Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, we’ll call him Allen, tells his story of being the child of an undiagnosed sociopath.
I know the story starts way before my time with my dad, so I can only tell you what I saw growing up and what I now see in hindsight.
I think the biggest thing that I see in him is that he takes no personal responsibility for anything. Somewhere in his late 20’s he “found God” — whatever that really means to him — and it was right around the time that my mom finally left him because of physical abuse that he denies to this day. He says that he never laid a hand on her and then when I remind him that I was there that day and saw everything he still denies it. He claims that pushing her over a couch and through a screen door isn’t laying a hand on her.
That day, the day they split up, I spent the rest of the weekend with my dad, where he kept saying how little my mom must have loved me, since she left you with “such a monster.” At nine, I believed him and spent the next year of my life making my mom’s life a living hell. I would torment her, asking her why she was leaving dad and how she must be evil to not love him. A thin mixture of religion over a solid base of fear led me to believe that my dad was the only one I could trust.
My mom was a teacher at the Christian school that I attended and my mom was condemned for leaving my dad by the church, mostly because my dad was playing the victim and smearing my mom as unforgiving and bitter. He claimed she just left him for no reason. Especially when he was friends with most of the pastors at the church. He would go for “counseling” with them. He would read every religious book he could find. He even ended up in the psych ward over Christmas that year. He really made my mom look evil. I was 30 when I finally saw what he did to her. And I and everyone else bought it up to that point. I eye-witnessed it and I still bought it.
In an effort to “re-unite” our family, my mom was told by the church to either reunite with my dad or find a new job. She found a new job. Ironically, her good friend from her childhood taught with her at that same school. Her husband beat the crap out of her the next year, and she had him arrested and he wasn’t as manipulative as my dad. She still works at that same school. It protected her.
Living with dad
This all happened my third grade year. The following year I continued to live with my mom meanwhile going to my father’s every single weekend, and getting my head filled with everything bad my mom had ever done. Every skeleton. I “tormented” her regularly, but I thought I was doing what God wanted me to do, which was remind my mom what God says she should do — at least according to what my dad told me. I knew that God hated sin, and divorce was a sin, and my mom was divorcing my dad on purpose, therefore I thought I was doing what was right. Finally my mom had enough and she let me go live with my dad my fifth grade year. The divorce was done somewhere between June to August, and by September I was his best man in his next marriage.
I moved in with him in July, and that’s when he started beating the crap out of me when I would do stuff he didn’t like and that continues to this very day. I had to call the police on him this past weekend because he spit on me as I walked to my car, ran up and threw me up against the wall and cocked his fist to punch me when I told him he never took responsibility for anything, especially getting real help for his abuse, which he denied when the police arrived and said I came over to pick a fight with him. My brother even told me I should expect to mauled when I throw stones at a bear.
The marriage with his second wife was a disaster of biblical proportions. I had a stepsister my age and a stepbrother my brother’s age — five years younger than me. I was the only one that kept saying they shouldn’t be married and that he was being a bad father, which brought me more and more abuse. I even protested at his wedding, so he told everyone that I had psychological problems. Turns out I was just exhausted trying to have a conscience for two.
He was a doctor. He would buy cars, tv’s, all kinds of stuff and then lie to his wife about it and make me promise not to tell her about it either. When I would say it was a bad idea, I would be told either I was too young to understand or beat up, so I played along. They split up, of course because of us kids not getting along. He forgets that I spent two years locked in my room avoiding everyone that I could from our family. Not sure the fights I started, but I believed him. We, my stepsiblings and I, had to lie about how my stepmom got a black eye one time. A family football injury. Unbelieveable.
Difficult to love
My dad and I moved into a cottage at a Christian community that was a few miles outside of town. We lived there until I graduated from high school. At the time I really defended my dad, believing that he WAS the victim in all this and that if my mom hadn’t left him, none of this would have happened. This made me hate her more. And he kept beating me up too. Said I was “difficult to love”. Same thing he said this weekend — funny. I would go to school with bruises and a swollen nose, fat lips all the time. That’s when I had to lie to the police and tell them nothing was wrong. My mom even got emergency custody of me and tried to have me put in a school for troubled kids. I saw it as evil since I saw her as evil and not able to be trusted. I lied my way out of that school interview. I made it look like she was crazy and that she just had a problem with my dad and was trying to get back at him. She gave me a choice: the Detention Home or a Runaway Shelter.
I chose the runaway shelter. But when they notified the custodial parent, as my mom only had temporary emergency custody, he came and picked me up at 5 a.m. This really made her look evil and him like the rescuer! “Look! Your mom dumped you off again!” I went into school the next day and had a total and complete breakdown. I told them what happened the night before and coupled with what they knew was going on at home, they excused me from school for the last two weeks. They knew I would never turn on my dad because my only other option was the DH and everyone knew that wasn’t going to help. I even spent a couple of weeks in the psych ward as I was suicidal a few months previous. They even passed me as I was failing about everything in class. It was all because I wasn’t adjusting well to my dad’s new marriage. That may be, but I think that I never should have been there. I should have been protected by my parent, not stepped on to get what he wanted. But maybe that’s just me.
High school
High school went by because I found really good friends. My dad was trying to get back with my stepmom from eighth grade to twelfth grade so I was home a lot on the weekends by myself. Yeah. We partied. They still talk about how many parties I threw in high school. I would make remarks about my dad’s choices and how little I thought of him and his marriage, his wife, whatever. They were “disrespectful” and were always met with a fist fight. I got in a couple of good licks and they got further apart.
After every single fight, he would tell me that God still loved him and that I should forgive him. Truth is, I didn’t have any other place to live, so I tolerated him and his abuse. And sometimes his irresponsibility made him really fun. New cars and things like that made my place fun to live at. He even bough me a car at 15 and let me drive it around without a license just so he didn’t have to be bothered with having to take me places. That made me about the coolest person there was to my friends! I was pretty responsible and didn’t get into any trouble worth mentioning. I was actually one of only two people in my “circle of friends” to make it through school without any police incursions.
I went into the Navy when I graduated as I had a less than 2.0 GPA. It was very good for me. I was in two years and hurt my leg and was discharged. I got married to a woman EXACTLY like my dad. More on that in a bit. During that time my dad and his second wife got back together for about a year. And I was split up with my wife and moved back in for a short time with them. I got back with my wife and they split up a year later because my dad was cheating on her with someone that was going to become his next wife. But don’t say goodbye to wife #2 quite yet. She makes an encore later. I blamed my stepmom for taking all my dad’s stuff because she was “just a gold-digger!” I completely missed the point that he was getting this as consequences to his actions! But hearing him, it was all her fault again. She drove him to cheat. At this point I’m 23 or 24.
My wife was the same
My eyes were finally opened with my wife. Nothing was ever her fault. Perpetual victim. That’s when I discovered patterns! I started seeing things she did to my daughter that my dad did to me. Manipulation of the truth, telling parts of the story, lying, cheating and stealing. But it was never her fault either. She and I would get into a fight and she would wake up our daughter in the middle of the night and take her to her mom’s and say things like “Your dad is throwing us out.” Little stuff like that, when nothing was further from the truth. And her mom hated me! Rightfully so: throwing her and her grand daughter out like that. The only problem is, she never even asked my side. That’s when it hit me that I was her mom when it came to my dad.
Read more: For children of sociopaths
She was always defending her daughter, like I did to my dad. She was always the victim, just like my dad. It was never her fault I was mad (even though she was charging $10k on credit cards in three months). I was the one that was being unreasonable! It finally hit me after 12 years of marriage and a tumor that these two people were identical: Sociopaths!
Beat us with the Bible
At 27 or 28 I finally saw what was going on. My dad was on wife #3, a total and complete psycho. And he was making it worse because he intimidated her too. And bought $120k RV’s, $5k banjos — you name it. Never EVER telling her first. “Screw her, it’s my money!” I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that saying. My mom, my step-mom(s), even me when I confronted him. He would snap and start attacking us as though we had the problem. First he would puff up and yell. If that didn’t scare us away, he would beat us with the Bible: saying that we shouldn’t judge and how we just didn’t understand “Grace” the way he did and that if God forgives him so should we. If we still didn’t run away he would start dismantling our character with every kind of attack known to man: our character, our lives, my kids, my wife, my relationships, my religion, my work, my work ethic, my friends, my salvation — everything. All peppered with vulgarities and personal attacks. I always blew it off because some of what he said WAS true and I bought into the speck in his eye and the plank in mine, like he was always reminding us of.
Sexual harassment
He really talked the talk, but never walked the walk. And that is what ALWAYS, ALWAYS bothered me. Even in childhood. Always do what the Bible says, unless you are me. It wasn’t until he was sued for sexual harassment that I knew he had a real problem. Having been in the Navy, I was trained almost monthly on sexual harassment. You say “Red Light” to anyone that was in the service in my time and they will laugh. They know exactly what that means. So I told my dad that what he was doing with one of the girls in his staff was beyond a shadow of a doubt sexual harassment. Five times I warned him and said, “Look! You have got to stop! You are going to get sued!” To which he replied “Mind your own business. I’m 58 years old and I’m not going to let you know-it-all tell me how to run my life. Beside, what the hell do you know? I’m a doctor! What the hell are you?”
Let’s just say I didn’t know everything else he was doing to her until the lawsuit was filed. I was shocked this married “Christian” man was telling me he was doing nothing wrong and yet he was still getting sued, even after I warned him about it! He told me “I wasn’t going to tell you but ____ is suing me. That bitch! What the heck is and everyone else gonna think? Their gonna think I did it!” I said, “You did!” He told me not to come around him anymore if I was going to be talking like that. So I shut up for a while.
Wife #3 went crazier. Now I realize that being with a person that thinks and acts like he does will drive a normal person crazy! I thought it was her until a I saw what living with my ex-wife did to me! Months of cover-ups and bashing the character of the sue-er, he narrowly convinced her not to divorce him then, claiming he, again, was the victim
Anger management
Then he punched wife #3 about a year ago and she had his butt arrested. He pleaded “no contest” and had to go to anger management counseling. The next week, after he had to move out, he bought a BMW 740IL and told me, “Now everyone is going to know that no lying b*tch is going to keep me down. I’m still on top.” He swears to this day “he never laid a hand on her.” I asked him if it was the same hand he didn’t lay on mom to which he points out how bitter and unforgiving I am and that he is praying for me to “get better.” She filed for divorce a few weeks later but he didn’t care. Wife #2, who is inarguably more attractive than wife #3, wanted him back. She couldn’t believe all that he had endured and come through. Truth is she just wants security and to not be alone I think.
When I tried to have him arrested this weekend it was me that had the problem again. He lied to police and said he didn’t lay a hand on me and that I, in fact was the one that picked a fight with him. He lied to family, the few that believe him, that I did come over “looking for trouble.” I have for the last year tried to stay away from him but keep getting my conscience turned against me by him because a child should forgive his parent. I shouldn’t be bitter. But he lures you in with a believable “I really am sorry” and a plausible story that it really IS your problem. And he is quick to point that out to everyone I or any of his victims know that he runs into.
And trying to get him help is impossible: He would argue theology with Jesus, and could intimidate Ah-nold. He has walked out of more counselors because they were trying put him “under the law.” Religion is a wall he uses to trap his victims within reach. Anytime they start to get away he reminds them of their obligation to forgive and they come back. It’s like a religious tether. It’s the same tactic my ex-wife (also claimed to be “Christian/religious”) used: bragging she knew she could do anything she wanted because she knew that I would never divorce her because my religious beliefs were too strong. I’m pretty sure that’s not what God teachs.
How should I deal?
There is my story — I’m the child of an undiagnosed sociopath. Use it for whatever you want. Even to convict me if I really do have a problem like he and my ex says. They say I make everyone miserable. My girlfriend tells me it’s them (but she’s a LITTLE partial!) and that if they walked what they talked, it would not be an issue. I just make them feel accountable because I question their actions to their faces, while everyone else talks behind their back. This is uncomfortable for them, thus bringing on their own misery because someone see through their facade, so their slander and character assassination starts on me and their true colors come out.
I would love to know, however, how I should deal with him? Should I stay away? Or should I forgive and always keep him at arms length? What about my daughter and him? He tells her all kinds of things too about me that aren’t anywhere near true. And she is starting to behave just like her mom and grandpa.
Learn more: How abusive parents affect you and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this article on February 6, 2009.
Understanding trauma, the brain on PTSD, and real options for recovery
“Should I stay away? Or should I forgive and always keep him at arms length? What about my daughter and him? He tells her all kinds of things too about me that aren’t anywhere near true. And she is starting to behave just like her mom and grandpa.”
I suggest you stay away and forgive him, always keeping him at arms length! If you start with staying away, you’ll eventually get to forgiving him for your own sake and keeping him at arm’s length for your well being and your daughter’s.
It feels a bit odd the first time you find yourself meeting at a local Chinese buffet for Christmas dinner, instead of trying to reenact a Norman Rockwell print. When you get there you see other happy (if slightly warped) people contentedly doing the same thing. (Family, can’t live with ’em; can’t be born without ’em.) It works out. Over time you start to enjoy a better life.
Associate with those members of your family who know how to build healthy relationships. Do it one on one and in small groups. Keep it extremely light when it comes to the topic of “daddy dearest” and any other nut-bar in the family.
When you’re ready, see Dad at special occasions, but not alone. At least, not at first. Your dad will probably like the new “keep it light” rules, so he’ll play along most of the time.
If you detect any gaslighting or other misbehavior, quietly walk away. Never be afraid to break contact!
My grandmother used to be a tad difficult, though I remember her with deep fondness. The first time we visited her as a married couple, my husband packed us up and dragged me away two days earlier than planned. I don’t recall her infraction, but the entire family was put on notice. Elizabeth’s new husband “doesn’t play”! That was over 25 years ago.
I’ve performed the same service for him over the years of our marriage. Sometimes it has been his family that has acted out, and I’ve been the referee, buffer or whatever was required.
With or without such a life partner, the point is to set boundaries and keep them. Once you are confident in your ability to set boundaries and enforce them, your fear with fade.
Here’s where I get to quote Yoda. I Love the little green freak!
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Profound. Really and truly! Think about it.
Once you are confident your boundaries cannot be over-run, you will be able to let go of anger and hate. This doesn’t mean dear old Dad gets to act out again and again. It just means you aren’t feeling the pain anymore. That’s the kind of forgiveness you need to seek.
Cluster Bs think being forgiven means being given a free pass to repeat their offenses into perpetuity with no consequences.
Not!!
Be blessed brother. This can be overcome! (With or without my advice. There are some sharp folks here. You’ll have lots of advice to pick and choose from!)
“What about my daughter and him? He tells her all kinds of things too about me that aren’t anywhere near true. And she is starting to behave just like her mom and grandpa.”
How old is your daughter?
Elizabeth Conley: I know from reading your past bloggs you were trying to find a Church that you and your daughter would be comfortable with. We all know how difficult this task is. In the mean time, providing your daughter with her own Bible and reading it 20 minutes a day … together will help shine the light on all human behavior … good and bad, past and present. She then will have a firm foundation of what to expect in life with others. She will see from reading and understanding the written word of God … that something is or isn’t quit right with whoever happens to be in her life at any given time.
God never fails us … only humans can or will.
Peace to both your hearts and souls as you heal.
Allen,
I’m with Elizabeth on this. I’d add one more thing. You sound pretty realistic about what you’ve had to deal with, and how you coped with it. But you’ve been through hell, and it must have had an effect on you.
Distancing yourself from him is a good idea. But investing in some self-work with a therapist is another one. It could help you develop those boundaries Elizabeth is talking about. It could help you maintain long-term relationships that work better. (You didn’t grow up with models of good relationships.) And it could give you more perspective and skills at parenting your at-risk daughter.
A lot of us have come out of families with a seriously disordered parent. Just dealing with them can compromise us in some ways. You deserve to recover your full potential. Working with a therapist who specializes in working with “adult children” with backgrounds of abuse could be one of the best things you ever did for yourself.
And keep your daughter away from him. You know how much his lies influenced your judgment as a child. You don’t need to repeat that.
Good luck with all of it, including the new girlfriend. She sounds like a smart person. I hope it works out well.
Kathy
Dear Allen,
Many of us here have grown up in dysfunctional families with psychopathic parents (one or both) and as a child, you MUST accept their crap and lies in order to survive, but it seems to me that even then you didn’t FULLY accept it.
Your dad is a CLASSIC psychopath (sociopath).
I sincerely suggest that you go COLD TURKEY NO CONTACT with him and anyone else in your family that is dysfunctional.
I suggest that you keep your daughter AWAY FROM HIM as much as is legally possible. She will NOT profit in any way from being around him. Your X-wife may or may not be a psychopath but she is TOXIC whatever the label is.
I suggest also that you go to Dr. Leedom’s web site about raising the “at risk child” and gain as much knowledge as you can there about your daughter’s needs.
I also suggest that you stay here and READ EVERY ARTICLE in the archives from A-Z and learn all you can about how these people operate, think, and behave.
I also suggest that you get a copy of the book “The Betrayal Bond” (it is reviewed here) because to me it seems that your “bond” to your father is “classic” trauma bond to your abuser.
I also suggest that whatever you need to do to restore a relationship with your mother that you do so. Even at this late date, having a loving and trusting relationship with her will fill her heart with joy.
My son C who was alienated from me by his Psychopathic brother (my younger son) and his own P-X-wife, and I have retored our relationship and him putting his arms around me and telling me, “Mom, I am so sorry I believed them and treated you so badly” warmed my heart through and through and our relationship now is (after nearly a decade “apart”) is as GOOD AS A RELATIONSHIP GETS. He is also healing and growing and learning from the past dysfunction.
Our family also “puts the FUN back into dysFUNction” and I am healing from it as well, learning about what I DID to ALLOW this, the lies that I swallowed whole, and the playing of the “let’s pretend none of what you saw is true” It has been a struggle and painful at times as I have had to FORGIVE MYSELF for being a jack ass and for going along with their “Bible Sanctioned” abuse….but you know what, I realize that they are NOT “Christians” any more than the Pharisees of Jesus’ time were “good Jews”—these people only use RELIGION as a FAKE COVER for their EVIL SATANIC behavior.
I am glad that you came here to LoveFRaud, this is a healing place with good people who DO UNDERSTAND what you have been dealing with, both with your father and with your X wife and with your child. My prayers are for your healing. Just because these people TWISTED the Bible for their own EVIL pruposes doesn’t mean God isn’t there or that He doesn’t love us, because my faith now is stronger than ever. (((hugs))))
Allen,
Thank you for submitting this post. I’m positive that some or even all parts of it were difficult and painful for you to express.
Having myself been born from the loins of a Psychopathic “father” I can relate to the sick and twisted behavior of your father.
Luckily, my Mom finally left his ass for good when I was 10 years old. He tried, unsuccessfully, to stalk and bully her into taking him back. That’s about the time she purchased herself a 32 pistol and quietly, yet firmly told him she was not the least bit afraid to use it. On him.
She was going to do everything in her power to protect herself and her children from his evil predatory actions. She had had more than enough of his bullshit. She was totally done with him and he should just fade away like the useless dust he was.
He was essentially a coward, terrorizing young children & women but smoothly charming men who could beat him to a pulp. My Mom scared him with her quiet, determined fury and he left us alone.
Look, Allen, you need to realize that you were never to blame for the sociopathic actions of your father and your ex-wife. THEY are the disordered ones, not you. THEY are totally to blame for all the harm, damage and suffering they inflicted upon you and others.
Will they ever accept the consequences of their word and actions? Never.
We here at Lovefraud can attest to many of them who are justly imprisoned for their crimes yet they STILL deny any wrong doing. THEY are the poor, little victims and are as innocent as doves. Whatever!
While reading your post, I felt extreme disgust and anger directed at your S father. He is an evil dude and the sooner you confront that life saving reality, the more capable you will be to begin healing and recovering from the years long trauma.
I’ve ascertained from your writing that you’re a good, decent, loving man. Otherwise you wouldn’t be seeking answers, knowledge from your horrible experiences.
Your S father doesn’t value you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t give a flying fig for anyone on this planet except maybe himself.
Your S father was never what I would consider to be Christian. Like so many sociopaths before him, they pervert, twist, distort Holy Scripture to suit their own personal selfish agendas.
I will state emphatically that you ARE valuable, you ARE important, you DO matter in the grand theme/battle of good vs evil.
Please read all the wonderful, life preserving articles provided by Donna, Dr. Leedom, the 2 Steves and LF member contributors.
You have come to the best place on the web striving to seek the fundamental truth as regarding the “evil ones who walk amongst us”.
Bless you…..
Peace, Joy and Love to all LF tribe members
Oh, I do agree with OxDrover, Allen, try and get out for a while, gain some perspective.
You must love him alot to keep put up with his manipulations and abuse, I think, however, you should look to getting serious boundaries into effect. Your father’s treatment of you is wrong, very very wrong.
Perhaps some personal empowerment/development classes would be really helpful to you because after enduring this relentless abuse from your father and also your ex, your self esteem must have taken a battering and you need a strong base to overcome this history. You need find a strong, positive, helpful mentor.
How is the relationship with your mother now that you realize that you were manipulated into mistrusting her by your father?
If you were to stand back from your experiences and view them from a more detached perspective, what would you say was the big lesson was?
Was it about trust, betrayal, dependancy, intrigue, was it the importance of truth, was it about the importance of boundaries, was it about claiming yourself, was it about vulnerability, perception of strength and weakness, importance of help. Whatever the thing is, it will keep surfacing as a pattern and that is likely to be the issue that was important for you (on a soul level) to grasp.
I thought the experience of that fellow (can’t remember his name), was so inspiring. He came from a terrible home environment filled with violent dynamics and loads of manipulation and he has turned those experiences into a huge positive in that he has a successful business protecting people from psychopathic predators.
Your father is obviously a successful man and you mentioned that his second wife is prepared to take him back, probably because he is a good provider. Is money/security a big manipulative tool for him?
The most difficult thing about your experience, from what I can see, is that you had no champions in your corner. No help, no examples of how things should be, no chum to help you carry the burden of this crazyness.
Good luck and I hope your angels send a powerful helper in your direction.
Just to add some points, the main abuser in my life was my mother and I often try and isolate the major issue/s I’ve learned.
My biggie is holding firm to what I experienced. Its not the same as holding a grudge – its more ‘I know what I experienced, and I will tell it as I experienced it. I won’t go along with someone else’s version of what happened just because they try and frighten me into doing so.
This is oddly relevant to the broader world in which we live. Often we are coerced into saying something which we know is wrong or inaccurate, just to keep someone from bullying us.
I also learned how really really difficult to do this when we are in the spot, directly in the situation. Can I hold firm when the storm rages?
Jane Smith’s story is also inspiring, her mother was strong and faced this coward down, and cowards they are lol, he must have either misread her as a potential long-term victim.
Importantly there are many ways of facing down cowards – lol, so don’t go reaching for drastic solutions! that would be majorly counter productive.
Wini,
Thanks,
but we’re pretty happy where we are. We’ve been here for 2 months, and so far it’s fine. If it works for a year, we’ll stay. It’s not just my daughter and I, it’s my son as well. He’s got a minor hearing impairment, and needs to be around people who don’t hold that against him. So far, so good.
We’re garden variety Methodists. We don’t need or want anything exotic. If the congregation will behave reasonably well most of the time, we’ll be satisfied.
We consider our long term friends and Christian family members our real source of Christian fellowship. We study the Word at home, both independently and together. Going to a building on Sunday is just about worship and Sunday school.
Elizabeth Conley: It wasn’t the congregation I was getting at … it was the fact of reading the Bible. The healthy parent can try their best to explain the unhealthy parent’s behavior and it’s always such a slippery slope. I found it’s easier for children to read what the human condition is about from the wisdom obtained from Bible. Therefore, the healthy parent doesn’t have to become the “bad guy” because of their concern for their children.
I hope when your children are old enough, you allow them to log onto this site … to learn the rest of the information.
For now, good luck … and I send all of you peace.
My situation was horrific … but it was only between my EX and I … no children of our own … just his children from a previous marriage…. and that is another sad tale to this saga.