Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who writes as “Aussiegirl” will be in court on December 6, 2010, seeking an extension of the Violence Restraining Order that she has against her ex-husband. She was already in court On October 18, 2010, because her ex had violated the existing order. The magistrate didn’t take Aussiegirl seriously, and she’s lodged the following complaint against him. Aussiegirl asks for your moral support during her next court date.
I write in relation to the conduct of a Magistrate who tried my ex-husband for a breach to a Violence Restraining Order (VRO) at the **** Courthouse on Monday 18th October this year. My complaint is not about the judicial decision reached ”¦.The concerns I have are in relation to the general conduct of the trial by Magistrate *****, his rude treatment of me (as a police witness and as a repeat victim of the accused) ”¦. the fact that Magistrate ***** all but apologised to the accused for having to convict him “on a point of law” – and the dismissive and demeaning way that he spoke publicly about my Victim Impact Statement (VIS).
My name is *** and I am 44 years old. I lived with the accused (B*********), between 2000 — 2007. The marriage ended in 2007 and I divorced him in 2009.
At different times throughout the relationship, I held fears for the mental state of the accused. I initially put his aggressive outbursts and disturbing behaviours down to depression, but by the time we parted company, both his doctors and I were of the opinion that something far more serious was amiss. He had become increasingly more violent and was continually clashing with members of ”¦. the public. In 2006, five applications to take out restraining orders against him were made by community members of the small town we lived in. He had been referred ”¦. to a psychologist for counselling and assessment after his behaviour became more erratic than usual and after several alarming public episodes of mania. That treatment had failed (he refused to participate in any meaningful way) and in ”¦early 2007, various diagnoses — including Bipolar Disorder and several Personality Disorders — were being investigated.
In August 2007, four police officers forcibly removed the accused from the family home when he became uncontrollably enraged”¦..stating that he was going to “go through the house and smash everything”. He left the house screaming abuse and swearing in front of his then thirteen-year-old son. The police issued a Police Order which he began to breach almost immediately by sending a stream of offensive text messages to me that continued throughout that evening and until after 2:00am the following day. He had previously been issued with another Police Order several months prior to this, when the police had needed to be called after he had become violent toward me and had made threats to my safety. ”¦..It was necessary at that time for me to take out a VRO against the accused. Within one week of its issue, he had twice breached the order by coming back to the house.
By September 2007, the accused was exhibiting increasing paranoia, stating that his telephone was “tapped” and that people were following him. He was referred ”¦to a psychiatrist ”¦. Around that time, he made accusations against several police officers, stating that they were “colluding” with me ”¦.“setting him up”. His complaints to officials were found to have no substance. He continued to insist that the police were “watching him” and that they had “tapped his telephones”.
Many of these facts were given in evidence at a September 2008 hearing into breaches of the VRO by the accused…..(he) openly admitted ”¦. to having sent all of the text messages referred to in my evidence, including those where he had clearly been delusional while writing/sending them.”¦ found guilty of ”¦.. emotionally abusive, offensive and threatening text messages ”¦.
The VRO has been in force ever since being taken out in August 2007.
During 2008, 2009 and 2010, there have again been instances where the accused has breached the VRO. The police have not laid charges over any of these, as I have been unable to provide them with sufficient evidence ”¦.unless they are reasonably sure they will get a conviction, they will not even charge him. ”¦I have seen him in his vehicle in my street, outside of my house, outside of where I work and where I have been shopping. As he lives almost forty kilometres away ”¦. my hometown ”¦. is out of his way — he has to have come here on purpose”¦.. he lies, saying that he wasn’t here. He has come to my home. ”¦”¦ repeatedly attempted to contact me through mutual acquaintances….. infiltrated my church group, announced his intentions to attend ”¦.at the same facility I was attending”¦.refused to move on when requested to do so by church elders ”¦..As a result of this, I was forced to discontinue attending my church services two years ago and have not been able to return ”¦ I consequently lost an entire ”¦. support network at a very distressing period in my life.
Although once we had separated, our agreement (was) that I would stay living in our house, I was unable to do so because he kept coming to the house and letting himself in”¦ (even after) the VRO was taken out”¦.he would ”¦.. park his car ”¦. opposite the house and send me text messages from there. In the end, I fled the house and started a new life for myself in a different town ”¦.somewhere that he had no business being. But still he came.
The breach of December 2009 which was being tried on 18 October, was the first solid evidence that the police were able to charge him with — after two years of elusive behaviour on his part that could not be pinned down. He came to my home while I was at work and loaded my verandah up ”¦.. I arrived home at 10.30pm ”¦. could not access my front door ”¦. I was terrified when I realised that the stuff was from him”¦ worried that he was hiding somewhere, to watch my reaction — or worse. ”¦None of the things he dumped at my house belonged to me; most of it had never been mine, nor had I ever expressed any desire to acquire or retain it ”¦.. I had not initiated any contact with him for two years”¦.. Some of the items were just plain abnormal and disturbing.
He had dug up the plants that were growing over the graves of my deceased pets at the ****** house….I paid for and planted every single plant in (that) garden”¦yet he chose to dig up just those ”¦. significant – plants. He had pulled out the picture hooks from the walls ”¦. where my pictures had used to hang and placed them in a plastic bag — used, damaged beyond re-use and with the plaster from the walls of that house still stuck to them. He dumped a rocking chair and a cabinet ”¦ (both had been ”¦. gifts to him) — yet he kept the refrigerator and the clothes dryer that I had owned before he ever moved in with me. He left me a tie of his which he had worn on our first date ”¦.. he had owned it before we met”¦.. He removed the ice-cube trays that I had once owned from the refrigerator and dumped them, yet kept the refrigerator which had also been my property…. I was not allowed by Magistrate ***** to give all of my evidence, but was cut off by him after having identified from photographs handed to me by the police prosecutor only three items out of a possible twenty-six items (or groups of items). Had I been permitted to speak about all of the items”¦.explain their significance ”¦ it would have been clear ”¦ that the accused was not simply “returning things”, as he claimed in his defence.
”¦. (He) was in no doubt that ”¦. I did not ever want to see or hear from him for the rest of my life”¦.he could hardly have reasoned away the items he left for me. He did not “return all of the gifts I had ever given him”, but picked and chose which ones. He did not “return all of the furniture that we had jointly owned”, but again, picked and chose. He did not “return items I had owned before he met me”, but picked and chose. ”¦.Had Magistrate ***** been ”¦. prepared to listen to my side as he was to listen to the accused’s excuses and “reasons”, he could not have helped but see that there was a malicious motivation behind the dumping of the items on my front porch”¦.
As for my VIS, I had not prior to arriving at the court that morning, been aware that I was able to give one. I had been concerned that if a Magistrate presided that day who had no knowledge of the history behind the case, then the complaint could be made to appear”¦.in the capably manipulative hands of the accused”¦. somewhat trivial in nature. The police had told me ”¦. the only way that any relevant history could come out was if the Magistrate allowed it while I was giving my evidence. When I arrived at the court, I was met by ”¦ an Advocate”¦ and a Counsellor from the Victim Support Service. I was not expecting to be assisted by anyone, so I felt reassured by their presence.
I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ”¦.the thought of seeing or hearing the accused makes me physically ill; I shake and sweat; at times I vomit and/or pass out; and I hyperventilate. It takes every bit of strength I have to face him in court, but I know that I can’t allow him to keep breaching the VRO ”¦. otherwise his harassment of me will never stop and he will never leave me alone. My only hope is that the justice system will eventually catch up with him and punish him sufficiently to convince him to stop.
When the ”¦. Counsellor asked about my Victim Impact Statement (VIS), I told her I did not have one ”¦. She said that she would type one up for me right away. She asked a series of questions which I answered and she then recorded as my VIS. A copy was given to the Magistrate. Although recounting the effect that the past three year’s of being harassed and stalked by the accused has had on my life was deeply distressing to me, I was also relieved that at least the Magistrate would now get to see that the case was not as obvious, trivial or straight-forward as I knew the accused would attempt to portray it. I went into court ”¦. relieved that the accused might not get away with his game-playing.
”¦. I was surprised that the accused was permitted to question me at all, given the guidelines contained in the ”¦. Judicial Officers’ Bench book “Equality before the law” and the provisions of The Evidence Act ”¦ In the past, I have been allowed to give evidence via a video-link from another courthouse”¦.. I would have expected some consideration to have been given to my state on the day of the trial. It was my own decision to attend in person rather than request another video-link”¦. I believed that I needed to face the accused in order to fully recover from my entrenched fear of him, but the manner in which Magistrate ***** entertained the accused, by allowing him to grandstand, interrupt and assassinate my character proved too much ”¦.
The first blow was not being permitted to complete my evidence”¦..
Magistrate *****’s tolerance of the accused’s inappropriate behaviour and the fact that he appeared in many instances to be agreeing with ”¦.and adding more and more weight to his evidence as the hearing went on, became too much for me and I began to weep in the back of the courtroom. When Magistrate ***** announced that he had no choice but to convict the accused on a point of law, he couched his statements in terms that bordered on apologising to the accused. The final straw was when Magistrate ***** began to read my VIS, which I had been encouraged by the (court) Counsellor to supply to him. As he began to read it (his) facial expression noticeably altered to convey surprise and disbelief. He raised his eyebrows and shook his head, ”¦. then proceeded to comment publicly on the apparently extraordinary nature of my statement, stating that it was the “kind of statement (he) would expect to read from someone who has had a very serious crime committed against them, not someone who has only had a pile of furniture delivered to her home”¦” that he was not going to read or consider my VIS, because it bore no relevance to the matter at hand. ”¦ the accused was permitted ”¦. to state publicly, triumphantly and very loudly to the courtroom, “That’s what I keep saying — she’s a drama queen!” ”¦. I was publicly humiliated, and felt that I had been offered no protection at all by the law, despite the fact that the accused was found guilty. The Magistrate was incredibly rude and insensitive to my situation, dismissive of my fear of the accused ”¦. I felt violated all over again”¦.His demeanour from beginning to end gave the impression that he was cheering on the accused”¦. against the “bad police” and the “bad ex-wife”.
In conclusion, I want you to know that I came home from court that day in a state of shock and have suffered periodically from panic attacks ever since.
These panic attacks were a symptom of my PTSD that I had thought I had overcome”¦. prior to (that) court hearing. I have not experienced anything like it in the recent, numerous dealings between the accused and I ”¦.in the Family Court”¦. I hold concerns that if a severely depressed person”¦..or someone fearful for their safety who did not have the abundance of support that I had on that day, were to encounter the level of rudeness, partiality and insensitivity that I did from Magistrate *****, there could well be tragic consequences ”¦.
The accused is a man who allegedly broke the jaw of the wife previous to me, by punching her in the face during one of many domestic abuses that to this day she is afraid to go to police about”¦. who ”¦.in 2004, slammed his car door on me and dragged me bodily along the ground behind his vehicle ”¦ as he drove off ”¦.. It took me until 2007 to have the courage to call on the police for help”¦.He is a man who has threatened ”¦. the lives of both his previous ex-wife and me. That he has never been convicted for any of those crimes remains our own responsibility; and we deeply regret being held back by fear ”¦. and not reporting him to police when we should have done. That I have just succeeded in having him convicted for something that appears — on the surface — to be relatively innocuous — is a cause for hope for us both”¦.We both firmly believe that he would kill us if he had the chance”¦.He continues to harass us both; she hasn’t been married to him for the past ten years, but ”¦. he still pays out on her. I haven’t been with him for three years”¦. no reason to ever have contact ”¦.but ”¦. he is still paying out on me.
The reaction of the police when we all walked out of the court room that day? ”¦.. “We have to see this as a win L****. We are one step closer to having him dealt with properly.” I replied, “And when will that be? When you find my body, or when you are sifting through what’s left of my house after he burns it down?” These are my genuine fears.
Although the trial resulted in a conviction, we are due back in the same court on 6 December, where my application to extend the VRO will be heard. ”¦.My greatest fear now is that Magistrate ***** will ”¦. preside over the VRO application hearing, in which case I do not believe that I will be granted either the VRO ”¦.or the justice I deserve as a victim of ”¦. long-term and ongoing abuses. I am appealing to your office in the hope that I will receive a fair hearing — something I do not believe that I had on 18 October.
I am writing this primarily because of my own outrage, but also in the hope that my complaint might prevent some other innocent person from having to suffer the same treatment by this Magistrate”¦..I have the utmost regard for the law and for the struggles faced by our judicial system and its officers. I appreciate that the Police, as well Magistrates and Courts are more often than not, overloaded and under-resourced. I would not under any circumstances bring a petty matter to the attention of either the Police or the Courts. I have worked hard in honest occupations and have been a law-abiding citizen my whole life; all I ask in return is for proper treatment, due justice and appropriate protection when I require it.
Dear Bluejay,
I’ve been around the world in Africa and south and central America and known people from many cultures and all walks of life, and there are some IGNORANT people out there in the world that still live in the stone age of cruelty. They are raised to think that is RIGHT and JUST and that some segments of humans don’t have “rights”—is that organized psychopathy? Some people that believe if you don’t share my religious beliefs then you deserve to die—9/11 ramming airplanes into the twin towers. Setting off a bomb on your body and blowing up yourself and others at random?
Our society says this is bad behavior, criminal behavior even, but their society says this is good behavior and will buy them a seat in “heaven.” So who is “right” and who is “wrong?”
What is good? What is bad? It partly depends on what you have been taught since you were born. It probably offends that cruel (in my opinion) man that his DIL survived, and punishing him isn’t going to make him change his mind about what is the “right” thing to do or the “wrong” thing to do. It will however get him off the street. Getting people to change their minds however, can’t be done by force. It takes teaching from childhood.
Ox Drover,
What is disturbing that in any culture (there are ignorant people everywhere), there will be people (monsters and non-monsters) who will commit the most horrible crimes (having different reasons for doing the unthinkable) against their fellow man and seemingly get away with their wickedness. That p.o.’s me. I am aware that we live what we are taught – thankfully, we live in a world that is waking up to universal human rights – it’s a matter of changing the cultures (for the better) from within. That may take forever though. As people are educated, the smart ones evolve (the stupid ones stay the same), becoming less ignorant, seeing the “light”.
Aussie,
I’m surprised that you were ever able to get police to believe you at all. Many spaths get the local cops on their side before they ever even begin a con. Perhaps he thought you’d never have the balls to call the cops at all so he skipped that step.
Once he realized that you had the cops on your side, he decided to go to a higher authority. You said he wrote to various officials. That tells me that he is going back to step 1 in Psychopath 101: FIRST BROWN NOSE THE AUTHORITIES.
So I suspect that he has found some magistrates or judges to brown nose. It may be too late for you to jump on that bandwagon, but maybe not. It’s a disgusting thing to do, but you need friends in higher places. Start networking. That’s what my exP does. NON-STOP. He’s on his cell phone 24/7.
Have lunch with cops and people who know people up the ladder. If you can find someone who sits on a bench to become your friend and eventually be outraged by your story, you might be able to even the playing field.
Concurrently, collect evidence but don’t use it until you have lots of it and have set up all your ducks in a row.
I drank lots of coffee today and am remembering all the strategies that the exP used.
Every generation starts at “ground zero” in education and morals and has to be reeducated from scratch. It only takes one generation to undo 10,000 years of progress, to send the human race back to the “caveman mentality” of the strongest rules. Democracy (and cultures) must be born anew each generation through education…and add in the disordered ones, the mean-as-a-snake ones, and there are always criminals in the best of cultures or societies. Law breakers. Fakers. Con men. Abusers. Criminals. Psychopaths. Robbers. Sneak thieves.
In a way I almost feel like those of us who have been blessed to be born into a culture and a society where slavery and rape are crimes, where sales of children for sexual abuse is not considered “business as usual” are some how guilty for having so many blessings compared to most of the world.
I’ve seen babies being carried wrapped in a piece of cloth in their parents’ arms to the city’s communal graves because they died of malnutrition in South America, and I’ve got a “photo” engraved on my brain of a small girl in Arkansas without a coat or shoes in winter. That “picture” was made when I was a child myself about 1950 on a street in my home town as I sat inside a warm car, looking out.
We can’t fix the world or the psychopaths or anything else except we can make our own little corner of this universe more caring, we can reach out to others a hand in compassion for their pain. Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” is to me one of the 2-3 most profound books in the world. Filled with both spiritual and emotional salve for the soul and minds of people who have suffered. Suffering is universal and total. Our pain is the same as someone else’s pain, it is TOTAL. It fills us like a gas expands to fill a container, totally.
We can only live our lives in a loving and compassionate way. We can take care of ourselves and then share our blessings and our caring with others.
At this time of a holiday spirit and feeling in our western society, I ask each of us to reach out to someone else who is suffering, in whatever way we are able. Whether it is a $1 dropped into a red kettle on a corner, or simply a smile and a kind word given to a young mother struggling to get her kid to quit throwing a tantrum in Wal Mart—I see the wonderful spirit of that giving here on Love Fraud with people reaching out hands of love and caring and compassion to each other. It makes the world a better place. (((hugs)))) Peace and Joy!
DearAussiegirl,
I want to start off by saying that I am SO SORRY for your experience. The things that you have been through are horrible. I know what it feels like to put all your trust in the legal system only to be disappointed and frustrated by it time and time again. I too have a sociopathic ex (never married, but we share a young child together) and know all the hell and the emotional trauma that the victims of these monsters experience as a result of their complete reckless disregard for others.
I was granted a domestic violence restraing order against my ex after my first attempt to get a restraining order against him failed (unfortunately the first time around I had no legal representation while the spath ex did and I also did not think to get legal assistance when preparing my request for a restraining…I remember being so scared, anxious, and terrified when I went down to court that I just completed the paperwork as quickly as possible so that I could at least get a temporary order that would protect my child, my loved ones, and myself from my ex’s increasingly erratic behavior the same day). In California where I am located, a permanent restraining order is good for 5 yrs, so in a few years I will also have to face going to court yet again (which I absolutely dread) to extend the restraining order. From what my attorney has told me, I will have to go back to court every 5 yrs. to reknew this order. Because my ex and I share a child together (and a young child at that) and my ex currently has monitored visitation with our child and has not been bothering to exercise this visitation for about 6 months now which is actually what’s best for our child and we do not have a date to return to court I absolutely dread the thought of going back to court because I’d like things to stay as they are…I wish that the request for extension of restraining order petition would have an option where I could just write in the word FOREVER next to the spot where you can request how long you want the restraining order to last.
It has been so nice to live peacefully with my child, and I just don’t want to get entrenched in the courts again when it comes time to request an extension for my restraining order. I guess I just don’t want to do anything that will provoke the ex to regain an interest in myself and my child and so even though I still have a few years left on my restraining order, I dread having to return to court when the time comes to request an extension because of what might result from this. I think about this every single day. I just leave everything in God’s hands and trust that he will continue to release his favor on my child and I.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I know how you feel. I know the frustration, the fear, the emotional trauma, the anguish, the pain and I also know that despite all of your pain you must do what you need to do to protect yourself despite your present setback (I strongly believe that this is a TEMPORARY setback). You have to bounce back and you must not give up. You have to keep fighting to protect yourself, because if you don’t no one else will.
There were so many times that I felt like giving up, like doing things that I can’t even mention on this website (I’m sure must of you can relate and understand where I am coming from). I remember times in which I felt so drained from the continuous trauma my ex was inflicting upon me and our child that I had become angry with God for turning his back on me. Why I wondered was God allowing evil to triumph over someone like myself and my innocent child when I am a good person and my child innocent? At some of my lowest points, I became so angry with God that I stopped reading his word. At these times I was extremely exhausted from all of the pain and frustration I was experiencing.
As time went on and I continued to feel defeated and at my weakest, I would vent and later go to the book of Psalms in my bible. Many of these chapters spoke to what I was experiencing exactly (I was literally dealing with the “devil”, “a worker of iniquity”, “the enemy”–I saw evil in the eyes of my ex and actually felt the evil dripping off of him) and I knew that God was with me even though I felt like even He had turned his back on me. After reading this, I remember feeling a renewed strength within me. My bishop (although he didn’t know it since I attend a mega church) also helped me tremendously through these periods as he would remind the congregation frequently that the enemy is always on the attack and it is at times when they attack that we must trust and believe in God the most and praise him for the blessings seen and unseen. He would often go on to say that it is a strategy of the enemy to distract you with all of the pain that they bring and silence your praise, turn you away from God’s word, and God himself. I remember him saying that the enemy wants us to turn away from God and his word in times of trouble because the enemy knows that it is God that sustains us during times of adversity.
For me, I know that everything my bishop said turned out to be true. When “the enemy” who came in the form of my ex distracted me with all of his painful schemes and games, I was so lost in my own sorrow that I could not refocus my attention on God because this was truly too much for me to handle on my own. I am only human and there is only so much I can handle on my own. At times I felt like I was a hair away from going insane or doing something else I would live to regret. I was spiritually weak and was so far down that I did not bother to look up and refocus my attention on God so that he could replenish me with the strength that I would need to tackle this evil head on and beat it.
The change in my circumstances did not happen as quickly as I had hoped for, but the change did eventually come. I remember the pain that I was in this time last year when my ex was continuing on in his distructive ways and had regular access to our child and no one except for my loved ones seemed to care or notice (although even they could not comprehend the full extent of what I was going through because they had not been through the fires of hell themselves); I look at where I am this year and I give praise to GOD for this. For everything. For the many things I took for granted (such as peace of mind) that I enjoyed before I met my ex. I never knew that people could live in such torment. I thank GOD for the little things and the big things. Before I went through my experience, I never thought twice about what a blessing it was to be a normal person. A person who had peace of mind, a person who was blessed with a conscience that operates as my moral compass that guides my actions daily. Each day now, I thank GOD for things such as this.
It is my goal that my story or testimony as it is called in my faith will be a blessing and encouragement to you. I believe that God blesses people so that they can turn around and bless others and bring glory and honor unto his name. This is my intention. It is not my intention to offend anyone on this website with my faith, I am simply telling you what has happened in my own life and what has worked for me. Please be encouraged! I will keep you in my prayers and will continue to keep the rest of you–my Lovefraud family in my prayers! I take authority over this evil in your life and I speak PEACE into your life and I claim it in the name of Jesus Christ! Amen!
(((((((HUGS)))))))) KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU HAVE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF THIS LOVEFRAUD FAMILY!!!!!
Sincerely,
Penny
Dear Penny,
I am so glad that you are doing well and that your X is indeed leaving you and your child alone for now. God has blessed you, and you keep on with your faith, my own faith was strengthened by the attacks of the “killer Pees” (a little pun there) but seriously it is at times like this that our strength must come out! We end up better and stronger people when we have fought the “good fight” (((HUgs))) and than you for your prayers I need them always!
Penny
You are so right. So often two people can experience the same thing but walk away with a different perspective because of where we put our focus. When that focus is on God and His will, it takes the burden off us. The psychopath’s focus is always on his own will: my own will be done. (that is also the creed of Wiccans) Dr. Peck speaks about that in “People of the Lie”. They lie because they want to bend REALITY to their will. They are that audacious. So the psychopath is really good for one thing: to teach us how not to be. We can see that he will not submit to God’s authority, or reality’s authority. He despises any authority in his life, unless it is an authority that he is brown-nosing and manipulating to do his dirty work for him.
Once we study the psychopath in depth we can see what he is and what drives him. Then we can be the opposite and know we are doing the right thing.
Often times I will recommend to someone here, to think like a P and use his own tricks against him. That does work sometimes, if you are willing and able to go in that direction. But miracles happen when you let go and let God guide you.
Dear OxDrover,
It has been a long and bumpy ride and I am very grateful the way GOD has made for me. I will of course continue to keep you and everyone else in my prayers. God’S blessings and ((((((HUGS)))))))!
Penny,
I admire your perseverance.
Aussiegirl – if you’re out there – know that i am thinking about you and wishing you the best tonight (buddhist equivalent of prayer)