Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality — I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes — they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ”˜good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” — I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends — and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on — I combed every database I could — public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me — his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places — of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together — our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with — that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance — crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ”˜you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated — no parent — no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill — he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night — I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him — he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation — I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to — S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through — he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him — NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder — and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power — the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond — and he won’t — I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath — S.
Matt:
I even told my ex I would do what I had to do…nothing personal – just business. I was ICE COLD. Matt, it’s like playing chess to them. They are out for the check-mate.
When I met my ex he also had his wages garnished for a small debt he didn’t pay. Out of the kindness of my heart, I paid it off for him to clear things up.
My ex has 7 kids out there with 4 different women. He left them all behind. Cut ties and moved on without a heartbeat. How could someone with a pulse do that? I looked at the big picture of his history and realized if he didn’t give a shit about all those women or his own kids, what would think I was special???? As OxD says, “boink!”
Matt: Don’t let this turd get away with it. Stick up for yourself because don’t the road you will kick yourself in the ass because he got over on you.
Being a lawyer, you’ll love this one. When I threatened to go to the prosecutor to file criminal charges for fraud as to how his name got on the deed to the house, he said “it would be a civil matter and my word against yours. i don’t have to sign if i don’t want to.” He already had looked into it. He was one step ahead. He already knew what he was doing when he asked me to put his name on. His intentions were evil.
The way his name go on there was this: When he moved in, he requested I put his name on. I said, ok, as long as we are getting married and you are serious about that, I will put your name on. However, you need to show me you are serious about marriage and file the divorce from the wife (he was separated when we met.) I put his name on the deed. We went to a lawyer about the divorce. I paid $250 for the visit. We left. He didn’t follow through because the fees were high. We went to another attorney. Again, I paid the $250 and gave $1500 to my ex to have the lawyer do up the papers. Again, he did not follow through. He spent the $1500. ok 3rd time. We went to the courthouse and filed ourselves. I paid $60 for the fee. He never sent the papers out for service. This went on over a year. He had no intentions of going through with the divorce and marrying me. It was a con.
I told him I had all the paperwork filled out in his own handwriting for the lawyers visits and the checks. He was surprised I kept it all. I let him know I called the prosecutor and he’s waiting for me to give him the green light. I told him if he didn’t sign by end of the week, the prosecutor will be at his door.
You know Matt, I did contact the prosecutor’s office. They have the entire story. The detective was helpful and was going to pay him a visit and light a fire under his ass if he didn’t sign. I let the ex know that if he ever tried to dupe another woman in town out of $ or a home, he’s dead meat because he is on the prosecutor’s radar.
Thanks for the tip on the uncollectable debt. I was played by romance con and gave him over $200,000 for his “business”. I was told by the US Atty’s office I had no recourse, but now I see pehaps I do. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the good sense to start writing “loan” on the checks until he had most of it. He also was skillful in keeping out of the paper trail. Still, I will check with my tax attorney and see what, if anything, we can do.
Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing your experience and insight, “Matt.” I wholeheartedly agree with the psychiatrist and the detective who advise NO CONTACT.
Your story is much like my own experience, except my relationship was with a woman. Leaving aside the details, I just want to note two things that I think may be important for all of us to remember.
The first is trust. For most of my life, I have erred on the side of being a bit too trusting. Following my experience with a sociopath who conned many of my “friends” into believing her lies, I have had a very hard time trusting anyone. It’s almost as if the law of gravity was repealed, and I’m four YEARS beyond the sociopath’s initial devastating abuse. You should know, “Matt,” that this lack of trust is a normal reaction that can only be overcome in small increments over time. Your mileage may vary, especially if you get effective counseling for PTSD.
Secondly, I found it liberating to stop all my efforts to regain any of what the S. took from me: money, reputation, property … none of this is worth exchanging for peace of mind, and much more important for all of us is the restoration of the damaged Self. So I urge you to consider this carefully: Clinging to any wish for retribution kept me entangled in ways that would never lead to any sort of goodness or happiness in my own life, and this may be true for you, too (you’ll have to judge for yourself). A sociopath is a person who has spent a lifetime developing complex strategies for not playing fair, so the only way to win is not to play. My unsolicited advice echoes the advice you got from the psychiatrist and the detective: Disengage at all costs and move forward. Life is truly too short and too valuable to spend ANY time wallowing with pigs.
By the way, four years later this woman still shows up where she thinks I’ll be. I practice a form of “broken-field running,” showing up randomly in the old places, and when she’s there I ignore her completely. Still a bit uncomfortable at times, but I don’t think I show it and I will never react to her. Favorable or unfavorable, any response or reaction from me is fuel for the beast. And yes, beast is the correct word. She has been inhuman in her persistence, and I don’t expect that will change.
Peace to all of us,
Jeff
Robin_Hoffman: I did the same. Hope this character of yours isn’t in TEXAS! If so, we may have the same person in common.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this heel!
Wow, Matt, I know what you mean about being off line for a little while and when you come back there is SO MUCH to read.
Welcome to all the new voices, too. Glad you are here and contributing.
Iwonder:
You kept all the paperwork. I had the foresight to write “LOAN” on the checks. While we were walking around with our heads in the clouds and picking out china patterns, think there was something in the back of our minds that made some kind of protective instinct kick in?
And then your sociopath acts surprised that you held onto all the paperwork. That must have been a delicious moment for you to lay that one on him. Then again, it seems that both our sociopaths acted with all the foresight of crack addicts, so maybe the reaction wasn’t a surprise to you after all.
As for following through on it, my therapist wanted me to walk away from it. I told him that if I didn’t hold the S accountable, I couldn’t live with myself.
is it possible that we were all taught so well to deny our feelings that we are susceptible to these types of people? remember whatever you are thinking or feeling….it’s not really real?
Absolutely….I was “trained” not to assert myself, to please others, and take out whatever was dished at me. Thanks a lot, Mom & Dad. I’ve had to unlearn those characteristics (or am in the process of doing so) so that I won’t be such a great target again.
Plus, they get us so addicted to them with that beginning period of euphoria that we are willing to forgive so much in the hopes that we arrive back at that beginning point. WE ignore our own feelings….if we paid attention, we’d have to admit that we were subordinating ourselves to a monster.
My sociopath had the classic behaviors of not thinking about consequences of all his lies. The whole time he was defrauding me for sex, he was playing the army for money. It never occurred to him that I might be called as a witness against him for the army’s malingering suit. When I finally testified against him (and so did my friends), the army investigator read him all our statements. He actually twisted them around to make it look like we are all lying. The investigator told me what his responses were to our statements. I just responded to one at a time “that’s a lie” that’s another lie”, etc. He cannot tell the truth to save his life. I have never seen anything like it in all my life. A creature who is so disconnected from his feelings that his word means absolutely nothing. He is digging a hole for himself. I gave the army several leads of people who know him who are not connected to me in any way. They know he is lying.
I had to harden my heart toward him to turn him in in the first place. I was just turning him in for adultery. I had no idea he was faking medical symptoms to defraud the army. I felt sorry for him at first, especially when they told me he was on suicide watch. I’m sure that was part of his pity play. After all, he does have a one-year-old daughter. Now that I see all of the devastation he still causes me in my life, I don’t feel sorry for him at all. I feel nothing but disgust.
You guys are talking about “becomeing a sociopath” to fight one. I DON’T THINK THAT IS THE CASE AT ALL.
We CANNOT become a sociopath because we have a conscience. HOWEVER, we CAN become manipulative and give false information in order to combat them.
Now, let’s say the psychopath is a murderer and is after you with a gun, so you hide behind something so he can’t see you, pull out your trusty pistol, then pick up a rock and throw it to make a noise in another direction and then when he steps out toward the noise, you blow him away. Are YOU a murder? Was your thowing a stone to make him think you were somewhere else except crouching behind a tree so he would expose himself to your return fire making you think like him? NO! Of course not, you did the logical thing to take defensive actions, to trick him if need be, so you could defend yourself. You shot him, but it was in self defense, not cold calculated murder for greed. That’s why the law makes a distinction between murder and self defense.
You have a right to defend yourself. You have a right to defend your property. You have a right to defend others.
Sending them dis-information, or holding on to paper work so you can prove they defrauded you (if that is your desire to do so) is fine.
I can understand Matt’s feeling of wanting to get Justice and hold the creep accountable. I have taken renters to court when I knew they could have paid the rent but didn’t. I got judgments but it wasn’t worth the trouble in time and effort to try to keep track of them and try to garnish their wages to get the money. I ended up spending good money after bad, and lost doubly. Since Matt is an attorney, he doesn’t have to hire one and if he wants to go after the jerk, I say more power to him.
I personally wouldn’t care about it, at the time all this happened to me, I was so drained of energy I couldn’t have if I had wanted to, I needed EVERY ounce of my strength physical and emotional to survive. However, Matt seems in a better place than I was a year ago. Plus, he has the legal knowledge of how to go about it more successfully than I would have had.