Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality — I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes — they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ”˜good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” — I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends — and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on — I combed every database I could — public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me — his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places — of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together — our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with — that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance — crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ”˜you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated — no parent — no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill — he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night — I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him — he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation — I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to — S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through — he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him — NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder — and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power — the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond — and he won’t — I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath — S.
LOVE
Very well said Bernard!
It is Frustrateing that it takes so Long for People to get to P out of their HEADS!
Now think about this.
When your born , You are Totally dependent on some one else for your Survival.
You cant communicate because you don’t know the How!
So , you learn gradually by interpting the care givers every move ,every sign, every sound, every TOUCH !
Now the spicifics of this are never going to be known! We do Know that it is in the DNA. So a Mother who is and has done all they can do is not to Blame!
But I think , that a child earlyon , That has to survive with the least amount of care and no LOVE , has to Survive! and that is why they do what they do!
In Survival mode! The week are eaton , only the strong survive!
A concience would be hindrence , a hesitation , That is not a Survival Trait! LOVE JJ
I think I understand better than anyone what motivates some of you to say you need to get tough and somehow try to “get even” with a sociopathic abuser. I tried dozens of ways myself, and it just dug the hole deeper for me. Maybe the woman who did these terrible things to me was smarter than most sociopaths, but I’m also very smart (this is a place to be honest, not humble), and nothing went right until I stopped playing along.
My continued success at resisting and overcoming this woman’s abuse is proof that the wisest choice you can make is no contact at all. Disengage, let go of the insults and injuries, and you are free. Does this seem like a simplistic answer? Perhaps, but honestly it isn’t at all easy to do.
A dear friend of mine put it this way: “Don’t let what she DOES change who you ARE!”
If you are a person who thinks you must lie and cheat and steal in response to a sociopath, I tell you in all sincerity that you are doing exactly what the sociopath wants and expects you to do. And the true sociopath will find a way to use this against you, now or later. Stand strong to preserve Self, Family, Home and the few friends who believe you and stand beside you; all the rest is crap you’re well rid of! Be grateful for what you DO have, and wipe this person off your shoes as you would wipe off something nasty that you stepped in. They are worthy of no more than that, and YOU have a life ahead of you. Make it worth something!
THE way to win is not to play, and to gravitate instead toward people who are good. It’s the only way that will bring you lasting peace.
And if you ever run into another sociopath? Lather, rinse, repeat.
to: the peregrine
sorry i guess i wasnt clear about my statement,i really didnt mean to become a sociapath when dealing with one, i dont think anyone can do that but the real thing. I just found that using some of their tools can be effective in getting rid of them. For example: You know how they will say something and in the next breath say they never said that, if you do that to them like make plans to do something and then not do it and say i never made any plans to do that, i think that drives them crazy, thats what i meant and although my situation was a little different from most of yours i found this to be effective because he started to play these games with me for God knows what reason. I DIDNT PLAY ALONG
Well said, ThePeregrine! The only way to “win” is to be a good person who has learned how to avoid the bad ones. I think being strong, asserting yourself, and refusing to be a victim are the ways to protect yourself. Lieing, cheating, manipulating is the way to be a sociopath – even if you are doing it in defense. If you are living an honest, authentic, life, you will not need to tell lies to get your point across or to protect yourself. The truth is the right answer and the only thing that matters in the end. Hold the S accountable, absolutely, but do it with the truth.
You may be right, Bernard, when it comes to the person you’ve identified as a sociopath. I think you have to trust your instincts sometimes to know what works and what doesn’t in your situation.
For example, the woman I call a sociopath is (more specifically) a person who has strong traits of narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. These are on the same spectrum of psychiatric diagnosis as antisocial personality disorder, which some people call the “true sociopath.” Our prisons are crowded with people who are APD, but people with those other three related disorders often blend into society and cause great harm to only a few of us. Often, their destructive ways are never diagnosed because THEY don’t ever have a problem that pushes them in for psychiatric care; they only inflict pain on OTHERS.
I think the most important behavior to learn, if you want to protect yourself against such people, is always to initiate and take full responsibility for your own actions, and never to REact to something a suspected sociopath says or does. Among other things, a sociopath is a provocateur — a person who loves to pull other people’s strings. You have to cut those strings if you want to remain your own person, and for me and many others, the way to do that is to have no contact at all with that person (because they have already figured out where all your buttons are and how to push them).
Any advice you see in this or any other forum has to be filtered through your own experience. I’d be wrong to tell anyone what to do, how to live their life. But I can tell you for certain that the very best way to get under a narcissist’s skin is to ignore her and walk away. Not all narcissists are sociopaths, and not all sociopaths are narcissists, so your mileage may vary. But maybe not so much.
Falcon
Awsome!
What ever the Cost! The Reward is worth LIVING! LOVE JJ
Bernard: Welcome. Glad you found this site.
First, the best thing to do when you encounter one of them is don’t let on that you know. Just play stupid. The least they know that you know or suspect what they are all about, the better off you are.
When I encounter one, I usually play nice and back out silently … making excuses why I can’t attend or be there for them. Sometimes I actually (lie) yes I do … and agree to meet them … then of course at the last minute, back out with some excuse. Usually, they have more than one person to meet them where ever it is they want to meet … so my not being there, doesn’t really make a big difference to them.
Knowledge is power. For us, not giving them any more knowledge than they need to know.
I’m sorry this guy knows that you know. It’s so much easier when they think we don’t know … this way, you keep the upper hand. Just keep your distance as best you can from the likes of him.
Peace.
ThePeregrine is right in MOST CASES. The problem comes only when they are willing to HURT YOU PHYSICALLY or in the case of my son to try to KILL ME and I know he will NOT give up just because he failed this time.
Quite frankly I am not going to pretend that just by “disengabing” he will start to leave and my other two sons alone, because he won’t. He is quite persistent, and has recently “won over” my mother to send him money again (and lie to my son C about it).
We did something a little “underhanded” (or a lot underhanded if you want to say it that way) my son C when he got back home went to see my mother, and to “suprise her” he went and let himself into her house while she was at church. During the time he was there he searched her desk and found letters from my P son to her, that were outlining his preying on her for money and so on, and smearing both myself and C and telling my mom how he loved her etc….send money.) In the letter there was a reference to him CALLING her once in a while.
It so happens that he was caught a few years ago with a cell phone in his prison cell. Recently Texas had to shut down all the prisons into LOCKED UP STAGE of security because a prisoner on death row, which is supposed to be THE MOST SECURE part, a prisoner had a smuggled cell phone and called up a state official to give him “a cussing”—they found 40+ cell phones in the prisons and hundreds of weapons.
THE ONLY WAY MY SON COULD CALL would be on a smuggled cell phone. Also, him having access to someone else’s cell phone (which the money mom sends him allows him to “buy”) makes him a MUCH BIGGER DANGER TO ME and my sons.
My son C took the letter (mom’s short term memory is so bad she probablky will think she mislaid it even if she misses it) and we sent a xerox copy to the warden of the institution he is in. I also sent along a letter to the warden to hopefully make sure he does not tell my son where this information came from or let him know it was from the letter my son wrote to my mother.
I would very much like to “disengage” from my P-son, but my own physical safety won’t permit me to totally disengage from him. Many people on here have children that they share with these people as well and the Ps are a danger to the children, and they are also not totally able to disengage from their Ps in an effort to protect their children’s safety. One blogger on here is fighting to kprotect her child because she believes truly that the child is being molested. It is difficult to PROVE molestation in a young child, or even in some older ones, but it is an important reason for not totally “disengabing.”
Under most circumstances disengagement is totally the BEST and ONLY way to go. Like Bernard’s P who was not an “intimate” relationship or friendship, but more a casual one of someone trying to use Bernard for money and favors, it isn’t so emotionally charged, so what Bernard did is no big deal.
In my case and in the cases of others, especially people with children, where the court mandates that the P see the children, sometimes different measures are appropriate. Even, taking the children and running out of the country if you are able, like the lady who went to Holland with her two children. I am glad that she and her children were able to return back to the US not too long ago. I think they are to speak at the Abused Mothers conference.
Look What happened to Dr. Amy Castillo’s children, her X killed them to “get back at” her and make her suffer! Sheesh!
In most romantic situations where the P is just a pain in the emotional ass, disengagement allows you to heal and there isn’t really any reason to let a few dollars or a few items of “things” get in your way and let him engage you in the fray again, but in some cases, where it is a MATTER OF LIFE, DEATH OR SAFETY, you have to do what you have to do.
I do not feel any “guilt” about my son C taking this letter from my mother’s house, because it allowed me t know that my son is still risking another felony conviction and a year in solitary in order to have access to a cell phone, and she is enabling him to have the money to wheel and deal on this type of thing. It is a matter of my safety.
Since we know her movements and when she will be gone and for how long, my son C will probably go back to her house periodically to make a sweep for information. He has a key and she is not going to charge him with burgulary even if she were to catch him. Is this WRONG? Is this “theft”? Is this a “sin”? I think it is SELF DEFENSE just like a “spy” in war, a needed thing. Not necessarily an honorable thing, but a GOOD thing.
I have no hope that the warden will get any information out of my son, but I DO hope that he will transfer my son to another prison to get him away from whatever “deal” he has made there to use another inmate’s contraband cell phone.
I will do whatever I have to do to keep myself safe and to procure as much information as I can without directly contacting my mother or my P-son.
I also called the parole board and the parole officer for the Trojan Horse Psychopath when he was released and followed up with a letter to the parole officer and the parole board. This man is a danger to me, and I know it. “Disengaging” from him entirely would be foolish on my part. I will make periodic calls to his parole officer. The parole officer, believe it or not, did NOT KNOW HE WAS A 3 X SEX OFFENDER with children ages 8, 11, and 14. HE WILL REOFFEND. It is only by keeping the wheel squeeking that I will be able to get him closely supervised. The POs are so over worked, but they actually appreciate information like this because it lets them know which one to keep a closer eye on.
I have no doubt that the TH-P will go back to prison soon on a violation of parole—HE HAS NEVER COMPLETED A PAROLE WITHOUT BEING REARRESTED FOR NEW CRIMES. The last time he was released, they didn’t give him parole at all, but held him in prison til the last day of his sentence.
Because he is in another state than where those crimes were committed Arkansas does not “hold those against him” in supervision legally, but with information from me, he will be watched much more closely. The Parole board does NOT want me on the capitol steps screaming their names and telling the media “I WARNED THEM HE WAS DANGEROUS.” While I have been firm and reasonable with them, the KNOW I am a squeeking wheel and will embarass them if he commits another crime and I believe he WILL, he ALWAYS has violated parole.
According to Dr. Reid Maloy the BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR. Since Ps are unable to gain knowledge from consequences, you can BET your butt that they will do in the future what they have done in the past, even if it wasn’t successful.
My Goodness, Oxy, you are in such a tough position with all the P’s that have been placed in your orbit. Your story is incredible. You seem to handle it so well, and your situation is so multifaceted. It gives me hope that I may be able to handle my relatively less (much less) complex S situation with some grace and dignity. Thank you.
Healing Heart: As long as you remember that ‘THEY’ are responsible for their words and their actions, you’ll be OK. Once you get into that mode believing ‘THEM’ that if ONLY you did this or that is when ‘THEY’ get you spun around and around and around. Get yourself off that merry go round of would have, should have, could have … and don’t look back. We are all responsible for our actions, ‘THEM’ included … except they make up thees new rules (that always change by the way) … that it’s us that did something ‘THEM’ … I mean, really, who died and made them KING or QUEEN of the universe?
Peace. Just stay NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT … and if you do find yourself into any kind of contact with ‘THEM’ remember, let what they say go in one ear and right out the other … like you never heard what they said in the first place … because, once they open their mouths to spill those lies ‘THEY’ grab you into their bs again.