Editor’s note: I received this email a few days ago from a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Larissa.” At first I declined to publish it, because Larissa is raw with pain, to the point of seriously considering suicide, and I was afraid that it would trigger other readers. She said she was going to a hospital for help, if she could find someone to watch her dogs.
Well, she found a dog-sitter. She went to the hospital. The hospital sent her home, telling her to see a psychiatrist.
This woman is in need of support. She needs to be heard. She needs to be understood. Therefore, I am publishing her letter. If you are raw with pain yourself, it is probably best that you don’t read it. But if you are healed enough and strong enough to offer support, please provide some kind words to Larissa.
Suicide risks in the aftermath
What is it really like to be in Post Traumatic Stress mode? A horrible thing happened (I was denied access to my granddaughter because I finally got angry with her guardian (a step grandparent) for not taking her to a counselor after 3 years of sexual abuse by a man I BROUGHT INTO HER LIFE. I’ve waited a year and she still has not made a move to get my granddaughter any help. This scares me, she may end up like me and that is a horrible thought.
Okay ”¦ so this is what PTSD feels like in case anyone can relate ”¦ and I sort of just need to be heard right now.
1. It is my fault I brought the man into my granddaughter’s life. I am the worst kind of grandmother one can have if I can’t even protect her when I myself was sexually molested at puberty. Why didn’t I watch more closely?
2. I should never have disagreed with the step grandmother about counseling because I was putting my relationship with my granddaughter at risk. I always fk things up and end up on the losing end of the stick. I am worthless to my granddaughter because I can’t seem to keep her safe or get my point across about her needing counseling without offending the whole damn world! My mouth in “speaking up” has gotten me in so much trouble throughout my life you would think I would learn to just shut up and let life be ”¦ let it all go ”¦ let it roll off my back things that have been said to me over and over again such as when I say stuff like my stepfather was molesting me, my mom was abusing me, my dad was freaking crazy and torturing all of his kids emotionally and physically; and MY GRANDDAUGHTER NEEDS COUNSELING SO SHE DOES NOT END UP LIKE ME, wanting to die ”¦ hating myself. Blaming myself. And the tapes play on and on ”¦
Intellectually there is a disconnect in me. I feel unloved, unwanted, worthless, ugly, wouldn’t be missed, and a bother to society at large. I find it very difficult to ask for help because, frankly, I’m just not worth anyone’s time.
Now, that sounds like a freaking victim mentality if you ask me. So, now I hate myself for being such a wimpy victim.
Tapes tapes tapes tapes ”¦ playing in my head all day and all night long for going on 3 weeks now. Things my mother and siblings have said to me ”¦ how wrong I am. How I should just shut the f up! Finally the step-grandmother let me (grudgingly) talk to my granddaughter and did I hear a tone of I HATE YOU NANA and this is a real bother to have to sit and talk to you on the phone!! Now I’m paranoid too!!! Or maybe she is fed up with me or was alienated against me by her step-grandmother. Who knows? I JUST KNOW I KNOW NOTHING WHEN IN THIS MODE OF BAD THINKING.
I can’t stop it. It’s like telling a manic person to stop being manic. It’s not the type of mental illness that warrants pills because I know this will pass (hopefully soon because I’m becoming unglued completely). This is one of the longest stints of PTSD I think I have ever had since my son died. In that case I tried to kill myself over 10 times unsuccessfully. Rotten mother. Let’s her kid die!! I raised him to drive dangerously! The doctor told my husband that one day I will succeed. My condition is terminal he said! Like a cancer.
The disconnect is the reality. I raised my son to love me and he had a healthy self-esteem before he died at age 25. The accident was not his fault. I was married for 25 years, mostly happy, and had an excellent career where I often felt so much gratitude for my good fortune. I’ve been told and I see in pictures that I am an attractive woman. I wrote a BOOK something so many people would dream to do but never get that opportunity. I have friends that have stuck around me for years and they do not hurt me they support me. But no amount of “talk therapy” helps me. What I need is to be put away until the PTS leaves.
I hate the hospital. And what will I do with my 2 Maltese dogs? I love them too much to leave them alone (my granddaughter is not alone so won’t miss me). I have no one who can take my dogs for me while I recover in hospital; believe me I’ve tried.
So, none of these thoughts milling about and banging around in my head are true. Yes they are. No they are not. On and on like waterboard torture. I can’t sleep. I can’t shower. I can’t make a meal unless it goes in the microwave. I can’t take care of business. I lay on the sofa and dream of ways I can die as painlessly as possible (Forget the pills, I’ve been to that rodeo before and it has never worked. I looked it up on the internet and it turns out the magnitude of pills you have to ingest has to be enormous if you really want to die. Where am I going to get all of them?)
THINK THINK THINK. I’ve spent hours researching ways to die. Last week it was to lay on the road and wait for a truck to roll over me but I don’t want to damage the driver so forget that.
Stuffing clothes in my exhaust pipes is too risky ”¦ might not work and am not going to fail this time.
When you hate yourself so much (and I do not hate myself all the time, only when I am having a PTSD episode) you feel the world could certainly do without you. In fact, better off without you since you cause so much damn trouble. Really? How? Disconnect disconnect ”¦
If you decide you are better off dead than alive you better get all your ducks in a row because no one will want to bother to put a small funeral together for you you are not worth it so my thoughts lead me.
When you feel worthless, as I have since putting my relationship with the step-grandma on the line, I feel my granddaughter must hate me too. Certainly my ex does because he phoned to tell me how stupid I was and why do I always have to rock the fn boat!!!! She is better off without me, my mind plays over and over. 1. I introduced her to the molester and 2. I pissed off her step-grandma who now alienates her from me. 3. I pissed off my ex whom usually has a good relationship with me, considering we are divorced.
Everyone must be right because it is just me ”¦ just me who thinks a little girl who was molested from the time she was 8 to 11 was molested and filmed by my friend MIGHT NEED A LITTLE BIT OF COUNSELING! What a fkn idiot and worthless piece of shit am I!!!!! I harmed my granddaughter!!! HATE HATE HATE MYSELF. I DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE! And besides, no one will miss me and certainly the funeral arrangements will be a time consuming bother for my ex to prepare (he is the only adult I have I consider “Kin.”).
I’m afraid. I’m afraid I will kill myself and then find out that all of my thoughts are wrong and someone down the road (like my granddaughter) might need me. These are the good thoughts ”¦ the proper thoughts ”¦ but not the thoughts that rage in my mind in PTSD mode. Disconnect.
Then there is my heart. My heart loves all of my sociopaths. I want a relationship with them but they hurt me so I had to stop ”¦ but I miss them terribly. I live alone; on disability ”¦ I can’t survive in my home much longer if I don’t get my career back. No energy. No self worth. WHO THE HELL WOULD HIRE ME? I AM NOTHING!
And so, in my mind, there is NO hope. I keep waiting for the PTSD to leave me but the situation has not changed (no counseling for my granddaughter and not allowed to have her with me for visits). No hope.
I don’t want to scare anyone here but the thing is I really do want to die. As soon as possible. I have to get “my ducks in a row” so as to not inconvenience anyone (I’m saying that seriously, not sarcastically).
I finally figured out a way that will work. I found it by googling. It is perfect, quiet, and won’t harm anyone else in my deed.
But I’m afraid. I’m too informed now that I understand this stress / anxiety / self-loathing will leave me.
People will call me a coward. Cruel to my grandchild. They will hate what I do. But, what is the difference? They think all that now!
I’m taking it day by day right now. Hoping and praying that I’ll regain my sense of balance and healthy thinking soon. The pain rivets through my body right now and is unbearable. Do I? Don’t I? What are my options????
And that, my friends, is the day in the life of a person raised by sociopaths and other sociopaths who seem to stick to me like glue. I have no more trust in new people. None.
Dear Larissa,
Don’t give up. Just for one more hour.
Many people have responded to your feelings of despair and I can relate to your feeling suicidal. It takes such courage to ride out the feelings of pain and fear that have gripped you. You have experienced way too much trauma and it was not your fault. You did not deserve it and you are not flawed.
It is amazing that you soldiered on after the sexual abuse when you were a child. That leaves such a gaping hole in a little girl’s soul. I work with children who have been sexually abused and I see their dear, dazed, confused and overwhelmed little faces. Mostly children check out and their psyche protects them by compartmentalizing the trauma until they can deal with it later. This is not the best thing but in our society there is not the will or the resources to deal with childhood abuse.
You need to focus on stabilizing yourself if you are to be of help to your granddaughter. You can do it. It can’t all be fixed all at once. Just your loving presence is enough. I think having someone to love her is the main thing. To validate and love her for who she is. A steady stream of loving care is irresistible. There may be those around her who are against you but they don’t matter. You know the path she is on. Approach a wounded bird gently and lovingly. Show her you respect her boundaries and teach her about boundaries. About how to be safe in the world and how to say, ” back off buster” to people who intrude on her boundaries. This is how to be safe in the world.
Maybe she won’t be sent to a therapist but their are lots of things therapists do that anyone can do. Teaching a kid about safe touch and respecting if her tummy says she doesn’t like someone. Teaching her that she does not have to hug anyone she is told to hug. There are many children’s books out about this issue.
From my experience I know that little kids can work through trauma more quickly than adults. These are the tools that I use with children.
Someone mentioned EFT. This is very powerful and works. I use rapid Eye movement with children when they are deep in trauma. This can help people when they are in so much pain and stuck in it so they can’t get out. Basically, moving your eyes from left to right quickly at least fourteen times. I know that a lot of therapists would say that it should only be done under the care of a therapist but it works if you do it when you feel suicidal. This is not good for someone with psychosis.
You sound rational to me and I believe that you have a good handle on what is happening but too much is happening all at once.
I am glad you are writing here and it took courage to disclose so much. You are helping me when you tell your story. So much of what you said has happened to me too. Even the part about being the evil grandmother. Grandmother’s fighting for the love of a grandchild was something I was not prepared for. Alienation of affection is what it is called but that does not describe how painful it feels to be the one who is targeted as unacceptable and who loses out on the love of their grandchild. This is not the end of the story though.
You are capable of love and if you can turn that love onto yourself. You need a lot of compassion right now. The tapes are loud and unrelenting but you can interrupt them with a different message. Those tapes come from the offenders. Say something like: I am perfectly adequate and I love myself. It will take saying it ten thousand times to counter the other tapes. You probably already know this. But its a reminder.
Bless you, bless you, bless you dear survivor. Thank you for sharing your feelings, your pain and despair. That is your lifeline. God bless you.
Keep writing. What you say may trigger some and they can choose to not read. Some of us have been through the valley of the shadow of death and can say that you can make it out to safety and honest to god contentment.
Sea storm
Larissa,
I too have been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, Stockholm Syndrome and probably more? I was molested at age 3 and was molested by my father in my younger years as well. (I have never ever expressed it in that term about my father until this very moment..)
I want to promise you, that this too will pass! I have found, when the pain is deepening and doesnt seem to go away, day after day, and it gets to the point that I cant speak any words without constant crying that I believe that I am having a nervous breakdown THAT IN FACT, I’M NOT, I’M HAVING A BREAKTHROUGH!! At a crossroad, a turning point, a place of true decision…Please find the counselor that deals with PTSD and continue being heard as well as your support here on LF.
God Bless You and watch over you…
Alivetoday (and that is a miracle, they do happen!!!:))
Here is my two cents. I’ve been there. I have been to the place where the colors are there but you can’t “see” them. I’ve been to the place where the birds are singing but you can’t “hear” them.
For me it was knowing my aunt, who killed herself, listened to the lie that no one loved her. I knew I loved her, that she had value, so by extention the “voices” where lies. From there, I just kept telling myself over and over and over, “Just breath, breath is on automatic, don’t do anything to stop it, live will go on and it will get better.” This I repeated to myself as the “voices” where screaming, “you’re worthless”.
You indicated you recognize the lies. Remind yourself that they are just that….lies. And just breath, don’t do anything to stop it. I know it way harder then climbing Mount Everest but you can do it or should I say…NOT do it. You can not particapate in the lie. The fact you have so much pain IS the evidence that you are a good person.
All you have to do right now is breath and breath is on automatic.
Larissa,
I won’t go into a huge long story other than I think I have been going thru PTSD for decades and never really knew it, abuse of all kind survivor!! Just know I am here and sending you love and support, Your puppies NEED you, sometimes I felt the same as you but I have 3 lil furbabies that COUNT on me, that has kept me going!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and PLEASE PLEASE know that what others do you have NO CONTROL OVER, only yourself, do what is best and healthiest for you!!! You CAN DO IT!!! HUGS sweet girl!!
Hold on, Larissa. There is a spiritual plan and it’s my belief that you are isolated from the others now so your granddaughter will believe your love for her. She will be comforted by your love. She will need to see without a doubt that you are NOT like the others when she is old enough to recognize that her “caregivers” didn’t really care all that much. This is a time of transition for you and it is process. Your time with your granddaughter will come.
I understand the hopelessness and despair. I agree with
Strongawoman that people who commit suicide don’t want to die, they just can’t bear another day. For quite some time I remember waking each morning with such overwhelming dread that I was facing yet another day. I’m still healing but can confirm that it does get better. I no longer dread each and every day. I’m not fighting suicidal thoughts 24/7. I don’t sleep all day anymore. I am becoming more functional and actually started cooking again! It’s been five years since the first of a string of life altering traumas (caused by the P I was married to for 30 yrs) but I am ok and you will be too. It’s just difficult to see the light when deep in the hell of PTSD but there IS hope.
Remember that your granddaughter will need you in her future. Each new day is another step in the right direction.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
~New
PS. Wanted to add that I am alone too. My human “interactions” at this time are cashier’s at the check-out. I used to be a happy and content person will a full life……..and I am on my way back to that but this time without spaths in my life. It takes time to accept the realities and then time to heal. You will heal too. *hugs*
Larissa’s letter to Lovefraud disappeared from recent comments. I thought I would post a comment to bring it back up. Will you all help me to keep in recent comments, post a comment when it is on the bottom.
I would hate for her to come here and not be able to find her letter or our comments.
My dear new friends.
While it may not appear so at first, this is a letter of divine intervention I experienced after I sent Donna that letter. I am hear to tell it and you will not believe it as you see what I did.
There are so many comments I cannot possibly respond to all of them but I want to tell you the end of that letter’s story.
First, I want you to know I DID tell the hospital every single thing about my suicide plan right down to the knitty gritty. I told them I was going to die that day if I did not get hospitalized until the feelings passed. They sent me home anyway with an appointment to see a doctor in 2 weeks. Not good enough. No, I said I was going to die and that is exactly what I set out to do when I left the hospital.
I’ll tell you what happened to me (or what I did to myself) after I clear up a few things….
The other thing I want to say is I DID report the abuse. That was not the issue. The issue was when I asked her guardians to please get my granddaughter counseling because I went to the sentencing hearing and heard WAY too much about what this monster did to her from the ages of 8 to 11. He is now in jail.
The issue is that when the guardian (step-grandparent) told me to mind my own business about getting my granddaughter counseling I lost it. I telephoned the ministry for children services and asked them to go speak to the step-grandparent and maybe she would listen to them.
Meanwhile, she has been hanging up on me and not allowing me to speak to my granddaughter, whom is the only person in my family left (my son passed away).
By lashing out in an email to the stepgrandparent, and by sending the ministry of children services to their home, I aggravated the situation even more for them.
*****************************
Now, the end of my story of the PTSD episode. First, it is over. And the reason it is over is because I successfully took my car to a hidden place behind a fast moving highway, stuffed a cloth in the exhaust and waited to die. I was unconcious when suddenly a banging was heard on my window by my head.
I freaked out.
Where in the hell did this lady come from – I was in the middle of NO WHERE!
I put the car in drive and as fast as I could sped onto the 80 mile (or 110 km) hwy and put my foot down on the accelerator. As soon as I was up to speed I quickly swerved my car into a very large stony mountain and my car landed in the mountain. I was unconscious but alive – and my car is now a write off.
I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and held in emergency for just 2 days (barely any injuries except some bruising on my arms and legs).
I then went upstairs to the psych ward and stayed there for two days. I was released because the suicide need was gone.
I don’t know why it was gone, but after gassing myself, driving into a freaking mountain, and still coming out of this with barely a scratch…someone, or something, is telling me I am not going to die by suicide. So many times I have tried my hardest to be successful and every time I am not…but just left with the horrors of what I did and having to explain myself with great remorse.
I had my will done. I had my own obituary made out (didn’t think anyone would want to do one). I put money in my account so my ex wouldn’t have to pay for my cremation (I already have a plot with my name on it where my son is buried).
Everything was in order. Had all of my ducks in a row.
Had a sure fire way to die.
And yet here I am.
Here I am!
I am now home. I am already making arrangements for getting access to my granddaughter through the courts, I am already looking at moving where there is more work and where I can get the hell out of dodge, this place I live that has only added to the pain of my childhood.
Can you honestly tell me there is not a God when just a few days ago I was stuck in a mountain with my car! And gassed!
Anyway, I will go back to Elizabeth Fry society (I did call the crisis intervention before I acted as well…but my tapes were so intense no one could have talked me out of this one).
I will follow up now that I am of sound mind…now is the time for me to act on my behalf…in the middle of the PTSD it is like telling a manic person to not be manic. For me i am so stuck in my bad thoughts the only solution was to be locked up. But the hospital dropped the ball and told me to go home.
I wish to thank each and every one of you, and especially Donna for publishing my letter. Your kind words, intelligent and knowing words of wisdom, means everything to me – today.
God bless.
Larissa
Yes, Larissa, I believe with all my heart that there IS A GOD! Hang on to that piece of faith! Don’t let go.
No matter what happens on the outside of you, there is no reason for you to die…there IS A REASON FOR YOU TO LIVE, that little girl needs you. God bless.
LARRISA!! Nice to hear from you. So glad the angels where with you. So sorry the hospital wouldn’t keep you. Keep your “I will” attitude. You can and will do something for your granddaughter IF you stay here(in the world).
Keep coming back to read. You will be amazed at the support you get here.
Remember, breathe is on automatic, don’t do anything to stop it, life will go on and it WILL get better.
Larissa, welcome!
I can’t imagine what it felt like to have the hospital turn you away but if they didn’t, you wouldn’t have this first hand knowledge of the Divine. Your story is amazing and true testimony that you do make a difference and your presence is indeed needed on this earth.
My best to you and your granddaughter as you both continue along your journey.