Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a Lovefraud reader who posts as “Remembertoforget.”
We met on Facebook, because we had mutual friends/acquaintances. I would see him comment on girls’ posts. Funny because I deleted him thinking, I don’t really know him. Why have him on here. He sooner or later re-friended me. ”¨I almost dodged a bullet. Perhaps my subconscience was one step ahead.
I was depressed when I met him. Two friends had just passed away and I left my long-term boyfriend and was staying at my mom’s. He would post stuff that attracted me, and one day I randomly messaged him. I never do that.
SAD STORY:
He had been upset because his children’s mother had left him. She took the kids when he was at work one day and he came home to a letter and an empty apartment. He said she took 20k with her and moved back home because she had missed her family. Red flag.
My sister left her ex-husband and moved away to be with someone, so I immediately rationalized it as possible. He said his ex was all lies, lies, lies. He said she had a problem stealing from him. Money, etc…
He also talked about how his mom and step-dad died of cancer, and how everyone always dies and leaves him. He had an ex before his kids’ mother that he said he would have married, but she died in a car crash. Yet, claims he didn’t believe in marriage.
I empathized with him on his stories of loss because, I too am a cancer survivor, and had just lost a dear friend to it.
LOVE BOMBING:
We talked all day everyday, fb, texts, email, and other.
Once things got going he professed his love for me. Overly charming, cheesy compliments, love of my life, nobody has ever done these things for me, I would follow you to the end of the earth…
CRAZY MAKING:
He told me that they rented a house and after she left he moved into his small one bedroom apt. There were stickers on the walls and kids toys throughout. I thought nothing.
One day he pulled out a toy and slipped saying, why would she leave this here? It’s my daughter’s favorite toy. Then I questioned. He lied.
He came over every night. We were hypersexual. He had a porn habit. I suggested cutting back a bit. He said I asked him to quit. He frequently talked about his exes or subtly made comparisons.
He was driving a BMW that he bragged about when we met. It turned out to be his first ex’s from 11 years prior that he was with for 7 years. He was taking over payments for her as she couldn’t afford it. I know who she is. She lives up north and near, traveling back and forth. He confessed and returned the car saying he didn’t want any ties, yet said earlier how they are bffs.
Suddenly, if I would ask about her he would say don’t mention that bitch’s name, and that he blocked her or deleted her. ”¨I deactivated my fb so then he deactivated his, acting like I asked him to.
His child’s mother was NC with him. I thought he didn’t know where they were. He pretended to hire a detective.”¨ She eventually turned up after some papers were sent to his job.
ABUSE:
We started fighting so often, it got more and more frequent. Sex and fighting.
I constantly was questioning EVERYTHING. NOTHING made sense. Everything was a contradiction. Holes in every story. He pushed every button. Things happened so fast I was literally going crazy. I started therapy to try and sort through it all. I even blamed my self.
One night after having sex I made a comment, can’t remember what, and he flipped out on me. He cornered me in the kitchen with his fist saying he was going to bash my head in and knock my teeth in. I feared for my life.”¨ I broke up with him the next day.
I was always trying to break up with him as each argument he would yell are you breaking up with me?, until I would say yes, then he would come beg and cry and bully me about it. He cried and begged. I took him back.
We still fought, he called me degrading names when fighting. I walked around sick everyday. I had a stomachache since I met him. He was such a force, I told him at first.
I would make jokes or ask questions about him having a secret life or being a con man. I had no idea when I had said those things, but my subconscience did. He has six email addresses. I questioned that. He did get physical with me on two occasions.
THE END:
Finally after me calling out his habitual lying, he admitted the big lie that had 100 lies surrounding it. He moved all 4 of them into the shitty one bedroom apartment and she ended up leaving. He had lied to me the whole time about them living there even with proof right in his face.
I dumped him once and for all and the shit hit the fan. Bullying, harrassing, begging, threatening, lying, fighting. Saying his ex wants him to move up there, that she can’t handle the kids.
Next day saying he’s not gonna talk to them anymore and just send the money, that it’s confusing for them to talk to him.
Then another day, writing, the kids are coming home. He pretended he had a seizure and went to the ER. He then fought with me for not coming to be with him. He played that story for a week, talking about it, until I asked for proof. He finally admitted that he didn’t go.
Sick bastard fought with me about it. That is when I changed my email address and eventually my phone number. He begged me not to.
One of my last texts to him hadn’t gone through yet, and the number change went through! I had no idea. He saw the new number. Suddenly I got the worst messages ever coming in.
DEVALUE & DISCARD:
He called me every name in the book. Saying he has plenty to replace my ass with. ӬSaying he has someone who really loves him just waiting for ME to mess up.
I ran back to the store and changed it again. ”¨ He called my job three different times from different numbers within two weeks. The last time my boss told him he can’t call there and he stopped.
AFTERMATH:
So much more had happened, but I know you’ve heard it all. ”¨I had little support. It was like, get over it. Nobody seemed empathetic, like they had been there done that.
My disordered friend from many years back ended up betraying me shortly after, unrelated to this. I was so sick and in shock. It hadn’t set in yet. The reality of what “it” is. I was stuck on reading about NPD because psychopath just sounded way worse.”¨ I then had to cut off my friend right after she started a smear campaign on me via fb. Nobody likes her anyways though,
I then deleted all my social media accounts, and changed my number AGAIN. I gave it to maybe three people. Ӭ I slipped into major depression and stopped eating. I went to the hospital and got on some medicine. It saved my life.
BREAKING NC:
The day before I went to the hospital I decided to peek into my old email address because my tablet never let me delete the account. After a month and a half of NC, I saw that he still sent me emails until mid Feb. I didn’t read any except the last one, and I replied, a short thank you for your wishes I could use them.
He wrote back. I was so weak and sick. He acted so helpful and loving about me going to the hospital. I made one quick comment about the past and he swiftly turned it ALL around, and saying we don’t ever have to talk about us again and to get better.
There was also a sad story about his birth father dying. He died in 2013 it said. Always a sad story.
That’s when I saw it for what it is. A psychopath. I did the gray rock method, not even knowing what it was. I had no fight left. I will never win. He is not my friend, he is the enemy.
The next day he sent one love bombing me to give us a chance, Etc etc ”¦ after ignoring him, he sent a few more. Then after the weekend sent more, saying how he doesn’t judge ME and nobody will love everything about me like he does! Again, turning it all around. HA!
EDUCATION:
He just doesn’t know I got educated.
Thank God I found Love Fraud. ”¨I haven’t answered any messages from him.”¨ I’m sure he stayed close with the first ex the whole time. She must be sick if she knows how he is and still hooks up with him.
He said he never married his children’s mother, but in a way I wish he did, so someday he would have to pay alimony AND child support. My heart hurt for her. She was 10 years with him, much younger than him, far and estranged from family, didn’t work, and was isolated. Thank God she escaped.
There were many more crazy details of course.Ӭ Two mutual friends said he was so sweet. I believed. ӬI wanted to die by the end of this.Ӭ Other than having cancer myself, this was the most disturbing event of my life.
Sincerely,
Remembertoforget
Was Andreas Lubitz, who crashed Germanwings flight into mountain, depressed or a psychopath?
Im glad to hear that you are getting better. And i know you are right about the No Contact, i was sooooo proud of myself, and actually happy when i hadnt contacted him for a week. And now im so angry at myself for looking at his facebook, why oh why!?!
And i know you are right about that contacting him, is like feeding his ego, he actually said that one time when we argued.. I said something like, “you will end up alone if you keep treating people that love you like sh**”.. And his response was something like “I will never end up alone, you will always be there, you cant even stay away from calling or texting me for 1 day Cat..” (and then he smilede)… :-/
When i read all these stories in here, almost everyone say that there ex the N keep contacting them… But mine doesnt.. Im the one contacting him, when he gives me the silent treatment or is with another woman.. and then, after a few weeks or months, when he wants something from me again, then he takes his phone when i call, or respond to my mails… The he talks to me, say he misses me etc.. and then the hell start all over… And that is one of the things, that does that im starting to feel like he is right, that im the crazy one, that i might be the N?? Cause its me that is contacting him.. If i didnt contact him, i dont think i would hear from him again.
And that is also one of the things that makes me angry at myself, because i really want a life without him, be happy, find a sweet loving and stabil guy. But still, i sit here wondering if he will contact me.. wondering what he is doing… And i hate it!
What did you do, to stop all these crazy thoughts ?
Honestly, I understand about getting upset about not hearing from him ever again. I’ve had trouble closing my old email account, and I know once I do it, that’s it. I will probably never hear from him again.
I changed my phone number and deleted social media. If you truly leave him alone- as in you fell off the face of the earth, who knows what would happen. It is a hard battle, letting go vs. holding on.
For me, I got in therapy, and journaled ALOT, everyday just writing shit, all my anger all the things I wanted to say, all my thoughts. I did that each day for 2 months or so.
I had to cutt off a bunch of half-friends too and barely talk to anyone.
I had other stuff going on and so I really did become depressed and it effected me physically too.
So I had to see a doctor.
For obsessive thoughts, you can journal, pray, or meditate. I used to meditate alot. It quiets the mind. I would just go walk too. Do things that get you outside of yourself- your head.
It’s hard I know…
I get that too. To me, it’s the bonding thing, no matter how awful they are, we’ve bonded with them at some point. Probably deep and fast. It’s not a nice feeling at all to find yourself hankering to make contact again, to feel that bond again.
Surprized,
That bonding thing is crazy.
I just try to remember how now my environment is peaceful, and how with him, I could never settle into peace. When you would normally be growing more comfortable. I didn’t know he was a drama queen. He seemed so calm and caring.
🙂
No, neither could I, for longer than about 20 minutes. I could get a good 20 minutes of “peace”, which was probably just relief at reconnecting with him, and then the insanity would start again. The garbage that came out of this guy’s mouth would drive a saint mad.
Surprized:
How long has it been since you haven’t talked to your ex?
Only about a week, 10 days, just when I first started posting here. First few days were very hairy indeed, it’s just unpleasant as hell initially. I feel more detached from him every day. I think it helps that I have quite a few big decisions to make at the moment regarding where I live and what I do for the next few years, so most of my energy is going into freaking out about how big a move I’m going to make, instead!
It feels more like a bit of grief at the moment. I think that must be a positive sign.
Surprized,
Well having to make those decisions will certainly distract you from some of the feelings.
I hope you are well, and without the craziness around atleast you’ll have peace to decide what you gotta do.
Thank you for letting me know I am not “sick” or crazy for having a hard time letting go of my spath ex-husband. After 2 years of virtually no contact (due to order of protection, plus I did not know where he was living during/after the divorce), within a 5-day period I learned he had lived a double life, with one adultery partner and a “stepson”, for 17 of the 30 years we were married; accidentally ran into him and confronted him; met the adultery partner, and learned from her that he’d been unfaithful to me even before he hooked up with her. While this was awful and made me physically ill for months, it did clear up some of the confusion and frustration of my failed marriage. I continued to talk with my ex and with his adultery partner, trying to make sense of my life experience. She admitted knowing all along that he was married, and she was upset that he had insisted, that whole time, that he did not live with me, much less sleep with me. She threw him out for a second time after talking with me. Guess what? He came to me repeatedly, tearful and repentant, wanting to get back with me. I almost bought it, but checked with the mistress and he was telling her the exact same thing. Still, I wanted to continue a relationship with him, so I am trying to be “friends”. However, this has been a rocky time for me. I enjoy going out with my ex, but hate knowing he still sees the woman with whom he betrayed me. Very gradually, though, the pain and anger are decreasing. I hope this means that someday I will reach a point of true and complete goodwill toward him. I have finally begun “practice” dating by meeting men through an online site. I am very careful, and also realize I am not ready for an actual relationship yet. I do wonder, will I ever be completely “over” my ex? Right now it feels like an obsession, but I am trying not to be too hard on myself about it.
I think victims experience different degrees of moving on and getting over the horrible experience. You will feel better and get over the pain that he has caused as you do the hard work of understanding what happened to you and making changes that are in your best interest.
Consider that releasing your anger and pain does not necessarily mean that it is in your best interest to continue to interact with a pathological liar who manipulates and lies to women. Given what you know about his past and present behavior, he does not choose to be what a ‘friend’ is and to do what friends do. A commitment to honesty and consistent choices that enhance your well being are minimum standards for someone you consider a friend, and your ex doesn’t meet those standards.
Forgiving him and even feeling goodwill towards him does not mean you should overlook his choices and his harmfulness to you and others. It does not mean you should interact with someone whose only interest in you is to exploit you. Consider that nothing forced him to cheat consistently over all those years.
Consider what is best for you. For most people, especially victims of spaths, there is no benefit and a lot of negatives and potential harm in continuing to interact with a spath who is not beneficial for anyone. Consider their motives.
M,
The lies and double life is painful. I could have done research and really found out stuff he was doing, but there was already so much crazy making going on and I didn’t want to seem psycho- especially because him and the first ex were close, she would prob lie for him. I would dream of talking to his children’s mother, the one who left him, but again I don’t know how that would go. I know enough- that he’s a pathological liar and sick bastard, and that has to be my closure.
I honestly can’t WAIT until he is GONE from my mind. The whole experience!
Go carefully with your ex. Listen to your gut.
Remembertoforget, reading your story was like reliving my experience. I understand how friends support is “to get over it, move on, just ignore it.” It’s nearly impossible to do that when your life has been invaded by a psychopath. Also, when the 4th psychopath entered my life just last November (why am I a magnet for sociopaths?) I was just coming off treatment for cancer as well. I was physically vulnerable but emotionally stable. My story has many horrible details and at this point his psycho wife (not ex wife like he told me) actually emailed my boss with some crazy story how I’m stalking her. My boss forwarded the email to me while I was in France on vacation. Then the psychopath (guy) started emailing me saying “leave my wife alone, you are a desperate low life individual and she’s going to press charges against you”. It’s a stunning, shocking, mind boggling experience, if I file a restraining order it’s adding fuel to the fire, if I don’t, I’m an open fragile target. I took necessary precautions, I blocked both of them from FB, then deactivated my account, had my online information removed i.e. White pages, removed my name from my mailbox I my apt building. I can’t stress no contact enough. These people are not strangers to me, I dated this guy in high school, it was sweet and amicable, 27 years later he found me on FB, pursued a relationship with me that unfolded just like yours, love bombed, lies then the nightmare began. I still can’t believe how it happened?
Sounds like the spath’s wife caught him cheating with you, so he lied a story that you are a psycho stalker and he’s an innocent victim.
Consider that he probably lied to you about her, and she may not be any more psycho than you are. It just works for him to keep his wife away from his girlfriends.
How it happened is that there are evil people out there who like exploiting others, harming others and manipulating others. They know right from wrong, they just don’t care. It’s mind boggling. You can be glad you don’t understand. Who’d want to understand evil?
Adriana,
Wow, that does have some similarities.
His first ex from way back knew about me and I found out after, that she asked my mutual friend what kind of girl I was. She said bc she cared about him. She took her car back- not sure who’s idea it was, he said it was his. Doesn’t matter but I know they stayed talking or whatever. He shut me down if I asked about her and their friendship. He knew I could have found out- but he kept me busy enough trying to figure out WHY his ex up and left with his small children. Oh the drama surrounding that secret. Yea, he either beat her or cheated or both.
I hope you have recovered from cancer treatment. These people are like cancer.
Today was a lil emotional for me. Accepting, sadness, anger, and grieving. Anger at myself.
Hope you are well.
They run through our lives and then we are the ones that end up re-arranging everything afterwards. Change our numbers, emails, deactivate social media. I was social on media! Lol. Look where it got me, so i’m ok I suppose, but still, my whole life has been refurbished now. He can sit in his shitty apartment at his comand-center fishing for more victims. I guess they get thier jollys off of it, i’m learning.
Sorry for rambling on…….
I have been married 12 years to my sick husband. I knew something was wrong with him right away but had no idea. I just figured he never had any family really stick around and show him love. I decided I would be the person who was great at loving him. I was and still am good at loving. I can’t turn my feelings off just because he has no feelings. Well, he walks all over me. The stealing, drugs, gambling, lies, the obessive porn, control issues, the extremely weird sex roll playing. I am finally ready to figure how I can get a job so I can have money of my own to move me and our son out. It only took 12 years to deside I’m ready. Im so lonely, can’t make friends. Wouldn’t be able to hang out with them anyway. I have no self esteem. I hate my life, I want someone to care for me, like me, love me and respect me. Im glad I found lovefraud! I like hearing everyone’s comments and stories. I feel not so alone.
Goldelocks,
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope that you can find a job to start the process of removing yourself from a sick person. The people here are so knowledgeable and supportive. I can’t imagine how people survived before such information on this was so easily available to the public. If you can also get into therapy that may help assist you along as well.
Keep reading and posting. There is power in numbers.
🙂