secret of incest is that it can initially feel good but then the devastation takes hold. I know where this has actually happened,
I have not dug into the recent articles, so I have to ask when the sociopath starts to exploit your children how does anyone who cares react without over reacting?
Right from the start, it sounds like this guy is a criminal who should have been in prison for abduction! Starmom accepted a ride from him and he kept her somewhere for 2 and a half days, keeping her awake the whole time? This was not a ‘dating’ situation… it was a felony and he should be in prison for that. Then what he did afterward… the stalking, approaching her daughter, etc – also crimes!
He is a predator. He used the Bible as an excuse for what he was doing (as if that’s ever an excuse!!) and then used mind control to ‘steal’ her daughter. This is truly horrifying. And it’s such an incredibly sad story that Starmom is still having to deal with the fact that this psychopath/sociopath criminal is still in control of her daughter. I can’t imagine what this past decade has been like for Starmom.
I agree with Donna’s thought that he is like a cult leader. Right from the start, he attempted to use the brainwashing technique of denying sleep to his target. It weakens brain function drastically so that he can more easily change her way of thinking.
Starmom, HUGS to you…wow…my heart is breaking for you, your daughter & your family. This man is pure pure evil!!
I am so glad that you have reached out for help. Donna is spot on with the fact this man IS controlling your daughters mind. It can happen within hours. He is masterful at manipulating someones mind. The fact that he keep you up for 2 days without sleep is part of his steps to mind control you. This is what cult leaders do.
I would highly recommend that you read the book that Donna posted about Combating mind control by Steven Hassan. He is a cult leader/domestic abuse expert who has been on 60 mins, Larry King Live, CNN, Fox news, The John Walsh Show etc etc. His book gave me the full understanding of how my ex h controlled my mind & why I needed help out of my marriage.
YOU & your family can get her back. I would also recommend that you contact Steve Hassan at his clinic his website is Freedom of mind Resource Center…he and his staff help people all over the world. He will break your daughter free of this evil man.
Do a back ground check on this evil man asap with arrest record, restraining orders etc…check on the FBI. gov site to see if he is a sexual predator…the fact that he was only interested in dating women with children leads me to believe he is not interested in the woman but in her children like you have experienced.
Once your daughter is free have her talk with Donna here at love fraud as Donna will be able to help her sort her mind out from all the hell she is enduring.
Your daughter is so blessed to have you reaching out for help on her behalf…keep reaching out for help with Steven Hassan and your local abuse center.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!
TAKE CARE
Starmom, this info is from Steven Hassan’s website Freedom of mind Resource Center…if you go to his search on his site upper right site do a search on “Bite Model” this is what you find…he also has a video for you to watch.
This is how this evil man controls people including you during your time with him:
“Many people think of mind control as an ambiguous, mystical process that cannot be defined in concrete terms. In reality, mind control refers to a specific set of methods and techniques, such as hypnosis or thought- stopping, that influence how a person thinks, feels, and acts. Like many bodies of knowledge, it is not inherently good or evil. If mind control techniques are used to empower an individual to have more choice, and authority for his life remains within himself, the effects can be beneficial. For example, benevolent mind control can be used to help people quit smoking without affecting any other behavior. Mind control becomes destructive when the locus of control is external and it is used to undermine a person’s ability to think and act independently.
As employed by the most destructive cults, mind control seeks nothing less than to disrupt an individual’s authentic identity and reconstruct it in the image of the cult leader. I developed the BITE model to help people determine whether or not a group is practicing destructive mind control. The BITE model helps people understand how cults suppress individual member’s uniqueness and creativity. BITE stands for the cult’s control of an individual’s Behavior, Intellect, Thoughts, and Emotions.
It is important to understand that destructive mind control can be determined when the overall effect of these four components promotes dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mindcontrolled cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine-to-five jobs, be married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.
Destructive mind control is not just used by cults. Learn about the Human Trafficking BITE Model and the Terrorism BITE Model
The BITE Model
I. Behavior Control
II. Information Control
III. Thought Control
IV. Emotional Control
Behavior Control
1. Regulate individual’s physical reality
2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates
3. When, how and with whom the member has sex
4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles
5. Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger and/or fasting
6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep
7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence
8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time
9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet
10. Permission required for major decisions
11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors
12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative
13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think
14. Impose rigid rules and regulations
15. Instill dependency and obedience
Information Control
1. Deception:
a. Deliberately withhold information
b. Distort information to make it more acceptable
c. Systematically lie to the cult member
2. Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including:
a. Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media
b.Critical information
c. Former members
d. Keep members busy so they don’t have time to think and investigate
e. Control through cell phone with texting, calls, internet tracking
3. Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines
a. Ensure that information is not freely accessible
b.Control information at different levels and missions within group
c. Allow only leadership to decide who needs to know what and when
4. Encourage spying on other members
a. Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member
b.Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership
c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group
5. Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including:
a. Newsletters, magazines, journals, audiotapes, videotapes, YouTube, movies and other media
b.Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources
6. Unethical use of confession
a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries
b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution
c. Manipulation of memory, possible false memories
Thought Control
1. Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth
a. Adopting the group’s ’map of reality’ as reality
b. Instill black and white thinking
c. Decide between good vs. evil
d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)
2.Change person’s name and identity
3. Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words
4. Encourage only ’good and proper’ thoughts
5. Hypnotic techniques are used to alter mental states, undermine critical thinking and even to age regress the member
6. Memories are manipulated and false memories are created
7. Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only positive thoughts, including:
a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking
b. Chanting
c. Meditating
d. Praying
e. Speaking in tongues
f. Singing or humming
8. Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism
9. Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed
10. Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful
Emotional Control
1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings ”“ some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish
2. Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt
3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault
4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as
a. Identity guilt
b. You are not living up to your potential
c. Your family is deficient
d. Your past is suspect
e. Your affiliations are unwise
f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish
g. Social guilt
h. Historical guilt
5. Instill fear, such as fear of:
a. Thinking independently
b. The outside world
c. Enemies
d. Losing one’s salvation
e. Leaving or being shunned by the group
f. Other’s disapproval
6. Extremes of emotional highs and lows ”“ love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner
7. Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins
8. Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority
a. No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group
b. Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc.
c. Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family
d. Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll
e. Threats of harm to ex-member and family
Also google “The John Walsh Show Steven Hassan” to watch Steven Hassan explain how someone can control someones mind.
Such a scary world.
Jan
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I, too, went through all of this and more. I am divorced for 8 years now and very happily remarried for 3 to a wonderful man.
Its almost like these individuals has a script that they have put together and it really works. I was a stay at home mom for my 2 children. They were everything to me. My oldest child, however, exhibited a lot of the same charactericsts of my ex. At the time of my marriage, I really did not understand or know anything about sociopaths, I just knew something was just not right with my ex. Lying, manipulation, what I now know as gaslighting, controlling all of our money, ie allowance, having to tell him every where I went, and best yet, he was having me followed. For what reason? I still do not know.
The long and short is, within a few very short months, my ex turned my children against me, lied about me to them and the court, and I have not heard from them in 8 years. I am FINALLY accepting this very very hard reality. I do believe that perhaps my oldest was sexually molested by my ex. The youngest will do whatever the oldest does.
My oldest exhibits the very same behavior as my ex. Began lying at age 4 and has become a master at the game. My parents and other family members see that their grandchild cannot be trusted, uses people. They, too, are concerned that behavior is a mirror image of my ex.
Frankly, I am so afraid of my oldest, that after very careful and thoughtful consideration, I really don’t want anything to do with my oldest. DANGEROUS, EVIL, CAlCULATED, SCARY.
I hope my youngest hasn’t fallen into the same pattern. Any ideas would help.
Peaceful, your welcome. “Individual has a script”..yes, they have sized their victim up the second they meet them & then ask very specific questions to get info out of them then turn it against them with gas lighting, pity play etc etc. so crazy this world. Yes I knew their were bad people in this world & yes I had a good radar even with my ex but I was not prepared for the love bombing, pity play, gas lighting to suck me into a relationship with him.
If you go up to the top of Lovefraud under the red tab “book store” you can find a list of books Donna recommends one of them might help you to understand your son…it’s called “Like father like son” (I think that is the title??). I have read lots of other parents comments on that book and they are all good and gave them much understanding about their children or one child.
A friend of mine was married very young and she married a man who i believe to definitely a narcissist maybe a sociopath narc. When her first son was born I was very complexed at the fact that when I read him books he had zero emotion…that stood out as most children are excited and always pointing at pictures. As he grew into a teenager I noticed he still did not have emotions & he was manipulative to his mom (my friend) and lied to her a lot…all red flags. Once I escaped my ex h and went to counseling and that counselor told me I was married to a sociopath I put two and two together that my friend ex h & son feel into this category too but maybe not to the extreme of my ex h. She too was told in counseling that her ex h was a narcissist maybe more but she did not want to share it with me not sure??
Looking back I know now that these traits do turn up in young children but most of the time are not fully understood by their parents, teachers, etc.
The fact that you think your son falls into this category you need to listen to your gut. If you are afraid of him then you must heed your body warning alarm. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to listen to their interview on listening to your gut and read Gavin’s book Gift of fear.
As for my friends youngest he too did not fall into the “pattern”. I have read a lot on the topic and have come to the conclusion that their brains are different, that a sociopath or narc brains do not function either well or not at all in the emotional region of the brain. So this would explain why one son maybe one and the other one may not be = genetics = one son has the gene of his father and your other does not.
You have been through so much…my heart breaks for you…hugs to you. I think you did the right thing in following the no contact rule with your ex h & oldest son.
Check out Onemomsbattle. com and their Facebook page under that name…ask if anyone has endured the same and also how you can help your youngest son. There are over 10,000 victims on there site and they know exactly what you are experiencing and will be able to guide you better on how to help your youngest. Open a fake email then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat freely with out your friends/your ex’s friends/your ex seeing what you are chattting about.
Wishing you al the best.